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  1. - Top - End - #1171
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    HalflingRangerGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    In the meantime, it could be added to the other tables for the purposes of rerolls.

    I think it should be the TV Table!
    High Priest of

  2. - Top - End - #1172
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    Well people, you heard the poster. What table shall we think of next? Summoned monster table? Keychain of Creation crossover?

    In the meantime, it could be added to the other tables for the purposes of rerolls.
    Characters from other Shows/Books/Whatevers that Just About Everyone Is Familiar With?

    Characters like Batman, Romeo, Mickey Mouse, what have you.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  3. - Top - End - #1173
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Water-Smurf's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Hot off the press! Next chapter!

    Spoiler
    Show
    Xykon was a believer in enjoying the little things in life. What’s the point of being all-powerful if you get bored?

    Blasting adventurers were one of the enjoyable little things. It was better when they actually posed a challenge, but it was still fun.

    He threw down a meteor swarm, knocking away a halfling that was trying to get into the castle.

    It was more fun to torture Redcloak, though. Maybe he would get a really good reaction out of him. Wasn’t he young for a goblin? Didn’t the Crimson Mantle freeze him in time? Something like that? It was creepy that he stayed so calm most of the time. Maybe he’d eventually blow something in his brain. Imagine how awesome that would look!

    Oh, right. One of the adventurers was shouting at him. Should he listen? Maybe he’d hear something interesting.

    “—But I will not stand by and let you—”

    So much for interesting.

    Xykon made a very fake yawn, floating up to the second story windows of the castle and throwing a practical wall of fireballs down on the adventurers.

    The black, vaguely familiar guy with a sword—Grassblade? Swampsword? Something like that—leapt out of the way, swinging his glorified piece of metal and knocking Xykon’s ankle with it.

    Hey… wait… that actually hurt!

    Oh right. That adventurer kid from the Battle of Azure City. Didn’t he kill him?

    Meh. Revival of adventurers was only to be expected.

    Hey, wait…

    “You’re the adventurer group with the purple-haired snob as a spell caster!”

    Everyone froze up for a moment.

    “Have you been listening to me at all?” the guy with the sword asked, actually sounding exasperated as he raised his blade at the ready.

    “No.” Xykon flew a little higher so his legs were out of the swordsman’s reach. “Hey, if you’re here for it, you’re a little late. My goblin cleric killed it and bound its soul to one of my baubles. Good luck finding it.”

    Not exactly the truth, but it was going to be the truth soon enough…

    “What?”

    Xykon almost laughed out loud at their faces. Most of them froze up a little, eyes wide. The usual reaction when he declared that a loved one was dead and gone—not so different from any others but always fun to see. The swordsman, for his part, actually raised his sword with his eyes smoldering.

    “You know, I somehow doubt that Vaarsuvius would let himself go out without a bang. And even if you’re telling the truth, we can always dig around until we find the stone you put him in and revive him. And we’ll have even more reasons to fight. Haley, snap out of it and get him!”

    Just like that, both the red-headed chick jumped back into action and arrows were practically rained on Xykon.

    He spun up a little. The arrows were having little to no effect. It was rather amusing.

    “Oh, come on. Don’t you want to hear more? The little upstart actually teleported in my main room and expected to be able to handle me. All he or she had were a bunch of flashy party tricks. It was funny to bash it into the ground until it couldn’t even think straight.”

    The attacks were getting a little fiercer, but other than that, there was no reaction.

    “It’s no fun to taunt people when they won’t say anything!” Xykon held out what remained of his hands. “Give me something to work with here! What would get you? Describing the torture? The hopelessness? The part where the little slut started sleeping with the leader of the goblins?”

    “Wait, what was that last part?”

    “Belkar, don’t get distracted! He’s probably just making a bunch of stuff up as he goes along.”

    Xykon gave a skeletal grin. “Hey, I don’t make stuff up about Reddy’s sex life. He’s such a workaholic, he doesn’t have time for one. I guess the elf was part of his work, so it was okay to do him or her.”

    The halfling looked like he was going to gag and the red-haired girl stuck her tongue out in disgust, the most obvious signs of discomfort from the adventurers.

    “Don’t you think it’s an adorable idea? A frigid high cleric of the Dark One with a genderless stuck-up elf?” Xykon cocked his head. “Do you have any idea if it’s a guy or a girl? I have some questions for Reddy now…”

    “Oh will you just shut up?! That’s disgusting!”

    The swordsman jumped up, striking Xykon’s leg hard. The lich spun farther up, wincing a little in pain, but he was grinning. He had successfully goaded the adventurers. Maybe this fight would get more interesting.

    ---

    Vaarsuvius looked up in confusion when Redcloak entered, carelessly leaving the door slightly ajar behind him and therefore not activating the curse that made it impossible for Vaarsuvius to push open or shut. The elf was also confused by the fact that it was still the middle of the day—Redcloak had only visited once or twice during this time.

    The most disturbing thing was the dark expression on Redcloak’s face—well beyond any that Vaarsuvius was used to seeing. Equal only to the brief glimpse the elf had when the goblin had opened up, even if only slightly, about the reason he was so bitter towards humans.

    “Redcloak?” Vaarsuvius stood up, frowning in concern and leaning a little on the wall to help support the weight.

    “Vaarsuvius, I…” Redcloak looked down and tiredly rubbed his temples. “Please don’t get up on my account.”

    “What is wrong?” Vaarsuvius ignored the goblin and walked up to him, lightly placing hands on scaled cheeks. “You are upset.”

    “Please don’t touch me. You’re making this harder.”

    “If I remember correctly, you did not stop touching me when I said the same.” Vaarsuvius frowned and lightly trailed gentle fingers along Redcloak’s scales. “Is there a battle? I believe I can hear it through your wards.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please don’t do this.” Redcloak gripped the elf’s wrists gently, careful to keep his claws from scratching anything, and held Vaarsuvius’s hands away from him. “Don’t be tender. Not now.”

    “I recall hearing this conversation before.” Vaarsuvius’s brow furrowed slightly, lips pursing but voice still soft. “Redcloak, tell me what is wrong. This is not like you.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please…

    To an onlooker, this statement would have sounded irritable and curt. Vaarsuvius’s ears twitched at the sound. To anyone who actually knew Redcloak’s voice, the words were tight with pain.

    Suddenly, Vaarsuvius knew what was supposed to happen.

    “He sent you to kill me, didn’t he?”

    Redcloak took a deep breath, trying to find peace within himself, and averted his gaze, nodding. “And bind your soul.”

    There was silence. The sounds of battle barely filtered into the room, muffled to the point where it could be shrugged off as a drill for the soldiers or a training exercise.

    “Well, there is hardly a decision you must make, is there?”

    Redcloak looked down at his partner’s face in confusion.

    “Your entire life’s work, your purpose, rides on the success of your plan. I’m a detriment to it.” Vaarsuvius’s head cocked slightly, hands slipping out of the goblin’s grip. “The choice should be obvious for you.”

    “Vaarsuvius…”

    “I don’t mean to insult you or deny the power any feelings you have for me hold over you, Redcloak. I am pointing out the obvious. Your goal, no matter what I may think of your ways of achieving it, will always be far more important to you than anything else, myself included.” Vaarsuvius’s arms crossed, face tilting up slightly to meet the goblin’s gaze. “Any indecision you feel now is merely superficial. You know what you will do as well as I do. Perhaps you will be saddened by it, but it won’t matter to you in the long run.”

    “You obviously don’t know me as well as you thought.” Redcloak looked towards the wall. “I remember the people I care about. I remember their deaths, whether it was because of me or not.” His eyes glossed with memories. “I’ve killed too many people I love for this.”

    “You don’t love me, Redcloak, just as I do not love you. We are foolish, but not that foolish.” The words sounded hollow, even to Vaarsuvius. “Don’t postpone the inevitable. It is only painful for both of us. Do it, before we do something else we both will regret.”

    “I…” Redcloak looked at Vaarsuvius, holding up his hand and hesitantly touching the elf’s cheek. “Perhaps if we had been under different circumstances.”

    “Perhaps.”

    Redcloak lowered his hand and took the blade Xykon had given him from his belt. “I’m sorry, Vaarsuvius.”

    “I am sorry as well.”

    The elf’s familiar promptly popped into being and flew right into Redcloak’s face, aiming for the one remaining eye with its claws. The goblin recoiled and tried to hit the bird away, giving Vaarsuvius just enough time to zip forward and snatch the dagger from his hand, hitting him at the base of the back of his head with the hilt as hard as elvenly possible.

    There was an ominous cracking sound and Redcloak crumpled to the floor.

    Vaarsuvius dropped the blade and hurriedly knelt by the goblin and checked his pulse, breathing a small sigh of relief when it was proven that the cracking hadn’t come from Redcloak’s neck.

    “It looks like it came from the hilt of this thing. What kind of cheap material does that when a frickin’ elf with no Strength score uses it once?!” Blackwing perched on the edge of the bed and fluffed his wings. “It’s just bad craftsmanship.”

    Vaarsuvius touched the goblin’s forehead, breathing heavily. “Redcloak knew I would do that…”

    “He practically let you go. Did you notice the open door? I noticed the open door. We should go and use that.”

    “I…” Vaarsuvius’s hand shook slightly as it grasped the broken hilt of the dagger. “I… I should do this first.”

    The elf lightly rested the dagger on Redcloak’s throat, sliding the blade in between the protective scales. “He works for Xykon. If he is gone, a great victory has been won for the forces of good.”

    “Then do it fast, Vaarsuvius. People are going to wonder where he went. He’s not going to stay unconscious forever.”

    Vaarsuvius hesitated.

    “Vaarsuvius, if you’re going to kill him, do it now. If you’re not, get up and start running.”

    The elf nodded tentatively, biting a red lower lip and blinking unusually quickly. “…Yes. I can’t allow my feelings to come before my duty to the world and the Order.”

    Blackwing respectfully looked away and waited for his master.


    *sits back behind bullet-proof glass and waits*
    Last edited by Water-Smurf; 2009-10-16 at 11:35 AM.

    Spoiler
    Show

    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  4. - Top - End - #1174

    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Is Belkar feeling jealousy? GRRR ANGER!

    Bet that's not why you expected to need to glass for.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  5. - Top - End - #1175
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I love the first part.

  6. - Top - End - #1176
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Hot off the press! Next chapter!

    Spoiler
    Show
    Xykon was a believer in enjoying the little things in life. What’s the point of being all-powerful if you get bored?

    Blasting adventurers were one of the enjoyable little things. It was better when they actually posed a challenge, but it was still fun.

    He threw down a meteor swarm, knocking away a halfling that was trying to get into the castle.

    It was more fun to torture Redcloak, though. Maybe he would get a really good reaction out of him. Wasn’t he young for a goblin? Didn’t the Crimson Mantle freeze him in time? Something like that? It was creepy that he stayed so calm most of the time. Maybe he’d eventually blow something in his brain. Imagine how awesome that would look!

    Oh, right. One of the adventurers was shouting at him. Should he listen? Maybe he’d hear something interesting.

    “—But I will not stand by and let you—”

    So much for interesting.

    Xykon made a very fake yawn, floating up to the second story windows of the castle and throwing a practical wall of fireballs down on the adventurers.

    The black, vaguely familiar guy with a sword—Grassblade? Swampsword? Something like that—leapt out of the way, swinging his glorified piece of metal and knocking Xykon’s ankle with it.

    Hey… wait… that actually hurt!

    Oh right. That adventurer kid from the Battle of Azure City. Didn’t he kill him?

    Meh. Revival of adventurers was only to be expected.

    Hey, wait…

    “You’re the adventurer group with the purple-haired snob as a spell caster!”

    Everyone froze up for a moment.

    “Have you been listening to me at all?” the guy with the sword asked, actually sounding exasperated as he raised his blade at the ready.

    “No.” Xykon flew a little higher so his legs were out of the swordsman’s reach. “Hey, if you’re here for it, you’re a little late. My goblin cleric killed it and bound its soul to one of my baubles. Good luck finding it.”

    Not exactly the truth, but it was going to be the truth soon enough…

    “What?”

    Xykon almost laughed out loud at their faces. Most of them froze up a little, eyes wide. The usual reaction when he declared that a loved one was dead and gone—not so different from any others but always fun to see. The swordsman, for his part, actually raised his sword with his eyes smoldering.

    “You know, I somehow doubt that Vaarsuvius would let himself go out without a bang. And even if you’re telling the truth, we can always dig around until we find the stone you put him in and revive him. And we’ll have even more reasons to fight. Haley, snap out of it and get him!”

    Just like that, both the red-headed chick jumped back into action and arrows were practically rained on Xykon.

    He spun up a little. The arrows were having little to no effect. It was rather amusing.

    “Oh, come on. Don’t you want to hear more? The little upstart actually teleported in my main room and expected to be able to handle me. All he or she had were a bunch of flashy party tricks. It was funny to bash it into the ground until it couldn’t even think straight.”

    The attacks were getting a little fiercer, but other than that, there was no reaction.

    “It’s no fun to taunt people when they won’t say anything!” Xykon held out what remained of his hands. “Give me something to work with here! What would get you? Describing the torture? The hopelessness? The part where the little slut started sleeping with the leader of the goblins?”

    “Wait, what was that last part?”

    “Belkar, don’t get distracted! He’s probably just making a bunch of stuff up as he goes along.”

    Xykon gave a skeletal grin. “Hey, I don’t make stuff up about Reddy’s sex life. He’s such a workaholic, he doesn’t have time for one. I guess the elf was part of his work, so it was okay to do him or her.”

    The halfling looked like he was going to gag and the red-haired girl stuck her tongue out in disgust, the most obvious signs of discomfort from the adventurers.

    “Don’t you think it’s an adorable idea? A frigid high cleric of the Dark One with a genderless stuck-up elf?” Xykon cocked his head. “Do you have any idea if it’s a guy or a girl? I have some questions for Reddy now…”

    “Oh will you just shut up?! That’s disgusting!”

    The swordsman jumped up, striking Xykon’s leg hard. The lich spun farther up, wincing a little in pain, but he was grinning. He had successfully goaded the adventurers. Maybe this fight would get more interesting.

    ---

    Vaarsuvius looked up in confusion when Redcloak entered, carelessly leaving the door slightly ajar behind him and therefore not activating the curse that made it impossible for Vaarsuvius to push open or shut. The elf was also confused by the fact that it was still the middle of the day—Redcloak had only visited once or twice during this time.

    The most disturbing thing was the dark expression on Redcloak’s face—well beyond any that Vaarsuvius was used to seeing. Equal only to the brief glimpse the elf had when the goblin had opened up, even if only slightly, about the reason he was so bitter towards humans.

    “Redcloak?” Vaarsuvius stood up, frowning in concern and leaning a little on the wall to help support the weight.

    “Vaarsuvius, I…” Redcloak looked down and tiredly rubbed his temples. “Please don’t get up on my account.”

    “What is wrong?” Vaarsuvius ignored the goblin and walked up to him, lightly placing hands on scaled cheeks. “You are upset.”

    “Please don’t touch me. You’re making this harder.”

    “If I remember correctly, you did not stop touching me when I said the same.” Vaarsuvius frowned and lightly trailed gentle fingers along Redcloak’s scales. “Is there a battle? I believe I can hear it through your wards.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please don’t do this.” Redcloak gripped the elf’s wrists gently, careful to keep his claws from scratching anything, and held Vaarsuvius’s hands away from him. “Don’t be tender. Not now.”

    “I recall hearing this conversation before.” Vaarsuvius’s brow furrowed slightly, lips pursing but voice still soft. “Redcloak, tell me what is wrong. This is not like you.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please…

    To an onlooker, this statement would have sounded irritable and curt. Vaarsuvius’s ears twitched at the sound. To anyone who actually knew Redcloak’s voice, the words were tight with pain.

    Suddenly, Vaarsuvius knew what was supposed to happen.

    “He sent you to kill me, didn’t he?”

    Redcloak took a deep breath, trying to find peace within himself, and averted his gaze, nodding. “And bind your soul.”

    There was silence. The sounds of battle barely filtered into the room, muffled to the point where it could be shrugged off as a drill for the soldiers or a training exercise.

    “Well, there is hardly a decision you must make, is there?”

    Redcloak looked down at his partner’s face in confusion.

    “Your entire life’s work, your purpose, rides on the success of your plan. I’m a detriment to it.” Vaarsuvius’s head cocked slightly, hands slipping out of the goblin’s grip. “The choice should be obvious for you.”

    “Vaarsuvius…”

    “I don’t mean to insult you or deny the power any feelings you have for me hold over you, Redcloak. I am pointing out the obvious. Your goal, no matter what I may think of your ways of achieving it, will always be far more important to you than anything else, myself included.” Vaarsuvius’s arms crossed, face tilting up slightly to meet the goblin’s gaze. “Any indecision you feel now is merely superficial. You know what you will do as well as I do. Perhaps you will be saddened by it, but it won’t matter to you in the long run.”

    “You obviously don’t know me as well as you thought.” Redcloak looked towards the wall. “I remember the people I care about. I remember their deaths, whether or not it was because of me or not.” His eyes glossed with memories. “I’ve killed too many people I love for this.”

    “You don’t love me, Redcloak, just as I do not love you. We are foolish, but not that foolish.” The words sounded hollow, even to Vaarsuvius. “Don’t postpone the inevitable. It is only painful for both of us. Do it, before we do something else we both will regret.”

    “I…” Redcloak looked at Vaarsuvius, holding up his hand and hesitantly touching the elf’s cheek. “Perhaps if we had been under different circumstances.”

    “Perhaps.”

    Redcloak lowered his hand and took the blade Xykon had given him from his belt. “I’m sorry, Vaarsuvius.”

    “I am sorry as well.”

    The elf’s familiar promptly popped into being and flew right into Redcloak’s face, aiming for the one remaining eye with its claws. The goblin recoiled and tried to hit the bird away, giving Vaarsuvius just enough time to zip forward and snatch the dagger from his hand, hitting him at the base of the back of his head with the hilt as hard as elvenly possible.

    There was an ominous cracking sound and Redcloak crumpled to the floor.

    Vaarsuvius dropped the blade and hurriedly knelt by the goblin and checked his pulse, breathing a small sigh of relief when it was proven that the cracking hadn’t come from Redcloak’s neck.

    “It looks like it came from the hilt of this thing. What kind of cheap material does that when a frickin’ elf with no Strength score uses it once?!” Blackwing perched on the edge of the bed and fluffed his wings. “It’s just bad craftsmanship.”

    Vaarsuvius touched the goblin’s forehead, breathing heavily. “Redcloak knew I would do that…”

    “He practically let you go. Did you notice the open door? I noticed the open door. We should go and use that.”

    “I…” Vaarsuvius’s hand shook slightly as it grasped the broken hilt of the dagger. “I… I should do this first.”

    The elf lightly rested the dagger on Redcloak’s throat, sliding the blade in between the protective scales. “He works for Xykon. If he is gone, a great victory has been won for the forces of good.”

    “Then do it fast, Vaarsuvius. People are going to wonder where he went. He’s not going to stay unconscious forever.”


    Vaarsuvius hesitated.

    “Vaarsuvius, if you’re going to kill him, do it now. If you’re not, get up and start running.”

    The elf nodded tentatively, biting a red lower lip and blinking unusually quickly. “…Yes. I can’t allow my feelings to come before my duty to the world and the Order.”

    Blackwing respectfully looked away and waited for his master.


    *sits back behind bullet-proof glass and waits*
    Awww, way to Joss my theory that someone was going to walk in on them kissing.

    But that was awesomesauce, as per usual.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  7. - Top - End - #1177
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Silverraptor's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Another cliff hanger. Another time spent as secret service agent of story writer protection.

    Great story by the was Water-Smurf
    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

    *Avatar by Me*

  8. - Top - End - #1178
    Banned
     
    Jokasti's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Definitely Keychain of Creation. DO EET!

  9. - Top - End - #1179
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I knew V wouldn't give up without a fight. All in all, I love the characterisation, Water-Smurf. For a moment there I was worried V would leave without dwelling on the possibility of Coup-de-Grace-ing the enemy priest, but I needn't have worried.

    Oh boy. A hell of a decision to make.

    One little thing: Revival of adventurers isn't much more difficult than revival of villains. If V's actually going to ensure that Redcloak is GONE gone, he's going to have to get rid of the body somehow. Or at least mutilate it. Eek.
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-10-16 at 04:49 AM.
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
    My old OotS fanart
    My art on Instagram

  10. - Top - End - #1180
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Taekwondodo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Hot off the press! Next chapter!

    Spoiler
    Show
    Xykon was a believer in enjoying the little things in life. What’s the point of being all-powerful if you get bored?

    Blasting adventurers were one of the enjoyable little things. It was better when they actually posed a challenge, but it was still fun.

    He threw down a meteor swarm, knocking away a halfling that was trying to get into the castle.

    It was more fun to torture Redcloak, though. Maybe he would get a really good reaction out of him. Wasn’t he young for a goblin? Didn’t the Crimson Mantle freeze him in time? Something like that? It was creepy that he stayed so calm most of the time. Maybe he’d eventually blow something in his brain. Imagine how awesome that would look!

    Oh, right. One of the adventurers was shouting at him. Should he listen? Maybe he’d hear something interesting.

    “—But I will not stand by and let you—”

    So much for interesting.

    Xykon made a very fake yawn, floating up to the second story windows of the castle and throwing a practical wall of fireballs down on the adventurers.

    The black, vaguely familiar guy with a sword—Grassblade? Swampsword? Something like that—leapt out of the way, swinging his glorified piece of metal and knocking Xykon’s ankle with it.

    Hey… wait… that actually hurt!

    Oh right. That adventurer kid from the Battle of Azure City. Didn’t he kill him?

    Meh. Revival of adventurers was only to be expected.

    Hey, wait…

    “You’re the adventurer group with the purple-haired snob as a spell caster!”

    Everyone froze up for a moment.

    “Have you been listening to me at all?” the guy with the sword asked, actually sounding exasperated as he raised his blade at the ready.

    “No.” Xykon flew a little higher so his legs were out of the swordsman’s reach. “Hey, if you’re here for it, you’re a little late. My goblin cleric killed it and bound its soul to one of my baubles. Good luck finding it.”

    Not exactly the truth, but it was going to be the truth soon enough…

    “What?”

    Xykon almost laughed out loud at their faces. Most of them froze up a little, eyes wide. The usual reaction when he declared that a loved one was dead and gone—not so different from any others but always fun to see. The swordsman, for his part, actually raised his sword with his eyes smoldering.

    “You know, I somehow doubt that Vaarsuvius would let himself go out without a bang. And even if you’re telling the truth, we can always dig around until we find the stone you put him in and revive him. And we’ll have even more reasons to fight. Haley, snap out of it and get him!”

    Just like that, both the red-headed chick jumped back into action and arrows were practically rained on Xykon.

    He spun up a little. The arrows were having little to no effect. It was rather amusing.

    “Oh, come on. Don’t you want to hear more? The little upstart actually teleported in my main room and expected to be able to handle me. All he or she had were a bunch of flashy party tricks. It was funny to bash it into the ground until it couldn’t even think straight.”

    The attacks were getting a little fiercer, but other than that, there was no reaction.

    “It’s no fun to taunt people when they won’t say anything!” Xykon held out what remained of his hands. “Give me something to work with here! What would get you? Describing the torture? The hopelessness? The part where the little slut started sleeping with the leader of the goblins?”

    “Wait, what was that last part?”

    “Belkar, don’t get distracted! He’s probably just making a bunch of stuff up as he goes along.”

    Xykon gave a skeletal grin. “Hey, I don’t make stuff up about Reddy’s sex life. He’s such a workaholic, he doesn’t have time for one. I guess the elf was part of his work, so it was okay to do him or her.”

    The halfling looked like he was going to gag and the red-haired girl stuck her tongue out in disgust, the most obvious signs of discomfort from the adventurers.

    “Don’t you think it’s an adorable idea? A frigid high cleric of the Dark One with a genderless stuck-up elf?” Xykon cocked his head. “Do you have any idea if it’s a guy or a girl? I have some questions for Reddy now…”

    “Oh will you just shut up?! That’s disgusting!”

    The swordsman jumped up, striking Xykon’s leg hard. The lich spun farther up, wincing a little in pain, but he was grinning. He had successfully goaded the adventurers. Maybe this fight would get more interesting.

    ---

    Vaarsuvius looked up in confusion when Redcloak entered, carelessly leaving the door slightly ajar behind him and therefore not activating the curse that made it impossible for Vaarsuvius to push open or shut. The elf was also confused by the fact that it was still the middle of the day—Redcloak had only visited once or twice during this time.

    The most disturbing thing was the dark expression on Redcloak’s face—well beyond any that Vaarsuvius was used to seeing. Equal only to the brief glimpse the elf had when the goblin had opened up, even if only slightly, about the reason he was so bitter towards humans.

    “Redcloak?” Vaarsuvius stood up, frowning in concern and leaning a little on the wall to help support the weight.

    “Vaarsuvius, I…” Redcloak looked down and tiredly rubbed his temples. “Please don’t get up on my account.”

    “What is wrong?” Vaarsuvius ignored the goblin and walked up to him, lightly placing hands on scaled cheeks. “You are upset.”

    “Please don’t touch me. You’re making this harder.”

    “If I remember correctly, you did not stop touching me when I said the same.” Vaarsuvius frowned and lightly trailed gentle fingers along Redcloak’s scales. “Is there a battle? I believe I can hear it through your wards.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please don’t do this.” Redcloak gripped the elf’s wrists gently, careful to keep his claws from scratching anything, and held Vaarsuvius’s hands away from him. “Don’t be tender. Not now.”

    “I recall hearing this conversation before.” Vaarsuvius’s brow furrowed slightly, lips pursing but voice still soft. “Redcloak, tell me what is wrong. This is not like you.”

    “Vaarsuvius, please…

    To an onlooker, this statement would have sounded irritable and curt. Vaarsuvius’s ears twitched at the sound. To anyone who actually knew Redcloak’s voice, the words were tight with pain.

    Suddenly, Vaarsuvius knew what was supposed to happen.

    “He sent you to kill me, didn’t he?”

    Redcloak took a deep breath, trying to find peace within himself, and averted his gaze, nodding. “And bind your soul.”

    There was silence. The sounds of battle barely filtered into the room, muffled to the point where it could be shrugged off as a drill for the soldiers or a training exercise.

    “Well, there is hardly a decision you must make, is there?”

    Redcloak looked down at his partner’s face in confusion.

    “Your entire life’s work, your purpose, rides on the success of your plan. I’m a detriment to it.” Vaarsuvius’s head cocked slightly, hands slipping out of the goblin’s grip. “The choice should be obvious for you.”

    “Vaarsuvius…”

    “I don’t mean to insult you or deny the power any feelings you have for me hold over you, Redcloak. I am pointing out the obvious. Your goal, no matter what I may think of your ways of achieving it, will always be far more important to you than anything else, myself included.” Vaarsuvius’s arms crossed, face tilting up slightly to meet the goblin’s gaze. “Any indecision you feel now is merely superficial. You know what you will do as well as I do. Perhaps you will be saddened by it, but it won’t matter to you in the long run.”

    “You obviously don’t know me as well as you thought.” Redcloak looked towards the wall. “I remember the people I care about. I remember their deaths, whether or not it was because of me or not.” His eyes glossed with memories. “I’ve killed too many people I love for this.”

    “You don’t love me, Redcloak, just as I do not love you. We are foolish, but not that foolish.” The words sounded hollow, even to Vaarsuvius. “Don’t postpone the inevitable. It is only painful for both of us. Do it, before we do something else we both will regret.”

    “I…” Redcloak looked at Vaarsuvius, holding up his hand and hesitantly touching the elf’s cheek. “Perhaps if we had been under different circumstances.”

    “Perhaps.”

    Redcloak lowered his hand and took the blade Xykon had given him from his belt. “I’m sorry, Vaarsuvius.”

    “I am sorry as well.”

    The elf’s familiar promptly popped into being and flew right into Redcloak’s face, aiming for the one remaining eye with its claws. The goblin recoiled and tried to hit the bird away, giving Vaarsuvius just enough time to zip forward and snatch the dagger from his hand, hitting him at the base of the back of his head with the hilt as hard as elvenly possible.

    There was an ominous cracking sound and Redcloak crumpled to the floor.

    Vaarsuvius dropped the blade and hurriedly knelt by the goblin and checked his pulse, breathing a small sigh of relief when it was proven that the cracking hadn’t come from Redcloak’s neck.

    “It looks like it came from the hilt of this thing. What kind of cheap material does that when a frickin’ elf with no Strength score uses it once?!” Blackwing perched on the edge of the bed and fluffed his wings. “It’s just bad craftsmanship.”

    Vaarsuvius touched the goblin’s forehead, breathing heavily. “Redcloak knew I would do that…”

    “He practically let you go. Did you notice the open door? I noticed the open door. We should go and use that.”

    “I…” Vaarsuvius’s hand shook slightly as it grasped the broken hilt of the dagger. “I… I should do this first.”

    The elf lightly rested the dagger on Redcloak’s throat, sliding the blade in between the protective scales. “He works for Xykon. If he is gone, a great victory has been won for the forces of good.”

    “Then do it fast, Vaarsuvius. People are going to wonder where he went. He’s not going to stay unconscious forever.”

    Vaarsuvius hesitated.

    “Vaarsuvius, if you’re going to kill him, do it now. If you’re not, get up and start running.”

    The elf nodded tentatively, biting a red lower lip and blinking unusually quickly. “…Yes. I can’t allow my feelings to come before my duty to the world and the Order.”

    Blackwing respectfully looked away and waited for his master.


    *sits back behind bullet-proof glass and waits*
    Gosh this just keeps getting better and better! Way to go Water-Smurf!
    Avatar by me...yup that's how good my drawing is. As in not very good.

    Crack-Pairings, Not Dead Just Moved. Someone Hasn't Been Looking In The Right Places.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Caleniel View Post
    Taekwondodo - your nick and your avatar are terrific. I want to award you something... how about enough melons to see you through the next ice age?

  11. - Top - End - #1181
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Hot off the press! Next chapter!
    Poor V.

    And poor Reddy.

    Vaarsuvius dropped the blade and hurriedly knelt by the goblin and checked his pulse, breathing a small sigh of relief when it was proven that the cracking hadn’t come from Redcloak’s neck.
    Somehow, I really doubt that V will be able to bring hirself to kill him, at least not unless V has some other plan. Besides, even if he is killed here, it's almost certain that one of his clerics will just pop round with a raise dead spell later. V currently has no way of preventing this happening, not unless RC has a Soulbind scroll...

    But mostly, it's because leaving the door open for V showed that he trusted V not to kill him if this situation arose. (Although he probably expected V to make a run for it rather than knocking him out )
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-10-16 at 10:25 AM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  12. - Top - End - #1182
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Despite what I said in my last post, I really hope V gets a happy ending. I don't care much about Redcloak though. Wonderful update! I loved Xykon being himself and not caring about what Roy was saying until it actually interested him.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  13. - Top - End - #1183
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Despite what I said in my last post, I really hope V gets a happy ending. I don't care much about Redcloak though. Wonderful update! I loved Xykon being himself and not caring about what Roy was saying until it actually interested him.
    But what would constitute as a happy ending?
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  14. - Top - End - #1184
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    That's an excellent question.

    Miko is dead, so unless Vaarsuvius dies and ends up in her afterlife, this isn't going to happen.

    I guess that V living while Team Evil loses (or at least those whop want V dead, personally) qualifies. The goblins suddenly becoming equal with the elves in the original gods's eyes would be pushing it though.

    And something about Xykon I realized; he might be a little too cocky for a lich who lost its phylactery when there is an angry mid-level fighter with a +5 against main antagonist sword, though maybe he's just bluffing.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  15. - Top - End - #1185
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    Miko is dead, so unless Vaarsuvius dies and ends up in her afterlife, this isn't going to happen.
    Not every V shipping fic is a VxMiko fic.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  16. - Top - End - #1186
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    WhiteWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    The dead are back and are feeling frisky. Right in time for Halloween. Contains a list of people dead (or at least presumed dead) and not already listed.

    Dead Guy List -Made By MReav
    1. Samantha
    2. Sangwaan
    3. Hobgoblin General
    4. Azure City General
    5. Death Knight
    6. Huecva
    7. Trigak
    8. Earth Dungeon Guardian
    9. Fire Dungeon Guardian
    10. Kraagor
    11. Mijung
    12. Eugene Greenhilt
    13. Old Blind Pete
    14. Giant Devil
    15. Buggy-Lou
    16. Isamu.
    17. Roll Again on a different table
    18. Roll Again Twice
    19. Roll Again and Switch Gender
    20. Roll again. If you roll this option twice in a row: Eastern Pantheon and World 1.0


    Deciding a couple of choices were in bad taste, edited.
    Last edited by MReav; 2009-10-18 at 11:06 AM. Reason: Realized I put a living pantheon.

  17. - Top - End - #1187
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    HalflingRangerGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Jokasti View Post
    Definitely Keychain of Creation.
    ...what is Keychain of Creation anyway?
    High Priest of

  18. - Top - End - #1188
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by ClericOfBelker View Post
    ...what is Keychain of Creation anyway?
    Aha! Auspicious Enlightment Attitude!

    Basically, KoC is a web comic that uses the Burlewesque style to tell the story of an adventuring party in the Exalted game setting. It is lower on mechanics jokes than OotS, but has more dramatic scenes and super powered action.

    It's actually very VERY wellwritten, and just as consistently awesome as OotS. Read it. you'll be glad you did.

    Here's the first page.

    *Now resumes your ordinary schedule*
    Last edited by Weimann; 2009-10-16 at 06:47 PM.
    Quoth the raven, "Polly wants a cracker."

    Pony avatar by the Great and Powerful DirtyTabs. Lotsa hugs!

    Scourge Caste avatar by the illustrious Akrim.elf. Thank you!

  19. - Top - End - #1189
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I got a plot bunny!

    CrystalxVaarsuvius with a LOT of stuff "helping" them:

    Spoiler
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    Crystal had slept with a lot of people in her time. Lots of different species as well. Let's just say there was a reason Bozzok liked her, and it wasn't just her skills with a dagger.

    But for all that, there was one species she had never slept with, and that was an elf. Everyone knew that getting with an elf, of all humanoids, was the hardest thing to do, and anyone who managed to do so in the Thieves' Guild wore it like a badge of honor. At the social gatherings, any guy who bragged, "Guess what guys, I boned an elf last night!" quickly earned the envy of everyone else there; when Matt Silver proved that he had had a threesome with two elf sisters, he was instantly dubbed "The Luckiest Bastard On The Face Of The Planet". And how many elves had Crystal done the Horizontal Samba with? None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

    Until now, that is. The purple-haired elf--Vaarsuvius--Finally seemed like he (She? It? Not that it mattered, she could find a way to bang it regardless of gender) was about to succumb. It took an entire night of flirting, groping, drinking, the showing off of frilly lace and tight leather dominatrix outfits (Complete with whip!) and finally, an entire store's worth of love potions (Maximum strength), but the barely-conscious elf was now clumsily making out with her, groping her, and motioning back to her room.

    "...Bull's Strength...Cat's Grace...Bear's Endurance," the elf intoned while undressing her. Crystal grinned wickedly. A wizard, huh...She just got a demonically good idea.

    "Hey, Vasuvie or whatever, just so you know, I like it rough."

    "...Okay then...Animate Rope...Busby's Grasping Hand...Ev--Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion..."

    Crystal did a double-take on the last one. "...Kinky. Well, Elfsuvius, let's have some fun!"

  20. - Top - End - #1190
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Spoiler
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    Crystal had slept with a lot of people in her time. Lots of different species as well. Let's just say there was a reason Bozzok liked her, and it wasn't just her skills with a dagger.

    But for all that, there was one species she had never slept with, and that was an elf. Everyone knew that getting with an elf, of all humanoids, was the hardest thing to do, and anyone who managed to do so in the Thieves' Guild wore it like a badge of honor. At the social gatherings, any guy who bragged, "Guess what guys, I boned an elf last night!" quickly earned the envy of everyone else there; when Matt Silver proved that he had had a threesome with two elf sisters, he was instantly dubbed "The Luckiest Bastard On The Face Of The Planet". And how many elves had Crystal done the Horizontal Samba with? None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

    Until now, that is. The purple-haired elf--Vaarsuvius--Finally seemed like he (She? It? Not that it mattered, she could find a way to bang it regardless of gender) was about to succumb. It took an entire night of flirting, groping, drinking, the showing off of frilly lace and tight leather dominatrix outfits (Complete with whip!) and finally, an entire store's worth of love potions (Maximum strength), but the barely-conscious elf was now clumsily making out with her, groping her, and motioning back to her room.

    "...Bull's Strength...Cat's Grace...Bear's Endurance," the elf intoned while undressing her. Crystal grinned wickedly. A wizard, huh...She just got a demonically good idea.

    "Hey, Vasuvie or whatever, just so you know, I like it rough."

    "...Okay then...Animate Rope...Busby's Grasping Hand...Ev--Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion..."

    Crystal did a double-take on the last one. "...Kinky. Well, Elfsuvius, let's have some fun!"
    Does it make me a bad person that I'm laughing?

    Anyway, I have a new story and some explanation. The following story is the first half or so of a RedcloakXTsukiko pairing that was originally intended to be a subplot in my ElanXVaarsuvius story. But I was having intense writer's block with ElanxV, and having an even harder time writing dialogue than I normally do, and was having such an easy time, and so many ideas for, the TsukikoxRedcloak plot, that I eventually gave up, wrote ElanxV out, and made the former sideplot the mainplot. That was a run-on sentence if ever there was one.

    Anywho, here's this. Please offer feedback, even if it sucks. Especially if it sucks.

    Spoiler
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    Tsukiko’s sister had once given her advice regarding liking boys. She’d said no straight boy, no matter who he was, would be able to ignore a pretty girl in a revealing top. Of course, her sister had been fairly overweight and took most of her romantic cues from cheap seaport romances with titles like “The Ace of Midnight” or “Sins Of the Heart.”

    But it was worth a shot. Ever since she had met Redcloak, Tsukiko’s tops had been getting progressively less shirt-like, and quite decidedly more underwear-like. She was at the end of her wits. It had never exactly been difficult to get a corpse to sleep with you, but still-living carbon-based life forms were proving difficult. If the shirt she was wearing today didn’t catch his attention, then clearly Xykon was right about Jirix and Reddy being an item.

    ----

    Redcloak was very distracted that day. His heart hadn’t been in the cold-blooded torture, and he’d had to let Jirix take over. And watching your prisoners being tortured by your underlings just didn’t bring the same amount of emotional fulfillment and revenge on humans.

    And speaking of humans, Tsukiko had chosen to wear a shirt that was just on this side of decency. It was a shirt in principle, really, not in practice. It was her fault he couldn’t focus. And he could tell she was taking tremendous satisfaction watching him watch her out of the corner of his eye.

    As it was, he’d have to remind her of the “Appropriate Dress For the Work Day” section of the employees’ handbook. Which, given her petulance, would be about as effective as politely asking Xykon to be a little nicer.

    It was going to be a long day.

    ----

    “Tsukiko! I need a word with you before you leave!”

    Grinning like the Cheshire Cat, Tsukiko turned. “Yes?” she asked, innocently.

    “Don’t play stupid with me, Tsukiko. You know why we’re having this conversation.”

    “I can’t imagine why, Reddy,” she said, still grinning.

    “Because of your shirt. And don’t call me Reddy.”

    Her grin got even bigger, somehow. “Do you like it?” she asked suggestively.

    “No.” Her face fell a little. “It may have escaped your notice, but this is a job. You are paid to work here. This is a respectable evil empire, and as of late, your clothing has simply not been workplace appropriate. If you cannot dress in a manner that reflects the values of this corporation, you may stay home until you can.”

    “Did you get that from the employee handbook?”

    “Word-for-word. It’s just as well, I wrote it.”

    She sighed in an overly dramatic fashion. “I guess Xykon was right.”

    “About what?”

    “He said you and Jirix are a couple.”

    If Redcloak had been drinking something, he would have done a spittake. “What?”

    Tsukiko gave him a look of incredulity. “You’re pretty oblivious, aren’t you?”

    “No I’m not! I’m way older than I look, Tsukiko, I think I know more than you.”

    She sighed again. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

    “Get what?”

    She answered by way of a kiss. All of his eloquence and ability to speak were stripped away. “..Uh...duhhhhhh.”

    She giggled. “You’re so cute when you’re stunned speechless.” She kissed him again on the nose, and left Redcloak standing in the middle of the room, slack-jawed and with his mind reeling.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  21. - Top - End - #1191
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Come on, that is funny. Especially the commentary about the alleged "shirt".

    And no, you are not supposed to feel bad. The crack pairings I do are supposed to be funny!

  22. - Top - End - #1192
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    Dead Guy List -Made By MReav
    1. Samantha
    2. Sangwaan
    3. Hobgoblin General
    4. Azure City General
    5. Death Knight
    6. Huecva
    7. Trigak
    8. Lirian
    9. Right Eye (optional reroll if you don't have SoD)
    10. Kraagor
    11. Mijung
    12. Eugene Greenhilt
    13. Old Blind Pete
    14. Giant Devil
    15. Choir of the Damned member
    16. Previous Crimson Mantle Bearer.
    17. Roll Again on a different table
    18. Roll Again Twice
    19. Roll Again and Switch Gender
    20. Roll again. If you roll this option twice in a row: Western Pantheon and World 1.0


    Deciding a couple of choices were in bad taste, edited.
    Who's Mijung...Soon Kim's wife? By the way, if you have Lirian, you should have Dorukon (or is he, like Miko and Crystal, already in another table?) Oh-and maybe Isamu (the Resistance member who got turned into a Wight) should be in there.
    Last edited by Raging Gene Ray; 2009-10-16 at 10:54 PM.

  23. - Top - End - #1193
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    WhiteWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by Raging Gene Ray View Post
    Who's Mijung...Soon Kim's wife? By the way, if you have Lirian, you should have Dorukon (or is he, like Miko and Crystal, already in another table?) Oh-and maybe Isamu (the Resistance member who got turned into a Wight) should be in there.
    Yes, Mijung is Soon's wife. Dorukon is already on table 3. Replaced Crimson Mantle Bearer with Isamu.

  24. - Top - End - #1194
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Wait, but
    Spoiler
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    Isn't Lirian's soul bound to that black gem? Along with Dorukan's?

    And Mijung's gone. Poof. Her soul's destroyed.

    I'm just saying that "Afterlife crack pairings" can't include them.
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-10-17 at 09:11 PM.

  25. - Top - End - #1195
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    Wait, but
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    Isn't Lirian's soul bound to that black gem? Along with Dorukan's?

    And Mijung's gone. Poof. Her soul's destroyed.

    I'm just saying that "Afterlife crack pairings" can't include them.
    Time Travel, parallel universes or dopplegangers.

    Spoiler
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    Also, I assumed that Lirian and Dorukan's souls were released when his castle (and therefore the gem that contained them) blew up.
    Last edited by MReav; 2009-10-17 at 10:30 PM.

  26. - Top - End - #1196
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    Time Travel, parallel universes or dopplegangers.

    Spoiler
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    Also, I assumed that Lirian and Dorukan's souls were released when his castle (and therefore the gem that contained them) blew up.
    First, you should spoiler that. Like how I did in your quote.

    Second,
    Spoiler
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    They were probably in Xykon's spare robes that he changed into when he got his body back. I know Rich will do something like this.
    My own webcomic. Idiosyncrasy.
    Paladin Academy: Chapter 2 Part 28

    *Avatar by Me*

  27. - Top - End - #1197
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Guys, the whole point is to get Crack Fic options, the crackier the better.

  28. - Top - End - #1198

    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Are those SoD spoilers?

    You should say so, so nobody else reads them without having read the book, like I did...

    If not, continue as you are.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  29. - Top - End - #1199
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    Are those SoD spoilers?

    You should say so, so nobody else reads them without having read the book, like I did...

    If not, continue as you are.
    There is one character that is from SoD, he is referenced once in this comic.

    There, switched the SoD reference for Buggy-Lou.
    Last edited by MReav; 2009-10-18 at 10:07 AM.

  30. - Top - End - #1200

    Default Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

    I was actually talking about the spoilers like these:

    Quote Originally Posted by MReav View Post
    Spoiler
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    Also, I assumed that Lirian and Dorukan's souls were released when his castle (and therefore the gem that contained them) blew up.
    Sorry, I'm just paranoid...

    ...and fevers don't help quell that...
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

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