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  1. - Top - End - #151
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    My brother is like Belkar. But smarter. Last night when I refused to show him what I was looking at online, he screamed at me, ripped my laptop out of my hands, kicked my backpack, and threw my deodorant at me. Pretty much par for the course.

  2. - Top - End - #152
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I have three brothers. One of whom is Roy, one of whom is V, except with more social skills, and one of whom is Thog, but smarter. I'm pretty much like Eugene Greenhilt. Ours is a household rife with arguments over ridiculously petty things.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  3. - Top - End - #153
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    My friend's brother deletes savegames.

    Other peoples' savegames.

    Without asking.

    And he's what, twenty? I still can't grasp how she's managed to avoid murdering him all these years.

    Makes me glad I'm an only child. XD

    Oh, and Esmerelder, I loved that body-swapping fic. :D Hilarious. V threatening to mutilate himself is creepily in-character. Please, continue! :D
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
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  4. - Top - End - #154
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    My brother doesn't do that (at least, not as much as he used to), but there was (is?) a time when he would leave his games running for days before noticing. It doesn't happen as much now, but I'm not sure he doesn't still do it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Thank you. ^.^ I don't know, they just fit together surprisingly easily.

    But I'm not sure I understand the last part...
    It's just a shock. I've been in the "V = female" camp for as long as I've known it was debated, but I have trouble processing when my favorite character gets a sudden physical ailment with no easy remedy. And with Redcloak, no less!

    However, by no means am I saying I am against this. Quite the contrary; I think V has been needing to mature out of being the one who blasts first and asks questions later. It cost her her family, and perhaps a great deal more besides. If a couple years of pregnancy can help her do that, I see no reason to hate it.

    As for the fanon, that's effectively what that lecture about V's childhood is, at least until RB comes and confirms it. (Although whether or not we perceive it as canon is our own choice. )
    Last edited by Thor Person Guy; 2009-11-02 at 08:06 PM.
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    ...I feel ignored.

  5. - Top - End - #155
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Damn you all. I'm supposed to be writing an essay discussing the motivations of various characters in Great Expectations, not archive bingeing on the crack pairings thread.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  6. - Top - End - #156
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Rettu Skcollob's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Woah. Hold on; people who make 'crack' fanfiction pairings that are actually well thought out, written fantastically and make my cold icy heart feel for the characters?

    Thanks for making me revise my view of reality guys, now I'm going to have to find a whole new group to mock. And I feel like joining in as well, despite having written nothing for years since I'm so bad at it.
    Feel free to catch me on MSN if you ever feel like a chat! You can find me under "ChocolateHeathen (At) Hotmail (Dot) com", most days.


  7. - Top - End - #157
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I'm older, smarter, bigger, fitter and scarier then all my brothers. It's a good trait to have.

    Pity I never got to use this, I do like me some megalomania, particularly when it can be backed up...
    Spoiler
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    “Little Halfling! I was burning worlds before your existence was a glimmer in Arneson’s eye! I was breaking people before your pathetic species genesis! I was fighting battles when your only struggle was to climb out of a womb! I was taking over the creation when your universe was a crib! Darkness? Little mortal.... I INVENTED Darkness!! I am sin! I am perversion, hedonism and lust! I am the fire that burns in your veins and the passions that suffuse your heart!

    Your gods are as nothing to me, specs infesting one pitiful world in creation! You think your sins are original, but I’ve seen it all before. Every time you tortured, every time you plied your pitiful craft over another, I was there. Every time you smiled as you weakened others, as you took advantage of innocence, as you perverted goodness you called to me. Every time you gave in to your own perversions and enjoyed the ecstasy, the hedonistic rush of killing, you were me.

    You are me, little Halfling, but I am not you. You have spent your life in one blood drenched, silent prayer to me, but I have barely deigned to recognize your existence. You are a seconds diversion to a primal force of creation, soon to be cast aside and forgotten. I am sin itself. I am a pillar of creation, without me there would be no universe, no choice. I am fundamental, untouchable and eternal. But you, you are nothing, nothing at all.

    Now...On. Your. Knees...Bitch.”
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  8. - Top - End - #158
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    Skeppio's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    My friend's brother deletes savegames.

    Other peoples' savegames.

    Without asking.

    And he's what, twenty? I still can't grasp how she's managed to avoid murdering him all these years.
    I'm glad my brother isn't like that. If he was, I'd throw him down the stairs. Idiots like that should never be tolerated. I'm still furious about my cousin's attempt to steal my copy of Mario Kart DS. Steals my cart, deletes my save data and lies to me, my parents and his parents. When I see him next, he's in for one verbal lashing.
    Last edited by Skeppio; 2009-11-03 at 04:39 AM.

  9. - Top - End - #159

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Rettu Skcollob View Post
    Thanks for making me revise my view of reality guys, now I'm going to have to find a whole new group to mock.
    We try.

    You could mock /b/-tards.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  10. - Top - End - #160
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Rettu Skcollob's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    We try.

    You could mock /b/-tards.
    *Looks at Location underneath avvy*

    Feel free to catch me on MSN if you ever feel like a chat! You can find me under "ChocolateHeathen (At) Hotmail (Dot) com", most days.


  11. - Top - End - #161
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    Pity I never got to use this, I do like me some megalomania, particularly when it can be backed up...
    Spoiler
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    Now...On. Your. Knees...Bitch.”
    This is who Xykon idolizes.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  12. - Top - End - #162
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Another tale for you, with a bittersweet ending:

    Spoiler
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    The tears began to drip down her face, smoking as they hit the stony floor beneath her. The Oracle had told her what happened to her beloved son and how valiantly he had fought against the despicable adventurers. He had been unusually expansive in his answer to her; granted, she was capable of obliterating him within 2 rounds but she sensed there was more to it than that...

    “If it hadn't been for the elf...”

    “Vaarsuvius!” she said, with even more venom than usual.

    “...I think he'd have a new green-hilted toothpick by now.”

    “You have done more for me than you know,” said the Dragon, gazing at the little kobold below her. “Now I can have closure, followed by an unspeakable revenge.”

    “It was nothing, really,” replied the Oracle, blushing.

    “You have earned your fee a hundred times over and a little something more...” She leaned over and with the softest of movements, nipped the back of the Oracle's neck. He turned towards her face, a huge smile beginning to form, and licked her cheek.

    Leaning in closer, she whispered gently into his ear, “Do you have somewhere a little more private we can go?”

    By way of an answer, the Oracle raised a hand and a section of ground near the tower opened up into a long dark passageway. The Dragon followed him down the steps, which opened out into a huge torchlit cavern. Gold and jewels were scattered across the floor and towering piles of skulls stood in each corner of the room. In draconic terms, this was the equivalent of a huge four poster bed with silk sheets and a champagne bucket in the corner. She was momentarily taken aback.

    “I hope you're not in the habit of seducing every ancient black dragon that comes to your tower,” she murmured.

    “No ma'am, I'm very particular in whom I chose to spend the night with,” said the Oracle, grinning broadly. *

    She stretched out on the nearest heap of gold and looked at the small kobold, afraid to ask the question that had been running through her mind. He already knew what she was thinking and held up a couple of scrolls – Enlarge Person and Bull's Stamina. Her eyes began to blaze with lust and as soon as the casting was complete, the Oracle slipped off his robe and moved behind her....

    *****

    “Huh, has that hole always been there?” said the figure in red.

    “Definitely,” replied his green companion, leaning in for a closer look.

    “I can hear something.”

    “Yeah, I can hear it as well,” said Green, glaring at his friend.

    “No, seriously, it sounds like someone moaning and gasping,”

    “Yeah, it doesn't sound like someone saying “Yes, yes, oh yes!” at all.”

    “I think it's getting louder. I wonder what's happening down-”

    Unfortunately, their conversation was cut short as a colossal fountain of acid burst forth from the end of the tunnel, reducing both of them to dripping acid-stained skeletons. Had either of them survived and felt brave enough to head down, they would have seen a dragon curled up with a small kobold in her arms, fast asleep.

    *****

    The sun shone brightly on them as they emerged from the cave and the dragon announced she had to leave.

    “Are you sure I can't persuade you to stay a while longer?” asked the Oracle, a mixture of hope and regret in his eyes.

    “I'm sorry, my love, but I have to go...” she said, gazing wistfully at her companion. With broad strokes of her wings, she slowly began to ascend.

    “Will you call me sometime?” he yelled.

    “You're the Oracle!” she laughed. As she looked back, she winked at him in a way that made his cynical heart leap with joy. He thought about using his powers to see if she'd return but decided against it. It would be a wonderful surprise for the future.


    * Please see previous threads about the validity of this statement.

  13. - Top - End - #163
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    “No ma'am, I'm very particular in whom I chose to spend the night with,” said the Oracle, grinning broadly. *
    That Oracle is as much a liar as he is stone coldblooded sexy.

    ...Wait, what?
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  14. - Top - End - #164
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    It's refreshing (and reassuring) to have a story where the Oracle doesn't give rapist vibes. :p
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  15. - Top - End - #165
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    It's refreshing (and reassuring) to have a story where the Oracle doesn't give rapist vibes. :p
    Because opportunist vibes are so much better.
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
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  16. - Top - End - #166
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Well, we all know why Koboldnova was chosen by Tiamat to become the Oracle.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaytara View Post
    V threatening to mutilate himself is creepily in-character. Please, continue! :D
    There's, of course, a little problem with this. They didn't get body-swapped; their original body polymorphed into a different body (at least according to V). So hurting himself won't actually do anything to Belkar's actual body. But Belkar doesn't need to know that.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  17. - Top - End - #167
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    There's, of course, a little problem with this. They didn't get body-swapped; their original body polymorphed into a different body (at least according to V). So hurting himself won't actually do anything to Belkar's actual body. But Belkar doesn't need to know that.
    Judging my the fact that Haley woke up hovering in the air, and Roy couldn't find his sword, I suspect that they actually have been body-swapped.

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    Another tale for you, with a bittersweet ending:
    I just realised that I'm now craving another V (or some other elf) x ABD fic. What's wrong with me???
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-03 at 01:46 PM.
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  18. - Top - End - #168
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    I just realised that I'm now craving another V (or some other elf) x ABD fic. What's wrong with me???
    Yes! She finally said it! I just won, like, a dozen bets!
    Avatar by Zanaril

    ...I feel ignored.

  19. - Top - End - #169
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Thor Person Guy View Post
    Yes! She finally said it! I just won, like, a dozen bets!
    Said what?

    *is wondering if she could pull off an ABD x Aarindarius fic...*
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-03 at 02:14 PM.
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  20. - Top - End - #170
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Said what?
    Said "What is wrong with me?"

    The tale leading up to the bet is long, complex, and I've forgotten most of the details anyway. Short version: I now have $75 more than I had this morning.
    Avatar by Zanaril

    ...I feel ignored.

  21. - Top - End - #171
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Thor Person Guy View Post
    Said "What is wrong with me?"

    The tale leading up to the bet is long, complex, and I've forgotten most of the details anyway. Short version: I now have $75 more than I had this morning.
    I'm not sure whether to be flattered or disturbed.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  22. - Top - End - #172

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Rettu Skcollob View Post
    *Looks at Location underneath avvy*

    Hey, you gotta be able to laugh at yourself sometimes.

    I do it almost constantly.
    Last edited by The Dark Fiddler; 2009-11-03 at 03:21 PM.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  23. - Top - End - #173
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Well, teacher/student romance was most certainly a trope in ancient Greece.

    "Aarindarius, where do babies come from?"
    "I will show you. Come to my bedroom. "
    ...NEED BRAIN ACID!!!
    Last edited by Aaron; 2009-11-03 at 03:41 PM.
    Your local Cleric.

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    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  24. - Top - End - #174
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    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Aaron View Post
    ...NEED BRAIN ACID!!!
    *hands over the whole bottle*

    Keep it. It's not like I get much use out of it.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  25. - Top - End - #175
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by esmerelder View Post
    My first attempt at writing something a bit longer. I hope nobody else has done this yet!

    Spoiler
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    Belkar is the first to wake up that morning. He sits straight up in his bedroll, opens his eyes, and closes them again. Then he puts his hands to his head and screams. The rest of the party tumble awake, in various states of confusion and dishevellment.

    ‘Whazzit? I’m up!’ Roy scrambles to his feet and casts around blindly. ‘Wheresword? Hey!’. He takes a step forward. Something feels odd, but he can’t quite work out what it is yet. ‘Who’s got my sword?’

    Haley’s eyes flick open, and she stretches her feet down to the ground in one easy, cat-like movement. ‘I’m awake. Elan, what are you yelling about? And who’s that screaming...’ her voice trails away into nothingness as she looks around her. ‘What the... the world, it's all... Guys, guys, what’s happened?’

    Elan jumps to his feet. ‘Haley? Who’s screaming?’ He stumbles. ‘Oof, Is it me, or is the ground a lot closer than it was yesterday?’

    ‘Sword. Sword! Guys, this isn’t funny, I can’t find my –’

    ‘In the name of all the infernal spirits, would someone care to inform me as to what sort of ridiculous foolishness has prompted this new chapter of idiocy come to discombobulate us all?!’

    Durkon is swaying in place, looking vaguely vertiginous. ‘Thor preserve us! This mus’ be some kinda evil trickery o’the Linear Guild, or...’ He trails off. On the other side of the clearing, the lass is still sitting up in her bedroll and screaming, so he walks around the embers of last night’s fire to comfort her.

    ‘Dinnae fret, Haley, love. Whatever’s goin’ on, we’ll get to the bottom of it, an –’ He is stunned as she reaches out to slap his hand away from her shoulder.

    ‘I’m not Haley, you stupid beard-faced moron!’ his team-mate snarls through beautiful cream-skinned features, the accent and tone of her voice completely altered. ‘It’s me, jerkass!’.

    Belkar?!?’

    This time, three or four people all start screaming at once as the reality of what has happened sets in. The person who now looks like Belkar is the first to recover, walking across the clearing with a measured glide that seems totally out-of-place on the halfling’s body. ‘Master Thundershield. I believe that I have arrived at a hypothesis as to our situation. I fear that we may have been the victims of some sort of appalling homebrewed polymorph spell.’

    ‘You mean - ?’ Roy, who has now been re-united with his sword, clutches it tightly and then pushes back the sheaf of thick blond hair that’s unexpectedly tumbled into his eyes with a twitch of horror.

    ‘I am afraid so. We have been... body-swapped.’

    ‘Righ’, righ’,’ Durkon fights down a rising tide of panic. He looks distractedly down at the hand he that he has just been using to try to comfort the person that he thought was Haley, and registers the size and the warm brown of the skin. ‘So I’m guessin’ I’ve been turned intae Roy then.’

    With a small shrug of defeat, Roy lowers his sword, which is now a little too heavy for him to hold en garde. ‘And I’m Elan. Great. ’

    V nods hir small, cropped-ginger head. ‘It appears you are correct. From the relative position of the ground to my eye level, as well as the fact that I appear to be clean-shaven and am not wearing armour, I would surmise that I am currently occupying the halfling’s body.’ Ze gives a small, involuntary shudder.

    ‘Yeah, and you’d better take good care of it, Ears, or I’ll – ’ A truly horrible smile spreads across Haley’s features. ‘And what do you know? I’m Haley, aren’t I? ’ He jumps to his feet. ‘Right, if you boys will excuse me, I’m just off to –’

    The person who looks like Durkon lurches across the clearing on legs that are suddenly far too shortfor him. ‘Belkar! Don’t you even think about doing anything horrible to Haley’s body, or I’ll, I’ll – ’

    Vaarsuvius is faster. With new reflexes, ze whips one of Belkar’s daggers from his belt, and buries the point an inch deep into hir new body’s left hand without flinching. Ze holds it up, dripping, to get the halfling’s attention. ‘Belkar. From now until the moment we achieve the undoing of this spell, you will remain within my direct line of sight at all times. If you fail to do this, or if any of us have any other reason to suspect you of any other untoward activity towards Miss Starshine’s body, I shall use this dagger to cut off one finger for every minute for which you are unaccountable. If you are absent for a sufficient amount of time that I should run out of fingers, I shall move on to...’ the elf’s gaze travels downwards ‘... other body parts’.

    ‘And ye needn’t think I’ll be healin’ ye, neither!’ Durkon’s glare, it turns out, is a lot more intimidating when it’s coming from a height of six foot six inches.

    ‘Thanks, V!’ Durkon’s face breaks into Elan’s disarmingly sunny grin. Then he looks around him. ‘Hey, hang on a minute. If I’m – ’ his hand travels up to his face and pats the beard, just to make sure – ‘if I’m Durkon, and Durkon’s Roy, and Belkar’s Haley, and V, you’re Belkar, and, and, I’m confused...’

    ‘I’m you,’ Roy puts in helpfully.

    ‘Right, and Roy’s me... where’s Haley?’

    They all turn at the same time. On far side of the clearing, a deeply disturbing sight meets their eyes. Sitting in a small patch of clover, pink eyes unfocused and vacant, giggling mindlessly and trying to pet a butterfly that’s landed on one outstretched hand, is the body of the ancient arcane mage Vaarsuvius.

    To be continued...
    OMG!!! That was awesome!!! Of coarse Belkar gets Haley's body.
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  26. - Top - End - #176
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    *hands over the whole bottle*

    Keep it. It's not like I get much use out of it.
    Thank you! *uses the whole bottle in one minute*

    Drat! It doesn't work any more!
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  27. - Top - End - #177
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Aaron View Post
    Of coarse Belkar gets Haley's body.
    Tell me: is that phrase the kind of thing normal people would find disturbing?
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  28. - Top - End - #178
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    The Succubus's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aaron View Post
    Thank you! *uses the whole bottle in one minute*

    Drat! It doesn't work any more!
    Allow me to re-state the unofficial motto of the Crack threads:

    "You read it. You can't un-read it. Ever."

  29. - Top - End - #179
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Tell me: is that phrase the kind of thing normal people would find disturbing?
    That depends... would normal people read these kind of Crack threads?

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    Allow me to re-state the unofficial motto of the Crack threads:

    "You read it. You can't un-read it. Ever."
    And yet we still stay here and read.
    Last edited by Aaron; 2009-11-03 at 03:55 PM.
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  30. - Top - End - #180

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    You can't un-read it.
    Do I hear the title of the next thread?
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

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