Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Buster: "Is that a giant ball?"
Nyfe: "Yep, and it's heading right for us."
Wyzz: "And it's made out of skeletons."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS!"

*before clicking link*

Please be what I think this is!

*after clicking link*

It is!

Enemy General: "What else can you tell me about this man soldier?"
Enemy Soldier: "Sir, he had a big d**k and massive B.A.L.L.S."

*standing ovation* Definitely worth the build up.

Spoiler

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[Urzamax]

(God I've missed this thread)

Buster (Gunner): "These" *holds up massive guns* "are my Burst Automatic Legion Leveling Shotguns."
Nyfe (Scout): "Did you mod those just so you could spell B.A.L.L.S?"

Enemy Soldier: "One man sir, one man in a power suit armed with two automatic grenade launching shotguns."

Which system is this from, and where can I find those guns?!

[ZeroGear]

Which system is this from, and where can I find those guns?!

Homebrew, built the system myself (it's built around an RNG that uses playing cards instead of dice).
This was a test game to see how crazy we could get while testing big damage and magic).

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Kiryu: "So, what we've established is that you're playing a pirate sim, I'm playing Yakuza Zero, and the rest of the party are playing Assassins-Creed-As-The-Bad-Guys, Pokemon, and Deal or No Deal respectively."
Jean-Baptiste: Glad we've got that sorted out.

[JAL_1138]

Guard: Who the heck are you? I need to see some ID.
Player: *exact voice of Futurama character* Scruffy. The janitor.
Guard: You new? I've never seen you before
Player: *indignant* I've worked here for thirty years.
Employee: Bull. I've never seen you before either.
Player: *lip trembles* What? How can you say that, sir? *wounded, voice shaky* Story of my life...no one ever notices ol' Scruffy. Not the company I've worked the graveyard shift for for 30 years, night after night, workin' my hands to the bone; not a good woman ever since my sweet Ethel passed on, not even my own kids, they never call no more. Nobody never pays no nevermind to ol' Scruffy, don't even remember my face. Guess it ain't worth rememberin'. I shouldn't have got my hopes up and expected no better—
Employee: Ah...uh...sorry, sorry, Mr...*reads nametag*...Jones, *BS-ing* I, uh, pulled an all-nighter and I'm not all here at the moment, had a momentary lapse there, of course I remember you. We're all very glad to have someone of your dedication and commitment here at Ares Macrotechnology. *waves off guard*
Player: That's the kindest thing anybody's said to me since I lost my Ethel. Thank you, sir. I'll be out of your way in no time, just need to sweep up. *heads into office to plant malware and audio bugs*
GM: And the Oscar goes to...

[Noje]

Magic User: Wait! I think I lost my familiar!
DM: No you didn't. he's following a few meters behind just as you instructed him.
Ranger: Dude how did you already lose track of your familiar? you just summoned him like an hour ago.
Magic User: You're one to talk. What about your dogs?
Ranger: what dogs?
Magic user: the dogs you left chained in the alleyway we entered the sewer from three sessions ago?
Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

[Guizonde]

Magic User: Wait! I think I lost my familiar!
DM: No you didn't. he's following a few meters behind just as you instructed him.
Ranger: Dude how did you already lose track of your familiar? you just summoned him like an hour ago.
Magic User: You're one to talk. What about your dogs?
Ranger: what dogs?
Magic user: the dogs you left chained in the alleyway we entered the sewer from three sessions ago?
Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

reminds me of my explaining to the dm why i wanted to go urban ranger:

me: so, i've got these 8 synergies, i've got 3 team multipliers, downside i've got two separate divine casting slots meaning more book-keeping, but on the plus side, i don't have to lug an animal companion and that's less of a hassle!
dm *reading* uh, there ain't nothing saying an urban ranger loses his animal companion...
me: *very loud expletive*
team and dm: *laughs*

(i reread the rules regarding animal companions in pf, turns out that what was a throwaway line may be doable!)

me: can't we just say i've got a pet drunk?
monk: dude, no way in hell am i gonna be your pet.
me: ok... so, a pet paladin?
paladin: is it because i'm part-orc?!
dm: *sigh*
oracle: imagine having a pet oracle.
me: a half-drow with a pet that looks like a human 8 year old? really??

[Gideon Falcon]

"Werewolf AIDS? Please, among us trained in the shapechanging magic, we just call that fleas."

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

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GM: And the Oscar goes to...

Spoiler

Show

That was great.

Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

Yikes. Hopefully they were alright! :o

GM: “Robots are stupid. Also, Choro probably is not infected with giant tapeworms.”

Choro: “Well gang... I've made this situation worse, so I think my work here is done!”
Doc: “I'm just going to take a page from the ‘Supply Route's Guide to Wasteland Diplomacy.’”
Doc: *opens fire on the enemy robot*

Viridia: “Is Pig Latin an actual language in this setting?”
GM: “No, but Boardor exists.”

Choro: “Oh great. It almost punched Choro's head off instead. Clearly this Handy's auditioning for Mortal Kombat.”
Doc: “Well then finish it with a Friendship Fatality.”
Choro: *shoots the robot for maximum damage*
Choro: “I guess Friendship still ends Mortal Kombat.”

Choro: “Yeah, sure, have the mare who just got shot in the head give architectural advice. Seems legit.”

GM: “The goats have no real way of contributing to the fight, so, instead of being a mob, they're just going to be treated as scenery here.”

Viridia: “I PAY THE BLOOD PRICE. ...is that enough?”
GM: “It's the Iron Price that's most relevant here, given the existence of Mirror Armor.”

[Gallade]

"No, the one that makes you uncontrollably fart fire clouds is the OTHER potion"

"He took TWO bullets to the brain and didn't die?"
"Actually it was the cerebellum. Jeesh, that's why I'm the healer here."

"I was just trying to sanitize his wounds! And technically I did, I dare you to find a germ on his remains. Or find his remains, for that matter."

"Dear diary: tried to find a way to sanitize water. Turned it into magical brain-enhancing wine instead. What a fiasco*."

"NPCs like THAT is the reason I always include a wife and children in my background."
"The downside is they're basically you with boobs or smaller. Beard included."
"And the upside is I don't get stuck with the crazy loli romantic interests. Including the crazy ones. Which is all of them."

(Leaving the prison, a thief they dropped off there screams in agony)
"They probably just chopped off his legs. Saves them the trouble of buying shackles."
"I bet he's reconsidering my offer about the whole scarification experiment thing."
"Why did you even..."
"It was for SCIENCE!"

"Don't you think you wrote the General a bit too powerful?"
"She's the highest military officer, she's got to be tough."
"Yeah, but she crippled me like nothing when I challenged her."
"That's understandable."
"But it was a STARING CONTEST! She crippled me in a STARING CONTEST! How did she even do it?"
"Determination and badassery."

*= (In Italian "Fiasco" is also a word for a reinforced bottle liquor is usually stored in)

[goto124]

Doc: “I'm just going to take a page from the ‘Supply Route's Guide to Wasteland Diplomacy.’”
Doc: *opens fire on the enemy robot*

It's the only language robots understand!

Viridia: “Is Pig Latin an actual language in this setting?”
GM: “No, but Boardor exists.”

Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

[JAL_1138]

Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

I figured it was a place name, a truly groan-worthy pun (the best kind!) on Mordor.

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Responses!

Show

"But it was a STARING CONTEST! She crippled me in a STARING CONTEST! How did she even do it?"
"Determination and badassery."

When did staring contests become a contact sport? O.o

Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

I figured it was a place name, a truly groan-worthy pun (the best kind!) on Mordor.

I have no idea myself, but Mordor sounds as good as any.

Choro: “Dang it! That's the German version! You've clearly established this thing was built in Prance, so I'm expecting shoddy knockoff Bagger 288. ...Which still fits really.”

Stellar: “Me, loading the results of those attack rolls.”
Doc: “So... do you need a cigar or something after that?”

Choro: “Also FTR, you have a willing minion in Choro who'd happily help Viridia in a quest for magic. I'm still wondering about trying to create a Spell Matrix that could blend unicorn energies with pegasi ones.”
Viridia: “Not sure if innuendo.”

GM: “Fan Knife rolls to do something funny.”
Choro: “Aww.... And Choro's not there to see Fan Knife being funny?”
Doc: “Moony is there and she's not seeing the funny.”
Moon: “This is why there aren't any ninja comedians.”

[Lord Torath]

Choro: “Also FTR, you have a willing minion in Choro who'd happily help Viridia in a quest for magic. I'm still wondering about trying to create a Spell Matrix that could blend unicorn energies with pegasi ones.”

FTR: For the Record?

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: Things have mostly turned back to normal after the incident that made everyone act like idiots.

Bruce: I turn invisible, go through and turn... uninvisible?
Yukari: Behold! The visible man!

Yukari: Well, that was pointless.
Kula: Hey! We tried. You didn't.
Bruce: Yeah, you didn't even try to help anyone!
Yukari: And now you two are covered in burns. Was it worth it?

Kula: Okay. Who's strangling a velociraptor?

Kula: Have you ever fought a sabre-tooth tiger?
Yukari: N-Not recently.

Bruce: I turn invisible and crawl in.
Oni Emperor: You do well to prostrate yourself before The Sixteenth Lord of the Eight Great Hells, Magistrate of the Court of Souls, Judge of Souls, Great General of the Demon Army, Oni Emperor Godou Nyourai, mortal!
Yukari: Oh, right. He can see through invisibility. Probably should have mentioned that.

Oni Emperor: ...but first, you must complete four trials! Because I'm a ****!
Kula: Was that in-character?
GM: Oh, yes.

Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

Yukari: You forgot Mother's birthday? This is serious! The whole of existance could be at stake!

[DigoDragon]

FTR: For the Record?

Yup!

Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint.

[Miltonian]

Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

*Furiously scribbles down notes.

Anyway, only have one this time.

"My character has a wisdom of 4! Everything I say is either contains insane stupidity or flagrant disregard for personal safety. Don't. Listen. To. My. Plans."

[Gallade]

"I'm not saying we used the scrying pools to have the fantasy equivalent of phone sex. Now, I'm not saying we didn't either."

[JAL_1138]

I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint.

Oh man. It's the little parentheticals, the "it's over there somewhere" or "extra credit" that really make it. I can't *not* read that in Aku's voice now

[Inevitability]

Wizard: Is the scroll made of asbestos?

DM: So yeah, you now control a floating sphere of ice-rock several hundred meters wide and weighing a few tons.
Warlock: I say we drop it on people we don't like!

All: Necro party! Necro party!

[Gallade]

"I ask him if he's the one we're supposed to rescue."
"What do you say to him?"
"Hey, are you Insert Name of the Guy we're Supposed to Rescue Here?"

"Your missed strikes and shots have pretty much carved a bas-relief on the cave wall by now. You're Around The World In 80 Day's-ing this fight."

[Beacon of Chaos]

I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint.

I told the GM and he seemed pleased. I suspect he will now be practicing his Aku voice for the next session.

[DigoDragon]

"I'm not saying we used the scrying pools to have the fantasy equivalent of phone sex. Now, I'm not saying we didn't either."

My bucket list just got a new entry.


Abbott: "Is there something I can do for you?"
Nick: "We're only waist-deep in crap. We want to go all the way deep."

Digo: "Dude, our mule is more exotic than your tiger."

Abbott: "The emperor practices magic, the likes of which no one has ever seen!"
Digo: "That's cause he practices in the closet."
Nick: "Go tell the emperor to stop waving his wand."

Digo: "Nick is nobility. He's from a far away land called... Orlando."
GM: "Um, that isn't--"
Digo: "It's a magic kingdom."

Mel: "Sorry, Deeg. You're Little Mac."

Digo: "So how does this gladiatorial thing work?"
Arena: *starts spitting out hordes of bodies*
Announcer: "Big money! Big prizes! I love it!"
Digo: "Aww, crap."

Nick: *holds up a sign that reads 'You can do it!'*
Digo: "What if I lose this fight?"
Nick: *Flips the sign over so it reads 'You suck!'*

GM: "What is wrong with you?"
Chris: "The list is long and audacious."

Nick: "Get him, Digo! Kick that furry so hard, he finds himself back on Yerf!"

GM: "HOW?! I pitted you against three bugbears and you won! I was ready to have you carted away on a stretcher."
Nick: "By the way, about those three-to-one odds? Yeah, the party just made 375 gold from betting on Digo."
GM: *removes his glasses and headdesks*

Chris: "I apologize for the small print-- Oh, I can make it bigger. Well, just scroll down then because the narrow margins are-- Oh, I can auto-rotate."

Abbott: "My son, what brings you a third time to my presence?"
Chris: "I know, I can't keep away."
Digo: "He's basically your Costello."

Digo: "This isn't a spell! This is half a Reese's Peanutbutter Cup!"

Digo: "Slush of healing?"
Chris: "Ack, brain freeze!! Oh, I feel better."

Chris: "One of the easiest sins you will fall into is--"
Digo: "Fan fiction?"

Nick: "So how high a wedgie do you want us to give to your nephew?"
Digo: "High enough that he can taste it?"

GM: "Oooh."
Mel: "I don't like Oooh."

Digo: "We're hunting something dangerous. Might as well be careful for once."
Chris: "Wait, we can do that?"

GM: "What's Freya's armor class?"
Digo: "Cardboard last time I checked with you."

Digo: "I don't understand what happened. One moment we were fighting displacer beasts, and then a lawnmower drove by and nailed one."

[Miltonian]

From the session yesterday.

"That'll be a DC 20 will save not to SIT, DOGGY."

"So we're fighting a combination of Darth Vader and Wolverine?"
"We're screwed."

"Hey! I was right. We were screwed."

"Can I grab [player 2]'s bow? I want to sell it to [criminal, magic item syndicate]."
"You are the biggest bastard I ever met."

[ZeroGear]

Buster: "Time for the seasoning!"
Dealer: What exactly do you put on your steak?
Buster: A1, Worcester Sauce, Sweet mustard, and Mayonnaise.
Wyzz: So you cover your steak in AWSM Sauce?
Dealer: *headdesk*

Wyzz: "Is Sypher still in your augments?"
Rivit: "Sadly. Still haven't managed to make her a new body."
Buster: "But you're so close now."
Sypher: *possesses Rivit's cyber arm and cuffs Buster.*

General Eisenfaust: *Cracks knuckles* "Zeit für you to feel schmertz!"
Nyfe: "Tactical retreat?"
Wyzz: "Tactical retreat.
Rivit: "RUN!"
Dealer: As you run through the doors and sprint down the stairs, you hear a maniacally jovial laugh though the stonework. AS you reach the bottom of the staircase, the door in front of you bursts open, revealing the towering form of General Eisenfaust on the other side.
Nyfe: Did he just pull a f***ing Gamagori?

Buster: "Anyone got any buckets? Or something to plug this big hole?"
Nyfe: *sits down and plugs the hole with her butt*
Buster: "That works.*
Nyfe: "The advantages of being Thicc."

Enemy Ninja: "Even if it's the last thing I do, I shall ram my fingers up [Buster's] butt."
Buster: O.O

Rivit: "Why is that gorilla in a nightgown?"
Wyzz: "And why does it have hair curlers?"
Gorilla: "Ook."

Solvo: "You know something I don't."
Wyzz: "I know a lot of things."
Solvo: "I want the location of the maps your group holds."
Wyzz: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Solvo: "I guess then there's only one way for me to truly know what you know."
Wyzz: "...ask nicely?"
Solvo: "I'm going..." *pulls down curtain, revealing an oversized bong* "to smoke you."
Wyzz: "...I'm going to so give you lung cancer."

Nyfe: "Rivit! You're safe!"
Rivit: "So are you?"
Buster: "Where's Wyzz?"
Wyzz: "Don't know, he got carried off by a gorilla with hair curlers... why are you walking funny?"
Nyfe: "He ended up on the wrong end of a kancho."

[DeafnotDumb]

Heretical context: my weekly Masks (teen superhero) game.

Purple Diamond: The Silver Age was a… different time. A different, more racist time.

Purple Diamond: His name was Kickpuncher. He had feet for hands and hands for feet. He kicked punches and punched kicks. He was the worst supervillain I have ever met, and I lost to him.

AGEIS Interrogator: Do you want to eat this glass? Does it look tasty? Does it make you hungry? [Shoving empty glass towards Shaker’s face] Does it? Does it?

Shaker: Steve is currently taking time-out in the bathroom for being an incompetent ****stick.

Priest: I would not recommend attempting to feed your comrades to vampires.
Shaker: He’s only slightly unwilling.
Priest: Lord grant me patience.

Alarma Larma Girl: It turns out that Alarma Girl is trademarked, so, er… I guess I’m Larma Girl again.
Saviour: Trademarked?
Larma Girl: Saturday Morning Cartoon deal.

Larma Girl: We’re all fighting our internal Kickpuncher [taps heart] in here.

[Gallade]

"The rope tries to coil around your foot...(roll) and fails spectacularly."
"Shouldn't he fall over?"
"No, he's not the one who did the maneuver. He just animated the rope, the rope's the one who did the maneuver."
"Okay, shouldn't the rope fall over now?"
"(Sigh) the rope knots itself up embarassingly and falls over."
"I'm SO coup de gracing that rope."

"Ok, now you can grow boils on your knuckles which spray your enemy with poison when you punch them..."
"Purple Haze"
"DAMMIT, I knew it had been done already"

[Grim Portent]

P1: In deference to the climate [Barbarian] is wearing loose fitting clothes that he can remove easily when raging.

P2: Like a stripper?

P3: Sexy music plays when he rages.

P3+P4: Ba-da-badah-BAH! *P4 mimes tearing open their shirt like a male stripper*

P3: Oh my god, this is now the canon for how [Barbarian] rages!

[Joe the Rat]

I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint.

Well NOW I am...

From Session 0:

DM: I'd like you to play a Kender.

[Sniccups]

"Use your words, not the net"

"Whatever you do, don't mention demons"

"Long-distance intimidation!"

(after rolling a 20 on a check to "find chickens") "You found all the chickens. There aren't any"

"Check for chameleons" (rolls a 20) "There aren't any" "What about chickens?"

"There can always be chameleons!"