Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution - Page 47

TheWombatOfDoom · 10-08-2012, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

At any rate, I'm very happy for you that you found someone, Mortal Wombat.

Kanga-ruken! I am as well! Hmmm...kareoke, what a marvolous idea. She has a wonderful voice.

Morph Bark · 10-08-2012, 11:48 AM

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Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

Kanga-ruken!

Wh-what?

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Hmmm...kareoke, what a marvolous idea. She has a wonderful voice.

Have you heard her sing before? If not, keep in mind that speaking voices and singing voices can be quite different. Someone who sounds good with the one may be bad with the other, or vice versa.

Even if she wouldn't sound good, as long as she likes singing it could be a great idea. I know the girl I like loves karaoke. She even sung a song at the anime convention we went to, but sadly I couldn't hear her because some guy went to sing along and he was practically shouting the song.

TheWombatOfDoom · 10-08-2012, 12:20 PM

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Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Wh-what?

As in, haduken! But throw in a kangaroo for good measure!

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Have you heard her sing before? If not, keep in mind that speaking voices and singing voices can be quite different. Someone who sounds good with the one may be bad with the other, or vice versa.

Even if she wouldn't sound good, as long as she likes singing it could be a great idea. I know the girl I like loves karaoke. She even sung a song at the anime convention we went to, but sadly I couldn't hear her because some guy went to sing along and he was practically shouting the song.

She sings very nicely, and loves it to boot!

AtlanteanTroll · 10-08-2012, 06:06 PM

Letter to no one.

Spoiler

The Succubus · 10-08-2012, 06:17 PM

@AT:

There was a lot of that that reminded me of a friend I once had, ten years ago. She was sweet and lovely, as your friend is and I found myself attracted to her. However, she too had ghosts in her head that lead her to feel bad and hurt herself. No matter what I said or did, there was a part of her that I just couldn't reach out to.

We eventually went our separate ways and the last I heard of her, she'd managed to find a new job with a little less stress to it. I hope she's managed to open up a little or at least find some modicum of peace.

I hope you and your friend will too.

AtlanteanTroll · 10-08-2012, 07:47 PM

Yeah, me too. It's really difficult resisting the urge to send it to her.

Karen Lynn · 10-08-2012, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Yeah, me too. It's really difficult resisting the urge to send it to her.

Understand that while I've been lurking this thread a long time, I still am terrible with most people. That said...

Give in to the temption, don't fight the urge. It's not insulting in any way, and maybe it'll plant a seed of hope in her. A little care and love can change how someone views everything.

Coidzor · 10-08-2012, 09:46 PM

Usually we're supposed to try to not burn bridges, but, sometimes life does call for a controlled burn.

The biggest thing was just the first step of getting it out of you and in the air or in text so that you could re-examine it with fresher eyes.

Now there's two schools of thought that could get applied here, the first being one that I've fallen into more times than I'd care to recall, the devil may care, if it destroys all semblance of civility so be it it must be all for the better if that's the way the dice come up, which would either just send it on immediately or after minimal editing for coherency and honing it to a razor's edge.

You can probably look back over the past incarnations of the thread to see how well that's worked out for me though. But then again, maybe that's just me, and I certainly have my own demons besides. Certainly I strive for and espouse it because of a poor understanding of the Golden Mean and hate when my spirit quails and I retreat within myself rather than engaging with the world like a whole person.

The other being the one where you put it away, put it aside, wait a period of time, and then re-examine it with eyes that are less clouded by immediacy. It can lead to a kinder, gentler, sadder wisdom. Maybe.

Thajocoth · 10-08-2012, 11:09 PM

It's never good to see someone harming themselves, but ultimately, no one else can make them stop. It takes a real epiphany for a person to want to change a major behavior, & that requires a large enough life change.

Perhaps in losing you over it, they might wake up a little & start to want to change, but who knows? Being Jiminy Cricket for someone who needs that level of help just puts a high level of stress on you... And they'll still do as they will anyway (just as Pinocchio continued to drink, gamble, etc, despite Jiminy Cricket yelling at him for it.)

Feels odd to use a classic Disney movie as a reference there... Though, the original non-Disney version ended with Pinocchio becoming a full donkey & Geppetto inside the whale, so that might be worse to reference...

So yeah, the best you can do is not internalize their stress into you. Hope they do better in the future, but move on from them, at least for now.

Good luck.

AtlanteanTroll · 10-08-2012, 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

It's never good to see someone harming themselves, but ultimately, no one else can make them stop. It takes a real epiphany for a person to want to change a major behavior, & that requires a large enough life change.

Well, yes. As stated me and some other friends have managed to get this person's parents to take them to a psychologist. Don't know how many times she's gone yet. Only once or twice I think.

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Perhaps in losing you over it, they might wake up a little & start to want to change, but who knows? Being Jiminy Cricket for someone who needs that level of help just puts a high level of stress on you... And they'll still do as they will anyway (just as Pinocchio continued to drink, gamble, etc, despite Jiminy Cricket yelling at him for it.)

That wouldn't be the goal if I were to send it, it'd just be the most likely result.

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So yeah, the best you can do is not internalize their stress into you. Hope they do better in the future, but move on from them, at least for now.

Having literally worried myself sick over this person, I can honestly say there's no need to explain that to me. And God knows I'm trying.

Coidzor · 10-09-2012, 12:04 AM

Sometimes a controlled burn is for the best. Maybe. I know nothing

Me:

Spoiler

Morph Bark · 10-09-2012, 03:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Yeah, me too. It's really difficult resisting the urge to send it to her.

I wouldn't do it. From your posts so far, she's definitely not interested in you and this wouldn't change it. If she also only has gone once or twice to a psychiatrist after everything you, your friends and her family have done for her, she's not likely to want to actually go it seems, and forcing her would only make things worse. The only thing that could happen that would end up with you being closer to her would be her taking advantage of you by using you as a pillar to lean on, basically dumping everything on you so she herself doesn't need to deal with it as much, making her get a lot of benefits from the relationship while you'd end up sick with worry and eventually possibly even depressed yourself.

I've seen it happen several times before. I've been in a similar situation even. I was in a relationship with a girl who was in a similar place. She got a lot better after several years. You know how that happened? I ended our relationship, because I was tired of it and couldn't bear it anymore. Several months later she found someone else and became all the happier for it.

Another girl I was in love with several years ago also had this, but had trouble letting go, because it was her boyfriend that was using her as a pillar in this case. Thanks to me she realized it could be a lot better, but until they broke up (and for a few months afterwards) she was still miserable about it.

"Fixing" a person is nigh-impossible if the person doesn't seem to want help. Even if they do, it takes years, and it taxes you immensely. Even once you get out of it, it can take months to get over the emotional damage a situation like that can inflict -- longer if the relationship lasted a long time and/or if you're particularly vulnerable to such situations.

This may sound harsh or mean to you, but after everything you've told, after everything that's happened, I very, very much doubt you have anything to gain from sending her an email like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coidzor

So I've reached that awkward place where I think I might have had an epiphany that part of why I keep tripping myself up is that I've managed to get convinced that there's something immoral about wanting to get to know someone better because of a crush.

That is the most socially ridiculous thing I've ever heard. There's nothing "immoral" about wanting to get to know someone better.

Unless you'd plan to enact crimes on them or with them.

TheWombatOfDoom · 10-09-2012, 07:34 AM

As an update, I ended up spilling the beans yesterday to her, and she confirmed my suspcions! We are officially 'dating'.

The Succubus · 10-09-2012, 07:38 AM

Have you filled in form 28-D? I'm afraid you're not officially classed as dating until you've completed 28-D: Declaration of Romantic Intents and Shennanigans. :smallbureaucratic:

Rawhide · 10-09-2012, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Succubus

Have you filled in form 28-D? I'm afraid you're not officially classed as dating until you've completed 28-D: Declaration of Romantic Intents and Shennanigans. :smallbureaucratic:

You've got your numbers mixed up. That's Form V-22.

Spoiler

Morph Bark · 10-09-2012, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

As an update, I ended up spilling the beans yesterday to her, and she confirmed my suspcions! We are officially 'dating'.

Woohoo!

Also, Rawhide, that sounds like something I should/would fill out and hand over.

Serpentine · 10-09-2012, 08:03 AM

But is it Facebook official?

The Succubus · 10-09-2012, 08:08 AM

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

But is it Facebook official?

Wait, that's a thing now? I'm not allowed on Facebook. I'm doomed to be alone forever.

DOOOOOOOOOOMED.

Cobra_Ikari · 10-09-2012, 08:21 AM

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

But is it Facebook official?

Hmm. What's the equivalent of this if one of the parties involved doesn't have a Facebook account?

Rawhide · 10-09-2012, 08:25 AM

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Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari

Hmm. What's the equivalent of this if one of the parties involved doesn't have a Facebook account?

Then it's not official. In this day and age, you must confirm it on Facebook or you're only just fooling around.

TheWombatOfDoom · 10-09-2012, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rawhide

Then it's not official. In this day and age, you must confirm it on Facebook or you're only just fooling around.

Oh crap. I'll have to catch up on the times. Being that it's been two years since I've been in one of these...oh the times have changed! XD

Who do I submit the form to, I wonder...

And as for an answer, we are not yet facebook official, and won't be until we've commensed on our date. Hense the 'dating' and not dating, or goting out. Apparently 'dating' is now renamed to fooling around. I'd say its more of - mutually understood liking with the intention of pursuing a actual relationship.

I like to call it a MULWIPAR.

The Succubus · 10-09-2012, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

Oh crap. I'll have to catch up on the times. Being that it's been two years since I've been in one of these...oh the times have changed! XD

Who do I submit the form to, I wonder...

And as for an answer, we are not yet facebook official, and won't be until we've commensed on our date. Hense the 'dating' and not dating, or goting out. Apparently 'dating' is now renamed to fooling around. I'd say its more of - mutually understood liking with the intention of pursuing a actual relationship.

I like to call it a MULWIPAR.

I think we need to officially add this to the glossary at the start of the thread.

Morph Bark · 10-09-2012, 09:13 AM

If I make the next thread, I'll be doing just that.

TheWombatOfDoom · 10-09-2012, 09:15 AM

The MULWIPAR? Nice. I'd change the 'a actual' to 'an actual', though. Curses.

Form · 10-09-2012, 01:13 PM

So, the girl I thought was willing to go on another date with me is still too busy, which could be true I guess. It's just that it's been over a month by now since I've seen her in person and I don't think dating is supposed to have gaps this large barring external circumstances. Last time I spoke to her I thought I had made it easy for her to cut it off, but she didn't do that.

This isn't exactly very promising and, frankly, I've already run out of patience, but I figure I'm just going to bring this up anyway sooner or later. I'd be pretty annoyed if I find out this all just a very roundabout and vague way of telling me she isn't interested after all.

CrimsonAngel · 10-09-2012, 03:02 PM

Update: He's quitting. Not becausw of me, no, he still thinks i'm an ******* for even suggesting he quit. He's quitting because he got suspended for having weed. I'd be happier if he had quit because I asked him to but whatever.

And sorry i'm not, like, dispensing advice to other people while i'm here. I'm rubish at relationship advice. I know it's not exactly a guideline that you must help others to recieve help but I still want to apologize.

smooches

Morph Bark · 10-09-2012, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrimsonAngel

Update: He's quitting. Not becausw of me, no, he still thinks i'm an ******* for even suggesting he quit. He's quitting because he got suspended for having weed. I'd be happier if he had quit because I asked him to but whatever.

And sorry i'm not, like, dispensing advice to other people while i'm here. I'm rubish at relationship advice. I know it's not exactly a guideline that you must help others to recieve help but I still want to apologize.

smooches

A shame about the reason, but good that he is doing it nonetheless. Hopefully his mood will improve in a few months once the urge to smoke becomes much less (which is usually after a month or so).

Don't worry about not being able to reciprocate with advice. That's what this thread is for anyway. It's more about getting it than giving it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Serpentine

But is it Facebook official?

I know plenty of people who've been on Facebook for years and in serious, happy relationships for years and don't have their relationship on there. Thinking about it, with how often I update my own personal information, I'd prolly take a while, if I'd put it up there at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Succubus

Wait, that's a thing now? I'm not allowed on Facebook. I'm doomed to be alone forever.

DOOOOOOOOOOMED.

DOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Coidzor · 10-09-2012, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

That is the most socially ridiculous thing I've ever heard. There's nothing "immoral" about wanting to get to know someone better.

Unless you'd plan to enact crimes on them or with them.

It's the darndest thing. I know it's ridiculous and yet I've not managed to get rid of it and I've been trying since I first noticed it back when I was 13 or 14.

Herpestidae · 10-09-2012, 05:15 PM

I am so confused.

It's that girl again. The one I told I liked and who responded that she's not looking for a boyfriend but if/when she were, she would have loved it to be me.

As far as I know, that's still her stance on the whole thing. I've accepted that. We're still friends. We still go about our business.

And she's still being flirty as all hell.

I guess that's just how she naturally is to some extent (touchy-feeliness is a quality that we share), and I'm trying not to look into it too much.

But then she's all, out of nowhere mind you, "Oh do you know when The Hobbit is coming out? I'd really like to see that movie."

And I said nothing because I have no idea what she's playing at at this point.

I just want to go on my roof and yell angstily at the sky.

Morph Bark · 10-09-2012, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herpestidae

I am so confused.

It's that girl again. The one I told I liked and who responded that she's not looking for a boyfriend but if/when she were, she would have loved it to be me.

As far as I know, that's still her stance on the whole thing. I've accepted that. We're still friends. We still go about our business.

And she's still being flirty as all hell.

I guess that's just how she naturally is to some extent (touchy-feeliness is a quality that we share), and I'm trying not to look into it too much.

But then she's all, out of nowhere mind you, "Oh do you know when The Hobbit is coming out? I'd really like to see that movie."

And I said nothing because I have no idea what she's playing at at this point.

Ask her why she's being so flirty and touchy-feely with you while she doesn't want to date you?

And the appropriate response to that question would've been to ask "which of the three?"

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I just want to go on my roof and yell angstily at the sky.

Before all the other stuff, you could do that. Yelling is amazingly therapeutic.