My Horrific Alice in Wonderland RPG

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I'm working on a game called Wonderland, which blends the classic works of Lewis Carrol with Lovecraftian horror, imagery that looks like something out of Hellraiser or Silent Hill, and several concepts from the amazing JAGS Wonderland. It is also heavily influenced by American McGee's Alice and its sequel.

Its system has a core mechanic inspired Grimm RPG, a damage system inspired by Savage Worlds, and several other features based on the mechanics of Basic Roleplaying.

Constructive feedback and criticism are highly appriciated.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

No comments? Why?

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I added a few more pages of content. Still no comments?

[fizzybobnewt]

Possibly everyone assumes your sig still links to the Stain.

[C'nor]

It sounds like a nice setting, and one I'd like to play in. Would you have any interest in GMing a game of this on here?

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by C'nor

It sounds like a nice setting, and one I'd like to play in. Would you have any interest in GMing a game of this on here?

I would love to, once I finish the game. If you want to play, I reccomend you don't read it.

[C'nor]

Yep. I stopped at the point marked 'GMs only', though I did read enough to make a character.

One small nitpick, though: Why is it that Multi-Tasker is limited to female characters?

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by C'nor

One small nitpick, though: Why is it that Multi-Tasker is limited to female characters?

Because, in my experience, women are much better multi-taskers.

[C'nor]

Perhaps make it take an extra slot? Most women may be better multi-taskers, but it probably shouldn't completely exclude the possibility that a man might also be one.

That said, it's your game, and the point is moot in my case anyway, as my character is female, but she doesn't have it in favor of others.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by C'nor

Perhaps make it take an extra slot? Most women may be better multi-taskers, but it probably shouldn't completely exclude the possibility that a man might also be one.

I'll do that. Probably in a few hours though, because my school's Wi-Fi blocks Google Docs for some reason. Actually, I'm surprised it doesn't block this. I'm not technically allowed to be doing anything but research right now.

[C'nor]

Probably they didn't want to set it up so that everything has to be whitelisted before you can use it, as that could cause problems with valid research sites they missed, and they haven't needed to add this to the blacklist.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I've been getting a lot of work done on this, and a my associate has been doing a lot of sketching. I'm also working on a logo. Was thinking about setting the game apart from its "parent" by making the default setting Victorian England.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I added a bunch of point-form notes at the end, which I will later turn into nice, readable paragraphs. Why am I not getting more comments?

[C'nor]

You'd be getting more from me, but you warned me off reading past the character creation rules if I want to play.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by C'nor

You'd be getting more from me, but you warned me off reading past the character creation rules if I want to play.

Alright. How do you feel about the Victorian London thing?

[Othesemo]

Just a thought- you may want to proofread this quite a bit. For example, you state, and I quote "Wisdom represents willpower, common sense, observation skills, common sense, and deeper understanding."

[Kuma Kode]

Originally Posted by C'nor

Perhaps make it take an extra slot? Most women may be better multi-taskers, but it probably shouldn't completely exclude the possibility that a man might also be one.

That said, it's your game, and the point is moot in my case anyway, as my character is female, but she doesn't have it in favor of others.

Yeah, it sticks out like a sore thumb. No other perk or quirk is gender-locked, and it really doesn't make sense for it to be. Sure, statistically speaking women are generally better at multi-tasking, but men are also generally more athletic, but I don't see that perk being gender-locked.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Near the front of the book, I wrote an introductory story, which it is safe for players to read.

Also, Cody (who was doing art) has left the project for personal reasons. I am looking for a new artist.

[C'nor]

I'll read over it when I'm on a computer that will view google docs again. Expect comments soonish.

[Iceforge]

Firstly, I got to throw myself in with the others in the talk about the multi-tasker perk.

Making it restricted to female characters only is discriminating in nature.

I know a general rule of thumb in society and specially in roleplaying games, is that discrimination is "sort of okay" as long as it goes towards men.

That doesn't make it the right thing to do, however, men can be excellent multi-taskers, unless you want to argue or insinuate that men cannot be multi-taskers, you should remove the restriction.

Now, reading through character generation:

Step 1:

Spoiler

How important are concepts to the gameplay?
I imagine they are very important, seeing how this game seems to build on horror, in which a more fleshed out character really becomes important.

However, the concept part of character creation does not reflect this; It simply tells the player to make up a concept and think about who they are, but gives no reward or incentives for doing so well.

Now, I don't have a suggestion on what to do right now (honestly, just reading character generation for now, would have to read it more throughoutly to make functional suggestions), but with some sort of reward for doing an interesting concept that is well fleshed out would be a bonus to the game in my opinion

Step 2:

Spoiler

I like the layout of this section, each statistic having first what it represents, then what it is usefull for, and then examples of someone with 2 and someone with 7 in the statistic.

Except the already double mention of common sense under Wisdom, I see no problems with this section.

Step 3:

Spoiler

Looks good, I would consider removing the "also" from "also rounded down" after the speed calculation.
It just seems more like someone speaking to you then an instruction, when you include the "also"

Step 4:

Spoiler

Why do you suddenly switch from "you" to "they" under Rich?
It seems very out of place and makes the section harder to read.
See start of this post for my view on multi-tasker
Maybe sort this section in some way, like alphabetically, so it is easier to find a specific perk, or sort them into physical, social and mental perks, or both.

Step 5:

Spoiler

Does Nonathletic have any mechanical influence?'
See Step 4 for my views on sorting this section as well

Step 6:

Spoiler

Should handguns be dealing (2 x the dexterity check to hit), which is what it is currently saying, or should they deal (2 x (Dexterity check to hit - targets dexterity)).
As it is written now, someone with a high dexterity is hit less, but any hit is a massive one.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Is anyone interested in doing art for the project? I can't draw very well at all, and the current artist quit.

[Kurtmuran]

Originally Posted by Twilight Muse

Is anyone interested in doing art for the project? I can't draw very well at all, and the current artist quit.

im interested in your project couse i want to made a special game for the halloween days but no one enter to it also i can draw

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by Kurtmuran

im interested in your project couse i want to made a special game for the halloween days but no one enter to it also i can draw

Huh? I think you said you are interested in doing art. Could you please show me some of your drawings?

[Leliel]

Just a bump, so Muse isn't discouraged. I like JAGS Wonderland, and this seems an interesting spin.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by Leliel

Just a bump, so Muse isn't discouraged. I like JAGS Wonderland, and this seems an interesting spin.

Sorry I haven't been doing much work on the game lately. I've been busy with school, and I'm making a website for something. I should get back on track soon.

[TSED]

Originally Posted by Twilight Muse

Alright. How do you feel about the Victorian London thing?

Maaaan, I hate Victorian London. Mostly I hate everything about the victorian era, and London was the cultural capital of the world, soooo... Yeah. Why do people like anything about it, anyway?

*I recognize that I am an outlyer and you may not wish to change your game around one strange person from the internet.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I just added quite a lot of content, and am probably adding more as you read this. Check it out. You can watch me write in real-time if you're lucky.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

I added some more stuff. I really hope people are still interested. I'm staring to lose hope.

[C'nor]

I am, but I'm still on a computer that won't access google docs.

[Chainsaw Hobbit]

Originally Posted by C'nor

I am, but I'm still on a computer that won't access google docs.

Have you tried using a different browser?