Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Damn, I really wish that St. Patrick's Day was today. It would make things so appropriate.
#122: Seven Drunken Strips
Spoiler
And here's that bonus content I was talking about! Remember how I said I'm taking a creative writing class in school right now? Well, what do you think?
Spoiler
Matt never liked elvish girls. Or elves in general, for that matter. People would stare at him whenever he loudly, repeatedly, shouted his distaste for them.
“But why?” they’d ask.
“Because they’re arrogant pricks with their noses in the air who are snooty and think they’re so much better than everyone else and meanwhile they’re sissies in a fight,” he’d snap back.
(And if you asked whether this had anything to do with a certain elf kid beating him in a freerunning contest, he’d hotly deny it and continue to deny it until you walked away or changed the subject.)
So no. Matt hated elves, elf girls included. Arrogant jerks who needed to be put into their place, the lot of them. As if he’d ever consider himself friends with one.
(Except that Serrin was chipper and perky and bubbly and perpetually happy and he’d never seen her arrogant, not even when she displayed her admittedly impressive intellect. Anyone who saw her would conclude that she was the patron saint of sunshine and lollipops or something. And they’d be right.)
And the language! Why the hell did anyone call it the language of love or elegance or some other crap like that? It was just an annoying buzzing. Much better to hear things in good old Common, where at least you understood what was going on. And who needed all those wines anyway? Give Matt a beer or some vodka and he’d be happy. Oh, and did he mention the arrogance? As if they’d ever deign themselves to make contact with “the common folk” or whatever they called it.
(Except that Serrin was laying all over his lap right now, in a way that would be insanely provocative coming from anybody else yet somehow still managed to stay chaste with her. She’s laying in his lap right now, as drunk as drunk can be, and she’s teaching him how to curse in Elvish. Maybe it’s the vodka, maybe it’s the fact that Matt didn’t even know that Serrin even knew these words or what they meant, but even the vilest phrases sounded like music coming from her mouth.)
And as she dragged him out into the middle of the bar and started to dance, sandy ponytail sweeping through the air, Matt figured that it’s probably the alcohol talking, but maybe he can make an exception to his previous claims about elves and elf girls.
I'm gonna be against the flow here and say outlined.
What? Everyone else are against the flow too, okay?
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Glyphstone
In the grim statistics of the far future, there is only math.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kneenibble
Most Hilarious Murderer in the Playground. Both his episodes of hysterically ending my life left me chuckling even hours later when I thought about them.
I ship you/Anyone./Infernal Gardevoir from outside the playground, by Recaiden//ExtendedSig
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thanqol
It's not normal, of course, and what's actually happening in Comet Kicker's brain is that she's using regular murder as therapy for worse murder. There's a breakdown in the works and all it needs is one good, hard kick.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Okay, who's the fellow with the glasses and yellow hair? I think I recognize the other background NPC from previous artworks found in forsaken and esoteric GitP threads.
Also, love the expression's on Fir.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverClawShift
Wizard: Ug. God. Allright. What do you want us to do?
Me: Burn for me.
Wizard: ...what?
Me: I activate the fire ability. "BURN FOR ME!!!!!!"
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swiftmongoose
I think it's time for an intervention from the rest of the party.
Gee, ya think?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycan 01
Okay, who's the fellow with the glasses and yellow hair? I think I recognize the other background NPC from previous artworks found in forsaken and esoteric GitP threads.
Also, love the expression's on Fir.
It's a cameo! The girl is me and the guy is a friend of mine! And thanks!
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lix Lorn
Wow. You should go listen to some Linkin Park to cheer up.
...or to Eleanor Rigby. Hooray for totally depressing awesome music!
I'd have taken up your advice here, Lix, but I got distracted picking up this rice in this church where a wedding had been. Not really sure why....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asta Kask
Remember, sobriety is only a 7th level cleric away.
[...]
Neutralize Poison.
Actually, a 5th level Druid would serve as well.
See, I don't play D&D so this thought wouldn't have occurred to me. That's kind of a neat idea, although assuming every D&D spell has an equivelent in Aequar is kind of a dodgy assumption to make. And even then, freak accidents still exist and are still about 70% more probable once extreme alchohol consumption is involved. Things might go downhill to quickly for a spellcaster to step in. [/DOOM]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swiftmongoose
Nah, Tinder's gonna go dragon.
I'm with you there. I don't really see how Tinder getting drunk and thus losing a considerable amount of control over things wouldn't result in a full sized green dragon in a small tavern given the length of time Tinder's spent living alone in the woods in his true form and how poor his arcane abilities seem to be when it comes to his human form.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gicko
Since we are throwing out wild theories that are probably wrong, I’m gunna guess the following:
At some point in the comic it will flash forward to the next morning, bright sunny day, light pouring in through a window, back up a little more, you see Matt fast asleep.
Then the usual "Roll over, find someone in bed with you and scream" thing occurs with Serrin on the other side of the bed.
Whether or not anything actually happened between the two of them is anyone’s guess :P
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swiftmongoose
Mo, Radic in bear form and Lloyd are strong enough to hold one down each, and then there's Tinder helping them.
This made me snigger. Is it so impossible that Radic, Tinder and Lloyd would think that Serrin and Matt are technically adults and that they might even have feelings for each other anyway that drink just brings to the surface? Would they honestly feel they had to use physical force to intervene? (If they had any sense, then yes - yes they would. I have a feeling both parties would regret that come morning time)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gicko
Maybe they were passing out thanks to the drinking contest, so Lloyd, Tinder, and Radic decided to play a prank on them buy putting them in the same bed?
Possibly as revenge for rakeing up such a huge tab and being unable to pay for it.
That would be kind of cute/amusing. Rather mean too though, esp. if they took to long before fessing up that they'd done it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded
And here's that bonus content I was talking about! Remember how I said I'm taking a creative writing class in school right now? Well, what do you think?
Spoiler
Matt never liked elvish girls. Or elves in general, for that matter. People would stare at him whenever he loudly, repeatedly, shouted his distaste for them.
“But why?” they’d ask.
“Because they’re arrogant pricks with their noses in the air who are snooty and think they’re so much better than everyone else and meanwhile they’re sissies in a fight,” he’d snap back.
(And if you asked whether this had anything to do with a certain elf kid beating him in a freerunning contest, he’d hotly deny it and continue to deny it until you walked away or changed the subject.)
So no. Matt hated elves, elf girls included. Arrogant jerks who needed to be put into their place, the lot of them. As if he’d ever consider himself friends with one.
(Except that Serrin was chipper and perky and bubbly and perpetually happy and he’d never seen her arrogant, not even when she displayed her admittedly impressive intellect. Anyone who saw her would conclude that she was the patron saint of sunshine and lollipops or something. And they’d be right.)
And the language! Why the hell did anyone call it the language of love or elegance or some other crap like that? It was just an annoying buzzing. Much better to hear things in good old Common, where at least you understood what was going on. And who needed all those wines anyway? Give Matt a beer or some vodka and he’d be happy. Oh, and did he mention the arrogance? As if they’d ever deign themselves to make contact with “the common folk” or whatever they called it.
(Except that Serrin was laying all over his lap right now, in a way that would be insanely provocative coming from anybody else yet somehow still managed to stay chaste with her. She’s laying in his lap right now, as drunk as drunk can be, and she’s teaching him how to curse in Elvish. Maybe it’s the vodka, maybe it’s the fact that Matt didn’t even know that Serrin even knew these words or what they meant, but even the vilest phrases sounded like music coming from her mouth.)
And as she dragged him out into the middle of the bar and started to dance, sandy ponytail sweeping through the air, Matt figured that it’s probably the alcohol talking, but maybe he can make an exception to his previous claims about elves and elf girls.
Just this once.
...when you asked what we thought I'm hoping me being completely honest won't upset anyone, I've got a sneaking suspicion that in some ways this is the sort of thing one ought to keep to oneself but if you're looking for honest opinions here... I didn't like it.
If that was all I could say about the matter then I would have just held my tongue, but I am aware of a reason or two as to why I didn't like it and I can trace those back to specific sentences and writing techniques so I'll go ahead and give my critique. Please don't let this get to you on a personal level because I wouldn't bother commenting if I didn't believe I was being constructive in my criticism, also plenty of people will disagree with me anyway so there's no reason to take my opinion to heart more than anyone else's!
"critique" (not all mean things in here but I waffle a lot and like most critiques the opinions expressed are mostly rather specific to me, so I've spoilered it since it's fairly boring/ annoying for most folk to sift through, especially if they disagree!)
Spoiler
On a purely subjective level, I didn't like this because it makes Matt, one of my favourite characters, come across as pretty repugnant. That's actually probably an achievement, writing-wise, because I'm generally inclined to like him but this extract is dealing with his racism and racism is ugly. There's obviously (black?) humour involved here but to be honest I didn't really get the benefit of it in this case because the humour stems from the fact that Matt's racism exists largely out of extremely small-minded personal envy of specific individuals and has more to do with self-loathing than it does with rational beliefs about elves - at this specific point in time, that just depresses me really, even with the jokes/ tongue-in-cheek style. So in that sense, there's not necessarily any problem with the writing there, it's just personal preferences etc. have meant that a lot of my reaction to this could be expressed as: unfortunate truths = depressing = do not like piece of writing.
On a more objective level, there's a very specific area of the extract that puts me off, I'll quote it now:
Quote:
Except that Serrin was chipper and perky and bubbly and perpetually happy and he’d never seen her arrogant, not even when she displayed her admittedly impressive intellect. Anyone who saw her would conclude that she was the patron saint of sunshine and lollipops or something. And they’d be right.
This is essentially irrevelent information, but I'm actually taking a Creative Writing course myself at the moment, and I think that's one of the reasons I was able to pinpoint my problem with this piece to this quotation.
One of the most pervasive phrases in Creative Writing courses is this: Show don't Tell.
Like everything else in the world of writing, it's something that should be taken with a pinch of salt, but that's the quickest explanation as to why I disliked the above passage.
Quote:
Serrin was chipper and perky and bubbly and perpetually happy and he'd never seen her arrogant, not even when she displayed her admittedly impressive intellect.
I can totally see your reasoning behind writing that sentence - it sums up quickly the things people love about Serrin, and the piece is dealing with Matt's changing attitude to elves in general through his interractions with Serrin. Personally I don't think that this works in such a brief and isolated piece, and even more personally, I don't think this works for me even having read the comic so far plus commentary.
My reaction to this sentence is very similar to the one I suspect that sarky Matt would have if he hadn't actually met and spent time with Serrin: I read it and I see a list of hyperbolic positives with little or no foundation. I know from the strip that Serrin is chipper and perky - the word choice is unfortunate here though because to me both words are also synonymous with "annoying", I usually only see either used as perjoratives to describe enthusiastic and happy people by people who are grumpy for whatever reason. They're like the negative way to describe positive attributes, and emotionally all that inspires in me is a prediliction to dislike the person being described. I *like* Serrin, but the phrasing makes me think of her as a potential irritant. "Bubbly" is an unfortunate word too given that it's kind of overused and essentially meaningless - "effervescent" would have been a much more original and effective way of saying the same thing, but I guess it's not really a word that Matt would use, so perhaps it's not that ideal. The thing with "bubbly" is that I think it works ok for foodstuffs but is a pathetic adjective when it comes to people - the main place it comes up is in dating ads and the lack of concrete meaning behind it combined with its prevalence in women's dating ads and the specific women who tend to use it in their personal ads has resulted in many guys concluding it's a euphamism for fat - so to me it's a bit of a spin word that I associate with trying to present a negative as a positive (although personally I don't tend to think bubbly = fatty, but there you go).
Next we have
Quote:
and he'd never seen her arrogant
The logician in me realises that this relates to the fact that Matt used to see all elves as arrogant so this statement is significant - the reactionist in me sees this statement and thinks: well that's a real positive, so she's annoying but she's not arrogant; I'd have taken the same amount away if he'd said "and he'd never seen her smack a puppy in the face" - that doesn't make me like her any more, it's just pointing out a bad trait she doesn't happen to exhibit, a bad trait that many, many people don't exhibit, not anything endearing about her specifically. That's probably a kind of catty thing to say, but it can be helpful sometimes for writers to know what their readers are thinking. They don't have to do anything about it though!
And the next bit annoyed me aswell (because I'm ridiculously hard to please)
Quote:
not even when she displayed her admittedly impressive intellect
That bit got to me because it's a problem that I think extends to how I react to Serrin as a character in the comic. I know that Serrin is really smart. You've told me that Serrin is really smart. But I can't think of any examples of when I've seen Serrin display her admittedly impressive intellect. So whenever the subject is raised I get a little bit roll-eyes-ey. I get that this is ought to explain that she has every reason to be arrogant but she isn't but since the claim feels almost unfounded it doesn't really work for me. As far as Serrin's intellect goes, in comic, all I'm coming up with is the fact that she got into the magical university and unfortunately, intellect isn't always the main reason people get admitted into universities - personal connections can also play a part in this, especially in fiction, and Serrin's parents are renowned which means Serrin has to work that extra bit harder to earn credibility as an individually talented person. I realise that she is an individually talented person, and I don't doubt it, but I can't think of an instance in the comic that actually demonstrates that, and I certainly haven't seen any evidence of it in this extract which makes it kind of weak when taken out of context.
So taking that sentence as a whole and coming back to the "show don't tell" guideline - the fact that the two sentences that follow are
Quote:
Anyone who saw her would conclude that she was the patron saint of sunshine and lollipops or something. And they’d be right.
isn't ideal. I've "seen" her and I certainly didn't have that reaction to her and the last mini-sentence smacks of arrogance. To me (and probably not to most people) those two sentence read: this character is really upbeat and fun, and because I've told you that, you think it. That's kind of a hyperbolic explanation of my response, but tone it down a bit and that's how I felt when I read those three sentences, and that's why they didn't work for me.
To some extent I think just about everything I just waffled on is kind of null and void - it's all actually pretty subjective even if I did back it up with reference to a specific literary technique. But I spent quite a while typing all that out, so I'll be danged if I don't go ahead and post it for reactions just to justify the length of time I spent on the rant. You did also alternate between telling paragraphs and showing paragraphs, it just so happens that the tell ones aren't really "my kind of thing".
I thought the "real time" paragraphs were actually mostly pretty good, I'm just better at complaints than I am with praise!
I got the distinct feeling that the cameo was a cameo but I had no clue who was involved. I tend to be like that with cameos for some reason, although I feel slightly better for not getting it seeing as I'd have no non-stalkery reason to have recognised your friend at least.
Edited to add: I managed to completely skip over Fir's expressions the first time I read today's comic. I missed out there!
(That's clearly the real reason the piece of writing wasn't my cup of tea - it needed roughly 300% more Fir. )
__________________
Current avatar by Zefir
Thanks to Teutonic Knight, Kasanip, Oblivion, Dogmantra, Elder Tsofu, araveugnitsuga and Alarra
Last edited by Eleanor_Rigby : 03-18-2011 at 08:39 PM.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by RdMarquis
Oh, I don't know. Lyrical content aside, she could have a lovely singing voice.
Usually, being inebriated at the level she is makes a decent singing voice unlikely.
*edit: oh, and the bonus material: good, Matt is taking the first steps down the road of outgrowing his prejudice. And maybe developing a crush on a pretty girl while he's at it.
__________________
Witty sig here nosey, aren't ya?
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by RdMarquis
Oh, I don't know. Lyrical content aside, she could have a lovely singing voice.
Also, if Serrin and Matt did get married and have kids, would they be Quarter-elves?
Actually, they would be human with slight elven characteristics. If Matt was an elf and they were married, the children would be elves with slight human characteristics.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded
It's a cameo! The girl is me and the guy is a friend of mine! And thanks!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silverraptor
Really, which friend?
My online-detect-sarcasm can be kind of poor at times, but when somebody did suggest the female cameo character was CoffeeIncluded I wondered if the male cameo character might be a real life Silverraptor.... I'm thinking it's somebody else though?
Also, to make up for my weird "critique" on your short, Coffee, here's part one of four of my new fan project.
Spoiler
Scaled down for viewing in the playground. A bigger, clearer version can be found here.
It's very scrappy, I know, but I really wanted to get the pages out there and taking shortcuts with the art is one of the compromises I'll have to make to do that. The other 3 pages have been scripted and boxed out which is more progress than I made with the covercomic I was making - this also has the advantage of slightly more original content. If I manage to publish all four pages then I'll probably clean them up a bit and add shading etc. afterwards, but just now scruffy scruffy is all I have the attention span/spare time for...
Funnily enough the script and layout just about wrote itself
It's worrying enough when Coffee's characters are speaking to her, but when her readers start thinking they're talking to them...? Mildly disconcerting is one way to describe it.
I made a draft file of the whole thing in one sitting a little after LixLorn demanded to see somebody draw a bearded Radic. The project owes a lot to conversation that took place on this thread, will feature all six party members to an extent and is a lot smaller scale than I'm probably making it sound.
Comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated if anyone has 'em, good or bad. A lot of the more glaring art errors are already leaping out at me but feel free to point dodgy stuff out if y'all want and consider it topic-friendly enough.
Edited to Add: I said in my last post that I didn't like the short. That just means parts of it weren't to my tastes - not that I thought it was outright bad or anything close to that.
It's also leading me to speculate we may have a Matt/Serrin/Radic love triangle on the cards. Personally I think Matt and Radic will win out because a)I'm not sure Serrin's even mildly into Matt and would rather see her and Tinder together (possibly because they're both at least part fantasy race and that appeals to me for some bizarre reason?) and b)Radic and Matt both seem kind of keen to get together at some stage. When I say "love triangle" I mean romantically confused Matt, mildly jealous Radic and largely oblivious and then kind of awkward feeling Serrin...
__________________
Current avatar by Zefir
Thanks to Teutonic Knight, Kasanip, Oblivion, Dogmantra, Elder Tsofu, araveugnitsuga and Alarra
Last edited by Eleanor_Rigby : 03-18-2011 at 11:12 PM.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded
It's not Silverraptor. And thank you, Eleanor! This is gonna be great! (Though what happened with your other one?)
The other one's not dead per say but I wasn't really getting a lot out of doing it because my comic making methods have changed too much along the way and I've realised that what I had in mind with it was kind of bigger than I can really manage in the immediate future - it's kind of a pivotal scene and I was getting very hung up on all the inconsistencies that were cropping up. If I get back to it I'll post the results but I think I'm happier writing my own scripts because then I'm not "messing up" someone else's scene - I kept getting in a tizz over things like choreography of the fight working out to what it was in the original and whether the background environments would work with the area of Aequar and all kinds of mess like that. It was going to be five pages long and I'd only really made a start on page 4*. I had a basic plan for page 5 but hadn't completely sorted out the layout yet.
The fancomic is set in an AU so I don't have to spoil my own fun by fretting about getting minutae like local flora and the seasons right. I don't know if there'll be an issue #2 though - the threads have enough speculation/ ridiculous "what if" scenarios for me to probably write a few more but finding time to make the comics is a whole 'nother matter. The idea was they'd pretty much all be set in off-panel time, this one is meant to be set pre-Kylie, in some possibly non-existent window of time between arriving at the Peakanes' and setting off for the conference... it only spans about 10-20 minutes of in-comic time though, unlike comic 24, so it's kind of easy to slot into continuity apart from the fact that the whole scenario's a little too OTT. The premise is kind of like a comic of a deleted scene/outtake that was cut from the real Murphy's Law for being too silly but could almost have taken place. I'm hoping I'll be able to go back and add shading/ effects/ tighter line work but at the moment I'm just a bit too slow for that...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silverraptor
Ya, its not me. First, I don't wear glasses and second, while my hair can turn blond if I'm out in the sun alot, its mostly brown.
Now that I actually think about it I'm pretty sure I've seen a stick figure self portrait of you somewhere on the forums that had brown hair... I'd say it was the gift art Coffee made for you where you're chatting up Saphrin and she... doesn't appreciate it, but I think that featured your avatar rather than you so... Eh.
*Took a look at the page four file and it's actually about 75% done - I just abandoned it because I was having doubts about whether I liked the panel layout. Perhaps I'll finish the cover-comic off for completionism sooner than I was thinking...
__________________
Current avatar by Zefir
Thanks to Teutonic Knight, Kasanip, Oblivion, Dogmantra, Elder Tsofu, araveugnitsuga and Alarra
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eleanor_Rigby
Now that I actually think about it I'm pretty sure I've seen a stick figure self portrait of you somewhere on the forums that had brown hair... I'd say it was the gift art Coffee made for you where you're chatting up Saphrin and she... doesn't appreciate it, but I think that featured your avatar rather than you so... Eh.
That was my avatar that was featured. I did do a self portrait picture of me and her for a birthday comic though.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silverraptor
...
...Er, I mean, of course not... Heh heh...
...
Don't worry, that was pretty much hyperbole. I mean, I remembered the thread title and such, but that's more due to having nothing better to do (I'm unemployed right now) and the fact that how well I remember a thing is inversely proportional to how relevant it is.
*edit: and plus, it's not hard when birthdays were mentioned in context and a simple keyword search "Birthday, Coffeeincluded" gets you there.
__________________
Witty sig here nosey, aren't ya?
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silverraptor
Actually, they would be human with slight elven characteristics. If Matt was an elf and they were married, the children would be elves with slight human characteristics.
Genetics... Don't... work... that... way....
In scenario I, any offspring would have 1/2 of a chance to be human, and 1/2 of a chance to be half-elves. In scenario II, offspring would have 1/2 chance to be elven, and 1/2 of a chance to be half-elven.
[/genetics]
__________________
Please do not call me drak. It irritates me.
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drakonzeta
Genetics... Don't... work... that... way....
In scenario I, any offspring would have 1/2 of a chance to be human, and 1/2 of a chance to be half-elves. In scenario II, offspring would have 1/2 chance to be elven, and 1/2 of a chance to be half-elven.
[/genetics]
Those are real world genetics, perhaps in Aquear it is diffrent.
__________________
Avatar by Ceika
Past Avatars/Iron Chef Trophy:
RSS Feeds: 
Re: Murphy's Law 6: Will we ever stop burning through threads so quickly?
by Recaiden//
And thanks!
