Things you will never hear your Players say

[Sebastrd]

Just so we get to examine the issue from both sides...

"We treat the NPCs with the respect and dignity they deserve, because they're not just walking bags of hit points/xp that exist solely for our amusment."

"We totally appreciate all the hard work and detail you've put into creating this masterpiece of an adventure."

"Of course it'll never come back to haunt you if you roleplay the kobolds in a funny voice for our benefit!"

"Instead of just rolling a Diplomacy check, I think I'd like to talk through this scene and actually do some role-playing."

"We absolutely treat the corpses of our enemies with a little reverance as we root through their pockets looking for loose change."

What did I miss? Help me out fellow DMs and Storytellers!

[Joe the Rat]

"This is too much loot for the encounter."
"Let's skip the tavern."
"My incredibly complex character build is entirely based on using the rules as they were intended, and there is absolutely no absurd and abusive bonus-stacking shenanigans involved. Truthfully."
"My favorite race/class/supplement isn't allowed? No problem."

[Eldan]

"You know what? How about if, in the next session or the one after that, we take the initiative and follow those character goals in our backstory instead of standing around and waiting for an adventure hook?"

[The Rose Dragon]

"You know, how about one of us takes over the GMing duties for a while, and you play for a few sessions? That would be good, right?"

[Jade_Tarem]

"My character's death was the result of a complex interaction between character build, encounter difficulty scaled appropriately to our party level, and the tactical decisions of our group, resulting in a weighted pseudo-random result that I completely accept."

[Amaril]

"Come on, guys, we can't kill them all just because they're goblins!"

[Hyena]

"Money can't buy my character's honor, I won't accept the bribe."

[navar100]

"You better watch it, buster, or my paladin friend will smite you into next week", says the rogue player paying for something.

"This requires a more stealthy approach, and I'll make too much noise in my armor. Hey, buddy, I think this your area of expertise. Sneak inside and look around. If you do find the McGuffin, grab it, but I doubt it's out in the open. Might be worth picking the lock of the safe if Bad Guy has one. Check for traps first, of course. Here, let me cast Protection From Evil on you before you go, just in case.", says the paladin player.

[Angel Bob]

"We negotiate with the hostiles, attempting to avoid an unnecessary bloodbath."

"Recognizing the police as a legitimate authority, we turn ourselves in, hoping for a lighter sentence. No, of course we don't kill half the officers and watch the rest flee. That would only dig us a deeper hole."

"My character has a detailed, thrilling backstory that I just can't wait to see utilized in future adventures!"

Similarly: "My character has his/her heart set on a lifetime goal and will not rest until he/she accomplishes it."

"After being unfortunately separated, we drop everything and seek to locate our missing companions. No, we don't open doors through which heat and flame are emanating while the party cleric is MIA. That would be suicide."

[White Blade]

"We'll do this mission pro bono - The people in this village need our help."

"Character creation session was the most fun, can we do it again sometime?"

[Deathkeeper]

"Come on, guys, we can't kill them all just because they're goblins!"

Admittedly, one of my knights said this recently, but then, one of the goblin kids WAS worshipping his patron deity, and that does put it into perspective.

[QuintonBeck]

"That sounds like a fair price, I don't see any reason to haggle!"

"Just because I don't like this NPC doesn't mean I have to kill him."

"I bow to the king respectfully because it's what you're supposed to do."

"Hey, we don't want any trouble."

"Let's just get a room at the inn, no need to drink."

[Green Leviathan]

" I think you awarded us to much XP. i would be satisfied with much less. "

" I can't carry that, that would put me exactly at medium carrying capacity "

[Hyena]

"Your plot is so interesting, I can't wait until I can understand the whole picture!"
"I carefully listen to the NPC and try to remember the details."

[Almaseti]

I want to play a monk.

I think my character is too powerful. We should nerf him/her so the other players can have fun.

I read the campaign overview you came up with and I want to know if you think this backstory would fit in the setting.

*non-sarcastic* I was paying attention and don't need you to remind me what happened since my last turn.

[Icewraith]

Neither my character nor his/her immediate family members were killed, raped, enslaved, petrified, or otherwised harmed as part of the backstory.

I won't be consciously or subconsciously working out my personal problems, especially regarding relationships, with this character.

I'm not going to be hitting on every [gender my character is attracted to] being within a one mile radius that I encounter, and all the shapechangers just in case.

Let's try infiltrating the enemy stronghold instead of blowing it up.

[InQbait]

"I was just happy to help. No need to reward me."

"That young woman certainly was attractive, based on the GM's description of her, and the high charisma score, but there is no need for my character to do anything sexual with her at all."

"That monster scored a critical hit on me, you say? I'm perfectly alright with that, even if I am in negative hit points now."

"I know it was supposed to be a duel to the death, but I spare that farmer's life. The kingdom is in need of his farming skills."

"I would never kill off fellow family members so that I could become head of the noble family. That would be wrong."

"We should totally trust the man with the gold tooth."

[QuintonBeck]

We found this gold in the cave on this man's land, he's certainly entitled to it.

[Alabenson]

Of course we'll return this large quantity of money to it's rightful owner instead of keeping it for ourselves.

You're enforcing the multiclass XP rules? That's great!

[RustyArmor]

"Someone in this tavern/bar said something I don't agree with? I just ignore him and enjoy my drink so I don't cause a scene or bar fight."

"I look for the poorest looking man in town to pick pocket."

"I can't be this template (stack of templates) even though they are legal? I understand it would be far over powered."

"I could take this spell (combo) and win every encounter we come across, but that would not be fair to the other PCs or DM so I will take something else."

[gooddragon1]

Conversely... (not from a player...):

"Of course I understand that you would have no way to know exactly what I'd expect you to do to progress through this adventure. That would be utterly ridiculous of me given that you did not design it. In some cases I know that this is in fact your weakness and I attempt to accommodate players accordingly. So I will help you along if you get stuck since the point of this game is to have fun and not stumble around for 3 hours looking for the clues I have hidden that you would only know about if you were the author of the adventure. After all, I realize that not everyone wants to play a damned game of clue under the guise of D&D."

[Kyberwulf]

"The other players and I have been talking, and we all are in agreement....."
which also goes into this one, which deserves special mention...
"....We won't split up, and search these two separate corridors."

[Jay R]

"Wait a minute. 14 wasn't high enough to make that check. We need to run the last encounter over, because my character should have died in the second round."

[Yukitsu]

"We should leave that door where we found it instead of prying it off the wall and selling if."

[The Rose Dragon]

"We should leave that door where we found it instead of prying it off the wall and selling if."

I don't know, if the door is made out of orichalcum, prying it off the wall at least is a pretty good idea. Orichalcum doesn't grow on trees, you know.

((Except in the Faerie. But orichalcum found in the Faerie is pretty useless anyway.))

[Doomboy911]

" I think you awarded us to much XP. i would be satisfied with much less. "

" I can't carry that, that would put me exactly at medium carrying capacity "

To be fair no one cares for encumbrance, at least no one I know.

"Hey I think I should spend some of my precious gold on a mule so I'm not over encumbered."

"I think we should surrender it's the best tactical decision."

"Ok we can't rush in we need to have a plan."

"Now now lets divy up the gold fairly"

"I should think about this for a minute"

"I'll accept my death with dignity"

"We'll accept his death with dignity"

[scsimodem]

Neither my character nor his/her immediate family members were killed, raped, enslaved, petrified, or otherwised harmed as part of the backstory.

I thought it would amuse the forum to know that a character I'm currently playing in an Exalted game (avatar is a representation of him) is this. After looking through a bunch of the Dragon-Blooded character creation and some sample characters online, I was like, "I'm going to make the weirdest character *EVAR*, an Exalted character who is leading a happy life and is perfectly contented with it." Thus was born Cathak Tylon, top graduate from the House of Bells, respected member of both his house and the legions, and happily, monogamously married to a beautiful woman. Anyway...

"That would be an effective use of that spell, but I don't think that's the way it's supposed to work."

"I know it defies the laws of physics, but it's magic, and it works differently, so my character *does* take damage."

[kyoryu]

Neither my character nor his/her immediate family members were killed, raped, enslaved, petrified, or otherwised harmed as part of the backstory.

Actually, I can't remember the last time I had a character with any of those elements in his backstory

I won't be consciously or subconsciously working out my personal problems, especially regarding relationships, with this character.

You win the thread.

[denthor]

"Someone in this tavern/bar said something I don't agree with? I just ignore him and enjoy my drink so I don't cause a scene or bar fight."

"I look for the poorest looking man in town to pick pocket."

"I can't be this template (stack of templates) even though they are legal? I understand it would be far over powered."

"I could take this spell (combo) and win every encounter we come across, but that would not be fair to the other PCs or DM so I will take something else."

The second statement is just evil. (S)he is already poor and they want to take more money from them

[vasharanpaladin]

"I happily and willingly acquiesce to the idea of 'core-only' and am not being coerced in any way."

*burns cue card*