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  1. - Top - End - #1171
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Merry Christmas to one and all! Congrats to half-halfling for winning the Winter-Crack! I'm getting turkey soon! Must add more exclamation marks!

    On another note, I'm 22 and I don't think I'll ever feel grown up.

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    It starts with that.

    It also includes such wonderful "implements" such as physical-stat-enhancing potions, scrolls of grease, rope trick, mage hand, black tentacles, and Evan's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion, a half-mile of silk rope, manacles, a whip, black leather, red leather, a french maid outfit, a broomstick, a plunger, a wand, a bunch of feathers, a leg lamp, jelly, and some vibrating thing with non-Euclidean geometry.

    What do you think of this now?
    *backs away slowly*
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  2. - Top - End - #1172
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    Closak's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Nope.

    Tell me, should I be afraid of what Closak's doing?
    Yes you should.

    Vexen is a crazy scientist who will experiment on just about anything.

    He's also a master of ice, the guys weapon is a shield make out of magical ice.
    He can do all manner of things with the power of ice.

    And he's crazy crazy CRAZY!

    So yes, you should be afraid, very afraid,because Vexen will turn you into a test subject.

  3. - Top - End - #1173
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    So Vexen is to science as Zanaril is to CrackThreads?

    It's a match made in the 10th circle.
    Last edited by doliest; 2009-12-25 at 09:35 AM.
    Doliest's crimes against good taste
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    An Uwe Boll fan, and proud of it. LONG LIVE THE BOLL!

    Also a Michael Bay fan.

    Likes Jar Jar

    Likes FATAL..... No, I'm sorry, but no. Everything else on this list? I like, but while I've done many horrible things in my life, I WILL NOT claim to like FATAL.



    Let's Playing Final Fantasy with extreme prejudice

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Forgive me, Mr Tolkien. You do not deserve what I now do to you.

  4. - Top - End - #1174
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    Closak's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    He also turn you into a icicle if you try to resist or displease him in any way.

    He can freeze you solid, stab you with icicles, and many other ice-related and extremely painful ways of dying.


    Also, he might decide to clone you and force you to fight the clone to the death.

  5. - Top - End - #1175
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    My Sapphire LG team is currently:


    Grovyle-Nale (level 17)
    Poochyena-Pompey (level 4)
    SILCOON (level 5)
    Zigzagoon-Yikyik (level 4)

    The Silcoon is just there so I can have it in my Pokedex, and I really doubt I'm finalizing my team with Pompey as a Poochy...



    If Zanaril's Vexen, I'm Axel. FLAME ON
    Last edited by BatRobin; 2009-12-25 at 09:54 AM.
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    Avatar by KwarkPudding!

  6. - Top - End - #1176
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    It starts with that.

    It also includes such wonderful "implements" as physical-stat-enhancing potions, scrolls of grease, rope trick, mage hand, black tentacles, and Evan's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion, a half-mile of silk rope, manacles, a whip, black leather, red leather, a french maid outfit, a broomstick, a plunger, a wand, a bunch of feathers, a leg lamp, jelly, and some vibrating thing with non-Euclidean geometry.

    What do you think of this now?
    Someone's going to get hurt.

    Whether or not they care is entirely another matter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Closak View Post
    He also turn you into a icicle if you try to resist or displease him in any way.

    He can freeze you solid, stab you with icicles, and many other ice-related and extremely painful ways of dying.


    Also, he might decide to clone you and force you to fight the clone to the death.
    Kinky.


    This post was made after imbuing several glasses of acoholoc beverage and I therfore cannot be held reponsable for it's contents.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-12-25 at 10:16 AM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  7. - Top - End - #1177
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    So Zanaril's Drinks ARE spiked!
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    Avatar by KwarkPudding!

  8. - Top - End - #1178
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Merry Christmas, everybody! I've got some stuff to post as well, assuming I can get my scanner to work and finish editing some stuff.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  9. - Top - End - #1179
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by BatRobin View Post
    So Zanaril's Drinks ARE spiked!
    Only with *hic* alcohol.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  10. - Top - End - #1180
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    My life was a Hallmark card today. First we came downstairs to see that it had SNOWED...in THE DEEP SOUTH. Then, when my grandma found out she had no batteries I handed her the present I got her; a new camera that's fully charged. We then all settled around the tree and enjoyed christmas....seriously I'm getting freaked out....and it's helping me get the fluff fluids going for later today when I get out another chapter of the VxDarius....although one of the presents I got WAS Hellraiser, so it may go squicky without me intending it.
    Doliest's crimes against good taste
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    An Uwe Boll fan, and proud of it. LONG LIVE THE BOLL!

    Also a Michael Bay fan.

    Likes Jar Jar

    Likes FATAL..... No, I'm sorry, but no. Everything else on this list? I like, but while I've done many horrible things in my life, I WILL NOT claim to like FATAL.



    Let's Playing Final Fantasy with extreme prejudice

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Forgive me, Mr Tolkien. You do not deserve what I now do to you.

  11. - Top - End - #1181
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Christmas: a time for debating how to pair OoTS characters, just like any other day.

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    I'm surprised no one has tried or suggested pairing an OoTS character with a holiday character yet, like XykonXEldritch Abomination Frosty the Snowman or something.
    Assistant Executioneer of the Fanclub

    Grunt Spearman of the Fanclub

  12. - Top - End - #1182
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Asta Kask's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    How Belkar stole Christmas?
    Avatar by CoffeeIncluded

    Oooh, and that's a bad miss.

    “Don't exercise your freedom of speech until you have exercised your freedom of thought.”
    ― Tim Fargo

  13. - Top - End - #1183
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    How about Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" with the following cast?

    Scrooge: Haley
    Bob Scratchit: Yikyik
    Tiny Tim: Yokyok (See, see!?! )
    The first wraith (can't remember his name, Scrooge's old business partner): Elan
    Ghost of Christmas past: Horace Greenhilt
    Ghost of Christmas present: Xykon
    Ghost of Christmas future: V

    ?

    Um, why is everyone backing away from me so slowly?

  14. - Top - End - #1184
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Xykon should be Scrooge.

    And instead of the ghosts trying to pursuade him to become good, they should just be trying to convince him of the benefits of love.

    Yes, that type of love; because it turns out that Tsukiko is behind the whole thing.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-12-25 at 01:11 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  15. - Top - End - #1185
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    It starts with that.

    It also includes such wonderful "implements" as physical-stat-enhancing potions, scrolls of grease, rope trick, mage hand, black tentacles, and Evan's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion, a half-mile of silk rope, manacles, a whip, black leather, red leather, a french maid outfit, a broomstick, a plunger, a wand, a bunch of feathers, a leg lamp, jelly, and some vibrating thing with non-Euclidean geometry.

    What do you think of this now?
    Soooooooooo.... "Starts chewing on wrist's wilhes making funny noise's."
    Last edited by The Odor; 2009-12-25 at 01:57 PM.
    Evil. Iam diffrent. Have a problem with that...
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    Thanks To Dashwood for Spider avatar.
    Thanks To Mr Saturn for Goth Man avatar.

  16. - Top - End - #1186
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    It starts with that.

    It also includes such wonderful "implements" as physical-stat-enhancing potions, scrolls of grease, rope trick, mage hand, black tentacles, and Evan's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion, a half-mile of silk rope, manacles, a whip, black leather, red leather, a french maid outfit, a broomstick, a plunger, a wand, a bunch of feathers, a leg lamp, jelly, and some vibrating thing with non-Euclidean geometry.

    What do you think of this now?
    I wasn't worried until I read that part.

    *hides in his closet and paints an Elder Sign on the door*



    Merry Christmas, my crack-pairing-loving friends! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

    I've personally had better Christmases. How's everybody else doing today?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  17. - Top - End - #1187
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    It starts with that.

    It also includes such wonderful "implements" as physical-stat-enhancing potions, scrolls of grease, rope trick, mage hand, black tentacles, and Evan's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion, a half-mile of silk rope, manacles, a whip, black leather, red leather, a french maid outfit, a broomstick, a plunger, a wand, a bunch of feathers, a leg lamp, jelly, and some vibrating thing with non-Euclidean geometry.

    What do you think of this now?
    Highly detailed drawing or it didn't happen. You know, so I can study it while I'm...alone.....>:)

    Also, Merry Crackmas everyone!

  18. - Top - End - #1188
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    I've personally had better Christmases. How's everybody else doing today?
    Well, my brother's screaming again and my mom walked out of the house. Earlier today I had to go to my mom's office and work for about 4 hours. At least I got paid for it ($170; most of it owed from earlier this summer)

    And my dad said he'd get me a tablet for Hanukkah, but that means "Some time in March."

    ...*Sigh*

  19. - Top - End - #1189
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    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    I've personally had better Christmases. How's everybody else doing today?
    I'm drooling over my new tablet (not literally, of course), plus I got a movie or two I wanted to see.

    Other than that it was rather lackluster, but I'm not too fussed.

    I also got given a large canvas and an unsubtle hint about them not having anything to hang on the wall in the kitchen.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-12-25 at 02:54 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  20. - Top - End - #1190
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    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Well, my brother's screaming again and my mom walked out of the house. Earlier today I had to go to my mom's office and work for about 4 hours. At least I got paid for it ($170; most of it owed from earlier this summer)

    And my dad said he'd get me a tablet for Hanukkah, but that means "Some time in March."

    ...*Sigh*
    Dang. I'm sorry. Makes mine not seem as bad. Granted, my mom won't even talk to me right now, but at least she didn't storm out of the house... I hope things perk up for you.

    But hey, at least you made a few bucks!
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  21. - Top - End - #1191
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Xykon should be Scrooge.

    And instead of the ghosts trying to pursuade him to become good, they should just be trying to convince him of the benefits of love.

    Yes, that type of love; because it turns out that Tsukiko is behind the whole thing.
    That sounds absolutely awesome.

    Happy Christmas everybody!

    Here's a continuation of the VxHaleyxElan thing that picks up where Discord left off, complete with confirmation that both Haley's pregnancy and the VxHxE threesome will happen eventually!

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    Taking Haley’s Intellect’s advice, Haley and Vaarsuvius avoided discovery this time around by not only locking the door but also trading room number door plates with the empty room across the hall. Not surprisingly, Haley was in quite the chipper mood when she and Vaarsuvius met with the rest of the Order a couple of hours later.

    ---

    Aside from Vaarsuvius and Elan exchanging several odd looks along the way, the journey to and through Sunken Valley went unexpectedly well. No one really had anything to worry about until it came time to ask their questions…

    ---

    I should ask about Miss Star—Haley, Vaarsuvius thought as he awaited his turn to question the oracle. I would never forgive myself if we were doing the wrong thing… But… He desperately wanted to know how he would achieve his life goal of obtaining complete and total ultimate arcane power.

    His stomach knotted. If he would.

    Far too many times since Sir Greenhilt had proposed this mission he had imagined asking the oracle his question and the oracle replying, ”You won’t.” If that terrible fantasy came true, he’d be… lost.

    “It be yer turn,” Durkon called to Vaarsuvius, skipping giddily out of the oracle’s chamber.

    “Good news?” Vaarsuvius asked Durkon as he stood up shakily.

    “The best!” Durkon declared, beaming.

    At least someone’s happy…

    The Oracle snickered as Vaarsuvius approached.

    “What?” asked Vaarsuvius, offended.

    “Well,” said the oracle, “If you really want that to be your question, then--”

    “No! No, no, no!” Vaarsuvius cried hurridly, “My question is…” He gulped. Why couldn’t I have somehow collected enough gold for two questions, confound it all…

    “Ah, ah, ah,” said the oracle, “Gold first.”

    “Of course,” Vaarsuvius murmured, setting his bag of gold on the ground near the oracle and wiping his clammy palms on his robe.

    “Well…?” the oracle prompted.

    How many times had he imagined the oracle saying ”You won’t”? How many more would he do so if he didn’t ask now?

    Sighing, Vaarsuvius asked the oracle, “How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?”

    ---

    When her turn came, Haley sighed and hoped the oracle would give her good advice.

    “He’ll give you my advice,” Self-Loathing told her matter-of-factly, “You’re going to feel really stupid when you’ve spent all that gold just to have him tell you what you already know.”

    The oracle chuckled as Haley entered the chamber. She came close to asking ”What’s so funny?” but stopped herself in time, not wanting to unintentionally waste her question.

    “Heck, I’ll tell you,” the oracle said, snickering, “It’s not like you’ll remember: Let’s just say that that marvelous little triangle you’re in with the elf and the bard is going to get even more… interesting in about… nine months?” He broke down laughing and took several seconds to recover while Haley stared at him, horrified.

    “Okay, okay, I’m good. Ask your question.”

    “Bfqe zqp M rt et fjketfj wi kljjzf?” Haley asked her question as planned, dazed.


    ---

    Ever since this morning, Elan hadn’t been able to go five minutes without seeing that shocked and hurt look on Haley’s face in his mind’s eye. He’d wanted to talk to her about it, but by the time he’d recovered from the Cone of Cold, both Haley and Vaarsuvius were no where to be found. When the party finally pulled itself back together to head out to Sunken Valley, he hadn’t wanted to bug either of them about it in front Roy and the others, and besides, Haley looked much more cheerful, but still…

    “Will this story have a happy ending?” he asked, his voice laced with anxiety, Haley’s piercingly pained expression all he could see though he was staring at a purple-clad kobald.

    The oracle frowned. On the one hand, there was way too much passion in the little triangle he saw to allow much happiness in while all three points participated, but, on the other hand, as far as just the blonde’s future went…

    “Yes,” he told Elan reluctantly, adding, “For you, at least.”

    Later that day he wondered if perhaps his answer to that question should have been an unmodified “yes”. There would be a happy-for-all-concerned moment for the trio later on that involved disgusting mammalian mating, but only some would consider that moment the end of the story.

    ---

    As they headed out of Sunken Valley, Elan felt simultaneously light-hearted and queasy. It was a dream-come-true to know he would get a happy ending just like he’d always hoped, but he just knew that his need to know what the oracle had meant by ”For you, at least” was going to tear him apart.

    ---

    Vaarsuvius, meanwhile, was overcome with guilt. How could I be so selfish? Why couldn’t I trust in my own abilities and put Haley first instead of “check” to make sure I’ll someday reach my full potential?

    ---

    I hope I’m wrong about what the oracle was laughing about… Haley was thinking, after all, many things could make the situation more "interesting" and the nine months thing could be a coincidence, But I have to tell V somehow…

    “Good luck with that,” said Self-Loathing, “Because, guess what? The ‘gift horse’ ain’t a purple-haired elf.”

    “Can’t prove it’s a blonde-in-the-brain bard, either,” Self-Reliance pointed out, “You know, it could be something that has absolutely nothing to do with either of them.”

    “Doubt it,” said Self-Loathing.

    “If we may re-focus on the matter of immediate importance,” said Intellect loudly before turning to Haley, “Write him a note before we leave the valley.”

    Nodding, Haley sat down on the ground and took some scarcely-used writing materials out of her pack. Within a minute, she’d written a note that covered it:

    V,

    When I was talking with the oracle, he said something that may imply I’m pregnant. We need to talk.


    But alas… thought, Haley, shaking her head, Stupid…

    She crossed out “We need to talk” and replaced it with “We need to meet in private and work this out.

    Awkward, yes, but it would have to do.

    She was re-reading the note when she heard Durkon call to her, “Lass! Are ye comin’ or what?”

    “Ztwmpa!” Haley called back, hurriedly stuffing everything back in her pack before running to catch up with the rest of the group.

    “We need to go back!” Roy was saying as Haley caught up with Durkon at the back of the group, “We need to ask the--”

    They passed the sign that indicated they’d left Sunken Valley.

    “Lass!” Durkon exclaimed, pointing at Haley’s pack, “Are ye carrying ink?”

    “Byqe?” said Haley, looking where Durkon indicated, “Rqwwme!” A wet, black blotch was spreading from inside the bag. While Roy and the others chattered about Girard’s Gate, she dug the offending bottle of ink out of the bag and firmly re-corked it. What’s this? she wondered, spotting an unfamiliar paper among her ink-soaked belongings.

    V, she read, When I was talking with the oracle, he said something that may imply

    The rest of the paper was soaked in ink, rendering any other text illegible.

    That’s my handwriting… she thought, frowning, Why don’t I remember writing this?

    “I don’t like it,” said Mistrust, “Looks like someone’s using some kind of weird magic on you.”

    “I agree,” said Intellect, “We must figure out where this note came from and what it originally said.”

    What would V need to know about what the oracle told me? Haley wondered. She was getting an ominous feeling that whatever it was, it was very important.


  22. - Top - End - #1192
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Yay! Let's get started with the noodle implements!

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    "Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so..."

    Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."

    "Huh?"

    "Elan, there's uhm...Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

    "Yeah, that one was fun."

    "Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though..."

    Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

    Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? ...You're serious?" Elan nodded. "...YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

    Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"

    ===

    Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

    When she bought the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Tentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

    Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.

    ===

    As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

    Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

    Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And now--WHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! --CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on by--AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now you--YOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOW--WITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

    ===

    Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

    "...Never ask what happened here?"

    "Aye."


    ...Thoughts? This was a lot of fun to write.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-12-25 at 03:20 PM.

  23. - Top - End - #1193
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Yay! Let's get started with the noodle implements!

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    "Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so..."

    Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."

    "Huh?"

    "Elan, there's uhm...Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

    "Yeah, that one was fun."

    "Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though..."

    Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

    Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? ...You're serious?" Elan nodded. "...YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

    Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"

    ===

    Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

    When she dropped the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Bentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

    Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.

    ===

    As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

    Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

    Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And now--WHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! --CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on by--AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now you--YOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOW--WITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

    ===

    Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

    "...Never ask what happened here?"

    "Aye."


    ...Thoughts? This was a lot of fun to write.

    Literally lol.

    Sand does NOT go there!

    Then again, should Belkar really get all the pity? What about poor Elan? One minute it's

    This looks like fun!

    The next it's

    Put it WHERE? Is that even what it was designed for?

    Obviously not.
    Last edited by ShinyDelusion; 2009-12-25 at 03:22 PM.

  24. - Top - End - #1194
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    ROFL!! Wow, good job Coffee! That was hilarious! Poor Belkar. But I must wonder... Will that end up on Fox News?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  25. - Top - End - #1195
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Why thank you!

    Shiny: Yes, but Elan's going along with it. So is V.

    Lycan: Maybe, maybe not.

    ...I have no idea how some of those would be used. How do you guys think they would be used?

  26. - Top - End - #1196
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Yay! Let's get started with the noodle implements!

    Spoiler
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    "Haley? Is V acting funny today, or is it just me? V's been flirting with me all day, at least I think so..."

    Haley stared at Elan for a moment, then broke into a wide grin. "This is great."

    "Huh?"

    "Elan, there's uhm...Remember when we played out a fantasy of yours last week? The one with the flute, the rope, and Banjo?"

    "Yeah, that one was fun."

    "Well, uhm, I have a fantasy scenario too. It's kinda complicated though..."

    Elan tilted his head and smiled. "Really? Can we do it? Please?"

    Haley's jaw dropped. "Really? ...You're serious?" Elan nodded. "...YAHOO!!! Go get V, I'll be right back! YES!" She ran to the shop pumping her fist in joy.

    Belkar, who had been eavesdropping, grinned wickedly. "This is too good to not record. Next stop, Quest Buy!"

    ===

    Three hours later, Haley came back from the shop with a wagon full of various objects. "Well, that went better than I thought it would be," she said to herself.

    When she bought the physical-stat-enhancing potions, the scrolls of Grease, Rope Trick, Mage Hand, Black Tentacles, and Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, the silk rope, the manacles, the whip, the leather (Black AND red!) and the french maid outfit, the shopkeeper just grinned knowingly. When Haley asked to purchase the broomstick, the plunger, the wand, the feathers, the leg lamp, the funnel, the apples, the melon and carrot, the jelly, the bucket of sand, the cup, the hacksaw, the dead trout, and the rubber chicken, the shopkeeper began to look a little worried. By the time Haley put the vaguely phallic vibrating object with non-Euclidean geometry on the counter, she had to bribe the shopkeeper into not telling the police.

    Meanwhile, Belkar was busy planting his newly-bought Teevo in Haley's room, giggling all the while.

    ===

    As Belkar heard Haley walking up the steps, he scampered into his room and turned on Teevo, a psychotic grin spread across his face. He leaned forward in excitement as Haley, Belkar, and an oddly-behaving Vaarsuvius ran into the room and locked the door, then grinned even more widely as Haley poured her gold all over the floor, began to strip, and took out the rope, manacles, whip, and scrolls.

    Then she took out the other objects and things began to go south for Belkar very quickly.

    Belkar's grin quickly turned into a look of shock and horror as he saw Haley's long-time sexual fantasy played out in front of him. "No no NO! AGH! GODS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?! THAT'S NOT EVEN NORMAL! Oh Gods, what now? Agh! AGHH! No! NO! That does NOT GO THERE! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT IN THERE?! And now--WHAT?! APPLES?! No! No no NO! You do NOT use that like that! --CAN THAT EVEN FIT IN THERE?! HOW DEEP DOES THAT GO?! Oh Gods, that is DISGUSTING! How can you POSSIBLY be turned on by--AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! And now you--YOU'RE EATING IT?! MERCIFUL GODS; HOW--WITH A MELON?! WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN V'S EARS?! No, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING V'S EARS INTO?! No! Sand does not go there! Sand does NOT go there! Oh Gods, what is that thing?! WHAT IS THAT THING?! THAT'S NOT EVEN EUCLIDEAN! AND YOU'RE SHOVING IT-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

    ===

    Durkon and Roy came back from the tavern to see Belkar rocking back and forth on the floor, trembling madly and sucking his thumb.

    "...Never ask what happened here?"

    "Aye."


    ...Thoughts? This was a lot of fun to write.




    That....
    That is.....
    That is Freaking amasing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Evil. Iam diffrent. Have a problem with that...
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    Thanks To Mr Saturn for Goth Man avatar.

  27. - Top - End - #1197
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by The Odor View Post


    That....
    That is.....
    That is Freaking amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ...Wow, I had no idea I'd get such a positive reception.

    ...Uhm, what did you like best about it, if you don't mind my asking?

  28. - Top - End - #1198
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    ...Wow, I had no idea I'd get such a positive reception.

    ...Uhm, what did you like best about it, if you don't mind my asking?
    Ohh hard... I gotta go with when Haley bought those things.
    Evil. Iam diffrent. Have a problem with that...
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    Thanks To Dashwood for Spider avatar.
    Thanks To Mr Saturn for Goth Man avatar.

  29. - Top - End - #1199
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    Quote Originally Posted by The Odor View Post
    Ohh hard... I gotta go with when Haley bought those things.
    Yeah. After the obvious "How can this be used in a perverted fashion" ones, I just pulled stuff out of the air.

    How do you think they were used?
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-12-25 at 03:40 PM.

  30. - Top - End - #1200
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It

    CoffeeIncluded, that was mightily excellent!

    I was reminded of those videos in YouTube of people seeing TGOC for the first time.

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