Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[Karen Lynn]

Originally Posted by ForzaFiori

I find that when you dig down, everyone is royally messed up somehow. Just most people know how to hide it in public.

Some of us just make it look normal. :)

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by ForzaFiori

I find that when you dig down, everyone is royally messed up somehow. Just most people know how to hide it in public.

Yeah ... Well. I am just going to go on a rant now.

Spoiler

So, I have three main groups of close friends. I have my "child-hood" friends, my high school friends, and my European travel friends.

My child-hood friends are, by and large, not ****ed up. They're nice people and they have their flaws and such, but they're honest people and they'd never do anything really, truly wrong. For the most part.

My European travel buddies are ... a mixed group. By and large they have some pretty bad issues, but they're all good people. Lovely people. They're learning to cope with their problems and correct their mistakes.

My high school friends though? They are, in genera;, so ****ed up. One of them was an emotionless wall for the majority of his life and is now clinically depressed. One was kicked out of the army because he either A: Got into a huge fight, B: Failed his psychiatric exam, or C: Failed the physical because his liver's shot from all his drinking; all of these reasons have come from the same person, so to top it all off, he's a chronic liar.

And those are just two of them. I love them all to pieces, but being with them is tearing me apart inside.

[Morph Bark]

So yesterday I nearly ended up coming along with the girl I went out on a date with to a dinner party celebrating her grandma's 90th birthday. She seemed very excited about it at first (at least what I could deduct from her texts, as we talked via texts during work), but in the end backed down, telling me she'd rather not take me along. This was because her family would likely automatically assume me to be her boyfriend, and she asked me my opinion on that. I told her that while I like her for certain, the fact remains that we aren't in a relationship, so she shouldn't introduce me as her boyfriend. Ultimately though, I told her it was up to her what to do, since it's her family and all. She told me that she likes me a lot as well, but that she was too uncertain to take me along to her family, and that she wasn't at all brave. I told her that it was alright and we'd just take things at our own pace and I'd be seeing her next weekend on Sunday, as we'd just before decided to go to the biggest fantasy fair in Europe together.

To be honest, when she asked me what I thought of her family thinking of me being her boyfriend if I came along, on the one hand along the lines of "OH YOU SLY FOX" for asking me in such a manner - which hinted to me that she wanted to know how I felt about her first before confessing herself - and on the other hand "I AM SUBTLE LIKE BULLDOZER", thinking I had been rather obvious in it, as I tend to be rather obvious.

Right now, I'm just hoping I did it all right yesterday and things'll go smooth enough in the near (and far!) future.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Is it simply because I know them well, or is it just bad luck that everyone I really care about is royally ****ed up in some form or another?

I think that when you know people well they stop hiding it as much.
Could also just be bad luck in some cases.

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

So yesterday I nearly ended up coming along with the girl I went out on a date with to a dinner party celebrating her grandma's 90th birthday. She seemed very excited about it at first (at least what I could deduct from her texts, as we talked via texts during work), but in the end backed down, telling me she'd rather not take me along. This was because her family would likely automatically assume me to be her boyfriend, and she asked me my opinion on that. I told her that while I like her for certain, the fact remains that we aren't in a relationship, so she shouldn't introduce me as her boyfriend. Ultimately though, I told her it was up to her what to do, since it's her family and all. She told me that she likes me a lot as well, but that she was too uncertain to take me along to her family, and that she wasn't at all brave. I told her that it was alright and we'd just take things at our own pace and I'd be seeing her next weekend on Sunday, as we'd just before decided to go to the biggest fantasy fair in Europe together.

To be honest, when she asked me what I thought of her family thinking of me being her boyfriend if I came along, on the one hand along the lines of "OH YOU SLY FOX" for asking me in such a manner - which hinted to me that she wanted to know how I felt about her first before confessing herself - and on the other hand "I AM SUBTLE LIKE BULLDOZER", thinking I had been rather obvious in it, as I tend to be rather obvious.

Right now, I'm just hoping I did it all right yesterday and things'll go smooth enough in the near (and far!) future.

Sounds to me like that worked out fairly well, as long as both of you are comfortable at the same pace. Make sure of that by talking about it every so often. But from what both of you said it seems like you're both a big uncertain about being in a relationship just yet, so to me you look to be on the same page.

[AtlanteanTroll]

So, I made this post back on page 36 about a week ago.

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

Was in a group setting with my friends, one of which is the girl I like. We were talking about superheroes and such. Got on to the topic of the recent Spideraman movie. Said I hadn't seen it yet. She said it was terribad. I said my nerdy friends like it, because they do. She casually said we could watch it together and she could point out all the reasons it was terribad. Would bringing this up as something the two of us should do a good idea?

People seemed to think that this was definitely something I should act upon. I haven't had a real chance to, and prior to yesterday, I though it didn't actually mean too much. But now I think it might. And now I don't know how to ask if she's interested. Help?

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

So, I made this post back on page 36 about a week ago.
People seemed to think that this was definitely something I should act upon. I haven't had a real chance to, and prior to yesterday, I though it didn't actually mean too much. But now I think it might. And now I don't know how to ask if she's interested. Help?

If you're interested, you could always just ask her out clearly.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

If you're interested, you could always just ask her out clearly.

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

"Hey, remember saying we should see Spiderman together? How's Friday?"
(I don't know how to ask people out either. But I don't see why that wouldn't work.)

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

"You, me, [the new Spiderman], and [a pizza]," is a classic, IIRC.

[snoopy13a]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

So, I made this post back on page 36 about a week ago.
People seemed to think that this was definitely something I should act upon. I haven't had a real chance to, and prior to yesterday, I though it didn't actually mean too much. But now I think it might. And now I don't know how to ask if she's interested. Help?

It's tough to say whether she made that comment carelessly, or if she was trying to send a signal. Since a week has gone by and she may have forgotten that conversation, I wouldn't ask her to see the spiderman movie.

Instead, just ask her out to coffee.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by dehro

Warning: only effective on people who like Pokemon.

[Castaras]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

"Me Tarzan. You Jane. Big Smoochies?"


Just ask her to a coffee. Comments about how you really like her and want to get to know her better work (if you don't know her that well currently).

"Hey, wanna go <x> together sometime?" also works.

[The Succubus]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I have no idea how to do that and not choke like an idiot.

"Oh sweetest and fairest of maids, would you care to join me this evening to sup upon the food of the Gods whilst a thousand thousand colours and sounds dance for our amusement?

...or if you prefer, we could grab a pizza and see Spiderman afterwards? "

[Xarmad]

Originally Posted by Sholos

I think my biggest problem is I can never think of anything to say, certainly not before some other guy who's around says something that gets all the attention (especially the guys I know that like to completely dominate conversations). Which just leaves me in the corner (or off to the side) being quiet and ignored (if not actively moved away from, which has happened in several occasions and certainly does nothing for what little confidence I might have at the time).

There's also the fact that I'm probably over-worried about how people (well, girls mostly) will react to anything I do/say. Like, I never randomly hug a girl from behind (what might be called glomphing in some circles) because I'm hyper-aware of how that might be taken. Though it seems like other guys can get away with anything...

Another problem I'm having is that people I know keep insisting that I'm interesting, fun to be around, and a great guy. Which is great, but apparently not enough to gather any romantic interest from anyone, which is what I'm wanting and no one seems to understand that all the friends in the world don't change the fact that no one wants to be with me (or even show interest in being with me) on any level above friendship. Or is even attracted to me. Which hurts, but I get the feeling that all the people I know (who are in romantic relationships, by the way) don't understand the concept of not feeling loved and desired. The fact that the only other person in my situation (around my age, never been in a relationship) is... well... kind of pathetic (for the most part) isn't really helping. The fact that the one girl I've met who might actually have been into me at some point was basically stolen by a friend (he went after her at a time that I could not due to her currently being in a different relationship) is really frustrating.

EDIT: Another thing is that I can't say something without mentally being serious about it. I just can't seem to bring myself to say something that I don't really mean (unless I'm teasing someone, which I actually very rarely do). That might also be a problem. I'm just a mess, socially.

Hey you sound like me 4 years ago...
At parties i never talked to other people, because i didn't want to interrupt others and when i was ready to talk, they moved on with the topic
I also think too much, everytime worried what the person might read into it, etc.
And yeah, the same with me that they said i m funny, blah blah blah...
The thing is, there is no one who can hold your hand and say "Come i help you"
1. If you can't talk to girls at a party, don't look for girls at a party. I had 4 girlfriends in my life (with my wife) and i never met any at a party. Library, supermarket, business, sports center, etc.
2. That's something i also never changed, but i guess that i can say that it's my heritage ( i m German)
3. If people WHO KNOW YOU say that, than it normally should be true, so you need to make the girl to see YOU and not the in the corner cowering, and running away from a cat person.
How to show it? Go to a place where you are comfortable, a place where you know what you are doing and offer help, sometimes it also helps to ask for help (depends on the girl) That are usually good starters for a conversation "Can i help you?"

But there is one advice i give to everyone: If you want to find the real deal, don't go and look for it, but keep your eyes open.

(I m happily married to the girl i met on a business trip and we have a beautiful baby girl)

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Warning: only effective on people who like Pokemon.

probably true..then again, I loathe them but still found it funny

[Herpestidae]

Originally Posted by The Succubus

"Oh sweetest and fairest of maids, would you care to join me this evening to sup upon the food of the Gods whilst a thousand thousand colours and sounds dance for our amusement?

...or if you prefer, we could grab a pizza and see Spiderman afterwards? "

Or you could combine the two:

"Milady, I recall that thou hast recently requested my presence at a viewing of the tale of the son of Arachne, where you wished to identify various shortcomings of the narrative. I accept thy offer. When the moon rises on the day of Freya, I will venture to your abode. In addition, I will bring a pizza of which we can partake whilst we conduct our examination."

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Herpestidae

Or you could combine the two:

"Milady, I recall that thou hast recently requested my presence at a viewing of the tale of the son of Arachne, where you wished to identify various shortcomings of the narrative. I accept thy offer. When the moon rises on the day of Freya, I will venture to your abode. In addition, I will bring a pizza of which we can partake whilst we conduct our examination."

Good. Now figure out a way to say "pizza" in Shakespeech without actually saying "pizza".

[Herpestidae]

a pastry of cheese and tomato.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Thanks for the advice guys.

Originally Posted by dehro

*snip*

In all honesty I did think of trying something like this, as she's nerdy enough to get it, but it's not exactly an original idea. So I dunno know.

[ForzaFiori]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Warning: only effective on people who like Pokemon.

Who wants to date someone that ISN'T into pokemon?

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by ForzaFiori

Who wants to date someone that ISN'T into pokemon?

Lame boring people who also don't play Pokemon?
(No serious offense meant to people who don't play Pokemon. That's a personal choice. I just think it's a bad one.)

[Karen Lynn]

Might I suggest something akin to

Spoiler

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Adrian Korvedzk

Might I suggest something akin to

Spoiler

Should probably spoiler that, it's big.

Anyway, do we even know that this person likes Pokemon?

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by ForzaFiori

Who wants to date someone that ISN'T into pokemon?

I wouldn't mind. Just as long as they aren't against Pokemon.

Now granted, she'd have to make up for it with other things!

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

Anyway, do we even know that this person likes Pokemon?

She does. Thanks again for all the advice guys, though, I currently have some bigger issues I need to take care of.

Spoiler

Me and my friends have another friend we're really worried about. They seem to be digging their grave right now, and it's awful. Me and some close friends are going to confront them in a bit but first we're going to get some advice from the school psychiatrist. Wish us like guys. We need it.

[Coidzor]

AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

Depending upon what exactly you mean by that, usually those people are mandatory reporters... Or whatever the term is properly... Which, if it's something serious is probably a good thing anyway.

I wish you all the best in this, and I hope your friend gets the help they need.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by ForzaFiori

Who wants to date someone that ISN'T into pokemon?

me

yes, I know, I started off this whole tangent.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

She does. Thanks again for all the advice guys, though, I currently have some bigger issues I need to take care of.

Spoiler

Me and my friends have another friend we're really worried about. They seem to be digging their grave right now, and it's awful. Me and some close friends are going to confront them in a bit but first we're going to get some advice from the school psychiatrist. Wish us like guys. We need it.

Sounds rough. Good luck.

[AtlanteanTroll]

I think it went about as well as possible. Thankfully. Although this is only the first step. But yeah. I'm glad. Thanks guys.