New OOTS products from CafePress
New OOTS t-shirts, ornaments, mugs, bags, and more
Page 26 of 49 FirstFirst ... 161718192021222324252627282930313233343536 ... LastLast
Results 751 to 780 of 1454
  1. - Top - End - #751
    Barbarian in the Playground
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Large Midwestern City
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table


    I can't write for squat (which is Ok I guess, since Belkar says it's worthless), so here's my contribution. I can upload it without my oh-so-subtle catchphrase next to the umbrella. Cheers, and thanks for preventing me from sleeping for the past few nights!
    !

  2. - Top - End - #752
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    you might be an assassin!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    i wish to revise my earlier spoiler. V was pregnant not her mate. i still stand by V being a girl. only a girl wizard could be that uptight. shes only slightly less uptight than a girl paladin. once you take a level of paladin the pole up your ass grows there over time. your saracasm sense chacks also take a massive penalty. all in all, the most wound up creature you would never want around. if you have not figured it out by now i am referencing Miko. Lady needs to get laid, big time. i think everyone out there in internet land agrees with me. hopefully she will stop at the Bar of Infinite One Night Stands while in the afterlife. or she will just keep climbing util she reaches the top of the mountain. probably keep climbing. she will be determined to figure out the plan the gods really had for and will be surprised when she finds out the gods dont control every little detail of the world! she'll probably faint. then she'll come down to the Bar of Infinite One Night Stands. either way, same ending. i really should shut up now i've been known to ramble.

    click this egg or all dragons will die!

    __________________
    I Am A
    Spoiler
    Show
    True Neutral Human Druid/Wizard (1st/1st Level)


    Ability Scores:
    Strength- 10
    Dexterity- 10
    Constitution- 11
    Intelligence- 13
    Wisdom- 11
    Charisma- 10


  3. - Top - End - #753
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    The Neoclassic's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Northeast USA
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    leads to

    Also, Ted: Your picture made me giggle. Excellent.
    Last edited by The Neoclassic; 2009-08-22 at 09:27 PM.

  4. - Top - End - #754
    Barbarian in the Playground
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Large Midwestern City
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Thanks.
    BTW, how did you make the colours on the IFCC demon robes that accurate? I tried for 10 minutes and still kinda failed.
    !

  5. - Top - End - #755
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    The Neoclassic's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Northeast USA
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Ted The Bug View Post
    Thanks.
    BTW, how did you make the colours on the IFCC demon robes that accurate? I tried for 10 minutes and still kinda failed.
    The eyedropper tool and a little bit of luck. Occasionally I use the eyedropper and the color still looks oddly off, but this time it worked well.

  6. - Top - End - #756
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Among the spiders
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I'm finished with the first chapter of the V/Redcloak thing. Any comments, criticisms (especially criticisms!), or compliments are greatly appreciated. I'm going to try to make this go slow and put a build-up there--I really suck at that (and romance in general) so I'd like to practice. How'd I do?

    Spoiler
    Show
    Redcloak scowled to himself, touching the patch over his empty eye socket gingerly, glaring as Xykon stormed out of the room. Tsukiko yawned, smirking at him, and shrugged.

    “Tough break, huh?”

    Redcloak sneered and glanced up at the holes in the ceiling and wall, inwardly cursing the undoubtedly monstrous price they’d have to pay to get them fixed. A little voice sounding painfully familiar was cursing his lost eye as well. He’d never be able to look himself in the eye in the mirror anymore.

    “Be glad that I convinced him to not kill our two only sources of information on the gates.” He looked down at the two pathetic mounds in the separate cages up against the wall, tusks bared in disgust.

    “Why’d I be glad about that? You’re the only one who cares about information!”

    “Because I’m apparently the only one with common sense. Get out.”

    Tsukiko yawned, smirking. “Don’t mind if I do, Left-Eye.” She spun and walked out.

    She couldn’t have known that her new nickname was far more than a mean-spirited jab. She couldn’t have known that she had not only touched a nerve, but had stabbed it with a hundred knives before casting lightning on it. She couldn’t have known what it did to Redcloak.

    She couldn’t have known, and Redcloak had no intention of letting her know. He slammed his reaction back down his own throat, staying stiff, his esophagus closing up, and his already-low body temperature dropping a few degrees.

    The elf then made the unwise move to uncurl very slightly from his-her-its fetal position.

    “Neither of us is going to provide you information,” the mage murmured.

    Redcloak spun around, glaring and eagerly jumping on the opportunity to take his fury at Xykon, Tsukiko, the world, and most of all himself out on someone. A stupid, arrogant, morally flippant elf would do the trick.

    “We’ll see about that.”

    The paladin stood up shakily in his cage, having to grip the bars for support, and growled. “Have you no honor?! He isn’t even a part of the Sapphire Guard! Take me—at least there is a chance I know about the gates!”

    “I hate self-righteous humans. You think you’re so much better because you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for some elf that’s probably evil anyway?” Redcloak sneered. “I bet you wouldn’t do the same if it was a goblin.”

    The elf was pathetic. Too weak to even walk on its own. (And Redcloak really did mean ‘it’—it wasn’t supposed to be some dehumanizing title. What gender was it supposed to be anyway?!) It tried to stand up, but it failed miserably, knees buckling under the very slight weight put on them. Redcloak grudgingly admitted to himself that he’d have to take it easy on the torture if he didn’t heal the mage. It looked half-dead already, complete with malnourishment, dehydration, and exhaustion, not counting the hits it took from Xykon. Redcloak, even in his own private rage, couldn’t stop a flicker of pity in his heart.

    But pity wasn’t going to deprive him of his outlet for frustration.

    “Come on. We’re going to have a chat about the elves and their plans. Maybe we’ll throw in a bit about the gates.”

    The monster in the dark cage’s gold eyes peered out. “Awww… he looks so hurt…”

    “Please—”

    “I… can handle… pain.”

    The elf had cut off the paladin, shocking even Redcloak. Huh. So the mage’s pride, despite the horrible treatment of its body, was still strong enough to turn down other people’s pity-driven attempts to sacrifice themselves so that it may heal. Either that or it had some weird masochism thing going on and felt that it deserved the pain.

    Redcloak found himself relating to both a little too much.

    The elf glanced up at the paladin, looking thoroughly broken and steeled at the same time. “Try to heal.”

    “I bet you both feel so noble.” Redcloak rolled his eye. “Just like mammals. Always doing stuff that they think makes them look all righteous to their fellows, but they don’t care when they rip apart honest goblin families.” He opened the cage, picking up the elf easily as one would pick up a baby. The elf was dangerously light, even for its species. Redcloak would need to fix that if he had any hope of getting information out of the pathetic little creature in his arms.

    The elf squirmed weakly, obviously trying to prove that it could walk and stand on its own but failing. It couldn’t even make it harder for Redcloak to carry it. The little thing was so fragile and beaten that it felt like a life-sized rag doll.

    Redcloak sighed. “Looks like I’m going to have to heal you before I try any interrogation.”

    Obviously understanding that interrogation = inhumane torture through experience, the paladin started to throw himself against the bars, shouting things that Redcloak didn’t care enough to even try to comprehend. The elf seemed to give up entirely, just lying limp in scaly arms that it had probably never felt before. Royal purple hair was tangled and ragged. Violet eyes, something that Redcloak had the vague impression of having used to glow with fierce pride and strength, were dull and distant. Skin, usually pale just because of race, was pallid with a gray tinge and gray and purple veins showing under the surface. Bruises the shape of finger bones were very pronounced on a delicate neck, a similar bruise surrounding one of its eyes, and bleeding cuts, scratches, and bruises covered various parts of the elf’s body. Redcloak had a feeling that the elf was nursing a broken bone, judging by the way it was holding its right arm very carefully and was making sure it wasn’t jostled in any way.

    Redcloak couldn’t really make himself feel sympathetic or guilty in any way. He had just lost his eye. The stupid mammal could deal with a broken arm.

    Completely ignoring the paladin’s protests, he carried the limp rag doll out of the throne room, climbing up the stairs. His clawed toes scraped and tapped against the stone, putting little scratches in the softer material, and the claws on his hands dug slightly into the elf’s skin—not so much as to draw blood, but enough to discourage too much struggle. It wasn’t as if Redcloak felt as though he had much to worry about. The elf obviously had all the fight forcefully ripped out of it. It was kind of sad in its own wretched way.

    “I can’t tell you anything,” the elf suddenly murmured softly, voice hoarse from the screaming and strangling that had occurred mere minutes before. “I acted alone.”

    “Yeah, well I’m pretty sure you know something about the gates. You look sort of familiar.”

    “I know nothing about them either. Nothing that you would be interested in, at least.”

    “We’ll see about that.”

    The stairs were spiraling, giving a really dizzy feeling in Redcloak’s head, and the stones that created the wall, staircase, and railing all meshed together in the vision of the only eye he had left. Was this how his brother had felt?

    No. He couldn’t think of his brother. He would drop to his knees and cry, regardless of whether or not anyone else was there.

    In his experience, it was generally pretty embarrassing for both parties if the interrogator randomly started to cry and blubber about a dead family member and the prisoner was stuck with the extremely awkward roll of patting the interrogator’s back and saying some crap about how everything would be okay.

    He paused, swiveling his head to compensate for his lost eye, and spotted a door fixed in the wall, a gold ring the only handle there was. He pulled at the ring, completely unconcerned with the fact that he had one less hand holding the prisoner for a moment, and pulled the door open.



    Why was everything in this city blue?

    Redcloak carried the elf into what looked like an old watch guard’s quarters. There was a simple but comfortable bed against the wall under a window covered with iron grating overlooking the purple glow of the Snarl, a desk covered with half-read books and a half-used candle and with a chair pushed against it, and a door leading to a bathroom. Very simple. Very common. Very blue.

    He put the elf on the bed with a little more care than he really wanted to and checked the books on the desk to make sure that none of them were spell books. All of them were silly human pulp fiction. He had nothing to be worried about, except for maybe the slow rotting of his brain cells just because he had glanced at the things.

    “Why did you bring me here?”

    The elf tried to sit up on the bed, but apparently, it was too weak to do even that. Its elbow buckled under the weight of its torso and flopped back on to the bed with a stifled cry of pain.

    “I need to heal you a little before I get rough. I’m not going to argue with Xykon to keep our sources of information just to kill one a minute later,” Redcloak grumbled, pulling the chair from the desk and sitting next to the bed. “By the looks of things, not even healing’s going to get you in shape for it. It looks like I have a few days of this stuff ahead. Seriously, have you eaten or tranced at all for the last month?”

    The elf was quiet, lightly cradling its right arm and avoiding eye contact.

    “Elves are idiots.” Redcloak carefully placed a hand on the elf’s shoulder. “Heal moderate wounds.”

    The broken arm mostly fixed itself. It’d probably be tender for a few days, but at least the elf wouldn’t be cradling it all the time and trying to keep from crying when it moved. There was a weird cracking sound inside the elf’s ribcage, and Redcloak decided to interpret that as a positive thing.

    The elf tried to stifle a moan of pain, trembling hands going up to hold a hurting chest. Redcloak paused for a moment, frowning, and slowly reached out a clawed hand to cup the elf’s sharp chin, making its face turn slightly, digging nails into the skin until tiny beads of blood started to gather.

    Left-Eye.

    Goodbye… Redcloak.

    Right-Eye shouldn’t have died. Neither should have his family. What horrible things had this elf done in its life, minus accepting a soul splice? Had it ripped apart families and killed children and destroyed homes just because the species of the victims were supposedly always evil and therefore it was okay to hurt them? Had it appreciated the privileges the life of an elf—a supposedly always good species—gave it? Had it ever had to go through true suffering, the kind that only came with the knowledge that its family was dead or dying and there was nothing it could do?

    “Let go of me.”

    The voice was somehow stronger than before, though still drained. The healing had probably kicked in a little.

    Redcloak vowed to make this elf suffer the way his brother and family had to.

    He let go of the elf’s face, making sure to drag his claws a little deeper in than necessary, and glared. The elf seemed to find the strength to glare back.

    “I’m going to put up some protections on this room and leave. You won’t be able to escape, and you won’t bother trying to. If you do, I’ll tie you to the bed and let Xykon and Tsukiko do whatever they want. You’re going to trance whenever possible. If you refuse, I’ll start ripping off your or the paladin’s fingers, whichever works best. Food will be brought up, and you will eat it. If you refuse, I’ll force-feed you personally. I’m going to heal you until you are at least moderately healthy. If you try to resist, I’ll throw a slave into the Snarl. Once you’re physically capable of handling more than a shove in the wrong direction, you’ll be interrogated mercilessly about the elves and the gates. I don’t think I need to go into detail about what happens if you don’t tell us what we want to know.”

    The elf was still glaring, fists clenched weakly.

    “Let’s see how long you’ll be able to keep even that little defiance up.”

    With that, Redcloak left the room, closing the door and leaving it black.
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-08-23 at 12:55 AM.

    Spoiler
    Show

    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  7. - Top - End - #757
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Cracklord's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Very nice. Very nice indeed.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  8. - Top - End - #758
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Lira's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Water-Smurf, that was amazing. I'm so glad you've joined the forums and decided to contribute to this thread; you're a really excellent writer. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I don't really have any criticisms at the moment, but I'm definitely going to read through that a couple more times tomorrow and see if I can say anything constructive.



    And now, I'm off to update the compilation posts! I clearly didn't post enough of them; they're all going to be full soon (not that I'm complaining; keep writing people! :P). But if anyone has any advice for somewhere we could store the compilation instead of a post (so we don't have to worry about that pesky 50000 maximum characters thing), then I'd appreciate that.
    Credits to half-halfling for my adorable avatar.

    ...............................................

    Come visit the Discussion Thread Index II.
    Looking for a new webcomic to read? Take a look at the Webcomic List.

  9. - Top - End - #759
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Cracklord's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Downloadable PDF File? Or evenone you keep on your desktop and send by request?
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  10. - Top - End - #760
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Dr.Gunsforhands's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Okay, I was about to roll on the table for my own amusement, having no intention of writing anything. Alas, while I was on the first page I spotted somebody refusing to do a Roy/Belkar one, and my brain immediately started scripting out an entertaining explanation and its result.

    Enjoy!

    Spoiler
    Show
    The thing is split up into little episodes of varying length, and I think that I managed to get it such that any one of them could be considered complete enough make about as much sense as any of these crack pairing bits. You can read them all in order, take them each separately over time, or just pick one at random and move on with your busy day, and it should still work pretty decently. 'Should' being the operative word.

    1: The intro. Maybe a bit creepy, especially if taken alone.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Woo-hoo! Belkar gets to be in another crack pairing!”

    Carrying a large box labeled 'fetish' in front of him, our favorite halfling pushes through the door into what appears to be a featureless, beige room.

    “Alright, baby, let's get cracking!” Belkar says as he puts down the box and reaches inside, producing a montage of skimpy, feminine 'outfits.' “Take your pick! I've got your standard Elvish Chainmail, the T-shirt of Wetness, a Cellophane Spacesuit...”

    Belkar looks up to see what sort of curves he has to work with, only to see a fully-clothed Roy standing in front of him. He stares, wide-eyed, bewildered and speechless.

    “Hmm, I think I might have to go with the bright red studded leather bikini,” Roy teases.

    2: Revolves around a pretty formulaic joke. Much less creepy.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Belkar throws his arms up in the air, striding past Roy. “Aw, hell no! This is NOT happening! The Belkster don't swing that way!”

    “Yeah, well, I'm not exactly chomping at the bit, either,” says Roy.

    “Man, that's it! They've gone too far! I'm gonna hunt down whoever made that random relationship table and rip their - ”

    “Oh, cool it. Now listen, I've talked to Elan on the subject-”

    “Yeah, I bet you have, if you know what I mean,” Belkar adds instinctively.

    “...and he says that these exercises aren't all about spiked brassieres and character derailment. Apparently, slash-fic is a pretty wide umbrella, and I think that if we come to some mutual understanding that leads to a greater bond of friendship between us, it would be enough to qualify.”

    They both fall silent. A vague, muffled cheer can be heard outside, followed by a groan. Perhaps another pairing has been announced in the lobby. More silence.

    “Pfft!” Belkar bursts, and both smile and laugh.

    “Aw, man,” Belkar says, wiping a tear from his eye. “You had me going there for a minute!”

    “Heh, alright. Let's go see what the Random Event Table has to say.”

    3: A longer one, with a few gaming jokes and a small existential crisis.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Roy and Belkar proceed to a wooden table, on which is engraved a short list of messed-up plot devices. A large, twenty-sided die sits atop the furniture piece.

    “What's this malarkey?” Belkar asks.

    “The Random Event Table. It's a way that this thread can determine what direction a pairing goes in. It's still bound to be disgusting, but at least it'll give us something to go on, and there's a chance that it will give us a way out of the situation entirely.”

    “Well, what are we waiting for, then? Roll it already!”

    Roy picks up the die and stares into it for a moment. He then sighs, grits his teeth, closes his eyes and gently tosses it onto the table. After the distinctive rattling has halted, he braces himself and looks sideways at the result, one squinting eye open.

    The die shows a two.

    Suddenly, the corresponding line in the table's engraving glows, and a clear glass of pink liquid comes into being with a *Pop!*

    Roy leans down to examine it from the side. “Huh.”

    “That's it? All that drama for a cup of strawberry lemonade?”

    “What? No, it's a love potion, see?” Roy indicates the relevant text in the tabletop.

    “Well it smells like lemonade,” Belkar says, sniffing the air around the glass. “With maybe some mead mixed in...”

    “Well, we can't split it, so drink up.”

    “What?! Screw that! Why don't YOU drink it?!”

    “For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that I don't trust you not to kill me while I'm charmed with you. Besides, like I've said, all we have to do is be friends for a minute. Once it sets in, we should have no trouble leaving straight away.”

    Belkar sighs. “Alright, fine. Let's get this over with.” He grabs the potion and gulps in down in one swig, then stares blankly in Roy's general direction.

    “...well?”

    “DAMMIT! OF ALL THE TIMES FOR ME TO FINALLY MAKE A FRIGGIN' WILL SAVE!”

    4: Not that funny on its own, but oh well.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Hmm...”

    Roy and Belkar each pace across the room, trying to think up a way out of this idiotic slash fiction exercise.

    “Now don't get me wrong,” says Belkar, “I mean, if you were a woman I'd probably do you in a minute...”

    It's hard to tell whether he's kidding. Roy is annoyed. “...no comment.”

    Silence. More pacing.

    “Alright, I've got another idea,” says Roy.

    “Finally.”

    “Anyone outside doesn't have much to go on besides what we look like once we get out, right? And we're both in warrior classes, so a good sparring match should leave us both glowing and exhausted...”

    “I like where you're going with this...”

    “Cool. Go get your daggers.”

    “Awesome.” Belkar walks off-panel, grinning.

    5: A battle! Relatively long.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “You ready to die, chump?” taunts Belkar.

    “Gods, I have wanted to do this for so long... alright, on the count of three-”

    “OnetwothreeCHAAAARGE!” Belkar leaps at Roy, daggers flashing. Roy parries, not all that surprised.

    However unrealistic it would be considering the weapons they're using, the fencing goes on for a round or two before Belkar lands a dagger right in Roy's gut. “Augh! Belkar, what the hell?!”

    “What? We're fighting, aren't we?”

    “Sparring, you idiot!”

    “There's a difference?”

    “It means that you're not supposed to deal lethal damage.”

    “You told me to use my daggers! And you're not exactly wielding some candy-ass throw pillow, yourself...” Belkar, maintaining his philosophy that a good offense is the only truly satisfying defense, continues to be all up in Roy's business throughout the conversation.

    “So what? You just hit with the flat part of the blade, like... this.

    WHACK! Roy's subdual sword strike sends Belkar flying into the table, knocking it over. From there, a familiar die clatters across the floor...

    “Rrrrgh! Why, you... RRRRRRGH!” Belkar charges again, swinging his blades a bit more slowly this time.

    “Alright, that's not bad. I know that the penalty sucks, but if we work on that technique a bit...”

    “I'm not trying to deal nonlethal damage, jackass! I just... rrrgh... can't...” Belkar squints, his view of Roy getting a little blurry.

    Roy, in dodging a clumsy knife swipe, unexpectedly stumbles into a wall. “Oof! What? How did...” He is now forced to squint, too. “Hey, what's going on? What did you...” He just barely makes out the shape of the scattered die on the other side of the room. “Oh, no...”

    A minute later, the two are sitting on the floor against the wall, a nearby d20 showing a 3.

    “(hic) See, it's funny because I was a woman, (hic) for a little while...”

    “Heh heh... yeah, I (hic) kissed V, once... V is a (hic) woman, right?”

    “Dude, I... (hic)... (hic)... I don't even know, man.”

    “(hic)”

    “(hic)”

    6: The finale, I guess?
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Well, (hic), I guess that's that, then... we've exchanged secrets, (hic) so they should probably let us out now...”

    Roy is sitting against a wall as Belkar examines an overturned table. “Yeah, alright... but hey, you mind if I (hic) roll up a few more random events before we head out? Some of them look like they might be kind of (hic) fun...”

    It should be noted that being drunk can make a lot of things look fun. It can also make something horrible and risky not sound so bad.

    “Yeah, alright, (hic). Shoot,” says Roy.

    Soon, the two are sitting in desks, in the snow, a palm tree waving in the breeze over them. A little green one-eyed blob spouts gibberish at them from nearby.

    “Please stop,” says Wookiee Roy, too sick to move. His leather maternity armor bears what seems to be a police insignia.

    Vampire Belkar, wearing a frilly pink maid's uniform, doesn't seem to be listening. He looks much like he did when the greater mark of justice was active, his head spotted and surrounded by beer bubbles. The die on his desk shows an 11. “Whoo-hoo! Another pregnancy! I hope you like triplets!”

    7: The epilogue, and probably the best when taken alone.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “...and that's the story of how we were conceived,” concludes the short, poofy-haired boy, his human-sized cloak trailing comically on the ground.

    “Actually,” replies his brother, apparently an abnormally tan dwarf with a buzz cut, “we were just talking about the logistics of combining two XY chromosome pairs. Also, that story doesn't even make any sense.”

    The first brother hangs his head in disappointment.

    Their sister, a dark-skinned, elf-eared blond, goes on with her own explanation. “So, of the three remaining viable combinations, two are XY and one is XX, making a male conception twice as likely as a female one.”

    “Right, so, if two males conceive three times through whatever means, one will be a girl and two will be boys?”

    “Well, not necessarily, but it would the most likely prediction if you were to make it before knowing about either of the first two.”

    “Ah.”


    Actually, a sig banner revolving around the characters in the epilogue might be pretty fun, if anyone feels like making one. What do you think?

    EDIT: Water-Smurf, your writing is clever enough that I'm willing to forgive you for proactively upstaging me, heh. I guess that some of these posts are pretty long, after all.
    Last edited by Dr.Gunsforhands; 2009-08-23 at 09:54 PM.
    Avatar by the Ninja Chocobo.

  11. - Top - End - #761
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Cracklord's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Thanks, I needed that.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  12. - Top - End - #762
    Banned
     
    xelliea's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Germany.
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Had it ever had to go through true suffering, the kind that only came with the knowledge that its family was dead or dying and there was nothing it could do?
    I like the reference. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
    Last edited by xelliea; 2009-08-23 at 05:12 AM.

  13. - Top - End - #763
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Bozzak x Mr Rodriguez - deset island, enjoy!

    Spoiler
    Show
    Palm trees swayed in the breeze, seabirds called to each other as they wheeled on thermals and the huge, black, volcanic mountain cast it’s slowly lengthening shadow across an expanse of sand and dunes...one of which suddenly moves to reveal a man with green skin.

    “Bloody wizards,” thought Bozzak as he brushed sand from his clothes, “Bloody, bloody wizards and their bloody magic. I don’t know, you try to make a, fairly, honest living and someone transports you to, what looks like, an island! Oh well, I guess I’m stuck here until someone comes looking for me.” He thought about the people left behind in the Thieves guild. “I may be here for a while...”

    X Three weeks Later X

    “Voices.” Thought Bozzak sleepily. “Voices!” he shouted jerking awake. “Rescue!” he ran out of the crude shelter he had built and towards the sound of voices. The first thing he saw was a ship tacking into the wind and sailing away from the island. Closer to there was a man in a suit, knee deep in the surf and shouting after the retreating ship.

    “Mr Jones, Mr Jones! Come back!”

    Bozzak was shocked. Who would purposely abandon someone on an island? The suited man, his shoulders slumped with dejection turned and saw Bozzak on the beach.

    “A person? On this island?” he stuck out his hand “Phil Rodriguez, lawyer.”

    Bozzak took his hand, “The name’s Bozzak. I’ve been stranded here for three weeks now. Have they really just left you here?”

    Phil half-turned in the direction of the departing ship. “Mr Jones said I had to think about what I had done. He said a week should be about long enough.”

    “And what had you done?”

    “I don’t know exactly but I think it was something to do with the Elves.”

    “Elves?”

    Phil nodded, “and the cell.”

    Bozzak ran this through his head. Elves and a cell? Were the elves in the cell? What would elves be doing in a cell? He gave up.

    “Since I’ve been here a while I’ve set up a little hut and fire and stuff just around the beach. If you want you can stay with me?”

    “OK.”

    X Later That Night X

    “Mr Bozzak...”

    “Hmm...”

    “Mr Bozzak are you awake?”

    Bozzak sighed, “What is it Phil?”

    “It’s cold and dark and I’m scared, can I sleep with you?”

    Bozzak sighed again but it was hard to say no, he had this way of looking like a kicked puppy.
    “OK, come on then.” He said lifting his blanket woven from palm fronds. When Phil came over and snuggled into him he was surprised. “Are you not wearing anything?”

    “No.“ said Phil. “And I was hoping to persuade you to do the same. I want to try what the elves were doing.”

    “Elves?” said Bozzak but then Phil started touching him in ways that made it hard to say no, very hard indeed.

    What think?
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  14. - Top - End - #764

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Lira View Post
    Water-Smurf, that was amazing. I'm so glad you've joined the forums and decided to contribute to this thread; you're a really excellent writer. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I don't really have any criticisms at the moment, but I'm definitely going to read through that a couple more times tomorrow and see if I can say anything constructive.



    And now, I'm off to update the compilation posts! I clearly didn't post enough of them; they're all going to be full soon (not that I'm complaining; keep writing people! :P). But if anyone has any advice for somewhere we could store the compilation instead of a post (so we don't have to worry about that pesky 50000 maximum characters thing), then I'd appreciate that.
    You could link instead of posting the whole story.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  15. - Top - End - #765
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    London
    Gender
    Male

    eek Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Durkon x Demon Roach.

    To make things more fun, I decided that Durkon casts Thor's Might halfway through. That's just a taster of how freaky and mentally disturbing this is.

    Redcloak! Ye reign of terror ends today!

    Oh yeah? Well suck on this!

    Redcloak casts destruction, and Durkon is destroyed. When he wakes up, he finds himself alone in a cell with a cleric demon roach, sitting on an oversized diamond.

    Your alive!!!

    The roach falls top the floor as the diamond disappears

    Och, what foul trickery is this?

    No, handsome one! No trickery, my beloved!

    ...

    Yer what?

    Redcloak killed you, but I raised you, 2 months later. I love you Durkon! I couldn't wait to -

    Plugging his ears Thor's overtanked liver! Don' continue, please, lad!

    sidling closer Come on, Durkon.

    On his knees Och, NO! Please NOOOOO!

    Several hundered miles away

    Did somebody just do something cheesy? I got this feeling...

    Shut up, Elan

    Back in the cell

    I'll kill ye! THOR'S MIGHT!!!!!

    Y'know, this ain't that bad...

    Several hours later. Thor's might has not yet worn off.

    C'mon, Durky-baby.

    That's the stuff, Roachy.

    I'd just love it if you were normal sized. I've had about enough of hugging something my size.

    Anything for you, babe.

    Durkon returns to normal size.

    I IS BEING SQUISHLED DOWN HERE!!!

    Och, sorry, babe.

    The door to the cell is thrown open.

    What is this rumpus? I could hear you from the other side of Azure City!

    ...

    REDCLOAK!!! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, AND BRING A SPELL OF BLINDNESS!!!!!!!

    and What is it?

    Um, sir? I suggest we don't let the creature in the darkness see this.

    with wide eyes and a drooling mouth Too late! Ooooooooooooo.



    I'm going to spend the rest of the day wondering how I come up with this stuff.
    Last edited by Zolkabro; 2009-08-23 at 09:56 AM.

  16. - Top - End - #766
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Among the spiders
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Lira View Post
    Water-Smurf, that was amazing. I'm so glad you've joined the forums and decided to contribute to this thread; you're a really excellent writer. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I don't really have any criticisms at the moment, but I'm definitely going to read through that a couple more times tomorrow and see if I can say anything constructive.
    People actually recognize me? Jeeze, that'll be something to get used to. But my surprise aside, thanks a lot. It's always nice for an author to hear that she hasn't royally screwed something up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Minion992929 View Post
    Downloadable PDF File? Or evenone you keep on your desktop and send by request?
    That sounds good, or a shared Google Document? (Then again, those things don't exactly have all the room one would need... I don't think it goes beyond one hundred single-spaced pages...) Either way, if it's sent to everyone who wants it, I'd like to be on the list.

    Spoiler
    Show

    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  17. - Top - End - #767
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Cracklord's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Here we go again. More content.
    Julia Greenhilt x Xykon. Also, a while ago I got Horace and Xykon. Might be interesting...
    This will be interesting...
    Spoiler
    Show

    "Now all I have to do is wait." Julia thought, clutching the handle of the wand Mr Majere had ‘Misplaced’ tightly as she crouched in the alcove behind the door. It had been hard getting in, and would be harder getting out, but that wasn’t a problem. What she was waiting for was.

    The Lich Xykon. That was what she was here for.

    The actual grievances that had led to the original oath was more or less irrelevant to her. She just wanted to be rid of him. So she waited and waited, and the lich did not show up. Finally, a shadow appeared across the floor and at once she gripped the wand tighter.

    The youth got ready, excited that she was finally going to get his chance at revenge. She forced her hold on the wand to loosen, however, when the figure that came through the rearranged itself into a goblin, dressed in black with a gold medallion on its chest. It was not the lich, but his minion. His lieutenant. Beside him was another figure, a slightly taller creature of similar build and dress, with orange skin. A Hobgoblin.

    “I don’t get it. Why’s this important again?” The Hobgoblin was asking, his features contorted into an incredulous expression. The goblin shrugged.

    “He says he feels sick. Yes, I know that it’s not physically possible for him to be sick, but it’s not worth a fight. Let’s just sort out the wards, and get back to work. We don’t want another repeat of the elf.” The two of them grabbed their medallions and began chanting in deep, sonorous voices, making eldritch patterns in the air. It was mostly for show, anyone who knew anything about magic knew that, but it was important. If they didn’t do this, they might as well be sorcerers.

    Several more hobgoblins trailed in after them, all dressed like the one who had spoken, and joined the chant, their voices forming a curious melody.
    Julia was livid. She had waited there all day, since the early morning hours to do what she had been planning to do, and now lich wasn’t even going to show up. It almost made her mad enough to try and do this the easy way, not bother with skill checks and just blast everyone and kick down doors. Almost.

    It was all for naught and she would have to wait until extremely late at night to get out of the castle safely, then spend another sleepless night camped out in the ruined city trying not to be seen by patrols. As it was now, she'd never get her opportunity for revenge, and more importantly to stop having to worry about this, and now she'd have to come up with a completely different plan.

    'Damn it!' she thought as they moved to the right a bit and began chanting again. She’d have to wait for these two losers as well. They went on for what seemed like hours until at last there was a flash and everyone started filing out of the room. The last to go was the goblin, as he was still chaning, his eyes screwed closed.At last he finished,and turned without looking, leaving the room slowly and stopped in the doorway.

    "Oh, sir… What are you doing here? I thought you were sick...You should be resting." the goblin said, and Julia’s ears perked up at once upon hearing this, sliding the wand back out of her skirts pocket.

    "Felt...a bit…better" the lich intoned weakly, staggering forward and casting his shadow into the room. "Redcloak… would you…go and get my…cane…for me? I'm…afraid my…strength…is…failing me again." Xykon continued, his shadow crouching slightly.

    The goblin raised one eyebrow, but then shrugged and walked through the door, and Julia could hear him hurrying away. Just as she had hoped, the lich came into the room, though slowly. He was slouched over, and he looked almost pathetic, his back bowed, his bones thin and delicate, his clothes ragged. He was nothing at all like her father or brother had described him, nothing at all like how he usually looked.

    A faint wave of pity welled in her, but she quashed it angrily. No matter if the skeleton was sickly or not, she was going to do this. She jumped down when Xykon was facing the other way and pointed the wand at his back.

    There was a flash of darkness and the wand dropped out of his nerveless fingers.

    "Not smart to use up all your move like that. Especially when I win the iniative.” The Lich observed dryly, turning to look at her.

    "Just to let you know, little girl, I didn’t kill you on purpose. If I wanted, I would have Meteor Swarmed’ you until you stopped twitching, or even until you were nothing more then a thin, greasy smoke stinking up this city. I can still make it happened.” Lord Xkyon said, turning and looking as healthy and intimidating as ever.

    “So why don’t we cut the bullcrap. You’re a heroic type with a problem. But instead of talking to your therapist, you try and start something here. You got a problem? Well cry me a river, so do we all. But still, I can't believe you were stupid enough to try and take me on, let alone out on your own. Who do you think you are?"

    "I am...I am going to kill you!" She said, firing a magic missile. It hit him in the chest, ineffectively.

    Xykon didn’t even bother with magic. He just walked over, grabbed her, then twisted her arm around, effectively immobilizing the girl as he held her arm behind her back.

    "Ahhhhh!" She screamed as the skeleton twisted her arm further back. Try as she might, she couldn't struggle out of the lich’s iron grip. She bared her teeth, she hated feeling helpless, but he didn’t care.

    “You know, I think you picked the wrong path in life. You’re much to pretty for this sort of thing, and it ruins your face in no time. Why don’t we start things up again. Who are you, and what’s your problem.” Xykon said tauntingly, before slapping her resoundingly on the rump with a hand like a bagful of dice. "Not that I care of course, but it would be a shame for you to die totally unfuthilled. I don't have morals, or really scrupales either, hell, I don't even have standards, but I can apperciate you feel you have have a job to do, and half the pleasure's anticipation."

    If looks could kill, Xykon would have had his heart cut out again. Unfortunately, they couldn’t, and he only chuckled darkly, before walking back the way he’d come, forcing her ahead of him.

    “Hey nerds! Look what I caught! Damn, if I knew they made them this pretty, I’d let more heroes through. She's a bit stupid, though.” Xykon yelled at the hobgoblins ahead. The red-cloaked goblin turned to look at her, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

    She bared her teeth again, but he didn’t seem to care. "You know, you're so pretty I might just have to keep you as a pet. What's your name?" Xykon asked, his skulls ever-present grin directing itself at her. He didn’t have much choice in his facial expression, but maybe he meant it for a change.

    “I’m Julia Greenhilt, and you killed my father’s master. And my brother!” She yelled.

    “Oh please, do you have any idea…” Xykon started to say, but his lieutenant interrupted him.

    “Wasn’t the guy with the big sword a Greenhilt?”

    “Could have been…” Xykon said, then his eye-sockets endeavored to narrow evilly. “So you’re the sibling of one of my enemies, huh? Well isn’t that interesting. You know, I think I might just feel some highclass evil coming on…”
    Last edited by Cracklord; 2009-08-23 at 07:49 PM.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  18. - Top - End - #768
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    The Neoclassic's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Northeast USA
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Well, I finished another picture. Only one question remains...



    Who is evil, fiend-seduced Lien attacking?

    EDIT: Oh, yeah, this isn't an actual "match-up" picture, but it is a follow-up to the previous one. And I was also thinking of doing a romance (through more pictures or perhaps even written out) between this fiend and Teevo.
    Last edited by The Neoclassic; 2009-08-23 at 07:47 PM.

  19. - Top - End - #769
    Barbarian in the Playground
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Large Midwestern City
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    These banners have become addicting to make. Here's another.

    To above post: Wow, that's really good, we need moar TeeVo.
    !

  20. - Top - End - #770
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    you might be an assassin!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    I'm finished with the first chapter of the V/Redcloak thing. Any comments, criticisms (especially criticisms!), or compliments are greatly appreciated. I'm going to try to make this go slow and put a build-up there--I really suck at that (and romance in general) so I'd like to practice. How'd I do?

    Spoiler
    Show
    Redcloak scowled to himself, touching the patch over his empty eye socket gingerly, glaring as Xykon stormed out of the room. Tsukiko yawned, smirking at him, and shrugged.

    “Tough break, huh?”

    Redcloak sneered and glanced up at the holes in the ceiling and wall, inwardly cursing the undoubtedly monstrous price they’d have to pay to get them fixed. A little voice sounding painfully familiar was cursing his lost eye as well. He’d never be able to look himself in the eye in the mirror anymore.

    “Be glad that I convinced him to not kill our two only sources of information on the gates.” He looked down at the two pathetic mounds in the separate cages up against the wall, tusks bared in disgust.

    “Why’d I be glad about that? You’re the only one who cares about information!”

    “Because I’m apparently the only one with common sense. Get out.”

    Tsukiko yawned, smirking. “Don’t mind if I do, Left-Eye.” She spun and walked out.

    She couldn’t have known that her new nickname was far more than a mean-spirited jab. She couldn’t have known that she had not only touched a nerve, but had stabbed it with a hundred knives before casting lightning on it. She couldn’t have known what it did to Redcloak.

    She couldn’t have known, and Redcloak had no intention of letting her know. He slammed his reaction back down his own throat, staying stiff, his esophagus closing up, and his already-low body temperature dropping a few degrees.

    The elf then made the unwise move to uncurl very slightly from his-her-its fetal position.

    “Neither of us is going to provide you information,” the mage murmured.

    Redcloak spun around, glaring and eagerly jumping on the opportunity to take his fury at Xykon, Tsukiko, the world, and most of all himself out on someone. A stupid, arrogant, morally flippant elf would do the trick.

    “We’ll see about that.”

    The paladin stood up shakily in his cage, having to grip the bars for support, and growled. “Have you no honor?! He isn’t even a part of the Sapphire Guard! Take me—at least there is a chance I know about the gates!”

    “I hate self-righteous humans. You think you’re so much better because you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for some elf that’s probably evil anyway?” Redcloak sneered. “I bet you wouldn’t do the same if it was a goblin.”

    The elf was pathetic. Too weak to even walk on its own. (And Redcloak really did mean ‘it’—it wasn’t supposed to be some dehumanizing title. What gender was it supposed to be anyway?!) It tried to stand up, but it failed miserably, knees buckling under the very slight weight put on them. Redcloak grudgingly admitted to himself that he’d have to take it easy on the torture if he didn’t heal the mage. It looked half-dead already, complete with malnourishment, dehydration, and exhaustion, not counting the hits it took from Xykon. Redcloak, even in his own private rage, couldn’t stop a flicker of pity in his heart.

    But pity wasn’t going to deprive him of his outlet for frustration.

    “Come on. We’re going to have a chat about the elves and their plans. Maybe we’ll throw in a bit about the gates.”

    The monster in the dark cage’s gold eyes peered out. “Awww… he looks so hurt…”

    “Please—”

    “I… can handle… pain.”

    The elf had cut off the paladin, shocking even Redcloak. Huh. So the mage’s pride, despite the horrible treatment of its body, was still strong enough to turn down other people’s pity-driven attempts to sacrifice themselves so that it may heal. Either that or it had some weird masochism thing going on and felt that it deserved the pain.

    Redcloak found himself relating to both a little too much.

    The elf glanced up at the paladin, looking thoroughly broken and steeled at the same time. “Try to heal.”

    “I bet you both feel so noble.” Redcloak rolled his eye. “Just like mammals. Always doing stuff that they think makes them look all righteous to their fellows, but they don’t care when they rip apart honest goblin families.” He opened the cage, picking up the elf easily as one would pick up a baby. The elf was dangerously light, even for its species. Redcloak would need to fix that if he had any hope of getting information out of the pathetic little creature in his arms.

    The elf squirmed weakly, obviously trying to prove that it could walk and stand on its own but failing. It couldn’t even make it harder for Redcloak to carry it. The little thing was so fragile and beaten that it felt like a life-sized rag doll.

    Redcloak sighed. “Looks like I’m going to have to heal you before I try any interrogation.”

    Obviously understanding that interrogation = inhumane torture through experience, the paladin started to throw himself against the bars, shouting things that Redcloak didn’t care enough to even try to comprehend. The elf seemed to give up entirely, just lying limp in scaly arms that it had probably never felt before. Royal purple hair was tangled and ragged. Violet eyes, something that Redcloak had the vague impression of having used to glow with fierce pride and strength, were dull and distant. Skin, usually pale just because of race, was pallid with a gray tinge and gray and purple veins showing under the surface. Bruises the shape of finger bones were very pronounced on a delicate neck, a similar bruise surrounding one of its eyes, and bleeding cuts, scratches, and bruises covered various parts of the elf’s body. Redcloak had a feeling that the elf was nursing a broken bone, judging by the way it was holding its right arm very carefully and was making sure it wasn’t jostled in any way.

    Redcloak couldn’t really make himself feel sympathetic or guilty in any way. He had just lost his eye. The stupid mammal could deal with a broken arm.

    Completely ignoring the paladin’s protests, he carried the limp rag doll out of the throne room, climbing up the stairs. His clawed toes scraped and tapped against the stone, putting little scratches in the softer material, and the claws on his hands dug slightly into the elf’s skin—not so much as to draw blood, but enough to discourage too much struggle. It wasn’t as if Redcloak felt as though he had much to worry about. The elf obviously had all the fight forcefully ripped out of it. It was kind of sad in its own wretched way.

    “I can’t tell you anything,” the elf suddenly murmured softly, voice hoarse from the screaming and strangling that had occurred mere minutes before. “I acted alone.”

    “Yeah, well I’m pretty sure you know something about the gates. You look sort of familiar.”

    “I know nothing about them either. Nothing that you would be interested in, at least.”

    “We’ll see about that.”

    The stairs were spiraling, giving a really dizzy feeling in Redcloak’s head, and the stones that created the wall, staircase, and railing all meshed together in the vision of the only eye he had left. Was this how his brother had felt?

    No. He couldn’t think of his brother. He would drop to his knees and cry, regardless of whether or not anyone else was there.

    In his experience, it was generally pretty embarrassing for both parties if the interrogator randomly started to cry and blubber about a dead family member and the prisoner was stuck with the extremely awkward roll of patting the interrogator’s back and saying some crap about how everything would be okay.

    He paused, swiveling his head to compensate for his lost eye, and spotted a door fixed in the wall, a gold ring the only handle there was. He pulled at the ring, completely unconcerned with the fact that he had one less hand holding the prisoner for a moment, and pulled the door open.



    Why was everything in this city blue?

    Redcloak carried the elf into what looked like an old watch guard’s quarters. There was a simple but comfortable bed against the wall under a window covered with iron grating overlooking the purple glow of the Snarl, a desk covered with half-read books and a half-used candle and with a chair pushed against it, and a door leading to a bathroom. Very simple. Very common. Very blue.

    He put the elf on the bed with a little more care than he really wanted to and checked the books on the desk to make sure that none of them were spell books. All of them were silly human pulp fiction. He had nothing to be worried about, except for maybe the slow rotting of his brain cells just because he had glanced at the things.

    “Why did you bring me here?”

    The elf tried to sit up on the bed, but apparently, it was too weak to do even that. Its elbow buckled under the weight of its torso and flopped back on to the bed with a stifled cry of pain.

    “I need to heal you a little before I get rough. I’m not going to argue with Xykon to keep our sources of information just to kill one a minute later,” Redcloak grumbled, pulling the chair from the desk and sitting next to the bed. “By the looks of things, not even healing’s going to get you in shape for it. It looks like I have a few days of this stuff ahead. Seriously, have you eaten or tranced at all for the last month?”

    The elf was quiet, lightly cradling its right arm and avoiding eye contact.

    “Elves are idiots.” Redcloak carefully placed a hand on the elf’s shoulder. “Heal moderate wounds.”

    The broken arm mostly fixed itself. It’d probably be tender for a few days, but at least the elf wouldn’t be cradling it all the time and trying to keep from crying when it moved. There was a weird cracking sound inside the elf’s ribcage, and Redcloak decided to interpret that as a positive thing.

    The elf tried to stifle a moan of pain, trembling hands going up to hold a hurting chest. Redcloak paused for a moment, frowning, and slowly reached out a clawed hand to cup the elf’s sharp chin, making its face turn slightly, digging nails into the skin until tiny beads of blood started to gather.

    Left-Eye.

    Goodbye… Redcloak.

    Right-Eye shouldn’t have died. Neither should have his family. What horrible things had this elf done in its life, minus accepting a soul splice? Had it ripped apart families and killed children and destroyed homes just because the species of the victims were supposedly always evil and therefore it was okay to hurt them? Had it appreciated the privileges the life of an elf—a supposedly always good species—gave it? Had it ever had to go through true suffering, the kind that only came with the knowledge that its family was dead or dying and there was nothing it could do?

    “Let go of me.”

    The voice was somehow stronger than before, though still drained. The healing had probably kicked in a little.

    Redcloak vowed to make this elf suffer the way his brother and family had to.

    He let go of the elf’s face, making sure to drag his claws a little deeper in than necessary, and glared. The elf seemed to find the strength to glare back.

    “I’m going to put up some protections on this room and leave. You won’t be able to escape, and you won’t bother trying to. If you do, I’ll tie you to the bed and let Xykon and Tsukiko do whatever they want. You’re going to trance whenever possible. If you refuse, I’ll start ripping off your or the paladin’s fingers, whichever works best. Food will be brought up, and you will eat it. If you refuse, I’ll force-feed you personally. I’m going to heal you until you are at least moderately healthy. If you try to resist, I’ll throw a slave into the Snarl. Once you’re physically capable of handling more than a shove in the wrong direction, you’ll be interrogated mercilessly about the elves and the gates. I don’t think I need to go into detail about what happens if you don’t tell us what we want to know.”

    The elf was still glaring, fists clenched weakly.

    “Let’s see how long you’ll be able to keep even that little defiance up.”

    With that, Redcloak left the room, closing the door and leaving it black.
    amazing. absolutly amazing. you have a natural talent for this this. did you spell check this? because i saw no misspelled words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.Gunsforhands View Post
    Okay, I was about to roll on the table for my own amusement, having no intention of writing anything. Alas, while I was on the first page I spotted somebody refusing to do a Roy/Belkar one, and my brain immediately started scripting out an entertaining explanation and its result.

    Enjoy!

    Spoiler
    Show
    The thing is split up into little episodes of varying length, and I think that I managed to get it such that any one of them could be considered complete enough make about as much sense as any of these crack pairing bits. You can read them all in order, take them each separately over time, or just pick one at random and move on with your busy day, and it should still work pretty decently. 'Should' being the operative word.

    1: The intro. Maybe a bit creepy, especially if taken alone.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Woo-hoo! Belkar gets to be in another crack pairing!”

    Carrying a large box labeled 'fetish' in front of him, our favorite halfling pushes through the door into what appears to be a featureless, beige room.

    “Alright, baby, let's get cracking!” Belkar says as he puts down the box and reaches inside, producing a montage of skimpy, feminine 'outfits.' “Take your pick! I've got your standard Elvish Chainmail, the T-shirt of Wetness, a Cellophane Spacesuit...”

    Belkar looks up to see what sort of curves he has to work with, only to see a fully-clothed Roy standing in front of him. He stares, wide-eyed, bewildered and speechless.

    “Hmm, I think I might have to go with the bright red studded leather bikini,” Roy teases.

    2: Revolves around a pretty formulaic joke. Much less creepy.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Belkar throws his arms up in the air, striding past Roy. “Aw, hell no! This is NOT happening! The Belkster don't swing that way!”

    “Yeah, well, I'm not exactly chomping at the bit, either,” says Roy.

    “Man, that's it! They've gone too far! I'm gonna hunt down whoever made that random relationship table and rip their - ”

    “Oh, cool it. Now listen, I've talked to Elan on the subject-”

    “Yeah, I bet you have, if you know what I mean,” Belkar adds instinctively.

    “...and he says that these exercises aren't all about spiked brassieres and character derailment. Apparently, slash-fic is a pretty wide umbrella, and I think that if we come to some mutual understanding that leads to a greater bond of friendship between us, it would be enough to qualify.”

    They both fall silent. A vague, muffled cheer can be heard outside, followed by a groan. Perhaps another pairing has been announced in the lobby. More silence.

    “Pfft!” Belkar bursts, and both smile and laugh.

    “Aw, man,” Belkar says, wiping a tear from his eye. “You had me going there for a minute!”

    “Heh, alright. Let's go see what the Random Event Table has to say.”

    3: A longer one, with a few gaming jokes and a small existential crisis.
    Spoiler
    Show
    Roy and Belkar proceed to a wooden table, on which is engraved a short list of messed-up plot devices. A large, twenty-sided die sits atop the furniture piece.

    “What's this malarkey?” Belkar asks.

    “The Random Event Table. It's a way that this thread can determine what direction a pairing goes in. It's still bound to be disgusting, but at least it'll give us something to go on, and there's a chance that it will give us a way out of the situation entirely.”

    “Well, what are we waiting for, then? Roll it already!”

    Roy picks up the die and stares into it for a moment. He then sighs, grits his teeth, closes his eyes and gently tosses it onto the table. After the distinctive rattling has halted, he braces himself and looks sideways at the result, one squinting eye open.

    The die shows a two.

    Suddenly, the corresponding line in the table's engraving glows, and a clear glass of pink liquid comes into being with a *Pop!*

    Roy leans down to examine it from the side. “Huh.”

    “That's it? All that drama for a cup of strawberry lemonade?”

    “What? No, it's a love potion, see?” Roy indicates the relevant text in the tabletop.

    “Well it smells like lemonade,” Belkar says, sniffing the air around the glass. “With maybe some mead mixed in...”

    “Well, we can't split it, so drink up.”

    “What?! Screw that! Why don't YOU drink it?!”

    “For a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that I don't trust you not to kill me while I'm charmed with you. Besides, like I've said, all we have to do is be friends for a minute. Once it sets in, we should have no trouble leaving straight away.”

    Belkar sighs. “Alright, fine. Let's get this over with.” He grabs the potion and gulps in down in one swig, then stares blankly in Roy's general direction.

    “...well?”

    “DAMMIT! OF ALL THE TIMES FOR ME TO FINALLY MAKE A FRIGGIN' WILL SAVE!”

    4: Not that funny on its own, but oh well.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Hmm...”

    Roy and Belkar each pace across the room, trying to think up a way out of this idiotic slash fiction exercise.

    “Now don't get me wrong,” says Belkar, “I mean, if you were a woman I'd probably do you in a minute...”

    It's hard to tell whether he's kidding. Roy is annoyed. “...no comment.”

    Silence. More pacing.

    “Alright, I've got another idea,” says Roy.

    “Finally.”

    “Anyone outside doesn't have much to go on besides what we look like once we get out, right? And we're both in warrior classes, so a good sparring match should leave us both glowing and exhausted...”

    “I like where you're going with this...”

    “Cool. Go get your daggers.”

    “Awesome.” Belkar walks off-panel, grinning.

    5: A battle! Relatively long.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “You ready to die, chump?” taunts Belkar.

    “Gods, I have wanted to do this for so long... alright, on the count of three-”

    “OnetwothreeCHAAAARGE!” Belkar leaps at Roy, daggers flashing. Roy parries, not all that surprised.

    However unrealistic it would be considering the weapons they're using, the fencing goes on for a round or two before Belkar lands a dagger right in Roy's gut. “Augh! Belkar, what the hell?!”

    “What? We're fighting, aren't we?”

    “Sparring, you idiot!”

    “There's a difference?”

    “It means that you're not supposed to deal lethal damage.”

    “You told me to use my daggers! And you're not exactly wielding some candy-ass throw pillow, yourself...” Belkar, maintaining his philosophy that a good offense is the only truly satisfying defense, continues to be all up in Roy's business throughout the conversation.

    “So what? You just hit with the flat part of the blade, like... this.

    WHACK! Roy's subdual sword strike sends Belkar flying into the table, knocking it over. From there, a familiar die clatters across the floor...

    “Rrrrgh! Why, you... RRRRRRGH!” Belkar charges again, swinging his blades a bit more slowly this time.

    “Alright, that's not bad. I know that the penalty sucks, but if we work on that technique a bit...”

    “I'm not trying to deal nonlethal damage, jackass! I just... rrrgh... can't...” Belkar squints, his view of Roy getting a little blurry.

    Roy, in dodging a clumsy knife swipe, unexpectedly stumbles into a wall. “Oof! What? How did...” He is now forced to squint, too. “Hey, what's going on? What did you...” He just barely makes out the shape of the scattered die on the other side of the room. “Oh, no...”

    A minute later, the two are sitting on the floor against the wall, a nearby d20 showing a 3.

    “(hic) See, it's funny because I was a woman, (hic) for a little while...”

    “Heh heh... yeah, I (hic) kissed V, once... V is a (hic) woman, right?”

    “Dude, I... (hic)... (hic)... I don't even know, man.”

    “(hic)”

    “(hic)”

    6: The finale, I guess?
    Spoiler
    Show
    “Well, (hic), I guess that's that, then... we've exchanged secrets, (hic) so they should probably let us out now...”

    Roy is sitting against a wall as Belkar examines an overturned table. “Yeah, alright... but hey, you mind if I (hic) roll up a few more random events before we head out? Some of them look like they might be kind of (hic) fun...”

    It should be noted that being drunk can make a lot of things look fun. It can also make something horrible and risky not sound so bad.

    “Yeah, alright, (hic). Shoot,” says Roy.

    Soon, the two are sitting in desks, in the snow, a palm tree waving in the breeze over them. A little green one-eyed blob spouts gibberish at them from nearby.

    “Please stop,” says Wookiee Roy, too sick to move. His leather maternity armor bears what seems to be a police insignia.

    Vampire Belkar, wearing a frilly pink maid's uniform, doesn't seem to be listening. He looks much like he did when the greater mark of justice was active, his head spotted and surrounded by beer bubbles. The die on his desk shows an 11. “Whoo-hoo! Another pregnancy! I hope you like triplets!”

    7: The epilogue, and probably the best when taken alone.
    Spoiler
    Show
    “...and that's the story of how we were conceived,” concludes the short, poofy-haired boy, his human-sized cloak trailing comically on the ground.

    “Actually,” replies his brother, apparently an abnormally tan dwarf with a buzz cut, “we were just talking about the logistics of combining two XY chromosome pairs. Also, that story doesn't even make any sense.”

    The first brother hangs his head in disappointment.

    Their sister, a dark-skinned, elf-eared blond, goes on with her own explanation. “So, of the three remaining viable combinations, two are XY and one is XX, making a male conception twice as likely as a female one.”

    “Right, so, if two males conceive three times through whatever means, one will be a girl and two will be boys?”

    “Well, not necessarily, but it would the most likely prediction if you were to make it before knowing about either of the first two.”

    “Ah.”


    Actually, a sig banner revolving around the characters in the epilogue might be pretty fun, if anyone feels like making one. What do you think?

    EDIT: Water-Smurf, your writing is clever enough that I'm willing to forgive you for proactively upstaging me, heh. I guess that some of these posts are pretty long, after all.
    i have no words for the disturbing plot in this story. if you make all ur storys like this, they will rival Zanarils story. thats a big feat.

    Quote Originally Posted by Taekwondodo View Post
    Bozzak x Mr Rodriguez - deset island, enjoy!

    Spoiler
    Show
    Palm trees swayed in the breeze, seabirds called to each other as they wheeled on thermals and the huge, black, volcanic mountain cast it’s slowly lengthening shadow across an expanse of sand and dunes...one of which suddenly moves to reveal a man with green skin.

    “Bloody wizards,” thought Bozzak as he brushed sand from his clothes, “Bloody, bloody wizards and their bloody magic. I don’t know, you try to make a, fairly, honest living and someone transports you to, what looks like, an island! Oh well, I guess I’m stuck here until someone comes looking for me.” He thought about the people left behind in the Thieves guild. “I may be here for a while...”

    X Three weeks Later X

    “Voices.” Thought Bozzak sleepily. “Voices!” he shouted jerking awake. “Rescue!” he ran out of the crude shelter he had built and towards the sound of voices. The first thing he saw was a ship tacking into the wind and sailing away from the island. Closer to there was a man in a suit, knee deep in the surf and shouting after the retreating ship.

    “Mr Jones, Mr Jones! Come back!”

    Bozzak was shocked. Who would purposely abandon someone on an island? The suited man, his shoulders slumped with dejection turned and saw Bozzak on the beach.

    “A person? On this island?” he stuck out his hand “Phil Rodriguez, lawyer.”

    Bozzak took his hand, “The name’s Bozzak. I’ve been stranded here for three weeks now. Have they really just left you here?”

    Phil half-turned in the direction of the departing ship. “Mr Jones said I had to think about what I had done. He said a week should be about long enough.”

    “And what had you done?”

    “I don’t know exactly but I think it was something to do with the Elves.”

    “Elves?”

    Phil nodded, “and the cell.”

    Bozzak ran this through his head. Elves and a cell? Were the elves in the cell? What would elves be doing in a cell? He gave up.

    “Since I’ve been here a while I’ve set up a little hut and fire and stuff just around the beach. If you want you can stay with me?”

    “OK.”

    X Later That Night X

    “Mr Bozzak...”

    “Hmm...”

    “Mr Bozzak are you awake?”

    Bozzak sighed, “What is it Phil?”

    “It’s cold and dark and I’m scared, can I sleep with you?”

    Bozzak sighed again but it was hard to say no, he had this way of looking like a kicked puppy.
    “OK, come on then.” He said lifting his blanket woven from palm fronds. When Phil came over and snuggled into him he was surprised. “Are you not wearing anything?”

    “No.“ said Phil. “And I was hoping to persuade you to do the same. I want to try what the elves were doing.”

    “Elves?” said Bozzak but then Phil started touching him in ways that made it hard to say no, very hard indeed.

    What think?
    No Comment. No Comment.

    click this egg or all dragons will die!

    __________________
    I Am A
    Spoiler
    Show
    True Neutral Human Druid/Wizard (1st/1st Level)


    Ability Scores:
    Strength- 10
    Dexterity- 10
    Constitution- 11
    Intelligence- 13
    Wisdom- 11
    Charisma- 10


  21. - Top - End - #771
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Jul 2009

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Here's my story about Redcloak X Tsukiko X Julio Scoundrel :

    Spoiler
    Show

    Tsukiko and Redcloak are preparing together a dark plan for Xykon.

    Tsukiko : So I think we should use less goblins and more zombies

    Redcloak : No, zombies are totally mindless and Roy has a undead killing sword, so goblins are a lot more useful in this situation.

    Tsukiko : Yeah, you're maybe right, beautiful.

    Redcloak : What? You called me beautiful and you think that goblins are better? What's wrong with you, Tsukiko?

    Tsukiko : I just had a revelation, I was not in love with Xykon, but with you, Reddy.

    Redcloak : No! That's just purely wrong I hate humans! I can't love a human woman, even as beautiful as you!

    Tsukiko : So you think I'm beautiful, Reddy?

    Redcloak : Yes! No! Maybe!

    Tsukiko : Don't be shy.

    They then almost shared a kiss, but before this moment of romance, a man entered by the window.

    ? : Let the girl free, greeny!

    Tsukiko & Redcloak : What!?

    ? : You heard me the first time, let the girl free!

    Redcloak : Who are you, human!

    ? : I am Julio Scoundrel, the world sexiest man, before they raised Valentino again.

    Redcloak : You're not that sexy!

    Tsukiko : No, you're wrong, Reddy, he's sexy as hell.

    Redcloak : What! You think he's sexy! I thought you loved me!

    Julio Scoundrel : Love you! You're only a pathetic goblin!

    Redcloak : Pathetic, I'll show you pathetic! Desintegrate!

    Julio made a backflip and evade the spell he then charged at Redcloak with his rapier saying :

    Julio : I ate a pickle that was as green as you, yesterday!

    Redcloak fell on his knee the charisma of Julio to high for a priest to support that damage.

    Julio : Prepare to die!

    Tsukiko : Stop fighting for me! We have enough Tsukiko for you two, sweethearts.

    Julio : But...

    Redcloak : Yeah... she's right.

    Tsukiko : So, let's go to my room, but before we'll ask if Xykon wants some action.

    Redcloak & Julio : Good Idea!

    Redcloak : But not for the part with Xykon.


    I didn't know she actually called him Reddy!
    Last edited by PsychoPat; 2009-08-24 at 01:02 AM.

  22. - Top - End - #772
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Gimliggamer's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Texas
    Gender
    Male

    biggrin Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Frodo
    entire hobgoblin army
    Sam
    Harry Potter
    comin up
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  23. - Top - End - #773
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Gimliggamer's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Texas
    Gender
    Male

    Exclamation Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Totally Lime!





















    Frodo: Run Sam! Run!
    Sam: Why?
    Frodo: A hobgoblin army is coming!
    Sam: AAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHH!
    *Harry Potter bursts out of nowhere*
    Harry: He's back! Voldemorts back!
    Frodo: I dont care run!
    *pushes Harry*
    *Harry seees army*
    Harry:awayus badguyus!
    *2 ogres pop into army*
    Harry:AAAAAAAAAAAAAaa!!!!!!!!!
    *Gandalf pops in*
    Gandalf: Fly you fools!
    *Snarl takes Gandalf*
    *Frodo, Sam, and Harry slam into tree*
    Sam: climb mister Frodo! Climb!
    *All climb up*
    *trolls star singing "let me be myself"*
    *army shakes Frodo, Sam, and Harry down*
    Army: All we want is an orgy!
    Frodo: You could have just said that ok!
    Sam: well do it!
    Harry:Expect Patronads!


    Ill let your imagination do the rest.....
    Dolla dolla bill, y'all

  24. - Top - End - #774
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by MagicianMan5 View Post
    No Comment. No Comment.
    *bows* why thank you! I do realise that it isn't quite in keeping with the characters (Mr Rodriguez especially) and it isn't as well written as my first one but they were surprisingly hard to write. Did you get the reference to Zanaril's pairing?
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  25. - Top - End - #775
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Elan x The cliffport chief of police, snowed in. Hmmm...
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  26. - Top - End - #776
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Cracklord's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Gimliggamer View Post
    Frodo
    entire hobgoblin army
    Sam
    Harry Potter
    comin up
    Don't you mean Frudu, Samwose and Larry Gardener?
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  27. - Top - End - #777
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    GreenSorcererElf

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    you might be an assassin!
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Quote Originally Posted by Taekwondodo View Post
    *bows* why thank you! I do realise that it isn't quite in keeping with the characters (Mr Rodriguez especially) and it isn't as well written as my first one but they were surprisingly hard to write. Did you get the reference to Zanaril's pairing?
    yes. yes i did. do not make me read that again. or that multiple part one. by that other guy. the one about roy and belkar. dont make me read it again! it's a weapon of torture! and since that IFCC and Cliffport Chief was too disturbing to get two words in, i think i'll rip some things off from the guns-for-hands avatar dude. as in, beige room, 20d Tables, and a pairing where i'm trying to keep with the personalaties with the characters. i have it mostly sketched out in my mind now. and i am not bleaching my brain this time.
    and now here is the story. enjoy*.

    *MagicianMan5 is not responsible for brain damage, brain leakage, brain melting, or explosive dierhea caused by the reading of this story.

    Spoiler
    Show
    MagicianMan5 stood in the Room of Crack-Pairing Tables. He rolled on the Initial Table twice and summoned Haley and Vaarsuvius.
    "Huh?" said a bewildered Haley.
    "What in the blasted infernal Hells is going on here?" said an annoyed V.
    "You are in the Room of Crack-Pairing Tables." Said MM5.
    "Ugh, not this crap again!" Said Haley, really pissed now.
    "Unfortunatly,"agreed V," I must agree with Ms Starshine, i am still weary from having to pretend to like that annoying drow, Zz'dtri."
    "Well, i'm just giong to see how this plot will unfold with another roll of the 20d." he rolled on the Random Event Table, while V and Haley made a dive to stop him.
    "Nooo!" Exclaimed Haley as the die rolled across the table.
    "Damnation!" shouted V as the die slowed to a stop, landng on three.
    "So, you two get to be in this room, with die, magic tables, and drunk. this should be fun to watch, you know, from a safe distance." And saying so, he walked out the door, with a twirl of his cape, locked the door, and watched as the two people went crazy inside and summoned up people and things they didnt even know, and everyone they did know, with every single event on the table. and after the party ended, everyone passed out, and disappeared back to their own world, seeing as its nearing the end.
    "Wow," said MM5 afterwards, "that was much more fulfilling than playdrake, and with twice as many bad plot jokes."

    END
    Last edited by MagicianMan5; 2009-08-24 at 06:33 AM.

    click this egg or all dragons will die!

    __________________
    I Am A
    Spoiler
    Show
    True Neutral Human Druid/Wizard (1st/1st Level)


    Ability Scores:
    Strength- 10
    Dexterity- 10
    Constitution- 11
    Intelligence- 13
    Wisdom- 11
    Charisma- 10


  28. - Top - End - #778
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Demus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2009

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    Monster in The DarkXSarah GreenhiltXJulia Greenhilt/Stuck on a desert island

    Okay then.....

    I'm not even going to begin to attempt to write this one with my poor writing skills, but damn it would be hilarious.
    Zombie Hef: Proving that being dead doesn't stop you from macking on the ladies.

    Official Grand Chronicler of Fanservice

    Avatar created by Nevitan.

  29. - Top - End - #779
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Among the spiders
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    I finished the second chapter! Once more, seeing as this is all-in-all a first draft masquerading as the final product, comments, criticisms, and compliments are all hugely appreciated.

    (Methinks I'm a little too into this thing. I'm already half-way through the third chapter. )

    Spoiler
    Show
    “Supreme Leader?”

    Redcloak spun around from staring out at the Snarl, frowning a little at the hobgoblin addressing him. “Yes?”

    The hobgoblin put his hands behind his back and tilted backward and forward nervously. “The prisoner isn’t eating or trancing. She says that she’s not hungry or tired.”

    Redcloak rolled his eyes to the sky, caught between being annoyed that he’d have to deal with this and being really grateful to have a chance to take his anger out on someone without looking like Xykon in his own… eye.

    “I’ll handle it. How’s the search for Xykon’s phylactery?”

    “The troops haven’t found it so far.”

    Redcloak sighed, shaking his head and starting towards the door. “Wonderful. I bet Xykon’s in a great mood about that.”

    He went into the staircase again, claws scraping against the stone, and scowled until the elf’s door was in sight. He clacked his claws together, eager to take his anger out and trying to ignore the growing disgust at himself.

    Just because he was taking joy in the pain of another didn’t mean that he was becoming like Xykon. It was a wretched little elf who had probably killed tons of his kind. It was perfectly reasonable to like hurting it.

    He pulled open the door, allowing light to leak into the room outside of the soft glow of the Snarl. The elf, lying on the bed, immediately covered its eyes for them to adjust.

    “What’d I say about eating and trancing?”

    “I…” the elf squinted a little in the light, “I am not hungry nor am I tired.”

    “Save the lying for interrogation.” Redcloak pushed the door closed behind him. His goblin eyes were able to see fine in the low light, but the elf was probably half-blind at the moment. Redcloak glanced at the desk, picking up the uneaten stew left there, and walked to the bed. “Enjoy the food while you can. This is the best you’re going to get—after you’re healthy, you’ll be living off gruel.”

    “That seems to defeat the purpose of making me healthy.” The elf scooted up until it was thoroughly pressed in the corner, tiny limbs trembling with obvious exhaustion.

    “You’d think so.” Redcloak’s eyes narrowed a little. “Alright, I don’t want to force-feed any elves. It’s gross. So you can eat and make at least one of us happy, or you can still resist and make both of us unhappier than we already are.”

    The elf looked like it was going to resist for a moment. Redcloak gave a frustrated sigh and grabbed the spoon.

    “That is quite alright!”

    The elf flinched back and held out a lightly trembling hand. “Do not insult me. I can feed myself.”

    “Pride is all you have left, elf.” Redcloak gave the spoon to the elf and put the pot on the bed. The elf’s hand was trembling slightly. If Redcloak let it be, it would spill all the stew without even trying. “So much for that, I suppose.”

    He reached out with a clawed hand and rested it lightly on the elf’s frail and bony one, steadying the tremors. The elf scowled but didn’t try to shake the goblin off. The elf was very silent, ears drooping pitifully, as it ate, not bothering with words. Redcloak kept his hand on the elf’s at all times, making sure it wouldn’t shake.

    “Why would you do this personally?”

    The question surprised Redcloak. It was simple and curious—two things he didn’t expect from anyone in the situation the elf was currently in.

    “I’m a hands-on leader, I guess.” He checked to see that the stew was finished before taking the pot and spoon away, standing and putting them next to the door. “Besides, your presence is not exactly something I want every foot soldier to know about.”

    The elf nodded slowly, looking away.

    “This is the part where I ‘convince’ you to trance.”

    “I am not tired.”

    “I know that you’re a big bad elf mage and I’m just a lowly goblin cleric, but I can tell the different between ‘exhausted’ and ‘not tired,’” Redcloak sneered slightly, walking back to the bed. “I also have the ability to regenerate lost limbs. You want to see how many times you can deal with your fingers being ripped off?”

    The elf glared, squeezing back into the corner a little more. “I am not tired. Bring any barbaric torture you wish—I shall not trance.”

    Redcloak paused, realization slowly dawning in his mind. If the elf had wanted to be rebellious, it would have done it by refusing to eat, even when Redcloak tried to force it. The trance thing wasn’t rebellion. The elf actually felt that trance was worse than anything Redcloak could do.

    Why?

    Well, trance was the replay of memories in one’s mind over and over, if Redcloak’s research told him anything. That could lead to bad things if the given elf had gone through an incident that would warrant something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or whatever. That was perfectly possible, especially with an elf looking as twitchy as the one in front of him. It reminded Redcloak of a really sad chipmunk hopped up on drugs and coffee. When someone was being compared to a depressed, hyper and stoned chipmunk, one knew that there was a problem.

    Redcloak could understand nightmares. He understood the demons of one’s past grabbing them at night and ribbing them apart. He knew what that was like.

    His experience gave him unwanted empathy for the little creature in front of him.

    “What’s your name?”

    The elf looked up in surprise, lips slightly parted, bloodshot violet eyes gleaming softly with wariness, hands clenched into fists on tattered and faded robes to stop their trembling. The veins under the elf’s skin were still gray and well-defined, hair still wild and ragged, and its waist was dangerously slim. Redcloak had the feeling that if he had been sick enough to rip open the creature’s robe, he would be able to count the ribs underneath a thin layer of skin. It was odd. Elves were, as a species, supposed to be very attractive. (Redcloak personally never understood it—he was a little hung up on the lack of tusks.) He doubted that even one of those horny human teenagers would find this sickly elf good-looking. Grief, anger, remorse, fear, shame, loneliness… Redcloak was so well-versed with the feelings that he was surprised that he hadn’t seen them written in the elf’s rather youthful face. Those were the feelings that drained beauty and health. Those were the feelings that made people, no matter their species, stay up at night and replay their lives before their eyes, thinking of all the ways they could have acted differently. Redcloak shuddered to think of how he himself would have fared if his dreams were composed entirely of crystal-clear replays of memories.

    He could easily imagine preferring torture over such a sleep.

    It took him a moment to remember that he had asked the elf a question that had still not received an answer. “What’s your name? Is this a difficult question?”

    “I am rather surprised that you care.” The elf’s tiny body was shaking. It tried to hide it, another sign of the pride that Redcloak had a feeling used to burn so brightly within this mage, but it couldn’t be hidden.

    “Filing issues. I can’t exactly call you ‘the elf’ in any records when I start interrogating you. We’re inevitably going to get a few other prisoners that fit that description.”

    “Perhaps the elf that helped lose your master’s phylactery?”

    The elf’s eyes lit up with defiance and the pride was rekindled if only briefly. The skin glowed softly with inner health and the shaking stopped. Its shoulders squared and its lips went into a grim, determined line.

    For a weird moment, Redcloak found himself glancing into a snatch of the past and present, looking into a puddle that he thought was shallow and only comprised of now, but reaching in and finding that he couldn’t even touch the bottom. “Just give me your name. It’s not like I can do much with it.”

    “I would prefer to know who I am speaking to first,” the elf said, voice steely.

    “Just call me Redcloak. Everyone else does.”

    The elf paused briefly, holding Redcloak’s gaze. “My name is Vaarsuvius.”

    The defiance bled out. The elf’s skin was ashen again. The shaking started again. The shoulders slumped slightly. The ears drooped slightly. The elf… Vaarsuvius… looked away, shrinking slightly, and closed violet eyes. “I am not tired.”

    Redcloak scowled a little. He was in a dilemma, and he hated dilemmas. He could go the most satisfying route and just start dismembering and breaking the elf’s fingers until it decided that enough pain made it sleepy enough to brave nightmares, or do what would actually work and try to figure some way past the nightmares.

    Why was he so concerned about the prisoner’s health again? Oh yeah. It wouldn’t be able to sustain the torture of interrogation, much less Xykon’s revenge and boredom, if it wasn’t coddled at first.

    He hated being the only logical one.

    Redcloak sighed in frustration, and despite himself, he was already dissecting what little of the elf’s behavior he had experienced and deciding how best to handle the situation. Pride? Defiance? He could deal with that. Didn’t mean he’d enjoy it.

    “Fine then.”

    Redcloak made himself comfortable on the foot of the bed, patting down his clothes until he found a small book in one of his pockets, leaning against the wall and flicking open the pages delicately.

    “What are you doing?”

    “If I’m staying here, I’m going to have something to entertain myself. I’m not going to depend on you for that.”

    The elf frowned, shrinking a little more into the corner. “Why are you staying here?”

    Redcloak sighed again in exasperation. “It turns out that torture can only do so much, and forcing someone to sleep isn’t included. So I’m staying here until you trance.”

    “Excuse me?!”

    “You speak Common, right?” Redcloak rolled his eyes and kept reading. “Just sit there if you like. I’m not leaving until you get at least eight hours of trance. I know that my… associates don’t seem like it, but there are some people here that have more patience than that of a toddler.”

    The elf looked wary.

    “Don’t flatter yourself or insult me. I’m not like Xykon. I’m not going to hurt you when you’re asleep. Especially in…” Redcloak couldn’t stop a small sound of disgust in the back of his throat, “that way.”

    The elf looked a little pacified but still wary. The elf hugged its knees and rested its forehead against them, one violet eye fixed on Redcloak, and the shaking receded slightly, gaze filming over slowly. It wasn’t an ideal trance. It probably wouldn’t be very restful. It probably wouldn’t even help.

    But it lasted longer than eight hours. There were a couple twitches, some whimpers, but no awakening. Redcloak stayed the whole time.

    When the elf woke up with the softest gasp, it glanced up at Redcloak with a very confused expression on its face. Royal purple eyebrows were furrowed slightly, crawling up to meet gently as if the elf were trying to figure out a difficult logic problem. Without a word, Redcloak closed his book and walked out of the room.

    ---

    “Supreme Leader?”

    Redcloak looked up from the various papers he had dug up from the Azure City’s royal library. The glow from the Snarl overcast everything, tinting the world in purple. The paladin was on the ground, his knees too weak to stand after Xykon’s last game, and his eyes were fixed in a glare at Redcloak. Probably still sore about the elf. The monster inside the cage’s eyes were still glowing cheerfully. Jirix was standing straight, scratching at an orange hand and shifting nervously.

    “Yes, Jirix?”

    “The prisoner refuses to sleep.”

    Redcloak stood up, sorting through the papers and putting them in a neat pile. “I’ll handle it. Get these back to the library.”

    Jirix nodded and obediently picked up the papers while Redcloak walked out of the room, feet almost automatically navigating the stairs to get to the big stone door with a gold ring. He pulled at the ring, opening the door, and he closed it when he walked in.

    Vaarsuvius looked up, violet eyes a little brighter than the day before, and the only thing that illuminated the dark room was the light of the Snarl. No sun. No moon. The stars were too weak to reach the window.

    Redcloak walked up to the bed and sat at the foot again, taking a new small book out of his pocket and flipping it open. There weren’t words this time. Vaarsuvius crossed its legs and tentatively closed its eyes, slipping into a trance.

    From then on, Redcloak came back with a new book every evening and only left in the morning.


    Again, romance isn't my specialty. Any pointers?

    Spoiler
    Show

    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  30. - Top - End - #780
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Lira's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007

    Default Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table

    That ending made me go "Awwww" :P. I'm really enjoying the story, it's nice to have some build-up in these; most of the stories here are rather short (though they're still good). I've read through your story twice already and I don't really have any criticism. I think you're doing a great job on it and I'm very curious to see what happens next.

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    (Methinks I'm a little too into this thing. I'm already half-way through the third chapter. )
    Yay!

    Quote Originally Posted by Minion992929 View Post
    Downloadable PDF File? Or evenone you keep on your desktop and send by request?
    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    You could link instead of posting the whole story.
    Good ideas, guys. I think I might do both of those; links in the page 11 posts and the full stories compilation available for request.
    Last edited by Lira; 2009-08-24 at 09:33 PM. Reason: My spelling is terrible!
    Credits to half-halfling for my adorable avatar.

    ...............................................

    Come visit the Discussion Thread Index II.
    Looking for a new webcomic to read? Take a look at the Webcomic List.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •