Crappiest Mounts Ever

[Zincorium]

No. Because you lose all those cool points when the moronic creature is commanded, by its oh-so-proud rider, to "Light." To demonstrate its prowess and specially-tailored ability, it flies within 10 ft. of the ground in pitch darkness, and gets nailed by a longspear.

And dies. 19 HP, AC 13, useless special ability that negates purpose of flight, no attacks worth noting...

Sure, its got darkvision. It can see its foe more than 10 ft. away. Unfortunately it has no brain, and its blind rider just guides it on...

Explain to me the cool points once more?

Cool point = reference to TV show Firefly. Without breaking the fourth wall.

As I (still) don't know where you're getting the stats from, I couldn't exactly see for myself. Still, it is flying, and seeing as only two of the core races (human and halfling) aren't able to see fairly well in the dark, you're probably not going to be smashing into things unless you play a human or halfling that can't be bothered to carry a decent light source or gain low light or darkvision while still deciding to fly around at night. If you are that guy, yeah, you're going to smash into stuff. And you deserve it. Everyone else should be fine.

[Thrawn183]

I currently have a battle dog, I named him Jun's Battlemount 7. (Jun is my character's name btw.) Everyone I meet asks me what happened to the first six.

[Shiny, Bearer of the Pokystick]

I don't know about 'crappiest', but the Mini-tarrasque construct our artificer made two sessions ago got a pretty bad reaction from the townsfolk.

[Toliudar]

We had an awakened dire badger, advanced to size large through increased hit dice, and then we used Animal growth. DM (me) foolishly ruled that, at that scale, the entire rest of the party could ride him by holding onto his fur.

And then he burrowed. For a long time. Entirely avoiding the major, carefully-crafted, plot-important encounters they were supposed to have that day.

Sure, it's great when players think outside the box. Until it's YOUR box.

[dungeon_munky]

Warforged Samurai. Our gnomish bard just hung out on his shoulders for the entire adventure, playing his fiddle in one continuous bardsong.

[Sir Enigma]

I never got around to actually doing this, but I always wanted to animate an armchair and ride it into battle...

[Latronis]

ok bard it's your turn

I GET TO ROLL A PERFORM CHECK WOOHOO

<_<

[Amphimir Míriel]

The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!

ok bard it's your turn

I GET TO ROLL A PERFORM CHECK WOOHOO

<_<

In the name of bards all around the worlds I say to you sir:

"Youre Despicable!!" [slaps Latronis with a white glove]

[Drascin]

Dire Slug...

Yeah, one of my campaigns had something much like that too. It was slow, but hey, it had a climb speed, was more or less resilient, and was un-trippable. It didn't suck that much. It did get some weird stares from townsfolk, though :P.

[Latronis]

There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!



In the name of bards all around the worlds I say to you sir:

"Youre Despicable!!" [slaps Latronis with a white glove]

well
dungeon_munky vbmenu_register("postmenu_2395592", true);

did say he just sat on his shoulders and played the fiddle.......

[Lolzords]

It's a traditon when we play dungeons and dragons, whenever someone plays a gnome spellcaster (not a halfling though, oddly enough) that gnome grabs the nearest human/half-orc and sits on his or her shoulder and rides them for the campaign.

Other than that, in one campaign I somehow managed to grab the fur of a panicing gnoll and I got dragged along with him. I also rode a krenshar once.

[Annarrkkii]

I got the cool point reference. I own the only season of Firefly and the Serenity movie, and can lipsync to them.

But that doesn't save the Giant Firefly. The stats are in Arms and Equipment.

[Zincorium]

I got the cool point reference. I own the only season of Firefly and the Serenity movie, and can lipsync to them.

But that doesn't save the Giant Firefly. The stats are in Arms and Equipment.

As far as riding a mount into combat, yeah, it's a bad idea. As far as being able to travel almost anywhere for a lousy couple hundred gp, that ain't bad. It's got the same degree of vulnerability as a regular (non-war) heavy horse, at four times the price, but it can fly. Something that the wizard can't do until fifth level.

[captainswift]

I have a very, very minor NPC in Sigil Prep who has a hippopotamus as her paladin's special mount. She works as a pest control agent, who helps rid hippo infestations from people's castles.

[Cocktail Umbrellas]

Blind Leonal.

I know you probably don’t want to hear another one of mine, but this one is tame, I promise. In an attempt to get somewhere quick, the bard/necromancer asked the Leonal NPC in her party if she could score a ride and he agreed. Problem was he was blind ever since his eyes had been shot out a few months prior. As a mount, he was wickedly quick, but without proper directions he was only quick for about two minutes before he ran off a cliff. For the record, though it wasn’t pleasant, both the bard and the leonal survived.

[Ninja Chocobo]

There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!

All camels in the Discworld are super-intelligent. And they're all vicious bastards, too. Wanna be more specific?

[Amphimir Míriel]

All camels in the Discworld are super-intelligent. And they're all vicious bastards, too. Wanna be more specific?

Ah, it's been a while since I last read those books... I only remember one that appeared in Pyramids! and in Small Gods... I thought they were the same camel?

[MusScribe]

Well, I just thought of the Floating Disk-powered box...

Although, I'd like to see a mounted combat focused Gnome/Halfling ride a Half-orc (or similar) into battle, now...


I've also thought about a couple that are mounts for their familiar... Using Cadaverous Familiar and Big Familiar with a Large Celestial/Fiendish/Half-Celestial/Half-Fiendish/Awakened (or similar) animal. Which, if you allowing for the size change for any animal...

I'm picturing a Zombie Baboon (familiar) riding a Large Fiendish Wolf... (Actually... it could be a zombie monkey (hmm...) riding a Small animal (like an eagle))

Oh man, now I've got a Zombie Monkey on a Fiendish (or Awakened) Eagle...

[NecroPaladin]

My gnome ranger rode on his animal companion, which was a feral Kobold named "dinner." He drooled a lot. Dinner was an awesome mount.

Lessee...For a while, or ninja used our barbarian as a mount...

Similarly, one player just rode a zombie around holding meat in front of its face because it's a tireless creature and could chase the meat for days.

Oh yeah, and I'm working on a slime domain cleric who uses two gelatinous cubes like bit shoes, stepping on things and able to just lie back on them like a bed when he gets tired, so they can keep carrying him. Just picture, waking this guy up as he seems to crawl along the ground, lounging on two blobs, when he turns angrily and goes,
'FEAR MY CUBESHOES! RAAAAAR!'

[DaMullet]

'FEAR MY CUBESHOES! RAAAAAR!'

Ladies and gentlemen, SIGGED.

[Ninja Chocobo]

Ah, it's been a while since I last read those books... I only remember one that appeared in Pyramids! and in Small Gods... I thought they were the same camel?

I think one was You Bastard and the other was Bloody Idiot. I could be wrong, though.

[Drider]

playing a lvl 17 solo mission as a ranger and encountered mutant apes, used the hide+move silently to not get noticed long enough to climb a tree, and jump on one's back rolled a 20 on ride check and had crazy amount of bonuses, but still failed.
let me re-phrase, i THOUGHT they were mutant apes(because of a bad roll, i was using knowledge (nature), but it became knowledge (the planes)...they were really Bar-Lgura

[bosssmiley]

I think one was You Bastard and the other was Bloody Idiot. I could be wrong, though.

Then there was Evil-Smelling Son of a Jackal, probably the greatest mathematician in camel history.

Weak mounts, lemme see... Dire Porcupine would just be weird. Remorhaz ditto. And how the heck are you supposed to ride a bullette?

[The_Werebear]

And how the heck are you supposed to ride a bullette?

Very Carefully.

[NecroPaladin]

Ladies and gentlemen, SIGGED.

Yay! Thank you!

[LCR]

Dire Slug...

He's slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

[Dant]

Duh, of course it's slow. That's why you need to get a racing slug instead. Much faster.

[Kami2awa]

See this guy:

http://uk.games-workshop.com/witchhunters/gallery/20/

[asqwasqw]

See this guy:

http://uk.games-workshop.com/witchhunters/gallery/20/

Dude, I want that chair...

[Talya]

Our party has befriended a very young brass dragon (small sized, 7 HD. We're level 13) that is c urrently accompanying us into the underdark. As soon as we entered, the dragon jumped on the back of our dwarf cleric and sat there on his shoulder/helmet/etc. for the remainder of the session (at least until we ran into combat.)

This cleric stinks. Quite literally. Hygiene issues. Terrible mount.