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Old 08-03-2012, 07:19 AM   Top  -  End  -  #181
happyturtle
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Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

You know how PCs just up and take you by surprise sometimes? That's what happened to me and Wolfy when Missy and Jyarl ended up fallling for each other as they bonded over little Jefferies Hellstomper. Unfortunately, their story got rushed a little by Wolfy's impending absence, but it was still fun to write.

Jyarl / Missy / Jefferies
Part 1: Opening Up
Spoiler





This story is set a few weeks later. During this time, no commitments have been made or promises spoken, but Missy has been staying over every few nights.

Jyarl / Missy / Jefferies
Part 2: Waking Up
Spoiler





And this one, a few weeks on from that.

Jyarl / Missy / Jefferies
Part 3: Dressing Up
Spoiler
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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-03-2012 at 02:11 PM.
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:23 AM   Top  -  End  -  #182
happyturtle
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Story reviews:

Wolfy

Edijar's Death: I always loved Edijar, and I loved this death scene, so when it wasn't used, I was disappointed. But then so much wonderful roleplay came about after he would have been dead that I'm very glad circumstances made this story non-canon. Charity is also very glad.

Tale of the Beginning and Dark Step: Loved the mythic feel of these - that's very hard to capture. And of course the Wolfen are a favourite PC species of mine. Why don't I have a Wolfen character?

The Fall of the Firebrand: After I read the March Upcountry series (particularly the naval battles in We Few) that you had recommended, I could see the influence. You're a really talented writer, and I hope you keep it up and eventually work on getting published - when you're not being an EMT and saving lives.

Tualth and the Three Trials: Very reminiscent of the 1001 Nights. Shame we had to read it instead of seeing it on stage.

Last Stand on Abbott and Costello:
I love your death scenes, and this one reminds me that Carol deserves more screen time eventually. Because Ghurkas are badass.

Origins: Not my favourite of your stories, because it has an air of distance to it. Your talents are better at the close up and personal.

Another story I thought of that needs to be copied over to this thread is Mortal Coil in Hell.




Kerfuffle

Memories series: The pacing on this is really slow, and one thing that seems missing is how Zel feels about the things happening to her. Being told in first person, there should be more emotional content to the memories.

Sisters series: I'm not crazy about the 'I'm so evil, lulz!' character type that Zavi seems to represent, but the life bond is interesting. I like playing with that theme - my Jekyll/Hyde characters (Gus/Jake and Billie/Elaine) are two personalities in the same body, while Felis and Vita share all their thoughts and memories but don't share physical sensations. I suppose it has a lot in common with the theme of lycanthropy, demonic possession - basically the idea of one's self not being entirely autonomous.




Earl


Mrs Bloodplunder:
I do hope we see more of her after the wedding. Especially her and her husband falling in love.




Magtok

Post Death Mag Journal: I believe I promised to visit you and shove sharks down your throat if you don't start writing for publication. I meant that.




Rotting Baron

The Operative:Still very mysterious, but I'm interested enough to keep reading.




McBish


Finding the Broom: Part 1 reads like a fairy tale which, like writing mythology, is very hard to get right. Part 2 I found more confusing, and I'm not sure I understand what happened.




Morty

Rise of the Prophet: I loved the idea of the human sympathist being named Dipsnig. The Nexus Dipsnig would be disgusted, I imagine. And the end approaches... I never expected the Prophet to parlay with the enemy though.




Serph

Part 1 is interesting enough to make me want to read more. Part 2 probably shouldn't have been posted until it was finished, since if you edit in more, people are unlikely to see it.




Beans

Vesa Landers: There's not enough here to really make anything of. I've seen enough of your writing to know you're talented, but you have a tendency to hop around between characters and stories so much that you don't flesh out many of them as much as you could. Of course, ffrp is for having fun, and if that's what's fun for you, then hop like a bunny.

Nycca Eat Nothing: A little more explanation of why Nycca is done with this world would probably help this, but that's a problem when writing in first person. You can only say what the character themselves would say.




C'nor

Dreams and Nightmares: As a Remnant player, I object to it being 'canon' that Remnant refused to investigate a report of a slave brothel. That is so very out of character for Remnant that it just isn't possible. One of my Remnant characters, Tracey Elton, is a former prostitute herself, and would certainly take such a report seriously. Other than that, there is definitely potential here. Maybe the brothel could be in Riverside or some anonymous city rather than Inside, if you want it to never have been investigated.




Mindfreak

Kirlia: So a ten year old was sent alone to conquer a planet? Wut? I think this must be a fandom I'm completely unfamiliar with.




Orchestra

Laneside Bowling: I insist that Justin host a bowling party sometime. Brand would be glad to cater.




Replies to comments on my stories:


@ Kerf: I won't be revisiting Chelonie's backstory. She was my first Nexus character, and her whole origin has so many inconsistencies that I'd have to completely reinvent her to make her a plausible character.

@ Orch: I'm glad you liked my trans woman depiction. I've been close friends with several, and it's something I would want to get right. The Jekyll/Hyde thing was strongly influenced by the BBC mini-series Jekyll, which I highly highly recommend. (Fans of Doctor Who will be familiar with the screenwriter Stephen Moffat, as he wrote some of the best episodes with Doctors Ecclestone and Tennant before taking over as head writer for the eleventh Doctor.)

@ Morty: I really should have done Charlie's end months ago, but now that the cult is active again, perhaps Sophie will get involved in trying to bring them to justice.

@ Earl: I'd love for Hellstomper to meet Mrs Bloodplunder. Though as my latest story entry shows, Hellstomper has slowly started becoming civilized. Outrage! As for Xifra, when I created her, I gave her the always on 'ignore me' field as an afterthought without realizing it would completely dominate her character. The reason she fell in love so deeply with Salome was because Salome needed her, something she'd never experienced before in her life. It's really creepy that a pair of evil Slaaneshi cultists should get a happy ever after, but it somehow worked out that way.

@ Morty: The "Billie and Elaine learn to cooperate" arc was hard to write simply because the outcome wasn't in doubt. They knew they had to do it, if only because their sons were going to use emotional weaponry to make them. That might be why that part of the story was less compelling.

@ Orchestra: Your feedback here made me feel awesome.

@ All authors: Stories updated through post 181. As always, check your entries.
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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-03-2012 at 01:32 PM.
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Old 08-03-2012, 12:06 PM   Top  -  End  -  #183
Beans
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happyturtle View Post



Beans

Vesa Landers: There's not enough here to really make anything of. I've seen enough of your writing to know you're talented, but you have a tendency to hop around between characters and stories so much that you don't flesh out many of them as much as you could. Of course, ffrp is for having fun, and if that's what's fun for you, then hop like a bunny.

Nycca Eat Nothing: A little more explanation of why Nycca is done with this world would probably help this, but that's a problem when writing in first person. You can only say what the character themselves would say.




C'nor

Dreams and Nightmares: As a Remnant player, I object to it being 'canon' that Remnant refused to investigate a report of a slave brothel. That is so very out of character for Remnant that it just isn't possible. One of my Remnant characters, Tracey Elton, is a former prostitute herself, and would certainly take such a report seriously. Other than that, there is definitely potential here. Maybe the brothel could be in Riverside or some anonymous city rather than Inside, if you want it to never have been investigated.
Feedback to the feedback:

1. Issue of hopping. I'm aware of this issue of mine and it kind of bothers me; I tend to lose focus and/or get new ideas I want to try... basically all the time, leaving me incapable of finishing anything at all, which is frustrating at best and "I'm going to light myself on fire" at worst. I'm flattered that you'd say I'm talented () but that talent is being wasted until I actually stick with something. Since I'm kind of working/poised to be working/herp with C'nor and Psiclone and Murkus on Vesa's story and solidly working with C'nor on the whole Talina/Nycca thingydoodle, that may hopefully keep my attention more stable.

2. Issue of needs more explanation. Another good point from the lady who makes good points? NAWW MAAAN. I'm going to try to get more explanation in, possibly involving a journal entry recorded before Nycca fell into slavery---a sort of "entry -1", perhaps followed by an in-slavery "entry 0"---and/or a pertinent non-Nycca entry. I'll try to get on it this afternoon after getting my new glasses; cross your fingers that I won't just collapse and watch 2-year-old Wrestle! Wrestle! reviews.

3. Issue of Remnant would totally care. Since this story is one side of C'nor and I's collaboration, I support the brothel being not in Inside (I've never officially specified where it was to my knowledge).

Thanks to all people who read my keyboard herpings.
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Old 08-03-2012, 02:57 PM   Top  -  End  -  #184
OrchestraHc
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Btw, C'nor, I forgot to thank you for the typo list. I got everything. Thanks for the help.
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Old 08-03-2012, 05:47 PM   Top  -  End  -  #185
Morty
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happyturtle View Post
Morty

Rise of the Prophet: I loved the idea of the human sympathist being named Dipsnig. The Nexus Dipsnig would be disgusted, I imagine. And the end approaches... I never expected the Prophet to parlay with the enemy though.
He's not parlaying with the enemy, though. None of the three leaders like one another very much, but they're not enemies right now. The Empire is their enemy, because they hate it so much they're willing to put aside all their differences until it's wiped off the map. Maybe I should have emphasized it more.
Besides.... he's a goblin prophet. Underhanded trickery is to be expected.
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Old 08-03-2012, 08:37 PM   Top  -  End  -  #186
happyturtle
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Luke Goodfellow
Little Person. Big World.
Spoiler
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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-04-2012 at 02:00 AM.
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Old 08-03-2012, 10:18 PM   Top  -  End  -  #187
Wolfbane
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Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

I'll try to comment properly on more later, but there is one that needs to be addressed first.

@C'nor and Beans

First, like Happy said, it's so out of character for Remnant not to investigate even a rumor of slavery(let alone a slave brothel), that it's not even funny. As often as Inside changes, there has always been a complete and utter ban on slavery within it's confines, and is one of the few true laws that Remnant reinforces.

Second, I'm much more bothered by the fact that I wasn't asked for permission to use Remnant in a story. I know it's an Organization, but until I leave, I'm still very much the leader of it. I wasn't even asked for what Remnant would do if contacted about such.

On a similar note, while I'm gone, four people will be in charge of Remnant. Teru, Ghar, Happy, and Morty. Please PM them for permission in future stories. And do so to all of them. The Majority decides.
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Old 08-04-2012, 06:29 AM   Top  -  End  -  #188
Wolfbane
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Meeting of Champions - Trisha

Spoiler
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:10 AM   Top  -  End  -  #189
KerfuffleMach2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happyturtle View Post
Kerfuffle

Memories series: The pacing on this is really slow, and one thing that seems missing is how Zel feels about the things happening to her. Being told in first person, there should be more emotional content to the memories.

Sisters series: I'm not crazy about the 'I'm so evil, lulz!' character type that Zavi seems to represent, but the life bond is interesting. I like playing with that theme - my Jekyll/Hyde characters (Gus/Jake and Billie/Elaine) are two personalities in the same body, while Felis and Vita share all their thoughts and memories but don't share physical sensations. I suppose it has a lot in common with the theme of lycanthropy, demonic possession - basically the idea of one's self not being entirely autonomous.
I know the pacing is a little bit slow for Memories at the moment, and that's mostly cause I'm getting into the part with the most story to it. This part will also tie in to the Base Spirits from her world. I will try to add more of her thoughts and feelings to it. Not very good at that, but, hey, need to practice, right?

As for Sisters, I think you might have meant Ivaz for the "I'm so evil!" character. With Zavi, it's supposed to be less about her liking it, and more her just accepting it. More of "Eh, whatever" sort of thing. Their story won't be as long as Zel's, just cause I don't really have a lot worked out for it. Just felt the need to get it out there.
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Old 08-04-2012, 10:29 AM   Top  -  End  -  #190
C'nor
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Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Alright, this is the official version, rewritten so as not to have Remnant involved, though Part 3 on should still make sense even if you've only read the originals:

Dreams and Nightmares (Rewritten) - Part 1: Entrance (Talina, Nycca)


Spoiler


Dreams and Nightmares (Rewritten) - Part 2: Cleansing Flames (Talina, Nycca)


Spoiler


This part hasn't changed, but if I'm reposting the other two, I figured there was no reason not to put this one up again at the same time...

Dreams and Nightmares - Part 3: That Sleep of Death...


Spoiler
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I support the godly magazine idea, and hope that Eld can serve as mix of town crier and incredibly deadpan game show host in some sections. Also, for some odd reason, he will also make appearance when it comes to godly fashion tips, for even if he is grim reaper he will be the most bishounen god there is. Just you wait
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Damn you and your comprehensive understanding of synergistic tactics. :|
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Old 08-04-2012, 11:23 AM   Top  -  End  -  #191
Beans
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Nycca Eat Nothing, Entries 3, −1, & 0
(Nycca)
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:20 PM   Top  -  End  -  #192
DoomITP
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Hey, everyone. For my own writing of characters on the FFRP area, the one thing that bothered me about my own was how little substance was given to one of my own character's back story. So I decided that I would put together a few entries. I hope you like em.

The First
Spoiler
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:27 PM   Top  -  End  -  #193
happyturtle
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Sue Stonethrower
Second Chance
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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-04-2012 at 11:44 PM.
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Old 08-04-2012, 06:30 PM   Top  -  End  -  #194
C'nor
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Dreams and Nightmares - Part 0: Thank you, please come again (Talina, Nycca)

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I support the godly magazine idea, and hope that Eld can serve as mix of town crier and incredibly deadpan game show host in some sections. Also, for some odd reason, he will also make appearance when it comes to godly fashion tips, for even if he is grim reaper he will be the most bishounen god there is. Just you wait
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonwolf
Damn you and your comprehensive understanding of synergistic tactics. :|
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"... OW! Also om nom nom, delicious heat but OW!"

Last edited by C'nor : 08-05-2012 at 05:31 AM.
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Old 08-05-2012, 01:45 PM   Top  -  End  -  #195
Beans
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@Doomy: Your story is interesting, but I'm a little confused---I think the person in question is Grant, but it's honestly pretty vague. Then again, this is just the first part, so future chapters might be more clear; I just think it might have been good to have this first entry be a little clearer.

@Happy: This may sound weird, but I'm honestly not the right person to review this story. I can tell there's lots going on among all the characters involved, but I have very little idea who any of them are (which is on my head anyway) and as such I'm not really able to appreciate what I'm sure is a great and touching story. Sorry.
---
And here's my next entry in the D&N/NEN storyline.
Nycca Eat Nothing, Entry #4
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Spoiler
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:56 PM   Top  -  End  -  #196
happyturtle
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@ Beans: It's okay. The character arc started so long ago I doubt anyone even remembers it (or cares) other than me and Wolfy. I wrote the story for him as a sort of going away present because he wanted a happy ending for the characters, and we'd never seen a way to do it.

For anyone interested:
Spoiler
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Old 08-09-2012, 05:50 PM   Top  -  End  -  #197
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The Dawn
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@Happy: Thanks for the feedback Happy. Yeah the second part I felt was weaker. I sort of rushed through it to get it done I think. It might make since in my head, but necessarily when I type it up. Might rewrite it sometime to clear it up.

I really enjoyed Second Chance as well. I picked up on pretty much what was going on in it without too much trouble. I will admit I though Sue was Female for way to long into this story. Sometimes my reading comprehension can suck. I liked the jumps through time that gave it the real sense of it taking a long time to really have the relationship grow into something special.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:10 PM   Top  -  End  -  #198
Wolfbane
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*pops in for just a moment from away-ness to toss in a story*

Final Rites - Trisha

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Old 08-12-2012, 06:40 PM   Top  -  End  -  #199
Lord Magtok
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Patient 413 - Dr. Stroffelnburg, Titular Character Who I'd Rather Not Name-Drop Right Away. Oh, and this is Non-Canon

Spoiler


Comments, explanations, etc. to come in later edit or something.
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Old 08-12-2012, 09:17 PM   Top  -  End  -  #200
Reinholdt
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Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Made me laugh. A little creepy. Dr. S is so going to get a pen jabbed through his head somehow.

It's like treating the Joker though. A terrible idea at the best of times. ._.
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:18 PM   Top  -  End  -  #201
Lord Magtok
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Patient 413, Part 2

Spoiler



Explanation Owed To Everyone: This is Stroffelnburg. This is what used to be his Psychiatric Hospital. What wasn't around when all of this stuff happened, but if he was, this story is my best guess as to what might've occurred instead.

Anyways, Part 2 is a little short, mostly because I owe Jacklu a post in the MagCave right now, and also because I just made it up as I went along, instead of tinkering with it in a Word document for a day or so until everything was just right.

Oh, and on an unrelated note, everything Happy and Wolfy write in this thread is gold. *Skedaddles to go post now*
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:11 PM   Top  -  End  -  #202
happyturtle
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Jyarl / Jefferies / Missy
Part 4: Tumbling Down

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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-13-2012 at 07:52 PM.
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Old 08-14-2012, 02:28 AM   Top  -  End  -  #203
OrchestraHc
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It's a pretty good thing remnant has more than enough clout to keep Jeffries with Jyarl.

And on the off chance that doesn't work, at least Jyarl had planned for running away.
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Old 08-14-2012, 04:48 AM   Top  -  End  -  #204
happyturtle
Troll in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
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The Turtle's Dream
Gender: Female
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

That's the flaw in the story premise. Remnant is tasked with enforcing the laws, and theoretically can break the law with impunity. Sort of have to squint and imagine a lot of political infrastructure that isn't actually there onscreen for the story to work. >.>
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Old 08-14-2012, 10:48 AM   Top  -  End  -  #205
happyturtle
Troll in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
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The Turtle's Dream
Gender: Female
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Jyarl / Jefferies / Missy
Part 5: Figuring Out

Spoiler
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Last edited by happyturtle : 08-16-2012 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:23 PM   Top  -  End  -  #206
OrchestraHc
Orc in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

It's worth mentioning even with out suspending my "Remnant Clout" belief, that was still really tense.

Jefferies might be one of my favorite things to read. I love everything about her. Attitude, her dialect, how she interacts with people, all of it.
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Old 08-16-2012, 11:58 AM   Top  -  End  -  #207
Wolfbane
Ogre in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Male
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*waves from hospital as I help my sister after her baby arriving*

Wrote this a couple nights ago. Working on others when I find the time.

The First Night - Vita/Rugal

Spoiler


For those who don't know, Rugal is one of my V'traani. To put it simply, they are a matriarchal tribal society where only 1 in 20 are born male and they gain strengths through ritual cannibalism and devouring of honored foes and prey. There's a lot more to it, but that's the base of it.
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Old 08-16-2012, 12:35 PM   Top  -  End  -  #208
Wolfbane
Ogre in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Male
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Showtime- Cassius Godlark

Spoiler
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Old 08-16-2012, 01:04 PM   Top  -  End  -  #209
happyturtle
Troll in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: 
The Turtle's Dream
Gender: Female
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Jyarl / Jefferies / Missy
Part 6: Listening In

Spoiler
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Old 08-20-2012, 04:40 PM   Top  -  End  -  #210
Morty
Titan in the Playground
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: 
Poland
Gender: Male
Default Re: [Nexus] Stories etc

Not sure if anyone cares, but my motivation to write the last part of Rise of the Prophet is pretty much gone. I might pick it up later, or I might not. Writing anything else is equally unlikely.
Instead, I'll offer some comments. Not to everyone, I'm afraid, so I used an entirely objective criterium (i.e. what I felt like) to pick them.

@ New Location Discovered: Amusing. Inside being what it is, finding an abandoned building that still has power and water isn't too hard. Of course, Justin was lucky it wasn't haunted or worse.

@ Jefferies: Great, really great. The romance between Jyarl and Missy doesn't really do it for me, but the little orc girl and Jyarl's struggle to hold on to her are really endearing. The human supremacist is appropriately slimy... the kind of racist you actually meet in real life.

@ Luke Goodfellow: Adorable. Poor Carl, though.

@ Meeting of Champions: This one is kind of strange. I've never liked stories about inter-planar wars, to be honest. But the constrast between the various armies and champions made it really colorful, so to speak.

@ Second chance: I'm really not the one to appreciate relationship drama, but it was good for what it was.

@ Final Rites: Not sure what to make of it. It feels like I'm lacking some context.

@ The Final Night: This one really didn't do anything for me, I'm sorry to say. I have no idea who the characters are and it feels too much like dry exposition.

@ Showtime: Hah. It's amusing to see adopting his father's approach to life backfiring on Cassius.
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