MitDxMiko. Weird, but I guess we'd get to see what MitD looks like. Unless Miko doesn't let you keep the lights on.
NalexElan. OK I'm done.
__________________
A handful of true friends, an infinite supply of sodas, a collection of bad movies, and a full supply of webcomics are all one really needs to be happy.
Awesome avatar by Keris Rain!
Last edited by Cleverdan22 : 05-16-2009 at 08:44 PM.
TsukikoxDurkon... seems okay I guess. Warning: Might contain squick.
Spoiler
Tsukiko kills Durkon. Tsukiko raises Durkon as some sort of sentient Undead. She starts an affair with Durkon in order to make Xykon jealous. During their relationship she develops real romantic feelings for him but still lusts after Xykon. A lot of wacky comedy happens and in the end, when everything is resolved and Tsukiko finds out that the only thing she really wanted was a threesome with Durkon and Xykon, everyone is devoured by the Snarl. The End.
I don't think I can do anything unless the pairing is cross gender, so I'll summarize this one and move to the next.
Spoiler
Kazumi is sapped and she and the unborn child are locked in a closet while Elan and Daigo take care of *whatever*, she wakes up, breaks down the door, beats them both unconscious in less than 15 seconds.
Let's try again..... 14 and 13 puts us with Miko and Daigo.
Alright, this works better, we'll flip back about 300 panels to when Miko was only mostly crazy and Daigo didn't have a name yet. Warning: probably not safe for work/school/children/your local necromancy cult
Spoiler
Right outside Miko's quarters
Shojo: Miko, Mr. Scruffy wants to know why you are still here. My lord. Surely you must recognize that I need to make absolutely certain I am fully prepared to capture the evil Order of the Stick, so that I might-
Shojo: Playing with Mr. Scruffy Oh, you're a good kitty, aren't you? Sir?
Shojo: Just make sure to bring them back, alive. Mr Scruffy won't have corpses littering these new rugs we've put out, now will he? Yes sir. If you will excuse me, I must finish.
Shojo: Of course. Come on Mr. Scruffy, I hear they're serving tuna today! And for dessert, they're serving a large vanilla cake with strawberry frosting!
They leave. Miko watches them leave, and then motions to a nameless soldier.
Get over here.
Soldier: Oh! You must be Miko the paladin. I've heard.............. stories about you. Listen carefully. I am in a compromising position. It seems that due to a massive influx of hormones, I am in no position to leave tonight and capture the Order of the Stick. However, I intend in no way to delay my hunt to next week.
Soldier: I don't think I understand. You are a man. I am a woman. Surely you understand the natural relation that exists between us.
Soldier: I... Are you asking me to sleep with you? I wouldn't refer to it as such, but I suppose that is the case.
Soldier: But surely the twelve gods would frown upon such scandalous behavior exhibited by an Azure Paladin? This action is the most expeditious method by which I would carry out their will. Indeed, this is the will of the gods, that is, for their chosen one to consummate her human flaws with that of another.
In Miko's room
Soldier: Oh, this is so hot, Miko. I do feel as though my temperature has gone up, yes.
Soldier: Oh Miko, I......... Um........
Soldier: Um........
Soldier: .................
Soldier: .................
Soldier: Um......... I'm sorry? GET OUT OF MY ROOM. NOW.She grabs her sword from her nightstand.
Soldier: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! He runs out of the room, grabbing his underwear. ................................ Apparently I have to take care of this myself.
End.
I think there's something wrong with me.
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Husband: "Should I be concerned with the fact that you were caught exposing yourself to various members of the Zargonian government?"
Rounain: "Should I be concerned with the three nights you spent with your ‘aide’ in a motel last week?"
Husband: "Touché..."
Husband: "I wasn't there. I was talking with my aide in my office."
Rounain: "Talking?"
Husband: "...Shut up."
Incidentally, kudos to the Giant for improving the server. It isn't perfect yet, but this one alone has almost eliminated the problems I've been facing when posting. I had to preview it like ten times while writing it so I wouldn't log, and had no delays any of those times.
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Husband: "Should I be concerned with the fact that you were caught exposing yourself to various members of the Zargonian government?"
Rounain: "Should I be concerned with the three nights you spent with your ‘aide’ in a motel last week?"
Husband: "Touché..."
Husband: "I wasn't there. I was talking with my aide in my office."
Rounain: "Talking?"
Husband: "...Shut up."
Soldier: Oh, this is so hot, Miko. I do feel as though my temperature has gone up, yes.
Soldier: Oh Miko, I......... Um........
Soldier: Um........
Soldier: .................
Soldier: .................
Soldier: Um......... I'm sorry? GET OUT OF MY ROOM. NOW.She grabs her sword from her nightstand.
Soldier: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! He runs out of the room, grabbing his underwear. ................................ Apparently I have to take care of this myself.
I got DurkonXDurkon... No. Even with gender-flipping. (4,4)
MikoXDurkon. Maybe.(13,4)
BelkarXHaley. Maybe.(3,5)
KazumiXDurkon. I think my D20 is broken, what's with all these fours?(20,15,4)
MikoXTsuikoXXykon. (20,13, 11, 9)
CeliaXRedcloak. (16,10) This one deserves a better writer then me.
Ok, I'll do the second one.
Miko ran her hand through her dark hair, closing her eyes. She was lost, and there was no one to guide her. She had found the order as Lord Shojo had ordered, but her life had begun to get complicated. To her, there had always been good and evil. Something was right, or it wasn't. Compromise was not something that had a place in her life, and until meeting the order she had been secure in this. Now she wasn't so sure.
She thought Roy was a good man, or at least he tried to be, and yet he willfully fraternized with the unsaved. The wizard was prideful, arrogant and condescending, and if not for the urgency of her mission Miko would have enjoyed watching the effects of her hubris. The rogue was a self-confessed criminal, greedy and self-centred to a fault, who the twelve gods had no doubt a special fate in store for. And then there was the halfling, a narcistic psychopath whose existence made Miko question what she had always considered beyond doubt, that there was good in the universe.
And yet, despite this, they seemed to achieve more good then the Saphire guard, in helping the helpless, for the most part without expecting recompense.
"What's got ye worried, lass?" Said a voice, deep and rich behind her. And then there was Durkon. Of them all, the dwarfs inherent goodness shined like a light. In a way she envied him, for the ease in which he found living to his values and morals, and the easy faith he held in his god. She herself found faith with little trouble, but she agonised for hours over her purpose, while he had no such troubles.
"Nothing." She said, a little to quickly, brushing a stray hair from her forehead.
"I dinnae believe that, lass. Ye've been silent now, fer close to an hour."
Miko looked down at his calm, honest earnest expression, totally without guile, his dark eyes twinkling behind his thick beard.
Miko opened her mouth, then closed it. She suddenly felt a bit flushed, and didn't know what to say. Sensing her worry with surprising insight, Durkon wrapped a brawny arm around her shoulders.
Surprising herself, Miko accomodated the dwarf, making room for him to sit next to her. "I'm... lost." She said, unused to admitting weakness. She had been raised to be hard, both in the monestry and the Sapphire Guard, and it had been a surprise to find she was considered quite feminine when taken outside this context.
Durkon inclined his head. "Well lass, don't let that bother ye. Tha' god's have a plan fer each o' us, but dinnae expect tae fall into it. Just live yer life as best ye can, and sooner or later ye'll find yer way." He soothed, his hand unconsciously stroking her hair. She nestled against him, and slowly began to relax. At last he removed his arm and slipped away.
"Don't go." She murmered, a slight plea in her tone. "Please. I don't want to be alone."
He turned, and for a second she looked very small, a little girl in a women's body.
"I trust you Durkon. Please. Stay a while."
Sorry, I have to stop writing this before my brain spontaneously combusts.
Here is the Belkar/Haley. Ooooh, weapon shrinkage. Well, I didn't want to, anyway.
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 12:54 AM.
Reason: Needed to be longer.
You call THIS crack pairings? XD Crack pairings are supposed to induce Will saves against Insanity, their very concept must be so horrible that anyone who hears of them will immediately commit suicide out of a complete loss of faith in humanity!
How about this?
Mr. Scruffy/The Snarl
Spoiler
The small white cat mewed meekly as he struggled against his chain. A blush glowed under his soft white fur as he gazed up. The Azure City Gate was gone and in its place was a tear in the fabric of the universe... It had grown so large, mesmerizing the eye as it pulsated with passionate energies. As it suddenly noticed him, the pulsation stopped briefly, then recommenced at a greater speed. Slowly but steadily, the Snarl extended one gnarled paw through the rift, reaching towards the white feline...
Ancient Black Dragon/Inkyrius
Spoiler
"No, STOP!" Inkyrius screamed. The dragon raised her head, her attention no longer on the children for a moment as she regarded the elf with dark curiosity. "Please, don't hurt them! Anything but that!" Kyrie pleaded, frantically searching the dragon's red eyes for mercy and finding none. "Please, let them live! Take me instead!"
"How touching," the dragon grunted with amusement. "But you make an interesting proposition, and perhaps I may be persuaded to disregard my revenge, for a certain price..."
"What is it you ask? I will do anything!"
"Oh, I am sure you will. I doubt your dear purple-haired spouse would approve, but that makes my revenge all the sweeter..."
Thus saying, the dragon leaned close and whispered, "Acid Immunity."
IFCC Fiends/The Chimera Trigak
Spoiler
"...And after we had torn ourselves free of the tentacles, the halfling got the jump on us and killed us."
"Fascinating," Cedrik muttered. "However, this tells us little about the Order that we did not already know - although it IS interesting that the elf knows that spell - so I'm afraid you'll be off to the Lemure Pit once we're done."
"We COULD put the Chimera to better use," Lee interjected.
"Precisely," Nero agreed. "We're always on the lookout for new employees, after all. So allow us to make you an offer - you support us in our scheme, and in exchange we provide you with a far more pleasant fate than what befalls most of those who are damned to the Lower Planes."
"*Additional terms of service and payment to be specified at a later date," Cedrik and Lee muttered in unison.
"What sort of service are you looking for?" the Chimera asked, all three heads showing curiosity and slight suspicion.
"Oh, the usual sort.... Espionage, retrieval missions, escort, assassinations...." Lee replied in a steady drawl.
"Additionally, there may be some other ways you could be of use to us," Nero added. At the surprised glances from his colleagues and the confused expressions of the Chimera, he shrugged. "What? There are three of us and three of them."
Bandit Leader/Rhino out of Roy's Bag of Tricks
Spoiler
...You know what? I'm not touching this one.
__________________
*Above post: Additional terms and restrictions may apply.
My OotS fanart thread: click here for proof that I have no life. Or, if you're debating with me and need fuel for an ad hominem, click for proof that I AM hopelessly fixated on Vaarsuvius.:)
Spliced!Kyrie avatar by Zanaril. Who else? My Deviantart gallery
Kaytara, you are right.
Roll twice on the first table, then do as instructed.
1 Innitial table
2 Pathetic table
3 lightweight table
4 heavyweight table
1 Roy
2 Durkon
3 Celia
4 Xykon
5 Tsuiko
6 Vaarsuvius
7 Monster in The Dark
8 Miko
9 Nale
10 Elan
11 Haley
12 Belkar
13 Lord Shojo
14 Redcloak
15 Hinjo
16 Diago
17 Kazumi
18 Inkyrius
19 Roll again twice
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
Pathetic table
1 The guy with The halberd
2 Sarah Greenhilt
3 Haley's dad
4 Tanh
5 Julio Scoundrel
6 Mr Rodrigez
7 Horace Greenhilt
8 Therkla
9 Zzz'Dtri
10 YokYok
11 Leeky Windstaff
12 The Cliffport chief of police
13 Windstriiker
14 Jirix
15 Lien
16 Argent
17 Yor
18 Roll again twice
19 Roll again on the lightweight table
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
Lightweight Table
1 Soon Kim (incorporeal)
2 Shadowdancer
3 Hilga (If Durkon, roll again)
4 Durokan
5 Bozzok
6 Crystal
7 Bandit King
8 Ancient Black Dragon
9 O-Chul
10 The Snarl
11 The Eye of Fear and Flame
12 Lord Kabuto
13 Thog
14 Julia Greenhilt
15 Belkar
16 The oracle
17 Jephton/Haetra/Ganneron
18 Add a random template to one of the characters
19 Roll again twice
20 Switch to the Heavyweight table
Heavyweight Table
1 The dragon's hoard
2 The chimera
3 The really dangerous trap
4 Roy's Archon
5 The Hydra
6 Teevo
7 Xykon's zombie dragon head
8 Roy's sword
9 The entire Hobgoblin army
10 The orc chieftain
11 The IFCC
12 Durkon while under the effects of Thor's might
13 Mr Scruffy
14 Hieronymus Grubwiggler
15 All of the Demon Roaches at once
16 Flesh golem Roy
17 Roll again on any table but spell characters name wrong
18 Roll again three times
19 Roll again on all of the tables, and add each character you roll to the pairing
20 Genderswitch (If Vaarsuvius, roll again)
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 02:27 AM.
Reason: Made it better
How's that? I tried to tone it down a little, we don't want to psychologically scar people who don't do it to themselves
I got InkyriusXBozzok (18,5)
Spoiler
The sort of masculine looking feminine elf eyed the enormous figure before him. "But I can't pay you!" it wailed. "My Mate has take our earnings to help master the way of magic.
Bozzok shook his head. "Then I will have to take it some other way. I am not running a charity."
Inkyrius eyed the adopted progeny seated nervously on the half-orcs powerful thigh. Rubbing their hair with a strong, calloused hand, the Half-orc leered at him. "Nothing personal." He gloated, reaching for the immense bastard sword hanging on his hip.
"Please don't. Please."
"I'm not much for mercy."
"I'll do anything."
With exaggerated care, the half-orc put the children aside. "That's what I was waiting for.
Suddenly leaping to his feet he shoved the elf against the wall, The hair on his weather-beaten chin pricking Inkyrius like wires. "I'll take anything then." Said Bozzok nibbling the elf's ear. Inkyrius shuddered, but the half-orc ignored him, running his sandpaper hands down the smooth muscles on Inkyrius's belly. "Try to relax..."
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 02:35 AM.
Reason: extended the story
Wouldn't you need an elaborate grouping of successive tables like in older editions of the game?
Like starting with a d4:
1- Male
2- Female
3- Gender agnostic/neutral
4- Reroll
Then each of those leads to a table with the appropriate persons on it.
Example, Roy would appear on both Male and Female tables, while V would appear on Table 3, along with any monsters or other creature that do not have a clearly defined gender.
Oh well I rolled on the initial tables and ended up with: 17,16,8; then 17,15,5
Roll 1d20 for a plot device to spice up your pairing:
1. One-sided love
2. Love potion
3. Being very drunk
4. Snowed in
5. Stuck on a desert island
6. In the afterlife
7. Aliens Made Them Do It (not necessarily literal aliens)
8. True love
9. Love/hate relationship
10. Adultery
11. Pregnancy (use male pregnancy if needed)
12. Pink frills and white lace
13. French maid costume
14. Police/military uniform
15. High heels and black leather
16. American high school setting
17. Someone is a vampire
18. Everyone is a furry version of themselves
19. Something not PG enough to mention on this board
20. Roll again twice
For example, my first attempt resulted in pairing Windstriker/the really dangerous trap using drunkenness as a plot device. The things a paladin horse can do while really drunk...
Rolling again
Horace Greenhilt and Xykon.(7,4) Deserves better attention then I can give it.
O-Chul and Thog. OK, I got this. (I rolled Highschool setting, but no. No on so many levels).
Spoiler
"So What are you here for?" Asked the bearded man, his bare chest covered with ropey scars and burns, and other, fresher wounds. His beard was filthy and matted with dirt and clots of his own blood, but his dark eyes still burned with a defiance that could never be extinguished.
"thog got lost, nale gone, talky skelington find thog, he say me look like minion mat-eri-al." Thog replied, his brow creased with the intellectual effort of dredging up memories. "he say there ice cream. And puppies." The barbarian continued, a happy smile revealing the childlike simplicity behind the brutish exterior.
O-Chul let out a short, barking laugh. "There is nothing here but gruel and darkness, my friend. But your welcome to it."
The big half-orc squatted down next to him. "me not hungry now. thog miss leprechaun costume."
O'Chul blinked, then shrugged. Why not?
"me like you. you not talky. you listen to thog." The barbarian said, coming in and hugging the paladin. For a second O-Chul flinched, expecting he was about to be attacked, but then shrugged and hugged the barbarian awkwardly.
"Even Nale not make Thog feel this way." Said Thog, sliding his hands towards the paladins perfect butt.
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 05:18 AM.
Reason: I could.
I got BelkarxVxMiko as furries. My brain is melting out of my ears.
__________________
Spoiler
On behalf of YoSaffBridge, a collected gent who also hails from the UK, I would like to apologize for the time (times?) he told your lovely children that they were possessed by El Diablo. He has his own issues to work out, and occasionally suffers from the honest delusion that small children are demons. Plus, he’s a bastard. I guess that’s not really an excuse, but I did say these would be sincere.
How's that? I tried to tone it down a little, we don't want to psychologically scar people who don't do it to themselves
If they don't want the mental scarring then they shouldn't click on the thread title. What else do they expect?!
BTW, your first one is even more disturbing when you realise the kids are still there. I commend you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaytara
Ancient Black Dragon/Inkyrius
Spoiler
"No, STOP!" Inkyrius screamed. The dragon raised her head, her attention no longer on the children for a moment as she regarded the elf with dark curiosity. "Please, don't hurt them! Anything but that!" Kyrie pleaded, frantically searching the dragon's red eyes for mercy and finding none. "Please, let them live! Take me instead!"
"How touching," the dragon grunted with amusement. "But you make an interesting proposition, and perhaps I may be persuaded to disregard my revenge, for a certain price..."
"What is it you ask? I will do anything!"
"Oh, I am sure you will. I doubt your dear purple-haired spouse would approve, but that makes my revenge all the sweeter..."
Thus saying, the dragon leaned close and whispered, "Acid Immunity."
And that's why, a few decades later, we have a half-elf half-dragon running/flying around. Makes you wonder about the mechanics involved.
__________________
This post may contain sarcasm. DeviantArt
Thank you. I just realized that myself. Adds a whole new level of depravity, doesn't it? Well, I'm not changing it, if that's what you mean.
Hey, I just got the orc chieftain and Sarah Greenhilt. and that's where thog's come from.
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 05:55 AM.
So, apparently I've got Orc CheftianxGiant DurcenxO-ChoolxRoy with a french maid costume as a plot device... I wouldn't write this if you paid me for it.
TsukikoxLord Kubota stuck on a desert island
Spoiler
Tsukiko's diary day 9
I'm stuck for more than a week on this lame island in the middle of nowhere. My flight and teleport spells don't seem to work here, so there's not much I can do about it now. Today some aristocrat shmuck named Daimyo Kubota was got washed ashore. He gave a long boring speach about some boring plan of his that had failed. He wouldn't stop talking for hours, so I cracked his skull open with a rock and raised him as a zombie - at least I'll have something to entertain myself with for as long as I'm stuck here.
Mr Rodrigez, Roy, Sarah Greenhilt (Unpleasant connotations there), Crystal and The Dragon’s hoard (6,19,1,6,8,1) (Love Potion)
Horace Greenhilt and genderswitched Bozzok. (13,20,5) (1-sided love)
Therkla and Crystal (8,6) Ok, I can do this. (20,19,15,)
Spoiler
Therkla woke up, totally nude. Most people would be embarrassed or self-conscious, but Therkla paid it no mind. After all, she was in excellent shape, and had won Ms Ironclaw Tribe pageant three times before her parents had come to azure city. What did she have to worry about?
Beside her was another girl, slightly slimmer but yet to fill out as far. Her face was long and narrow, and her hair had been cut so it only brushed the tips of her ears. Therkla found herself staring at the woman's full lips, wondering what they tasted like, but shook her head. That ship had sailed.
Walking over through the otherwise featureless room, she came at last to a wardrobe, where she searched for something that she could wear comfortably. Unfortunately, whoever owned this room seemed to have taken fashion advice from Mistress of pain, and all there was were tight leather bustiers made for someone two sizes too small. Squishing her boobs painfully she forced herself into the corset, then looked around for something else. At last she found a miniskirt, which she figured was better then nothing, and slid it on. Then she turned back to her bed partner, paying close attention to her long, lean form. A slow smile began to slide over her face. Taking a riding crop from the top shelf, as well as a few other choice "Toys" (She had exotic 'weapon' proficiency "Far East," and plenty of ranks in 'Use device') She walked over to the girl. Standing over to her, she slapped the crop on her thigh. "Wake up." She said with a sultry smirk. "I've got something for you. (Eventually they decide to team up and take out Haley so Therkla can get Elan.)
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 05-17-2009 at 06:12 AM.
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My lord. Surely you must recognize that I need to make absolutely certain I am fully prepared to capture the evil Order of the Stick, so that I might-
However, I intend in no way to delay my hunt to next week.
Ooooh, weapon shrinkage.
Well, I didn't want to, anyway.
and that's where thog's come from.
