Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[prufock]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

In that case, continue to hang out with your friends, and at some point simply apologize to her for your earlier behaviour, but leave it at that. No mentions of "what could've been" or "I hoped for [something]" or hugs or such, just apologize, leave it at that, and continue on hanging with your friends. Doing any of those things after apologizing will only nullify your apology and set you back to creepy in her eyes, most likely. Hugging will be acceptable later on if you do it a lot with your other friends as well.

Also, how come you can't spend time with the vast majority of your friends without running into her? Do you always meet up as a large group somewhere?

Absolutely. As for the "can't forgive myself" part, Origomar, from the sounds of things you're still pretty young - late teens/early twenties? Trust me, if you're anything like me, you'll do much worse than this in the next ten-plus years. People make mistakes, they act stupidly, it happens. Just accept it as a mistake, not an innate part of you.

[Origomar]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

If all other things remained equal, but she had been a man, what would your thoughts have been on the matter then?

Frankly, I doubt that "she's a tomboy" is an adequate explanation here. It's just plain immature.



In that case, continue to hang out with your friends, and at some point simply apologize to her for your earlier behaviour, but leave it at that. No mentions of "what could've been" or "I hoped for [something]" or hugs or such, just apologize, leave it at that, and continue on hanging with your friends. Doing any of those things after apologizing will only nullify your apology and set you back to creepy in her eyes, most likely. Hugging will be acceptable later on if you do it a lot with your other friends as well.

Also, how come you can't spend time with the vast majority of your friends without running into her? Do you always meet up as a large group somewhere?

Pretty much. Basically if im doing something with more than 2 or 3 of my friends together, she will be there(most of us are at college so we have to go back home to see one another, or all travel to one of our colleges). How we started hanging out is she invited me and two of my/her friends to her house for study party's for AP econ.

After like the second session we never got anything done lol. I really miss when she treated me like she wanted to be my friend .



edit:

Originally Posted by prufock

Trust me, if you're anything like me, you'll do much worse than this in the next ten-plus years.

lol thats reassuring :P

I basically decided that im not going to try to be with anyone anymore. I don't want a repeat of this. I really liked her and would've been really happy if we were just friends, and i really don't want to lose someone else who i care about just because i couldn't control myself.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

If all other things remained equal, but she had been a man, what would your thoughts have been on the matter then?

Frankly, I doubt that "she's a tomboy" is an adequate explanation here. It's just plain immature.

Indeed, sorry, meant to say that it seemed to me to go quite far beyond that, sorry.

If she were male it wouldn't be quite so awkward to just bluntly ask him to what was going on and to stop if he were flirting with me. Since it's pretty hard to interpret a man being asked to stop flirting by a man as sexual harassment, whereas I've heard enough mutterings and stirrings to be leery of a scenario where a man asked a woman straight out to stop flirting with him in the work place.

[noparlpf]

This describes my current dilemma perfectly:

Spoiler

[Karen Lynn]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

This describes my current dilemma perfectly:

Spoiler

D'awwwww....

*sends many fluffy cuddle bears*

[sktarq]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

This describes my current dilemma perfectly:

Spoiler

Tried a pet-a dog perhaps?

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by sktarq

Tried a pet-a dog perhaps?

I live in a college dorm at the moment.

[Sholos]

noparlpf, I know exactly how you feel, aside from being anti-touch in public. I, too, am touch-starved with no possibility of that disappearing any time soon. It sucks.

[Coidzor]

How are you with small groups?

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

How are you with small groups?

I'm fine, except I still don't like cuddling small groups of people.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I'm fine, except I still don't like cuddling small groups of people.

Ah, from the image and your prior comments, I figured the second image also covered a desire to not be in the same acre as large groups of people, so I was checking to see if it also extended to smaller groups of people or if you could socialize with such, sorry.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Ah, from the image and your prior comments, I figured the second image also covered a desire to not be in the same acre as large groups of people, so I was checking to see if it also extended to smaller groups of people or if you could socialize with such, sorry.

I don't like being in the same acre as other people, especially large groups of them, against my will. Which condition college dorms tend to enforce. I'm trying to move off-campus, but that sort of requires a car to work well, and I can't schedule a road test for about two months, and I don't own a car.
Yeah, I'm fine socialising when it's with a few people I know (as long as they're not trying to cuddle me). I just forgot how to meet people. (I keep spelling it "meat". I've never made that mistake before in my life until this past month. I wonder what that means.)

[hawkboy772042]

@Coidzor

Sounds like you need some counseling. I'd recommend first just trying to join some clubs and see how your socializing arrangement goes from there though.

[hawkboy772042]

Awhile back, my girlfriend at the time was trying to get me to reconcile with my parents. I did (more or less) about 6 months ago, but I'm unsure if I really should give her a call and tell her so (given that I still have lingering feelings for her).

[hawkboy772042]

Awhile back, my girlfriend at the time was trying to get me to reconcile with my parents. I did (more or less) about 6 months ago, but I'm unsure if I really should give her a call and tell her so (given that I still have lingering feelings for her).

[Herpestidae]

Did it end on decent, if not friendly, terms? If so, you can call her and tell her thanks for convincing you, if you think you can handle it without spilling that you still sort of like her.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I don't like being in the same acre as other people, especially large groups of them, against my will. Which condition college dorms tend to enforce. I'm trying to move off-campus, but that sort of requires a car to work well, and I can't schedule a road test for about two months, and I don't own a car.
Yeah, I'm fine socialising when it's with a few people I know (as long as they're not trying to cuddle me). I just forgot how to meet people. (I keep spelling it "meat". I've never made that mistake before in my life until this past month. I wonder what that means.)

Wait, people try to cuddle with you? Nevermind, our situations have that major difference. I don't think anyone has ever tried to cuddle with me.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by hawkboy772042

Awhile back, my girlfriend at the time was trying to get me to reconcile with my parents. I did (more or less) about 6 months ago, but I'm unsure if I really should give her a call and tell her so (given that I still have lingering feelings for her).

I don't really see why you should.

Originally Posted by Sholos

Wait, people try to cuddle with you? Nevermind, our situations have that major difference. I don't think anyone has ever tried to cuddle with me.

No, I don't think that's happened more than once, and that time there was alcohol involved.

[Sturmcrow]

Originally Posted by snoopy13a

Wow, she acting like she's in junior high. She might like you, but it seems like she's emotionally a thirteen-year-old. Lots of red flags in your post.

Outside of her behavior towards you, the quitting shows both immaturity--not giving two weeks notice--and a lack of deciveness by giving in the owner's demands to come in.

I wouldn't worry about her. Likely, your bosses are planning to replace her--if she doesn't quit again.

^this

Does not sound like someone with the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship

[Morph Bark]

So since it came up in a conversation during a car ride last Sunday, I figure I'd bring in a new subject for discussion here: first kisses.

Spoiler

She mentioned she had Pfeiffer's at some point during highschool, to which I said she must've kissed the wrong person (a common way of contracting Pfeiffer's), but she told me then she's never kissed anyone, so that wasn't a possibility. This actually made me think a little on how to kiss her for the first time. I've kissed before, but the first time she fell asleep soon afterwards while I went to the bathroom, and the other times were once one goodbye kiss on the train station after a date just before Christmas with another girl, or my ex-girlfriend being very affectionate.

At first I thought I could do it after telling her to close her eyes for a present (her birthday is in two weeks) before doing it, but then I thought it might come across as creepy to some girls, despite her having confessed that she likes me. Such wouldn't have been a problem with the others I've dated, but she's very shy and kinda sheltered (well, admittably, the others were as well, sorta, but... differently?). WHY MUST THIS BE SO HARD.

In other news, what's the easiest/best way to meet new people/make new friends, other than at school, at work, needing to go to bars or dance clubs, or perusing the internet? (As much as I value some internet friends of mine, the feel of the relationship is much different.) I am currently still in process of looking for a new job (and getting it!) while I am currently out of college. All my friends are unavailable to meet during weekdays since they all study at universities a long distance away.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Spoiler

Crazy-friend/girl is in theater with me. There's this Shakespeare in the Park thing this weekend. The play we're doing is Midsummer. The play they're doing is Midsummer. The director mentioned it yesterday. How do I ask her if she wants to go with me and not make it sound like not-a-date/just friends?

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

So since it came up in a conversation during a car ride last Sunday, I figure I'd bring in a new subject for discussion here: first kisses.

Spoiler

She mentioned she had Pfeiffer's at some point during highschool, to which I said she must've kissed the wrong person (a common way of contracting Pfeiffer's), but she told me then she's never kissed anyone, so that wasn't a possibility. This actually made me think a little on how to kiss her for the first time. I've kissed before, but the first time she fell asleep soon afterwards while I went to the bathroom, and the other times were once one goodbye kiss on the train station after a date just before Christmas with another girl, or my ex-girlfriend being very affectionate.

At first I thought I could do it after telling her to close her eyes for a present (her birthday is in two weeks) before doing it, but then I thought it might come across as creepy to some girls, despite her having confessed that she likes me. Such wouldn't have been a problem with the others I've dated, but she's very shy and kinda sheltered (well, admittably, the others were as well, sorta, but... differently?). WHY MUST THIS BE SO HARD.

In other news, what's the easiest/best way to meet new people/make new friends, other than at school, at work, needing to go to bars or dance clubs, or perusing the internet? (As much as I value some internet friends of mine, the feel of the relationship is much different.) I am currently still in process of looking for a new job (and getting it!) while I am currently out of college. All my friends are unavailable to meet during weekdays since they all study at universities a long distance away.

There are other ways of contracting mono than by kissing, although that's the most common way of catching it. I think I knew someone who had it before their first kiss too.
I have no experience with kissing or its intricacies.

[Chen]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

Crazy-friend/girl is in theater with me. There's this Shakespeare in the Park thing this weekend. The play we're doing is Midsummer. The play they're doing is Midsummer. The director mentioned it yesterday. How do I ask her if she wants to go with me and not make it sound like not-a-date/just friends?

Ask her to go with you, as a date. Done.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by Chen

Ask her to go with you, as a date. Done.

I'm-a gonna' choke. XD
That'd be the simple, easy, preferred thing. But how do I do that without choking?

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I'm-a gonna' choke. XD
That'd be the simple, easy, preferred thing. But how do I do that without choking?

Write the request in sonnet form, which you present to her in a pretty ribbon with a bow and some Ye Olde English form of saying "this is for you, from me".

...yes, this is rather cheesy, but it actually does seem appropriate to me in this particular case.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I'm-a gonna' choke. XD
That'd be the simple, easy, preferred thing. But how do I do that without choking?

I dunno, practice in front of the mirror a hundred times? Text her? I'm bad at planning things with friends myself. I'd imagine asking someone on a date might be tough.

[Coidzor]

AT: "You, Me, Shakespeare in the Park, and a Midsummer's Nightcap after?"

Probably all rubbish that doesn't even provoke some additional thought, but you might be interested in recycling the Midsummer's Nightcap line, perhaps.

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

So since it came up in a conversation during a car ride last Sunday, I figure I'd bring in a new subject for discussion here: first kisses.

Spoiler

She mentioned she had Pfeiffer's at some point during highschool, to which I said she must've kissed the wrong person (a common way of contracting Pfeiffer's), but she told me then she's never kissed anyone, so that wasn't a possibility. This actually made me think a little on how to kiss her for the first time. I've kissed before, but the first time she fell asleep soon afterwards while I went to the bathroom, and the other times were once one goodbye kiss on the train station after a date just before Christmas with another girl, or my ex-girlfriend being very affectionate.

At first I thought I could do it after telling her to close her eyes for a present (her birthday is in two weeks) before doing it, but then I thought it might come across as creepy to some girls, despite her having confessed that she likes me. Such wouldn't have been a problem with the others I've dated, but she's very shy and kinda sheltered (well, admittably, the others were as well, sorta, but... differently?). WHY MUST THIS BE SO HARD.

Spoiler

Well, I recommend getting her nice and relaxed after some kind of date-ish object and whatever other forms of physical intimacy the two of you do and then either start slowly while doing something else, such as hugging or tell her you want to kiss her/ask her depending upon her and the mood.

At least in my experience, the evolving kiss is less likely to get her tongue in a knot or for anyone to accidentally suffocate the other. Depending upon how squeamish she is, this could even involve a light-hearted build up starting from her cheek or the tip of her nose.

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

In other news, what's the easiest/best way to meet new people/make new friends, other than at school, at work, needing to go to bars or dance clubs, or perusing the internet? (As much as I value some internet friends of mine, the feel of the relationship is much different.) I am currently still in process of looking for a new job (and getting it!) while I am currently out of college. All my friends are unavailable to meet during weekdays since they all study at universities a long distance away.

Well, libraries sometimes have websites with community events/clubs that meet there or community corkboards where groups that want to advertise can do so. Sometimes the local newspaper has a list of upcoming community events, especially free or cheap ones, that it either publishes in some community section or maintains on its website.

Originally Posted by hawkboy772042

@Coidzor

Sounds like you need some counseling. I'd recommend first just trying to join some clubs and see how your socializing arrangement goes from there though.

Ah, but there's the rub. Been inexpertly looking for some and not really finding anything. Then again I honestly have forgotten how one goes about such beyond ye olde community library or arts center or university.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I dunno, practice in front of the mirror a hundred times? Text her? I'm bad at planning things with friends myself. I'd imagine asking someone on a date might be tough.

I can confirm that through text (either text messaging or via IM programs or Facebook chat or such) makes it much easier and appears to be relatively common too these days. The amount of dates arranged through them greatly outnumber the amount arranged via phonecall or face-to-face. (And admittably, one of the dates arranged face-to-face was basically the both of us signing up simultaneously for a Christmas dinner organized by a student club and the people there asking if we were going as each others' dates. Basically, we were Shanghaied into it. Not that either of us minded.)


EDIT:

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Spoiler

Well, I recommend getting her nice and relaxed after some kind of date-ish object and whatever other forms of physical intimacy the two of you do and then either start slowly while doing something else, such as hugging or tell her you want to kiss her/ask her depending upon her and the mood.

At least in my experience, the evolving kiss is less likely to get her tongue in a knot or for anyone to accidentally suffocate the other. Depending upon how squeamish she is, this could even involve a light-hearted build up starting from her cheek or the tip of her nose.

Spoiler

Well, I hadn't been thinking on using any tongue on the first go. :P I've only done that with my ex so far, and that only went well once, so you can't exactly call me an experienced kisser when tongue is involved. Or is a kiss on the lips considered too chaste these days for a first kiss type deal?

Well, libraries sometimes have websites with community events/clubs that meet there or community corkboards where groups that want to advertise can do so. Sometimes the local newspaper has a list of upcoming community events, especially free or cheap ones, that it either publishes in some community section or maintains on its website.

They do? Huh. Well, mine is part of the building for cultural stuffs and happenings in my town, so it could just figure. No corkboard last I checked, but it's been a few years. Have been planning on going back to the library anyway though, read up on stuff I haven't been able to. Will need to get a new library card though, or do all my reading there.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

There are other ways of contracting mono than by kissing, although that's the most common way of catching it. I think I knew someone who had it before their first kiss too.
I have no experience with kissing or its intricacies.

He knows, but it would seems he brought it up in jest because it is indeed a very common method.

---

Morph Bark: It's her birthday soon? Simple, get her a cake.

Let's say, a small one, big enough for two to share. Bring a candle or two and a cutting knife. With the two of you alone, light the candles and have her blow them out. Then hand her the knife and say: "Remember, if you touch the plate, you have to kiss the nearest boy!"

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Rawhide

He knows, but it would seems he brought it up in jest because it is indeed a very common method.

I did bring it up mostly in jest yeah. I hadn't been meaning to use it to pry for a response like that though, it was just an added bonus.

Morph Bark: It's her birthday soon? Simple, get her a cake.

Let's say, a small one, big enough for two to share. Bring a candle or two and a cutting knife. With the two of you alone, light the candles and have her blow them out. Then hand her the knife and say: "Remember, if you touch the plate, you have to kiss the nearest boy!"

XD Oh dear lord, I can be bold sometimes, but I think I couldn't be that bold. At least, not yet. Though it'd prolly be easier to do if it wouldn't be at her parents' house. (She stays the weekends there and during weekdays she's at her room near her university campus, roughly... 50 miles away, I think?)