Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[dehro]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

There are other ways of contracting mono than by kissing, although that's the most common way of catching it. I think I knew someone who had it before their first kiss too.
I have no experience with kissing or its intricacies.

I know someone who just went through catching mono and having to deal with the consequences.
someone who, to the best of my knowledge, has been snogging the same woman for at least the last 64 years. he's 92 and my grandfather.
and no, my granny doesn't play away either
also, eww!

[Chen]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

I can confirm that through text (either text messaging or via IM programs or Facebook chat or such) makes it much easier and appears to be relatively common too these days. The amount of dates arranged through them greatly outnumber the amount arranged via phonecall or face-to-face. (And admittably, one of the dates arranged face-to-face was basically the both of us signing up simultaneously for a Christmas dinner organized by a student club and the people there asking if we were going as each others' dates. Basically, we were Shanghaied into it. Not that either of us minded.)

The key is to ensure you make it clear it is a DATE. Otherwise you're going to be in that whole confusing place that causes tons of problems for everyone involved.

Texting and the like is a good way to hedge against rejection but it's far less personal. You're probably better off building the courage to do it in person and be ready if there is a rejection. You will get rejected at some point in your life. You need to be ready for that and not afraid of it.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Spoiler

Well, I hadn't been thinking on using any tongue on the first go. :P I've only done that with my ex so far, and that only went well once, so you can't exactly call me an experienced kisser when tongue is involved. Or is a kiss on the lips considered too chaste these days for a first kiss type deal?

Spoiler

Well, that depends on what you're doing with the lips.

A peck on the lips is no muss, generally, but it's also not really... as visceral or passionate an experience as something that actually involves some level of saliva, which you can do without bringing the tongue into the mix. TMI:

Spoiler

I actually prefer that style over frenching, haha.

I'd recommend at least considering following up the peck with something where you've got some interplay.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Two posts of prior-info.

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Spoiler

OK, so I have three friends. Let's call them Mary, John, and Haley. I like Haley. John and Haley used to date, but don't any more. Mary is a new girl, and because she's into similar stuff as Haley and I, she quickly joined our friend group. Mary and Haley are both bi, and Mary started flirting with Haley, and Haley just sort of played along with it. Mary and I were together in a cafe writing an essay when she told me she had figured out I like Haley, but that it was OK because she wasn't actually comfortable dating a girl even if she did like Haley (among some other things). She then started fooling around with John. I was talking with John later, alone, and he was saying how great Mary is. Mary was then hanging out with some other friends of mine, John, and Haley's when none of us were around. My friends have reported that Mary said what she was doing with John wasn't serious at all, and that it didn't actually mean anything.

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

.

Spoiler

So, there's this girl I like, Haley. She drunk texted me with a load of ridiculous typos Saturday night. Which was completely out of character. It seemed like she was drunk. I ended up texting John, her most recent ex, to see what he thought about that. It turns out she texted him as well (which is extremely odd as she's been ignoring him since they broke up) and he said he wasn't sure, but that I should ask take her out to lunch or something sometime. The thing is she's on a "diet" which, as far as I can tell, means not eating lunch most days. John acknowledged this to some degree and said that when Haley and him were dating she had told him she had an eating disorder of sorts.
There's also this girl Mary. She's knew. She has/had a crush on Haley too but now she's being ignored after Haley rejected her (Haley ignores people to make issues go away. Doesn't really work.) and has since hooked up with John. Mary, John, Isaac (a random friend), and Jacob (a friend she dated very briefly in Sophomore year) were all hanging out on Monday evening, when Mary said she had noticed barely noticeable slits on Haley's wrists (which is apparently the first thing she looks for when meeting new people). John said he had noticed those too back when Haley and he were dating, but he had never picked up on it because they were so small and she always seemed to have a reasonable excuse (my dog scratched me, etc., etc.).

The five of us then decided we were going to confront the school psychologist to see what we should do. And we did. We went to him yesterday and he pleaded for us to tell us who our friend was, but we didn't, which he reluctantly excepted. He said if we wouldn't do that, we should talk to Haley's mom. John volunteered since Haley was already ignoring him and he sort of knew her mom. So after school, while Jacob, Haley, Isaac, and myself had play practice, he went to talk to Haley's mom.

Haley's mom took John completely seriously, and told him that we were good friends for coming to her. Haley's mom then texted John after he had left and Haley came home and told him that she had made Haley show her her wrists, and that she was either going to go to the school psychologist of her own free will today, or be dragged to him tomorrow. Either way, the next step is a pro.

Spoiler

It turns out Haley did end up going to the school psych without having to be dragged, although she hates him and says he's terrible. She is getting a professional very soon though. Thankfully she's stopped noticeably cutting on her wrists ... But we have reasons to believe she's continuing on other parts of her body.

Yesterday Mary decided we should let Haley know that we were the ones that spilled the beans to the school psych and her mom. Haley was really upset it was us and couldn't believe that Jacob and Isaac figured it out, but she wasn't too surprised that I did. She also basically said I was a closer friend than the rest of them. And then this conversation happened.

Mary: [After talking about how she's new messing up our group dynamic] And I'm sorry if I've made things awkward between AT, you, and myself.
Haley: Huh? OH GOD, WHAT? NO! NO! NO!
Me: *slumps deep into seat*
Isaac: MARY!
Jacob: It's like you stabbed him in the heart and turned the knife!

The five us then kept on hanging out. Mary and Haley had two private conversations and Mary texted me saying that Haley hadn't figured out that I like her and that she thought it meant Mary still did. This is eating me up inside. I need to just tell her. I don't think I even care if I can "get" a date anymore.

[Morph Bark]

Love triangles, they never work out.^[1][2][3]

Sources:
[1] Hearsay
[2] A good friend
[3] Personal experience

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Love triangles, they never work out.^[1][2][3]

Sources:
[1] Hearsay
[2] A good friend
[3] Personal experience

That's the thing, it's not even a love triangle - Mary doesn't even like Haley anymore. Although, yeah, it's weird. How apt that the school play be Midsummer Night's Dream and half of us are in it.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

That's the thing, it's not even a love triangle - Mary doesn't even like Haley anymore. Although, yeah, it's weird. How apt that the school play be Midsummer Night's Dream and half of us are in it.

An amusing irony. Probably less so from your end. If it were me I'd probably just tell her and let what happens happen. I know that can be hard, though.

[Dusk Eclipse]

I have an interesting problem and I would like some advice on it.

A few days ago my cousin introduced a girl (let's call her Alice) to me (I am at the moment single btw) and while we hit pretty well off I am not interested in her in a romantic/relationship way. The problem being that according to my cousin Alice is really into me. I don't really know how to tell her I am not interested in her without hurting her feelings.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Dusk Eclipse

I have an interesting problem and I would like some advice on it.

A few days ago my cousin introduced a girl (let's call her Alice) to me (I am at the moment single btw) and while we hit pretty well off I am not interested in her in a romantic/relationship way. The problem being that according to my cousin Alice is really into me. I don't really know how to tell her I am not interested in her without hurting her feelings.

Unfortunately, it may be impossible to avoid hurting her feelings, if your cousin is reporting accurately. But it's better to tell her straight out sooner than to drag things out "hinting" at it.

[Dusk Eclipse]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

Unfortunately, it may be impossible to avoid hurting her feelings, if your cousin is reporting accurately. But it's better to tell her straight out sooner than to drag things out "hinting" at it.

that is what I am fearing. She is really cool; but I don't see myself in a relationship with her.

[ThiagoMartell]

Originally Posted by Dusk Eclipse

I have an interesting problem and I would like some advice on it.

A few days ago my cousin introduced a girl (let's call her Alice) to me (I am at the moment single btw) and while we hit pretty well off I am not interested in her in a romantic/relationship way. The problem being that according to my cousin Alice is really into me. I don't really know how to tell her I am not interested in her without hurting her feelings.

Well, I understand that you can't see things going that way with her now, but you hardly know her, right? Maybe take her on a date, see how things turn out. If you still feel that way afterwards, I'd just stay around her, as a friend, and avoid touching the subject. If she does confront you, though, just be polite and honest about it. She might be a bit sad, but life is not all sunshine and rainbows, after all.

[Form]

Just be clear and honest with her if/when you decide there's not going to be any romance between the two of you. Don't just let it linger and don't drag it out, because that'll probably only end up hurting her more and it'd be unfair to her and kind of dishonest.

[Herpestidae]

Originally Posted by Herpestidae

Well, time to toss my hat into the "weird situations" ring. I'm not really seeking advice, I'm just venting, but If you have any comments, I'd appreciate them anyway.

Spoiler

I have two friends: Tia* and Kevin.* We're all on choir together. Kevin and I have been tongue-in-cheek rivals since he joined. We're always trying to outdo each other, ragging on each other, and basically being jerks, but it's all in a respectful sort of way.

Problem is, we both like Tia.

Honestly, Tia and I started out a bit in opposition (Read: Our first encounter involved me calling her names [jokingly, but she didn't know] and our second had her slapping me in the face after I messed with her hair), but months of choir and group Bible Study and other such things (and the knowledge that she's an anime fan) have made us pretty close. And starting at the beginning of summer, I began to court her, so to speak. There were gifts and hugs and chaste kisses, all initiated by me with her not complaining. But since I'm known as a very touchy-feely kind of guy, I talked with her Friday past (Shooing away Kevin, even) so she knew I was being serious about pursuing her. Suffice it to say that she'd love to go out with me... if I'm still interested in a few months when she feels ready to get back on the dating scene (Long story). But we're all cool. The three of us even had a whole discussion about the Power Creep in various long-running anime series on Sunday, and she even made references to how I feel about her.

Update: She'll be comin' round to my place on Monday to do my hair. We will be alone for several hours. I do not plan on there being sexytimes, but we might be official now? I mean I've been keeping a sort of distance and trying not to bring up the romantic topic, (following my own advice about how to stay friends with the guy/girl you like) but she's apparently over whatever dating issues she had. Still, I reiterate that I don't plan to try anything.

[Coidzor]

If you think you're official now and you're alone for several hours I imagine that a conversation confirming such is in order somewhere.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

If you think you're official now and you're alone for several hours I imagine that a conversation confirming such is in order somewhere.

Yeah, the fact that there's a question mark there tells me a conversation is needed to make sure.

[Mynxae]

I need advice on a complicated situation... And since no-one on here knows him, I'll use his first name.

Prepare for a large post though..

Spoiler

Steven and I have been best friends since grade 9 in high school (year I was turning 14) and we always mucked about, as young boys do. But we've also gotten so close to the point we've seen each other in the nude and thought nothing of it. But I've always had a thing for him. I didn't quite know it within the first few months of knowing him, but I always felt... something. Then I discovered in grade 11 (turning 16) that I liked guys.

So I was bi, because I was still attracted to girls at the same time, but unsure about the whole situation. As time passed I became less and less attracted to girls and then I finally thought **** it, I'm gay. Girls really do not do anything for me anymore. So I came out to my friends first, but not him... I was afraid of what he would think. To this day, he doesn't mind, except for one reason which I'll elaborate soon.

So fast forward to the end of grade 12 (had just turned 17). I was out to the whole school, had had one boyfriend previously (of a different school, but that's another story) but I still liked Steven. There was always a special place for him. But there was always the massive problem and barrier - he's straight.

But probably for the past year (turned 18, end of last year), on the odd occasion he's actually flirting back with me. Which shocks me enough to actually go straight out flirting back with him.

He has also several times (3 I think) asked me to come over for a 'fun time' (easy enough to guess what that means, considering the winks) while drinking (sometimes a lot, sometimes practically none), just because his parents were out of town. Speaking of which, he also mentioned to me that his parents are going out of town fairly soon again too. /sigh

Also, one time when he was fairly drunk I actually came out to him and said that well... I love him. That's the easiest way to say it. And he said a few months ago that well... If he was bi/gay, he would go straight for me because I'm the nicest and most caring loving guy he knows.

But then at other times he's so flirty with me and I nearly got him to go on a date with me 'just to see what would happen/if sparks would fly'. But he never ended up catching me up on that...

I'm not sure if anyone can even help me with this. But I love him, and have cried quite a few times over the years because I'm simply lost. I just don't know what to do with him. Sometimes it seems like he wants me (in more ways than just physical), but other times he rejects me straight away and will just change the topic. But he also still wants to play video games with me frequently, hang out etc. I just.. can't handle it anymore. Sometimes I get so depressed about it, and so has he, because he wants me to be happy but he simply can't do it himself without making himself unhappy.



And a song to suit the situation also... (skip to about 0:53 for the music, I think)
You're givin' me such sweet nothing...

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Mynxae

I need advice on a complicated situation... And since no-one on here knows him, I'll use his first name.

Prepare for a large post though..

*snip*

Spoiler

The fact that he said it suggestively only during times he was drunk, has for as far as I can read never done anything beyond flirting, and the line of "If he was bi/gay, he would go straight for me" suggest to me that you're a really close friend to him, but he's just not bi/gay. Even going on a date might not solve it, as he could be a biromantic heterosexual.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about it, rather than keeping on sitting around and doing nothing about it and hoping something will happen, because nothing will happen if you don't do anything. And if nothing happens, you remain where you are, which is clearly where you don't want to be. If you do something about it, at the very least you can get things clearer between the two of you, and you either find out that he's been deeply stuck in the closet for a long time, or you'll be able to move on from pining for him. The latter might take a few months of time to really get over him, but that's still better than continuing on where things are at.

On the plus side, I don't think with as close as you are this reveal would drive a wedge between the two of you, if he's not bi/gay. Not unless you make it drive a wedge between the two of you with bad behaviour.

[Origomar]

So i went home this weekend to see some of my friends and i ended up seeing that girl i posted about earlier.

I still couldn't talk to her because i had felt kinda bad(and there there was this guy that was all over her, and it made me uncomfortable. I doubt shes interested in him since hes 2 years younger than her, and its always him following her, but i dont want to assume something and then get upset about it later.)

Anyway i ended up texting her the day after and saying "I wanted to apologize correctly. Im sorry for treating you that way and for putting you in an uncomfortable position for so long"

And she said "lol max don't worry about it. Stop apologizing"

Then we just talked for like 40 minutes via text about what we were up to.

This may be incredibly obvious to some, but that does sound like shes forgiven me? I may not be comfortable talking to her for a while but does it sound like we will actually be able to be friends again x.x?

also a fairly important detail, i have actually apologized to her before(it was right after i did that thing that made her uncomfortable that i posted about earlier happened), but it was usually incredibly uh "emotional" and probably more based out of feeling terrible and wanting a response from her than actually being sorry for what i did.

[Serpentine]

You've apologised. She's accepted it. Drop it, and move on as though nothing ever happened. If you keep on insisting on bringing it up over and over and berating yourself for it, you're just going to make the situation uncomfortable again. She's let it go. You have to do that too.

[Origomar]

Originally Posted by Serpentine

You've apologised. She's accepted it. Drop it, and move on as though nothing ever happened. If you keep on insisting on bringing it up over and over and berating yourself for it, you're just going to make the situation uncomfortable again. She's let it go. You have to do that too.

No need to be harsh. Im not sure if this is your intention and it is text but still. This is basically the worst thing ive ever done(so far)and it was to someone who i cared more about than i should have. I just wanted to make sure im not making any more mistakes.

[dehro]

you're not.. best to move on..she's given you indication she has..and no indication to the contrary.

[Serpentine]

Originally Posted by Origomar

No need to be harsh. Im not sure if this is your intention and it is text but still. This is basically the worst thing ive ever done(so far)and it was to someone who i cared more about than i should have. I just wanted to make sure im not making any more mistakes.

Fair cop. The point's still valid, though: the biggest mistake you're likely to make now is to needlessly turn it into a Big Deal beyond when it should have been forgotten. Apologies are good. Having your apology accepted is good. Continuing to apologise after your apology has been accepted is not good. The correct step after apologising and having it accepted is to learn from it and try not to do it again.
(note: I'm not making any comment at all on the severity of the original thing you're apologising for, purely just your behaviour now and the desire to get back to normal)

[ThiagoMartell]

This is for a friend of mine:

So, he has a roll with three different women. One of them is 20, just starting her life, and any trifle is reason for a discussion. The second one is calmer, has a stable lifestyle and she is a good person, but she meddles in everything. The third one comes from a different country (Argentina), she also has a stable lifestyle, works for a great company and she has a lot of money, but having a relationship with her is complicated. The problem is that he likes the first one and the second one, but he doesn't really know what he has to do, he's quite lost.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by ThiagoMartell

One of them is 20, just starting her life, and any trifle is reason for a discussion.

What do you mean by this?

Other than that, there really isn't enough information to help him out, though it seems quite clear that a relationship with the third woman just isn't going to happen, or maybe shouldn't even.

[Pyromancer999]

Originally Posted by ThiagoMartell

This is for a friend of mine:

So, he has a roll with three different women. One of them is 20, just starting her life, and any trifle is reason for a discussion. The second one is calmer, has a stable lifestyle and she is a good person, but she meddles in everything. The third one comes from a different country (Argentina), she also has a stable lifestyle, works for a great company and she has a lot of money, but having a relationship with her is complicated. The problem is that he likes the first one and the second one, but he doesn't really know what he has to do, he's quite lost.

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

there really isn't enough information to help him out, though it seems quite clear that a relationship with the third woman just isn't going to happen, or maybe shouldn't even.

Seconded. A relationship with the third woman just shouldn't happen, especially since it appears your friend only likes the first and second. As for what he should do with those two....it seems like he's just going to have to choose between them. Not much else can be said without more detail.

Also, what does it mean to have a roll with someone?

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

What do you mean by this?

I think he means she complains about everything, no matter how minor it may be.

[Thajocoth]

My girl is really stressed... And I don't know how to comfort her.

I'm in California. She lives with me, but is away finishing up her degree in Indiana. Her parents are in Texas.

It's been hard enough to comfort her over Skype with normal things... She's got an unfortunate combination of bipolar (type 1), reactive hypoglycemia*, school stress, and leaning her emotions too heavily on physical touch from me before going. She's taking medication for mania, depression and anxiety (this one being an anti-psychotic) as well as a handful of supplements.

Now her mother's having health issues... It seems to be related to memory. She's in her 60s and has been vegan for most of her life, priding herself on her good health from it (despite her bone problems that would likely be better if she had dairy...) She refuses to see a doctor about it as she doesn't want to "waste" money. (My girl's parents don't have any kind of decent health insurance. They run their own restaurant equipment repairing business and easily work more than 40 hour weeks. She does the office/financial side of things.)

My girl's final stretch of speech pathology education is being done in a nursing home. She sees these people degrading and sees all the medical stuff that's helping them. It's frustrating her immensely. My girl's brother is going to try to convince their mother tonight.

It's interrupting her sleep, and effecting her diet. This is all a great way to throw her into an bipolar episode, so I worry about my girl. Even with the meds, her emotions are still of a multiplied strength to begin with.

I just don't know how to comfort her. If she goes into a strong enough bipolar episode to disrupt her from finishing (She'll be done mid-December), then she won't get a 3rd chance to finish, which I think would just make things even worse for her. As long as she has me, I don't think she'd go fully suicidal again, but things could get really bad.

I will be seeing her this coming Friday. I took a couple days off and bought plane tickets (before all this happened). Once she's in my arms, she'll be a lot better. Just holding her does wonders for her. I'm only going to be there from Friday to Monday though. After that, I don't see her again until mid-December, immediately before the first anniversary of a commitment ceremony we had.

*Reactive hypoglycemia means that she reacts (emotionally) to what she eats. The more processed the food is, the more she'll react. White sugar causes the worst reaction. Wheat bread that isn't whole wheat causes much less of a reaction, but still some. It seems to make it more difficult for her to think. She describes that state as being "confused". Another way this can be triggered is by not eating often enough (every 3 hours on average, small portions), or not eating the right ratio of protein/fat/carbs in any particular meal.

[Morph Bark]

Considering the nature of the problem, I think you would get better advice in the Personal Woes and Advice thread. It's a slightly different crowd of people more familiar with the sorts of issues that your girlfriend appears to be dealing with.

Good to hear she'll at least be feeling better thanks to you come Friday, even if for a short while.

Other than that, I can only wish you strength and good luck.

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Considering the nature of the problem, I think you would get better advice in the Personal Woes and Advice thread. It's a slightly different crowd of people more familiar with the sorts of issues that your girlfriend appears to be dealing with.

Good to hear she'll at least be feeling better thanks to you come Friday, even if for a short while.

Other than that, I can only wish you strength and good luck.

I see... I figured since it was a relationship, that this thread made more sense. Do you know, by any chance, if the rules restrict me from reposting my post in that other thread? (The whole 1-topic = 1 thread thing, but this is a single post, not a thread.)

Also, thank you.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

I see... I figured since it was a relationship, that this thread made more sense. Do you know, by any chance, if the rules restrict me from reposting my post in that other thread? (The whole 1-topic = 1 thread thing, but this is a single post, not a thread.)

Oh no, I don't think so.

And while some relationship issues of your sort most certainly might be a better fit here, I think in this particular case it's moreso a problem pertaining to her personal situation rather than the relationship between the two of you (especially since her relationship with you actually makes her condition better, which is entirely a good thing) that it fits better over there.

[Thajocoth]

Thanks a lot for your help.