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  1. - Top - End - #541
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by RPGAgmJAY View Post
    Come on!!! No comments/critiques?!?!?!

    At least let me know if my story is par for these boards. If so I'll write more (and maybe improve?), if not I'll go back to lurking and enjoying your stories.

    For the record this was a roll of O'Chul and Erfworld Archon.
    How did I miss that the first time? It's great! The ending is particually amusing.

    Poor O-chul, stuck with only the MITD for company...
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  2. - Top - End - #542
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Against my better judgement, here's TsukikoxRedcloak.

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    Redcloak woke with a pounding headache and no clear memory of what had happened the previous night. There had been ale. LOTS of ale And-

    He groaned. Thinking hurt. He decided to get some coffee for his hingover, and got out of bed, nearly falling over Tsukiko.

    "What in all of the infernal planes are you in my private rooms for?" He demanded, prodding her awake.

    She yawned, and sat up, the sheet pulled up to her chin fell away revealing her nakedness. "Don't you remember, Reddy?"

    In a sudden nauseating wave, he remembered the events of the previous night. He screamed.


    ...And that is how I met your father.

  3. - Top - End - #543
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by CheeseMuncher View Post
    Against my better judgement, here's TsukikoxRedcloak.
    You forgot the bit where he runs out of her room and bumps into Xykon before realizing he himself is naked too.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-08-13 at 08:52 AM.
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  4. - Top - End - #544
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    OK, here it is, I hope you like it.
    I chose Page 520 as first scene, there Belkar throws Mr Scruffy into Tsuiko's face.

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    ...Belkar grabs into the sack and throws the cat at Tsuiko.
    But instead of clawing bleeding scratches in her soft face, the cat starts to purr and licks her cheeks.
    "That wasn't what I expected...", Belkar grumbles.
    "Cute cat", whispers Tsuiko, "I have an nice idea for you."
    With the power of her Fly-Spell Tsuiko manages to escape the scene, although Belkar throuhgs both his daggers.
    "DAMN IT!", the halfing shouts an starts tracking her.
    "Belkar!", exclaims Haley, "Stay here! These wights are really tough."
    "No! I have to rescue the Scruffynator!", he answers. And probably catch a glimpse under her skirt.
    The chase ends at an old pub in a sidestreet. Belkar waits several minutes listening at the door without hearing anything significant. With an loud shout the ranger barges into the taproom.
    When he is a little bit confused. The room is filled with illuminated candles, black rose petals and grubby sewn puppets of liches, vampires and other undeads. Behind the corner stands Tsuiko. Apparently tipsy with a half empty bottle of grog.
    "What do you want?", she yells, "Why are you here?"
    "What is this?", the halfling asks and looks around.
    "Just my hang-out", she babbles, "I come here to relax from the daily work or then Redcloaky is playing the big ruler again."
    Tsuiko walks to a small filthy sofa in one of the darkest corners where Mr Scruffy already lies gentle miaowing. She sits down and starts petting the cat.
    "You don't have to stand there", she chunters and takes several sips from the bottle, "Come and join us."
    "Alright", Belkar grins, Such a naughty girl!
    Without any further invitations he takes a seat on her thighs and leans against her chest. She has the right size, my ears are warm and comfy.
    "Oh, a really wild one?", Tsuiko whispers, "I think we'll get along well with each other."
    She bends forward to kiss Belkar's temple. The small guy seems to like it, so he turns his head to kiss her.
    After a while Tsuiko whispers an offer into Belkar's ear. The halfling nods immediately looking forward to it. Then she stands up and walks upstairs to the first level.
    Hmm... time to leave. For my taste she likes the undead too much.
    So Belkar and his loyal companion Mr Scruffy vanish into thin air leaving just a piece of paper:
    "It was nice with you but the Belkstar is a lone ranger who has to push along. You know riding into the sunset and so on. I hope the 'Join the villians' deal is not off the table.
    Your sexy shoeless god of war
    PS: Thanks for wearing a short skirt while flying. You've given me a lot to think about.
    I apologise to you for misspelling, using words incorrectly and breaking the rules of grammar. Please forgive me, English is not my native tongue.

  5. - Top - End - #545
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    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Lollie View Post
    OK, here it is, I hope you like it.
    I chose Page 520 as first scene, there Belkar throws Mr Scruffy into Tsuiko's face.
    Heh, nice. Just a tip though: using present sounds a bit odd because most most fiction is written in past tense. It's not grammatically wrong, it's just sounds unusual.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-08-13 at 09:28 AM.
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  6. - Top - End - #546
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    Imp

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    OK, I just thought present tense would make it more like a film/comic and less like a book.
    In Latin I have found this stylistic device often so I just transferred it. I try to remember this next time.

    By the way, were did you get this nice banner in your signature?
    Last edited by Lollie; 2009-08-13 at 09:36 AM.
    I apologise to you for misspelling, using words incorrectly and breaking the rules of grammar. Please forgive me, English is not my native tongue.

  7. - Top - End - #547
    Troll in the Playground
     
    WhiteWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I'm surprised this thread hasn't been moved to the Arts And Crafts forum.

  8. - Top - End - #548
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    I'm surprised this thread hasn't been moved to the Arts And Crafts forum.
    I'm glad it hasn't; I think we get more viewers having it on the main OOTS subforum.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lollie View Post
    By the way, were did you get this nice banner in your signature?
    I made it, along with the other banners for this thread. Feel free to use one of them if you want.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-08-13 at 10:30 AM.
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  9. - Top - End - #549
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Heh heh heh.
    Someone just rolled an interesting pairing.
    Why do I always get the bestiality?
    Shadowdancer x Windstriker
    Someone is a vampire

    I'm going to write this.
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  10. - Top - End - #550
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    Weimann's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Uh, I didn't mean to start a PM list right off the bat there :P

    In fact, it seems like most replies aren't in favour of such an action. I shall therefore endeavor to write it as clean as can be.

    Edit: Which isn't particularly clean, to clearify. But still.

    However, if there is sufficient interest, I could be convinced to write two versions. *nods*
    Last edited by Weimann; 2009-08-13 at 02:00 PM.
    Quoth the raven, "Polly wants a cracker."

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  11. - Top - End - #551
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I've made a decision. I'm only going to write romance, not actual sex. I'm only twelve, and I do have some moral standards, shocking as that may seem.

    In other news... All hail Zanaril, goddess of limes and squicky banners! *genuflects*
    Last edited by TheBibliophile; 2009-08-13 at 02:31 PM.
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
    Books are a mind-altering substance. Therefore, I am high all the time.
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  12. - Top - End - #552
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by TheBibliophile View Post
    I've made a decision. I'm only going to write romance, not actual sex. I'm only twelve, and I do have some moral standards, shocking as that may seem.
    But you could still write kissing.

    In other news... All hail Zanaril, goddess of limes and squicky banners! *genuflects*
    I think I have a Cleric!
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  13. - Top - End - #553
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    But you could still write kissing.
    Of course, that's part of romance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    I think I have a Cleric!
    I am at thine service, madam! What is your command?
    Last edited by TheBibliophile; 2009-08-13 at 02:55 PM.
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  14. - Top - End - #554
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    *joins the chaos*

    A three-way between Tsukiko, the Guy with a Halberd, and Female Leeky Windstaff...

    ...

    ...I can't even imagine a female Leeky Windstaff.

  15. - Top - End - #555
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Gah. Damn you, signature banners, for piquing my interest!

    I got MikoxWindstrider. Is that too tame?
    "I am the very model of a scientist Salarian,
    I've studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian,
    I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology)
    Because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology!
    My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian,
    I am the very model of a scientist Salarian!"


    Don't play League of Legends? Want to?

  16. - Top - End - #556
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I'm all for that.
    But seriously.
    Might as well call me the queen of Bestiality.
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  17. - Top - End - #557
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    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Nano View Post
    Gah. Damn you, signature banners, for piquing my interest!
    They work!

    I got MikoxWindstrider. Is that too tame?
    Nothing's too tame, and nothing's too squicky. Besides, that's probably canon.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-08-13 at 03:51 PM.
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  18. - Top - End - #558
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    Moofin Bard's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Tonight.
    Be ready for a crack overdose.
    Cuz I'm writing.
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  19. - Top - End - #559
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Have we had an oracle/belkar pairing yet?

    Gives new meaning to one of the Oracle's often quoted phrases...

    If you don't get it:

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    LICKMYORANGEBALLSHALFLING



    Yes, technically he didn't say that but meh.
    Last edited by 007; 2009-08-13 at 04:10 PM.

  20. - Top - End - #560

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Moofin Bard View Post
    Why do I always get the bestiality?
    I still like my CrystalxArgent fic.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  21. - Top - End - #561
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    More story!

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    After having taken a few steps away from the inn, Vaarsuvius stopped and sighed deeply, loosening clenched fists and raising one hand to run the fingers through purple hair. Haley was wrong. Haley had to be wrong.

    ...Right?

    The elf was no longer so certain. The main concern at the moment was finding Zz'dtri, because Vaarsuvius wouldn’t be able to bear it if he left in the meantime thinking he was unwanted. Which he well might.

    Vaarsuvius pondered where he could have gone. Back to the magic shop? He could have wandered along one of the footpaths into the surrounding forest, in which case it would be nearly impossible to find him unless he can back. Vaarsuvius looked around, at a complete loss at what to do.

    "He's in a small tavern on the third street on the right from here."

    Vaarsuvius jumped and spun around to see Haley standing there holding a half empty glass.

    "I thought you thoroughly disapproved of our relationship." The elf said coldly.

    "I do." Haley replied in a equally icy tone. "But I did say I'd tell you. And besides, if I don't you'll just run around worrying for the next few hours, and that won't help anyone." Haley turned to go back into the inn. "Just remember what I said. Don't make the wrong decision, V."

    The elf was already running off along the road.


    At the third street Vaarsuvius slowed down, looking around for the tavern. One door was open, a small sign propped up against the wall beside it. The elf went over and peered into the shade. "Zz'dtri?"

    A pair of silver eyes looked up. Their owner smiled weakly as the other elf walked over, pulled up a bar stool and sat beside him, elbows resting on the counter. Returning the smile, Vaarsuvius gently placed one hand over the one of his that wasn't clutching an empty glass. The drow's other hand then left the glass to take hold of V's, which the drow looked down at distractedly, stroking the palm with dark fingers. "Your friend came in here."

    "I know." V replied. "She didn't upset you did she?"

    Zz'dtri shook his head "I'm fine."

    Uncertain of what to say next V remained quiet, and for a few minutes they simply sat in a companionable silence, the only noise the occasional clink of glass on wood from other customers. Then unusually, Zz'dtri spoke first. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

    "Yes. Yes, I'd like that" Vaarsuvius replied, looking up to meet his eyes and smiling again. Then they stood and, still linking hands, headed out of the door.



    Ahh, now we're getting back to the fluff. Hang on for bit and I'll get some more written.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-08-13 at 05:09 PM.
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  22. - Top - End - #562
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    TheBibliophile's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Moofin Bard View Post
    Tonight.
    Be ready for a crack overdose.
    Cuz I'm writing.
    Booyah! *pretends to be Cyborg*

    What?
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
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  23. - Top - End - #563
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I'm always happy when you update your story, Zanaril.

    I wonder if Belkar will smell Zz'dtri's odor on V, though. May lead to unfortunate events.

    Quote Originally Posted by TheBibliophile View Post
    I've made a decision. I'm only going to write romance, not actual sex. I'm only twelve, and I do have some moral standards, shocking as that may seem.
    Moral standards? What's that?
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  24. - Top - End - #564
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Since NO-ONE said anything about my pairing when I posted it a couple of days ago (although Lira did put it in the compilation) I am posting it again and I want FEEDBACK this time!!!

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    “Try again!” Hinjo cried as he flicked the practice sword back to the panting wreck sprawled on the ground, “and hit me this time!”

    Rather than reaching for the sword, Hinjo’s opponent instead kneeled in front of him and bowed his head.

    “Lord, I yield. Your power and speed is too great for one such as I. My wit was slow and my tongue too quick when I insulted your leadership, please forgive me.”

    “Remember this and hold your tongue in future for next time we fight with blades of steel! Now get out of my sight.”

    His defeated opponent scurried off. His apology may have sounded sincere but in his mind this humiliation demanded only one thing, vengeance. However, he knew that he could not attack Hinjo head on; this sparring match had proved that. He needed another method...

    X x x

    “So you know what you are supposed to do?”

    “Kill Hinjo.”

    “Yes. He has just finished training so he should be in his quarters. To avoid suspicion from his guards and sneak in you should wear this maid’s outfit.”

    Zz’dtri looked at it for a moment then shrugged. As long as he was getting paid for this he would wear anything.

    x x x

    Letting himself into Hinjo’s quarters he looked around. The guards had been easily fooled by his outfit but now to the main show. Hearing water running in the other room he decided that his mark must be showering and so headed in that direction. Creeping into the bathing room, he was raising his hands in readiness to cast a spell that would turn Hinjo into a pile of dust to be washed down the drain when he saw the man he had been sent to kill. Standing under the cascade of water his body seemed to glow with the essence of masculinity. Maybe it was the outfit he was wearing but Zz’dtri had never felt this way before about anyone. he must have made some noise as Hinjo spun round startled and saw him standing there. Grabbing up his sword which was never far from his hand he knocked Zz’dtri backwards and stood over him sword raised (not a euphemism).

    “Drow! Have you come to kill me?”

    “Was, not now.”

    “Not now?” Hinjo asked confused.

    “Saw standing there, felt...things. Going to kill me?”

    Staring down at the submissive Drow in the french maid outfit Hijo felt his ardour rise. He’d always had a thing for lace.

    “Maybe there’s something else we can do.”
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  25. - Top - End - #565
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Alright *cracks knuckles* you guys and gals better get ready, because y'all about to get school'd. This is some real Pulitzer prize-winning stuff here.

    RoyxXykon
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    You are the only One for Me
    Roy had gotten angry at the other members of the OOtS.

    "They just don't understand" he said to himself. "i must defeat Xykon to prove myself to my father and prouve to myself that I am a good person" So he left them.

    Roy grapsed his father's sword and held it tightly. by the sword, he would defeat Xykon forever and save the world.

    Bodly going fourth, he went into Xykon's castle in order to defeat the evil lich Xykon.

    The first obstacle he faced is a bunch of goblins. thinking swiftly, Roy defeated them with his sword.

    The second obstacle was a horde of zombies. Roy cut off all their heads, but that didn't stop them because they were zombiees. So he took off a torch off of one of the walls and put the zombies on fire. Thiey burned to ashes.

    The third obstacle was a tarrasque. Roy fought corageously but the beast was too powerful. "No" Roy thought to himself "I can not be defeated this way at least not before I defeat Xykon." With a huge roar, he leapt on the tarrasque's back and drove the sword into the glowing weakpoint in the tarrasque's forehead. The tarrasque fell to the ground and the hole room shook.

    Roy cleaned off his sword with a rag. "Youll have to do better than that, monsters. Because I am a Fighter and a Greenhilt"

    Just then, a voice came out of the darkness. "Ohoho! You have braved my minions and even defeated a dreadful tarrasque but you have yet to face me!" Out of tthe shadows walked Xykon. "Xykon! Invinsible master of death and magic! Die mortal!"

    Xykon held up his hands and shot lighting out of them at Roy just like at the end of Star Wars.

    Roy dodges well but he is too slow. He is struck by the lighting and is illectrified.

    "No I can not be defeahted in this way" he said. He grabs onto his sword and starts to slowly pull himself up even though he is being lightinged.

    "How are you able to resist my magic" asks Xykon.

    "Because I need to prove my self to my father!" answered Roy.

    Xykon stops his lightninging. He looks said.

    "I too had a father. I wanted to prove myself to him but now he is dead and I cant. All of this i did for him" Xykon looks down sadly.

    "My father too is dead." says Roy.

    Just then, Roy realizes that instead of living for his father, he should live for himself. While he might respect his father, his life is his alone. The brief stint we spend in this mortal shell is too short to waste letting others live vicariously through our experiences.

    Roy tells Xykon what he realized. "You are right" says Xykon. "I know this now. How can I ever repay you?"

    Roy puts his hand on Xykon's shoulder. "By living your life out to the fullest" he says, gazing deeply into Xykon's vacant eye holes.

    "Are you sure there isn't any other way?" Xykon says coyly.

    Roy smiles. "Maybe there is another way."

    [Five paragraphs of poorly written sex and one horrific "bone" pun removed.]

    Xykon lightly holds Roy's hand as the embrace each other on the bed.

    "You may not be a wizard" Xykon says to Roy "but that was magical". And then they both laugh.

    Just then, someone was watching from the shadows.

    "He might be yours now, but someday Xykon will be mine!" says Hinjo.


    I think that this is my best fan fiction yet. Personally, I can't see how anybody could have missed the subtle homosexual undercurrent between Roy and Xykon. The Freudian archetypes are pretty obvious (the Greenhilt sword being a rather obvious phallic reference, Roy needing to live up to his father's expectations, etc).

    EDIT: Wow, as far as I can tell this really is the first RoyxXykon (or XykonxRoy) in this thread. Given that the "two enemies fall in love" is relatively common in crack pairings, I'm a bit surprised. That can't be right?
    Last edited by TooManySecrets; 2009-08-14 at 06:34 AM.
    Smart is knowing that Frankenstein wasn't the monster. / Wise is knowing that Frankenstein was the monster.

  26. - Top - End - #566

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by TooManySecrets View Post
    EDIT: Wow, as far as I can tell this really is the first RoyxXykon (or XykonxRoy) in this thread. Given that the "two enemies fall in love" is relatively common in crack pairings, I'm a bit surprised. That can't be right?
    That could be very right; we're too busy to conform to standards and do common stuff.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  27. - Top - End - #567
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    TheBibliophile's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by TooManySecrets View Post
    [Five paragraphs of poorly written sex and one horrific "bone" pun removed.]
    Actually, I always wondered about Xykon pairings. Because there is no bone in the penis, so logically Xykon wouldn't have a penis.
    Amazingly cool avatar by Mauve Shirt. May she ever be promoted and not demoted! *promotes*
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  28. - Top - End - #568
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    The third part of the Overpriced Apple GirlxThe Most Awesome Pickpockets In The ENTIRE WORLD! story.

    Chapter 3
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    "Goodbye... stranger." Those were the last words she said before she slammed the door shut and, judging by the sound of her steps in the stairway, left the building in quite a hurry.

    "Yeah, goodbye..." he muttered to no one in particular. He remained reclined for a while, his head full of impressions. Apple, huh? A cute code name she came up with. And how very convenient, he mused as he tossed the sheets aside. He wasn't a phychologist, but he was perceptive enough to realize that she, maybe subconsciously, maybe not, wanted to protect her normal person in some way. This wasn't... whatever her name might have been, let's say Mary. Mary was a good girl who ate her vegetables and went to church. Mary would certainly never be picked up at the corner of a shady alley in a crime-ridden suburb of Hell. That was all Apple's schtick. It just made things all the easier.

    He chuckled to himself at his amateur analysis of his one-time partner, then slowly rose and sauntered over to the door to lock it after her. He might be completely wrong, of course. He didn't know her, maybe she did this kind of stuff all the time. He didn't care much, however. The important thing was that the plan had suceeded, as he noticed it had when he glanced down at the corner where he had put the sack. It wasn't there, and since she had practically ran down the stairs...

    "Come out, come out, wherever you are..." he turned around and called to the apartment in general. Within a few moments, a second character emerged from the the bedrom doorway. She was dressed in a set of underwear that clung loosely to her hips and midriff. Her red hair was made up in a ponytail that reached down between her shoulder blades, her limbs were elegant, firm and agile, and her smile was alight with an almost childlike glee.

    "Victory is ours," she giggled, putting the sack down with a dull thud and almost dancing over into his arms. Her ponytail swirled as she made a pirouette and landed in his embrace, her face still radiating with the high of sucess, but also he was pleased to notice, displaying signs of another kind of arousal. She smiled wickedly, parting her lipas and whispering hotly, "Let me taste..."

    Without speaking, he pulled her tight up against him, his hands splayed over her back and his lips meeting hers in a passionate union. He could feel her tongue wrestle his, her mouth drinking his with an unneglectable need. He closed his eyes and concentrated solely on her. Her taste. Her soft lips that needfully suckled his. Her hot, delectable skin that just begged to be methodically covered in kisses. It was love, he knew.

    "She tasted sweet," she mumbled when she finally pulled away, her cheeks quite flustered and a wet sheen still remaining on her lips.

    "She called herself Apple," he replied with a light pant on his breath. "I suppose she would be tasty. We should probably make ourselves scarce," he commented with a swift look at the door.

    "That's so unfair," she pouted, but untangled herself and went into the bedroom to get dressed. It almost hurt physically to feel her slip away, but they both knew how stupid it would be to remain on the scene of the crime for long. He went and collected his clothes, all except for...

    "Hey, have you seen my undies?" he called to her from the living room.

    "I think you tossed them over one of the chairs when you were about to stick it in her..."

    "Yeah, but they're not here now," he interjected blushingly. Had she followed them around? She really was great at hiding, wasn't she? He searched around on the floor for a bit, but was interrupted by her voice from the doorway. She had dressed in her usual, practical brown linen getup, the only admission to her beauty a low cut on the shirt, and kneehigh brown boots, and was now leaning on the doorpost, a smile on her her lips that betrayed her amusement at seing him crawl before her in the buff.

    "I wish you'd do that more," she commented with a glint in her eyes.

    "I'm happy to entertain," he replied dryly, "but there's a time and a place for that. Would you check the kitchen please?" He lifted a potted plant, just to be sure.

    "That time would be now baby..." She licked her lips in a way that, in his undressed state, had quite severe consequences. "...but yeah, the place is too hot. Legally speaking," she clearified with a wink as she left for the kitchen. He had to stand up and think about garbage disposal for a while in order to not go completely insane. Soon, he told himself. As soon as they got to their other safe house. "They aren't here either," she reported. "Just get your pants on and let's go. Saves time for me anyway."

    "I don't have any other clean ones," he called back back to her. "Just give me five minutes."

    "That's an eternity."

    "Come on in and help me then." Yeah, it was a a lot of fuss over a pair of undergarments, but he liked those shorts. They were comfy and easy to wear. Besides, Apple had seemed quite preoccupied when she left. Hopefully she'd remain so for a while longer.

    "You are such a ditz," she lamented as she came back into the living room and started the search for the wayward woolies under a heavy oaken table.

    "I was, as I bet you witnessed yourself, kind of busy. The coordinates of my clothes weren't the most pressing point of interest."

    "I bet you pressed ALL her points of interest," she replied with a sultry giggle. "So... how was she?"

    He had never really understood this kink of hers, not fully. He knew that he, himself, would go crazy if he found her in bed with someone else. She however, seemed to get a kick out of watching him. She had attested it herself, and it was she who had suggested their current modus operandi. She liked to see him tumble around with others, taste a different woman's on his lips. She had called it... spice.

    Which meant that this conversation could become dangerous. Still, he replied.

    "She was a bit better endowed than you," he replied, peeking under the carpet. "Fuller, so to speak. She was soft to hold, it felt like..." He stopped to consider. "...hot jelly to rub her." He climbed into the couch and looking behind the pillows. "She had a really strong musculature in her..." he continued, but was interrupted by a hand on his back. Startled, but not really surprised, he turned around and almost recoiled at the sight. She had removed her shirt, tossed her bra and was now towering over him with a look that was almost feral in its arousal.

    "Go on," she demanded, crawling up in the couch and slowly climbing atop him. He couldn't tear his gaze from her. She was... so beautiful.

    "She made a little squealing noise when.... mmmpph!" She silenced him with a kiss, as deep as before.

    "I can feel her on your lips still..." she whispered, her hands stroking his bare chest.

    "T-Take her away..." he panted, all thoughts about leaving, or indeed getting dressed, immediately banished. If she had a strange kink in watching him sleeping with others, he wasn't much better. There was something he loved above all else in the world, and that was to feel his own read-headed angel replace all impressions of the outside reality. Feel her smell, taste, weight, heat overwhelm him until his senses were cleansed and he could think, breathe, live only through her, his one love.

    He felt her slide over him, like the unrelenting tide she drowned him, filled his every nerve with the essence of her presence. She kissed him again, her cheeks blushing almost the same red as her hair.

    "Let's take a ten minute break," she breathed into his open mouth. He agreed.

    I still think it would have been better if I could go explicit. The last part feels forced. It did come out better than I imagined, though.

    Also, it's a pain not having names for your characters :/

    Any comments on it (and the previous parts) are highly appreciated, be they positive or negative. In particular, I'm afraid I use way to long sentences at times. Does that show?
    Last edited by Weimann; 2009-08-14 at 07:43 AM.
    Quoth the raven, "Polly wants a cracker."

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  29. - Top - End - #569
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Taekwondodo
    Since NO-ONE said anything about my pairing when I posted it a couple of days ago (although Lira did put it in the compilation) I am posting it again and I want FEEDBACK this time!!!

    Spoiler
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    “Try again!” Hinjo cried as he flicked the practice sword back to the panting wreck sprawled on the ground, “and hit me this time!”

    Rather than reaching for the sword, Hinjo’s opponent instead kneeled in front of him and bowed his head.

    “Lord, I yield. Your power and speed is too great for one such as I. My wit was slow and my tongue too quick when I insulted your leadership, please forgive me.”

    “Remember this and hold your tongue in future for next time we fight with blades of steel! Now get out of my sight.”



    His defeated opponent scurried off. His apology may have sounded sincere but in his mind this humiliation demanded only one thing, vengeance. However, he knew that he could not attack Hinjo head on; this sparring match had proved that. He needed another method...

    X x x

    “So you know what you are supposed to do?”

    “Kill Hinjo.”

    “Yes. He has just finished training so he should be in his quarters. To avoid suspicion from his guards and sneak in you should wear this maid’s outfit.”

    Zz’dtri looked at it for a moment then shrugged. As long as he was getting paid for this he would wear anything.

    x x x

    Letting himself into Hinjo’s quarters he looked around. The guards had been easily fooled by his outfit but now to the main show. Hearing water running in the other room he decided that his mark must be showering and so headed in that direction. Creeping into the bathing room, he was raising his hands in readiness to cast a spell that would turn Hinjo into a pile of dust to be washed down the drain when he saw the man he had been sent to kill. Standing under the cascade of water his body seemed to glow with the essence of masculinity. Maybe it was the outfit he was wearing but Zz’dtri had never felt this way before about anyone. he must have made some noise as Hinjo spun round startled and saw him standing there. Grabbing up his sword which was never far from his hand he knocked Zz’dtri backwards and stood over him sword raised (not a euphemism).

    “Drow! Have you come to kill me?”

    “Was, not now.”

    “Not now?” Hinjo asked confused.

    “Saw standing there, felt...things. Going to kill me?”

    Staring down at the submissive Drow in the french maid outfit Hijo felt his ardour rise. He’d always had a thing for lace.

    “Maybe there’s something else we can do.”
    This was well written, I must say. Defiantely descriptive and fluent. I have problems giving it more critique, because it's... er, so cracky >.> which is the point to be sure, but it still makes it hard to give real feedback. At least for me :P

    But it was one of the more compelling homoerotic ones in the thread, for sure.
    Quote Originally Posted by TooManySecrets
    Alright *cracks knuckles* you guys and gals better get ready, because y'all about to get school'd. This is some real Pulitzer prize-winning stuff here.

    RoyxXykon
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    You are the only One for Me
    Roy had gotten angry at the other members of the OOtS.

    "They just don't understand" he said to himself. "i must defeat Xykon to prove myself to my father and prouve to myself that I am a good person" So he left them.

    Roy grapsed his father's sword and held it tightly. by the sword, he would defeat Xykon forever and save the world.

    Bodly going fourth, he went into Xykon's castle in order to defeat the evil lich Xykon.

    The first obstacle he faced is a bunch of goblins. thinking swiftly, Roy defeated them with his sword.

    The second obstacle was a horde of zombies. Roy cut off all their heads, but that didn't stop them because they were zombiees. So he took off a torch off of one of the walls and put the zombies on fire. Thiey burned to ashes.

    The third obstacle was a tarrasque. Roy fought corageously but the beast was too powerful. "No" Roy thought to himself "I can not be defeated this way at least not before I defeat Xykon." With a huge roar, he leapt on the tarrasque's back and drove the sword into the glowing weakpoint in the tarrasque's forehead. The tarrasque fell to the ground and the hole room shook.

    Roy cleaned off his sword with a rag. "Youll have to do better than that, monsters. Because I am a Fighter and a Greenhilt"

    Just then, a voice came out of the darkness. "Ohoho! You have braved my minions and even defeated a dreadful tarrasque but you have yet to face me!" Out of tthe shadows walked Xykon. "Xykon! Invinsible master of death and magic! Die mortal!"

    Xykon held up his hands and shot lighting out of them at Roy just like at the end of Star Wars.

    Roy dodges well but he is too slow. He is struck by the lighting and is illectrified.

    "No I can not be defeahted in this way" he said. He grabs onto his sword and starts to slowly pull himself up even though he is being lightinged.

    "How are you able to resist my magic" asks Xykon.

    "Because I need to prove my self to my father!" answered Roy.

    Xykon stops his lightninging. He looks said.

    "I too had a father. I wanted to prove myself to him but now he is dead and I cant. All of this i did for him" Xykon looks down sadly.

    "My father too is dead." says Roy.

    Just then, Roy realizes that instead of living for his father, he should live for himself. While he might respect his father, his life is his alone. The brief stint we spend in this mortal shell is too short to waste letting others live vicariously through our experiences.

    Roy tells Xykon what he realized. "You are right" says Xykon. "I know this now. How can I ever repay you?"

    Roy puts his hand on Xykon's shoulder. "By living your life out to the fullest" he says, gazing deeply into Xykon's vacant eye holes.

    "Are you sure there isn't any other way?" Xykon says coyly.

    Roy smiles. "Maybe there is another way."

    [Five paragraphs of poorly written sex and one horrific "bone" pun removed.]

    Xykon lightly holds Roy's hand as the embrace each other on the bed.

    "You may not be a wizard" Xykon says to Roy "but that was magical". And then they both laugh.

    Just then, someone was watching from the shadows.

    "He might be yours now, but someday Xykon will be mine!" says Hinjo.


    I think that this is my best fan fiction yet. Personally, I can't see how anybody could have missed the subtle homosexual undercurrent between Roy and Xykon. The Freudian archetypes are pretty obvious (the Greenhilt sword being a rather obvious phallic reference, Roy needing to live up to his father's expectations, etc).

    EDIT: Wow, as far as I can tell this really is the first RoyxXykon (or XykonxRoy) in this thread. Given that the "two enemies fall in love" is relatively common in crack pairings, I'm a bit surprised. That can't be right?
    This one was obviously written for the lulz, which is achieved to evoke :P I particularly liked
    Quote Originally Posted by TooManySecrets
    The first obstacle he faced is a bunch of goblins. thinking swiftly, Roy defeated them with his sword.
    That's so smart!
    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril
    More story!

    Spoiler
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    After having taken a few steps away from the inn, Vaarsuvius stopped and sighed deeply, loosening clenched fists and raising one hand to run the fingers through purple hair. Haley was wrong. Haley had to be wrong.

    ...Right?

    The elf was no longer so certain. The main concern at the moment was finding Zz'dtri, because Vaarsuvius wouldn’t be able to bear it if he left in the meantime thinking he was unwanted. Which he well might.

    Vaarsuvius pondered where he could have gone. Back to the magic shop? He could have wandered along one of the footpaths into the surrounding forest, in which case it would be nearly impossible to find him unless he can back. Vaarsuvius looked around, at a complete loss at what to do.

    "He's in a small tavern on the third street on the right from here."

    Vaarsuvius jumped and spun around to see Haley standing there holding a half empty glass.

    "I thought you thoroughly disapproved of our relationship." The elf said coldly.

    "I do." Haley replied in a equally icy tone. "But I did say I'd tell you. And besides, if I don't you'll just run around worrying for the next few hours, and that won't help anyone." Haley turned to go back into the inn. "Just remember what I said. Don't make the wrong decision, V."

    The elf was already running off along the road.


    At the third street Vaarsuvius slowed down, looking around for the tavern. One door was open, a small sign propped up against the wall beside it. The elf went over and peered into the shade. "Zz'dtri?"

    A pair of silver eyes looked up. Their owner smiled weakly as the other elf walked over, pulled up a bar stool and sat beside him, elbows resting on the counter. Returning the smile, Vaarsuvius gently placed one hand over the one of his that wasn't clutching an empty glass. The drow's other hand then left the glass to take hold of V's, which the drow looked down at distractedly, stroking the palm with dark fingers. "Your friend came in here."

    "I know." V replied. "She didn't upset you did she?"

    Zz'dtri shook his head "I'm fine."

    Uncertain of what to say next V remained quiet, and for a few minutes they simply sat in a companionable silence, the only noise the occasional clink of glass on wood from other customers. Then unusually, Zz'dtri spoke first. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

    "Yes. Yes, I'd like that" Vaarsuvius replied, looking up to meet his eyes and smiling again. Then they stood and, still linking hands, headed out of the door.



    Ahh, now we're getting back to the fluff. Hang on for bit and I'll get some more written.
    The plot thickens! Or frankly, probably thins out. Anyway, moar!
    Last edited by Weimann; 2009-08-14 at 07:21 AM.
    Quoth the raven, "Polly wants a cracker."

    Pony avatar by the Great and Powerful DirtyTabs. Lotsa hugs!

    Scourge Caste avatar by the illustrious Akrim.elf. Thank you!

  30. - Top - End - #570
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    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    I'm always happy when you update your story, Zanaril.
    And I eagerly await the next update on yours.

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    I wonder if Belkar will smell Zz'dtri's odor on V, though. May lead to unfortunate events.
    I'd forgotten about Belkar's keen nose. Not that it will prove a problem since the two of them are bound to run into someone else first.


    Quote Originally Posted by TooManySecrets View Post
    Alright *cracks knuckles* you guys and gals better get ready, because y'all about to get school'd. This is some real Pulitzer prize-winning stuff here.

    RoyxXykon

    I think that this is my best fan fiction yet. Personally, I can't see how anybody could have missed the subtle homosexual undercurrent between Roy and Xykon. The Freudian archetypes are pretty obvious (the Greenhilt sword being a rather obvious phallic reference, Roy needing to live up to his father's expectations, etc).
    Thank you for putting the crack back in crack pairing.

    EDIT: Wow, as far as I can tell this really is the first RoyxXykon (or XykonxRoy) in this thread. Given that the "two enemies fall in love" is relatively common in crack pairings, I'm a bit surprised. That can't be right?
    Quote Originally Posted by TheBibliophile View Post
    Because there is no bone in the penis, so logically Xykon wouldn't have a penis.
    This is probably why people don't write Xykon crack fics that much. It strains your imagination.

    Also Roy is kinda boring.

    Quote Originally Posted by Weimann View Post
    The third part of the Overpriced Apple GirlxThe Most Awesome Pickpockets In The ENTIRE WORLD! story.
    ...that was hawt


    The plot thickens! Or frankly, probably thins out. Anyway, moar!
    Yea, it's admittedly going to wind down somewhat, since I'm getting to the end of this story/chapter. I'm also going to be focusing on someone else next while V and company are busy travelling to Ivyleaf.

    No prizes for guessing who.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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