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So, I've seen some other campaign journals around, and I'd been encouraged to make one for my new game. This journal may be filled with occasional references to pop culture, including but not limited to: Movies I've never seen, movies I pretend I've never seen, My Little Pony, my own mind, and something else that starts with M. There maybe lethal amounts of puns. I just don't know... So let's find out, shall we?
First, a basis for this rather unique game:
It's a solo Gestalt, starting at level 14. The classes are DeAnno's Beast and Seraph's Brawler.
Gruek is a half-ogre with a slightly undetermined but copious backstory involving a Balor Paladin, the rather unknown ability to summon a horde of demons (but only for the apocalypse!), and a friendly school for mutants who are being hunted by society rebellious prodigies.
Also in his repetoire is the ability to withstand freakish amounts of damage, due to: DR/Dodge Bonuses/2d8+BoostedConPerLevel/a few other things.
Also, campaign setting info for those interested:
Spoiler
The world of Vengar is many millenia old, aged and ripened in conflict. Its earliest years were a long series of back and forth sieges by the Celestial and Demonic forces. Around three thousand years before this story takes place, was one of the most important moments in Vengarian history: the wars of Hell. Using manipulation of Devils and Demons, the angels assaulted the planes of Hell in a blitzkrieg of lightning-fast attacks; clearing out several dozen levels before anyone noticed a difference.
From there on, it was a steady slog. The angels had developed their tactics, and were ready to use ever-growing firepower and the strength of the people who were oppressed by the constant warfare.
In the end, it fell on a Balor Paladin, named Zerkahn, to try and destroy Asmodeous and the last remnants of the now-allied demons and devils. He went in alone, and succeeded in using a void of nonexistence to destroy Asmodeous and most of the devils.
In the process, he, too, fell into the chasm, and his soul was liberated to move on to heaven. However, one oath still remained, and it was passed on to the soul whom he loved most in life, the young boy he'd found and mentored. Gruek.
Right now, the world is very Celestial-heavy, high magic, and technological. TV's (Scrying balls focused on a Major Image) and cameras (custom items of arcane mark) adorn the landscape for the rich.
All gods are basically deity level 0, and don't actually provide spells. That's only done by the Weave (which is tied to both Arcane and Divine magic), or the God. Nevertheless, there are some who worship them anyway.
So, it's one on one: me and the player. We run it a lot more collab than most games; he suggests something, I think about it in addition to what I'm already thinking about. For us, it's a goal of creating an epic story, one which will become part of the legend of this campaign setting for all my other players. The story's supposed to emulate a superhero tale, in a very fantasy world, which I think will come out fairly well. Collaboration works out nicely, and I think the story's worked out rather awesomely too (so far). But let's let you be the judge of that, random citizen!
Session 1: "How to Be Awesome in Three Steps"
Spoiler
Part 1: Improvised DM-ery
Spoiler
So, first session is a cold open. Gruek is standing in a gateway of a beleaguered mountain fort, holding up a portcullis. On the other side of the moat, two dozen archers and gunmen are shooting at him. Fun way to start a campaign, am I right?
So, the attackers (a faction called the Bloodriders) are shooting at him. All twenty of them. And they all miss... except one guy, who got a critical, which dealt a total of 3 damage once it got past everything. Needless to say, Gruek was quite in pain after such a blow, and could barely keep up the portcullis.
So, he taunted them. He's yelling about how ineffective they are, and it's getting to these guys. They decide to run away, when, out of nowhere, appear some druids. The druids are chanting, yelling something about "VENGEANCE FOR DESTRUCTION!" and generally showing all the signs of being cultists. Oh, and, the moat's closing up.
It's at this point that Gruek notices something: why is he holding up the portcullis, when these guys are carrying ladders? (Now, in case you were wondering, it's not entirely the player's fault. I ditched him there to start with). So, he begins to think about how to guard the gate AND the wall at the same time.
The druids are closing in, and rallying the archers behind them. The ladders begin to go up against the wall. So, the player pauses. I'm waiting for a moment. Silence. Then he asks me, "Can I shake the wall?"
These are the moments I LIVE FOR in DMing. The totally out-of-farther-left-than-left-field hit. The, "Oh. That's why you don't railroad," feeling that makes me happy. So, I grab my books (make that SRD. I'm too cheap to actually own books), and type into the search engine "what's the strength check to rip a five-foot thick solid stone wall out of the ground?". Never thought I'd ever need to search for that...
Naturally, I don't find anything, so I settle for the strength check for breaking such a wall; 35. Player. Makes. it.
So, now, Gruek's got himself a ten by ten chunk of wall he's carrying on his shoulders, and all the ladders have been knocked off the walls. He's not exactly sure what he can do with it, and neither am I. Seriously, have you tried to understand the oversized weapons rules in Pathfinder? And what size would you register something that's 4 tons of solid built stone, anyway?
All the archers disappear like the last Justin Bieber CD on Black Friday, but the Druids stay long enough to make a disparaging comment about Gruek's chances of success, striking a pose against the moon, and jumping through a portal.
So, the ogre stands the wall back upright, walks under, and shrugs off a critical hit like it's nothing. After the standard "you have saved our lives, we are eternally grateful" speech, Gruek decides to skip town, and his wizard mentor (the other other white mentor! Not to be confused with the Balor Paladin Zerkahn) shows up, and portals him back to the top secret training school correctional school, saying there's been an accident with the Chem lab.
Part 2: Donald Trump's Lucky Day, or, All Fired Up
Spoiler
They run over to the Portico of Magic (because I just couldn't say "Magic Class..."), and see that there's a fire elemental inside. Gruek punches the trash out of the thing in one round, taking it halfway to dead on his lonesome.
Then, the elemental decides to intimidating him, and starts roaring and yelling, "MOOOOOOOOOORTAL!" at him. It works, surprisingly. So what does the shaken Gruek do? He intimidates it right back.
So, the elemental intimidates HIM back.
Insert witty wordplay.
The elemental's annoyed that this mere MOOOOOOOOOOORTAL is neighsaying him, and starts raging and destroying the room. Gruek just kind of stands around, spinning and taunting. By this point, the elemental's wondering why Gruek isn't even burnt (Fire immunity! Oh how beautiful you are!), so it decides to grow to full height, and break the roof and walls out. They're still just intimidating each other, until the the ogre pushes the fireball over the edge.
See, the player was eager to see what the plane of fire was like, so he was taunting this thing to the breaking point, so he could go in. Yells at it, "I beat your whole kind couldn't touch me!" So, the elemental kicks him into the Plane of Fire, expecting him to roast.
WUT. He doesn't? Elemental is confused, and kind of creeps around. The other elementals in the plane are raging at the newcomer, and start to attack.
Gruek's just chilling in the center, swimming around, paying not a lick of attention. Let's just recap, and let me say that again.
1. He has chased an angry summoned fire elemental who broke free of its summons.
2. He is in the elemental Plane of Fire.
3. Hundreds of Fire Elementals are about to attack him. Including one that is several hundred feet tall.
4. He is STILL taunting this thing.
It was, needless to say... AWESOME. The Elemental, realizing that Gruek is still not scared of him, decides that the kid's butch, and tells him they should hang out. Gruek: "Agreed. But hanging out will have to wait..." He wants to get back and check on the facility.
So, the elemental (Name: Titan Pyre. Nickname: Argus. Not sure how it happened, really...) says to come on back whenever, and Gruek walks out back into the classroom.
Think about Archimedes for a moment. If you know the story behind "Eureka!" then you know what happens next. See, while Gruek is completely and utterly fireproof... his clothes? Aren't. So he's standing there in his birthday suit, in front of a bunch of the Magic students. Awkwaaaaaard.......
Session 2: "Chillin' like a... Villain Balor-Paladin Paragon-of-Good Rolemodel?"
Spoiler
Session 2 was mostly Roleplay, and a trying to scope out a "normal day" for Gruek.
So, the session picks up again with Gruek returning back to his home school. He's not actually *going* to it anymore, he's kind of like the giant mascot that wanders the grounds and generally helps people.
When Gruek gets home, he arrives in the office of his second mentor, a man who apparently forgot his own name, and is now only called "The Professor." "The Professor" tells Gruek that he needs a job should consider his image.
The Half-Ogre is confused (as I possibly was...) as to what this means, so the Prof. elaborates. Basically, they need something for people to think of when they see Gruek (other than, y'know, Gruek.).
The Prof asks who the Ogre's hero is. The player completely reverses what I'd expect to happen, and pulls out an extremely dramatic moment, dedicating Gruek to Zerkahn, the previous mentor (and the guy who unwittingly cursed him with being the doom of the world, but, that's a story for a later chapter!), and saying that Zerkahn, the Balor-Paladin, and his change of heart, along with the zeal following it, as the prime example of heroism.
We also learn that the badass paradox paladin saved the world, not once, not twice, but in three easy payments of 19.99! three times! [Good grief, those strike tags are getting good use!]
So, the Prof tells Gruek he needs to act like Gruek, and to show people how to be like him. Basically, the half-ogre needs to be a shining role model of perfect celestial perfectness.
After getting a little reading material on the most recent stars, Gruek is sent to take a shower (can drink raw lava, but sweats on the elemental Plane of Fire, in a mere 12,000 Farenheit? Lame. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!).
After Gruek impresses some small boys (Seriously? Bragging about staring down a three-hundred-foot living emblem of destructive power? I need to talk to my player, methinks, about that raging pride....) with his awesomeness on accident, takes his shower, getting rid of all of his sweat.
Then he goes to the volcano for a little sauna time.
Think about that for a moment, while I grab a few more notes...
You thought about it? Good. So, Gruek's chillin' in the lava, flips off a local ('cause the inside of a desert volcano is just brimmin' with the nightlife) who doesn't believe he talked to Argus/TitanPyre. Leaving the unbelieber, he moves on to his one actual duty in the day: Portico of War.
After a few botched attempts at attack, he gets overwhelmed by kids beating him ruthlessly like a tied-up goat. [We actually waived combat rolls, as even giving them a set number to hit would have resulted in some pretty hilarious misses.]
Whilst they're in the middle of this, Gruek is called away to meet a mysterious Drow named Torrim Redara. And, by mysterious, I mean a complete scumbag in a diplomat's uniform... and not even in uniform. He's wearing wierd Underdark swag, making him an odd representative for commercial interests. Turns out, he's there because Gruek wrecked one of the biggest commercial districts on the western continent (which just happened to deal in illegal and blackmarket trades...).
After some vaguely threatening language, Torrim drops a spiel, and disappears by what is quickly growing to be the ubiquitous method of travel: the portal. [Seriously, self. Think of a new way to travel, already! There's got to be something better than a blue-to-red circle sitting in the sky!]
Session 3: Plot... *POINT!*
Spoiler
So, this session was really short, looking back at it, but moderately important. We started after the salesman/politician/Drow how had left, and moved forward in real-time.
Turns out that the Prof actually does work to support the school (it doesn't just exist without any form or tuition or on government grants or anything like that... to think of it!), and he has a contract with the Cellanese gov't for a big hunk of glass.
He asks Gruek to grab it and chuck it in the plane of fire for testing. Gruek obliges (making sure to grab some fireproof clothes first!), and dumps the large piece of glass (which I was tempted to call Tom) on a hunk of lava.
Player sees another Emperor Elemental (I had to make something bigger than Elder for TitanPyre/Argus, so... Emperor!), decides to try and egg it on. Luckily, this one is wise enough to notice that Gruek is standing in fire, and probably isn't scared of it. They talk for a moment, until BOOM! Faster than you can say "Holy Plot Revelation, Batman!", there appears a message in the glass... "We are here... we are watching."
Argus completely flips out, and expects the thing to blow up in his face. That would be a nasty hair day. So, they try to break it, to no avail. Magically reinforced, designed to withstand just about anything.
Just as they're freaking out even more, the floor opens up, and Gruek falls through. BOOM! Scene change.
He arrives in the middle of laughter... and bullets. Apparently an insane and massively overpowered freak has broken out of prison (don't they always....) and is rampaging throughout town. Player runs forward, ignores the handily placed cart, and rips off the door to the tower, and chucks the thing at the monster.
The monster (which is tentacly and shadowy, oh my!) slaps him around a bit, takes some heavy hits, and they engage in a lot of banter. The eldritch horror escapee claims to be in the right, as a victim, but it doesn't fly.
When it does, it yells about taking back the night, and being ruler of the night... yeah. Totally not a ripoff of a popular show. NOPE!
Gruek slaps down my gestalted tank/Pony eldritch horror in a matter of rounds, and it runs fast to avoid anything further. A random soldier in the background breaks the fourth wall. I need to bring him back, methinks...
The Prof says that it'd be a good archenemy for Gruek, and they head off into the sunset another flipping portal.
Session 4: Cliches and Coolness, or, Why they need PCs to do everything
Spoiler
So, continuing immediately from where we left off, the Prof and Gruek teleport back to the library.
Arman, the gnome, is doing some shady stuffs with the Prof's fat lootz (Books! Books! Books! I had a joke to write here, I swear it!), and asks for a book on Dangerous Planes. The prof doesn't care, and starts to talk to Gruek. BOOOOOMITY BOOM! The great hero is already getting some fanmail!
Dozens of sendings all explode into the room at once, yelling over each other like people bidding on Justin Bieber's baby teeth. After a moment, things get dangerous: Gruek is so proud, his chest might burst (remember, he has a problem with keeping his clothes on!) from pride. He's kicking it good, and then, oh, then, the vicious, cut-throat, blood-sucking parasites show up. No, wait, the reporters show up. But I repeat myself.
So, we've got a ton of yelling reporters, and Gruek takes a metaphysical arrow to the knee, tearing his whole soul open straight out. In the process, though, he gets a cool name, Bulwark, Protector of Society out of the whole deal.
After a few random and probing questions, the Prof sends all the reporters packing, and asks Gruek a passing question about where he set down the glass.
Gruek: WUT.
Prof... WUT...?
Gruek: NOOOOOOOO
Turns out, it was left back IN THE PLANE OF FIRE. Mind you, this was a top-secret special project for the government.
Oh, and, it also turns out that the first thing they need to do is... totally ignore the problem. [GM Self hate= I have no idea what on earth I was doing... game went off on a tangent. Note to self: get addicted to Ritalin before every session.]
So, they decide to teleport, and the administrative assistant, Arman, decides to fudge it up a little, and breaks the mage's concentration DURING the teleport.
They wind up 80 feet above the ground, in free fall... Fun times. Once on the ground, they see an arcane sigil carved into the ground. Thousands, actually, as part of the magical protection of the city, litter the walkway and apparently do not suffer erosion. They see 7 names carved up on the arch, including Zerkahn's. Gruek engages in some deep hero-worship, drools over the carving, and walks into the city for some PR work with the government.
Turns out, luckily enough, that breathing underwater and being freakishly strong is pretty marketable, and he has a mission in 10 seconds flat no time at all. They're going to be exploring one of the sights of Zerkahn's feats.
See, the Demon-Paladin was just chillin, when this entire flipping continent decided to try out floating in the deep end of the pool, and failed. (Seriously? Who can actually float in water? I can't...) So, Zerkahn, being the ultimate in badass, swims underneath, and stands there.
You read that right. HE STANDS THERE. Oh, did I mention he's holding up the entire flipping continent? AND STILL FLOATING. I don't know which is more amazing, honestly. So, Zerkahn, back in time, saved everyone, and then had to let the city drop down into the depths.
The mission for Gruek today is to go down in there and explore a gigantic, multi-millenia old inverted stone structure that is hundreds of feet below water. Oh, and there are only five people. That seems intelligent to me... (if they were PCs, it'd obviously be a different matter)
So, he meets the gang (nobody important, honestly, except the mysteriously unnamed Captain.), and they dive. The mega-door that was the problem for so many other would-be explorers is no match for the unparalleled epicness of GRUEK! He rips it up with ease! After a few Aid Another checks from unnamed sources, that is...
So, they get in... and Room 1=boss fight, apparently, by my logic. A heap of skellies are waiting there, and knock everybody out. Everyone gets teleported into the middle of the building, and are tied up.
They meet Cliche Mc. Lichepants, an evil lich wizard who doesn't have a name.
After they teleport in, it's time for da fat lootz of roleplay: banter! The lich opens up with some cool plot revelation: he stole the glass (apparently from the Plane of Fire), and it's sitting around. He's just chillin, waiting for something, apparently. Gruek makes a comment.
This is the point where I must have had a bad song on my playlist, 'cause I started murdering stuff. Lich goes over, and pulls off the air filter of the captain, and begins to fight. After a few punches miss, the lich just starts Ennervating the hay out of him, leaving the half-ogre at -7 to every check.
Do you know what happens? GRUEK IS EPIC, that's what. Player is hating me for slamming him with two empowered Ennervations in a row (it was what's on the sheet....), but doesn't stop. The Lich tries to disentegrate, and Gruek just sticks his chest out, spits a one liner out, and lets the pesky fly bounce off of his epically ripped manliness.
Unfortunately enough for the history of music, no bards were present at the battle to record how INTENSELY AWESOME it was to watch the Lich try to ham up a win, again, and again, and fail. Every. Time.
After a few rounds of pounding, the lich decides telling the entire secret of his plan to Gruek in true trope fashion isn't as important as his life, and vamooses, leaving everyone behind to wake up and swim to the surface.
The Captain, when he wakes up, grabs his rage face and starts yelling about knowing what's happening. So, Gruek follows the guy down into the Vault, and the session ends when the Captain opens the Vault's mysterious door.
DUN DUN DUN!!!!
What happens next? Find out by clicking the next spoiler!
Session 4.5: No, really, it's a Session! or, Ow. That had to HURT. No, really.
Spoiler
HA HA!
After the dramatic opening, we realize how idiotically foolish this captain is. He's opening the door to the Plane of Damnation.
Let's talk about the Plane of Damnation? Now, imagine the worst, most cliched day you could possibly had. You get in a car crash, which kills your dog. The death of your dog kills the rest of your family. You are paralzyed for life. Then, they announce that they've cancelled season 3 of My Little Pony.
Comparing such a day to the Plane of Damnation would be the equivalent of comparing Heaven to Hell, IE: you don't want to touch it with your great-great-great-grandaddy's acquantance's stolen 10 foot pole. It's a constant damage of around 800 (fluctuating to far greater), bypassing any and all resistances instantly. You are breathing lava and acid at the same time. Your body is being physically ripped apart and put back together infinitely: the plane never lets anyone die. It's eternal torture... eternally.
And some dude... in the army... is in the vault, and opens the door to this plane.
Seems legit.
So, the door opens, and with the strength of a thousand railroads, Gruek feels himself being drawn towards it. Behind him, a desk rips out and flies through the door. It is immediately torn to molecular ribbons. OH. YES.
When the Captain moves to the door, however, Gruek really steps up. The Captain is hell-bent (heh heh.. Pun-pun) on going through the door, but the half-ogre isn't going to let anyone who isn't massively tough do that. He jumps forward and throws the dude back into the room, and walks into the Plane of Damnation.
Yeah. It worked out about like you think.
After a moment of just sitting there, the most exquisite pain tears through his entire body. Even Gruek's superhuman durability is almost nothing, and then.. then.... He hears a voice.
Someone's talking to him, asks what's goin' down. Not in so many words, of course. Each word the voice speaks it torn in pain: evidently it's someone resident to the plane.
After a terrifically short conversation, Gruek's mind is flipping a little, and the entity throws him outside the plane back on the vault floor.
When he hits the marble, he gains.. a new memory. One of Zerkahn's.
Cue cutscene.
Due to the looooonnnnnnggg amount of time the scene took and because it's not technically part of the main story, I've taken the transcript of that from the session (with some copy edits), and the DeviantArt Link is here, should you wish to look in on it.
When Gruek wakes up, he realize that reliving this new memory only took a few seconds. He also realizes he's in the middle of brawl, but that's not important right now.
The Captain is being arrested for endangering the entire fabric of the Prime Material Plane, and hauled off. The man who guards (Guards! Ha!) the Vault, aptly named the Keeper, says the classic "I KNOW NOTHIIIIIIING!" and the sensible question is brought up: why they hay do they even have a portal down there to a Plane reserved for the unspeakably evil?
Turns out, there have been other people who went into the Plane and came out (Zerkahn, for one), and when they do, they have some sort of higher knowledge given to them. This appears to be Zerkahn's memory. Not that the player doesn't read this thread, but, I'll give a spoiler about that memory and the knowledge.. WAIT! THERE'S MORE! That's all I'm saying.
The Prof appears out of nowhere, flipping out the Keeper. Gruek asks how the Professor knew about it so quickly, and the good scholar said:
"You opened the gate to the most magically-powered Plane in existence.
...
...
"It also has nothing to do whatsoever with any sort of tagging system on you."
Gruek's terribad Sense Motive left this one as plausible, and so they started to leave. The Keeper stops them by *almost* saying the Professor's name. (I swear, he does have one!) Cue "EAT THE RAINBOW, FOO!!!" Turns out they knew each other from way back.
Before I can do anything other than drop a Chekov's Gun, Gruek and the Prof teleport (Hey, better than a portal, right?).
Session 5: This is why I can't have good things, or, WHY DID I JUST TELL HIM THE ENTIRE PLOT?
Spoiler
So... this is the point at which I mention how little I prepare for sessions. You see, normally, I figure out who and what's going to be there (IE, main characters/villains), and what they have done since their last meeting... I don't ever really prepare enemies or any of that stuff. This was one time where being that unprepared... well... set me up for what was in a sense failure.
In another sense, it was epic.
Well, without further ado (which IS further ado, ironically enough...), here we go.
They teleport in from the vault, and Gruek immediately notices something's wrong. After checking around for a little bit, they notice the (un)obvious: there's a new book on the shelf.
Arman, the researcher gnome, grabs it off of the shelf, and opens it.
The book is actually a hollow compartment, which contains a gun, which looks more or less similar to a Desert Eagle. I drop a couple of obvious hints about it being mega evil. Player responds accordingly.
Prof is despondent: his pretty wards didn't stop whoever put it here! He's a FAILURE as a wizard! How could he be so... incompetent? Of course, not even Gruek was at liberty to tell him of the truth of the fourth wall and the power of plot, so, he was stuck that way. In another moment, though (in another moment, I'll have noticed that that's one of my most used phrases!), The professor realizes something.
The gun isn't cursed... it's summoned. By Gruek. After cursing out (heh... my dime-store curses, that is... Derp self!) Arman, he turns to Gruek. Goes.. "Hey, dude... this be demon stuff. Want some?"
Gruek thinks for a moment. "How do you know it's demonic?" He asks the obvious question. The Prof throws a spell on the gun, along with a lame excuse about it being in red. For being the most epic man (ogre?) who ever lived, Gruek sure needs more points in Sense Motive... then again, it does help.
In another moment (See? Told ya it was a phrase of mine... for fun, see how many times I said it in the archives, and I'll give you a cookie!).... we learn something about the gun. It doesn't like being messed with. The Prof gets zapped and tortured like Count Rugen could never have imagined, and realizes that casting a spell on the thing was a BAD idea. Y'think?
The Prof puts it back in its booxk (book/box... I like it this way. Whaddaya think? Should I patent it and sell it alongside teleporking?), and stuffs that on a shelf.
In accordance with the player's long-term machinations, Gruek is a badass. Oh, right, you already knew that. I mean.. um... Gruek grabs the professor and asks to go the Abyssal planes. Prof agrees, and after some prerequisite snarking, gets him a few magical safety nets.
The half-ogre is ported in (or porked? Hm.. it's a change at least.), and hits the ground. Only, it's not ground... it's some form of strange chitin-y substance, which cracks and spouts flames.
As he moves across the barren landscape, his awesomeness (also known as his retina) detects moving shadows... He is not alone. And this barren and uninhabited plane... has quite a few people on it. There are even portals popping open in the distance.
After a few minutes, an enormous pile of bones and chitin forms a sort of semi-natural and all freaky cliff. Gruek hesitates not, and just jumps on, climbing up like some sort of gigantic hyper-monkey who could take planes in his hands and... IDEAAAA! Or... maybe not. Best not.
Once on top of his perch (about three hundred feet up), he looks around. There are quite a few people in sight, a few hundred at least. Satisfied with this, he jumps.
Let me say that again: he jumps.
HOH YES. He falls off a goodly skyscraper, all the way to the desecrated bottom of the damned plane, lands perfectly, and stands up. He decides to sit there for a minute to catch his breath... cause he just walked off a fall that would kill almost any character his level with ease.
FOR FUN.
So, he decides to set off after one of those shadows in the mist, and begins to set off in chase. He catches one, and introduces himself.
The demon starts cackling maniacally, thinking him an idiot outsider who just revealed his truename. HA! Gruek the epic needs no such foolery!
Player asks me if he can use intimidate. I agree, realizing that the demon he's up against has a DC of less than 20.
He rolls a 49.
He beats the DC by so much, the demon is actually unmade by the power of his intimidating shout... in hindsight, I should have had at least FUS! to give it that bit of oomph, but, you know... it was improv, right? The demon just had its very essence unmade because of being just that overawed by the appearance of a Demon-blessed Paragon. Nothin' big. Not for GRUEK, anyway.
He leaves the shambling wreck of a soul floating away, and finds his buddy from the Plane of Damnation... kind of. It's really just eight balls of light with his voice attached, but, y'know, magic.
Gruek decides to follow this guy back to his house to learn about demons and stuff (Seems legit, am I right?).
THIS is where I start loosing a grip on story pacing.
Guy starts out by explaining about truenames and how they work. Then, says why each demon needs one: a blood oath to Asmodeous. Turns out even Zerkahn had to swear one, and couldn't get rid of it. Turns out, further, that when Zerkahn tumbled into a void of nonexistence, that meant that his oath was passed on to someone else... permanently. Cue Gruek's oldest, oldest, ancestor, who was slapped with the curse.
Gruek goes all rage-face with that news he's still bound to Asmodeous. However, he isn't *quite.* He's charged with one of Asmodeous' missions. What's that? Oh, nothing much... just bringing in the apocalypse and destroying the world. Full. Stop.
Turns out that's his destiny. That's why he has such tremendous strength.
Also, you know which person in his line is to take up that destiny and actually fulfill the apocalypse (since every one of Gruek's many ancestors since Zerkhan is going to have that same destiny)? Whoever can summon this thing. Gruek summoned the gun, which is what he's going to use to consumate and unravel the world.
The gun, too, is important, but even the powerful super-demon doesn't know how... speaking of which, how does this guy know so much?
BOOM! With suspiciously uncanny timing, a portal shows up, and before Gruek can ask any decent questions, the Prof rips him back to the Prime Material.
When he does, they decide that the gun needs a hiding place. So, they put it back in the booxk (I really like it! You sure you hate it... urm.. how much? Scale of 1-10?).
The Professor finds an excuse to get rid of Gruek, and turns to read the title.
DUN DUN DUN! What is the title? Why is the book there? How does everyone know so much? How come Sam couldn't think of a good pun to add to this title?
Find out the answers to all of these questions... many sessions down the line.
Now that I think about it, I didn't reveal *too* too much. It was about time we got some plot, anyway.
I just now realized my propensity for continuity direct: I pick up each session moments after the last one ended. Huh.
So, when we last left our hero, he was going to his mild-mannered day job teaching kids how to be as awesome at him at beating things upside the head. After walking into the Portico of War, he realizes the large arena is vacant. In fact, the entire school is doing a Silent Hill, and no one is there... stuff is blowing over the stone, all sorts of random quick-accumulating post-apocalyptic trash is around.
Gruek walks back to the Prof, asking him what's going on. They go back to the Portico, to prove it, and there are most certainly no people there.
Turns out it's a common holiday I forgot to mention called National's Day, somewhat similar to America's Fourth of July, only more... duel-heavy and inebriated.
The prof decides that they should make a public appearance, and Gruek is cool with it. But, in a stunning show of how terrible his Wisdom score is, the Prof decides to pull out the demon-gun and hand it to Gruek (careful to use a mage hand this time!).
Apparently, this thing has a ton of abilities, and oen of them is a plot-portal. Wherever Gruek is *supposed* to be, he touches it, and there he is. Did I just do that? Yeah. Lazy DM me, I suppose, but... it is going to be reallllllly helpful, should Gruek want to use it. Which he doesn't have to. Just... um... saying.
Anyway, the Prof assumes that this will take them to a parade. Silly Professor, you can't see the plot, can you? You need to talk to Professor Who over there a little more, methinks.
Well, to cut it short, they find themselves not in a parade, but underwater. Oh, oh, yes. They are back in that underwater-themed dungeon of the Clich' king. To make it even better, the gang is there too: short the Captain, of course.
Just then, I point out something interesting: he knows... two people's names. In the whole entire flipping world, he knows the names of two living people whom he's met. (Four counting Torrim Redarra, the Drow from Session 2, and James, the boy) Really, self? I excuse it in typical fashion, as a plot point (no, really, it was! Do you believe me...?) to be revealed later. Then, to make it more believeable, I tie it back to that whole Truename business: even knowing a mortal's name is enough to power divinations and such, making it a crucial piece of information at all times.
Anyway, he doesn't know the names of this strike team (I ingeniously named them "Dwarf," "Mage," and "Other people in room."), and they are now approaching a totally innocent 10 by 10 corridor. That's a hundred feet long. With stones sticking up. Tottttttaally not trapped.
So, they begin to walk down, and Gruek decides he's going to do things traditionally: He floats down, and begins to set off traps. The others are far ahead, in the next room, and he can take it.
Did I just say that? Let me repeat, as I always do. HE JUST PURPOSELY SET OFF TRAPS. For. The. Lulz. So, the traps go off... and he just walks past them. Oh, a spear or two grazes him, but it's like a small itch.
They are now in a classic trap room: perfectly round, ten feet in radius, with a gem in the center; a ruby with the letter "V" Scratched in the top. As soon as they step in, an alarm goes off, and a 30-second countdown is initiated. However, thankfully, the center button resets the trap.
After panicking a little (WHAT! Gruek has Fear?!? Impossible. It's actually his manliness exploding in the most convenient form, so as not to embarrass all the fighting men around by sullying their honor.), Gruek decides to do the smart thing: smash through the walls. Well, that's smart up until the acid explodes out and fills the chamber. By filling the chamber, I mean reaching such a concentration that it's dangerous. Definitely not breaking any laws of phsyics or failing Chemistry forever....
So, what now? Gruek swims up to the top of the room, and does what he does best. Beat things up. The walls stands up to three punches before cracking, snapping... and collapsing on top of everyone.
Yay. The fun has now been doubled.
So, with the Lich counting down in the background and throwing out his characteristic taunts, until Grue is awesome again. Having removed everyone from the room and sent them above into the next room, he realizes that the button is going to go off. So what does he do? Stand on top of it. He wants to make sure no one else is damaged with the inevitable explosion.
Beautiful moment right there.... right up until nothing happens. Yup, that's right, the room had no ticking time bomb. It was the lich playing with yo mind. It was at that moment that Gruek wished he had a keyboard cat, to properly play the old foo off.
They move into the next room of the cunningly designed inescapeable death trap created for their demise lich's compound/underwater converted Atlantic city/haunt/thing.
They go down a menacingly grafittied trap door, before looking at the wall (I wonder what else there were looking at all this time...?).
The Professor realizes something: the wall is covered in magical runes, Thassalonian Runes.
The trapdoor shuts.
The spoiler ends.
Session 7: I Fail at Bookwork Forever
Spoiler
So, I swear I've done this before. I know it's uploaded somewhere before. Either that, or my note stating: SESSION 7 is totally wrong. Imma go with the theory that I'm wrong.
>.>
<.<
If you guys find a spare post running around, lasso it and bring it here.
On to the actual session. Gruek and the rest of the Nameless are staring at arcane runes about to blow them up. The professor decides that it's now time to begin class, and starts deciphering the runes.
That ceases the moment he realizes it's a necrotic death trap (no, really?) and teleports into the *next* death trap.
In the center is, logically enough, another extremely valuable object on a pedestal. Pearl this time. As in the jewel, not Pokemon.
As everyone begins examining the room, the runes *finally* go off, and it's pretty much a TPK for the lower level Nameless. Gruek, however, barely feels it, and shrugs off a CR 20 trap in less than half a dozen rounds. (GM: *grumblegrumble*)
Insert cliche grim reaper undead sub-henchman. (What other sort of henchmen would a villain who appreciates tropes get? I swear that's the reason.) After attempting to slash Gruek, he fails epically.
I seem to notice this is a common problem for most people.
Turns out this thing is NO match for Gruek, who smashes it in the middle of a spell, throws it against a wall, and leaves its dying hulk alone while he's helping his team....
IT COMES BACK TO LIFE. See, the room is pulsing with negative energy: healing the beast and hurting his "friends" (most of whom are now reaaaaaaaaally dead.).
Gruek kicks it back to the corner.
(GM: .... That encounter was CR+4, and none of the NPCs were available to help. Besides that, he was the guy who was directing all of the traps and such. Sooooo by killing this guy he got to bypass everything. Oh well... Here burns Noteathor, Son of Campaignathor, Steward of Gondor. You were a good note, and deviously hard.)
So, after stomping through the traps with ease, Gruek now has a full set of clues: V, E, N, G, A, R. Which, of course, spells Garven. Or, alternately, Vengar. Which, of course, tells him nothing: it's like spelling "E-a-r-t-h" for us.
OR IS IT? Dun dun dunnnnnn!
They decide to.... yes, of course. What else would any sane person do? Teleport.
Dumping the bodies at the Rezz center, the prof and Gruek have some light talk until the next planned encounter: an epic contest of will. Or, an epic contest of Fortitude saves. Yes, a drinking contest between a gestalted ubertank and a caster.
They go south, to the scummiest joint they can find in a capital of good constantly policed by paladins and armed with infinite magical power to ward and watch. Dunno how they found one, really, but there it was.
Deciding that getting high in the worst district in town is a bad idea for a hero's image, the Prof does the next best thing: he gives Gruek a real quick makeover, Disguise Self style.
They go in, and find the nastiest stuff (GM: DC 40 should do the trick...) that has ever been made on the mortal plane. The Prof is covered head to toe, even fingers, in a robe. With an unlimited tab, all of their other money safely stored extradimensionally, and a lot of time, what could go wrong?
Not much, actually.
No living man can take more than two drinks, these are downing them every thirty seconds. (Unfortunately, neither I nor the player can claim to have much experience with long bouts of intense drinking. Should someone be able to tell me the length of time it takes, it'd greatly facilitate further inebriation contests.)
After ten drinks or so, Gruek notices that the Prof isn't actually affected... How is the PROFESSOR not doing it?
People start to gather around, and everyone thinks the contest is so badass, they stick the pair in the middle of a large crowd, and set up betting. True story.
Gruek begins to feel a little messed up, but the Professor isn't even hindered, still going straight and strong.
That is the Worst. POSSIBLE. THING!
Session 8: Ten Minutes Flat
Spoiler
This was a real quickie session, to finish off the drinking contest and set up for a really, really, really, dangerous next session.
We ended with Gruek LOSING (oh, the horror!) to a wizard in a drinking contest. Cue drink number 49. Something happens... the Professor looks worried (as much as he can look under swathes of cloth).
Then, faster than you can say "handy plot point" the Professor is out cold. Cue character introduction: a handy troll cleric, who will hopefully be around to keep everyone from dying horribly due to incredible bravery/stupidity lay down the heals.
Faster than you can say "handy plot point" again, the troll learns that Gruek *happens* to be the son of the chief of his tribe (Bear Totem). After they compare notes like two college buddies, separated only by time and criminal record, the troll decides that Gruek's pretty butch, and that they should all die together!
Everyone gets healed and properly introduced, they all head up to a prisoner transfer.
The Professor sees some interesting balls um, orbs, on the walls. Completely spaces out to what's going on behind him.
What IS going on behind him is one of the most over-prepared prison transfers ever: whoever's being moved is pretty stank nasty dangerous. There are dozens of mages, soldiers, and wards surrounding the vacant stairwell, waiting.
The tension rises: no one expects to live past this transfer, if it's even successful. Most of these people believe themselves about to die.
A gigantic shadow appears in the stairwell, and begins walking up.
Aaaaand...
That's where I cut. We only did a few minutes, but got pretty far.
Session 9: The Smashorcist
Spoiler
All the troops get the jitters at the same moment, and finish readying. Hammers *****pulled all the way back on rifles (EDIT: because the word "cocked" can only be a curse word, right? Grrrrr.... Forum Filter), spells readied. Then, it happens.
Well, kind of. Gruek begins to see tons of really tough looking soldiers walking up. Huge guys, a dozen of them, flanking the one gigantic shadow....
Which shadow, by the way, is an eight year old girl.
Just thought you should know.
She looks totally innocent, actually, and starts mind-probing Gruek to prove it. Turns out that she's the girl from back in the Plane of Damnation, when Gruek dove in (see session #4.5). She is also the demon from session #5. WOAH! It's a Chekov's BRICK!
He gets hit with a modified version of the Memory Modification (modified as in able to actually beat his saves), which allows the girl to show him her memories: guards as their about to execute her, guards as they throw a little girl into a plane of eternal torture, things like that.
Just as Gruek snaps out of the trance, the little girl stumbles... and all Hell breaks loose. Literally. You see, she's in fifty pounds of chains, which are attached to the giant guards in front of her. So, she falls, and dislocates her arm.
Gruek leaps into action, trying to figure out what on earth is going on: who's done what, and why on earth is this girl the most dangerous criminal on the face of the multiplanes?
A cleric quickly heals the girl, but not before she stares down one of her hulking level 20 guards into a fetal position. At that point, she speaks. "WHO WOULD DARE HURT HER!?!?!"
WAIT. A raspy, deep, roaring voice? WUT IS THIS SORCERY?
She continues talking, but it's not her voice: she's saying different words, it would seem, if she could actually be heard over the volume of--- SWEET CELESTIA THERE'S A... so, yeah, turns out the girl's under the "protection" of a
demon, who explodes into view. She appears to.. not be having fun.
A giant, thirteen-armed Balor is now standing on top of an eight-year old girl, surrounded by hundreds of his closest enemies.
Did I mention he has four magical chainguns? No? How forgetful of me.
He has four chainguns.
So, he opens fire, and each of the guns is ripping out dozens of gigantic bullets. To give you an equivalent of the damage, he's basically wielding 4 A-10 Thunderbolt-IIs. (Link.)
Things are not going well.
So, Gruek is running across the room to hit this thing, and in the time he does, tons of people have shot at it, lots of spells and traps went off, and the thing is alive. Oh, and nobody else is.
So, it's Gruek, the monster, the Troll cleric, and the still-oblivious Professor.
Turns out that the demon is actually subject to Gruek... some... because ALL demons are subject to him. Right, right... got it. So, Gruek tells him to stop firing. The beast complies -after everyone is dead. Gruek tells him to let the girl go. As it happens, the Balor is sworn to protect this girl, and is summoned instantly whenever she is injured, and leaves when she is safe.
Our half-ogre hero decides that the demon probably isn't a suitable guardian and proceeds to pummel his lights out to exorcise him. The demon decides that being punched in the face should be stopped, and proceeds to turn four thirty-millimeter magical chainguns on our hero.
So, let's talk for a minute, here, about how this chaingun works. Mechanical boring stuff:
There were three operational guns going off (I should have had four, but, whatever, it went well anyway). Each one fires 1d20 bullets.There's one attack roll for the whole gun, and if that hits, each bullet does 1d10+mod damage, which is all added together through a feat.
In case you're wondering, I hombrewed the gun.
Each of the guns is on fully automatic, firing 30 millimeter bullets. For a comparison of the size, take two of your fingers and stick it against your heart. That is the size of the bullets going through Gruek. Fifty of them per round.
FINALLY. I made a character who is actually level appropriate. You know how good it felt to have an encounter be tough? I don't know, since the encounter wasn't. I'll tell you how I feel after I pull out one that actually gives him a run for his money.
They pause for a moment to stare each other down, and yell about each other's relative weakness. Gruek gives a... "demonic roar."
It's an indicator
>.>
Of what will come
<.<
When he becomes the Lord of Hell.
Yeah, nothin' to see here.
And, with the characteristic of all villains, the balor -girl still trapped with him- runs.
Great way to end it, right? No. Maybe.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
EDIT: Due to overcrowding on that first post, I'm continuing with #10 here.
Session 10: I guess it had to happen sometime, or, Inevitable Big T Battle
Spoiler
So we cut back to the Prof and Gruek back at the school, where the Professor is doing studying. He figures out that there's some sort of relevant important plot point ancient evil hidden away in the jungle on the near-deserted continent of Wildfell.
He is teleported there, but there's a mistake, and he pops up a few hundred feet from his destination. A few hundred feet *higher* that is. So, after ignoring three hundred feet of fall damage, AGAIN, Gruek realizes the real problem at the embassy he's been teleported to.
Hundreds of soldiers are dead in its courtyard, the thick stone walls ahve been torn into pieces, and carnage is everywhere. Oh, and a live terrasque is currently climbing up to eat Gruek alive.
Nothing much, really.
Our half-ogre climbs inside the tower, to meet two of the surviving members of the embassy, Darik and Felix, the ambassador and his assistant. They explain that attack was sudden (not sure how a sixty foot smashing beast could move through thick jungle stealthily. I guess they had poor spot mods.)
Darik, the ambassador, tries to force Gruek to sign a ton of waivers and forms, but, the hero being who he is, shoves them back, runs to the window, and prepares for epicness.
So, what is his method of attack? Climbing down? Using flight? NOPE. He leaps off of the side of a hundred foot tower, onto a roaring Terrasque.
Oh soul, I love this game. So, so, much.
I haven't even gotten to the good part, either.
So, Gruek is now on the ground, fighting the monster to end all monsters... doing pretty well, too. He picks the thing up and throws it across the courtyard (it's pretty handy to be able to lift over a million pounds...). He holds it up under the full force of its strength. He punches it in the FACE!
"I'm a MAAAAAAAHN." PUNCH. That's how it went down.
Then, we get a twist: another enemy showed up, the mysterious shadow-monster from session 3.
Yay for story elements coming back together!
OH NOES! It is the end again! Welp, thanks for reading! Comment, rate, like, subscribe.... oh, wait. Stupid YouTube infecting me.
You can comment, though!
Session 11, Shadow of Isra... Wait, no. Just Shadow.
Spoiler
So, a Big T Showdown was interrupted by a mysterious shadowy figure, the one who escaped from jail earlier. Turns out that the shadow actually knew that the Terrasque had been released, and so showed up at the remote embassy, too.
However, it tells Gruek to keep pounding the beast, while it watches. The half-ogre, always eager to smack something in the face, obliges. The monster starts chucking cottage-sized pieces of wall.
Then, epic thing #82834839 of the 11 sessions happens. So, there's a gigantic chunk of solid stone, several orders of magnitude larger than our hero, headed towards him at terminal velocity, and what does he do?
HE PUNCHES IT BACK.
Good heavens, I need some sort of a coping mechanism for this game. Seriously.
So, after shattering a two-ton rock with one fist, Gruek begins a counter-attack, running across the courtyard and leaping on the creature.
You know, in most games, that last sentence would be the high point, the extreme epicness of any, ANY given session. Not this game. Just wow.
Gruek hurtles through the air, smashing into the Big T's head straight on, after, of course, dodging ten-foot spines hurled at him in midair. Then, the half-ogre is chucked back across the embassy, clear to the other side. He just stands up and smacks it in the face again.
The shadow follows leisurely, having forgotten his popcorn, but enjoying the fight nevertheless. Seriously, this guy was way too chill about watching an eldritch horror and an ancient demon-lord's ward do battle. I mean, couldn't he at least get a TV crew on call? (More on that later!)
We cut away, and I do a bunch of calculations (my player is extremely patient to sit through mathematically-challenged me being particular about damage-per-round calcs), to determine an hour's worth of combat between two characters with regen.
Turns out, they're pretty evenly matched: neither was significantly close to death. So, Mr. Shadow steps forward, and, in an entirely overpowered way, just shoos off the Terrasque, before turning to Gruek. Gotta love epic levels.
Gruek gets up in his grill, because the hero wanted to fry him some Terrasque steaks. Seriously, those things are great in a teryaki baste.
Of course, the shadow indicates that battle wasn't going nearly as well as Gruek thought, and another mystic statement, classic of a good villain:
"So little, little you know..."
Session 12, or, Pauuuuuuse for Dramatic Affect
Spoiler
So, Gruek is toe-to-toe with the mysterious shadow that shooed away a Terrasque. Good heavens, what is he going to do to my notes? Well, he decides *not* to smack his face in quite yet, and asks a few basic questions. Who are you, why are you here, the basic pleasantries and small talk. The Shadow talks with him, mysteriously signing pieces of paper with his blood.
That can't be bad AT ALL. Nope.
So, turns out the Shadow (I need another name, and fast. That's grating already.) was just stalling for time in what was a characteristically uncliche action, and was actually signing pacts with demons for power. Well, then. Come out from your corners fighting, men!
The two lay into each other for a bit, and it's clear that the Shadow, despite its wings, claws, and all the other things, is just not going to cut it. So, he decides to pull out some real spells.
In a freakishly desperate turn of events, Gruek fails the first save in 12 sessions (maybe second? I don't know....) and becomes paralyzed for about ten seconds. Juuuuuust long enough for the evil guy to make a snide remark and plant a long claw in his chest.
Wait. Gruek's.... dead. Just.... plain dead. How does that work, anyway? He technically doesn't have a soul (No, he's not a ginger, he's a demon. Similar, but different.) which makes his afterlife awkward. So, he shows up at the headquarters of his liege/master/role-model Zerkahn the Balor-Paladin Lord of Hell. Yeah.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that there's a massive army? My oh my, I keep forgetting. There's a massive army. Now I've mentioned it.
Anyway, the demons of Hell think Gruek's come down just to look at their prep, and give him a tour of the place. Then, they begin to show him the super-ultra secret weapon, which is....
Resurrection.
You didn't seriously think I'd show Gruek and you guys the ultimate power of the enemy this early in the game? He's gained two levels so far, that's it! So, no. He gets rezzed by the Shadow, who explains that he's offering a deal.
Gruek, unfazed by the fact that his ribcage is being closed up in front of his eyes or that this man killed him two minutes ago, listens politely. Serious hero material.
The Shadow says that for reasons of his own, he's going to not annoy Gruek, if Gruek leaves him alone. He'll follow along after him. Promises to obey laws, even.
The catch? He gets to follow Gruek. Oh, and he doesn't get hunted down. Mysterious, mysterious indeed.
And, a good place to end the session!
Session 13: What's that you say... NO FIGHTING?
Spoiler
Well, this session was certainly the most interesting we've had in a while: no one got smacked upside the face. Nope. Not even Chuck Terrasquea.
So, Gruek is left by the Shadow-Demon, and then, suddenly, REPORTERS!
And so the scourge of the planet shows up again, those idiots from the press.
Gruek pretty much waves 'em off in true badass style (Never saw the Dovakhiin sitting down with Barbara Walters, did you?) and moves to more interesting people: the Troll Cleric from Sessions 8/9, the Drow (yes, I swear he's important!), and, of course, The Professor. Can't see that guy enough, right? Right...?
Torrim Redara, the Drow spokesperson, says he wants Gruek to endorse his product. Gruek decides to skip the fine print and do that later. The Professor offers kind words of advice, including fine words on "Stranger Danger." Then, finally, the Troll Cleric speaks: with the first side quest! The idea is that Gruek has to return to his father's tribe, cause something isn't quite right there.
So, he brushes it off to do later. After pushing away the remaining reporters, he sets out for his true purpose! (Which we had both forgotten.)
One archive-dig later, we realized that he needed to be heading to an ancient temple in the nearby ruins. So he did!
Climbing up to the top of the ruins, he finds a rather odd lock: it's circular, with innumerable interlocking arms. Also, it's keeping him from going inside.
Well, it was inches away from begin the first casualty of the night, but he realized there was a door at the base of the pyramid (yay for terrible perception modifiers?), and walks in. After doing some investigating, the structure seems... odd.
First, the ceilings are eleven or twelve feet tall, indicating extremely large size occupant(s). Second, there's a lot of magic. A LOT OF IT. From weird power-axes to floating tables, everything's tripping with a purple dusty dweomer.
After examining the area for a while, Gruek enters a very, very, large room, almost like a cathedral...
Oh, or a prison for the largest, most dangerous beast known to mankind.
Either way.
Session 14: Datapads, Databases, and Future-ancient-technology of Plot Revelation!
Spoiler
Turns out that the Big T is kinda trapped here.. but can still attack. So, Gruek ducks and prepares to wallop the hiney of the biggest monster in the book... and nothing happens. Apparently, the prison actually *DOES* work, and the monster can't do any physical damage.
Gruek, being the badass that he is, decides that he can leave the beast in the prison, and skips off to do some investigating. Moving up the pyramid temple, he finds an ancient... telecommunications room?
There's a guard post with a number of CA (Closed-Arcana) TVs inside, with parameter cameras and datapads and Ar'ist computer-esque things. Oh, and an AI, which, in break with tradition, does not seem to want to kill him. So, he starts asking a few questions, examining what it's got to say.
It seems that our boy, Zerkahn (Demon Paladin and whose Oath is currently bound to Gruek), has a history... in fact, he made the Terrasque sentient.
Yeah, the Big T now has an Int score OVER 10. Sadly, though, Zerkahn also decided to give it a special rot named after him, and so the beast had to be removed from the world. The half-ogre we know and love decides to just upload the rest of the information, after making sure that the fort can hold in the big T. He'll let the Professor deal with all that stuff.
Moving back, he indeed uses the Teleport circle to return to the Prof, drops the info on his desk, and without even a "kthxbai" he's off to save his dad!
*Original Post*
Well, had session #3, so I'll update for both Session #2 and #3.
Session 2: "Chillin' like a... Villain Balor-Paladin Paragon-of-Good Rolemodel?"
Spoiler
Session 2 was mostly Roleplay, and a trying to scope out a "normal day" for Gruek.
So, the session picks up again with Gruek returning back to his home school. He's not actually *going* to it anymore, he's kind of like the giant mascot that wanders the grounds and generally helps people.
When Gruek gets home, he arrives in the office of his second mentor, a man who apparently forgot his own name, and is now only called "The Professor." "The Professor" tells Gruek that he needs a job should consider his image.
The Half-Ogre is confused (as I possibly was...) as to what this means, so the Prof. elaborates. Basically, they need something for people to think of when they see Gruek (other than, y'know, Gruek.).
The Prof asks who the Ogre's hero is. The player completely reverses what I'd expect to happen, and pulls out an extremely dramatic moment, dedicating Gruek to Zerkahn, the previous mentor (and the guy who unwittingly cursed him with being the doom of the world, but, that's a story for a later chapter!), and saying that Zerkahn, the Balor-Paladin, and his change of heart, along with the zeal following it, as the prime example of heroism.
We also learn that the badass paradox paladin saved the world, not once, not twice, but in three easy payments of 19.99! three times! [Good grief, those strike tags are getting good use!]
So, the Prof tells Gruek he needs to act like Gruek, and to show people how to be like him. Basically, the half-ogre needs to be a shining role model of perfect celestial perfectness.
After getting a little reading material on the most recent stars, Gruek is sent to take a shower (can drink raw lava, but sweats on the elemental Plane of Fire, in a mere 12,000 Farenheit? Lame. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!).
After Gruek impresses some small boys (Seriously? Bragging about staring down a three-hundred-foot living emblem of destructive power? I need to talk to my player, methinks, about that raging pride....) with his awesomeness on accident, takes his shower, getting rid of all of his sweat.
Then he goes to the volcano for a little sauna time.
Think about that for a moment, while I grab a few more notes...
You thought about it? Good. So, Gruek's chillin' in the lava, flips off a local ('cause the inside of a desert volcano is just brimmin' with the nightlife) who doesn't believe he talked to Argus/TitanPyre. Leaving the unbelieber, he moves on to his one actual duty in the day: Portico of War.
After a few botched attempts at attack, he gets overwhelmed by kids beating him ruthlessly like a tied-up goat. [We actually waived combat rolls, as even giving them a set number to hit would have resulted in some pretty hilarious misses.]
Whilst they're in the middle of this, Gruek is called away to meet a mysterious Drow named Torrim Redara. And, by mysterious, I mean a complete scumbag in a diplomat's uniform... and not even in uniform. He's wearing wierd Underdark swag, making him an odd representative for commercial interests. Turns out, he's there because Gruek wrecked one of the biggest commercial districts on the western continent (which just happened to deal in illegal and blackmarket trades...).
After some vaguely threatening language, Torrim drops a spiel, and disappears by what is quickly growing to be the ubiquitous method of travel: the portal. [Seriously, self. Think of a new way to travel, already! There's got to be something better than a blue-to-red circle sitting in the sky!]
I LIED. You thought you were getting two updates? NOPE. However, I am going on vacation for the weekend (it's not really a vacation, but whatever), so the next update will probably be Monday night. Wish me luck, and thanks for reading!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Well, Session #4 just went down, so Session #3 will go up!
Here goes:
Session 3: Plot... *POINT!*
Spoiler
So, this session was really short, looking back at it, but moderately important. We started after the salesman/politician/Drow how had left, and moved forward in real-time.
Turns out that the Prof actually does work to support the school (it doesn't just exist without any form or tuition or on government grants or anything like that... to think of it!), and he has a contract with the Cellanese gov't for a big hunk of glass.
He asks Gruek to grab it and chuck it in the plane of fire for testing. Gruek obliges (making sure to grab some fireproof clothes first!), and dumps the large piece of glass (which I was tempted to call Tom) on a hunk of lava.
Player sees another Emperor Elemental (I had to make something bigger than Elder for TitanPyre/Argus, so... Emperor!), decides to try and egg it on. Luckily, this one is wise enough to notice that Gruek is standing in fire, and probably isn't scared of it. They talk for a moment, until BOOM! Faster than you can say "Holy Plot Revelation, Batman!", there appears a message in the glass... "We are here... we are watching."
Argus completely flips out, and expects the thing to blow up in his face. That would be a nasty hair day. So, they try to break it, to no avail. Magically reinforced, designed to withstand just about anything.
Just as they're freaking out even more, the floor opens up, and Gruek falls through. BOOM! Scene change.
He arrives in the middle of laughter... and bullets. Apparently an insane and massively overpowered freak has broken out of prison (don't they always....) and is rampaging throughout town. Player runs forward, ignores the handily placed cart, and rips off the door to the tower, and chucks the thing at the monster.
The monster (which is tentacly and shadowy, oh my!) slaps him around a bit, takes some heavy hits, and they engage in a lot of banter. The eldritch horror escapee claims to be in the right, as a victim, but it doesn't fly.
When it does, it yells about taking back the night, and being ruler of the night... yeah. Totally not a ripoff of a popular show. NOPE!
Gruek slaps down my gestalted tank/Pony eldritch horror in a matter of rounds, and it runs fast to avoid anything further. A random soldier in the background breaks the fourth wall. I need to bring him back, methinks...
The Prof says that it'd be a good archenemy for Gruek, and they head off into the sunset another flipping portal.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Weeeeell, after a two week break (for which I'm sorry, non-existent fans!), I am finally still sick well. Had session 5.5 tonight, and will post 4/4.5.
In other news, I find out how much I have frenemy these late-night writeups... MUST... FINISH....
Session 4:
Spoiler
So, continuing immediately from where we left off, the Prof and Gruek teleport back to the library.
Arman, the gnome, is doing some shady stuffs with the Prof's fat lootz (Books! Books! Books! I had a joke to write here, I swear it!), and asks for a book on Dangerous Planes. The prof doesn't care, and starts to talk to Gruek. BOOOOOMITY BOOM! The great hero is already getting some fanmail!
Dozens of sendings all explode into the room at once, yelling over each other like people bidding on Justin Bieber's baby teeth. After a moment, things get dangerous: Gruek is so proud, his chest might burst (remember, he has a problem with keeping his clothes on!) from pride. He's kicking it good, and then, oh, then, the vicious, cut-throat, blood-sucking parasites show up. No, wait, the reporters show up. But I repeat myself.
So, we've got a ton of yelling reporters, and Gruek takes a metaphysical arrow to the knee, tearing his whole soul open straight out. In the process, though, he gets a cool name, Bulwark, Protector of Society out of the whole deal.
After a few random and probing questions, the Prof sends all the reporters packing, and asks Gruek a passing question about where he set down the glass.
Gruek: WUT.
Prof... WUT...?
Gruek: NOOOOOOOO
Turns out, it was left back IN THE PLANE OF FIRE. Mind you, this was a top-secret special project for the government.
Oh, and, it also turns out that the first thing they need to do is... totally ignore the problem. [GM Self hate= I have no idea what on earth I was doing... game went off on a tangent. Note to self: get addicted to Ritalin before every session.]
So, they decide to teleport, and the administrative assistant, Arman, decides to fudge it up a little, and breaks the mage's concentration DURING the teleport.
They wind up 80 feet above the ground, in free fall... Fun times. Once on the ground, they see an arcane sigil carved into the ground. Thousands, actually, as part of the magical protection of the city, litter the walkway and apparently do not suffer erosion. They see 7 names carved up on the arch, including Zerkahn's. Gruek engages in some deep hero-worship, drools over the carving, and walks into the city for some PR work with the government.
Turns out, luckily enough, that breathing underwater and being freakishly strong is pretty marketable, and he has a mission in 10 seconds flat no time at all. They're going to be exploring one of the sights of Zerkahn's feats.
See, the Demon-Paladin was just chillin, when this entire flipping continent decided to try out floating in the deep end of the pool, and failed. (Seriously? Who can actually float in water? I can't...) So, Zerkahn, being the ultimate in badass, swims underneath, and stands there.
You read that right. HE STANDS THERE. Oh, did I mention he's holding up the entire flipping continent? AND STILL FLOATING. I don't know which is more amazing, honestly. So, Zerkahn, back in time, saved everyone, and then had to let the city drop down into the depths.
The mission for Gruek today is to go down in there and explore a gigantic, multi-millenia old inverted stone structure that is hundreds of feet below water. Oh, and there are only five people. That seems intelligent to me... (if they were PCs, it'd obviously be a different matter)
So, he meets the gang (nobody important, honestly, except the mysteriously unnamed Captain.), and they dive. The mega-door that was the problem for so many other would-be explorers is no match for the unparalleled epicness of GRUEK! He rips it up with ease! After a few Aid Another checks from unnamed sources, that is...
So, they get in... and Room 1=boss fight, apparently, by my logic. A heap of skellies are waiting there, and knock everybody out. Everyone gets teleported into the middle of the building, and are tied up.
They meet Cliche Mc. Lichepants, an evil lich wizard who doesn't have a name.
After they teleport in, it's time for da fat lootz of roleplay: banter! The lich opens up with some cool plot revelation: he stole the glass (apparently from the Plane of Fire), and it's sitting around. He's just chillin, waiting for something, apparently. Gruek makes a comment.
This is the point where I must have had a bad song on my playlist, 'cause I started murdering stuff. Lich goes over, and pulls off the air filter of the captain, and begins to fight. After a few punches miss, the lich just starts Ennervating the hay out of him, leaving the half-ogre at -7 to every check.
Do you know what happens? GRUEK IS EPIC, that's what. Player is hating me for slamming him with two empowered Ennervations in a row (it was what's on the sheet....), but doesn't stop. The Lich tries to disentegrate, and Gruek just sticks his chest out, spits a one liner out, and lets the pesky fly bounce off of his epically ripped manliness.
Unfortunately enough for the history of music, no bards were present at the battle to record how INTENSELY AWESOME it was to watch the Lich try to ham up a win, again, and again, and fail. Every. Time.
After a few rounds of pounding, the lich decides telling the entire secret of his plan to Gruek in true trope fashion isn't as important as his life, and vamooses, leaving everyone behind to wake up and swim to the surface.
The Captain, when he wakes up, grabs his rage face and starts yelling about knowing what's happening. So, Gruek follows the guy down into the Vault, and the session ends when the Captain opens the Vault's mysterious door.
DUN DUN DUN!!!!
What happens next? Find out by clicking the next spoiler!
Session 4.5: No, really, it's a Session! or, Ow. That had to HURT. No, really.
Spoiler
HA HA!
The Cake is a lie. So is the double-session post.
And, a preview:
Session 5: Why don't I have Plot Rails?
Spoiler
Answer: Because I'd wreck them. Derp.
Also, I'd appreciate any comments from you guys, ways to improve my writing (or my GMing... XD) for the future.
Have fun, and stay EPIC!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Session 4.5: No, really, it's a Session! or, Ow. That had to HURT. No, really.
Spoiler
HA HA!
After the dramatic opening, we realize how idiotically foolish this captain is. He's opening the door to the Plane of Damnation.
Let's talk about the Plane of Damnation? Now, imagine the worst, most cliched day you could possibly had. You get in a car crash, which kills your dog. The death of your dog kills the rest of your family. You are paralzyed for life. Then, they announce that they've cancelled season 3 of My Little Pony.
Comparing such a day to the Plane of Damnation would be the equivalent of comparing Heaven to Hell, IE: you don't want to touch it with your great-great-great-grandaddy's acquantance's stolen 10 foot pole. It's a constant damage of around 800 (fluctuating to far greater), bypassing any and all resistances instantly. You are breathing lava and acid at the same time. Your body is being physically ripped apart and put back together infinitely: the plane never lets anyone die. It's eternal torture... eternally.
And some dude... in the army... is in the vault, and opens the door to this plane.
Seems legit.
So, the door opens, and with the strength of a thousand railroads, Gruek feels himself being drawn towards it. Behind him, a desk rips out and flies through the door. It is immediately torn to molecular ribbons. OH. YES.
When the Captain moves to the door, however, Gruek really steps up. The Captain is hell-bent (heh heh.. Pun-pun) on going through the door, but the half-ogre isn't going to let anyone who isn't massively tough do that. He jumps forward and throws the dude back into the room, and walks into the Plane of Damnation.
Yeah. It worked out about like you think.
After a moment of just sitting there, the most exquisite pain tears through his entire body. Even Gruek's superhuman durability is almost nothing, and then.. then.... He hears a voice.
Someone's talking to him, asks what's goin' down. Not in so many words, of course. Each word the voice speaks it torn in pain: evidently it's someone resident to the plane.
After a terrifically short conversation, Gruek's mind is flipping a little, and the entity throws him outside the plane back on the vault floor.
When he hits the marble, he gains.. a new memory. One of Zerkahn's.
Cue cutscene.
Due to the looooonnnnnnggg amount of time the scene took and because it's not technically part of the main story, I've taken the transcript of that from the session (with some copy edits), and the DeviantArt Link is here, should you wish to look in on it.
When Gruek wakes up, he realize that reliving this new memory only took a few seconds. He also realizes he's in the middle of brawl, but that's not important right now.
The Captain is being arrested for endangering the entire fabric of the Prime Material Plane, and hauled off. The man who guards (Guards! Ha!) the Vault, aptly named the Keeper, says the classic "I KNOW NOTHIIIIIIING!" and the sensible question is brought up: why they hay do they even have a portal down there to a Plane reserved for the unspeakably evil?
Turns out, there have been other people who went into the Plane and came out (Zerkahn, for one), and when they do, they have some sort of higher knowledge given to them. This appears to be Zerkahn's memory. Not that the player doesn't read this thread, but, I'll give a spoiler about that memory and the knowledge.. WAIT! THERE'S MORE! That's all I'm saying.
The Prof appears out of nowhere, flipping out the Keeper. Gruek asks how the Professor knew about it so quickly, and the good scholar said:
"You opened the gate to the most magically-powered Plane in existence.
...
...
"It also has nothing to do whatsoever with any sort of tagging system on you."
Gruek's terribad Sense Motive left this one as plausible, and so they started to leave. The Keeper stops them by *almost* saying the Professor's name. (I swear, he does have one!) Cue "EAT THE RAINBOW, FOO!!!" Turns out they knew each other from way back.
Before I can do anything other than drop a Chekov's Gun, Gruek and the Prof teleport (Hey, better than a portal, right?).
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Sorry for the double post, but, I have session 5, so that's something, right? Right?
Session 5: This is why I can't have good things, or, WHY DID I JUST TELL HIM THE ENTIRE PLOT?
Spoiler
So... this is the point at which I mention how little I prepare for sessions. You see, normally, I figure out who and what's going to be there (IE, main characters/villains), and what they have done since their last meeting... I don't ever really prepare enemies or any of that stuff. This was one time where being that unprepared... well... set me up for what was in a sense failure.
In another sense, it was epic.
Well, without further ado (which IS further ado, ironically enough...), here we go.
They teleport in from the vault, and Gruek immediately notices something's wrong. After checking around for a little bit, they notice the (un)obvious: there's a new book on the shelf.
Arman, the researcher gnome, grabs it off of the shelf, and opens it.
The book is actually a hollow compartment, which contains a gun, which looks more or less similar to a Desert Eagle. I drop a couple of obvious hints about it being mega evil. Player responds accordingly.
Prof is despondent: his pretty wards didn't stop whoever put it here! He's a FAILURE as a wizard! How could he be so... incompetent? Of course, not even Gruek was at liberty to tell him of the truth of the fourth wall and the power of plot, so, he was stuck that way. In another moment, though (in another moment, I'll have noticed that that's one of my most used phrases!), The professor realizes something.
The gun isn't cursed... it's summoned. By Gruek. After cursing out (heh... my dime-store curses, that is... Derp self!) Arman, he turns to Gruek. Goes.. "Hey, dude... this be demon stuff. Want some?"
Gruek thinks for a moment. "How do you know it's demonic?" He asks the obvious question. The Prof throws a spell on the gun, along with a lame excuse about it being in red. For being the most epic man (ogre?) who ever lived, Gruek sure needs more points in Sense Motive... then again, it does help.
In another moment (See? Told ya it was a phrase of mine... for fun, see how many times I said it in the archives, and I'll give you a cookie!).... we learn something about the gun. It doesn't like being messed with. The Prof gets zapped and tortured like Count Rugen could never have imagined, and realizes that casting a spell on the thing was a BAD idea. Y'think?
The Prof puts it back in its booxk (book/box... I like it this way. Whaddaya think? Should I patent it and sell it alongside teleporking?), and stuffs that on a shelf.
In accordance with the player's long-term machinations, Gruek is a badass. Oh, right, you already knew that. I mean.. um... Gruek grabs the professor and asks to go the Abyssal planes. Prof agrees, and after some prerequisite snarking, gets him a few magical safety nets.
The half-ogre is ported in (or porked? Hm.. it's a change at least.), and hits the ground. Only, it's not ground... it's some form of strange chitin-y substance, which cracks and spouts flames.
As he moves across the barren landscape, his awesomeness (also known as his retina) detects moving shadows... He is not alone. And this barren and uninhabited plane... has quite a few people on it. There are even portals popping open in the distance.
After a few minutes, an enormous pile of bones and chitin forms a sort of semi-natural and all freaky cliff. Gruek hesitates not, and just jumps on, climbing up like some sort of gigantic hyper-monkey who could take planes in his hands and... IDEAAAA! Or... maybe not. Best not.
Once on top of his perch (about three hundred feet up), he looks around. There are quite a few people in sight, a few hundred at least. Satisfied with this, he jumps.
Let me say that again: he jumps.
HOH YES. He falls off a goodly skyscraper, all the way to the desecrated bottom of the damned plane, lands perfectly, and stands up. He decides to sit there for a minute to catch his breath... cause he just walked off a fall that would kill almost any character his level with ease.
FOR FUN.
So, he decides to set off after one of those shadows in the mist, and begins to set off in chase. He catches one, and introduces himself.
The demon starts cackling maniacally, thinking him an idiot outsider who just revealed his truename. HA! Gruek the epic needs no such foolery!
Player asks me if he can use intimidate. I agree, realizing that the demon he's up against has a DC of less than 20.
He rolls a 49.
He beats the DC by so much, the demon is actually unmade by the power of his intimidating shout... in hindsight, I should have had at least FUS! to give it that bit of oomph, but, you know... it was improv, right? The demon just had its very essence unmade because of being just that overawed by the appearance of a Demon-blessed Paragon. Nothin' big. Not for GRUEK, anyway.
He leaves the shambling wreck of a soul floating away, and finds his buddy from the Plane of Damnation... kind of. It's really just eight balls of light with his voice attached, but, y'know, magic.
Gruek decides to follow this guy back to his house to learn about demons and stuff (Seems legit, am I right?).
THIS is where I start loosing a grip on story pacing.
Guy starts out by explaining about truenames and how they work. Then, says why each demon needs one: a blood oath to Asmodeous. Turns out even Zerkahn had to swear one, and couldn't get rid of it. Turns out, further, that when Zerkahn tumbled into a void of nonexistence, that meant that his oath was passed on to someone else... permanently. Cue Gruek's oldest, oldest, ancestor, who was slapped with the curse.
Gruek goes all rage-face with that news he's still bound to Asmodeous. However, he isn't *quite.* He's charged with one of Asmodeous' missions. What's that? Oh, nothing much... just bringing in the apocalypse and destroying the world. Full. Stop.
Turns out that's his destiny. That's why he has such tremendous strength.
Also, you know which person in his line is to take up that destiny and actually fulfill the apocalypse (since every one of Gruek's many ancestors since Zerkhan is going to have that same destiny)? Whoever can summon this thing. Gruek summoned the gun, which is what he's going to use to consumate and unravel the world.
The gun, too, is important, but even the powerful super-demon doesn't know how... speaking of which, how does this guy know so much?
BOOM! With suspiciously uncanny timing, a portal shows up, and before Gruek can ask any decent questions, the Prof rips him back to the Prime Material.
When he does, they decide that the gun needs a hiding place. So, they put it back in the booxk (I really like it! You sure you hate it... urm.. how much? Scale of 1-10?).
The Professor finds an excuse to get rid of Gruek, and turns to read the title.
DUN DUN DUN! What is the title? Why is the book there? How does everyone know so much? How come Sam couldn't think of a good pun to add to this title?
Find out the answers to all of these questions... many sessions down the line.
Now that I think about it, I didn't reveal *too* too much. It was about time we got some plot, anyway.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
I love reading this, and am willing to take your challenge, because (as you can see in my sig) I have no cookies one little question though... how in the heck did he survive the fall??? Sheer epicness? Or intervention from the RDG?
I love reading this, and am willing to take your challenge, because (as you can see in my sig) I have no cookies one little question though... how in the heck did he survive the fall??? Sheer epicness? Or intervention from the RDG?
Hitting the ground dealt 30d6 damage, which rolled out to just over 120. His forte is tanking, and he actually has well over 600 HP, in addition to some medium-strength Regen.
I just now realized my propensity for continuity direct: I pick up each session moments after the last one ended. Huh.
So, when we last left our hero, he was going to his mild-mannered day job teaching kids how to be as awesome at him at beating things upside the head. After walking into the Portico of War, he realizes the large arena is vacant. In fact, the entire school is doing a Silent Hill, and no one is there... stuff is blowing over the stone, all sorts of random quick-accumulating post-apocalyptic trash is around.
Gruek walks back to the Prof, asking him what's going on. They go back to the Portico, to prove it, and there are most certainly no people there.
Turns out it's a common holiday I forgot to mention called National's Day, somewhat similar to America's Fourth of July, only more... duel-heavy and inebriated.
The prof decides that they should make a public appearance, and Gruek is cool with it. But, in a stunning show of how terrible his Wisdom score is, the Prof decides to pull out the demon-gun and hand it to Gruek (careful to use a mage hand this time!).
Apparently, this thing has a ton of abilities, and oen of them is a plot-portal. Wherever Gruek is *supposed* to be, he touches it, and there he is. Did I just do that? Yeah. Lazy DM me, I suppose, but... it is going to be reallllllly helpful, should Gruek want to use it. Which he doesn't have to. Just... um... saying.
Anyway, the Prof assumes that this will take them to a parade. Silly Professor, you can't see the plot, can you? You need to talk to Professor Who over there a little more, methinks.
Well, to cut it short, they find themselves not in a parade, but underwater. Oh, oh, yes. They are back in that underwater-themed dungeon of the Clich' king. To make it even better, the gang is there too: short the Captain, of course.
Just then, I point out something interesting: he knows... two people's names. In the whole entire flipping world, he knows the names of two living people whom he's met. (Four counting Torrim Redarra, the Drow from Session 2, and James, the boy) Really, self? I excuse it in typical fashion, as a plot point (no, really, it was! Do you believe me...?) to be revealed later. Then, to make it more believeable, I tie it back to that whole Truename business: even knowing a mortal's name is enough to power divinations and such, making it a crucial piece of information at all times.
Anyway, he doesn't know the names of this strike team (I ingeniously named them "Dwarf," "Mage," and "Other people in room."), and they are now approaching a totally innocent 10 by 10 corridor. That's a hundred feet long. With stones sticking up. Tottttttaally not trapped.
So, they begin to walk down, and Gruek decides he's going to do things traditionally: He floats down, and begins to set off traps. The others are far ahead, in the next room, and he can take it.
Did I just say that? Let me repeat, as I always do. HE JUST PURPOSELY SET OFF TRAPS. For. The. Lulz. So, the traps go off... and he just walks past them. Oh, a spear or two grazes him, but it's like a small itch.
They are now in a classic trap room: perfectly round, ten feet in radius, with a gem in the center; a ruby with the letter "V" Scratched in the top. As soon as they step in, an alarm goes off, and a 30-second countdown is initiated. However, thankfully, the center button resets the trap.
After panicking a little (WHAT! Gruek has Fear?!? Impossible. It's actually his manliness exploding in the most convenient form, so as not to embarrass all the fighting men around by sullying their honor.), Gruek decides to do the smart thing: smash through the walls. Well, that's smart up until the acid explodes out and fills the chamber. By filling the chamber, I mean reaching such a concentration that it's dangerous. Definitely not breaking any laws of phsyics or failing Chemistry forever....
So, what now? Gruek swims up to the top of the room, and does what he does best. Beat things up. The walls stands up to three punches before cracking, snapping... and collapsing on top of everyone.
Yay. The fun has now been doubled.
So, with the Lich counting down in the background and throwing out his characteristic taunts, until Grue is awesome again. Having removed everyone from the room and sent them above into the next room, he realizes that the button is going to go off. So what does he do? Stand on top of it. He wants to make sure no one else is damaged with the inevitable explosion.
Beautiful moment right there.... right up until nothing happens. Yup, that's right, the room had no ticking time bomb. It was the lich playing with yo mind. It was at that moment that Gruek wished he had a keyboard cat, to properly play the old foo off.
They move into the next room of the cunningly designed inescapeable death trap created for their demise lich's compound/underwater converted Atlantic city/haunt/thing.
They go down a menacingly grafittied trap door, before looking at the wall (I wonder what else there were looking at all this time...?).
The Professor realizes something: the wall is covered in magical runes, Thassalonian Runes.
The trapdoor shuts.
The spoiler ends.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Plot portals aren't lazy! They are the only way for....some people.... to get back on track after an ADD fit! Speaking of which I seen you arounnd on other threads a lot lately *plot portal* oh yeah! The campaign log! I like it a lot and would love to try playing a Gruek-esque uber tank someday
Chapter... What Session was it. Be right... oh, yeah.
Session 7: I Fail at Bookwork Forever
Spoiler
So, I swear I've done this before. I know it's uploaded somewhere before. Either that, or my note stating: SESSION 7 is totally wrong. Imma go with the theory that I'm wrong.
>.>
<.<
If you guys find a spare post running around, lasso it and bring it here.
On to the actual session. Gruek and the rest of the Nameless are staring at arcane runes about to blow them up. The professor decides that it's now time to begin class, and starts deciphering the runes.
That ceases the moment he realizes it's a necrotic death trap (no, really?) and teleports into the *next* death trap.
In the center is, logically enough, another extremely valuable object on a pedestal. Pearl this time. As in the jewel, not Pokemon.
As everyone begins examining the room, the runes *finally* go off, and it's pretty much a TPK for the lower level Nameless. Gruek, however, barely feels it, and shrugs off a CR 20 trap in less than half a dozen rounds. (GM: *grumblegrumble*)
Insert cliche grim reaper undead sub-henchman. (What other sort of henchmen would a villain who appreciates tropes get? I swear that's the reason.) After attempting to slash Gruek, he fails epically.
I seem to notice this is a common problem for most people.
Turns out this thing is NO match for Gruek, who smashes it in the middle of a spell, throws it against a wall, and leaves its dying hulk alone while he's helping his team....
IT COMES BACK TO LIFE. See, the room is pulsing with negative energy: healing the beast and hurting his "friends" (most of whom are now reaaaaaaaaally dead.).
Gruek kicks it back to the corner.
(GM: .... That encounter was CR+4, and none of the NPCs were available to help. Besides that, he was the guy who was directing all of the traps and such. Sooooo by killing this guy he got to bypass everything. Oh well... Here burns Noteathor, Son of Campaignathor, Steward of Gondor. You were a good note, and deviously hard.)
So, after stomping through the traps with ease, Gruek now has a full set of clues: V, E, N, G, A, R. Which, of course, spells Garven. Or, alternately, Vengar. Which, of course, tells him nothing: it's like spelling "E-a-r-t-h" for us.
OR IS IT? Dun dun dunnnnnn!
They decide to.... yes, of course. What else would any sane person do? Teleport.
Dumping the bodies at the Rezz center, the prof and Gruek have some light talk until the next planned encounter: an epic contest of will. Or, an epic contest of Fortitude saves. Yes, a drinking contest between a gestalted ubertank and a caster.
They go south, to the scummiest joint they can find in a capital of good constantly policed by paladins and armed with infinite magical power to ward and watch. Dunno how they found one, really, but there it was.
Deciding that getting high in the worst district in town is a bad idea for a hero's image, the Prof does the next best thing: he gives Gruek a real quick makeover, Disguise Self style.
They go in, and find the nastiest stuff (GM: DC 40 should do the trick...) that has ever been made on the mortal plane. The Prof is covered head to toe, even fingers, in a robe. With an unlimited tab, all of their other money safely stored extradimensionally, and a lot of time, what could go wrong?
Not much, actually.
No living man can take more than two drinks, these are downing them every thirty seconds. (Unfortunately, neither I nor the player can claim to have much experience with long bouts of intense drinking. Should someone be able to tell me the length of time it takes, it'd greatly facilitate further inebriation contests.)
After ten drinks or so, Gruek notices that the Prof isn't actually affected... How is the PROFESSOR not doing it?
People start to gather around, and everyone thinks the contest is so badass, they stick the pair in the middle of a large crowd, and set up betting. True story.
Gruek begins to feel a little messed up, but the Professor isn't even hindered, still going straight and strong.
That is the Worst. POSSIBLE. THING!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
This was a real quickie session, to finish off the drinking contest and set up for a really, really, really, dangerous next session.
We ended with Gruek LOSING (oh, the horror!) to a wizard in a drinking contest. Cue drink number 49. Something happens... the Professor looks worried (as much as he can look under swathes of cloth).
Then, faster than you can say "handy plot point" the Professor is out cold. Cue character introduction: a handy troll cleric, who will hopefully be around to keep everyone from dying horribly due to incredible bravery/stupidity lay down the heals.
Faster than you can say "handy plot point" again, the troll learns that Gruek *happens* to be the son of the chief of his tribe (Bear Totem). After they compare notes like two college buddies, separated only by time and criminal record, the troll decides that Gruek's pretty butch, and that they should all die together!
Everyone gets healed and properly introduced, they all head up to a prisoner transfer.
The Professor sees some interesting balls um, orbs, on the walls. Completely spaces out to what's going on behind him.
What IS going on behind him is one of the most over-prepared prison transfers ever: whoever's being moved is pretty stank nasty dangerous. There are dozens of mages, soldiers, and wards surrounding the vacant stairwell, waiting.
The tension rises: no one expects to live past this transfer, if it's even successful. Most of these people believe themselves about to die.
A gigantic shadow appears in the stairwell, and begins walking up.
Aaaaand...
That's where I cut. We only did a few minutes, but got pretty far.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Here's the new session, two weeks late. Sorry, all. [Insert joke about lack of people who care]
Session 9: The Smashorcist
Spoiler
All the troops get the jitters at the same moment, and finish readying. Hammers *****pulled all the way back on rifles (EDIT: because the word "cocked" can only be a curse word, right? Grrrrr.... Forum Filter), spells readied. Then, it happens.
Well, kind of. Gruek begins to see tons of really tough looking soldiers walking up. Huge guys, a dozen of them, flanking the one gigantic shadow....
Which shadow, by the way, is an eight year old girl.
Just thought you should know.
She looks totally innocent, actually, and starts mind-probing Gruek to prove it. Turns out that she's the girl from back in the Plane of Damnation, when Gruek dove in (see session #4.5). She is also the demon from session #5. WOAH! It's a Chekov's BRICK!
He gets hit with a modified version of the Memory Modification (modified as in able to actually beat his saves), which allows the girl to show him her memories: guards as their about to execute her, guards as they throw a little girl into a plane of eternal torture, things like that.
Just as Gruek snaps out of the trance, the little girl stumbles... and all Hell breaks loose. Literally. You see, she's in fifty pounds of chains, which are attached to the giant guards in front of her. So, she falls, and dislocates her arm.
Gruek leaps into action, trying to figure out what on earth is going on: who's done what, and why on earth is this girl the most dangerous criminal on the face of the multiplanes?
A cleric quickly heals the girl, but not before she stares down one of her hulking level 20 guards into a fetal position. At that point, she speaks. "WHO WOULD DARE HURT HER!?!?!"
WAIT. A raspy, deep, roaring voice? WUT IS THIS SORCERY?
She continues talking, but it's not her voice: she's saying different words, it would seem, if she could actually be heard over the volume of--- SWEET CELESTIA THERE'S A... so, yeah, turns out the girl's under the "protection" of a
demon, who explodes into view. She appears to.. not be having fun.
A giant, thirteen-armed Balor is now standing on top of an eight-year old girl, surrounded by hundreds of his closest enemies.
Did I mention he has four magical chainguns? No? How forgetful of me.
He has four chainguns.
So, he opens fire, and each of the guns is ripping out dozens of gigantic bullets. To give you an equivalent of the damage, he's basically wielding 4 A-10 Thunderbolt-IIs. (Link.)
Things are not going well.
So, Gruek is running across the room to hit this thing, and in the time he does, tons of people have shot at it, lots of spells and traps went off, and the thing is alive. Oh, and nobody else is.
So, it's Gruek, the monster, the Troll cleric, and the still-oblivious Professor.
Turns out that the demon is actually subject to Gruek... some... because ALL demons are subject to him. Right, right... got it. So, Gruek tells him to stop firing. The beast complies -after everyone is dead. Gruek tells him to let the girl go. As it happens, the Balor is sworn to protect this girl, and is summoned instantly whenever she is injured, and leaves when she is safe.
Our half-ogre hero decides that the demon probably isn't a suitable guardian and proceeds to pummel his lights out to exorcise him. The demon decides that being punched in the face should be stopped, and proceeds to turn four thirty-millimeter magical chainguns on our hero.
So, let's talk for a minute, here, about how this chaingun works. Mechanical boring stuff:
There were three operational guns going off (I should have had four, but, whatever, it went well anyway). Each one fires 1d20 bullets.There's one attack roll for the whole gun, and if that hits, each bullet does 1d10+mod damage, which is all added together through a feat.
In case you're wondering, I hombrewed the gun.
Each of the guns is on fully automatic, firing 30 millimeter bullets. For a comparison of the size, take two of your fingers and stick it against your heart. That is the size of the bullets going through Gruek. Fifty of them per round.
FINALLY. I made a character who is actually level appropriate. You know how good it felt to have an encounter be tough? I don't know, since the encounter wasn't. I'll tell you how I feel after I pull out one that actually gives him a run for his money.
They pause for a moment to stare each other down, and yell about each other's relative weakness. Gruek gives a... "demonic roar."
It's an indicator
>.>
Of what will come
<.<
When he becomes the Lord of Hell.
Yeah, nothin' to see here.
And, with the characteristic of all villains, the balor -girl still trapped with him- runs.
Great way to end it, right? No. Maybe.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Woah. It's been a long time since updates, hasn't it? Let's get it on, then.
Session 10: I guess it had to happen sometime, or, Inevitable Big T Battle
Spoiler
So we cut back to the Prof and Gruek back at the school, where the Professor is doing studying. He figures out that there's some sort of relevant important plot point ancient evil hidden away in the jungle on the near-deserted continent of Wildfell.
He is teleported there, but there's a mistake, and he pops up a few hundred feet from his destination. A few hundred feet *higher* that is. So, after ignoring three hundred feet of fall damage, AGAIN, Gruek realizes the real problem at the embassy he's been teleported to.
Hundreds of soldiers are dead in its courtyard, the thick stone walls ahve been torn into pieces, and carnage is everywhere. Oh, and a live terrasque is currently climbing up to eat Gruek alive.
Nothing much, really.
Our half-ogre climbs inside the tower, to meet two of the surviving members of the embassy, Darik and Felix, the ambassador and his assistant. They explain that attack was sudden (not sure how a sixty foot smashing beast could move through thick jungle stealthily. I guess they had poor spot mods.)
Darik, the ambassador, tries to force Gruek to sign a ton of waivers and forms, but, the hero being who he is, shoves them back, runs to the window, and prepares for epicness.
So, what is his method of attack? Climbing down? Using flight? NOPE. He leaps off of the side of a hundred foot tower, onto a roaring Terrasque.
Oh soul, I love this game. So, so, much.
I haven't even gotten to the good part, either.
So, Gruek is now on the ground, fighting the monster to end all monsters... doing pretty well, too. He picks the thing up and throws it across the courtyard (it's pretty handy to be able to lift over a million pounds...). He holds it up under the full force of its strength. He punches it in the FACE!
"I'm a MAAAAAAAHN." PUNCH. That's how it went down.
Then, we get a twist: another enemy showed up, the mysterious shadow-monster from session 3.
Yay for story elements coming back together!
OH NOES! It is the end again! Welp, thanks for reading! Comment, rate, like, subscribe.... oh, wait. Stupid YouTube infecting me.
You can comment, though!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Session 11, Shadow of Isra... Wait, no. Just Shadow.
Spoiler
So, a Big T Showdown was interrupted by a mysterious shadowy figure, the one who escaped from jail earlier. Turns out that the shadow actually knew that the Terrasque had been released, and so showed up at the remote embassy, too.
However, it tells Gruek to keep pounding the beast, while it watches. The half-ogre, always eager to smack something in the face, obliges. The monster starts chucking cottage-sized pieces of wall.
Then, epic thing #82834839 of the 11 sessions happens. So, there's a gigantic chunk of solid stone, several orders of magnitude larger than our hero, headed towards him at terminal velocity, and what does he do?
HE PUNCHES IT BACK.
Good heavens, I need some sort of a coping mechanism for this game. Seriously.
So, after shattering a two-ton rock with one fist, Gruek begins a counter-attack, running across the courtyard and leaping on the creature.
You know, in most games, that last sentence would be the high point, the extreme epicness of any, ANY given session. Not this game. Just wow.
Gruek hurtles through the air, smashing into the Big T's head straight on, after, of course, dodging ten-foot spines hurled at him in midair. Then, the half-ogre is chucked back across the embassy, clear to the other side. He just stands up and smacks it in the face again.
The shadow follows leisurely, having forgotten his popcorn, but enjoying the fight nevertheless. Seriously, this guy was way too chill about watching an eldritch horror and an ancient demon-lord's ward do battle. I mean, couldn't he at least get a TV crew on call? (More on that later!)
We cut away, and I do a bunch of calculations (my player is extremely patient to sit through mathematically-challenged me being particular about damage-per-round calcs), to determine an hour's worth of combat between two characters with regen.
Turns out, they're pretty evenly matched: neither was significantly close to death. So, Mr. Shadow steps forward, and, in an entirely overpowered way, just shoos off the Terrasque, before turning to Gruek. Gotta love epic levels.
Gruek gets up in his grill, because the hero wanted to fry him some Terrasque steaks. Seriously, those things are great in a teryaki baste.
Of course, the shadow indicates that battle wasn't going nearly as well as Gruek thought, and another mystic statement, classic of a good villain:
"So little, little you know..."
In other news, there is apparently a 50,000 character limit to any one post. Hmmmph. I'll just post this and #10 in my second-down one.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
I'll check and see if my player would allow me to... He's very protective of his identity; just like any good superhero should be, of course. I can tell you this: he counts his above-head-load in the hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Food for thought.
Also, note to self: never use strength challenges. Ever again.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Sorry about taking so long! Even life's continual uppercuts are not an excuse.
Session 12, or, Pauuuuuuse for Dramatic Affect
Spoiler
So, Gruek is toe-to-toe with the mysterious shadow that shooed away a Terrasque. Good heavens, what is he going to do to my notes? Well, he decides *not* to smack his face in quite yet, and asks a few basic questions. Who are you, why are you here, the basic pleasantries and small talk. The Shadow talks with him, mysteriously signing pieces of paper with his blood.
That can't be bad AT ALL. Nope.
So, turns out the Shadow (I need another name, and fast. That's grating already.) was just stalling for time in what was a characteristically uncliche action, and was actually signing pacts with demons for power. Well, then. Come out from your corners fighting, men!
The two lay into each other for a bit, and it's clear that the Shadow, despite its wings, claws, and all the other things, is just not going to cut it. So, he decides to pull out some real spells.
In a freakishly desperate turn of events, Gruek fails the first save in 12 sessions (maybe second? I don't know....) and becomes paralyzed for about ten seconds. Juuuuuust long enough for the evil guy to make a snide remark and plant a long claw in his chest.
Wait. Gruek's.... dead. Just.... plain dead. How does that work, anyway? He technically doesn't have a soul (No, he's not a ginger, he's a demon. Similar, but different.) which makes his afterlife awkward. So, he shows up at the headquarters of his liege/master/role-model Zerkahn the Balor-Paladin Lord of Hell. Yeah.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that there's a massive army? My oh my, I keep forgetting. There's a massive army. Now I've mentioned it.
Anyway, the demons of Hell think Gruek's come down just to look at their prep, and give him a tour of the place. Then, they begin to show him the super-ultra secret weapon, which is....
Resurrection.
You didn't seriously think I'd show Gruek and you guys the ultimate power of the enemy this early in the game? He's gained two levels so far, that's it! So, no. He gets rezzed by the Shadow, who explains that he's offering a deal.
Gruek, unfazed by the fact that his ribcage is being closed up in front of his eyes or that this man killed him two minutes ago, listens politely. Serious hero material.
The Shadow says that for reasons of his own, he's going to not annoy Gruek, if Gruek leaves him alone. He'll follow along after him. Promises to obey laws, even.
The catch? He gets to follow Gruek. Oh, and he doesn't get hunted down. Mysterious, mysterious indeed.
And, a good place to end the session!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Well, this session was certainly the most interesting we've had in a while: no one got smacked upside the face. Nope. Not even Chuck Terrasquea.
So, Gruek is left by the Shadow-Demon, and then, suddenly, REPORTERS!
And so the scourge of the planet shows up again, those idiots from the press.
Gruek pretty much waves 'em off in true badass style (Never saw the Dovakhiin sitting down with Barbara Walters, did you?) and moves to more interesting people: the Troll Cleric from Sessions 8/9, the Drow (yes, I swear he's important!), and, of course, The Professor. Can't see that guy enough, right? Right...?
Torrim Redara, the Drow spokesperson, says he wants Gruek to endorse his product. Gruek decides to skip the fine print and do that later. The Professor offers kind words of advice, including fine words on "Stranger Danger." Then, finally, the Troll Cleric speaks: with the first side quest! The idea is that Gruek has to return to his father's tribe, cause something isn't quite right there.
So, he brushes it off to do later. After pushing away the remaining reporters, he sets out for his true purpose! (Which we had both forgotten.)
One archive-dig later, we realized that he needed to be heading to an ancient temple in the nearby ruins. So he did!
Climbing up to the top of the ruins, he finds a rather odd lock: it's circular, with innumerable interlocking arms. Also, it's keeping him from going inside.
Well, it was inches away from begin the first casualty of the night, but he realized there was a door at the base of the pyramid (yay for terrible perception modifiers?), and walks in. After doing some investigating, the structure seems... odd.
First, the ceilings are eleven or twelve feet tall, indicating extremely large size occupant(s). Second, there's a lot of magic. A LOT OF IT. From weird power-axes to floating tables, everything's tripping with a purple dusty dweomer.
After examining the area for a while, Gruek enters a very, very, large room, almost like a cathedral...
Oh, or a prison for the largest, most dangerous beast known to mankind.
Either way.
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Well, sorry about the incredibly extended break... we've gotten to session 17 or so, but I ahve just not updated... fail me.
Session 14: Datapads, Databases, and Future-ancient-technology of Plot Revelation!
Spoiler
Turns out that the Big T is kinda trapped here.. but can still attack. So, Gruek ducks and prepares to wallop the hiney of the biggest monster in the book... and nothing happens. Apparently, the prison actually *DOES* work, and the monster can't do any physical damage.
Gruek, being the badass that he is, decides that he can leave the beast in the prison, and skips off to do some investigating. Moving up the pyramid temple, he finds an ancient... telecommunications room?
There's a guard post with a number of CA (Closed-Arcana) TVs inside, with parameter cameras and datapads and Ar'ist computer-esque things. Oh, and an AI, which, in break with tradition, does not seem to want to kill him. So, he starts asking a few questions, examining what it's got to say.
It seems that our boy, Zerkahn (Demon Paladin and whose Oath is currently bound to Gruek), has a history... in fact, he made the Terrasque sentient.
Yeah, the Big T now has an Int score OVER 10. Sadly, though, Zerkahn also decided to give it a special rot named after him, and so the beast had to be removed from the world. The half-ogre we know and love decides to just upload the rest of the information, after making sure that the fort can hold in the big T. He'll let the Professor deal with all that stuff.
Moving back, he indeed uses the Teleport circle to return to the Prof, drops the info on his desk, and without even a "kthxbai" he's off to save his dad!
__________________
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
Quote:
Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique ever... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
RSS Feeds: 
Heroes and History, a PF Campaign Journal
That encounter was CR+4, and none of the NPCs were available to help. Besides that, he was the guy who was directing all of the traps and such. Sooooo by killing this guy he got to bypass everything. Oh well... Here burns Noteathor, Son of Campaignathor, Steward of Gondor. You were a good note, and deviously hard.)
DC 40 should do the trick...) that has ever been made on the mortal plane. The Prof is covered head to toe, even fingers, in a robe. With an unlimited tab, all of their other money safely stored extradimensionally, and a lot of time, what could go wrong? 
one little question though... how in the heck did he survive the fall??? Sheer epicness? Or intervention from the RDG?
*plot portal* oh yeah! The campaign log! I like it a lot and would love to try playing a Gruek-esque uber tank someday
