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  1. - Top - End - #871
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    So V became the Official Bike because of hir "sensitive" ears?
    Pointy ears are hot and you know it.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  2. - Top - End - #872
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Lawyergoblin's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Hmmmmm...I only just noticed how often V is being used for these crack pairings. I need to write my own...

  3. - Top - End - #873
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    Pointy ears are hot and you know it.
    They look like they'd be fun to poke.

    On a random tangential note I'm actually playing as an elf wizard in a PBP game here (The similarities between my character and V pretty much end there. For one thing, my character has a clearly defined gender.). There's a running gag with her that involves...Extremely sensitive ears. It's too funny (And too easy) to pass up.

  4. - Top - End - #874

    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    They look like they'd be fun to poke.

    On a random tangential note I'm actually playing as an elf wizard in a PBP game here (The similarities between my character and V pretty much end there. For one thing, my character has a clearly defined gender.). There's a running gag with her that involves...Extremely sensitive ears. It's too funny (And too easy) to pass up.
    Yeah, I saw that after you popped in to say hi in my OOC.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cracklord View Post
    I'm pretty sure that's a flaw.
    I'm pretty sure it's a trait.

    Or maybe Yaoi Fan is a trait, and Yaoi Fangirl is a flaw.
    Last edited by The Dark Fiddler; 2009-11-16 at 05:58 PM.
    It's been a bit, GitP. If you're reading this, you're either digging through old stuff, or I've posted for the first time in forever.

    If you want to stay in touch, reach out to me on twitter (same username).

    The best answer is always to ask your DM.
    Unless you're the DM, in which case you should talk to your players.

  5. - Top - End - #875
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    Dark Faun's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Tieflings have the same problem with their tail.

    Of course, you can't strangle someone with your ears, so I'd say they're better off than elves.
    Formerly known as Discord here and Maladin on avatarspirit.net.

  6. - Top - End - #876
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    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    In the name of Emperor...

    I present Chapter 4!



    --- Vaarsuvius x Ciaphas Cain - Chapter 4 ---


    Spoiler
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    A sound of thunder split the air, accompanied by a brilliant flash of light. Commissar Ciaphas Cain was nearly left blind and deaf, and he found himself left with ringing ears and spotted vision. The Ork, however, was much worse off. For as it had fallen towards Vaarsuvius, intend on disemboweling the puny Elf, it had subjected to a point blank lightning strike to the face. V had simply raised her hand towards the Ork, and unleashed a concentrated dose of her arcane might into its skull. The Lightning Bolt had caught the Ork completely off guard, and done its job with frightening efficiency.

    The spell had only been in effect for a split second. The lightning had swiftly arched from V's hand and into the Orks face, from which point the current had carried on and looked for an exit point. The surge of energy had ran from the Ork's head, into its chest, up its arm, and then into the most conductive thing it could find - the sword. Almost as soon as the lightning had left V's hand and entered the Ork's face, it errupted from the tip of the Ork's sword in a shower of sparks, and spider-webbed into the air above them in an awe-inspiring display of what could happen when nature and the arcane worked in tandem. The force of the lightning strike was enough slow the Ork's momentum, and it landed limply on its back at V's feet. Its smouldering form twitched a few times, and then laid still. The Ork's brain had been cooked, its heart had ceased to beat, and the majority of its central nervous system had been seared - it was very much dead.

    Cain could barely believe his eyes. He'd only seen such power in the hands of powerful Psykers, and this Eldar didn't seem to even think twice about throwing it around casually. "That was..." Cain gulped nervously, "Impressive."

    "Thank you," V acknowledged him in a nonchalaunt manner. She then looked up at the top of the trench, surveyed the area around her, and then arched an eyebow. "Is the assault at an end already?"

    "I... uh... I'm afraid so?" Cain answered sheepishly. He wasn't sure if the Eldar was confused, or dissappointed. And if it were the latter, he didn't want to be the one that ruined her fun. "We're not in a heavily contested area, so the Orks in this section do not have the vast numbers to spare that they usually posses. Their last few assaults were similar to this, consisting of a handfull of Boyz and possibly a Nob."

    "Just a handfull, you say?" V turned to face the man, who was still sitting in the mud feebly trying to hold up the strange weapon in his hand. "Why do they not just charge this position en masse? Wouldn't that be more effective?"

    Cain found himself trying not to laugh at the thought of Orks using "effective" tactics. "Because Orks do not work that way," he replied with as much of a straight face as he could muster. "They don't fight to win. They fight for fun. I would assume that they attacked us in waves as some sort of contest. Most likely to see who could last longest, kill the most "humies," or make the most noise. If any of them saw your display of power, they'd probably forget about the game and just try to come get in on the action themselves."

    "But I don't hear anything," V cocked her head the side slightly, noting that she found herself unable to make a Perception check, even though she could hear quite clearly. "What does that mean?"

    "It means that was the last wave," Cain smiled, inwardly releasing a sigh of relief. "Which would also explain why it was so small compared to the others, and why there were no Gretchin amongst them."

    "What is a Gretchen, dare I ask?" V asked, ever-curious about this new world and its occupants.

    Her answer came in a form she did not expect.

    Vaarsuvius suddenly found herself thrown forcibly forward. She wheeled about as she flew to the ground, and landed on her back. Her eyes went wide as she suddenly discovered a strange creature perched on top of her chest. It looked like some sort of midget goblin, or a rather angry gremlin. Small and green, with long pointy ears and burning yellow eyes, the small creature let out a shrill cry as it raised a crude dagger over its head. V realized, to her horror, that if she didn't have to make attack rolls, neither did this thing. All it had to do was bring the knife down, and she was dead. There was no time to cast a spell, and the strange man was probably caught off guard as much as she was. Just as the creature brought the knife down towards her face - it exploded.

    The Gretchin was hit by a burst of angry red beams. Las rounds strobed across the trench, catching the small goblinoid creature in the head and torso. The force of the impacts sent its charred remains violently cartwheeling off to the left, and the knife dropped harmlessly into the mud next to V. She blinked dumbly, trying to grasp what had just occured. She turned over slightly, and looked towards her right. Sprawled out in the mud several feet from her lay the unconscious man she'd seen when she'd first arrived, though he was now wide-awake and holding a long, clunky metallic object in his arms. Covered in mud and a fur-lined uniform, the man's face was a mixture of messy hair and skin conditions. V didn't know if she should thank him, or recoil in horror. "That's a Gretchin," he remarked without much emotion, and his breathe made V's head spin.

    "Ah! Jurgen!" Cain exclaimed, struggling to rise to his feet. "I'm happy to see you're awake! I was quite worried about you..." Perhaps he was over-exhaggerating, but he knew better than to let Jurgen feel unimportant or unappreciated. The man had saved Cain's life many times over the several decades they'd spent together, and he deserved to think he was cared about. "Nice shooting, by the way. How did you know not to shoot the Eldar?"

    "You hadn't shot her yourself, sir," Jurgen responded with his usual flat tone and pragmatic logic. "I thought you had a reason for keeping her alive."

    "Er, of course!" Cain exclaimed. "Excellent deduction, Jurgen..."

    "If we're done dealing with the... what did you call them? Boyz and Gretchin? Perhaps you would not mind answering a few questions I need answers to..." V chimed in as she rose to her feet from the mud. "Prestidigitation..." she muttered, and her robes instantly became spotless and clean.

    "Careful, sir..." Jurgen warned, "She might be trying to trick us. You know how the Eldar are..."

    "Fear not, Jurgen. I know fully well the perils of dealing with the Eldar..." Cain did his best to put on a grim and brooding expression. He then turned towards V and flashed a smile. "You did help us, though, so I suppose I must owe you something. I'll tell you what I can, though some answers are best kept secret. Classified information, you know..."

    "Right, of course..." V pretended to know what he was talking about. "First of all, who are you?"

    "My name is Ciaphas Cain, Commissar and servant of the Emperor," Cain grinned.

    "You forgot 'Hero of the Imperium,' sir..." Jurgen added.

    "Thank you, Jurgen..." Cain smiled nervously. "I don't think she needs to be bothered with such petty details, though..." Especially since she might decide such petty details made him a good target for assassination. "And this is Ferik Jurgen, my aide-de-camp. We're currenly serving with the 57th Cadian, on the planet of Dakka Dakka Tree, ror DDT for short."

    "Dakka Dakka Tree?" V arched an eyebrow yet again. "What does that mean?"

    "Its an Ork world. "Dakka Dakka" is an Ork phrase, and "Tree" is supposed to be "Three," if our translators are to be believed. It is currently being used a spring-board for WAAAAAAAAGHHH!! attacks, so the Imperium has decided to remove it from the Orks' possession. "Remove the head, and the body dies." You know the old saying..." Cain explained.

    "Fascinating..." V scratched her chin, listening to the information she was being provided with. "And the Imperium... is...?"

    Cain and Jurgen both looked at each other with dubius expressions. "I though the Eldar were supposed to be smart?" Jurgen eyed V with suspicion.

    "As did I..." Cain narrowed his eyes. "Is this some sort of joke?"

    "Oh yes, I'm pulling you leg, Mister Commissar," Vaarsuvius frowned. She was starting to lose her patience. "I don't even know what that means, either. And what is an Eldar, and why do you keep calling me that? I'm not an "Eldar," I'm an Elf."

    "Elf?" Jurgen looked at Cain.

    "I've never heard of it, either," Cain shrugged. "Maybe its an Eldar term? She doesn't know what a Commissar is, so I suppose we can't be expected to know what an Elf is, either..." Cain then turned his attention back towards V. "A Commissar is a loyalty officer, tasked with keeping the servants of the Emperor concentrated on their objectives and away from the foul lure of the Enemy," he explained proudly.

    "The Emperor? The Enemy?" V shook her head. "I assure you, Sir Cain, I have no comprehension of anything you speak of."

    Cain and Jurgen looked at each other incredulously. "Something here isn't right, sir..." Jurgen tightened his grip on his lasrifle. "What if its a trick?"

    "It could very well be, Jurgen..." the Commissar eyed the Elf suspiciously. "Amberley did say the Eldar are mysterious and hard to understand."

    "Again, you talk of things I don't know about as though I should," V frowned. "Who is this Amberley you refer to? Maybe she could give me better answers..."

    Dead silence followed. Finally, Cain spoke up. "You want to talk to Amberley?"

    "Sure, why not?" V threw her hands in the air, her patience finally reaching its limit. "Would she be able to answer my questions better than you?"

    "Well, she is an Inquisitor in the Ordo Xenos, so you are right up her alley..." Cain scratched at one of his sideburns, slightly confused. "But she's not on this planet, or even this system. It might take her days, or even weeks to get here..."

    "I do not appear to have any other choice. I doubt I'll get anywhere with the Orks, so my only option seems to be going with you and waiting for this Amberley..." V sighed.

    "Well, in order to do that, you'll have to... uh... say we captured you," Cain smiled sheepishly. V simply stared at him. "If we don't give a good excuse as to why you're with us, all three of us will be shot. You for being an Eldar, and us for being traitors and working with you. But if you're our "prisoner" and we say we're holding on to you until Amberley shows up, it will remove a large number of questions people might ask."

    V sighed. "I suppose I do not have much of a choice in this matter. Very well. I surrender," she hissed sarcastically.

    "I think she's upset with you, sir..." Jurgen muttered.

    "I do believe you're right, Jurgen..." Cain nodded, praying she didn't grow too annoyed and decide to turn him into a guinea pig for her next experiment with Warpcraft. "I suppose we should find a Vox unit and call in the situation..." Once Jurgen helped him to his feet, the two men began to search the trench for a radio system.

    "Is there some sort of rulebook or starter guide I can just flip through?" V sighed as she followed after the Commissar and the Imperial Guardsman.

    --- End Chapter 4 ---


    I'm hungry, and my girlfriend is waiting for me at dinner. So I didn't have time to proof-read. Sorry for any typos!
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  7. - Top - End - #877
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    No, I really do like it. Though I'm sure I would enjoy it more if I actually understood things more than V.

  8. - Top - End - #878
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Zanaril's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    No, I really do like it. Though I'm sure I would enjoy it more if I actually understood things more than V.
    Hey, I don't know what's going on any more than you do and I still want to read more.
    Last edited by Zanaril; 2009-11-16 at 06:30 PM.
    This post may contain sarcasm.
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  9. - Top - End - #879
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    No, I mean I already enjoy it, but if I understood the universe I'd probably enjoy it even more.

    On a random note: Hm. Silverraptor hasn't been here in a while. Hope he's okay.

  10. - Top - End - #880
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Zanaril View Post
    This has to be the only place where illness is celebrated.



    Anyway, credit goes to Discord for inspiring me: I know when I'm being challenged.


    This isn't exactly that, but is maybe how it started.

    HaleyxVxV

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    Vaarsuvius sat cross-legged on the bed, attention fixed on the book that lay open on the covers. The elf was ignoring the sounds of celebrations that could be heard from outside, the laughing, the music, the occasionally firework. Humans amused themselves so frequently with celebrations, what was another new year when you had already seen more than a hundred of them? And of course, no amount of partying could surmount the enjoyment of a good book.

    The patter of light footsteps sounded from the corridor, but elf neglected to look up even when they stopped outside the door. The door opened and then slammed shut. There was a brief pause.

    “You’re back soon. How was your walk, did you see-“ Vaarsuvius looked up. “What is wrong?”

    Leaning against the door with a look of utter horror written across delicate features was an identical elf. It looked just about ready to throw up.

    “That little creep.” The elf finally managed to mutter.

    They were almost identical, at least. The Vaarsuvius sitting on the bed closed the book, putting it aside, and a face that was ever so slightly softer twisted into a concerned frown. “I assume you’re referring to the Halfling?”

    “The little psychopath kissed me!” the elf by the door spat, and as if to leave no doubt of his feelings about the incident, he wiped his mouth furiously with the back of his sleeve.

    The other Vaarsuvius’s face went through an odd series of expressions, and then without warning, she burst out laughing. She hurriedly raised a hand to her mouth, attempting to hide the helpless grin and failing.

    “It’s not funny! Urgh, I can still taste second-hand beer.” He wiped his mouth again, scowling at the elf sitting on the bed.

    “Sorry, it was just the look on your face.” The tone was apologetic, but her purple eyes were still sparkling with mirth. “I believe there is some mouthwash in the bathroom cabinet.” The other Vaarsuvius looked grateful and hurriedly disappeared into the en suit. The sound of gargling was soon heard.

    “So how exactly did this… event occur?” There was an audible smirk behind the words. “I hope you exacted the appropriate retribution.”

    The male Vaarsuvius reappeared, now looking less nauseous and merely annoyed. “Unfortunately it is poor sportsmanship to target an opponent who has inebriated himself to the point of unconsciousness.”

    “I am beginning to gain a clearer understanding of the proceedings.”

    “Be assured I will make every effort to get my own back over the course of the next few days, weeks, months and possibly years.” The elf stepped over to the chest of drawers and rummaged around in the top drawer until he found a small bottle. He uncorked it and took a large swig.

    “Careful now. After all, alcohol is what caused the situation initially.”

    “That and unsavoury human customs.” He grimaced, and replaced the bottle back in the drawer. “This is required to further remove the taste from my mouth.” He turned around and started slightly when he found his doppelganger standing inches away. She was smiling.

    “I see. You are referring to the exchange of a kiss at the start of the New Year? That was several minutes ago, but as they say, better late than never.” Leaning forward, she locked lips with the other elf. The kiss was happily returned and he brought his hands up to rest lightly on her waist, accepting the gesture that was an unspoken apology. After a long moment, they parted.

    “I have to revise my opinion; it’s not unsavoury in the slightest.”

    “But only if I am the one doing the kissing, I should hope.” The elf said, crossing the room and sitting down on the bed, the other elf following suit.

    “You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”

    “Let’s just say that I look forward to helping with the imaginative revenge that you are sure to come up with.” She moved closer and wrapped her arms around him, pulling their slender bodies together.


    If someone had told Haley a few weeks ago about amount of loneliness that the inability to communicate could incur, she would have dismissed it as mere hyperbole. But now she had come to realise just how important the need to make yourself understood could be, how much she needed to be able to tell others things. As an absurdly secretive person by both nurture and nature, this realisation came as a harsh surprise.

    It wasn’t Elan’s fault, of course not. She couldn’t expect him to take the initiative, especially since she had never made any real effort to make her feelings known back when she could talk. Did Elan return the feelings, she wondered? Even if he did, it’s was likely that he would never take it on himself to raise the issue. Elan was like that; he was a people person, charismatic and as far away from shy as you could get, but he was also like a child, eager only to please and always happier when he first had approval of his actions. She shook her head sadly. If anything were ever to happen between them, it would surely be up to her to start it.

    These thoughts, of course, did nothing to abate the utter loneliness she was currently feeling. The city-wide party was still at full throttle as she made her way back to the inn, but for her all the heart had gone out of it. Maybe she could go and see V. Her friend had almost certainly taken a similar attitude and would be sitting somewhere quiet with a book. Maybe they could even go and find a quiet bar and get roaring drunk, assuming Haley could sufficiently communicate that with hand gestures.

    The rogue made her way along the corridor to the elf’s room, and knocked on the door. After a full minute’s wait Haley let out a silent sigh. The elf wasn’t there. It seemed that everyone was enjoying the evening more than she was.

    She was about to leave when a barely audible snatch of words reached her ears. “...leave if we ignore them...” Haley frowned in confusion, and briefly wondered if she had the wrong room. No, it was right at the end of the corridor, there was no mistaking it. Out of roguish habit, Haley tried the door handle, and almost jumped in surprise when it turned easily. Well this raised an important question; was her respect for the privacy of others stronger than her curiosity?

    Haley smirked and pushed open the door.

    There was a long moment between the door opening and the elves – who were enthusiastically making out – noticing the human standing there gawping. For Haley, it was an extremely awkward moment, not only because of the obvious embarrassment of the situation, but also because she knew without a doubt that the image of the two elves playing tongue hockey would be running across her mind for a very long time. Oh boy. Maybe if she closed the door quietly enough...

    “Miss Starshine!” Upon noticing her, the two elves tried to move apart from each other, which was easier said than done since they both had their hands tangled up in each other’s robes. An identical blush started to spread across their faces.

    There was another awkward moment, and then the two of them tried to speak at the same time.

    “I -“

    “-that is to say, we-“

    “-can explain!” They were sitting apart now, not meeting each other’s eyes, and the blush was threatening to turn their faces as red as their robes.

    “It may take some time though.”

    The Vaarsuviuses (Vaarsuvii?) both patted the space between them in a movement that was creepily synchronised. “Please, sit down and we can talk.”

    “Qkfq’v hfvn rjs njo qj vfn.”

    “Ah yes, your speech impediment.”

    Haley pointed to each of the elves, raised two fingers, pointed to her eyes, and then raised a single finger. When she was met by blank stares, she repeated the gestures. The Vaarsuvius on the right still looked confused, but left Vaarsuvius seemed grasp what she meant.

    “Yes, there are two of us, and our appearances are similar.”

    Haley raised a questioning eyebrow, and then wiggled her fingers in a poor imitation of spell casting.

    “No. There is no magic involved in there being two of us. We...”

    “We are twins.”

    “Fraternal twins, however. Our seemingly identical appearance is partly just family resemblance-“

    “-and partly due to the impaired ability to distinguish between individuals of other species.”

    “Indeed. We are not even of the same gender.” A conspiratorial grin spread between the two elves.

    Haley’s eyes narrowed as a suspicion started to form in her mind, but she couldn’t think of a way to express it through hand signs. The elves mistook the expression for anger, and sobered up immediately.

    “Haley, we are sorry for pulling such a deception all this time. As your friend, we should have told you.”

    “If you are angry, you have every right to be. Will you at least stay and hear our side of the story?”

    The elf indicated for Haley to come and sit down. Hesitant but intrigued, Haley walked into the room, shutting the door behind her. She sat down awkwardly on the bed between the two elves.

    “We have been doing this for far longer than we have travelled with the Sir Greenhilt’s party.”

    “As far back as we can recall we’ve been mistaken for one another, and after a while we stopped trying to enforce the distinction. Partly, it was simply easier to keep up the image of us being a single person.”

    “Although a lot of was enjoyment at the deception. Especially keeping everyone guessing as to our gender. Our double act even fooled the Halfling’s keen nose.” Haley’s mouth switched into a smile at that.

    “Again, you have our apologies. By the time we met you, it had become second nature to us. Not that there have not been some near misses. Invisibility Spells are not foolproof.”

    “And there was always the temptation to step in when the other seemed to be in danger.”

    “Like when you were polymorphed into a lizard. I had to pick up your robe and hand it back to you later.”

    “Yes thank you very much for reminding me of that incident. I recall you didn’t look so happy about being chained up and gagged by that Paladin.”

    “You hated that vile woman as much as I did.”

    “Oh, so it was not being chained up that you minded?”

    Haley gave a snort of laughter, which unfortunately distracted the elves from their banter as they remembered the rogue was there.

    A sigh. “We hope you’re willing to remain our friend. Truely, we never intended you and harm by it.”

    “Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?”

    Haley glanced between the two siblings, and a smile slowly spread across her face. She pointed at herself, and then pointed at each of them. Then pointed back at herself. Elan would have to wait, until she could talk, until she had built her confidence up that she could cope with the pain if her hopes were brought crashing down. A friend (or two), on the other hand, was different.

    “I’m afraid I don’t understa-“ It was Left Vaarsuvius who spoke, and Haley took hold of the front of the elf’s robes and brought their lips together firmly. There was a muffled exclamation of surprise, but soon the elf began to kiss back, relaxing into the embrace. Then there was a warm breath at her ear, with the slight hint of some unidentifiable alcohol.

    “We’d be delighted to.” The other Vaarsuvius said breathily in her ear, and Haley felt strong slender fingers begin to tug at her clothes, to stroke across her exposed flesh. She broke away from the kiss momentarily, leaning into the touch and gasping as one of the elves nibbled an ear lobe.

    She needed this. The closeness, the intimacy. To be able to communicate without words and be understood. She was vaguely aware that her armour had been taken off, and that a pair of red robes had joined them. She drunk it all in, and it was intoxicating.

    ---

    Haley awoke to bright sunshine, and the few moments for her eyes to adjust where all she needed to remember where she was. The male Vaarsuvius was sprawled out next to her, lost in some past memory and otherwise dead to the world. Haley smiled, before slipping out of the bed. He stirred slightly as her weight moved the mattress, but remained otherwise oblivious as she dressed and left the room.

    Haley was halfway down the corridor when a loud explosion shook the building, seeming to come from the floor below. She sprinted the rest of the way to the stairs, ran down them two at a time, and approached the breakfast hall just in time to hear Durkon’s remark.

    “-coffee wit Roy’s sweat socks was a nice touch.”

    “I pride myself on attention to detail” The elf replied, completely poker faced. She turned around as Haley stopped next to them. “Good morning Miss Starshine. I trust you slept well?” The conspiratorial grin was back, but this time Haley was in on it. The rogue smirked, then raised an eyebrow and pointed towards the Halfling lying in a pool of coffee.

    “Just a little bit of light hearted revenge. Ask ‘me’ about it later.”

    Since the elf was turned away from him, Durkon missed the very meaningful wink.

    Excellent stuff.

    I heartily encourage more of this pairing, if possible.

  11. - Top - End - #881
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Meg's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Hooray! More stories. Again, everything was great, and I agree. We need more humorous oneshots. I do like serious, doom and gloom type stuff, but laughter is still pretty fun.

    ...And that is how I met your father.

  12. - Top - End - #882
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    Phew. Alrighty. Short update, but they can't all be novels. And I didn't have much of a chance to edit, so it may be a little shoddy, but finals are coming up, so...

    Spoiler
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    “Oh dear elven gods…”

    “By the Dark One…”

    Vaarsuvius and Redcloak both reached out and held each other’s hand tightly, completely uncaring about Tsukiko’s presence.

    The abandoned desert town lay in the valley they gazed upon, the sand stained with blood, and people, both goblin and humanoid, lay in desolate carnage. Broken bodies, some belonging to children and elderly, were strewn across the ground, dark against the sand’s beige.

    There were familiar faces among the fallen.

    “What are you guys looking at?”

    Neither the mage nor the cleric could tear their eyes away. Redcloak made a simple sweeping motion towards the bloodshed, completely silent.

    Tsukiko stepped up next to them, frowning towards the bodies. “I don’t see anything.”

    ---

    Both the goblin and the elf looked up and stared at Tsukiko, shocked. The Theurge frowned in confusion, taking another cursory glance around the stone room they had come into, noting that the phosphorescence wasn’t present in the rock anymore. “Are you talking about the light? Sure, it’s bad, but I don’t see any ‘shock’ issues with it…”

    “Tsukiko, I’m not in the mood for your games.”

    What games?!” Tsukiko walked forward to the center of the room, holding up her hands. “There’s nothing here!”

    She turned around only to see that her companions had disappeared.

    ---

    Vaarsuvius frowned in confusion when the Theurge disappeared. “Redcloak…”

    “I saw.”

    Redcloak subconsciously wrapped his arms around the elf, drawing Vaarsuvius close with a protective growl rising in his chest, ears twitching with wariness and confusion.

    He caught himself a moment later. Marveling at the weird turn of behavior within him, he let the mage go, clearing his throat and not noticing the slightly guilty expression on his lover’s face. “Sorry. Anyway, it looks like the dungeon took her away. I’m not worried about her. She can handle herself, and it doesn’t look like this place is targeting her for trauma.” …Like it is for us.

    Both Vaarsuvius and Redcloak stared down at the battlefield.

    The elf took the goblin’s hand again, allowing a small squeeze of comfort. “It is only further proof that none of this is real. Let us continue—as the horrors mount, it should be a sign that we are closer to our goal, whatever it has transformed into at this point.”

    “You’re right.”

    They stayed still for a while before finally forcing themselves to start the arduous trek down into the carnage.

    Vaarsuvius was well-aware of the fact that Redcloak had much more trauma associated with battlefields and the strewn bodies of men, women, and children. Keen pointed ears were able to pick up the slight hitches in the goblin’s breathing, eyes able to pick out tense muscle spasms, as if Redcloak meant to run or break down.

    The elf gently ran a hand across the goblin’s shoulders, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “None of it is real, Redcloak. Simply illusions.”

    The goblin didn’t look soothed. His only eye was glazed over with memory and Vaarsuvius could feel his body trembling. Was he suffering a flashback?

    The elf was far too well-versed with that torture. Something had to be done. Enemy or no, the mage refused to let the cleric suffer the mental agony that came with memories of blood and helplessness.

    Vaarsuvius forced them both to stop sharply, quickly moving so the small elven body was in front of the broad goblin one, violet eyes glaring at a single gold circle. “Redcloak.”

    Redcloak jerked slightly, somewhat roused from whatever memories were running through his head. Vaarsuvius cupped his face gently in cold hands, making sure that the goblin was not staring at the bodies. “The past is done. You will not forget about it, but you can move on. Remember that it is over.”

    Vaarsuvius realized that they both could use such advice, but the elf only wanted Redcloak to listen.

    The goblin was silent, but the film was gone from his eye, his gaze instead fixing on his lover’s face. He slowly slipped his arms around the elf’s waist, burying his head in a small shoulder and saying something too low and guttural for the elf to understand through the muffling. Just as suddenly as he had started holding Vaarsuvius, Redcloak released the elf, looking considerably calmer and eyes staying away from the bodies on the ground.

    “Let’s go.”

    Vaarsuvius didn’t know that the thing Redcloak had murmured mere moments before was ‘I love you.’

    ---

    Elan kicked his legs over the side of the stone wall he was sitting on, eyes filmed over and mouth fixed in a vacant smile. He was talking lowly. To people who weren’t there. People by the names of ‘Nale,’ ‘Haley,’ ‘Mom,’ and ‘Dad.’ Sometimes other names were there. ‘Roy.’ ‘Durkon.’ ‘Vaarsuvius.’ ‘Belkar.’

    The observer didn’t care.

    Darkness enveloped Elan, pulling him inside, but his smile remained in place.

    ---

    Aarindarius remembered why he usually remained in his tower. He hated trying to needle people.

    He had found seven people in all of his two weeks of searching that had sighted his apprentice and her mysterious party. Only a handful had been able to point him in any direction at all.

    But he could sense a heavy concentration of magic. Illusory magic, if he ventured a guess. Its presence settled in his bones, strong with the scent of rosewood.

    He decided to try that first.

    ---

    The creature cradled its bundle lovingly, stroking the cloth that clothed it, spinning slowly on the branch it stood on. Someone whimpered pathetically on the ground, lightly clawing the bark to get the creature’s attention. Wind blew the hanged bodies gently like wind chimes.

    The creature glanced down, noting the blood on the other being’s hands. The creature made a small gesture, dismissing.

    The someone at the base of the tree struggled to wail, but it was unable to.

    The creature simply smiled.

    The someone’s mute torment continued.


    Thoughts?

    Spoiler
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    The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story


    Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.

  13. - Top - End - #883
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by Discord View Post
    You might want to use File > Export Bitmap (which actually saves as .png by default) when you save your banner in Inkscape, half-halfling; that way the white around the characters and words isn't saved. As it is, look what happens when I quote one of your banners:



    In contrast to others:



    (More info here.)

    That said, good banner. It lacks a red, stick-figure-hand-shaped mark on Belkar's face though...
    The prolem is I'm not using Inkscape but Corel Draw -it's not so easy with this program . I present You two versions of my new banner -with white background and without, howewer I wasn's able to directly copy "help spread the love" there. Does somone know what is the name of original font used there?

    Anyway, here's the banner -something about ears' sensitive ears :





  14. - Top - End - #884
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Curiouser and curiouser...

    What's Elan seeing?

  15. - Top - End - #885
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    No, I mean I already enjoy it, but if I understood the universe I'd probably enjoy it even more.
    I'm still trying to understand this planet (and thats hard enough).

    Quote Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded View Post
    On a random note: Hm. Silverraptor hasn't been here in a while. Hope he's okay.
    I know just the thing to cheer him up! *cooks up a batch of +5 epic yummy cookies for Silverraptor*
    Last edited by Aaron; 2009-11-16 at 08:47 PM.
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  16. - Top - End - #886
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    Coooooookiees...
    Last edited by Kirby; 2009-11-16 at 08:48 PM.
    Crack-Forging Master of the Bardic Temple

    Cookies: Regenerative Cookie Stores

    Internets: 3

    GO CRACK




    <---- Click Here--->

  17. - Top - End - #887
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    ClericGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    Coooooookiees...
    Hands off!!! Those are for Silverraptor! *casts protection spells on the cookies*
    Last edited by Aaron; 2009-11-16 at 09:24 PM. Reason: grammer
    Your local Cleric.

    Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
    (yes, that is possible)

    "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

  18. - Top - End - #888
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    Me sorry...

    Cookies + Silverraptor (Silverraptor Is a Raptor made of silver in this)


    DO IT
    Crack-Forging Master of the Bardic Temple

    Cookies: Regenerative Cookie Stores

    Internets: 3

    GO CRACK




    <---- Click Here--->

  19. - Top - End - #889
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Okay, quick explaination for those who need it...


    V got zapped into Warhammer 40K. You don't really need to know everything, but here are a few things that might help:

    -Ciaphas Cain is a Commissar. He's tasked with keeping the Imperial Guard troops in line and loyal. He's supposed to be brave and heroic, and be an example to his men. In reality he's a scoundrel and a coward, but nobody realizes this. Through sheer luck and charisma, he's become a Hero of the Imperium, and everybody always expects him to save the day.

    -Jurgen is Cain's assistant. Everybody hates him, because he lacks personal hygiene, has various skin conditions, doesn't possess manners, and just makes people uncomfortable. Secretly, he's a Blank - he cancels out Psychic and Warp-related energy when he gets too close to it.

    -The Imperial Guard is the massive armed forces of the Human Imperium. They have one simple strategy: "Kill it 'til its dead." They just shoot and/or blow stuff up until its no longer a problem. It doesn't matter how many men or bullets it costs them, the enemy will eventually be defeated, if not by strategy than by sheer numbers.

    -The Warp is 40Ks version of Hell. Demons and Chaos forces come from there. Psychics (called Psykers) and some aliens, such as Eldar, are able to harness the energy of the Warp to do reality-bending acts. Psykers, who can only do it due to genetic mutation, run a major risk when they use Warpcraft - they could die, mess up the spell, or have a demon come clawing its way out of their skull. Eldar don't have this problem - they're naturally able to do Warpcraft.

    -Orks are big green brutes who like to shoot and stab stuff for fun. "WAAAAAAAGGHHH!!" is their main battle cry, which means anything from "CHARGE!!" to "WAAAAARR!!" depending on the context of the situation. There's really not much to Orks...

    -Amberley is an Inquisitor, something of the Imperium's version of a CIA Agent. Specifically, she is part of the Ordo Xenos, and deals with aliens and alien conspiracy.


    Any other questions?

    Btw, I'm glad you guys like my story...
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  20. - Top - End - #890
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    So Eldar are like elves? Or do they just look similar?

  21. - Top - End - #891
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    The Eldar are basically space elves. The race is very technologically advanced, and very mysterious. They're very rare, and actually drawing closer and closer to extinction. The Imperium fears and loathes them, although the Eldar aren't actively hostile towards them. The Eldar don't really care about the Imperium - they only care of their own business, and if the humans get in the way, pity on them. Eldar are also the most psychic race, with Farseers acting as part of their leadership. A Farseer is basically a powerful Eldar psyker who can see into the future, and knows how every little action, no matter how minute, will affect the threads of Fate.

    Considering that V can shoot lightning from her hands like its nothing special, she'll probably be assumed to be a Farseer, or something of the sort.

    Btw, Games-Workshop guide to Eldar... http://www.games-workshop.com/gws/co...04&aId=2500018

    They basically look like Elves, only most of them have dark hair and dark eyes, and an overall aura of creepiness about them.
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  22. - Top - End - #892
    Colossus in the Playground
     
    CoffeeIncluded's Avatar

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    ...So basically V's in trouble right now.

  23. - Top - End - #893
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Yes and no. She's now considered one of the most hated beings in existance, in the eyes of humanity. But she's also considered one of the scariest beings in existance, so everybody will likely be too scared to do anything about it.

    Any more questions? I'm more than happy to answer them...
    Last edited by Lycan 01; 2009-11-16 at 10:41 PM.
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  24. - Top - End - #894
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Nah, I'm good now, thanks. I'm sure you'll answer everything else when you continue the story.

    Oh yeah. How was dinner?

  25. - Top - End - #895
    Titan in the Playground
     
    MindFlayer

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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    I had a cookie.


    That was it, actually. Since I'm so blah right now, I haven't had much appetite all day. I might make some Easy Mac in a minute...

    ...

    Dangit, now I'm hungry!




    Hm. I want to work on some shorty crack-fics between V x Cain chapters. Any suggestions or ideas ya'll want to see me take a crack at?
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  26. - Top - End - #896
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    To the dice roller! Da-da-dum da-da-dum da-da-dum-dum-DUM!

  27. - Top - End - #897
    Titan in the Playground
     
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    I never get anything good...

    And I want to do something simple and funny, like Mr. Scruffy with V's ears. But I can never come up with anything funny or simple like that...
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  28. - Top - End - #898
    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Well, I often get ideas from really random and crazy stuff that goes on around me. Not to mention that my brain's train of thought..."Tangled" and "Convoluted" cannot even begin to describe it.

    As it is, that V/Mr. Scruffy sketch was inspired by:
    1. A running gag in a PBP game I'm playing (My character is an elf; there's a running gag that if her boyfriend strokes her ears, she turns into putty)
    2. Kitty McEarbitey at the animal shelter. (That was unbelievably entertaining and adorable to watch. And I got him adopted! )

  29. - Top - End - #899
    Titan in the Playground
     
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    *scratches chin and thinks deeply*

    Hm...

    ...

    *shrugs*

    I got nothin'...
    Anemoia: Nostalgia for a time you've never known.

  30. - Top - End - #900
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    Default Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick

    Well, sleep on it. I'm sure you'll think of something.

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