Personal Woes and Advice 2

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari

This really just sounds like...people like to blame others for communication failures instead of recognizing that they played a role in the problem? I dunno, I'm also in the same situation pretty often. *shrugs, hugs*

My fear is that some of it's just stereotyping - that I can't overcome it by action, because it's not how I act that's the problem, but how I look, the timbre of my voice, and so on. I feel like I can get plenty of attention from people who like how I look, but that rarely extends to caring about what I say.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

My fear is that some of it's just stereotyping - that I can't overcome it by action, because it's not how I act that's the problem, but how I look, the timbre of my voice, and so on. I feel like I can get plenty of attention from people who like how I look, but that rarely extends to caring about what I say.

Huh. I mean, I suppose that's possible? I used to get told that I was boring to listen to and that it's my fault people don't pay attention to what I say because I have a very monotone voice. But to me, my voice doesn't sound monotone, so I don't know how to fix it.

Honestly, I guess what I was trying to say is...people like to make excuses for why it's not their fault they dismissed what you said. I'm not sure there's anything specific you can actually DO to fix that, though. *hugs*

[MonkeyBusiness]

Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari

Honestly, I guess what I was trying to say is...people like to make excuses for why it's not their fault they dismissed what you said. I'm not sure there's anything specific you can actually DO to fix that, though. *hugs*

That's my interpretation of what Cobra meant and also of the situation.

Kitty, maybe this isn't all about your school/work environment, but because of other things you've mentioned about it, I envision this as the problem place. And that's why I suspect Cobra has hit the sexist nail on the head. *pauses to smugly envision this* Yes. Where was I?

Do you think the woman-in-a-"man's world" is the relevant issue? Or is there something else involved? Or are you just entirely mystified?

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

That's my interpretation of what Cobra meant and also of the situation.

Kitty, maybe this isn't all about your school/work environment, but because of other things you've mentioned about it, I envision this as the problem place. And that's why I suspect Cobra has hit the sexist nail on the head. *pauses to smugly envision this* Yes. Where was I?

Do you think the woman-in-a-"man's world" is the relevant issue? Or is there something else involved? Or are you just entirely mystified?

I wouldn't say it's *the* relevant issue, but I would not be surprised if it's a major contributor. It bothers me particularly at school/work because getting noticed is such a big deal in the field - it's considered part of my qualifications. Professional reputation is a big deal, and a lot of it breaks down to "getting people to notice you.

Just in a bad mood. The percentage of the male population around here that seems primarily interested in checking me out is not helping. Seriously, when did "baby girl" even become a term of endearment anyway?

[THAC0]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

Seriously, when did "baby girl" even become a term of endearment anyway?

My husband calls the puppy that.

But an adult person? Yeah no.

[Crow]

I call our puppy that, too!

But not an adult. That's punch in balls material around these parts. Or at least sexual harassment lawsuit material...

[Castaras]

I need to rant and rave and wave my arms at someone, so this is going to be my rant bit. I don't know if I'll end up posting this after I'm done, but I need to gather my thoughts.

Spoiler

I've just had a scream at my dad, for the first time in years. I feel @$£!ing awful, because he was only trying to help, but I was pissed off already, and me being obstreperous escalated his worrying which meant we both raised voices at each other. In a way, me having to storm off in tears has helped me realise that I need to get my thoughts in order. I'm a bastard to be around at the moment, and I need to change that. To do that, I need to get to the source of the problems. So this will be working out what my issues are, and how best to solve some of them (I won't be able to solve all of them).

Before I came home, I was a very happy person. The last year has been the best in my life so far. I met new people, found I actually had a social life, and had the time to go forth and do the things I enjoy. The work was tough, and at times that got me down, but it didn't take much for me to be happy again. I had my friends, had things going on, and was very happy, compared to the content I was before university.

I've been back home... 21 days. while it's been 25 days since I returned from uni, 4 of those were spent at the uk meetup, which helped me retain my sanity for a bit. Wonderful people to talk with, and being able to live my own life. Set me back a lot on my finances, however.

Cue now. I have a camping trip set up with some university friends for early August - going to see the meteor showers and mess around and have a generally good time. Should be good. Again, very worried about the finances of it - I think I've got enough, but I am not doing well for money at the moment.

Now we have the first main worry - I was awful with money at uni for my first year. I spent and had fun and did crazy things - mid way through semester one, I ended up pretty much acting like I was self-catered, despite having catered accommodation - this didn't help, and I'm hoping next year now I have my own house that I'm sharing I'll be better off in that respect. At the end of the year, I had about 200 pounds. 100 of which went on the UK meetup, due to transport and food costs. So I have 100 pounds left for the camping, and then I'll have only my savings left, which I already had to dip into for the beginning rent for my house. Which is an awful feeling to have, because it means I'm going to be living on savings when I go back in September, at least until the student loan comes through. I have vague ideas for how I'm going to make sure I spend less when I go back to uni, and will put more detailed plans in place closer to the time. Or I might do it now, actually. Mum has been very worried about money - she worries about money in general. If I have my plan written out and my finances planned then it might put her mind at rest in that regard.

Because that's the second problem I have at the moment. My parents are both worried sick about me. I recently had flu, on top of hayfever, and I'm still recovering - I'm pretty much fine, but when I get upset my hayfever flares up, I find it difficult to breathe, and I can't stop coughing - which then gets worse because coughing irritates my throat so I cough more and ughh. Then I get my period problems - went to the doctor wednesday, will be calling in friday to see if they have test results back. That's worrying me, because I'm sexually active, and my partner is bisexual, and has had (and has) same sex partners before - so there is a chance that I have something. Which terrifies me. I can't deal with sickness well - I don't have an amazing constitution score, and I also have with more serious illnesses a psychological block (is that the right word?) which causes panic attacks, fainting, and thanks to my vivid imagination a wonderful set of stories that can come up in my head of worse case scenarios that make everything worse. It doesn't help that I don't understand a lot of the sicknesses and such. Due to my phobias I've not paid much attention when people have been explaining medical details, due to my fear of fainting and panic attacks - my self-esteem isn't the greatest, and I also get terrified of being seen as attention-seeking or needy. I like being independent, so use other coping techniques so that I don't end up collapsing on someone's floor.

Which brings me to the third problem. I've had a year where I've had my independence, lived on my own / with my friend with benefits. I'm having difficulties being back in a family household. It isn't anything that I can put my finger on, just... small things. They sound stupid, but things like being in a room next to my parents, and the bathroom next to my little brother, meaning I can't stay up as late as I did back at home.

And the fourth problem. I can't sleep at the moment. As soon as I get into bed, the coughing starts. Probably the state of my room, haven't really unpacked quite honestly, so haven't been able to tidy it much. But it takes me a couple of hours to be able to sleep, despite my regular bedtime being 11pm. But then falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning doesn't help my temper or my health when I have to get up early. If I can work out a way to sleep better, then that'll help that. I've tried reading before sleeping - last night ended up going to bed about midnight (later than before, was rather pissed off). Spent about half an hour reading through my maths textbooks - useful stuff, went over a chapter that I'd just finished reading, and hopefully consolidated what I had read before - which means that today I can get on with the questions for that chapter. I'm taking it slow with the work - I have until 1st September, pretty much, to get this work sorted.

Which is the fifth problem, and in all honesty the one that's causing me the most problems. I have this resit in September which if I fail to get 40%, I fail the year. Which in all honesty, probably would mean I beg them to transfer me to another course, and I'd be a first year again. Intellectually speaking. My thoughts just turn to failure, being unable to go back to uni, losing the life I had last year. I can tell the thoughts to bugger off, but they'll always be in the back of my mind no matter what I do. I can't seem to "enjoy" the games I play - I've been addicted to minecraft and tekkit and have been going away at those. But while they're fun, I just don't seem to be getting much pleasure out of them. I restart worlds, try doing the same things again and again. I play a little too much, while I have been working it hasn't been enough. Until this shouting match this morning, I had plans for exactly what I was going to do work-wise. I had finished reading through the chapter for the second time the night before, before I went to sleep, and I was going to play for the morning to calm myself and hopefully put myself in a bit of a better mood, and then spend the afternoon going through all the questions.
The argument I had was over work. My parents can see that I wasn't doing as much work as I could be. They didn't see that I had been doing work, and I have been trying. It's damned difficult when you have mental blocks and a constant black cloud telling you "nope, you can't do this, you're going to fail, you can't do maths, this module was the most important of last year and you failed it, you miserable little git." I do the work I can before the depression hits and I can't do more without welling up. I had hoped that last night's readthrough would give me confidence to step up and do what was needed. This argument has set me back a bit, but the plan will go ahead.

So that's five problems. Money, Illness, Independence, Sleep, Work. Whelp, that's most things in life isn't it.
Money problem, I can't make them go away instantly, but if I spend this morning setting up a plan, checking on how much things are likely to cost, then that'll put my mind at rest, and hopefully my parent's as well. Which means I should be able to enjoy the camping trip with less worries on my mind.
Illness, I just have to wait for the tests, keep taking the hayfever tablets and keep my spirits up. If I can't be happy then at least content would be good.
Independence I can't do anything about until September. Then, combined with my money, I can hopefully save enough money and talk to my landlords about staying in Leicester over the summer next year. I just have to stick it out, live by the rules of the house as best as possible and wait.
Sleep, I have no clue. I'll keep going with reading my textbook at night - if I can set it up so that I'm reading the textbook in the day and doing work, then rereading what I read at night, then that'll help both work and hopefully calm me down enough so I can sleep easier.
Work, see above. I need a strict routine which I can set up. I also need to when I've calmed down a bit and parents are back from work to go through with them what I need from them - which is basically, less talking about it. Both the nagging and the congratulations end up to me feeling very patronising and irritating and don't help, so if I can discuss with them about that. Might be easiest if I just ask them not to talk about it with me unless I bring it up. And then go to the effort of bringing up my rants about the work I've done that day.

Thanks for reading. I could use a hug, but otherwise I think I have everything under control. If you want to give advice go ahead, but I most likely will be doing what I've detailed in the last paragraph. Mum and dad both read the forums, so I'll probably point dad at this post as an explanation to my blow up at him this morning, and also a pointer as to what I'm going to do to try and help myself. It isn't much of an explanation, and not an excuse, but it might help. They worry about me, and want to help, but in all honesty, I think I'm going to do better if I work on helping myself rather than trying to rely on other people - if only because I hate having to rely on other people. Too stubborn and independent for my own good, heh.

Time to get to work.

[Astrella]

Originally Posted by Castaras

*snip*[/spoiler]

I don't really have much immediate advice so *hugs*. Hope you manage to keep things under control and best of luck with your resit.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Castaras:
*hugs tightly* You described exactly what I go through. It is hell.

You have clearly thought this over carefully, used the forum to vent and help clear your mind, and now you are taking action. This is one of the many reasons why I think you rock.

-Monkey

[Castaras]

*hugs back to Astrella and Monkey* Thanks.

Showed parents post, talked over things for a while with dad, and managed to get enough work done so I could say that I've finished a chapter of my textbook. All going to be okay - knew it would be, intellectually. But actually feeling like it's going to get better rather than just "knowing".

[Devmaar]

So tomorrow my girlfriend finally gets her knee surgery (yay!), unfortunately that means she'll be on complete bed rest for 2-4 weeks. Her parents won't let boys into the house so I'm not going to see her for weeks

The last time we went more than 2 days without hanging out was when she went to London MCM and before that it was the Easter holidays.

This is going to suck

[Astrella]

Originally Posted by Devmaar

So tomorrow my girlfriend finally gets her knee surgery (yay!), unfortunately that means she'll be on complete bed rest for 2-4 weeks. Her parents won't let boys into the house so I'm not going to see her for weeks

The last time we went more than 2 days without hanging out was when she went to London MCM and before that it was the Easter holidays.

This is going to suck

Aw.
Be sure to Skype and chat a lot to make it a bit less worse!

[The Succubus]

Originally Posted by Devmaar

So tomorrow my girlfriend finally gets her knee surgery (yay!), unfortunately that means she'll be on complete bed rest for 2-4 weeks. Her parents won't let boys into the house so I'm not going to see her for weeks

The last time we went more than 2 days without hanging out was when she went to London MCM and before that it was the Easter holidays.

This is going to suck

A thought occurs - why not send her a "Get Well" card that you've made yourself and put a photo inside it?

[Devmaar]

Yeah, we're staying in contact.
The card's a good idea, I'm seriously considering that.

And she's out of surgery now and recovering in hospital

Update: and now she's back home, we've had a chat and she's sleeping

[Musashi]

False alarm. This is not the post you're looking for.
Brain is a scum of the lowest sort.

[Lycunadari]

Originally Posted by Crow

*snip*.

Someone with the same problem like me! Thanks for your advise, I'll try this more next time.

Originally Posted by WarKitty

*snip*.

I already tried that- playing Carcasonne together, cooking together, going for a walk- but it wasn't enough. But thanks.

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

Lucy*snip*

Thank you so much! You really have a talent for cheering people up!
And your advise seems very valuable, I'll try them next time. Also, *hugs*

[MonkeyBusiness]

Devmaar,
Glad to hear your sweetie finally got her surgery and is recovering well.

Being apart is hard. One way to cope is to anticipate when you will be together again with some sort of planning activity. If there is somethingyour girlfriend would like to do, you can make plans for it during her weeks recovering. Perhaps she'd enjoy a party with her friends invited, for example. Don't get too elaborate with the plans (knees sometimes have other ideas about how fast they want to heal), but you might find that the time you spend pplanning something to make her happy will help you cope.

Mushashi,
Are you okay? That looks like a Lousy Day kind of post.

Lucy,
You are very welcome, sweetie. *hugs more*

-Monkey


.

[Draconi Redfir]

Ehhh sure i'll give this a try.

Lately I’ve been finding myself pretty down most of the time, it's not as bad now as it was a few days ago, but i figure it's worth mentioning anyways.

I'm not going to get into too much context here as it will involve hours of time and effort for everyone, myself included, but the major issue here is that I’ve somehow gotten a serious urge to talk to somebody i kind of consider a very close friend, the problem is we haven't talked in awhile, and some admittedly minor things they have said or done makes me wonder if maybe they find me annoying, something that terrifies me like nothing else. A bigger issue is that i really have no idea what to talk about, my mind is screaming at me "talk to them! talk to them!" But refuses to give me any reason why how or what about! And since I’m paranoid that maybe they don’t like me as much as i like them, I’m entirely incapable of actually attempting to do it! every time i try to ask i get as far as opening the message window and then entirely freeze up! My mind says to do it, but at the same time screams at me not to, and my body is too confused by the whole mess to do anything!

I mean this isn’t even a romantic thing or anything, they're just the closest friend i have on that particular community, and for some reason i seriously want to talk to them, but absolutely can't!

It's REALLY irritating

[rogueboy]

So, random update from the world of "it could be worse, but I wouldn't call it good right now"...

I realized yesterday morning (out of the blue) that my lack of motivation, both for doing things at work (grad school, so this is a very bad thing) and for just getting out of bed in the morning probably isn't a normal thing. I spoke with a counselor that knows me through a group therapy thing I'm doing about it, with depression being the first thing my exceedingly large amount of medical training (read: absolutely none) jumped to. Long story short, due to lack of mood being involved, she suggested it may be a physical symptom of something, and in a brief look through the DSM (in her office) I noticed hypothyroidism being indicated as a possible source of similar issues. Given family history (my dad) of hypothyroidism, this is the leading hypothesis at this point. I'm going to visit my parents in a week anyhow, so I've got an appointment with my GP for early after my return. Here's hoping it's something relatively simple like we think it might be!

[blackfox]

Originally Posted by rogueboy

*diseaaaaases*

Yep, that one got me too. IANAD but other symptoms of hypothyroid conditions include: fatigue, weight gain, dry/itchy skin, (increased) sensitivity to cold. I had all of these.

The test for hypothyroidism is a simple blood draw, and no more than one to three additional tests to determine the cause. Mine was autoimmune, which means it's not curable, but it's treatable--a pill a day on an empty stomach. Blood tests every three to six months or so. Not that bad overall for a drastic decrease in depression.

[rogueboy]

Originally Posted by blackfox

Yep, that one got me too. IANAD but other symptoms of hypothyroid conditions include: fatigue, weight gain, dry/itchy skin, (increased) sensitivity to cold. I had all of these.

Fatigue only as much as getting out of bed doesn't seem particularly attractive in the morning, dry/itchy skin hasn't bothered me, the other two it's a bit hard to tell... I've been going to the gym a lot, and weight's been stable; whether it's a weight loss fighting a weight gain thing or just muscle weighing more than mass, who knows. I'm also a lot thinner than I used to be, so cold affects me more, but that could easily just be that I don't have that same protective layer of blubber I had 6+ years ago (yes, I really was that out of shape when I was in high school).

The test for hypothyroidism is a simple blood draw, and no more than one to three additional tests to determine the cause. Mine was autoimmune, which means it's not curable, but it's treatable--a pill a day on an empty stomach. Blood tests every three to six months or so. Not that bad overall for a drastic decrease in depression.

I'm just hoping I can get a proper diagnosis in the week or so I'm back there so I don't have to go through the whole process again after I come back (or have to split the process and get doctors on opposite sides of the country to communicate effectively). And I know my dad's taking a pill a day, so it may be similar, but I don't really know much about it (and my dad couldn't remember if it was hypo or hyper, we had to figure it out based on what he's taking for it, so he may well not remember the cause).

[blackfox]

Originally Posted by rogueboy

Fatigue only as much as getting out of bed doesn't seem particularly attractive in the morning, dry/itchy skin hasn't bothered me, the other two it's a bit hard to tell... I've been going to the gym a lot, and weight's been stable; whether it's a weight loss fighting a weight gain thing or just muscle weighing more than mass, who knows. I'm also a lot thinner than I used to be, so cold affects me more, but that could easily just be that I don't have that same protective layer of blubber I had 6+ years ago (yes, I really was that out of shape when I was in high school).

So the thing about my particular hypothyroid condition is that it's autoimmune, which ends up meaning it kinda comes on in a subtle and/or insidious way. If you have a hypothyroid condition, you won't necessarily have the same symptoms in the same configuration as me. I just remember these symptoms cause they were the ones I had that got better after I got on synthetic thyroid hormone.

Originally Posted by rogueboy

I'm just hoping I can get a proper diagnosis in the week or so I'm back there so I don't have to go through the whole process again after I come back (or have to split the process and get doctors on opposite sides of the country to communicate effectively). And I know my dad's taking a pill a day, so it may be similar, but I don't really know much about it (and my dad couldn't remember if it was hypo or hyper, we had to figure it out based on what he's taking for it, so he may well not remember the cause).

Hrm, that sounds like extra fun. I've had to deal with something similar but at least everyone was in the same timezone. Best of luck to you.

One extra note: If your thyroid bloodwork turns out borderline hypo but not quite enough to warrant treatment, get it checked again in a couple years and/or if the depression gets significantly worse. This is basically what happened to me--got on psych meds for anxiety and seasonal depression at 16, depression got way worse and less seasonal sophomore year of college, got required blood tests when looking to augment and/or increase medication, found out my thyroid is borkened, got on thyroid meds, bam way less depression.

[rogueboy]

Originally Posted by blackfox

One extra note: If your thyroid bloodwork turns out borderline hypo but not quite enough to warrant treatment, get it checked again in a couple years and/or if the depression gets significantly worse. This is basically what happened to me--got on psych meds for anxiety and seasonal depression at 16, depression got way worse and less seasonal sophomore year of college, got required blood tests when looking to augment and/or increase medication, found out my thyroid is borkened, got on thyroid meds, bam way less depression.

Good to keep in mind. I've actually dealt with (not officially diagnosed, just observations of myself) some seasonal depression (or general depression that being able to play soccer [aka, not being winter] has been able to help with) over the past few years (had a friend suggest SAD when I talked to him, but he also has no real medical training). So we'll see what happens with the whole adventure

On a side note, it'll be the second time I've been on a regular medication, and the first one went horribly, horribly wrong (badly managed Paxil when I was 12... about 4 things wrong with that, if you know anything about Paxil). Hopefully this one will go better than that did

[blackfox]

Originally Posted by rogueboy

Good to keep in mind. I've actually dealt with (not officially diagnosed, just observations of myself) some seasonal depression (or general depression that being able to play soccer [aka, not being winter] has been able to help with) over the past few years (had a friend suggest SAD when I talked to him, but he also has no real medical training). So we'll see what happens with the whole adventure

On a side note, it'll be the second time I've been on a regular medication, and the first one went horribly, horribly wrong (badly managed Paxil when I was 12... about 4 things wrong with that, if you know anything about Paxil). Hopefully this one will go better than that did

I do not actually know anything about Paxil firsthand--I've only ever been on Prozac and BuSpar. I've heard all sorts of fun things about Paxil though. Hope this medical shenanigans ends well for you. Best of luck!

[dehro]

check out addison's disease. JFK had it.. as does my dad's wife.
I'm not well versed in the tecnical details of the illness.. but I do recognize some of the symptoms.. and it's something most GP either know little about or don't quite look for.

[Armin]

I have to ask God to remake me everyday. Every night I break into a thousand pieces like a shattered mirror.
If people would like to pray for someone who's suffering from every direction in life, please do.

[Taffimai]

Will do, Armin. Take care.

[rogueboy]

Originally Posted by Armin

I have to ask God to remake me everyday. Every night I break into a thousand pieces like a shattered mirror.
If people would like to pray for someone who's suffering from every direction in life, please do.

Armin, I know you posted on the RWA thread before being pointed here (and got some input over there), but if you want to expand a bit more, we can try giving you some ideas that might help, at least as stopgap measures.

My standard advice (based on your comments in RWA) is to find something that provides you with some level of destress/release. For me, it's playing soccer. I know others who find reading to be the best release, or doing some crafts project or another. The key is to find something that works for you. It may take a few tries to find something effective.

[Lycunadari]

Originally Posted by rogueboy

My standard advice (based on your comments in RWA) is to find something that provides you with some level of destress/release. For me, it's playing soccer. I know others who find reading to be the best release, or doing some crafts project or another. The key is to find something that works for you. It may take a few tries to find something effective.

Music can also help a lot. Not just listening to music, because that leaves too much space to think, but doing music yourself. Singing, or playing an instrument is great to distract from one's thoughts, at least they aren't able to consume you fully.

[Skeppio]

Spoiler

(Can you believe I spent the entire day trying to write this?)

Having a MASSIVE bout of dysphoria. I'd give anything to be a woman, but nooo.... I had to be born male. Had to be everything I wish I wasn't. And without drastic surgery and years of therapy and drugs, I'll never get this problem fixed. Trying on dresses and heels isn't gonna cut it (and I'd look hideous in them). I'm disgusted by my own body every single day. Utterly disgusted.

I hate that I'm looked down upon for what I like. Just because it's not standard 'guy' stuff. I like romance stories. I like cute things. But others don't, and that's enough reason to judge me. I'm a lesser being in their eyes. (These same people will then pester and outright harrass me to love My Little Pony, even after I've made it clear I'm not interested. HYPOCRITES! )

I can't find motivation to do anything. I want to create stuff, but I don't know what to make. And whatever I made, no-one would care. They'd ignore it, if I'm lucky. Or they'd mock my ability to write a character, or call my drawing style derivative and boring.
If I create something for my enjoyment, I'd be criticised for 'mary-sue characters' and 'too happy and sugary tones'. People only want to see scumbag characters in grim-dark cynical settings getting away with atrocious and inhuman crimes.
If I make something to express or cope with my frustrations and depression, I'm a 'whiny emo' who writes stupid whiny crap to milk sympathy from people with worse problems (apparently any insignificant issues counts as worse). I just can't win with people.

I don't even tell anyone about my problems anymore. I don't want them to worry. I don't want people to think I'm weak and whiny. And I REALLY don't want anyone to barge on in and tell me "you deserve it". I find it very hard to believe no-one would.