Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Before all the other stuff, you could do that. Yelling is amazingly therapeutic.

True that.

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Yelling is amazingly therapeutic.

But it could disturb the neighbors... (I have never yelled, mostly for reasons like the one I just stated. I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of it anymore.)

[Coidzor]

Next time you stub your toe or hit your head or smash your thumb with a hammer you'll find out right quick, I imagine.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Next time you stub your toe or hit your head or smash your thumb with a hammer you'll find out right quick, I imagine.

Nah. When I do that I usually swear quietly.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by Form

This isn't exactly very promising and, frankly, I've already run out of patience, but I figure I'm just going to bring this up anyway sooner or later. I'd be pretty annoyed if I find out this all just a very roundabout and vague way of telling me she isn't interested after all.

I have found that this is the most frustrating and annoying way to be rejected, and sadly seems to be the most common. Or at least I get it quite a bit.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Man. Why did I decide to hang out with people tonight.

Spoiler

So, what happened was I went to hang out with my friends Heath and Julie. Julie hadn’t had the best day so we went to DQ to get ice cream. But it was kind of cold out so we ate it in her car, and by we, I mean her--because Heath and I didn’t want any. We talked for an hour or so, and a large part of it was sexual. Because that’s just how that group is, I guess. Anyway, we decided to go to the MSPL after that to change things up, but it was too cold, so we decided to go to this local coffe joint. Except Julie didn’t want anything and I had no money, so Heath went inside and we waited outside. A few weeks back Taylor and Julie were talking about something, and Julie let me know this, but she wouldn’t tell me what. I got Taylor to tell me, and it was, apparently that “while we personally harbor no romantic feelings towards you, we find you to be an attractive person.” I told her I that I knew, and she said, that wasn’t it. I then spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure it out, and then we realized Heath hadn’t come out yet. Which was weird. We then went inside and it turned out he had gone down to Wyman. Which, as I learned when he texted me, was to get us alone together. Because he’s trying to set us up. And even though I’m still really hung up on Haley, I do find myself starting to get slightly attracted to Julie. So while we were inside, and before I figured out why he wanted us alone together, we both started to complain about romantic issues. She about her ex, a pretty good friend of mine, and I about Haley. She was saying how she was sorry I liked Haley and then she looked up ways to get over people and tried sharing them with me. At about this time Heath came back from his walk down to Wyman. The three of us then pretty much simultaneously got texts saying “Where are you?” so we decided to go home. I drove down with Julie to drop Heath off, and she ended up getting mad at him because he wouldn’t get buckled. After he was dropped off I told her that if she told me what Taylor and her had been talking about, I’d tell her what Heath had been trying to do. She agreed and I considered whether or not it was worth it. I decided it was. She was all, “Oh. That’s awkward. Because what Taylor and I were talking about was that if we were to date any of the guys in our group, it’d be you.” And that was about the time I got home.

And now I’m here and very confused.

[Coidzor]

So let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both up...

Spoiler

So two girls said they found you attracive but didn't have romantic designs upon you in a way that possibly meant that they found you to be eyecandy enough to have sex with.

Then you got left alone with one of them and she started pseudo-flirting with you.

Then she revealed that the other girl and herself had pegged you as the pick of the litter?

[AtlanteanTroll]

I suppose so. Although the one who wasn't there today has a boyfriend.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I suppose so. Although the one who wasn't there today has a boyfriend.

Well, I suppose that rules out having just had a double play fall into your lap then.

[The Succubus]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Man. Why did I decide to hang out with people tonight.

Spoiler

So, what happened was I went to hang out with my friends Heath and Julie. Julie hadn’t had the best day so we went to DQ to get ice cream. But it was kind of cold out so we ate it in her car, and by we, I mean her--because Heath and I didn’t want any. We talked for an hour or so, and a large part of it was sexual. Because that’s just how that group is, I guess. Anyway, we decided to go to the MSPL after that to change things up, but it was too cold, so we decided to go to this local coffe joint. Except Julie didn’t want anything and I had no money, so Heath went inside and we waited outside. A few weeks back Taylor and Julie were talking about something, and Julie let me know this, but she wouldn’t tell me what. I got Taylor to tell me, and it was, apparently that “while we personally harbor no romantic feelings towards you, we find you to be an attractive person.” I told her I that I knew, and she said, that wasn’t it. I then spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure it out, and then we realized Heath hadn’t come out yet. Which was weird. We then went inside and it turned out he had gone down to Wyman. Which, as I learned when he texted me, was to get us alone together. Because he’s trying to set us up. And even though I’m still really hung up on Haley, I do find myself starting to get slightly attracted to Julie. So while we were inside, and before I figured out why he wanted us alone together, we both started to complain about romantic issues. She about her ex, a pretty good friend of mine, and I about Haley. She was saying how she was sorry I liked Haley and then she looked up ways to get over people and tried sharing them with me. At about this time Heath came back from his walk down to Wyman. The three of us then pretty much simultaneously got texts saying “Where are you?” so we decided to go home. I drove down with Julie to drop Heath off, and she ended up getting mad at him because he wouldn’t get buckled. After he was dropped off I told her that if she told me what Taylor and her had been talking about, I’d tell her what Heath had been trying to do. She agreed and I considered whether or not it was worth it. I decided it was. She was all, “Oh. That’s awkward. Because what Taylor and I were talking about was that if we were to date any of the guys in our group, it’d be you.” And that was about the time I got home.

And now I’m here and very confused.

You...what....he...she...*headsplosion*

While they often have the advantage of an outsider's perspective, it really grinds my gears when my friends get involved in my love life. X_X

Julie seems like a nice girl though. Might be something to chew over for a bit.

[Socratov]

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

Man. Why did I decide to hang out with people tonight.

Spoiler

So, what happened was I went to hang out with my friends Heath and Julie. Julie hadn’t had the best day so we went to DQ to get ice cream. But it was kind of cold out so we ate it in her car, and by we, I mean her--because Heath and I didn’t want any. We talked for an hour or so, and a large part of it was sexual. Because that’s just how that group is, I guess. Anyway, we decided to go to the MSPL after that to change things up, but it was too cold, so we decided to go to this local coffe joint. Except Julie didn’t want anything and I had no money, so Heath went inside and we waited outside. A few weeks back Taylor and Julie were talking about something, and Julie let me know this, but she wouldn’t tell me what. I got Taylor to tell me, and it was, apparently that “while we personally harbor no romantic feelings towards you, we find you to be an attractive person.” I told her I that I knew, and she said, that wasn’t it. I then spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure it out, and then we realized Heath hadn’t come out yet. Which was weird. We then went inside and it turned out he had gone down to Wyman. Which, as I learned when he texted me, was to get us alone together. Because he’s trying to set us up. And even though I’m still really hung up on Haley, I do find myself starting to get slightly attracted to Julie. So while we were inside, and before I figured out why he wanted us alone together, we both started to complain about romantic issues. She about her ex, a pretty good friend of mine, and I about Haley. She was saying how she was sorry I liked Haley and then she looked up ways to get over people and tried sharing them with me. At about this time Heath came back from his walk down to Wyman. The three of us then pretty much simultaneously got texts saying “Where are you?” so we decided to go home. I drove down with Julie to drop Heath off, and she ended up getting mad at him because he wouldn’t get buckled. After he was dropped off I told her that if she told me what Taylor and her had been talking about, I’d tell her what Heath had been trying to do. She agreed and I considered whether or not it was worth it. I decided it was. She was all, “Oh. That’s awkward. Because what Taylor and I were talking about was that if we were to date any of the guys in our group, it’d be you.” And that was about the time I got home.

And now I’m here and very confused.

I... got confused too, and I understood Inception

Originally Posted by Coidzor

So let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both up...

Spoiler

So two girls said they found you attracive but didn't have romantic designs upon you in a way that possibly meant that they found you to be eyecandy enough to have sex with.

Then you got left alone with one of them and she started pseudo-flirting with you.

Then she revealed that the other girl and herself had pegged you as the pick of the litter?

ah, much simpler

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

I suppose so. Although the one who wasn't there today has a boyfriend.

*grabs popcorn* this is better then any soap marketed for teenagers

Anyway, male bovine internally processed matter aside, I'd go out with her. See where it goes. worst case you're over your ex (and she over hers) and need to bear a little awkwardness for a few weeks, best case you'll have a girlfriend again .

[Chen]

Two women talking about who in their group they would date doesn't necessarily mean much in and of itself. Akin to the stereotypical "which of your girlfriends' friends would you rather bang" type male conversation (albeit less crude).

If you're interested in her, be direct and ask. While teenage drama tends to be the norm, its far simpler (and less stressful) to know one way or another.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Chen

Two women talking about who in their group they would date doesn't necessarily mean much in and of itself. Akin to the stereotypical "which of your girlfriends' friends would you rather bang" type male conversation (albeit less crude).

Hey, for all we know, that's exactly what happened!

I agree with Socratov, though.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

So let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both up...

so full of win...

also, now I can't stop humming it..damn you!

[AtlanteanTroll]

Originally Posted by Chen

If you're interested in her, be direct and ask. While teenage drama tends to be the norm, its far simpler (and less stressful) to know one way or another.

Trust me, I know this.

Originally Posted by Socratov

*grabs popcorn* this is better then any soap marketed for teenagers

It is an established fact within my closest circle of guyfriends that my lovelife is basically a really messed up cartoon.

Anyway, male bovine internally processed matter aside, I'd go out with her. See where it goes. Worst case you're over your ex (and she over hers) and need to bear a little awkwardness for a few weeks, best case you'll have a girlfriend again .

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

I agree with Socratov, though.

Hmmm. I guess I'll give it a shot. Her parents did think we were dating for two weeks after the Anime Convention a month or so ago.

[Coidzor]

Always so interesting when parentals do that, haha.

Just remember AT, it gets better.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Interesting indeed.

Spoiler

So, hung out with Julie and Heath again tonight. I had a choir concert, and they both came to see me. Anyway. We went to Mickey D's to hang out. And yeah. IDK. Julie and I were sitting really close together in one of those weird L shaped booths, and we were being flirty (I guess), and she was resting her leg on my lap for a solid half hour.

Merp. (This post is basically meaningless, I just felt like sharing.)

[Serpentine]

Yer in, mate

[Coidzor]

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.

[Dimonite]

So, after being in a committed relationship with the arts for a few years, I'm trying to get back into the regular human dating pool. Thing is, the amount of nothing I already knew about how this works has increased exponentially over time. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Coidzor]

That all depends on your context though, is the thing.

[Dimonite]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

That all depends on your context though, is the thing.

What kind of context do you need? I'm intimately familiar with the details of my own life, so I can give you any of them.

[Coidzor]

General age-group, what experience there is, goal, though I'm sure I'm forgetting most of it.

[Dimonite]

Age group: According to XKCD, my acceptable dating pool is 16-22, but being in college makes anything under 18 pretty infeasible.

Experience: one six-month relationship a couple years ago that ended... badly. I'm not exactly proud of the way I handled everything, but I learned a few things to NOT do.

Goal: A lady to be snuggling with.

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Dimonite

Age group: According to XKCD, my acceptable dating pool is 16-22

I don't really agree with xkcd on that. My girl & I are both 29 & as a couple are kinda* dating another girl who's 19 (our range based on xkcd would be 22-44 & hers would be 17-24). No one that knows all three of us seems to mind this one bit. I've never had a single person say "Dude, she's too young for you." That includes her parents & grandmother. In 5 years, us being together will suddenly be acceptable by xkcd's rule.

*Things aren't as serious with her as they are between my girl & I, but when my girl returns to me in December, we do intend to fly her here to hang out with us for a while. She's just finishing massage up school a month from now, so she'll be free of other responsibilities by then (unless she finds employment within a month of finishing). If she decides to stay, then things would likely get more serious.

[Iruka]

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

I don't really agree with xkcd on that. My girl & I are both 29 & as a couple are kinda* dating another girl who's 19 (our range based on xkcd would be 22-44 & hers would be 17-24). No one that knows all three of us seems to mind this one bit. I've never had a single person say "Dude, she's too young for you." That includes her parents & grandmother. In 5 years, us being together will suddenly be acceptable by xkcd's rule.

My parents would already freak out because of the relationship with three persons in it. Guess you got lucky. I don't know if I would like it if it was my daughter. 10 years age difference is nothing to sneeze at. I'm 26 now and I already consider 19-year-olds pretty much kids.

In two years it will suddenly suddenly acceptable for her to drink alcohol (assuming you're in the USA). Hard age limits are always weird but still helpful.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Originally Posted by Dimonite

Age group: According to XKCD, my acceptable dating pool is 16-22, but being in college makes anything under 18 pretty infeasible.

Experience: one six-month relationship a couple years ago that ended... badly. I'm not exactly proud of the way I handled everything, but I learned a few things to NOT do.

Goal: A lady to be snuggling with.

Alright, so what kind of advice are we looking for: Ways to meet women? Advise on dating? What's changed since you last were in the game? (this one I'd be bad at, I'm also out of practice with a 2 year gap...until now I suppose) Warning signs? What to look for?

[Dimonite]

Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

Alright, so what kind of advice are we looking for: Ways to meet women? Advise on dating? What's changed since you last were in the game? (this one I'd be bad at, I'm also out of practice with a 2 year gap...until now I suppose) Warning signs? What to look for?

Mostly ways to meet women. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "what to look for", but advice there would probably be helpful as well.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Originally Posted by Dimonite

Mostly ways to meet women. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "what to look for", but advice there would probably be helpful as well.

Alrighty. Best ways to meet women? Try new things. Bars often aren't the best place to meet someone. Maybe later take someone there, sure. Since you're in college, there's likely to be a bunch of ways to do this, but I've found one of the best ways I've met a bunch of people and it's been most rewarding is dancing. Chicks dig dancing. Especially things like swing dancing, or other ballrooms. I've had chicks I started getting involved with ask me often how the heck I'm single if I can swing dance, so that leads me to believe I might be on to something there. There's almost always more girls than guys at these things (dancing lessons, socials, so on) and once you know how to dance you'll be confident in asking someone standing there to dance with you. And trust me, I'm a trip up stairs, falls while standing in place kind of klutz, and I learned how to dance pretty well.

If your college doesn't have anything like that, there are often inexpensive programs within the community. Also, the dance network is huge! Even if you don't find someone right away, they'll help you.

If dancing just isn't your thing, try and find some activities that might work in its stead.

As for what to look for, it depends on what your preferences are, but might I recommend having in mind what you're looking for and don't sway from that just to get into a relationship. I for one can't date a smoker. I try and find out if someone I am interested in is one or not before hand, but I have ended up with someone who broke that preference and it didn't turn out well. They said they were quitting and never did, and you can't force someone to change that about them, they have to do that themselves. You might be able to encourage them. Ultimately, I had to end the relationship. It's easy to get into a relationship that isn't good for you by settling with someone that doesn't meet your standards, but I for one say that's lowering your self respect (so long as you have resonable standards, notyhing like: I only date women who have blue eyes).

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Iruka

My parents would already freak out because of the relationship with three persons in it. Guess you got lucky. I don't know if I would like it if it was my daughter. 10 years age difference is nothing to sneeze at. I'm 26 now and I already consider 19-year-olds pretty much kids.

In two years it will suddenly suddenly acceptable for her to drink alcohol (assuming you're in the USA). Hard age limits are always weird but still helpful.

Of the three of us, she's the only one that ever drinks (when she hangs out with drinkers.)

Many people don't really accept polyamory. My girl introduced the idea to me. She's also the one who asked the younger girl to join us. I was surprised when I let my mom know a small amount of my romantic life & found out she has a bigger problem with my polyamory than my Sadism (the latter of which I won't discuss here).

The younger girl's got high anxiety issues & finds people her own age more overwhelming. I also apparently give very calming hugs... (I managed to wind up with two girls that take anxiety medication.)

She's a sort of person that won't speak up to ensure her opinion is known. Where most people would assume she's having a good time because she's not making any complaints or suggestions, my girl & I specifically ask for her input on things because we know this about her & want her to enjoy things as much as we do. She can be content just doing what makes those around her happy, but enjoyment is better than simply being content.

Between her anxiety, especially around people her own age, & how easy it is for people to accidentally take advantage of her & not notice, I think our relationship is quite good for her.