2000 things I'm not allowed to do in an RPG

[IcarusWings]

644. my gagged wizard is not allowed to substitute his verbal components with 'interpretive dance'.

[Lord Raziere]

645. I can't purchase any chairs. EVER.

[EvilJoe15]

646) Just because I know the chemical composistion, mixing procedures, and proper handling protocalls of several improvised explosive devices, doesn't mean any of my characters do. Reguardless of Int score, or Craft ranks.

[Fay Graydon]

647) I cannot take Craft: Doomsday device as a legit skill.
648) I cannot take Perform: "Leet Ninja Skills" as a legit skill.
649) I cannot poison the DM/GM's drink and offer a trade for the antidote for the above two skills.

[Cealocanth]

650) I cannot decide to have my race as an absurd race of troll that feeds on only flaming spam.

[monkman]

651) i cannot make a human ranger named adam west that uses a cat launcher as a weapon

[Quincunx]

Granted, if there was a win to be had from this thread, Choco won it back at #157--but there might be a runner-up prize!

652. The protocol officer will not announce your entry to the throne room in the same manner in which Jeremy Clarkson introduces the Stig, even if any of them apply to your character.
653. If the DM did not have the foresight to ban 'royal sexual favors' as a reward for rescuing the heir, the DM will have the good grace not to retroactively add a spinster minotaur with a library of bodice-ripper romance novels to the royal family.
654. However, the DM can and will retroactively remove both the Flaw: Unquenchable Fertility and any merits bought with same.
655. On an unrelated note, the phrase 'royal sexual favors' is stricken with a curse and no longer audible to anyone with any excuse to be in, or scrying upon, the throne room.

656. It is not necessary to roleplay sanity loss when playing Call of Chthulu in board game form.
657. Yes, from this small sample size roleplayed sanity loss corresponds with rolling lots of 6s--no, we are not spending two gaming evenings setting up double-blind roleplaying-while-rolling-d6s trials in order to get a usable sample size.

658. You cannot loot the bard's amphibracer. You certainly cannot equip it.
659. You do not need to roll UMD against the DM's rhetorical device.

[Mercenary Pen]

660: As the DM, I may not introduce the Silent Order of Miming Nuns into the campaign as an organisation, no matter how appropriate I think it is.

[Necroticplague]

661: Yes, you have a class ability that ignores sizes unless it would be advantageous for grappling purposes. You are not allowed to use this to be fine sized and pin the gargantuan boss down (even though the mechanics allow).

[Saint Nil]

662:If the DM slaps you after reading your build, you may not use it.

[Ranger Mattos]

Originally Posted by Saint Nil

662:If the DM slaps you after reading your build, you may not use it.

663. If this happens more than 3 times during character creation, you may not play in the game.

[Project_Mayhem]

664.) In Mage the Awakening, I am not allowed to play a matter mage who focuses on turning things into faeces. No matter how effective as a debuff that would actually be. True story.

[littlekKID]

665) To hide all the battle, then ask for roleplaying XP

[Mercenary Pen]

666) I may not confuse other players with multiple acronyms using the same sets of letters- e.g. Putting Rocket Propelled Grenades in my roleplaying games.

[StreetPizza]

667) I am not allowed to imitate my character's actions in combat sequences using a yardstick as a substitute for his weapon.

[Necroticplague]

668: My character backround cannot give a too detailed description of why the bonus feats from necrophilia and lecherous are improved grapple and improved bull-rush.

[Dragon Star]

669: You may not play an ogre mage.
669b:Especially not if you ignore the level adjustment.

[MonkeyBusiness]

670. The list of things my wizard is not allowed to enchant includes (but is not limited to) the following items:

brassieres (I personally think it would be great to have a bra that could be used to cast "Magic Missile"!)

socks (I don't know why.)

wigs (I still think a "wig of the Medusa" is a grand idea, but no-one else seems to concur.)

bagpipes (I'm told that a homunculus-type critter that has its origin in a set of bagpipes is unacceptable. I feel this is entirely irrational. A wizard with an animated set of bagpipes as a familiar would be quite an asset to the group.)

tobacco pipe (C'mon! Wouldn't you love to huff a fireball out of an old Meerschaum pipe? That would be classy!)

dolls (This at least should be considered, I feel, because it's a folkloric tradition! I mean, Vasilissa's doll, for crying out loud! Just because my doll happens to look more like Charlie Mcarthy ...)

chewing tobacco (My DM maintains that a "chaw of eloquence" is a contradiction of terms. I maintain that it is irony. Besides, remember Marine Boy and his "oxy-gum"? Why does it have to make sense?)

shoe laces (Now here's a versatile item!)

teapot (Merlin had one in The Once and Future King! Why can't I? It can serve tea to my friends and spout hot water all over my enemies. I promise it will be nothing like Mrs Potts!)

Umbrella (Long before this method of transportation was popularized by cinematic classics such as Mary Poppins and Totoro Father Christmas used an umbrella to travel on Christmas Eve! I think that's in Belarus, but I might be mistaken. At any rate, it's no more a cross-cultural feature than a magic carpet or throwing stars, which are widely accepted, and *not* an anachronism!)

doorbell (In real life I often wish I had a "doorbell of disintegration" that could identify and dispose of encyclopedia salespersons and their ilk. You'd think that would get some support, but nooooooooooo ...)

chamber pot (My DM does not even want to admit that these items even exist, much less that they can be enchanted. I'd love to bewitch the chamber pot of a certain rival, so that it sings Don't Cry For Me Argentina every time it's being used. Loudly. And then discuss the stock exchange. If things take too long, it ends by playing the Lawrence Welk theme and blowing bubbles.)

I don't understand the objections whatsoever. My desires are so modest, and so relevant to the momentum of the plot.

.

[TaliaJacta]

671. If my drunken character is hitting on another PC, it is not appropriate for me (as a player) to grab her player's thigh. Especially when I don't really know that player very well.

672. In a setting where guards are the equivalent of cops, I will not kill every guard I come across with wanton abandon.

673. If I ignore Rule #672, I will not act surprised when lots of people want to kill me.

[zyborg]

674) I will not pretend that a d100 is a d20, and that I just got a REALLY lucky roll.
675) In a PbP game, I will not break the fourth wall and cast 'Exploding Runes' on my post, so that other players that read it will have their computers explode.

[Necroticplague]

675) I will not read A munchkin's guide to power gaming while I'm playing.
676) If my character background is longer than all of Homer's work compiled, I must not use all of it.

[TaliaJacta]

677) If I have an animal companion with a truly terrifying appearance, I will not try to ride a horse with my companion next to me. Especially if I have no ranks in Handle Animal.

678) If I am stupid enough to say "It couldn't hurt" in Call of Cthulhu, I will not be surprised when the GM finds a way to make it hurt.

[Bhu]

679) If the BBEG is dead I will not sever his head and begin to beat his body into pavement goo with it while singing "Memories" just to mess with the other players.

[Sway]

680) Play as an assassin and actually have fun just completing contracts on anyone from annoying peasants to repressive nobility... I always have to have a base quest

681) Kill the DM's character who always hops in to help us out

682) Go off on random tangents... The DM character from above always hops in and "ASKS" us to go and finish the quests.

[Necroticplague]

681) Use swallow whole to end most of your encounters in 2 turns.

[IncarnumJunkie]

684.) I am not allowed to debate for two hours whether or not to open the door to the next room.

[Rob Roy]

685:I am not allowed to use dwarf barbarians in a rage as throwing weapons
686:Elves have souls too
687:The Dwarven word for "demon" and "elf" are not synonyms
688:I can't act out dwarven bar fights, ever again
689:You can't kill a succubus with a belt of gender changing and some rope
690:I must never be allowed to try and breed gnome, dwarf, and halflings again, ever
691:I must never use The book of Exalted Deeds should during a campaign in which I'm a slave driver, the other players are to remind the DM of this.
EDIT
I numbered incorrectly.

[Geno9999]

692: I will not use my Munchkin cards as a substitute for any actual skills/items.
693: I cannot use Munchkin cards as a substitute for monsters either.

[Wookieetank]

694. I am not allowed to use duct tape to tape two weapons together to increase their damage.
695. I am not allowed to ignore the raging ogre in order to chug his secret stash with the rest of my party, just because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
696. Turning into a black dragon and breathing acid on my opponent is not an acceptable form of dueling.
697. I'm not allowed to sled down stairs on any form of shield, snow board or etc. no matter how obnoxiously long the stairwell may be
698. Just because casting invisible fireballs is fun, doesn't mean it can be done while in town.
699. I am not allowed to play any sort of evil character when the DM is LG in real life.
700. If I do play an evil character with said DM and make off with a churches holy magical relics I shall not be suprised when the rest of the party is hired to track me down and I have a spell of true finding cast upon me to help them do so.

[KerfuffleMach2]

701) I am not allowed to jump into every moat I see.

702) Shadow jumping is not the solution to all problems.

703) I am not allowed to wrestle a large fish bare handed, break its spine, and use said spine as the base for a sword.