What DM says and what players hear

[jguy]

After the incredibly successful and funny thread about what a DM says and what DM means, here is what a DM says and what the players hear!

DM says: Are you sure?
Player hears: That idea is so incredible, I need to hear it one more time to commit it to memory so I don't forget.

DM says: This is going to be a horror/suspense game
Player hears: I need to either roll up a cleric, paladin, or a dread necro.

DM says: You can use any book you want.
Player hears: JACKPOT!

DM says: I need a detailed backstory
Player hears: I will need to explain why I am an orphan who was trained by my master but he died of old age years ago and why I have no ties to anyone special whatsoever.

DM says: A dragon lets out a mighty roar!
Player hears: Triple Standard treasure!

DM says: You see nothing after 20 minutes of search
Player hears: Oh god, there MUST be something in here that is worth all this searching. Take out the adamantine picks! We are taking the walls down!

DM says: The door is locked
Player hears: Something amazing is behind that door.

DM says: A man who seems to radiate power and authority comes up to you and offers to join your interesting adventure.
Player hears: DMPC is going to take up all the spot light. Best get a sandwich and a good book.

[WarKitty]

DM says: You've heard legends of monsters like this taking out entire kingdoms. A group of newbie adventurers like yourselves surely stands no chance.
Players hear: XP!!!!!!!!!!

DM says: You find nothing.
Players hear: Keep searching.

DM says: You find nothing (before the players roll)
Players hear: It's not trapped.

[kieza]

DM says: You're hopelessly outnumbered by the troops hunting you. You should probably try to escape.
Players hear: They're trying to capture us alive, so let's fight!

DM says: You can't do that without a lot of study.
Players hear: You can do that.

DM says: You don't know what it is.
Players hear: Play with it and find out what it is.

[Lev]

DM says: Do you want to make a search check?
Players Hear: Do you not want to make a spot check?

[Dralnu]

DM: (paragraph description of the town that the party has just entered)
Players hear: There's an inn.

DM: You can use any source that you'd like, but I'm new to this so please no cheesey stuff.
Players hear: Be as overpowered as you'd like, I'm probably not going to catch half the broken stuff.

[Telok]

DM says: "He dosen't hit that hard."
Players hear: "Remember that kobold ranger with the magic crit-pick and Favored Enemy = PCs?"

DM says: "Two 800 tonne Imperial Cruisers with 20 Gigawatt beam lasers order you to stand by for boarding."
Players hear: "Your Phat lewt! 400 tonne transport armed with a Phat lewt! mining laser and Phat lewt! seven combat droids can Phat lewt! take them. Phat lewt!"

[DranWork]

DM: "...she..."
Players: "woohoo sex!"

DM: "...looks intimadating armed with gleaming weaponry and polished armor"
Players: "begin rolling to hit as this mug has PHAT l00ts"

DM: "you enter the dust cover room, it appears that no one has been here in an age..."
Players: "ITS A TRAP!"

DM: "ITS A TRAP!"
Players: " WOO!! CHUNKS OF XP!"

[Serpentine]

DM says: "Oh. It didn't occur to me that you might go that way. Um..." *pauses to think about ways to adapt and make do*
Players hear: "Get back on them rails you big meanies!"

But that might just be me and my group

[Morph Bark]

DM says: "He dosen't hit that hard."
Players hear: "Remember that kobold ranger with the magic crit-pick and Favored Enemy = PCs?"

DM says: "Two 800 tonne Imperial Cruisers with 20 Gigawatt beam lasers order you to stand by for boarding."
Players hear: "Your Phat lewt! 400 tonne transport armed with a Phat lewt! mining laser and Phat lewt! seven combat droids can Phat lewt! take them. Phat lewt!"

But whatever are they going to do with oversized lutes?

[AslanCross]

DM says: Sorry, you can't exploit that loophole in my campaign.
Player hears: Find another way to break my campaign.

DM says: The monster is immune to your attack.
Player hears: Keep trying energy types!

[senrath]

DM says: "Oh. It didn't occur to me that you might go that way. Um..." *pauses to think about ways to adapt and make do*
Players hear: "Get back on them rails you big meanies!"

But that might just be me and my group

For my group it's more like:

Players hear: "Go get something to eat, this'll take a while."

[Serpentine]

For my group it's more like:

Players hear: "Go get something to eat, this'll take a while."

See, I'd be fine with that. I try to tell everyone, "I'm not very good at improvisation and there's only so much preparation I can get done, but that's my problem, not yours. You go and do whatever you like, but be aware that I might have to take a bit of time to reorganise.", but the minute I falter they're always "okay, never mind, I'll keep going down this road..." and then I feel bad for railroading

[Mikeavelli]

DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

[korifugi]

DM: ...and mounted on a plinth you see....
Players: It's about to attack, whatever it is, it's about to attack.

[Gan The Grey]

DM: Alright, guys, let's try to tone down the jokes and get back to business.
Players: I'm going emo because none of you appreciate my humor.

[Saintheart]

DM says: You enter a magic shop.
Players hear: You enter a treasure trove of useful stuff if you can just figure out how to kill the storekeeper and defeat whatever security or traps he has protecting the place.

DM says: We've got someone new joining us this week.
Players hear: My girlfriend is joining us this week.

[grarrrg]

DM: ...and mounted on a plinth you see....
Players: It's about to attack, whatever it is, it's about to attack.

Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!

[Saintheart]

Best make a proactive strike and cast Magic Missile. Works for The Darkness.

[grarrrg]

Best make a proactive strike and cast Magic Missile. Works for The Darkness.

Saintheart: What happened?

Me: There is now a Plinth with a small splotch of magic residue on it.

Saintheart: Wasn't it wounded?

Me: OF COURSE NOT SAINTHEART, IT'S A PLINTH!


On a side note, a Plinth is immune to Fire and Axes, a Gazebo is not.

[Greenish]

Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!

plinth |plinθ|
noun
a heavy base supporting a statue or vase.


84% all statues in an average D&D campaign animate to attack players as they get closer. The rest are just the DM messing with your heads.

[Notreallyhere77]

DM says: You enter a magic shop.
Players hear: You enter a treasure trove of useful stuff if you can just figure out how to kill the storekeeper and defeat whatever security or traps he has protecting the place.

True enough for my players. Hey, do you mind if I sig that?

[Codenpeg]

DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is murder!"

More like,
Players: Obviously we need to set it on fire and/or haven't used enough!

Attack? A PLINTH?? Are you INSANE! They're more crazier broken than the dreaded Dire Gazebo!!

I added a holy Gazebo that, when approached, would either zap evil guys to death (left a ring of corpses around it) or quiz you. One of my players asked what a gazebo was, made both my and several of the player's nights.

[Jan Mattys]

DM: It's impossible.
Players: It's hard. Do we feel lucky?

DM: It's hard, dangerous and probably not that smart.
Players: It's possible. Let's totally try it.

DM: It's possible.
Players: It's going to be easy. No need for precautions, let's just kick the door.

DM: It's easy.
Players: OH SHI- RUN!!!!!

[big teej]

Oooh I got one

DM says: imagine for me if you will, a Left For Dead "tank" zombie
DM means: Imagine for me, if you will, the incredible hulk, but deadish
Player hears: imagine for me, a zombie ogre.


*there is a large, large, LARGE, discrepency between the two for those who have not played left for dead

[Pisha]

From one of my favorite campaigns (and DMs):

DM says: (with a smile) The door does not appear to be trapped.
Players hear: It's a trap so powerful, we couldn't find it??!? DUCK!

DM says: Roll a Will save.
Players hear: Oh god, we're going to have to put the Fighter down again, aren't we?

[Duke of URL]

DM: The beggar introduces himself, "My name is David..."
Players: It has a name, therefore it is a plot NPC, and not XP. Yet.

[kladams707]

DM: You don't find anything.
Players: That means I need to keep searching the same exact spot several times more!

[Ernir]

DM: He appears to be unarmed.
Players hear: This guy can kill you all on the spot, and doesn't need weapons to do it.

[Ravens_cry]

What DM says: But . . .
What DM Means: You are about to perish in the most horrifying manner imaginable.

What Dm says: Make a Fort save,
What DM means: Death, death to the squishies!
What Players Hear: Tell the Fighter to get out the broom again.

[Maryring]

More like,
Players: Obviously we need to set it on fire and/or haven't used enough!




I added a holy Gazebo that, when approached, would either zap evil guys to death (left a ring of corpses around it) or quiz you. One of my players asked what a gazebo was, made both my and several of the player's nights.

At least he admitted to not knowing what a Gazebo is, thus avoiding the fate of being eaten by the dread gazebo!!!