Nah, it's just Elan that's not allowed to say "playa".
The rest of us can say playa as much as we like. For instance, I've said playa twice already, not counting this sentence, and if you did I would have said play- *sklrkt*
That goes for all of you.
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Point of criticism - V giving in to sudden lust and kissing someone without being able to control himself is highly out of character. It would work with more abnormal circumstances, like if Belkar had slipped an aphrodisiac into V's morning tea as a prank, but the way it is now? Sorry, too blatantly screaming THIS IS A FANFIC AND NOT THE REAL VAARSUVIUS! for me.
Otherwise, though, highly amusing. :P
Oh gods, I actually read it, didn't I??? O.O
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It's not supposed to make sense. I wrote this as it came to me and I perfectly know it's out of character. Most of the humor comes from this fact.
And aphrodisiac will now be the official explanation.
"Okay, who put aphrodisiac in V's tea?" "It wasn't me but I'd have done it if I knew the paladin'd come. Score!" "I found it in the dragon's cave and I figured Vaarsuvius would like it since it's a big, complicated word."
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Last edited by Dark Faun : 07-11-2009 at 10:54 AM.
I got Xykon and Julio Scoundrel. A bit boring, but I've had enough stupid ones.
Julio Scoundrel shook his head, irritation clear on his face. He'd been doing the whole dashing hero thing now for, what, call it twenty years. Twenty five at the most, and had a good idea of how these sort of things were supposed to work out. You sneak in past the easily duped guards, defeat a bumbling lieutenant in swordplay, find the attractive girl locked up, rescue her, foil whatever dastardly plan the evil overlord was a-planning and the fly into the sunset.
Mind you, the first part had worked like a charm. The he'd left the guards unconscious and snuck into the tower, only to watch it all go down hill from there. The lieutenant (that he'd initially taken as a generic goblin) had spotted him right away and given as good as he got, and by the time he staggered to the room where the girl he had planned to rescue stayed he had found that not only was she attracted to her employer, but she was a career girl quite happy where she was. He'd tried to leave but the bloody goblin had come back and knocked him cold.
When he awoke he felt his shoulders burning as the chains pulled them back up the wall, and his feet were manacled together. Standing in front of him was a tall skeleton in a blue robe, with a tattered red cape and a badass crown at a jaunt angle.
"You know what gets under my skin? Metaphorically of course." The lich began, his unsettlingly deep voice managing to sound sarcastic and menacing all at once. "Want to be hero types like you who think they can just come in here and steal stuff." Julio opened his mouth, but the lich hit him with a hand like a bagful of dice, bruising his jaw. Ah. It was gong to be one of those sort of questionings.
"Really I don't care why. You probably think you have a good reason, not that I care. But the crux of the matter is you screwed up, and now i get to hurt you. Redcloak says I should just kill you, and hey, he's probably right, but who's to argue? I want to have fun, and that's the end of it." Reaching forward he took Julio's chin and forcibly tilted it to meet his eye sockets. "Nice face though. Be a shame to ruin it. Unless..." He trailed off, as though the idea had only just occurred to him, but Julio was already shaking his head."
"Sorry you sick freak, but I don't swing that way."
To his surprise the lich chuckled softly, his laughter lacking timbre or volume. "lack of flesh a problem to you pretty boy?" he sneered, then laughed again as Julio gaped. Xykon again looked exactly as he had before he became undead. Julio was considered by many to be the epitome of male attractiveness, but Xykon was attractive in a way only an epic level scorceror with maxed out charisma could be. He had high cheekbones, a face like a statue of a roman god and even the crows feet at the corners of his eyes looked intentional, the perfect addition to his perfect face. The robe didn't do much for his figure, but Xykon could have dressed in an old pile of sheets and still oozed masculinity. Julio felt his mouth go dry.
"So, ready to have some fun?" Xykon asked, his lips inches away from Julio's, "Or do you prefer to take it slow..."
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"Okay, who put aphrodisiac in V's tea?" "It wasn't me but I'd have done it if I knew the paladin'd come. Score!" "I found it in the dragon's cave and I figured Vaarsuvius would like it since it's a big, complicated word."
What's funniest is that the dragon had it in the first place.
And Xykon/Julio is not as disturbing as it should be.
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How about something semi-plausible for a change? :P
Like... *rolls* Um, Vaarsuvius x gender-flipped Durkon?
I'm just telling you, the brain damage might be bigger if it actually sounds somewhat plausible. Think of the opportunities!
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Re: Crack Pairings Matchup Table
"Okay, who put aphrodisiac in V's tea?"
"I found it in the dragon's cave and I figured Vaarsuvius would like it since it's a big, complicated word."
.
