Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[DeadManSleeping]

Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Five years old and growing. This isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

A list - courtesy of Pheehelm

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

-We are not allowed to dispense advice that should be handled by a professional, including psychological or medical advice.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka

Previous thread: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time to Go Bar-Hopping

[Heliomance]

Is the title apropos of something?

[The Succubus]

I'd have gone with a reference to Catch-22 as it's remarkably descriptive of many relationships and lack of relationships.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

Is the title apropos of something?

Originally Posted by The Succubus

I'd have gone with a reference to Catch-22 as it's remarkably descriptive of many relationships and lack of relationships.

*cough*

That's exactly what it is a reference to.

[DeadManSleeping]

Originally Posted by Rawhide

*cough*

That's exactly what it is a reference to.

I'm glad SOMEONE is keeping up

It would have been more explicit, but for the character limit on titles

[Syka]

Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping

Three years old and growing.

Five, actually. It be half a decade old, and ready for kindergarten.


I'm glad to see the thread still around. :) Apologies for the absence without warning, there has been a lot going on in my life (both good and stressful) the last while. I just haven't had the emotional ability or time to handle much beyond my real life at the moment.

Sadly, this probably does not signify an actual return as of yet. I'll try to keep an eye on it and pop in every now and again, though.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Syka! *gigantic blue furry hugs*

Oh wait, something on topic, a woe.
Girl I was crushing upon and I agreed that we're both way too busy with college at the moment to start anything, so we'd see in some time/when we'd both have more time. But now for her new degree, she'l be going to college across the country, we don't live in a giant country, but still, it sucks. Means from 30 min of travel time to see eachother, it's 5+ hours. She says she'l still visit/come back from weekends, but yeah..

[dehro]

5+ hours..in Holland?
buy a faster donkey

but yeah..I sympathize.
girl I wouldn't mind exploring opportunities with has been in Afghanistan for the better part of a year, will be there for another year and then probably move even further away.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I should, it's faster then the 4 1/2 hour of public transport+ half an hour of cycling from my home to the nearest trainstation

[Heliomance]

So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.

[Pyromancer999]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.

What is an OKC?

[Starwulf]

Originally Posted by Pyromancer999

What is an OKC?

I "Think" it stands for OkCupid, which is an online dating site that is fairly popular by some of the singles in this thread ^^

[Dallas-Dakota]

OKCupid, one of the more popular online dating/meeting sites.

[dehro]

is okc a purely american thing, or is it actually fairly populated here in europe too? I'd hate to create a profile and then find out that these parts are mostly a saussage fest...and a small one at that.

[Heliomance]

I'm in the UK. Reasonable numbers of girls do use it.

[Grinner]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.

Congratulations are in order.

[DeadManSleeping]

As someone who's contacted like 20 people on OKC and had pretty much no luck, I guess I should say "congrats".

And don't worry about OKC being a sausagefest. You can search for females-only. It's a pretty "duh" feature.

[Augulus]

So, I live in my college's dorms, and we have co-ed floors. Which is fun and all, especially seeing as this super cute girl on my floor recently revealed that she has feelings for me. Thing is, I've heard that things like this can get nasty. Any advice?

p.s. I think I'm willing to try to make it work

[DeadManSleeping]

Advice: Give each other space. You will be tempted not to, because you have so many opportunities to be close. Make sure you do not spend too much of your free time on each other. You will both grow to resent it. Additionally, avoid being a jerk. If she's well and truly crazy, there may be nothing you can do, but most people are fairly reasonable, and will not hate you forever if you are not a jerk. Your relationship may end up not working out, but you'll still be able to live near each other. If she turns out to be a jerk, try to be polite after your breakup. If she turns out to be psycho, get some help from your RA and your friends.

Also, use protection. Good protection.

[Castaras]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.

Ooooh, congratulations.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping

Also, use protection. Good protection.

this.

life is different for each of us. there are no sure-fire tips or strategies in these matters. just use common sense and talk to her if there's a problem. other than that, you'll have to figure it out on your own, and learn from your mistakes, like we all did. if it doesn't work, be honest about it with yourself and her.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

Based on feedback from the last thread, here I am.

I fling out messages periodically, but I've only ever gotten two replies (one resulted in a meeting nearby, to overcome the whole initial 'is this person really Charles Manson' issue, the other seeming to go really well until it petered out over the weekend, unfortunately).

[Marillion]

So this girl is either the biggest tease in the entire state, or she is signaling me as hard as she can without getting an air traffic controller involved.

Maybe both.

The problem is, I want more from her than I am likely to get. She is just trying to stay single and "have fun" while in college, and while there's nothing wrong with that...Well, there are girls who I could just "have fun" with without developing those icky complicating feelings. S is not one of them. And I am 98% certain that I wouldn't be the only guy she's "having fun" with. And that's prevented me from making a decision one way or the other; A very large part of me is telling me go for it, that she acts jealous when I talk about other girls, that it'll turn into a real relationship, and even if it doesn't, that I can't afford NOT to take a chance on her. A smaller, but equally persuasive part of me is telling me that, knowing full well what she is looking for, it would be foolish and borderline idiotic to go for it when it can only end in heartbreak for me.

Bah.

Though in other news, another girl-type customer has recently begun talking to/flirting with me while I am at work. I don't see her every day, but when we do we always chat and laugh for way longer than is technically necessary for me to do my job and her to get her food. And from what I hear, she is available. This S situation may have resolved itself...

There are far too many beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girls out there who may actually return my affections for me to waste too much time pining over a girl who may or may not return my affections. Whatever happens with either of these girls, it'll be ok.

[Reluctance]

Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping

use protection. Good protection.

If they're living in the same dorm, it's a little late to give her a fake name.

Maeglin_Dubh: You're at a point right now where any attempt I could think of to improve it would risk losing your voice. Having both a voice of your own and a niche are good things. Heliomance may not be everybody's cup of tea, but he's good at targeting people who like his niche traits.

(Before anyone else here brings it up, being a nerd is not a unique niche. Being a nerd on the internet is like being a snowflake in a blizzard.)

If you've had your account for over two weeks, I might as well leave this link here. We're not exactly talking moderated, so understand that you'll have both trolls and people who are honestly misinformed. Still, there's good stuff there. Even without posting a thread of your own, seeing other people's threads/profiles and seeing what advice they're given can help you hone your own approach.

Speaking of which, if you tend to fall flat, it's always worth asking what sort of messages you send. Messages are at least as important as profiles.

Heliomance: If this is a brag thread now, there's a girl I started talking to last week. I've seen a lot of her since then. And I don't mean that I've been seeing her a lot.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.

[Grinner]

Originally Posted by Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.

If it makes you feel any better, that seems to happen a lot.

[Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll]

Originally Posted by Scotchland

If it makes you feel any better, that seems to happen a lot.

I figure she's still kinda really awesome and amazing and stuff, it just means we ain't gonna be more than friends. Close friends even, maybe, but no more. Aw well. I can live with that.

[Grinner]

Originally Posted by Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

I figure she's still kinda really awesome and amazing and stuff, it just means we ain't gonna be more than friends. Close friends even, maybe, but no more. Aw well. I can live with that.

Well......They say that where there's a will, there's always a way.

[Sholos]

@Reluctance: You think you could take a look at my OKC profile?

[Augulus]

Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol