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Hello, and welcome to the eighth Crack Pairings thread. If you haven't read the previous ones yet, you can do so here, here, here, here,here, here and here.
Or, if you don't wish to read through all 350 pages, here's the short version: we have a roller and some tables. You roll a pairing, and maybe a plot device, then you write it, draw it, act it out, interpretive dance it, whatever! Apparently we like this sort of thing.
An Important Note on Rules:
We've received a few warnings from a staff member about content in the threads. Please keep these things in mind:
- Crack pairings must involve fictionl characters only
- They should all be board appropriate
- Try to stay ontopic, there are other threads for random banter
- PMing crack pairings with "mature" content is not allowed
When posting a pairing, please at least try to do something with it. We like it when people try!
Should you wish to roll a pairing, Sgeo coded up a roller for us. If you want that personal touch, go roll on the tables, or make up your own pairing!
Banners!
Spoiler
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Text:
Zanaril's
Spoiler
Funky Goose's
Spoiler
Discord's
Spoiler
Saeyan
Spoiler
rangermania
Spoiler
Trixie
Spoiler
MReav
Spoiler
Kaytara
Spoiler
half-halfling
Spoiler
licoot
Spoiler
Felyndiira
Spoiler
Tables!
Spoiler
Initial Table
Roll 2d6 (or more!) decide which tables to pick the characters from.
OotS Table 1
OotS Table 2
OotS Table 3
OotS Table 4
Minion List
Dead Guy List
Table 1 - By Minion992929
Roy
Durkon
Celia
Xykon
Tsukiko
Vaarsuvius
Monster in The Dark
Miko
Nale
Elan
Haley
Belkar
Lord Shojo
Redcloak
Hinjo
Daigo
Kazumi
Inkyrius
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender
Table 2 - By Minion 992929
The Guy with a halberd
Sarah Greenhilt
Haley's dad
Thanh
Julio Scoundrél
Mr. Rodriguez
Horace Greenhilt
Therkla
Zz'Dtri
YokYok
Leeky Windstaff
The Cliffport chief of police
Windstriker
Jirix
Lien
Argent
Yor
Roll again twice
Roll again on twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender
Table 3 - By Minion992929
Soon Kim (incorporeal)
Shadowdancer
Hilgya
Dorukan
Bozzok
Crystal
Bandit King
Ancient Black Dragon
O-Chul
The Snarl
The Eye of Fear and Flame
Lord Kubota
Thog
Julia Greenhilt
Belkar
The oracle
Jephton/Haerta/Ganneron
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender
Table 4 - By Minion 992929
The dragon's hoard
The chimera
The really dangerous trap
Roy's Archon
The Hydra
Teevo
Xykon's zombie dragon head
Roy's sword
The entire Hobgoblin army
The orc chieftain
The IFCC
Durkon while under the effects of Thor's might
Mr Scruffy
Hieronymus Grubwiggler
All of the Demon Roaches at once
Bone golem Roy
Roll again twice
Roll again on Tables 1, 2, and 3
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender
Minion List -Made By MReav
Goblin
Hobgoblin
Kobold
Ogre
Lizardfolk
Bug-people
Azure City Soldier
Bandit or Thieves Guild Member
Orc
Owlbear
Troll (flip coin to determine land or sea)
Zombie
Ghoul
City Guardsman
Angel-thing
Ghost Martyr
Roll again on another table.
Roll again twice
Roll Again and invert alignment
Roll again for minion army
Dead Guy List -Made By MReav
Samantha
Sangwaan
Hobgoblin General
Azure City General
Death Knight
Huecva
Trigak
Earth Dungeon Guardian
Fire Dungeon Guardian
Kraagor
Mijung
Eugene Greenhilt
Old Blind Pete
Giant Devil
Buggy-Lou
Isamu.
Roll Again on a different table
Roll Again Twice
Roll Again and Switch Gender
Roll again. If you roll this option twice in a row: Eastern Pantheon and World 1.0
Supplemental Plot Devices
Roll 1d4 (or more!)
Table 1
Table 2
Table 3
Table 4
Table 1 - By Nerdanel
Unrequited love
Love potion
Drunkenness
Snowed in
Stuck on a desert island
In the afterlife
Aliens Made Them Do It (not necessarily literal aliens)
True love
Love/hate relationship
Adultery
Pregnancy (use male pregnancy if needed)
Pink frills and white lace
French maid costume
Police/military uniform
High heels and black leather
American high school setting
Someone is a vampire
Everyone is a furry version of themselves
Kidnapped (By somebody inside or outside of the pairing)
Roll again twice
Table 2 - by Sereg
Dream Sequence
Anonymous Dating Service
Bodyswapped
Meta
Curse
Spell gone wrong
Damsel/dude in distress
Lots and lots of angst (because then it will be true art)
Amnesia
Mistaken identity
Genre shift
Finding “new uses” for objects
The real world
Geas/Quest
Zone of Truth
Truth, dare or command
Voyeurism
In a playground
Roll again twice
Roll again on another table
Table 3 - by Sereg
Fulfilling an unusual fantasy (as demonstrated in Coffee Included’s V x Haley x Elan with Belkar watching fic)
Arranged marriage
Already married
Prostitution
Concubines
Inheritance of wealth and/or title from obscure dead relative
Class change/multiclassing
Team Evil is trying to save the world from the Oots’ plan to control/release the snarl
Past/future life
In 20 years from current comic
They discover that they are close relatives at the end
Disease
“The whole party is controlled by giant space cats and Xykon is from modern Earth”
Deus ex machina
With the author or another crack-pairer (not in the ship itself, though)
Narrated by somebody
On the web-site
Lampshading (roll again)
Roll again twice
Roll again on another table
Table 4 - by Sereg
While arguing with the author
It’s not them, it’s their players/character sheets/stat blocks/minis/dice (Yes, I know that this isn’t a game, but when have we let canon stand in our way?)
To make someone else jealous
To save the world
Mind-control
Twins separated at birth
This is what the snarl actually does
In a watery environment
While under attack
Because of a literal genie
Because if they don’t they’ll die/get unmade
On the rebound
In jail/a dungeon
While playing strip-(insert game here)
Wardrobe malfunction
On meds
As part of their therapy
With a giant
With a subversion/aversion/inversion/double subversion of (roll again)
Roll again twice
Of course, feel free to make up your own pairings!
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Yay! Alright people, you heard the lady - keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual. And try not to stray too far away from the topic; the Sheriff is watching. And he's been nice so far, but even his patience has limits.
__________________
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
"So, Lord Elrond. Have I gotten this right? You want us to give the One Ring to the halfling? To Belkar?"
"Roughly half of humanity is in denial regarding their own stupidity" (V.S.Ramachandran)
Last edited by Asta Kask : 03-04-2010 at 06:31 AM.
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalmageddon
"You know, if I had blood I would be totally flying right now" says Kalmageddon the skeleton-man at the barman, pouring whisky after whisky through his ribcage, the alcohol forming a puddle on the floor...
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Xykon/Tiasal (not really a pairing, because that would be gross)
Spoiler
Xykon looked down at the little greenish child that sat on his lap. No, he could never feel love, nor did he have any desire to. But ever since he stole her from that self-righteous traitor Redcloak and his harlot of a wife he had begun to feel... possessiveness. Yes, that was the word. He could not love the child, but he could value her. Especially since the thought of Tiasal in the arms of an undead monstrosity must be causing her parents the most exquisite pain. What a torture it must be for a parent to know that his only child is in the hands of a fiend. Yes...
- Bone-Parent. Can you tell me the Story again?
*sigh* Always the Story. Always the same Story. It seemed to be the only thing that interested her. That and wizardry, which quite frankly made Xykon's head hurt. Still, Tsukiko had promised to take the brat and teach her once she got old enough. Make her a necromancer. Teach her the darkest of the dark arts. That would be the way to get rev...
-Bone-Parent. You promised...
Ah, well. He might as well, or he would just lose his temper and Meteor Swarm her into oblivion. And that wouldn't be any fun, would it? Well, to be honest it would be pretty hilarious but only for a short time...
- Well, little Tia. Many years ago your Daddy and I conquered the smoldering pit that was then Azure City. And just as we sat there planning our next move, who dropped in if not some black-robed elf with purple hair. So she started blasting away and I rose to the challenge, naturally. It was pretty fun there for a moment or two, until I beat the crap out of her.
- And... and...
- *sigh*. And that, Tiasal, is how I met your mother.
Thoughts?
__________________
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
"So, Lord Elrond. Have I gotten this right? You want us to give the One Ring to the halfling? To Belkar?"
"Roughly half of humanity is in denial regarding their own stupidity" (V.S.Ramachandran)
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalmageddon
"You know, if I had blood I would be totally flying right now" says Kalmageddon the skeleton-man at the barman, pouring whisky after whisky through his ribcage, the alcohol forming a puddle on the floor...
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Secrets of V's gender REVEALED!!! Read all about it!
Spoiler
I do feel, Roy, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
Agreed. Durkon?
Yeah. I think Haley's point of view is very valid, Roy, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
Or woman.
Or woman... to rid himself--
Or herself.
Or herself.
Agreed.
Thank you, brother.
Or sister.
Or sister. Where was I?
I think you'd finished.
Oh. Right.
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
Or woman.
Why don't you shut up about women, V. You're putting us off.
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Roy.
Why are you always on about women, Vaarsuvius?
I want to be one.
What?
I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
What?!
It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, 'Suvie?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?!
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
But... you can't have babies.
Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you, V. You haven't got a womb! -- Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
[crying]
Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Goblins', but that he can have the right to have babies.
Good idea, Haley. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
What's the point?
What?
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
__________________
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
"So, Lord Elrond. Have I gotten this right? You want us to give the One Ring to the halfling? To Belkar?"
"Roughly half of humanity is in denial regarding their own stupidity" (V.S.Ramachandran)
Last edited by Asta Kask : 03-04-2010 at 11:00 AM.
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalmageddon
"You know, if I had blood I would be totally flying right now" says Kalmageddon the skeleton-man at the barman, pouring whisky after whisky through his ribcage, the alcohol forming a puddle on the floor...
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
I really liked those Asta Kask. They were funny (especially the second). I'm also amazed that the new thread was posted in the middle of the day in my time zone. I actually managed to get in on the first page for once.
@Weimann We've been prolific, but it isn't so difficult to catch up on the basics.
@Belkster11 Well, we've written a lot of fics, but there's no rule against doing an old one. There have been plenty of pairings of identical characters.
Hmmm....I thought that noone had done Celia/Vaarsuvius but I see that Kirby has. I must reread it as I've been thinking that there is potential there...
EDIT:V You ninja'd my edit. Oh well, I suppose you have a point. I certainly hope that I manage humor in most of my fics (except in those cases where I'm not aiming for it).
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
YAY!!! New thread! *gets out fresh batch of Holy Brain Bleach*
Let's bring out the Half-Elves!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asta Kask
Secrets of V's gender REVEALED!!! Read all about it!
Spoiler
I do feel, Roy, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
Agreed. Durkon?
Yeah. I think Haley's point of view is very valid, Roy, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
Or woman.
Or woman... to rid himself--
Or herself.
Or herself.
Agreed.
Thank you, brother.
Or sister.
Or sister. Where was I?
I think you'd finished.
Oh. Right.
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
Or woman.
Why don't you shut up about women, V. You're putting us off.
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Roy.
Why are you always on about women, Vaarsuvius?
I want to be one.
What?
I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
What?!
It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, 'Suvie?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?!
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
But... you can't have babies.
Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you, V. You haven't got a womb! -- Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
[crying]
Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Goblins', but that he can have the right to have babies.
Good idea, Haley. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
What's the point?
What?
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
That was hilarious Asta Kask!
__________________
Your local Cleric.
Cleric of the Murphy's Law Thread
(yes, that is possible)
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalmageddon
"You know, if I had blood I would be totally flying right now" says Kalmageddon the skeleton-man at the barman, pouring whisky after whisky through his ribcage, the alcohol forming a puddle on the floor...
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Okay. I'll give it a try. It's O-Chul/Haley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spoiler
"O-Chul's certianly quiet over there." Haley thought to herself as she spread her cot on the grass. It was a day after they had resurrected Roy and rendevouzed with the Paladins. O-Chul was standing over a cliff looking out into the sea. He seemed unusually stotic, too stotic even for a Paladin. Against her better judgement, she got up and walked over to him.
"O-Chul?" she asked. No response. She walked a bit closer to him. O-Chul didn't seem to hear her. She reached out and lightly touched his shoulder. He flinched.
"Sorry if I surprised you." she said hurridly. O-Chul turned his head to her.
"No," he said, his voice almost broken. "You didn't. I have a wound there."
"Where he was tortured..." Haley's mouth went dry.
"O-Chul, I'm sorry for abandoning you to the monster back...back when-"
"It's all right, Haley," O-Chul faced her. "There was nothing you could've done." He looked down, closing his eyes as if he were trying to block out the bitter memories of his captivity. "Nothing I could have done."
"Hin-um...Lord Hinjo," Haley began. "He said that there were a team of elves headed for Azure City."
"Yes, I have full confidence in them." O-Chul said. "I-I'm sorry. I'm mourning for my fallen comrades."
"Oh," Haley put a hand to her mouth.
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I must retire for the night." O-Chul said plainly, then walked back to his tent. Without thinking, Haley felt her legs moving, following him toward the entrance.
"GAH!" O-Chul suddenly cried out from within. Haley bounded into the tent.
"What is it?! What's wrong?" Haley asked. O-Chul was doubled-over, clutching his side.
"It is nothing." he said gruffly.
"O-Chul, let me examine it." Haley said. "I may not be a healer, but I think I know some first aid. Here, lay down."
O-Chul got down onto his cot. Haley mentally prepared herself, thinking back through the basic first aid the Thieves Guild taught her. She unbuttoned O-Chul's shirt. He didn't seem to resist her.
Spoiler
Haley gasped when she pulled his shirt off.
"Oh, O-Chul." she winced when she saw the scars, how they mangled his chest and sides. "You've suffered so much." She wrapped her arms around O-Chul's torso, pressing her breasts against his chest. She kissed the scar running across his eye, the scars on his cheeks, then the scar on his left shoulder. "This will make the pain go away."
O-Chul didn't resist. This was the first intimate comfort he had with a woman in months. Being tortured endlessly...this almost more than made up for it. Gently, he pulled the woolen blanket over them. He felt Haley rest her ear against his heart, to hear its mighty beating.
O-Chul put a scarred hand on her head, running his fingers through her long, red locks. He gazed out to the stars that peaked through the small slit in the tent. His eyes grew heavy. He tried to keep them open, but within moments, O-Chul, the mighty Paladin drifted to a blissful sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, what did you think of it? :D
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
And following my other song lyrics adapted for OotS purposes, I give you -
Inkyrius to Vaarsuvius (a few years later):
Spoiler
Are you lonesome tonight
do you miss me tonight
Are you sorry we drifted apart
Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight
Spoken:
I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a comic
And each must play a part
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart
Chapter one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came chapter two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you
Now the book is closed and I'm all alone
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they can close to book
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight
Very good Belkster. Very good indeed.
__________________
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
"So, Lord Elrond. Have I gotten this right? You want us to give the One Ring to the halfling? To Belkar?"
"Roughly half of humanity is in denial regarding their own stupidity" (V.S.Ramachandran)
Last edited by Asta Kask : 03-04-2010 at 12:36 PM.
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalmageddon
"You know, if I had blood I would be totally flying right now" says Kalmageddon the skeleton-man at the barman, pouring whisky after whisky through his ribcage, the alcohol forming a puddle on the floor...
Re: Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Quote:
Stories by Closak
Roy/Belkar/Ancient Black Dragon
ABD
ABD/Haley
ABD/Jirix
ABD/Redcloak
ABD/Redcloak
ABD/Roy
ABD/Janitor
ABD/Thog
ABD/Belkar/Elan/Nale/Durkon/Redcloak/Jirix/Yikyik
ABD and Thog
ABD/Nale
ABD/Dragons
Hmm... a pattern emerges, but I'm not sure what it is...
__________________
Avatar by CoffeeIncluded
"So, Lord Elrond. Have I gotten this right? You want us to give the One Ring to the halfling? To Belkar?"
"Roughly half of humanity is in denial regarding their own stupidity" (V.S.Ramachandran)
Last edited by Asta Kask : 03-04-2010 at 04:14 PM.
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Crack Pairings VIII - We Need A Half-Elf Template
Durkon and a tree.
Durkon.
by Recaiden//
I do feel, Roy, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
Agreed. Durkon?
Yeah. I think Haley's point of view is very valid, Roy, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
Or woman.
it's easy to be funny with that source material.
Thanks To Dashwood for Spider avatar. 
