Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template

[The Succubus]

The bit in the spoiler is the official bit, if you like. Given that Roland's misquote got the ball rolling on a group Crack Pairing, someone else can continue it - the, uh, additional is merely a Suggestion....>.>

[CoffeeIncluded]

The bit in the spoiler is the official bit, if you like. Given that Roland's misquote got the ball rolling on a group Crack Pairing, someone else can continue it - the, uh, additional is merely a Suggestion....>.>

Yes, but considering that Roland is watching us like a hawk, best not to get him upset. Or give him any reason to get upset.

Say, what happened to the Squickies?

[The Succubus]

Lack of input from others regarding who should judge - its not something I would do alone as I lack the artistic merit and the morals preventing me from absconding with all the trophies. In a nutshell, the people I think most suited to be judges are the ones that should have their works nominated. /shrug

[CoffeeIncluded]

Lack of input from others regarding who should judge - its not something I would do alone as I lack the artistic merit and the morals preventing me from absconding with all the trophies. In a nutshell, the people I think most suited to be judges are the ones that should have their works nominated. /shrug

Awww...

[Sereg]

Ah, I see what I did there. I quoted the wrong text. I was intending to tell CoffeeIncluded that nudging people gently to stay on topic and appropriate would not be considered vigilante modding if it were done gently.

We, f course, are going to pretend that it was actually your subconcience telling us what you want to see and act appropriately.

@MasamuneSSX: I also enjoyed reading the squickies. Oh well.

[Lycan 01]

Does anybody recall an old crack-fic I did? It was only one or two sentences, and it involved the Eye of Fear and Flame x Haley, with a Maid Outfit somehow thrown in. Well... I think I'm going to write a pair of sequels to it, after those random rolls.

Here's the original!

The Eye of Fear and Flame x Haley (Maid Outfit)

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"THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!!!!" The Eye of Fear and Flame screamed out in terror as Haley, with a sick grin on her face, tried to shove him into a French Maid Outfit.

And the sequal and three-qual!



TEoFaF x Redcloak : High Heels and and Black Leather

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"FREEEEEEDOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!" The Eye of Fear and Flame screamed as he rolled and bounced down the stairs in Team Evil's castle. "ALMOST THERE!!" he exclaimed, getting closer and closer to the bottom. But, in a stroke of cruel fate, the laws of physics caused his momentum to slow, and he eventually rolled to a stop on one of the stairs near the exit, just feet from the open doorway. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed, his little red eyes expanding in terror and anguish. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"What's the hurry?" a voice crooned from above him as a pair of high heels stepped down beside him. In the next moment, a set of scaley green hands picked the Eye of Fear and Flame up off the steps, and the terrified undead was forced to look upon the horror that was Redcloak clad in black leather. "The party is only getting started..." the goblin smirked down at the trembling skull.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" the Eye howled, his screams echoing into the dark night.

Tsukiko + Tsukiko : Snowed in

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"Darn it..." Tsukiko growled, staring out the window at the snow falling outside. "Looks like I'm stuck here..."

The necromancer had come up to the mountains for a short vacation, hoping to get in some study time and relieve stress. However, this sudden blizzard hard left her trapped in the cabin Xykon had rented for her. She'd hoped to go visit some of the local towns and native villages, and find some ways to entertain herself and/or practice her spells on dead/innocent locals. Now it seemed she had no choice but to stay inside. "Great. Snowed in all alone, and with no way to entertain myself..." she grumbled, pacing the room.

She suddenly paused her pacing however, and a smile slowly formed across her face. "Actually, I think I know something I can do..." she grinned, slowly approaching her suitcase. Grabbing the zipper, she unzipped the suitcase and began to dig around in it for something. Finally, she found what she wanted. "Aha!" she exclaimed, pulling a skull out of the bag.

"Huh? W-what's going on?" the Eye of Fear and Flame stammered, unsure of where he was or how he'd gotten there. His red eyes fell upon Tsukiko, and he instantly knew what was happening. "Oh no... Not again..." As the giggling young woman began to carry him towards the bed, he could only sigh and lament, "Well, at least this one's relatively normal..."

[Draconi Redfir]

that poor talking skull that shoots fear-beams and fireballs...

[Lycan 01]

If that was a suggestion or complaint, then you should realize he's too scared to use them.

[Lix Lorn]

I think the fear and flame were badly split for him.

...

This means somewhere, there is a Skull of Fear and Flame who is permanantly on fire, and does 5984367659d6 damage by touching you, let alone using fireball.

[Sereg]

@Lycan 01: Aaaah. Humiliating the Eye of Fear and Flame. That never gets old.

I think the fear and flame were badly split for him.

...

This means somewhere, there is a Skull of Fear and Flame who is permanantly on fire, and does 5984367659d6 damage by touching you, let alone using fireball.

And he doesn't afraid of anything.

Don't hurt me.

[Lix Lorn]

i think the eye of fear and flame is a pretty cool guy. he shoots flame and fear and doesnt afraid of anything.

Forgiven. (hugs) ;P

[Lycan 01]

Soooo... Questions? Comments? Concerns? Criticism?

Should I make them longer/more detailed? Or stay short and silly? Should the Eye try to fight back, or is it funnier when he's too scared to resist? Should I write more quickies with him as the central character?



Eye aside, which of my possible crack-fics should I tackle next?

[hihidude]

Anyone think that an ABD/Hydra pairing is any good? I'm working on one right now.

[Sereg]

Soooo... Questions? Comments? Concerns? Criticism?

Should I make them longer/more detailed? Or stay short and silly? Should the Eye try to fight back, or is it funnier when he's too scared to resist?

Yes.

Should I write more quickies with him as the central character?

If you're inspired in that direction.

Eye aside, which of my possible crack-fics should I tackle next?

I have no prefferance as to order.

@hihidude: It could certainly turn out good.

Anyway, here is my contribution to the mass attempt to misinterprate Roland:

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Tsukiko looked at her newly created child with pride. Then she turned to the wight behind her and said, “He’s hungry. Please take him to the kitchen.”
“Yes, mistress.” answered the wight and he began guiding the new ghast back to the castle. He found that he enjoyed holding this ghast’s hand. “YOUR SHOES ARE MADE OF LEATHER, FORMED FROM THE HIDE OF THE LIVING!” said the ghast.
“Yes, I’m quite proud of them.” answered the wight, “Mistress gave them to me. She’s really good to us.”
“IT INCREASES MY DESIRE TO DIG MY FANGS INTO THE SKIN OF MORTALS!” replied the ghast. They headed into a room that had a sign on the door saying “Kitchen for Undead”. “All right, let’s see who’s in the pantry.” said the wight, “I’m actually peckish myself.” They unlocked the pantry and opened the door pulling out a rather terrified looking human male. The ghast took a bite and the human was instantly paralyzed. “YOU MAY FEED FROM THE OTHER SIDE!” he said. If he still had a working circulatory system, the wight would have blushed. “Thank you.” he said and he began chewing on the other arm. It was enjoyable and the company was pleasant as well. He knew that this was the beginning of something special.

Right, also to placate you all, I've writen the next part of "Body and Soul" to make up for not contributing for so long:

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Tsukiko ran out of the temple smiling. However, rather than join in with the celebrations that had just begun, she turned into a dark alleyway. Shinji was there, waiting for her. “I told you that you could do it.” he said. Tsukiko proudly held out her new, official, unholy symbol of Rat. “You were right.” she answered, “I am now a cleric of Rat.”
“I see that you aren’t celebrating with any of the other new clerics, archivists, favored souls, shugenjas and adepts.” commented Shinji.
“Of course not.” answered Tsukiko with an expression of disgust on her face. “They don’t appreciate Rat at all. Most of them spend their time talking about how great and high and mighty Dragon is. Dragon is an oppressive lizard.”
“That’s right.” smiled Shinji, “You are ready to join me on my quests.”
“Really?” said Tsukiko with shock, “I’m only first level. Shouldn’t I study more at the temple?”
“Adventuring is a far more efficient way of earning experience.” answered Shinji. “I could use a cleric and as we have very different levels, we’ll meet challenges that will be easy to overcome for me and will earn you many experience points.” Tsukiko smiled and answered, “All right. That does sound exciting.” Shinji smiled again.
“I also think that you should move into my place. It will be more convenient, you have no attachment to your own and I own many things that I believe you’ll find interesting once you have the time to study them.”
“Um…ok.” said Tsiukiko shyly.
“Excellent.” replied Shinji, “The reason that I wait for you here is because I happen to have an extra entrance here.” He then proceeded to open a strech of wall with the secret door symbol written upon it.

[Lix Lorn]

Ooh. interesting.

I pretty much just read whatever I see. (shrug)

[Water-Smurf]

If only love were simple.

But Mijung is definitely going to be a stumbling point if he tries to form a new relationship with anyone.

I'm not sure if Vaarsuvius would be irritated because she can't understand how he can still be hung up on a woman who died well over fifty years ago, or she would understand much more than anyone else because of her own feelings over Inky. Speaking of Inky, wouldn't that be a slight snag as well? Sure, they're divorced, but V still has feelings for him and she has kids. I'm not sure what the paladin code says about that, but I'm pretty sure that Inky would not be happy in the least with the idea that V was gallivanting off with some other guy so soon after their divorce.

Somehow I don't see the Order being particually cheerful about it. They'd get more insistent about looking after her, which is going to get V very annoyed, and not only because it's none of their business.

Do you think Roy would try to kick her off the team? (Well, all she'd have to do would be to bring in the lawyers and cite the laws around not discriminating against employees based on sex and threatening to sue if he kicks her off before her pregnancy is so far her job performance takes a dip, but still...)

I don't see Redcloak being too fine and dandy with keeping up the fight if he found out, though. Xykon, yes, Tsukiko, maybe yes (I see her being a little more sympathetic if Vaarsuvius is expecting Reddy's kid), Redcloak, no.

Yeah. Although he'd also be rather bemused about why she makes such an issue over concealing her gender in the first place.

That sounds like an amusing conversation waiting to happen.

Lack of input from others regarding who should judge - its not something I would do alone as I lack the artistic merit and the morals preventing me from absconding with all the trophies. In a nutshell, the people I think most suited to be judges are the ones that should have their works nominated. /shrug

Maybe we have different judges for different categories? Categories that our own work isn't entered in?

[The Succubus]

I may regret saying this but if the foul creatures that lurk in this thread are desperate for a Squickies award thing, why not simply have a competition based on new entries?

Example - during the month of April, crack writers can enter one medium length story (say 300-500 words?) with judging carried out at the end of the month by myself, Dark Fiddler and perhaps Kaytara if she's still around. The winner gets a shiny Squickie award and then next month we do it again?

[Draconi Redfir]

I may regret saying this but if the foul creatures that lurk in this thread are desperate for a Squickies award thing, why not simply have a competition based on new entries?

Example - during the month of April, crack writers can enter one medium length story (say 300-500 words?) with judging carried out at the end of the month by myself, Dark Fiddler and perhaps Kaytara if she's still around. The winner gets a shiny Squickie award and then next month we do it again?

m all fo ths. jstone random thought:


what if whoever won 1st place te privius month, was alowed to guest-judge the entrys of the next month? though they wouldent be able to write there own enrys of corse.

just a litte something that might spice thngs up ;)

[CoffeeIncluded]

m all fo ths. jstone random thought:


what if whoever won 1st place te privius month, was alowed to guest-judge the entrys of the next month? though they wouldent be able to write there own enrys of corse.

just a litte something that might spice thngs up ;)

That sounds like a great idea!

Crack paring tomorrow. Sorry about my absence.

[Asta Kask]

You have candy to eat throw.

[Zanaril]

I'm not sure if Vaarsuvius would be irritated because she can't understand how he can still be hung up on a woman who died well over fifty years ago, or she would understand much more than anyone else because of her own feelings over Inky.

50 years? That's nothing to an elf.

I think that, deep down, V does have a spark of romance, and she just lacks the charisma to follow it through. Or at least she has a very strong sense of devotion.

She'd be sympathtic for all those reasons.

Speaking of Inky, wouldn't that be a slight snag as well? Sure, they're divorced, but V still has feelings for him and she has kids. I'm not sure what the paladin code says about that, but I'm pretty sure that Inky would not be happy in the least with the idea that V was gallivanting off with some other guy so soon after their divorce.

If V feels guilty, I think it would be more to do with wasting time gallivanting off, rather that feeling that she's cheating on him. Remember, V signed those divorce papers because she thought it was what was best for her family, and part of that was to do with continuing their quest to save the world.

Although I can see V feeling that she doesn't deserve to have another chance at a relationship after how badly she messed up her previous one.

Do you think Roy would try to kick her off the team? (Well, all she'd have to do would be to bring in the lawyers and cite the laws around not discriminating against employees based on sex and threatening to sue if he kicks her off before her pregnancy is so far her job performance takes a dip, but still...)

He'd suggest that she resign because she's obviously not healthy enough to be adventuring with them. If she refuses to comply, then yes, he might officially kick her off of the team. However it would be much better if he could pursuade her to leave, since otherwise there's a good chance she might just try to tag along anyway.

I don't see Redcloak being too fine and dandy with keeping up the fight if he found out, though. Xykon, yes, Tsukiko, maybe yes (I see her being a little more sympathetic if Vaarsuvius is expecting Reddy's kid), Redcloak, no.

Definitely not. And he can't just refuse to fight only V, because if Xykon is around and the rest of the Order are too busy fighting to protect her, then Xykon will just kill V at the first opportunity to make sure Reddy doesn't have any delusions that she's a special case.

As for Tsukiko, if it looked like V was going to get away then she might not make any effort to attack her, but only if Xykon wasn't watching.

That sounds like an amusing conversation waiting to happen.

That's why it keeps comming up as a running gag.

[Water-Smurf]

Example - during the month of April, crack writers can enter one medium length story (say 300-500 words?) with judging carried out at the end of the month by myself, Dark Fiddler and perhaps Kaytara if she's still around. The winner gets a shiny Squickie award and then next month we do it again?

That sounds good. Maybe we should put a theme to it? According to this site, April, along with having Easter, Passover, and April Fool's, is Jazz Appreciation month, poetry month, Be a Vigilante Against Child Abuse month (??), and it has Arbor Day and Earth Day, among other things.

Avoiding any religious or political stuff, of course, what themes can we get out of that?

50 years? That's nothing to an elf.

I think that, deep down, V does have a spark of romance, and she just lacks the charisma to follow it through. Or at least she has a very strong sense of devotion.

She'd be sympathtic for all those reasons.

But what would be the impetus to get either of them to make a move? If Soon is snagged on Mijung and V is snagged on guilt, what would they do?

If V feels guilty, I think it would be more to do with wasting time gallivanting off, rather that feeling that she's cheating on him. Remember, V signed those divorce papers because she thought it was what was best for her family, and part of that was to do with continuing their quest to save the world.

Although I can see V feeling that she doesn't deserve to have another chance at a relationship after how badly she messed up her previous one.

I don't think Soon would be too concerned with that if he managed to get her to talk about her own worries about screwing up the relationship. He's much more a man of action than Inky was, and I think after all this time without love, he can handle a dysfunctional relationship with a damaged but proud person.

But if the relationship becomes serious, there is the matter about V having kids...

He'd suggest that she resign because she's obviously not healthy enough to be adventuring with them. If she refuses to comply, then yes, he might officially kick her off of the team. However it would be much better if he could pursuade her to leave, since otherwise there's a good chance she might just try to tag along anyway.

I can see everyone (minus Belkar and Elan, who would probably just drop a few ultimately unhelpful comments) pitching in and trying to convince her, but I really don't see V backing down. She's lost her family for this and has nowhere to go, plus, she's the only wizard who's a high enough level for them that they have (and to find another of her caliber would take a significant time to look for) and she knows it.

Maybe she'd be willing to compromise a little and agree to regular checkups from Durkon and special protection from Belkar (maybe not Belkar...) during battles?

Definitely not. And he can't just refuse to fight only V, because if Xykon is around and the rest of the Order are too busy fighting to protect her, then Xykon will just kill V at the first opportunity to make sure Reddy doesn't have any delusions that she's a special case.

He wouldn't be able to refuse to fight, he wouldn't be able to convince her to run away, and he wouldn't be able to put her ahead of the Plan. What else could he do? Would he have to risk hurting her and just try to hit her with debilitating but mostly harmless Sleep spells? (Oh, wait, those don't work on elves...) An elf version, then?

As for Tsukiko, if it looked like V was going to get away then she might not make any effort to attack her, but only if Xykon wasn't watching.

Yeah, I can see her doing that. Or maybe leaving a door strategically unlocked and not raising an alarm if she notices it was opened. But only because Vaarsuvius is expecting and only if Xykon didn't know.

Huh. Xykon wouldn't like all the effort his minions were going through to protect this one knocked up chick.

That's why it keeps comming up as a running gag.

Poor Soon will be so confused. And Belkar will be all over him asking what the hell Vaarsuvius's gender is once it's known that they're sleeping together.

[Lycan 01]

I had a random idea. Anybody remember that VxElan crack fic I wrote awhile back, which kinda... made everyone sad? I came up with an idea for a sequal...

Basically, V decides she has to break up Elan and Haley, and somehow Belkar gets involved. She either decides to do it because she can't stand to see Elan with another woman, or she finds out that Haley is just using Elan and doesn't really love him. And somehow Belkar gets involved - voluntarily.

So, what should her reasons be?

Or should I work on those other pairings I rolled up first before trying this one, or is no one in the mood for a sequal?

[Zanaril]

Avoiding any religious or political stuff, of course, what themes can we get out of that?

Cute baby animals?

But what would be the impetus to get either of them to make a move? If Soon is snagged on Mijung and V is snagged on guilt, what would they do?

Mutal loneliness? If they're alone together they'll only have each other to talk to, and I think they're both rather talkative.

But if the relationship becomes serious, there is the matter about V having kids...

Would it be an issue? Soon would disapprove if V didn't show any support, although then again Inky sued for full custody of the kids... I'm not sure where that leaves V. However, if it did end up as a long term relationship and Soon wanted to get to know his step-children, then at least a human Paladin is a little less of a shock than a goblin Cleric.

Just for reference, are things canon to your other stories canon to this one? (Such as the divorce just being an attempt to contact V.)

Maybe she'd be willing to compromise a little and agree to regular checkups from Durkon and special protection from Belkar (maybe not Belkar...) during battles?

Not Belkar.

Otherwise, I could see them allowing that. It's also possibly the safer option.

He wouldn't be able to refuse to fight, he wouldn't be able to convince her to run away, and he wouldn't be able to put her ahead of the Plan. What else could he do? Would he have to risk hurting her and just try to hit her with debilitating but mostly harmless Sleep spells? (Oh, wait, those don't work on elves...) An elf version, then?

I don't know if a Sleep spell equivalent would be a good idea since that just leaves her defenceless.

He could Plane Shift her to somewhere, but she could have real difficulty getting back since she can't use conjuration.

Maybe he could convince the Order to retreat and to drag V away from the fight?

Huh. Xykon wouldn't like all the effort his minions were going through to protect this one knocked up chick.

No, but he wouldn’t be that surprised. Silly people and their silly morals.

Poor Soon will be so confused. And Belkar will be all over him asking what the hell Vaarsuvius's gender is once it's known that they're sleeping together.

Wait, Belkar's going to be there too?

[Water-Smurf]

Cute baby animals?

That could work. Or springtime. Or the comedy genre in honor of April Fool's. (Seriously, where did Be a Vigilante Against Child Abuse Month come from?!)

Mutal loneliness? If they're alone together they'll only have each other to talk to, and I think they're both rather talkative.

That would make sense. After a while, you just want to snuggle up to someone warm, and we all know where that leads to in my stories...

(I can't help but wonder how the Order and the Scribble would react to this...)

Would it be an issue? Soon would disapprove if V didn't show any support, although then again Inky sued for full custody of the kids... I'm not sure where that leaves V. However, if it did end up as a long term relationship and Soon wanted to get to know his step-children, then at least a human Paladin is a little less of a shock than a goblin Cleric.

True. And Inky would probably be a little less hurt too, and maybe Terentius and Octavius won't turn into the warped individuals they are with Tia.

I still can't see Inkyrius being too happy, though, and Octavius would probably still be very resentful.

Just for reference, are things canon to your other stories canon to this one? (Such as the divorce just being an attempt to contact V.)

It depends on the story. I'm still sketching plot ideas for this one, remember.

Otherwise, I could see them allowing that. It's also possibly the safer option.

I wonder how the Order would act around a pregnant woman. I can see Elan getting all giddy and trying to 'help' V think of a name while Vaarsuvius was trying to think of anything but the baby.

I don't know if a Sleep spell equivalent would be a good idea since that just leaves her defenceless.

He could Plane Shift her to somewhere, but she could have real difficulty getting back since she can't use conjuration.

That's probably the best move he could make without being openly defiant towards Xykon, but how could V get back to the mortal plane after the battle was over?

Maybe he could convince the Order to retreat and to drag V away from the fight?

When you look at it objectively, it'd be foolish for the Order to do that. They need to stop Xykon, and in doing so, they need to fight him. If they avoid fighting him because their caster is pregnant, then the whole world is in jeopardy. V would probably bring this up at the mere suggestion that they should retreat for her sake, then she would probably try to provoke Reddy into actually fighting her.

No, but he wouldn’t be that surprised. Silly people and their silly morals.

You think he would punish someone for it?

Wait, Belkar's going to be there too?

Maybe, maybe not. I only have threads of a plot in my head right now.

How would Soon react if he found out he got V knocked up?

[The Dark Fiddler]

I may regret saying this but if the foul creatures that lurk in this thread are desperate for a Squickies award thing, why not simply have a competition based on new entries?

Example - during the month of April, crack writers can enter one medium length story (say 300-500 words?) with judging carried out at the end of the month by myself, Dark Fiddler and perhaps Kaytara if she's still around. The winner gets a shiny Squickie award and then next month we do it again?

I'm sorry to say that I've stopped paying close enough attention to be a valid judge for the thread.

[Debatra]

When you look at it objectively, it'd be foolish for the Order to do that. They need to stop Xykon, and in doing so, they need to fight him. If they avoid fighting him because their caster is pregnant, then the whole world is in jeopardy. V would probably bring this up at the mere suggestion that they should retreat for her sake, then she would probably try to provoke Reddy into actually fighting her.

I've been thinking it over, and I have the answer.

Miracle and Resilient Sphere

[Draconi Redfir]

Yeah, I can see her doing that. Or maybe leaving a door strategically unlocked and not raising an alarm if she notices it was opened. But only because Vaarsuvius is expecting and only if Xykon didn't know.

why would Tuski try to HELP V? thats what i wanna know.

[Lix Lorn]

She appreciates motherhood. Besides, if V died, Redcloak would be no fun to tease. (Smirk)

[Zanaril]

(I can't help but wonder how the Order and the Scribble would react to this...)

The Scribble would be utterly jubilant that Soon seemed to be finally getting over Mijung.

The Order are going to be rather surprised. Those that remember still think that V is married, and might tactically try to bring that up. Also, the idea of V in a relationship with anyone would seem weird to them.

And Belkar might get jelous.

I still can't see Inkyrius being too happy, though, and Octavius would probably still be very resentful.

Hopefully they can begin to repair the damage before it gets anywhere near as bad as it did in PM canon.

I wonder how the Order would act around a pregnant woman. I can see Elan getting all giddy and trying to 'help' V think of a name while Vaarsuvius was trying to think of anything but the baby.

I just hope that V would actually talk to them - at least to Haley - instead of just continuing to alienate herself. She needs a friend for when Reddy can't be there.

That's probably the best move he could make without being openly defiant towards Xykon, but how could V get back to the mortal plane after the battle was over?

You'd have to ask someone more familiar with thins kind of stuff. All I know is that V can't Plane Shift, and there's a margin for error when Plane Shifiting, meaning Reddy can't even be completely sure of where he's sending her.

When you look at it objectively, it'd be foolish for the Order to do that.

It would. I'm thinking more that if it's obvious Team Evil are winning, Reddy would... I don't know, maybe create a distraction so they could escape?

You think he would punish someone for it?

If he suspected they'd do the same thing the next time they met the Order, he'd be sure to make it clear what the penalty would be.

How would Soon react if he found out he got V knocked up?

That would depend what point in their relationship they were at, and also how V felt about it. If they were still at the stage where they just needed the companionship, I think Soon would feel very guilty about it, and would obviously offer her support whatever she chose to do. If it looked as though their relationship was going to be a long-term thing, and assuming V was okay with the prospect of having a kid, I think he'd be rather excited about being a father.