Hello, and welcome to the Third Crack Pairings thread. If you haven't read the previous ones yet, you can do so here and here.
Or, if you don't wish to read through all 99 pages, here's the short version: we have a roller and some tables. You roll a pairing, and maybe a plot device, then you write it, draw it, act it out, interpretive dance it, whatever! Apparently we like this sort of thing.
Please remember to keep it clean, folks! The board rules still apply!
When posting a pairing, please at least try to do something with it. We like it when people try!
New: Sure, we won't be winning any Oscars or anything, but that doesn't mean we can't have our own little awards.
Should you wish to roll a pairing, Sgeo coded up a roller for us. If you want that personal touch, go roll on the tables, or make up your own pairing!
Banners!
Spoiler
Image hosting sites only allow pictures to get a small amount of bandwidth. If you could, please upload banners to an account of your own to not use as much bandwidth for our talented artists, 'less all the beautiful banners disappear.
Text:
Zanaril's
Spoiler
Funky Goose's
Spoiler
Discord's
Spoiler
Saeyan
Spoiler
rangermania
Spoiler
Trixie
Spoiler
MReav
Spoiler
Kaytara
Spoiler
half-halfling
Spoiler
Tables!
Spoiler
Initial Table
Roll 2d6 (or more!) decide which tables to pick the characters from.
OotS Table 1
OotS Table 2
OotS Table 3
OotS Table 4
Minion List
Dead Guy List
Table 1 - By Minion992929
Roy
Durkon
Celia
Xykon
Tsukiko
Vaarsuvius
Monster in The Dark
Miko
Nale
Elan
Haley
Belkar
Lord Shojo
Redcloak
Hinjo
Daigo
Kazumi
Inkyrius
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender
Table 2 - By Minion 992929
The Guy with a halberd
Sarah Greenhilt
Haley's dad
Thanh
Julio Scoundrél
Mr. Rodriguez
Horace Greenhilt
Therkla
Zz'Dtri
YokYok
Leeky Windstaff
The Cliffport chief of police
Windstriker
Jirix
Lien
Argent
Yor
Roll again twice
Roll again on twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender
Table 3 - By Minion992929
Soon Kim (incorporeal)
Shadowdancer
Hilgya
Dorukan
Bozzok
Crystal
Bandit King
Ancient Black Dragon
O-Chul
The Snarl
The Eye of Fear and Flame
Lord Kubota
Thog
Julia Greenhilt
Belkar
The oracle
Jephton/Haerta/Ganneron
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender
Table 4 - By Minion 992929
The dragon's hoard
The chimera
The really dangerous trap
Roy's Archon
The Hydra
Teevo
Xykon's zombie dragon head
Roy's sword
The entire Hobgoblin army
The orc chieftain
The IFCC
Durkon while under the effects of Thor's might
Mr Scruffy
Hieronymus Grubwiggler
All of the Demon Roaches at once
Bone golem Roy
Roll again twice
Roll again on Tables 1, 2, and 3
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender
Minion List -Made By MReav
Goblin
Hobgoblin
Kobold
Ogre
Lizardfolk
Bug-people
Azure City Soldier
Bandit or Thieves Guild Member
Orc
Owlbear
Troll (flip coin to determine land or sea)
Zombie
Ghoul
City Guardsman
Angel-thing
Ghost Martyr
Roll again on another table.
Roll again twice
Roll Again and invert alignment
Roll again for minion army
Dead Guy List -Made By MReav
Samantha
Sangwaan
Hobgoblin General
Azure City General
Death Knight
Huecva
Trigak
Earth Dungeon Guardian
Fire Dungeon Guardian
Kraagor
Mijung
Eugene Greenhilt
Old Blind Pete
Giant Devil
Buggy-Lou
Isamu.
Roll Again on a different table
Roll Again Twice
Roll Again and Switch Gender
Roll again. If you roll this option twice in a row: Eastern Pantheon and World 1.0
Supplemental Plot Devices (Optional!) - By Nerdanel
Unrequited love
Love potion
Drunkenness
Snowed in
Stuck on a desert island
In the afterlife
Aliens Made Them Do It (not necessarily literal aliens)
True love
Love/hate relationship
Adultery
Pregnancy (use male pregnancy if needed)
Pink frills and white lace
French maid costume
Police/military uniform
High heels and black leather
American high school setting
Someone is a vampire
Everyone is a furry version of themselves
Kidnapped (By somebody inside or outside of the pairing)
Roll again twice
Of course, feel free to make up your own pairings!
The worst part is that I had the idea to post a thread very similar to this one and did not follow through. Of all the bad luck...
__________________
Thanks Dogmantra for the two-face dressed up as him. http://dragcave.ath.cx/user/49682
Click the dragons please!
Thanks to Nevitan for the Two Scale Dragon Avatar!
Spoiler
Thank you Nevitan
__________________________________________________ ____ Last edited by (Big Brother):Today at Zero Hour.
Now seems an excellent time to ask a burning question. How does one hotlink images? I only just now realised the banner in my sig does absolutely nothing.
Now seems an excellent time to ask a burning question. How does one hotlink images? I only just now realised the banner in my sig does absolutely nothing.
Put [url="http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=129876"] [/url] around the image.
__________________
This post may contain sarcasm. DeviantArt
You know, I was going to give it a try, but I think that generator thing is trying to kill me...
(Windstriker + (Miko + Thanh + (Ancient Black Dragon + Ancient Black Dragon))) + (Daigo + (Therkla + Belkar))
Ugh, that would be quite the story. maybe I'll try it later....
Crack Pairings Art Compilation
A compilation of the art made specifically for the Crack Pairings Thread.
Spoiler
Art by Belkster11
Sangwaan and Hinjo.
Art by CheeseMuncher
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.
Belkar.
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.
Vaarsuvius and Roy.
Xykon and Redcloak.
Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.
Tsukiko and Redcloak.
Tsukiko and Redcloak, coloured version.
Spliced Inkyrius.
Vaarsuvius.
Child of Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.
Art by Delorges
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.
Miko and O-Chul.
Art by Expeditious
Vaarsuvius and Blackwing.
Art by Funky Goose
A comic version of Water-Smurf's Vaarsuvius/Redcloak story.
Half-dragon child of Belkar.
Young Roy and the Little Psion that Could.
Art by half-halfling
Vaarsuvius and V's personifications of femininity and masculinity.
Vaarsuvius, Inkyrius, their children and the soul splice.
Tsukiko and Jirix.
Haley and Vaarsuvius.
MiTD and Tsukiko.
Child of Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.
Vaarsuvius' Parent and young Vaarsuvius.
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.
Art by Kaytara
Vaarsuvius.
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.
Vaarsuvius.
Vaarsuvius and Roy.
Vaarsuvius and Roy, coloured version.
Young Vaarsuvius.
Art by Kirby
Haley and Vaarsuvius.
Spliced Elan.
Art by The Neoclassic
Lien and the Yellow-Eyed Fiend.
Evil Lien.
Art by Saeyan
Vaarsuvius with a Miko doll.
Vaarsuvius with a Miko doll.
Aarindarius and Inkyrius.
Zz'dtri and Vaarsuvius.
Inkyrius.
Aarindarius, Inkyrius, and Vaarsuvius.
A wanted sign for Zanaril.
Vaarsuvius.
Inkyrius and Aarindarius, with Vaarsuvius and Zz'dtri in chibi form.
Aarindarius, Inkyrius, and Vaarsuvius.
Inkyrius, Vaarsuvius, and Aarindarius.
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.
Art by Tira-chan
Spock and Vaarsuvius.
Art by TooManySecrets
Female living Xykon.
Art by Trixie
Celia and Belkar.
Xykon, Tsukiko, and Miko.
Art by Zanaril
Undead Vaarsuvius and Xykon.
Miko and Vaarsuvius.
Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.
Xykon.
Spliced Inkyrius.
Spliced Inkyrius.
Spliced Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.
Young Vaarsuvius.
Okay, that's good. Go ahead and post guys.
I must compliment the artists involved! Bravi tutti! Especially the authors of the two comics in there. Tsukiko's last line to Redcloak and the reaction to it is really touching. And the one with V on the deserted island with his mental projections made me laugh. :)
Finally! And now I'll write the first crack-pairing. I will allow myself to get into it for the sake of seeing if I'm cured or not. But My warning still applies!
Spoiler
"Yup, you pass."
Tsukiko stands up from the chair and proceeds to the staircase. With each step, she recalled the chain of events that made her take the test of the heart.
Xykon was becoming ever more aggressive and angry over his phylactery. He even made her go down to the sewers once and search with the hobgoblins over some casual remark she made on dead weight! Her clothes smelled horrible after spending all day down there looking.
Then a few days ago, she heard Xykon yelling at Redcloak. She of course never passed an opportunity to watch Reddy get scolded. Xykon yelled that he lost his patience and would start killing a hobgoblin a minute until the phylactery was found. Redcloak begged him not to and instead told him that one of the city's books mentioned an oracle. He told him that the oracle could probably locate the phylactery.
And of course Redcloak volunteered her, HER, of all people! But she wasn't about to say no to a blind with rage Xykon. So here she was, a few days later at the oracles place.
She walked up the last few steps to the upper room.
"Hey, Oracle! You in here? I have something to ask... you?"
"Ah, Tsukiko. Perfect."
"I know I am. But, are you the oracle?"
"That I am."
"Good. Then I have a question for you."
"Right. So how will you be paying?"
"Paying?"
"Yes, pay. I don't run a charity here."
"Well... I don't have money on me."
"Well, there alternative payments." He points to a flyer on the wall.
We accept:
-Cash (No electum)
-Immortal souls
-Magic beans
-Your voice
"Hmmm... Well the only immortal soul I can think of is Xykon. But I don't think that would be appropriate. And what the heck are magic beans?"
"I don't really know myself. I just know someone who'd buy them. So you'll be paying with your voice then?"
"What?! NO! My voice is perfectly pitched! No one elses in the world can match to it!"
"Alright. Then you can get out. It was fun chatting with you."
"Oh no you don't! You will tell me what I want or else!" Her hand glowed with necromatic energy, then all of a sudden, it dissappeared. "Huh? What happened?"
"Isn't it amazing how I always have the right magic items for situations like these. Or should I say the lack of. For this entire building disrupts all magic in it. Anyways, I have a bath to take. Can't keep ducky waiting."
"No, Wait! I can't go back without that information! He'll kill me and bind my soul!"
"Well, sucks to be you."
"Oh, please! I do anything!"
"Anything?"
"Yes! Anything!"
"You say you're perfect, right?"
"Uh... Ya. But what does that have anything to do with-"
"I want your perfect body."
"What?!"
"Oh, just for a while."
"Why would I agree to anything like that?!"
"Because it sounds like you'll lose you body permanently if you go back empty handed."
Tsukiko looks at the smug kobold with anger. Though she knew he was right, she couldn't go back without that information. Come to think of it, Xykon would probably torture her before killing and soul binding.
"...Fine. What do you want me to do?"
"Excellent! Just toss your clothes over there and come in this room."
Tsukiko slowly pulled off her clothes, silently cursing the reptile. She then proceeds into the room where there was a bed.
"You want me on the bed?"
"Of course!"
"Figures." She couldn't believe she had been reduced to prostitution to get what she needed. "So why do you want to do this anyways?"
"Well, to tell the truth, I've always been disgusted with you mammals on how you reproduce. But I've decided to find out why it's such a big screaming deal. I even got some special toys for such and occation."
Tsukiko didn't like the sound of that, but knew she had no choice. She just laid there as the kobold crept to her with various devices in hand.
*************
Tsukiko lay there, panting heavily. Pain was felt in all the more sensitive areas. Tiny claw marks were evident on her breasts in particular.
"That will do. We're finished."
She sits half up. "Truly? We're done?"
"Yup. It was an enlightening experience for me."
Tsukiko then gets out of bed, wincing at each step she took as she went to retrieve her clothes. As she finished putting on the last of it she turned to the kobold. "Remember your promise!"
"Yes, I know. I'll keep my word."
"Good. So answer my question!"
"Make it official."
"Fine. When and where will Xykon's phylactery be found?"
"Xykon's Phylactery will be found in 5 minutes in the sewers by one of the hobgoblins that are looking for it."
Tsukiko stood there, just starting to comprehend what the kobold just said.
"Th-Then... this means that you just tricked me into-"
"Thank you! Have a nice day!"
He pushes Tsukiko outside.
"YOU STUPID KOBOLD!! I WILL REMEMBER THIS!!"
*Slam* The door shuts. Tsukiko walks down the road.
"That stupid kobold. He thinks that I will take this laying down? Oh he has another thing coming. There's no way he'll get away with this. When I get back, I'm going to grab as many zombies as I can and march right back here. Let's see how he responds when a bunch of mindless undead come in to eat his brain that is so much of a waste with...
...
...Huh? How'd I get here?"
She looks around bewildered.
"And why do I hurt so much?"
She looks under her shirt and see's the claw marks.
"I guess I got into a fight or something. Cure Moderate Wounds! Now to get back to Xykon. I can't believe they sent me all the way here just so they can find it when I'm gone. It's not like anything interesting happened here after all."
I'm curious how my vacation worked. What does everyone think?
Finally! And now I'll write the first crack-pairing. I will allow myself to get into it for the sake of seeing if I'm cured or not. But My warning still applies!
Spoiler
"Yup, you pass."
Tsukiko stands up from the chair and proceeds to the staircase. With each step, she recalled the chain of events that made her take the test of the heart.
Xykon was becoming ever more aggressive and angry over his phylactery. He even made her go down to the sewers once and search with the hobgoblins over some casual remark she made on dead weight! Her clothes smelled horrible after spending all day down there looking.
Then a few days ago, she heard Xykon yelling at Redcloak. She of course never passed an opportunity to watch Reddy get scolded. Xykon yelled that he lost his patience and would start killing a hobgoblin a minute until the phylactery was found. Redcloak begged him not to and instead told him that one of the city's books mentioned an oracle. He told him that the oracle could probably locate the phylactery.
And of course Redcloak volunteered her, HER, of all people! But she wasn't about to say no to a blind with rage Xykon. So here she was, a few days later at the oracles place.
She walked up the last few steps to the upper room.
"Hey, Oracle! You in here? I have something to ask... you?"
"Ah, Tsukiko. Perfect."
"I know I am. But, are you the oracle?"
"That I am."
"Good. Then I have a question for you."
"Right. So how will you be paying?"
"Paying?"
"Yes, pay. I don't run a charity here."
"Well... I don't have money on me."
"Well, there alternative payments." He points to a flyer on the wall.
We accept:
-Cash (No electum)
-Immortal souls
-Magic beans
-Your voice
"Hmmm... Well the only immortal soul I can think of is Xykon. But I don't think that would be appropriate. And what the heck are magic beans?"
"I don't really know myself. I just know someone who'd buy them. So you'll be paying with your voice then?"
"What?! NO! My voice is perfectly pitched! No one elses in the world can match to it!"
"Alright. Then you can get out. It was fun chatting with you."
"Oh no you don't! You will tell me what I want or else!" Her hand glowed with necromatic energy, then all of a sudden, it dissappeared. "Huh? What happened?"
"Isn't it amazing how I always have the right magic items for situations like these. Or should I say the lack of. For this entire building disrupts all magic in it. Anyways, I have a bath to take. Can't keep ducky waiting."
"No, Wait! I can't go back without that information! He'll kill me and bind my soul!"
"Well, sucks to be you."
"Oh, please! I do anything!"
"Anything?"
"Yes! Anything!"
"You say you're perfect, right?"
"Uh... Ya. But what does that have anything to do with-"
"I want your perfect body."
"What?!"
"Oh, just for a while."
"Why would I agree to anything like that?!"
"Because it sounds like you'll lose you body permanently if you go back empty handed."
Tsukiko looks at the smug kobold with anger. Though she knew he was right, she couldn't go back without that information. Come to think of it, Xykon would probably torture her before killing and soul binding.
"...Fine. What do you want me to do?"
"Excellent! Just toss your clothes over there and come in this room."
Tsukiko slowly pulled off her clothes, silently cursing the reptile. She then proceeds into the room where there was a bed.
"You want me on the bed?"
"Of course!"
"Figures." She couldn't believe she had been reduced to prostitution to get what she needed. "So why do you want to do this anyways?"
"Well, to tell the truth, I've always been disgusted with you mammals on how you reproduce. But I've decided to find out why it's such a big screaming deal. I even got some special toys for such and occation."
Tsukiko didn't like the sound of that, but knew she had no choice. She just laid there as the kobold crept to her with various devices in hand.
*************
Tsukiko lay there, panting heavily. Pain was felt in all the more sensitive areas. Tiny claw marks were evident on her breasts in particular.
"That will do. We're finished."
She sits half up. "Truly? We're done?"
"Yup. It was an enlightening experience for me."
Tsukiko then gets out of bed, wincing at each step she took as she went to retrieve her clothes. As she finished putting on the last of it she turned to the kobold. "Remember your promise!"
"Yes, I know. I'll keep my word."
"Good. So answer my question!"
"Make it official."
"Fine. When and where will Xykon's phylactery be found?"
"Xykon's Phylactery will be found in 5 minutes in the sewers by one of the hobgoblins that are looking for it."
Tsukiko stood there, just starting to comprehend what the kobold just said.
"Th-Then... this means that you just tricked me into-"
"Thank you! Have a nice day!"
He pushes Tsukiko outside.
"YOU STUPID KOBOLD!! I WILL REMEMBER THIS!!"
*Slam* The door shuts. Tsukiko walks down the road.
"That stupid kobold. He thinks that I will take this laying down? Oh he has another thing coming. There's no way he'll get away with this. When I get back, I'm going to grab as many zombies as I can and march right back here. Let's see how he responds when a bunch of mindless undead come in to eat his brain that is so much of a waste with...
...
...Huh? How'd I get here?"
She looks around bewildered.
"And why do I hurt so much?"
She looks under her shirt and see's the claw marks.
"I guess I got into a fight or something. Cure Moderate Wounds! Now to get back to Xykon. I can't believe they sent me all the way here just so they can find it when I'm gone. It's not like anything interesting happened here after all."
I'm curious how my vacation worked. What does everyone think?
Bleh... Zanaril, what did you put in that orange juice...? And why's the world spinning? And... are those fish swimming in the air?
...I think I need to lie down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaytara
Though now I'm wondering how Aarindarious kicking V out fits in V's emotional timeline... :D
Spoiler
Ah, Aarindarius. I have to get ready for bed soon so I’ll have to try to make this comparatively brief.
Aarindarius understood V much better than her parents, though he didn’t understand her perfectly. He was a symbol of Known for her, the light that banished the darkness and gave her the tools to ward it off herself. She always stayed close to the light and was content with not dealing with other people. Aarindarius knew that other people posed some sort of psychological threat to her, but he was more worried about the effects of not dealing with people. While she was comfortable with isolation, she really wasn’t doing herself any favors. At a certain point, no one can be perfectly alone and stay happy. So, for her sake, he threw her out.
That caused a huge emotional turmoil and dealt her ability to trust a major blow. If her own Light cast her out into Unknown, then who would she ever be safe with? It was a betrayal, and a blatant one at that.
Vaarsuvius may actually blame herself for it, the instinctive insecurity about understanding that her parents accidentally fostered coming into play. She couldn’t understand Aarindarius’s actions or his reasons. She can’t understand why someone would choose danger over safety (her idea of safety being Known and predictable). She clings to what semblance she has left of safety, Inkyrius and knowledge, then sees that Inkyrius is not safe. Maybe it was something s/he said or did or maybe it was just a baseless thought on Vaarsuvius’s part, but Vaarsuvius decided that she had to distance herself from her mate to keep safe, so she goes off into the world to find more Known and power, and therefore, make the world safer and more controllable.
I would go on, but I need to get ready before all of my dorm mates steal the sinks. Never live with slightly less than three dozen girls in one place. It has a lot of disadvantages.
And I bestow upon you all another chapter.
Spoiler
“Redcloak?”
Redcloak threw his hands up, cursing all clichéd illusory traps in his head and rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. “If you are another cheap illusion of a family member or Vaarsuvius, I swear…”
“I’m not an illusion.”
The goblin looked around, gold eye narrowing. “Not again.”
Vaarsuvius looked offended. The elf was just as Redcloak remembered. Wild purple hair. Fiery violet eyes. Pale skin. Pointed ears. The scent of flowers and wine was so intoxicating that, had Redcloak not known that this was another trick, he would have gladly thrown away all of the barriers he had put around his thoughts of Vaarsuvius just to feel the elf’s lips again, just to touch the body he knew he was only one of the few who was found worthy to touch… but he was no fool.
“You’re not tricking me. I caught on after the first five or so times this place pulled the ‘brother/niece/lover’ card.”
“Reddy, I’m not an illusion.” Vaarsuvius smiled, reaching forward and resting a decidedly tangible hand on the goblin’s cheek. “You see? I’m real.”
Redcloak arched an eye ridge in surprise, wondering what sort of creature this was. The elf went on tip-toes and kissed the goblin softly, lips melding carefully to accommodate the other species. The warm body pressed against his. Gentle fingers trailed down his sides…
“Maybe not an illusion, but not Vaarsuvius.”
Redcloak roughly shoved the copy away, only eye a mere fleck of gold, wiping his mouth free of the sour taste of the imposter’s kiss. “One, Vaarsuvius never calls me ‘Reddy.’ That elf’s hard-pressed to tell me so much as her name. Vaarsuvius isn’t the type to give pet names to people that are going to try to destroy everything for the sake of one species.” He brushed himself off, a little sickened by being touched by the creature in front of him. “Second, Vaarsuvius wouldn’t be so willing to jump right back into whatever we were. When I see that elf next, I’m going to be like any other enemy.” He backed up a step, glaring. “Third, you can imitate appearance and smell well, I’ll grant you, but you can’t imitate touch and taste.”
The thing that looked like Vaarsuvius was silent for a long moment, absorbing what was being said, before rolling its eyes to the sky, skin reddening and hair darkening to black. “Jeeze. You’re no fun.”
The succubus shook her hair out, eyes turning red and moist wings wiggling out of the restrictive robes they were forced in, flapping wetly to lose the liquid that Redcloak was positive he didn’t want to know the origin of. “I mean, usually I’m able to get some poor sap who’s so desperate that they’re willing to believe, but no. I had to get some frigid bastard who won’t even put out a little for fun’s sake.”
“So sorry to disappoint.”
She started to morph again, back into Vaarsuvius, but this time, Vaarsuvius looked beaten and bloody. Redcloak reminded himself quickly of what was really in front of him before he came forward to heal his partner.
“Anyway, I have other fish to fry.” The succubus who looked like Vaarsuvius ripped her tatty red robes, exposing more flesh than Redcloak was comfortable seeing on his partner. He had seen and felt Vaarsuvius naked, but it was something personal that he knew the elf allowed only to a few. To see this woman freely flaunt things that had every appearance as belonging to the elf made him angry on his partner’s behalf.
The succubus spun around, her arms outstretched. “Like it?” She smirked. “You sure you don’t want a quickie before I pop off to terrorize other people? From what I’ve gathered, this one wasn’t too good about putting out a lot. How can a big guy like you be satisfied with a frigid wench like her?”
Redcloak sneered in disgust, making a dismissive motion with his hand. “Get out of my sight. There’s more to relationships than sex.”
“Oh come on. I’ll imitate your elf, if you like. You’re a lonely sap without her, I can tell. Don’t you miss her?” The succubus who looked like Vaarsuvius ran a hand sensuously through her royal purple hair, smiling. “You can always pretend.”
Redcloak scowled darkly, making another dismissive gesture with more force. “I don’t want a cheap copy, fiend.”
“Really? Huh.” The succubus disappeared in a puff of smoke.
---
The Order unanimously decided that the gates were almost more trouble to get to than they were worth.
“V, Durkon, are you guys sure—”
“We are fine, I assure you.” Vaarsuvius refused to accept Elan’s or Haley’s silent offers to help walk, severely weakened from trying to hold the illusions at bay while the Order opened the door to the dungeon and head spinning for reasons that would never be divulged to the Order. “Focus on the path ahead.”
Durkon shrugged off Elan and Haley’s offers as well, but more politely than the elf, and fixed his eyes on the phosphorescent walls. “I sense th’ presence o’ a dark god. An evil cleric was through ‘ere recently.”
Vaarsuvius looked up with an odd look in violet eyes, but no one noticed. Roy took out his sword, swinging it experimentally, muscles tensing noticeably under his skin. “Do you think it’s Xykon and his goblin?” The name and the last word were coated in more venom than usual. Vaarsuvius casually wrote it off as Roy’s usual dislike for the lich and his associates. Only the other Order members knew why the swordsman was feeling particularly heated about their foes.
“I can’t think o’ any other reas’n tha’ there’d be an evil cleric runnin’ around.”
The elf subconsciously rested a hand on a small abdomen, avoiding the gazes of the rest of the Order without realizing it. “R—the goblin who serves Xykon is a cleric of a high enough level that he would have a significant effect to the divine energies.” Vaarsuvius seemed to notice the instinctive gesture, scowling, and brushed the red robe off, removing the hand from the hurting stomach quickly. “It would make sense for them to be here.”
The rest of the Order exchanged looks, misconstruing the elf’s lack of eye contact and reinforcing their suspicions.
“Well, we ought to find them. We owe them for killing our leader and taking our spell caster, don’t we?” Haley said, taking Elan’s hand and smiling, an unspoken message rippling out to everyone but Vaarsuvius.
“I do not suggest it,” the elf said, mind obviously elsewhere. Maybe it was because of the uncharacteristic inattentiveness that the mage didn’t notice what the pointed discouragement was further convincing the Order of. “If Redcloak is with Xykon, we are against a high-level cleric and an epic-level sorcerer. Even without one of his eyes, Redcloak is powerful and intelligent enough so that he would be very difficult to defeat, even when we are working together. Xykon is powerful enough to kill us all on his own. They are also likely with the mid-level Theurge and a creature of indeterminate species and strength. We should avoid fighting them at all costs.”
“And Rule of Drama says that the party has to split up! We’re probably going to get to a giant fo…” Elan trailed off as the entire group stopped, faced with six different paths leading off in wildly different directions, the phosphorescent walls flickering only slightly. “Here it is.”
Everyone stared for a moment, roughly identical thoughts running through their heads. “Can all of us go down one path?”
“We don’t know which way the gate is. It’ll take too long for us all to explore each path.”
There was another reluctant silence.
“Well, I’ll divide up th’ rations an’ supplies.” Durkon started rifling through the packs. “Vaarsuvius, ye wouldna happ’n t’ ‘ave a spell so we c’n track each other…?”
“I am afraid not, Mr. Thundershield.”
“Figures.” Roy sighed, exasperated that the gods of drama continued to make life a thousand times harder for him. “Alright. We don’t know how this works. I don’t like the idea of us splitting up, but we’re going to have to. Elan, in a story, what would happen along the paths?”
Elan smiled, leaning on his heels. “That’s easy. We’ll all face what we fear and what we want, and after a big journey where we all think that we won’t survive, we come back together at the gate and have an epic battle with the villain, each one of us changed for the better, and we slay the dragon and get the damsel in distress.”
“That sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. Can’t be just blow through the tunnels and get a whore back outside or something?” Belkar took out a dagger, throwing it hand to hand restlessly.
“It doesn’t work that way,” Roy said, frowning at the tunnels. “You ready, Durkon?”
“I’m done, lad.”
Durkon handed out packs to everyone, looking thoroughly disgruntled. “It’s against ev’rythin’ I was taught as a healer, but I’m goin’ t’ ‘ave t’ leave ye all with jus’ a coupla bandages an’ painkillers fer when I’m na around.”
“Yeah, yeah, cluck all you want. We’re all grown up now.” Belkar checked the contents of the bag and, satisfied, slung it over his shoulder. “Let’s get this over with.”
Most people just nodded their goodbyes, or actually said them if they were so moved. Elan and Haley kissed each other, the blond saying something about some drama cliché guaranteeing that they would be back together soon. Both Roy and Durkon looked at Vaarsuvius before exchanging glances, both a little reluctant to leave the elf alone but neither having a choice in the matter.
“Farewell. We shall see each other again soon.”
With the soft goodbye from Vaarsuvius, the group split apart, each going a different direction.
Deep in the heart of the dungeon, an imprint reached out, smirking, and started to pull the strings.
---
Vaarsuvius and Blackwing traveled in companionable silence, the quiet only disturbed by the occasional rustle of cloth when the elf touched a pregnant abdomen after a particularly vicious cramp. Anyone else would have suggested that the mage take advantage of the painkillers that the healer had provided. Blackwing knew his master well enough to realize that it wouldn’t matter.
The raven also knew better than to comment when Vaarsuvius had to stop numerous times to nurse the pain or make the dizziness go away. The only acknowledgement he gave was a gentle nip on the elf’s ear, a light reminder that Vaarsuvius wasn’t alone.
The elf was grateful for it. When the female cleric said that the pregnancy would be difficult, the mage hadn’t been quite prepared for it. Vaarsuvius could deal with cramps, sore breasts, and headaches. Pain was a matter of the body, not the mind. But the dizziness and the light-headedness were just nuisances. The elf was well-aware of what little it would require to faint, and Vaarsuvius was not at all happy with it. And then there were the hormones to deal with. How the mage would hide it from everyone, especially when the time came to battle, Vaarsuvius had no idea. But hidden it would remain.
Vaarsuvius was shocked out of these thoughts when a pale hand, previously lightly running against the cold green wall, hit something sticky and wet.
The mage stiffened, a cold flare running down a tiny body, and slowly brought the affected hand up to look at.
It was covered with blood.
Vaarsuvius swallowed, trying to calm the nerves going haywire in a hormonal brain, and watched the crimson drip to the floor slowly. It wasn’t real. It was an illusion.
It felt real.
The mage slowly looked at the wall, rubbing sticky and warm fingers together, eyes widening at the trails of scarlet running down from the ceiling. It was a bad idea to look up. It was a really bad idea to look up.
So, of course, Vaarsuvius looked up.
And regretted it dearly.
There was a natural shelf of rock at the ceiling. Four people were sitting up on it, glaring down at the elf, blood trailing from them and dripping down the walls, creating a fine red mist, the phosphorescence of the tunnel dimmed until it felt like the elf was in hell. Hell was red darkness.
One of the gargoyles held his head tight in his hands, an angry fountain from his stump of a neck staining a blue uniform red, eyes narrowed in accusation, lips silently moving in what could have either been pleas or curses.
“Worthless coward,” the woman spat, snapping sharpened teeth, before she started coughing, more blood welling up, making the coppery smell choking, and the smell of sulfur was growing and oh elven gods the head’s lips were still moving what were they doing here the blood was everywhere OH ELVEN GODS THE BLOOD
“CHOKE ON YOUR USELESS GODDAMN MAGIC!”
Vaarsuvius turned to run, but slipped on the red pool on the ground, falling hard in the warmth. The elf stumbled, trying to stand up, but the female gargoyle’s mouth opened up, a snake-like tongue snapping out and wrapping up tiny ankles.
“I’ll kill your children!”
“I’ll kill your mate!”
“I’ll kill your comrades!”
“AND YOU WON’T CARE!”
oh great elven gods what was happening the lips on the head are still moving and oh great elven gods the blood was coming faster and its eyes were changing colors all yellow and orange and purple and THE BLOOD WAS COMING FASTER MAKE IT STOP
“You did this to yourself, Other Parent.”
Vaarsuvius looked down to see one of the beloved children tear through a vulnerable arm, the blood up to the little one’s waist, sharpened teeth stained red sunk deep into the mage’s flesh, pure yellow eyes dancing wildly and broken legs cracking under weight that they shouldn’t have to hold.
“Always remember that.”
Vaarsuvius shrieked in pain, fire shooting through the elf’s very being, and the other beloved child, orange-eyed, ripped sharp teeth through the mage’s other arm. The blood was rising and the children would drown in it oh great elven gods what was happening the children they should never have been involved why was this happening it hurt it hurt so much oh elven gods Vaarsuvius was going insane the elf could feel its mind unraveling THE ELF WAS GOING INSANE
“You’re only forced to see what you did to us.”
Inkyrius cocked a starkly pale head, purple eyes staring in a frozen grin, face looking like a bad mask, wrists and feet draining blood from where stakes were driven through them, green hair scarlet. “You see what you have done to us, Suvie?”
Inkyrius raised thin arms and turned into a black dragon stained red, roaring and coming down to swallow Vaarsuvius whole.
---
Redcloak looked up sharply at the sound of screaming. “Tsukiko?”
He entertained the idea of letting the crazy Theurge bask in a different kind of madness for a moment, but the scream changed pitch, sounding increasingly desperate, and his moral compass was tripped.
The goblin ran towards the sound, wondering what could possibly have made Tsukiko sound like that, but he stopped short when he came to the passage where the screams were coming from.
“Vaarsuvius? Vaarsuvius, what’s wrong?!”
The raven vainly scratched at the elf’s face and arms, pecking for good measure, but Vaarsuvius was sitting on the ground, face covered by arms that had obviously been ravaged by ragged nails and were now bleeding profusely, and screams of the likes Redcloak had never heard resonating out.
His immediate instinct was to rush to the elf’s side and hold the little body close to his, heal the bleeding arms, and snap his lover out of whatever hellish daze this dungeon had cast. His next thought was that he was supposed to not care about Vaarsuvius anymore so he should take advantage of the situation and kill the enemy spell caster. His third thought was that this was another clever illusion.
He should go. He’d dealt with too many illusions. Redcloak meant to go, but his body wouldn’t respond.
He tried to leave again, but his heart wasn’t in it.
The screams were too much. It was one thing to reject a horny imposter. It was another to ignore an unconfirmed imposter going insane.
Redcloak ignored the surprised squawk from the raven when he came forward and knelt by the elf, lightly putting his hands on tiny shoulders…
The tunnel stank of blood and the undead corpses of Azure City soldiers sat at the ceiling, one holding his own severed head, and two little demon children were grinning with a similar demon elf…
Redcloak jerked his hands back, blinking the macabre vision away, and braced himself against what he instinctively knew was the product of his partner’s past, something he knew very little about. The scientist piped up, telling him to either leave the elf to face its own demons or kill it where it sat. It was only logical. The person scolded the scientist for referring to Vaarsuvius as an ‘it’ and quickly interjected that it would be cruel to leave his lover like this. The scientist loudly proclaimed that this probably wasn’t Vaarsuvius in the first place and he was falling into an obvious trap—admittedly, an obvious trap that was much harder not to run into. The person countered with the fact that he could handle almost any level of monster this place tried to throw at him. If this was real, then Vaarsuvius was going to go insane. Was he willing to risk that? Vaarsuvius was too proud and fiery to lose such an integral part!
Redcloak left the two conflicting parts of his personality to squabble and lightly put his hands on the elf’s shoulders, forcing the visions of blood, smoke, and sulfur away from him and staying focused on Vaarsuvius. Was he doing the smart thing? No. He wasn’t. He should take advantage of this and claw the mage’s throat open.
The goblin slapped the elf hard and the vision shattered.
Thoughts?
__________________
Spoiler
The April Squickies Award for Best Crack Pairing Story
Thank you so much to Kaytara for the avatar! It's of Redcloak's and Vaarsuvius's love child.
Last edited by Water-Smurf : 10-29-2009 at 05:53 AM.
Those fiends are at it again I see. Nice piece of work. If only it didn't outshine my rehab story. But at this point, all your stories are masterpieces.
I've decided to try and finish Belkars adventures in Hell, but it will take me some time and research.
And Sabine has got to make a guest cameo, as per Raging Gene Ray's request.
Edit:
Well, here is a try. It is somewhat graphic, but I never actually describe the events, I simply explain the sensations. Even so, I take no responsibility for the consequences of reading this.
Spoiler
Silken sheets. No leather, or chains. No blades or fire. He was bleeding heavily, his flesh torn to pieces, his skin hanging on in places only by a thread, or not at all. His breathing was a series of wet pants, gurgling up from lungs thick with blood and bile and corruption.
Soon, Belial would be back. Belkar didn’t really want to think about it, but there was nothing else he could think about.
The Fallen Angel would mock him, and humiliate him, and hurt him. And most likely he wouldn’t stop at touches this time.
He shuddered, and curled tighter in a ball.
He hard voices, but he couldn’t see. His left eye seemed to be gone, or at least blinded, and he couldn’t even move his head. His skin felt sticky and two tight, and it hurt to breathe, but more to stop.
His egotistical nature wouldn't allow him to think that he was getting what he deserved. All he could think about was how much he hated this, and how much he wanted revenge he knew he would never get. Worst, was the feeling that he wanted Belial to be here, to hurt him. He didn’t understand the feeling, and hated it, but at the same time couldn’t escape it.
It was an hour before the door opened again, but to him it could've been a moment or Milenias. He had lost touch with time at this point, and time was irrelevent. This was hell. This was eternal. He would still be here when the stars winked out and the sea swallowed the land, when the gods themselves died. He heard voices, and then felt a presence above him, but he didn’t couldn’t move is head. His arms seemed to be working alright, and he felt every inch of his ravaged from, but he could barely move.
“So anyway, Boss.” Said a throaty, purring voice. “I was wondering if you could lend some more power to Nale. He’s running short on minions and influence, and the whole ‘Soul Fire’ thing is just what we need, and I mean, his souls pretty much forfeit anyway, so no need to even ask for payment, right? Plus, it would make him more interesting in bed, which is never to be-“
“Do you find your lover lacking?” Said the angels voice, making Belkar bite his lip at the sudden feeling of tingling warmth simmering across his skin and the cold feeling in his gut. "Because if you need some... stimulation..."
“No!” She sad hurriedly. “Of course not. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’d, ah, better get back to him, actually. Ha ha.” She said finished unconvincingly, and more then a little nervously. Belkar knew then he recognized the voice, but where? What had there been before the pain? The constant sensation had dulled his memories, made them meaningless, and it all seemed so long ago...
“Stay a while.” He said, and Belkar felt the heat get closer, until the angel was looking down at him, a knowing smirk on his features. “She lusts after me.” Belial said softly to Belkar, but loudly enough for her to hear “But she knows I would destroy her. So she resists, as painful as it is for her. If only you’d been so wise, don’t you think?” His long fingered hand stroked Belkar’s cheek, then slid down his neck, leaving an irritated red burn in a thin trail, from his chin to his groin.
Belkar let out a moan, that might have been fear, suffering or something else.
“You wanted this, from the second you clapped eyes on me. You wanted to feel it. You had to know.” Desires undreamed rose within the halflings thoughts, and he could only nod helplessly.
His face turned for a fraction to whoever he had been talking too, and he smiled a thin-lipped, sensual smile, revealing just a glimmer of perfect teeth. “Sit back. You get to watch.”
His skin was drenched in his own fluids, and he was gasping. In a distant corner of his mind a the conscious of a Halfling named Belkar cringed in terror, as his body went out of control, becoming a thing apart. He shuddered as waves of pleasure coursed through him, numbing the last shred of volition. Belial's hand traced circles of fire across the his stomach. Th angel lowered his head and kissed hiss neck, and he felt a spring within him winding tight. His mind had been overcome by hot longings, and he thrashed and bucked like a wild animal, unable to find release, sounds of primitive pleasure erupting from his lips.
Through a crimson haze of his own pounding blood, he could see Belial lying atop him. His perfect face blurred and shifted for a moment, and another face stared down at him, one of unspeakable evil whose aspect was madness given form by some demented artist. His kiss seared Belkars lips, his touch scorched the skin, and pleasure crossed over to intensity beyond his capacity to endure.
He felt himself climbing to new heights of desire, and in that terrible instant, pleasure turned to pain.
He knew agony beyond his ability to rationalize, to comprehend or understand, as fear profound and uncontrolled, the knowledge that he stood poised on the brink of being lost forever, his identity gone like a handful of sand tossed into a stormy sea. Within his own mind he screamed himself hoarse, his body remaining a thing apart, moaning and bucking as Belial made him dance like a puppet.
As Belial moved, he attacked him with animal fury, his teeth and nails tearing through muscle and bone, his teath crushing resistance, eliciting hoarse moans as Belkar stood detached, a spectator in his own body that was so mindless in it’s grotesque and unthinking lust even agony was something to be enjoyed.
Silently, inwardly, he wet in mortal terror as the being worked his perverted magic, until at last, an eternity later, he cam to a shuddering stop, and Belkar Screamed as he felt his body afire. Flickering golden light streamed from every pore as he rolled, screaming and convulsing. When at last he stopped, Belial was still there, and lay a perfect hand on Belkar, whose injuries hall all faded and gone. The memories of trauma and agony, however had not.
“Thank me.” He said imperiously, and the Halfling, to his own considerable disgust, found himself nodding gratefully.
“Thank you, master.” He said, meaning every word, and Belial’s smile widened. "I am so enjoying this, Belkar. You are nearly finished."
I need to go examine the choices that led me to write a non-graphic male x male non-consensual scene, and decide If I still want to write. Or live with myself.
__________________
Nadir We,
Youth Born,
Blood Letters,
Axe Weilders,
Victors Still.
Last edited by Cracklord : 10-29-2009 at 02:05 AM.
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Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick
Of all the bad luck...
I need to go examine the choices that led me to write a non-graphic male x male non-consensual scene, and decide If I still want to write. Or live with myself.
