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One almost finds the idea of a powerful troll wizard laughable, but the proof was slowly regenerating from its wounds in front of us, lying prostrate on the ground. Es coolly stabbed it again with her rapier, opening yet another hole in its useless, yet still healing lungs while Hatch investigated the room through a stone that had a natural hole in it. Questions as to whether or not the stone helped in her spell-work had not been asked. We'd all learned a long time ago that we would regret the answers, if only for the sheer indignity of it all.
Hatch muttered something and waved one gloved hand dismissively, causing an entire wall to vanish, revealing lines of cages where it once stood. Most of the cages contained corpses, but one of them contained a weak, sickly dog-sized thing with a brain instead of a head. An intellect devourer. Hatch got a look of pain on her face and both Es and Pendulum started forward.
"Quit it! All of you!"
Endeca's shout halted both of our compatriots in their tracks as she made soothing noises at the aberration. The pain lanced across her face again, and she gave it a harsh shushing sound before reaching her hand through the cage bars.
"Hatch, that thing is going to kill you and eat your brain! Get away from it!"
"No he won't. Look at him, Hathar. He's starving and miserable and lonely. Es, open the lock. Please?"
Es looked at me, but all I could do was nod. Endeca had gotten a notion in her head, and only the thing knocking her unconscious would let us do the smart thing safely. Es broke the lock with one blow from her sword-hilt and Hatch immediately opened the cage, reaching inwards. The intellect devourer raked a set of claws on her arm, but she didn't even notice as she grabbed its feeble body in her hands and drew it out. Hatch cuddled the abomination close and looked up at me, green eyes bright and welling with tears.
"He's hurt. We should help him."
He is an evil abomination. The best aid we could give him is a mercy stroke and last rites.
The brain-headed thing hissed at Pendulum and Hatch glared at the construct disapprovingly.
"Endeca, those things eat only brains. Sapient brains. How are you going to feed it?"
Hatch kicked the unconscious troll in the head, "He's gotta die anyway, right? Why not let Snuggles eat his brain? It's not like he's gonna use it."
Snuggles? You've named that atrocity?
"Yes! His name is Snuggles and he's my friend now, and I'll teach him how to behave, and love him, and feed him, and everything, and you can't stop me, so there!"
She let go of the aberration, which began burrowing its way into the troll's skull, seeking the meaty brains within.
"Hatch," I said quietly to her, "you know you can't save them all, right? You can't help everyone."
"I can't?" Her eyes were all wide and teary. She looked confused. Hurt. I shook my head and she turned to look at her new friend, 'Snuggles'.
"Then I'll help this one. And the next one. And as many as I can until there's no more left to help. I can do that, 'cause I've got magic and money and you guys. If I can't help everyone than I'll just help anyone I can. Isn't that what Pendulum is always talking about?"
Pendulum looked at her thoughtfully before turning back to watching our newest addition. His words were nearly inaudible.
Yes, I suppose it is.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilingsworth
Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
"Then I'll help this one. And the next one. And as many as I can until there's no more left to help. I can do that, 'cause I've got magic and money and you guys. If I can't help everyone than I'll just help anyone I can. Isn't that what Pendulum is always talking about?"
...*blinkblink*...
*melts into a little pile of cute-induced goo*
Awwwwwww
She's so very adorable, and yet so very dangerous... and I just want to hug her
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Basically, you need a comma most cases before closing quotations if the sentence continues, and a period where it does not and there is no other punctuation. For instance, here:
Spoiler
“He is such an idiot,” she muttered under her breath, “and he's jolly lucky he was still in range.”
Mostly, though, I really like your writing: the beginning of the story is somewhat slower due to necessary introductions - like explaining party roles - but I find that it helped me understand your prior snippets. For instance, I couldn't figure out at a glance that Nera was a sorceress before reading this part.
I kind of got lost on the moths - a bit too much explicit talking, if you ask me. But I don't really know how to do it better without skipping the scene altogether. I can't get what you were trying to show with the moths - how Nera acts (done, and done well)? Whether the enemies they face are dangerous? How the party acts in general?
No fancy formatting is good, though. Much easier to read that way. :)
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
Basically, you need a comma most cases before closing quotations if the sentence continues, and a period where it does not and there is no other punctuation. For instance, here:
Thank you. Commas are the bane of my existence
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
I kind of got lost on the moths - a bit too much explicit talking, if you ask me. But I don't really know how to do it better without skipping the scene altogether. I can't get what you were trying to show with the moths - how Nera acts (done, and done well)? Whether the enemies they face are dangerous? How the party acts in general?
I freely admit, the moths part wasn't well written. The problem was that I started in an awkward place (primarily because there was an awesome fight at the end of it). We'd also fought the moths before, so the characters knew all about them, but the writing of it didn't flow very well.
The moths were stupid, but as you say, I couldn't figure out how else to write it. I plan to go over the first part of the story and redo it all. But thank you, it helps
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Thank you. Commas are the bane of my existence :smallsigh:
I know your plight. :) I have been translating to English for a living for years now, and I still look up the comma rules. Even worse is that they are "situational" in many cases, unlike in my native language - so now, having gotten used to English punctuation, I have to look up commas in Russian, as well, and there's a lot more of them.
Quote:
I freely admit, the moths part wasn't well written. The problem was that I started in an awkward place (primarily because there was an awesome fight at the end of it). We'd also fought the moths before, so the characters knew all about them, but the writing of it didn't flow very well.
The moths were stupid, but as you say, I couldn't figure out how else to write it. I plan to go over the first part of the story and redo it all. But thank you, it helps :smallsmile:
*looks over text again*
I think I might see one of the problems. You jump from Silver to Tanc a lot, and somewhat unpredictably. It's hard to figure out who's head you are supposed to be in at the moment. Your original focus is Tanc, and then suddenly we're hearing Silver's thoughts, and then back to Tanc again. The classic solution to this is either showing everyone's thoughts from the very beginning (though damn hard to do well with a big party like yours), or keeping it one focal character per scene. It's hard to do two or more well, but it can be done.
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
I know your plight. :) I have been translating to English for a living for years now, and I still look up the comma rules. Even worse is that they are "situational" in many cases, unlike in my native language - so now, having gotten used to English punctuation, I have to look up commas in Russian, as well, and there's a lot more of them.
I'll freely admit, the grammar is not such an issue for me - mostly because I know it's not 100% correct and I just don't care. But also because I know I can hand anything I've written to my husband and say "don't tell me about it, just go through and fix the grammar and punctuation". He is good at such things, and a real pedant, so I have no fears that all such problems can be fixed. When I get around to it
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
I think I might see one of the problems. You jump from Silver to Tanc a lot, and somewhat unpredictably. It's hard to figure out who's head you are supposed to be in at the moment. Your original focus is Tanc, and then suddenly we're hearing Silver's thoughts, and then back to Tanc again. The classic solution to this is either showing everyone's thoughts from the very beginning (though damn hard to do well with a big party like yours), or keeping it one focal character per scene. It's hard to do two or more well, but it can be done.
This is possibly due to the fact that Silver was the one who cast message and is acting as the message relay centre. Which is where the lack of formatting comes in. All the parts that were coming through the message spell were in a different font to differentiate them from normal conversation.
I like your suggestion about not swapping between the two though. I shall have to reread it myself (eventually) and have another look. Thanks
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Hrm. So much to tell, so little time... working on some more tales, from DnD (AGGGGHHHH!, or Never Underestimate a Deity's Sense of Humour, among others), to Hackmaster (The Pixie Fairy Who Thought She Could (And The Thief Who Thought He Was) and Star Wars (I'm finally going to put the tale of the Infamous Force Speed Wheelbarrow in narrative form!)
Absolutely loving Hatch, those are incredibly well written tales!
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Pembrokeshire: A place where madness is an aid, not only to gainful employment, but continued existence.
"Wizards... the class everyone whines about, but I destroy whenever I feel like it"
- Darkpuppy, on Wizards in his DnD games.
AGGGGHHHH!
or, Never Underestimate a Deity's Sense of Humour
Spoiler
As the rubble that used to be a sewer entrance settled behind them, Mardic the Brave, warrior for hire, turned to his companion, Tharek Brightflame. He was, to say the least, incensed, because all of this had been Tharek's idea. They were stuck, in Waterdeep's sewers, with no way out except through.
"So let me get this straight," asked Mardic testily "Your god, Vergadain, personally asked you to join us because you were too proud? If we defeat this 'Xanathar', whoever he is, we'll be the Heroes of Waterdeep, by Tymora, and he summoned you to help us because you were too proud?"
Tharek, a cleric of Vergadain, shrugged, and began to speak. Although generally quiet, he seemed to be passionate enough about the subject to speak. "Well, you should never underestimate a deity's sense of humour, Mardic. Although the clergy of my faith are powerful, we don't ask for much, because we're never quite sure what we'll get. Of course," he continued, looking a bit glum "Sometimes Vergadain gives us what our hearts desire, and show us there's better profit elsewhere. The real problem is-"
He had stopped, because, peering myopically at the pair from the corridor ahead was a kobold. It was, at the moment, uncertain whether it had been noticed, and was gently trying to edge away. Mardic had also noticed the creature, but, unlike Tharek, was more amused than nonplussed. Nudging his companion, he whispered "Watch this!" and, without further ado, began charging at the kobold with a bloodcurdling shriek. Rather naturally, the timid creature took to its heels, and, before Tharek could say anything, Mardic had charged into the darkness, torch in one hand, sword in the other, wailing like a banshee.
Tharek sighed. He wasn't actually sure that lumping him with a bloodthirsty idiot like Mardic had been part of the joke, but he somehow assumed it was. He was dirty, crude, had little intelligence, and saw those less violent than himself as sport. In short, Mardic was a thug, and a boastful one at that. Trudging through the slimy waters, Tharek considered his lot, pondering as he tried to follow the human's screaming. Vergadain, he thought I know I've asked for a lot recently, but please let me at least have some humour of my very own, eh?
As if on cue, Tharek heard a quick succession of noises. Firstly, from over one shoulder, he heard the deep belly laugh of a dwarf. Immediately afterwards, there came a sharp twanging, the splash and hiss of a torch falling and being extinguished, copious swearing, and a sibilant tittering around the next corner. Suddenly grinning, he thanked Vergadain for his mercy, and sprinted around the corner. There, clear as day to his dwarven eyes, was Mardic the Brave, cursing mightily and struggling between two nets, suspended halfway between the grimy muck and the ceiling while a small group of kobolds poked him with sharp wooden sticks. He was not being injured, but he was most definitely in more trouble than he had reckoned for. Chuckling inwardly, Tharek acted almost on instinct.
The group of kobolds saw the stout humanoid in plate raise his mace, and call a bright light from nowhere, laughing maniacally as the cold blue light shone down upon his face. Superstitious creatures, they fled, leaving the reckless warrior, still struggling and swearing, along with their spears. Tharek's shining mace swung down, its tines biting through the hempen ropes holding Mardic hostage, and he fell to the stagnant water, immediately coming up even smellier and filthier than he was before. Tharek didn't think he could ever stop laughing, but soon regained control, and, still chuckling, reached into the muck, pulled out Mardic's sword, and handed it to him with a smirking bow.
"See, Mardic? Never underestimate a deity's sense of humour!"
Mardic just scowled.
That was a bit knocked-out, as it were, but still gets the gist of it across. Names were changed, partly because it was so long ago I've forgotten the characters' names, but also because I'd like to be a little fair on the player who did, as the story says, get outwitted by a kobold...
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Pembrokeshire: A place where madness is an aid, not only to gainful employment, but continued existence.
"Wizards... the class everyone whines about, but I destroy whenever I feel like it"
- Darkpuppy, on Wizards in his DnD games.
Nayell Darhan was worried, no two ways about it. He had some hokey magic ability called the Force, and it meant that he could never show his face anywhere the Empire held sway. On top of that, he'd joined some ragtag rebellion, and, in the quest for freedom for the galaxy (whatever that means), he had been sent with his cell to some back-assward planet in the middle of the Fringe, to rescue some ambassador who had an Imperial Seize and Detain on his head. The fringe world part he didn't mind so much, but the Imperial Seize and Detain? That had always been, during Nayell's life, another way of saying "This guy is going to vanish, and if you stop us, we'll vanish you too."
So yeah, he wasn't exactly feeling confident. The rest were alright, they'd been with the rebellion for years, but he'd literally joined up by accident, or, more accurately, bad luck. Will of the Force? Whoever the heck said that was an idiot. Still, at least the mansion was nice. The world was primitive, and it seemed the best gardens in the universe were all hand rolled and cut for several decades, like this one. The mansion itself looked like something out of a holo, and the ambassador himself was pretty cool. Of course, anything could-
"AMBASSADOR LAREN, YOU ARE ORDERED TO GIVE YOURSELF UP TO THE MERCY OF THE EMPEROR!"
Ohhhh, sithspit thought Nayell, as he turned from the porch of the mansion. The gateway was... was... filled with stormtroopers, and from the sounds of it, the Empire had mobilised a full garrison for this one man. Why me? Force take this, WHY?. The rest of the cell were already unlimbering their blaster rifles, and the ambassador was cowering behind them. Nayell had, no sithing, a stick. Sure, it hit harder than normal sticks and didn't break for some reason, but it was still, when you came down to it, a big stick. Against an entire batallion of stormtroopers. No, no, no, and no again. There had to be another solution.
Nothing, nothing, nothing... and then, with an almost insane clarity, it struck him. The Force can improve a stick, make it hit faster and harder... why not a person?
Without warning, he purposefully stalked to the back of the group, and whispered urgently in Ambassador Laren's ear. "This is a pretty neat garden. Maintained by hand?" The ambassador looked shellshocked, and gaped at Nayell as if he was insane. Which, to Nayell, half made sense. But, after a few seconds, the Ambassador spoke.
"Errr, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"
Nayell didn't answer, merely looked around. Seeing exactly what he was looking for, he strode over to the nearby garden shed. He'd farmed before, knew what sort of tools were kept, and grinned as he turned to the rest of the cell.
"See this? Ambassador Laren, get in. Guys, secure him in it, make sure he's well padded, don't ask questions, and we'll bring the ship here to pick you up. Keep them busy in the meantime."
Surprisingly, there was no argument.
*-*-*
Commander Eska was, to put it bluntly, not a happy man. He had been ordered to a backwater world, with his entire force, to imprison one man. The only reason they hadn't sent a squad? rumours of some hotshot rebel cell being sent to the area. If I had a cred for every time a rumour was a load of sithspit, I'd be richer than the Emperor, he mused, and waited for the inevitable gunfire. After all, the order mentioned nothing about having to bring him back alive...
And then all hell broke loose. The next thing he knew, there was a blur speeding toward him, he went flying through the air, and everything got a bit dark.
When we woke up, his men were milling about in confusion. "WHAT THE SITH IS GOING ON? SECURE THE-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence, as one of the troopers brokenly interrupted him. "Sir, we can't. The suspect escaped."
Commander Eska turned a bright shade of purple, unobscured since his helmet had been removed, but, before he could continue, the trooper explained. As he did, his face got darker and darker, and he blacked out again, this time from a case of minor apoplexy and shock...
*-*-*
In the meantime, Nayell was discovering two things. Firstly, that while the Force helped him attain speed, he was not yet skilled enough to properly control a one wheeled, unreliable vehicle while doing so. It was taking all of his strength to keep the damn thing on course. As the ship came closer and closer, luckily a straight line from the Ambassador's mansion, he was also learning quite rapidly about the laws of inertia. If he didn't do something, and soon, both he and the ambassador would not so much be escapees as thinly spread bulkhead jam.
Again, he saw his future, and goggled. I have to do WHAT? he thought, even as he was skillfully manipulating his movements and clumsily those of the Ambassador's conveyance. He was now running backwards, and, due to the difficulty thereof, slowing down... but would it be-
Nayell knew two things at that very moment: Intense pain, and relieved unconsciousness.
*-*-*
Some hours later, the Ambassador entered the Veldspar Seagull's medbay, smiling. "My thanks to you, young, er... Jedi? for the assistance..." Nayell would have corrected him on the whole "jedi" thing, if it weren't for the fact that it still hurt to talk, or move, so he would not do so unless it were important. The Ambassador, almost embarassed, continued "...but whatever possessed you to use a wheelbarrow?"
Nayell chuckled, then coughed, which of course hurt a lot. What the hell, if the guy thinks I'm a Jedi, might as well say something mysteriously wise...
"Sometimes, sir... there is no clear path, only an obscure one."
And, for Nayell, as everything became pain and darkness again, his last thought was - In a good way.
Yeah, Nayell Darhan, short lived character that he was, was known within the group as the "Force Inept", for his incredibly bad luck with the Jedi Mind Trick, and his crack-brained uses of the Force that nearly always ended up with him out of commision, even if the job was done. The Force really had it in for poor Nayell...
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Pembrokeshire: A place where madness is an aid, not only to gainful employment, but continued existence.
"Wizards... the class everyone whines about, but I destroy whenever I feel like it"
- Darkpuppy, on Wizards in his DnD games.
I figured it would be fun to join in.
Sadly I don´t really have any epic moments from current D&D game to share, so I hope you don´t mind one from a warhammer game.
Among those you belong
Spoiler
Wolfhart looked up at the rising moons as he walked back towards the tavern. Why he had agreed to help Burcin question these villages was beyond him at moment. Of course the silver-tongued little halfing had spun some tale about cultists and Wolfharts oath to protect the empire from enemies within as well as those outside the border, but if one more air-headed peasant girl tried to charm him rather answer the questions regarding murders spanning over the last dozen years he would personally torch this cursed village.
Wolfhart took a deep breath, it was his own fault ofcourse, he could have dressed as a common soldier, but no he had to bring the robes of his office
Wolfhart stopped as noticed a young woman sitting by the stream running through the town, even without her Amethyst robe the clean shaven woman was easily reconcilable to him.
"How did it go for you Esmeralda?" Wolfhart asked as he approached the Strigany woman. "They wouldn´t even talk with me" she responded sounding genuinely hurt, still staring at the water. "Who care about them anyway" Wolfhart said, trying to sound comforting. Despite Esmeralda being his elder he felt responsible for her. He was after all the one who discovered her and (at time against her will) introduced her to colleges in Altdorf.
Even though she did join the bright college she was still his "charge" of sorts. Not in any official capacity, but still.
"You don´t understand" she insisted "I have always been scorned, the other Strigany is all I ever had, and now they won´t even talk with me, now I don´t have anyone" Wolfhart could her voice quivering, of course he knew the Strigany was ostracised due superstitious rumours about them consorting with vampires, but Wolfhart had always considered that old women's tales besides she was collegiate magister now.
Wolfhart placed a hand on her should and gave her a warm smile "Ofcourse you do" he said "You are one of us now".
The look Esmeralda gave in return was one of outright horror, as she shoved him away and ran.
Wolfhart started the campaign as a grave robber, eventually becoming a student and bright wizard. Esmeralda witnessed how this rise in class and power went to his head and eventually making him ruthless and cruel, to all but those closest to him (e.g. the group, his family and his apprentice).
To her, the aspect of being "one of his" was properly more terrifying than being all alone in the world
Darkpuppy: a very fun read! Nayell sounds a lot of fun.
Lady Moreta: ah, then, I leave the proofreading to your established beta. I still want to read more. :)
You people have collectively inspired me to write up a bit from our own D&D game. I usually write my snippets in Russian, but hey. what the heck. Constructive criticism welcome - English literary styles aren't really my strong suit.
Desert Dangers
or Lucky Knowledge Check
Spoiler
The sand is everywhere. It itches under my clothes, it screaks in my boots, it gets under my mask and makes it hard to breathe, it sifts through my hair. And yet the journey could have been worse. For the hundreth time, I offer silent thanks to the unknown Elven artificer who made my cloak and thus saved us from the brunt of the heat. The sun glares mercilessly from a sky so blue that my eyes hurt from a single glance upwards.
Ah, the salve must be wearing off.
I slow my pace, and reach for a small jar, then smear a bit of dark blue, cool-smelling salve on my eyelids. Alchemical glare protection. I am lucky. When the Indifferent one and his clerics had taught me, an unnaturally long ten years ago, a general stragegy for taking care of yourself in an unknown environment, they included the following: "Your senses are vulnerable. Eyes can be blinded, ears deafened, skin burned or frozen, nose nauseated. Take care of your senses, and you'll have less of a chance to blunder into your doom." The rule has saved us countless times.
But sometimes doom arrives just while you are preparing for it.
Sharp-eyed Jelita yells a warning, and Cypher, next to me, throws a hand up in a defensive gesture. Ambush!
And then the world is fire and pain. Taali screeches in fear from his resting place in my cloak, and I stagger, but somehow hold my ground. All of us do.
But while we stand there, blinded, hurt, it rises from the sands. A humongous armored worm with a gaping maw, the sharp spikes protruding from its scales gleaming with green ichor. It looms over us, ready to pound us into the sand.
I've seen those spikes, that mouth. Where? Where!?
We react fast. The sharp twang of Jelita's bow tells me the rogue has already sent a few arrows into the beast. Cypher sings out a phrase, and his pure, clear magic envelops me, envelops all of us, raising spirits and driving doubt and fear from our hearts. Fai takes to the skies, and Katarina - brave Katarina - calls out a prayer and closes in with the beast.
Can we kill it before it kills us?
It is hurt already, and badly. Katarina's mace, Cypher's sword, Jelita's arrows. A simple magic missle should give us enough of an edge.
But something scratches in my mind, some fact I must remember about this creature, something I specifically paid attention to when reading those scrolls. Something is wrong, very wrong.
I follow Fai's suit and take to the skies. Last out the seconds I need to see it, to understand, please, friends!
It winds around Katarina, its spikes breaking through her armor, its venom eating away at her skin, and she falls limp in its grip. Poison. Fire-breathing poisonous worm!...
"Fai!" I shout. "Your staff! If it dies, we all die!"
The warlock understands me instantly, and draws the stave from the leather loop on his pack.
"Charm Monster!" he cries. "Do not eat her!"
Luckily, the creature is smarter than a mere animal. I know not if it understands Common, but it certainly knows intonation. It freezes, heeding Fai's warning.
Our warriors stop in mid-swing and mid-notch.
"Get her out!" Fai shouts.
Cypher takes a step forward, but the creature bristles threateningly, instinctively biting down on Katarina. The paladin backs away again.
"Fai, your call. It's charmed to you." I note. The obvious is hardly obvious when your beloved is unconscious in the mouth of some creature.
The warlock swoops down to the worm. I stay aloft to study the creature.
I was right. It is *that* worm. Those ridges really are unmistakable.
Fai murmurs soothing words as he carefully extracts Katarina from the worm's mouth, and passes her to Cypher. He concentrates momentarily, and Katarina opens her eyes, and stands shakily.
"What... Happened?"
"It's not over," I say. "Back away. Slowly. About a hundred feet should
do."
"What's wrong with it?" Fai asks in that same soothing tone, petting the creature with a gloved hand. It arches under his soft touch, having finally found a friendly soul in this hungry world.
"When they die, they explode. Sharp, poisonous pieces. It'd tear us to shreds."
Fai nods and confirms: "Back away. I'll take care of it."
"If it's friendly now, then maybe we could ride it." The paladin offers. "We've a long way to go, and no mounts."
I and Fai exchange dark looks.
"No." I say. "If the spell is dispelled - and in these sands, this is more than just a possibility - it'll attack again, and at a most inopportune time, too."
"I don't want to risk it either." Fai nods.
"Jailin, how far is it to the city?" Katarina asks suddenly.
"A day's travel. Our walking speed." I answer.
She shakes her head. "We cannot leave it so close to the city. It is a threat."
The paladin spreads his hands, conceding to her logic.
"I'll do it." Fai says. I hear the reason behind his words, and I would have done the same in his place. You charm it, you kill it.
I float to the ground, and we retreat. Once we are out of range, Fai once more spreads his charcoal-colored wings, and soars upwards, until he is a mere silhouette against the all-too-bright sky. The worm raises its head longingly to where Fai disappeared, too far for its blindsense. And then a lance of sharp green light falls from the skies, and where there was a living creature, there is now a whirling storm of poisonous blades, spreading to where we had stood or flown mere seconds earlier.
I draw my cloak tighter about myself as I watch the storm slowly subside, seeing in my mind's eye, against my will, Katarina, Fai, Cypher. Broken and poisoned. My own body, rended and torn. I would not even have lived to be poisoned in my current state. Jelita would probably live - the half-elf is quicker than most of my full-blooded brethren. But alone in the desert, would it take her long to join us in the afterlife? I think not...
Taali tugs at my hair consolingly, and I stroke his soft fur, in turn relieving his fears. Not even singed. That pocket was a good investment. But even a magical pocket would not do well in that sharp whirlwind.
"How glad I am that we were not in there..." I mutter.
Katarina looks at me knowingly and nods.
And then my body reminds me just how hurt I am. The pain that left me during the battle rush returns, and I have to cling onto my own staff to keep standing. I wouldn't have lasted long even with a staff, but, luckily, warm friendly hands are there to catch me as I fall. Katarina's healing touch soon returns me to my senses.
Fai, unusually solemn, lands with a soft sweep of his wings. He folds his wings and returns the staff to its loop.
"Why so serious?" Jelita asks him, shouldering her bow. "We won!"
"I still had to kill it." He answers curtly.
"Oh, c'mon!" The half-elf laughs. "It wanted to eat us, and we fought back!"
"I know," Fai nods. "But that was hardly fair."
"What, did we hurt its feelings?" Jelita throws her hands up in the air. "Oooh, Fai, think about the feelings of the baby worms. Mommy was catching travellers to chew 'em and spit 'em up for her young, and now that she won't ever come back, they will have to dig themselves out... And HUNT!" She makes a scary face.
Cypher and Katarina exchange looks that say "Children will be children."
"I think someone's missing the point of how a charm spell works." I comment offhandedly. "Fai, doesn't your staff have quite a few charges remaining?" The warlock nods. "We could always demonstrate, Jelita."
The rogue sighs in exasperation, but quiets.
And I start waiting for night to fall and finally be over. This is not going to be a pleasant night to trance.
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
Welcome to the thread, Werekat, enjoyed your tale, and will critique when I'm not so tired. Also welcome to Anterean, whose brief tale nonetheless implied a hella story!
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Pembrokeshire: A place where madness is an aid, not only to gainful employment, but continued existence.
"Wizards... the class everyone whines about, but I destroy whenever I feel like it"
- Darkpuppy, on Wizards in his DnD games.
Yeah, Nayell Darhan, short lived character that he was, was known within the group as the "Force Inept", for his incredibly bad luck with the Jedi Mind Trick, and his crack-brained uses of the Force that nearly always ended up with him out of commision, even if the job was done. The Force really had it in for poor Nayell...
Still, that was a brilliant plan with the wheelbarrow I liked it, very funny.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anterean
Wolfhart started the campaign as a grave robber, eventually becoming a student and bright wizard. Esmeralda witnessed how this rise in class and power went to his head and eventually making him ruthless and cruel, to all but those closest to hum (e.g. the group, his family and his apprentice).
To her, the aspect of being "one of his" was properly more terrifying than being all alone in the world
Interesting. A different ending to most of what we've got here. It left me going 'huh? what was so bad about that?' (which of course you explained later). But it was a good way to grab you and make you want more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
Lady Moreta: ah, then, I leave the proofreading to your established beta. I still want to read more. :)
No, don't! Husband is more than happy to nitpick my grammar and spelling (even when I don't want him to), but he's not so good at the 'how do I make the general writing/tone better'. When I first got him to read it, his response was 'it's a bit too D&D, try making it less obvious' - but there were no suggestions forthcoming on how to do that.
Besides, I'm pretty sure your English is better than mine, and it's the only language I know
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
You people have collectively inspired me to write up a bit from our own D&D game. I usually write my snippets in Russian, but hey. what the heck. Constructive criticism welcome - English literary styles aren't really my strong suit.
I'm glad, because that was brilliant! I loved it I'm not sure 'screaks' is a word, but who cares! It fit perfectly, and you conjured up that horribly annoying sensation you get when there is sand in your shoes.
I only have one point of minor critisim, and I'm not even sure I'm right about it...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
I and Fai exchange dark looks.
I'm pretty sure that in English at least, this should be 'Fai and I', not the other way around. It doesn't seem to read properly the way you have it, but I'm not sure about the actual rule, so I could be wrong.
Otherwise, I loved it, and I really felt for Fai. Especially as Silver is likely to be taking Charm Monster at her next level up (which should be some time this afternoon as we have our next game today and I only need about 800xp to level up).
I'm still trying to write Lirrin's backstory, since Gareth asked for it, but I seem to be struggling with it. Not least because husband gave me the puppy-dog eyes and begged to let him steal my laptop last night so he and bro-in-law could play TA
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Lady Moreta: sure, then! :) And thank you for the compliment, but it isn't. It's not as naturally-flowing, that's for sure. :)
As for the obviousness of D&D: we-elll, I'm not sure that's a bad thing in this case. But I'm a fan of stories based on stuff that happened in-game, and thus of the fact that it shows decisions are made in split seconds, aren't always correct, and so on. "You can't make this stuff up" kind of story, essentially.
As for that snippet: "screaks" seems to be a US-dialect word. I actually had to look up the word for that sound, and that one seemed to evoke the feeling best. I'll look up the rule on "Fai and I". :)
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
I think that you're thinking of 'shrieks', 'cause I've never heard of the other one.
As far as the 'and I' rule, one puts oneself at the end of lists. However, sometimes 'and me' is the appropriate phrase; it depends on what the rest of the sentence looks like. Observe:
"Pelor smote Harley and me."
"Rachel and I totally sexed up those priests of Sune Firehair."
Essentially speaking, you determine if you need to use 'I' or 'me' by removing everyone else from your list and seeing which word makes sense.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilingsworth
Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
As for the rule... If I understand you correctly, then, I technically used it in the right manner, since "I" and "Fai" are both subjects, and "I exchange a dark look with Fai" is correct. However, "I exchange a dark look with Fai" is just better-flowing English.
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
As for the obviousness of D&D: we-elll, I'm not sure that's a bad thing in this case. But I'm a fan of stories based on stuff that happened in-game, and thus of the fact that it shows decisions are made in split seconds, aren't always correct, and so on. "You can't make this stuff up" kind of story, essentially.
Oh, I love not having to come up with the plot myself... my problem is the fact that initially, my writing wasn't very subtle. For example, when Silver casts message, I think how I originally wrote it sounds stupid and yes very overly D&Dish. I think something like 'she grabs a piece of copper wire and whispers a spell. Now they can keep in contact' sounds better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Werekat
As for that snippet: "screaks" seems to be a US-dialect word. I actually had to look up the word for that sound, and that one seemed to evoke the feeling best. I'll look up the rule on "Fai and I". :)
Oh, I think it was a fantastic word. Perfectly fit what you meant I think. I'd just never heard it before. But that's okay, I like new words
As for the rule... If I understand you correctly, then, I technically used it in the right manner, since "I" and "Fai" are both subjects, and "I exchange a dark look with Fai" is correct. However, "I exchange a dark look with Fai" is just better-flowing English.
Except that's not what you wrote. You wrote "I and Fai exchanged dark looks". Which, according to what Gareth posted, is technically incorrect. If you had written "I exchange a dark look with Fai" that would be perfectly correct. I don't want to nitpick, just clarify
And I'm still attempting Lirrin's backstory - or at least, her reason for leaving her village and joined the city guard. I have the reasoning in place, I'm just struggling to get the writing started.
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
hey everybody, session 3 with my on campus group concluded about an hour ago, and it has produced a new snippet....
"uh oh" or "the Death of Valek"
I have much work to do tomorrow, so I'm afraid I can't type it up now, even though i REEEEAAALLLLY want to....
spoilered for senseless verbosity
Spoiler
due to the newbishness of much of my group, I have offered them 'resource NPCs' which are characters I've played in the past. Valek is my dwarf rogue, who filled in whenever the party rogue couldn't make it to the session.... as of this past session he had been voted in as a semi-permanent party member, due to the rogue player's absence..... he was subsequently killed in the 2nd adventure of today's session....
the party also took along my planeswalking barbarian for some extra oomph after the paladin player had to leave.........
I reallly should get around to writing some stuff for him.
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teej has quotes
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Originally Posted by Occasional Sage
big teej, you are the GitP forum with legs.
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Originally Posted by McSmack
Or if you're feeling saucy you can remind him that it's not a democracy, it's a Teej-tatorship, and he'd best remember that.
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Originally Posted by IthroZada
I imagine Cenobites to be what you get when you mash together the Book of Erotic Fantasy and the Book of Vile Darkness.
if I've gone quiet in a pbp we share, PM ME! this means I'm not getting updates!
Oh, I love not having to come up with the plot myself... my problem is the fact that initially, my writing wasn't very subtle. For example, when Silver casts message, I think how I originally wrote it sounds stupid and yes very overly D&Dish. I think something like 'she grabs a piece of copper wire and whispers a spell. Now they can keep in contact' sounds better.
I tend to keep to the other side of the fence here. When you're "in the head" of the character, they know what they're doing, and what spells they are casting. They have a means of referring to them, and it's usually a simple title or a description of an effect. It's kind of like us usually not thinking, "she picks up the plastic construct and presses a few buttons"; we usually just say "she phones someone." If magic is commonplace - and especially if the PoV character is a mage - I tend to use similar shorthand, be it in third person or first person. For instance, "Message" sounds pretty obvious: it's a concise summary of what the spell does. It feels more realistic to me.
It's a whole different ballpark, however, when the PoV is from someone who does not actually understand what's going on. And then it's a chance to show off the perception of the PoV character. Are they simple, yet attentive? Great detail, but the trees actually obscure the forest. "Ooh, pretty lights, " instead off "that was some kind of signal!" Do they grasp meaning well, but are so absorbed in it that they forget whatever else comes along? "Yes, that came from northeast, near the bugbear camp... Whaddya mean, we're fighting?" And so on, and so on. A character who is familiar with something but does not actually understand it can easily make up her own names for what's going on: "Oh, she did the snake dance again!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Except that's not what you wrote. You wrote "I and Fai exchanged dark looks". Which, according to what Gareth posted, is technically incorrect. If you had written "I exchange a dark look with Fai" that would be perfectly correct. I don't want to nitpick, just clarify :smallsmile:.
I like nitpicking, 'cause I'm a pretty slow learner, and often get stuff only *after* it's been nitpicked to death. :) If you ever get bored of it - just tell me, ok?
I'm trying to get the whole subject-object thing here: if you have two subjects of action, you use "I" - and then you have to figure out where to put it; if you have an object of action, you use "me". I think I have two subjects with one verb: so wouldn't the use of "I" be correct? "I exchange a dark look" is incomplete, but not incorrect. The question should be the order of the subjects, and I haven't been able to find anything decisive on that yet.
If I'm still missing something, and anyone's still up for explaining (or just pointing me to the rule I've misread), I'll be very glad. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
And I'm still attempting Lirrin's backstory - or at least, her reason for leaving her village and joined the city guard. I have the reasoning in place, I'm just struggling to get the writing started..
*grins* Similar problem here. I'm writing a little and hopefully funny snippet about elven ears, and am finding it hard to get the introduction. I just start writing, though: I can always edit later.
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There are thousands of good reasons magic doesn't rule the world. They're called mages. - Slightly misquoted Pratchett
Where you put "I" or "me" is only determined by the order of the sentence and whether or not there's a list involved. Observe:
"I exchanged a dark look with Fai," is entirely correct: you, the subject, perform a verb upon something.
"Fai and I exchanged a dark look," is also correct.
"I and Fai exchanged a dark look," is INcorrect.
The pronoun that represents oneself always goes at the end of any listing, so if Kayla is part of this, then any list should read, "Fai, Kayla and I," or "Kayla, Fai and I", as taste dictates.
Make more sense now?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilingsworth
Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
I really love all of the stories everyone has posted so far, and am really looking forward to more. I've been lurking around this thread for a while, and was finally inspired to resurrect this account to try and be a part of it.
Just to warn you all though, I've really just started writing, and am far from used to first-person POV, so read at your own risk.
Anyway, I've been stalling enough. Here's my small contribution: The most recent adventure of my Paladin/Crusader Varen Castellos in his quest to find his childhood friend.
Revelations in the Eye of the Storm
(or That's a lot of Natural 20s)
Spoiler
The wind blew hard across the ground, whipping my hair wildly about and scattering the pebbles at my feet. The harsh crack of thunder echoed in the distance and the sky began to darken. I was close. So very close.
For almost three whole years, I had traveled across Geridia, searching for the Fear Legion, the most elusive members of the Crownbreakers and their leader, the Deathwind. But perhaps even more than that, I was searching for closure. I had to know what had happened to her.
Natalia…
I gazed at their camp, mere miles away from the plateau where I stood. Soon, so very soon, I would strike. A bolt of lightning flashed in the distance, distracting me from my reverie and illuminating my perch to reveal an all too familiar figure.
I was no longer alone. The figure's face was covered by a monstrous mask made from the fused skulls of some of the fiercest creatures in the world, and his rusted mail was covered by bones. A hide cloak trailed behind him, blown by the wind, and in his left hand, he held a massive blade. The Deathwind. It seemed that my quarry had instead come to me.
“You!” I could barely contain my rage. Trembling in anger, fear, and anticipation, I slowly began to draw my sword and shield as he trudged toward me.
“You have come far,” he said, his voice deep and distorted as though by some magic within his mask. “But I would turn back if I were you. It would be a great waste to all of Attare to see the end of such a skilled warrior here. Leave now, little pawn of the emperor, and I may just spare your life.”
“Silence!” I erupted. “You have been a source of misery in this land for far too long! I will make you pay for your crimes, here and now!”
“Very well then,” The Deathwind said, almost sadly. “You will die here.”
I charged, and a furious cry escaped my lips as my blade met his. Using my momentum, I pressed the attack and rained blow after blow against him, only to have each strike knocked away in turn. He whipped his foot into a gap in my armor, and I heard the loud snap of bone as one of my right ribs shattered under the blow. I screamed in agony, only to be silenced as he slammed the pommel of his sword into my temple. Disoriented, I fell back, barely managing to sidestep a powerful swing that would have split me in two.
Cursing myself for being so reckless, I adopted one of my newly learned stances, bringing my shield up in order to better defend myself while I scanned him for any gaps in his defense. As he stepped into his next blow, I saw my chance. Rolling under his sword, I spun and plunged my blade into a section of his rusted mail. I watched with satisfaction as his blood seeped from under the shattered links.
Unfortunately, this feeling didn’t last long, as the Deathwind whipped his sword in a wide arc, hammering it into my shield as I brought it up just in time. My shield arm went limp as I felt the reverberations from the blow traveling into the left side of my body, further exacerbating the pain from my broken rib. I coughed once and fell to my knees, tasting the metallic flavor of blood as it began to drip from my mouth.
“You are strong-willed, paladin,” the Deathwind murmured. “Far too strong-willed for your own good. Yet you fight us. You must know that you cannot stop us, so why do you resist? Join us, and exert this will of yours over others! You could have anything you desire!”
“All I want is Natalia, you son of a whore,” I spat, my blood splattering his boots.
“Natalia…” The Deathwind’s tone suddenly became much more sinister, and almost mocking. “Such a pretty name… Yes, I remember her. She was my favorite,” he began to chuckle darkly. “Though never willing of course… She had such beautiful screams...”
That’s when I snapped.
Using the last of my strength, I unleashed one final blow, aimed directly at his head. He raised his blade to block mine, but it was of no use. With a scream of pure fury, I drove my sword through his, cleaving it in two before sinking my blade into his mask.
Time seemed to stand still as the Deathwind’s helm shattered and fell to the ground at my feet, leaving me face to face for the first time with my hated foe. I could not believe my eyes.
“N-Natalia,”
She stood before me, almost exactly as I had last seen her, from her wavy blonde hair to her deep blue eyes. There was no one else she could have possibly been.
“Natalia… Tali… why?” I felt my eyes brimming with tears. “W-Were you behind all this? What have you done?!”
Slowly, she walked over to me. She stroked my face gently with her right hand, brushing away a stray tear. Over the sound of the storm, I was vaguely aware of what sounded like some voices in the distance.
“Varen, I’m so sorry,” she said, as she kissed me on the cheek. Suddenly, my whole being was wracked by a wave of pain. I stumbled back in shock, gaping at the shattered sword shoved deep into my side, in the same spot as my broken rib.
My vision began to blur, and I became acutely aware of my surroundings. Of the frigid air and my burning hot blood, of the sounds of voices and footsteps, and of the hardness of the rock as it struck my unprotected head. Soon, everything descended into blackness.
The last thing I heard was the murmuring of many voices. The last thing I felt was the falling rain.
tl;dr Varen finally learns the identity of his mortal enemy before possibly being killed.
Last edited by Machuchang : 10-06-2010 at 12:22 AM.
I really love all of the stories everyone has posted so far, and am really looking forward to more. I've been lurking around this thread for a while, and was finally inspired to resurrect this account to try and be a part of it.
Awesome. A new victim!
Er... I mean, newcomer - welcome newcomer
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
The last thing I heard was the murmuring of many voices. The last thing I felt was the falling rain.
tl;dr Varen finally learns the identity of his mortal enemy before possibly being killed.
Wow. Just wow. That was epic I love fight scenes, and that was very well done. Wonderful battle, and so sad!
Only one point of critism (which is mostly a stylistic thing):
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machuchang
“Silence!” I screamed, feeling my voice seemingly erupt from my body. “You have been a source of misery in this land for far too long! I will make you pay for your crimes, here and now!”
Here, I don't think you need the 'seemingly'. His voice was supposed to erupt from his body yes? You were trying to express exactly how he's feeling and just how he's screaming - anger and hatred and fear all in one right? Using 'seemingly' actually lessens the impact of the 'erupt from my body' part. I would take it out.
Also, on a purely physical note, technically we talk out of our body (the mouth), so why can't he 'erupt' instead of just yell?
Quote:
Originally Posted by big teej
okay...
I give up....
what in the name of pun-pun does tl;dr mean?!
We could tell you, but then we'd have to kill you
Translated: I have no idea what it means, but I've seen it before and am also curious. Machuchang, what does it mean?
edit: and there you go answering the question before I get in...
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
Wow. Just wow. That was epic I love fight scenes, and that was very well done. Wonderful battle, and so sad!
Thanks a lot! I'm very glad you liked it! This is the first battle sequence I've written in a long time, so it really means a lot to me to hear/read that.
...Though it does help that my DM is very descriptive and that all the nat 20s rolled during that combat made it very dramatic.
Quote:
Here, I don't think you need the 'seemingly'. His voice was supposed to erupt from his body yes? You were trying to express exactly how he's feeling and just how he's screaming - anger and hatred and fear all in one right? Using 'seemingly' actually lessens the impact of the 'erupt from my body' part. I would take it out.
Also, on a purely physical note, technically we talk out of our body (the mouth), so why can't he 'erupt' instead of just yell?
Excellent points. I feel kind of silly for having that part there, looking back on it. I'll go fix that, and hopefully that will increase the impact and make it less repetitive.
Thanks a lot for all the advice! If I have to be a victim while I'm here, I'll be sure to make the most out of it.
Last edited by Machuchang : 10-04-2010 at 11:34 PM.
Thanks a lot! I'm very glad you liked it! This is the first battle sequence I've written in a long time, so it really means a lot to me to hear/read that.
...Though it does help that my DM is very descriptive and that all the nat 20s rolled during that combat made it very dramatic.
You're welcome! and it does help, I know. I'm the note-taker in our group, and my books are scattered with little bits of description and diagrams of our fights.
You gotta love the natural 20
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There is no social situation that can't be improved if everyone was to go away and leave me to read.
You're welcome! and it does help, I know. I'm the note-taker in our group, and my books are scattered with little bits of description and diagrams of our fights.
That is a really amazing idea. I've gotta start doing that!
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