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  1. - Top - End - #511
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Hey, someone poisoned my plot bunnies. Wanna give me some?

  2. - Top - End - #512
    Titan in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Yeah, how 'bout letting us know what happens next to the body-swapped Order of the Stick?


    Quick question:

    What sort of spells can V use offensively in large amounts? I play 4e, where most spells are At-Will or Encounter, so I don't know how "preparing" spells and all that works...

    Then again... Ah, nevermind. One of the jokes I had planned actually answers that question... Still, what sort of spells can V sling in large amounts? Magic Missile, Lightning Bolt, and...?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  3. - Top - End - #513
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I have no idea what any of this means. Bandwidth? Hotlinking? What?

    (This is where my lack of programming know-how shows.)
    In captain dummy-talk, then:Every time you view an image on the web, someone had to pay for you to do so, for the server space and similar. Photobucket is willing to shoulder some of the costs, because doing so gets people coming to their site, but only so much per person per month. Using someone else's images from their account can run them over their allotted amount, breaking all their images. That's called hotlinking.

    Edit:Fireball and Lightning Bolt s/he gets up to appx 6 times per day. S/he probably only has 1-2 of each, though. At this point, use the character stats thread, then assume any spell of 4th level or lower is basically per encounter.
    Last edited by Sstoopidtallkid; 2009-11-09 at 04:27 PM.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
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    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  4. - Top - End - #514
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Sstoopidtallkid View Post
    In captain dummy-talk, then:Every time you view an image on the web, someone had to pay for you to do so, for the server space and similar. Photobucket is willing to shoulder some of the costs, because doing so gets people coming to their site, but only so much per person per month. Using someone else's images from their account can run them over their allotted amount, breaking all their images. That's called hotlinking.
    ...I'm still not quite sure what hotlinking is, though I now know why it's bad.

    Spoiler
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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  5. - Top - End - #515

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    ...I'm still not quite sure what hotlinking is, though I now know why it's bad.
    Taking the image and linking to the original host, I think.

    I remember the sysops complaining over at Bulbapedia because people were hotlinking to their images, and it was using up all their bandwidth.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  6. - Top - End - #516
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    My mom just came in on me with a midlife crisis ("Remember how you PROMISED me you'd have three kids for me to raise??? You ARE going to have kids, right???"), so I sort of showed her (and my dad, who's trying to catch up on OotS and could thus recognise the characters) the V x RC baby picture to reassure her. She d'awwwed. Upon further study, their reactions were as follows:

    Mom: ...Why is the goblin trying to gauge the baby's eye out?
    Dad: Because the goblin is one-eyed, and the baby isn't.

    I rolled on the floor for five minutes. XD

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    I have no idea what any of this means. Bandwidth? Hotlinking? What?

    (This is where my lack of programming know-how shows.)
    It all goes back to where all our images come from.

    You see, when a mommy image and a papa image fall in love, they

    You see, all images are stored somewhere, right? When we upload a picture, we first have to find a place to host it in the internet (there are free hosting sites). Only when it's been stored can we link to that image and show it in other places in the internet.

    Bandwidth is how much the stored image has been "summoned", so to speak. Every time someone loads up a page with banners on it, all those banners have to be summoned from their hosting places again. Thus bandwidth is used up. Once the bandwidth allowance (usually monthly) for your hosting site has been used up, the images stop appearing.

    Hotlinking is when you use a picture that's hosted on someone else's account. Therefore, every extra time a picture is loaded because YOU put it in YOUR sig or forum post or whatever, the bandwidth of the original owner is used up. So, keeping your own bandwidth expenses to yourself is recommended.

    And "hotlinking" because, well, the links get hot with use when people link to the original host all the time.

    Ninja'd to death, but what the hell. :D
    Last edited by Kaytara; 2009-11-09 at 04:34 PM.
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  7. - Top - End - #517
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ninja View Post
    How can anything be semi-omnipotent? Omnipotent being is in fact, something that is able do ANYTHING. How can anything be half of that? Half-able? Or able of half-anything?
    Their are other beings who are equally powerful, and area's where there power is in fact negligible. More then one being cannot be omnipotent, as omnipotent, by it's very definition means 'all powerful,' and if anything else is likewise omnipotent then neither are actually omnipotent.

    For instance, the Immortal Emperor of Mankind is at least as powerful as all four (He's basically Jesus's charisma and holyness crossed with Atilla the Hun, and consumes tens of thousands of psychicers every day. There is a good reason for this, but...)

    Quote Originally Posted by MasamuneSSX View Post
    Cracklord - while I bow to your superb penmanship, I worry about you. A lot.
    Oh, that's so sweet.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Odor View Post
    Everybodys stuff is great. Cracklord is creepier then ever. Do not kill me.
    Hmmm. This is a lot more fun then shipping Durkon Lien, I must say.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sstoopidtallkid View Post
    Also, does anyone know of a Demon Prince or Evil God of alcohol?
    Probably under Gra'zz't's profile. He's about hedonism, though generally more sexual then drugs.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    Soooo... I want to work on the V x Cain story. But I'm afraid it will fail horribly, or no one will actually read it.
    Never.

    Just post stuff and it will be read. By me at the very least.
    Last edited by Cracklord; 2009-11-09 at 04:45 PM.
    Nadir We,
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    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  8. - Top - End - #518
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Alrighty, then. How do you not hotlink and still have the image?

    And I need to know something else before I can finish my story...

    Spoiler
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    How did Right-Eye act, especially with his kids? Was he patient? Brusque? What were his mannerisms? Any quirks in his speech? Any possible examples? I'd consult SoD, but I'm trying to leave something for my parents to get me for Christmas, so I'm holding off on getting it.

    Spoiler
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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  9. - Top - End - #519

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Alrighty, then. How do you not hotlink and still have the image?
    I... have no idea. <.<

    I think the best thing is just download and upload so you use your own bandwidth instead.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  10. - Top - End - #520
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Alrighty, then. How do you not hotlink and still have the image?
    Go to Photobucket.com. Sign up for a free account. Upload to them, then link from there.
    And I need to know something else before I can finish my story...

    Spoiler
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    How did Right-Eye act, especially with his kids? Was he patient? Brusque? What were his mannerisms? Any quirks in his speech? Any possible examples? I'd consult SoD, but I'm trying to leave something for my parents to get me for Christmas, so I'm holding off on getting it.
    Loving father, wasn't happy that his son wanted to be a Wizard instead of a Fighter, liked taking his kids to the circus.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
    Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  11. - Top - End - #521
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    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Alrighty, then. How do you not hotlink and still have the image?

    And I need to know something else before I can finish my story...

    Spoiler
    Show
    How did Right-Eye act, especially with his kids? Was he patient? Brusque? What were his mannerisms? Any quirks in his speech? Any possible examples? I'd consult SoD, but I'm trying to leave something for my parents to get me for Christmas, so I'm holding off on getting it.
    He was very affectionate. It's obvious he really cared about his kids, but wasn't going to let them get away with screwing around, but was perhaps more lenient than their mother would have been. If you've seen the Incredibles, he was kind of like Mr. Incredible, or maybe Carl at the end of Up.

    Why yes, I love Pixar, why do you ask?

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  12. - Top - End - #522
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    For instance, the Immortal Emperor of Mankind is at least as powerful as all four (He's basically Jesus's charisma and holyness crossed with Atilla the Hun, and consumes tens of thousands of psychicers every day. There is a good reason for this, but...)
    Not to mention the fact that if his power wavered but for a moment, all the universe would be instantly consumed in a profane orgy of ungodly carnage, vile plagues, unchecked hedonism, and twisted arcane power.

    Never.

    Just post stuff and it will be read. By me at the very least.
    Aw, thanks. Thats nice to know... As long as one person is willing to read it, its a worthy cause!


    *ponder ponder ponder*

    I just need to figure out a few small details, and then I'll begin work on the first chapter. ^_^
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  13. - Top - End - #523

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    orgy
    Your choice of words entertains my immature mind.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  14. - Top - End - #524
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Dark Fiddler View Post
    Your choice of words entertains my immature mind.
    Eh, Orgy is the right word. The entire point of worshiping Slaanesh is: No inhibitions. At all. You enjoy drink, spend every second drinking, you enjoy sex, you guessed it. You take drugs, become a masochist, and become so perverted it doesn't even bear thinking about.

    Everyone looses control of their passion. Poets create masterpieces that blaze hot trails across the imagination, then cut out their eyes to find out what blindness really feels like. Artist produce masterpieces, then cut themselves open and paint on with their lifesblood. Lovers tangle in the throes of passion, then kill each other over minor slights.

    Seriously, it's a very, very cruel cult.

    Quote Originally Posted by Water-Smurf View Post
    Alrighty, then. How do you not hotlink and still have the image?

    And I need to know something else before I can finish my story...

    Spoiler
    Show
    How did Right-Eye act, especially with his kids? Was he patient? Brusque? What were his mannerisms? Any quirks in his speech? Any possible examples? I'd consult SoD, but I'm trying to leave something for my parents to get me for Christmas, so I'm holding off on getting it.
    He seemed a very good father, actually. Listened, caring, was a bit hurt about their choice of class but didn't let it bother him too much, and made an effort to bond with them.
    Last edited by Cracklord; 2009-11-09 at 05:34 PM.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  15. - Top - End - #525
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kaytara's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Right-Eye was partially afraid that a goblin arcane spellcaster would be used as part of Redcloak's Plan.
    *Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
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  16. - Top - End - #526
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    MindFlayer

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    Vaarsuvius, Master of the Arcane x Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium

    --- Chapter 1 ---

    Spoiler
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    After many long months, the Order of the Stick was finally back together. And they'd made great progress towards discovering the location of the next gate. They now found themselves in the midst of a sprawling desert, setting up camp as evening rapidly approached. It did not take long for the tents and campfire to be prepared, and the group soon found themselves sitting down around the campfire for dinner. Elan, it turned out, was as good as cooking as he was singing. (: At least it's edible...) As the group enjoyed their "delicious" supper, they discussed various things that had occured during their seperation. The topic eventually turned towards Vaarsuvius, and her attempts to find her lost friends...

    "So lemme get this straight," Haley arched an eyebrow at her Elven friend, "You spent months trying to find us with magic, even at the cost of your own health?"

    "Among other things..." Vaarsuvius sighed.

    "Gee, Ears, I didn't know ya cared that much..." Belkar flashed a friendly grin that seemed genuine, yet at the same time mischevious...

    "Aye, she work'd fer days an' nights ta find ya'll..." Durkon nodded.

    "You should have seen some of the cool stuff she did!" Elan waved his arms excitedly. "Like the time she blew up the kitchen trying to create a special potion!"

    "Thanks, Elan..." Vaarsuvius sighed, allowing her forehead to rest in the palm of her hand. "I am happy to know my failed experiments granted you entertainment..."

    "Aw, don't feel bad, V!" Elan tried to comfort his friend. "You did your best, and you did come up with a few nifty spells and ideas. I don't know many wizards who can come up with ideas for their own spells, let alone make them!"

    "He obviously doesn't know many wizards..." Belkar snickered, which earned him an elbow in the ribs from Haley.

    "Thank you, Elan..." a small smile flickered across V's features for a brief moment. The last few months were still a touchy subject for her, even if one did not factor in the events of the last week...

    "So what sort of stuff did you actually come up, V-man?" Roy asked. V never bothered to correct him on his nicknames for her - she quite enjoyed keeping them guessing at her gender.

    "Yeah, I want to know what sort of stuff you did to try and help us!" Haley chimed in.

    "Well, if you really want to know, I suppose I can enlighten you upon my arcane achievements," V smirked, feeling the familiar sense of pride in her work she once enjoyed. It touched her deeply (: Kinky...) that her friends were trying to cheer her up. She knew they probably didn't care what sort of spells she'd come up with - her magic usually went over their heads, both literally and metaphorically in Belkar's case. But the fact that they were asking her anyway meant that they wanted to cheer her up, which mattered a lot to Vaarsuvius after everything she'd been through lately. "I managed to come up with several powerful scrying spells, a few rather nifty sending spells, and a teleportation spell that I'm quite proud of..."

    "Ooooh, tell us about the last one..." Haley beamed. Sure, she didn't care much for magic, but she did care a lot about her friend's emotional well-being. "What does it do?"

    "Well, barring obstruction, it teleports me to the location of a person or group the moment they find themselves in a situation they will otherwise be unable to find a way out of. I simply input the name of the subject, and-" V snapped her fingers, "I'm right there with them the moment they find themselves in a dire situation they cannot otherwise escape from alive. And, just to be safe, I used every possible name and description I could come up with for you both..."

    "Oh? Like that, Ears?" Belkar smirked. "I hope you remembered that I go by the title of Sexy Shoe-less God of Death..."

    "As a matter of fact, I did..." Vaarsuvius sighed at her companion's pride. "I also used 'Haley and Belkar, Miss Starshine and Mr. Bitterleaf, the red-haired thief and the psychotic halfling, Elan's love interest and the bane of my existance, and of couse, the sly rogue who's an expert manipulator and the social outcast that follows them around..." V smirked upon finishing the last description. Haley grinned at what she took as a compliment, while Belkar's response was limited to a glare and a one-fingered salute. The whole group then shared a laugh, and moved on to the topic of Elan, his puppets, and the cults he'd helped form...

    ----------

    Elsewhere, in another time and dimension, the universe was at war. Peace and logic had long ago been replaced by violence and hate. Across galaxies, countless atrocities were made in the name of the Emperor's Will, the needs of the Greater Good, the desires of the Dark Gods, the sheer fun of going to WAAAAAAGH, protecting the threads of Fate, and finding the next meal. In this dark and grim future, there is only War. And somewhere in the midst of humanity's never-ending war against everything including itself, Ciaphas Cain, Imperial Commissar and Hero of the Imperium, was about to die.

    "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!" the Ork roared as it appeared at the top of the trench wall. An insant later, a focused beam of energy reduced its face to a mass of seared flesh and charred bone. The hulking green brute toppled forward into the trench, landing with a loud -thwump- next to its killer.

    "They're getting closer..." Ciaphas Cain, legendary Commissar and fearless Hero, growled in annoyance as he slammed a fresh magazine into his laspistol. Of course, he was only putting on a show. Truthfully, he wanted to curl up into a twitching ball and wait to have his spine used by an Ork as a toothpick, but he had a reputation to protect. Of course, the only person still alive in his trench was his loyal aide de camp Jurgen, but he couldn't in good conscience allow his smelly comrade to see him as the wimpy coward he truly was right before they died. And Ciaphas couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, one act of heroism in his dying moments might help make up for his lifetime of cowardice in the Emperor's eyes. ... Yeah right, he mentally groaned. "We probably won't be getting out this alive - so we should make the most of our dying deeds!" he quickly added, remembering that as a Commissar, he wasn't allowed to say anything that wasn't encouraging - even if it was a bald-faced lie.

    "As the Emperor Wills it..." Jurgen replied in his usual, stoic manner as he fired a burst from his las-rifle into another approaching Ork. The stocky Valhallan, owner of a hidious assortment of skin diseases, an overpowering stench, and a dark secret most of the Inquisition would kill to know about, had been Cain's aide de camp and faithfull lacky for many, many years. They'd fought Orks, Chaos Marines, Tyranids, Eldar, Traitors, and other countless enemies. And it seemed that at long last, their luck was finally about to run out. It seemed that for Commissar Cain, expert liar and skilled manipulator, and Jurger, social outcast and Cain's loyal follower, there was no escape from their coming doom...

    -------

    One moment, the Order of the Stick was making fun of Roy's inability to fly, and Vaarsuvius was about to add her own witty comment. The next moment, there was a bright flash of light and a sizzle of static electricity in the air, and she was gone. The Order stared at the spot by the campfire where she'd been sitting no less than a second before, all of their expressions a mixture of shock and horror. Except for Belkar. His expression was one of sheer annoyance and rage. "**** NO!! NOT THIS **** AGAIN!!" he screamed at the sky.



    --- End Chapter 1 ---



    Well... What did ya'll think?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  17. - Top - End - #527
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Sstoopidtallkid's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    You've got a good Belkar. I lol'd at the end.
    [/sarcasm]
    FAQ is not RAW!
    Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
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    I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.

  18. - Top - End - #528
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Me likey.
    Light hearted and interesting, which I am not equipped to deal with but I like it.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  19. - Top - End - #529
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    Yeah, how 'bout letting us know what happens next to the body-swapped Order of the Stick?
    Hey, that one's my baby! There will be more soon, worry not...


    Many thanks, blue silk handkerchiefs, and small inarticulate hedgehog noises to Funky Goose for the sig banner!

    Even more thanks to half-halfling for the adorable avatar, which is from this comic
    !

  20. - Top - End - #530
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Alright. All I need now is an evil Durkon and Haley.
    I was thinking just arranging for him to have a faith transplant, and making him worship Odin. Anyone who feels Odin is a good guy obviously doesn't know the first thing about Norse Mythology. Besides, Durkon the manipulative bastard dwarven chessmaster appeals to me.
    In a funny sort of way, this is all about turning the characters on their head. V is a very quiet, solitary individual with a very repressed sexuality. Belkar is a self obsessed, narcissistic halfling.
    I also need to think of an Evil Harley. Needs to be fantasy related, and semi-plausible.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  21. - Top - End - #531
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Are V's new spells going to be mentioned again/used at any time in this crack pairing?
    Last edited by CoffeeIncluded; 2009-11-09 at 07:32 PM.

  22. - Top - End - #532
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Redcloak and Lien and Xykon. Sounds like I can make a few 'parts' to this. I present......




    The Cleric, the Bitch and the Scorecode

    Spoiler
    Show

    "Ok, Hinjo, this is gonna be a tough fight. But we can do this." Lien and Hinjo walked towards a tall green tower with some soldiers, spears, bows, and swords in hand. Seven hobgoblins with bows and quivers of arrows began firing at them from a small balcony. A few more hobbos began charging at ground level with broadswords in tight grips.
    "Ok, Lien, you go with some archers and take those hobgoblins up there down. I'll take the ones down here." Hinjo clenched his teeth and launched himself forward, followed by two soldiers.
    "Argent, let's move!" The head paladin released his celestial dog and grabbed a spear, hurling it through two hobgoblins and spearing another's sword hand. The soldiers and Hinjo quickly dispatched of the hobgoblins, finishing at Lien notched the final arrow and let it fly into the final hobbo's head.
    "Done there. Let's enter." Lien led Hinjo and the Azurites into the tower. Two feet in, at least eighty arrows and spears came down around the group, killing all soldiers and injuring Hinjo. Lien panicked, her advisor injured and her teammates killed. She looked up and saw hundreds of hobgoblin warriors charging down ladders and stairs, swords and spears at the ready. Lien grabbed Hinjo and began dragging him out.
    "Lay Hands, whatever. Hurry, Hinjo, we haven't much time to escape!" Lien pulled him upright and both began running, hundreds of the evil orange warriors on their tails.

    High up in that very same tower, the evil lich sorcerer Xykon had been watching the Azurite group with his advisors, Redcloak, Tsukiko, and Jirix.
    "Odd, how they got away. But let them live for now, I'll get the paladins myself." The lich snapped his thin skeletal jaws up and down, spit hissing out of them with every word. Tsukiko and Jirix followed him as he walked out of the room. Redcloak watched the two out of his golden telescope, admiring Lien.
    For a paladin...that's one cute paladin...ugh, why do I suddenly feel an attraction to that paladin-thing? He thought.
    "Hey, cloak-for-brains, hurry up, we've got a big meeting with the other head clerics and hoohahs to discuss some tactics or something." Redcloak flinched as a rock thrown by Jirix hit him in the back of his head, knocking the telescope out of his hand and onto the ground, 4 miles below. Redcloak turned and walked over, passing Jirix, a stoic look on his face. The hobgoblin caught up with him, panting and out of breath.
    "Hey, Reddy, why so serious all of a sudden? Hey-OWW!" Jirix fell back as Recloak delivered a powerful punch to his abdomen, cracking his platemetal.
    "That's for the telescope." Redcloak grumbled.


    That's about it for now. Just an intro, more of a normal story so far.


    Keep in mind this is
    Spoiler
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    an alternate universe where Lien and Hinjo stayed back in the ruined Azure City and joined the Resisitance after Haley and Belkar left, and stuff. Don't think about that too hard.



    Also, can someone tell me some spells Reddy could possibly have that would deal very minor damage, like if he just wanted to have an altervative to a good punch/kick?
    Last edited by BatRobin; 2009-11-09 at 07:51 PM.
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    Avatar by KwarkPudding!

  23. - Top - End - #533

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Been planning it for a while. I'm just gonna drop this off here and try not to look at any of the SoD spoilers.

    The Oracle x Zz'Dtri - Loneliness
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    "I... need a prediction..." I looked up, and saw standing in the doorway a drow draped in green robes. He had a red headband around his flowing white hair.

    "Of course you do, why else would you be here?" I chuckled at my joke. "Right then, what do you want to know?" I already knew, of course. I knew the drow would be coming, what he would ask, and exactly what would happen today. Still, I trembled in anticipation... it had been so long since anything like this, and even knowing what is going to happen doesn't calm your nerves.

    "Tired of living alone... where will I find my true love?"

    "Listen, Zz'Dtri, I could tell you the answer, but you won't like it. Hell, I could tell you any answer, and you'd believe me, and you'd like it better than this answer, I know that."

    "You want more money?" I chuckled, but the dark elf didn't let any emotion cross his face.

    "I love how everybody thinks it's about money. No, I don't need more money from you, I just need you to realize that you won't like the answer." The truth of the matter was that I simply couldn't bring myself to say it. So long I'd been without, and here I was... so close. I knew what would happen, but I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. What if my vision was wrong? What if it wasn't to happen, and I'd need to wait centuries more? What if...

    "Understood. The answer, please?" I sighed.

    "My powers have revealed to me that you shall find your true love... here. And now." I closed my eyes, waiting for the drow to draw his scimitars and kill me. To thrust those weapons through my frail, lonely, bitter body, cutting short the life of loneliness I'd been living.

    "...you? Prove it."

    "How do you want me to prove it?" I couldn't believe this... the visions were right? Would I finally have somebody? Zz'Dtri leaned down to me, his face nearing mine.

    "However you wish." I took a deep breath, gathering my composure. I had no idea how this was supposed to work, having never been a mammal myself. I pulled Zz'Dtri's face the last few inches to my face, and performed something I hoped would pass as a kiss. After a few seconds, I stopped, and look up at Zz'Dtri, who had a blank expression on.

    "I... I'm sorry... I just..." Before I could finish my apology, he lifted me up in his arms and embraced me tightly. I could tell that he had a smile spread wide across his face.

    "Finally, I am alone no longer!" I could feel tears running down his face, and I was moved. It seems I'd finally have somebody as well. I'm not afraid to admit I started crying.

    "I've been alone for so long... it's... such a comfort to have somebody to love... I..." I trailed off, not knowing how to say it.

    "I think I know what you mean..." Zz'Dtri dropped me, and as he stood before me, slowly removed his robe.
    Underneath, he was strong, muscled, and everything that would pass for attractive to mammals, but not to me. Yet somehow... he was. He still had some light armor on, and his pants, and he smiled at the expression I must have had on. "I see you like it." He reached down to the waist of his pants, and slowly, he-


    "Dammit! I'm out of paper!" The Oracle, obviously pissed at having run out of paper, ripped several pages out of the book he was writing in, and tossed the rest of it into a pile containing dozens more. He pulled out a new book, and put the papers in the front, before casting Mending on them. He dipped his quill into the ink and started writing again. He sighed, "Someday, Zz'Dtri, we shall meet... and it shall be Celestia on the Material Plane..."

    Never once did it cross his mind that he was doing all of this for somebody he had never met.



    Before anyone asks, any bad writing during the Oracle's part should be chalked up to him sucking, not me.

    So, yeah... it's a bit short, but I like it. Hot off the presses, not even proof-read, so please excuse any errors. Hope you all like it, especially the ending. It was written solely for the ending.
    Last edited by The Dark Fiddler; 2009-11-09 at 08:32 PM.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  24. - Top - End - #534
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    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    ....AHAHAHAH!!!

    The Oracle, apparently he writes bad self-insert fanfiction too!

  25. - Top - End - #535
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    ...People proof-read now?
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

  26. - Top - End - #536
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    The only thing I noticed was that the third paragraph down needs another space between it and the preceding paragraph.

    But that was hilarious. And distracting. I'm supposed to be writing a math paper (Yes, a paper in math. I know. ).

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  27. - Top - End - #537
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    And I have a history quiz to study for.

    And a physics test... Excuse me...

  28. - Top - End - #538
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    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Math papers are the best papers. Go far enough in math and you don't even have to find a real answer.
    Rakshasa Sorcerer 5

  29. - Top - End - #539
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    @ Cracklord: Oh don't worry. I can promise you that the next chapter will offer you plenty of the violence and angst you so desire...

    And yes, people proof-read. I actually read through Chapter 1 twice to find typos and places I could tweak...


    @ Sstoopidtallkid: Thanks! I like making people laugh...


    @ Batrobin: Liches have spit? Lol, I'm just messin' with you... That was pretty good. I must wonder where you plan to take it...


    @ Dark Fiddler: ROFL!! Oh man, I loved the ending... Good job with that one, dude.


    @ CheeseMuncher: A math... paper? You, sir, have just discovered a previously unknown circle of Hell...
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  30. - Top - End - #540
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Eh, I've got my last couple of HSC examinations over the next couple of days. This is my relaxation between study time.
    Nadir We,
    Youth Born,
    Blood Letters,
    Axe Weilders,
    Victors Still.

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