Personal Woes and Advice 2

[fergo]

You're in uni halls, right? It can be hell, it really, really can. Most people (especially the more... socially awkward of us, a group I readily class myself in).

I have to congratulate you on actually standing up to those idiots, even if it had negative consequences. It's all too easy to just bow down and take it. God knows that's pretty much all I did, last year.

Are you near the end of year term? Where are you living next year? Things are better when you're living with people you actually want to live with

[CoffeeIncluded]

Originally Posted by fergo

You're in uni halls, right? It can be hell, it really, really can. Most people (especially the more... socially awkward of us, a group I readily class myself in).

I have to congratulate you on actually standing up to those idiots, even if it had negative consequences. It's all too easy to just bow down and take it. God knows that's pretty much all I did, last year.

Are you near the end of year term? Where are you living next year? Things are better when you're living with people you actually want to live with

Next year I'm living with my friends, who care about me, in the newest dorm on campus.

And no, I didn't stand up to them. I'm far too passive; I've just been taking it. I'm talking to the RA and hallmaster or whoever she is today.

And wait! It gets better! Not only did they flat-out say that they don't care that I had a quiz, and that I should just "deal with it," it being their being complete *******s when drunk, not only do they revel in the belief that being drunk gives them license to do whatever the hell the want, they then have the gall to say that I'm not a compassionate person, AND I SHOULD COUNT MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE A ROOMMATE LIKE MINE!

[fergo]

I know it's not what you want to hear, but short of all-out going to war with your flatmates (which will not help, not even in the short term), all you can do is endure it . Living with people you find incredibly annoying is, unfortunately, part of the university experience (and good training for real life), as is being woken up in the middle of the night by drunk idiots.

Last year, I was living in a flat with randomers. On the whole, I got along with them, and it could have been so much worse, but still, they (metaphorically) did my tits in.

I remember one time me and my girlfriend had came back at 4 p.m. and were messing around (no, not that way) in the sitting room, laughing and everything, probably pretty loudly.

My flatmates asked me to stop because they were asleep. This from the people who invited a whole load of ********s over at least once a week to have a massive party until the early hours of the morning, had a stupid game they played where they jumped out at each other and screamed really loudly, which regularly went on well after midnight, and (one of them at least) bought a massive pair of speakers and positioned them against my wall, so literally every night I was kept awake as the whole wall shook with her (frankly awful) music.

Not as bad as your problems, sure, but it was infuriating at the time .

So, yeah, my point is... it gets better . Just live through it. And vent on here .

[Skeppio]

Today was a plus.

Had a good time playing with my project. And I animated a monster made of gears. Gears are cool. :D

And a classmate shouted me lunch because I had no money! ^_^ I won't forget to pay him back when I get some cash next!

And I got the pokemon card I ordered in the mail today! Klinklang is miiiiine.

[prufock]

Originally Posted by fergo

I remember one time me and my girlfriend had came back at 4 p.m. and were messing around (no, not that way) in the sitting room, laughing and everything, probably pretty loudly.

My flatmates asked me to stop because they were asleep. This from the people who invited a whole load of ********s over at least once a week to have a massive party until the early hours of the morning, had a stupid game they played where they jumped out at each other and screamed really loudly, which regularly went on well after midnight, and (one of them at least) bought a massive pair of speakers and positioned them against my wall, so literally every night I was kept awake as the whole wall shook with her (frankly awful) music.

I hope your answer was "no."

Originally Posted by CoffeeIncluded

And wait! It gets better! Not only did they flat-out say that they don't care that I had a quiz, and that I should just "deal with it," it being their being complete *******s when drunk, not only do they revel in the belief that being drunk gives them license to do whatever the hell the want, they then have the gall to say that I'm not a compassionate person, AND I SHOULD COUNT MYSELF LUCKY TO HAVE A ROOMMATE LIKE MINE!

How are they when sober? My personal take is that alcohol excuses nothing. If they act like jerks when drunk, treat them like jerks when sober.

If talking to them doesn't work, call campus enforcement and place a noise complaint. Definitely lodge a noise complaint with your res admin - enough rule infractions can get someone kicked out.

[rogueboy]

Originally Posted by Skeppio

Today was a plus.

Had a good time playing with my project. And I animated a monster made of gears. Gears are cool. :D

And a classmate shouted me lunch because I had no money! ^_^ I won't forget to pay him back when I get some cash next!

And I got the pokemon card I ordered in the mail today! Klinklang is miiiiine.

Hurray for Skeppy! Glad to hear things are going well for you.

[Form]

***********, looks I'm going to have to play diplomat again when I really don't want to. One minor fight and immediately I get this passive aggressive crap thrown at me. I'd really like to respond in kind and inflict as much pain as possible simply because I'm really pissed off right now, but that's not the way I do things. I'll have to wait until I've calmed down and then make an effort to talk things out I suppose. It feels like it's being forced on me, though. I don't want to be the reasonable one in this, but I have to. It's that last bit that I really hate.

[Grinner]

@Form: Maybe you could explain what's wrong? And then we could try to help.

[Form]

Originally Posted by Scotchland

@Form: Maybe you could explain what's wrong? And then we could try to help.

Naw, I know it's vague, but I was just venting and I don't want to go into specifics. Anyway, I figure if I take a diplomatic approach I can probably patch things up. It's just that feels like I'm being emotionally blackmailed into it by passive aggressive behaviour. I mean, right after a minor fight our facebook friendship status changes. :/

[prufock]

Originally Posted by Form

***********, looks I'm going to have to play diplomat again when I really don't want to. One minor fight and immediately I get this passive aggressive crap thrown at me. I'd really like to respond in kind and inflict as much pain as possible simply because I'm really pissed off right now, but that's not the way I do things. I'll have to wait until I've calmed down and then make an effort to talk things out I suppose. It feels like it's being forced on me, though. I don't want to be the reasonable one in this, but I have to. It's that last bit that I really hate.

Why be passive aggressive when you can just be aggressive? Or, rather, assertive.

[Objection]

Originally Posted by prufock

Why be passive aggressive when you can just be aggressive? Or, rather, assertive.

Because being passive aggressive has no immediate negative consequences, while being assertive can have them depending on who's involved and being aggressive will definitely have them.

Not that I'm trying to advocate being passive aggressive, just that I think that's why people choose that option.

[Mynxae]

I know this may sound childish, but my personal woe tonight involves a video game, aka, World of Warcraft.

I'm on there with the Guild I'm in, and we were doing a Burning Crusade Raid, as is usual on a Sunday night (aussie server, Nagrand). There's this guy ('Rad' is what he's known by) in the Guild who's been fighting with me previously a few times who the Guild Master (who I have actually known -longer- {by several months} than he has) has refused to kick out, even though all he adds to the guild is noob-ish-ness and stupidity.

He had the -gall- tonight, to bring my parentage into the picture in a, let's say, 'disagreement' we were having tonight during the raid. And all the Guild Master has to say 'Oh he's just baiting you, he's fine.'. I said *insert swear word here* this, and closed WoW and Vent (on voice with a few people in the Guild, including Guild Master). Now I'm just very angry and craving a cigarette like I always do when I'm angry, and I haven't smoked for quite a while. It was the only thing that took the edge off of anger.

Anyone know how to help?

Also, quitting the Guild would only be a last resort. I'm sick of this guy though, hence why I'm torn. He and -maybe- one or two others are the -only- problems I have in the Guild.

[Castaras]

Fraid the best thing to do is ignore them.

I had this issue when I was on Anarchy Online - there were one or two people in our organisation who were *very* irritating. So I just didn't talk to them.

Quitting is another option - are there any others in the guild who feel the same way about this guy as you do?

[Skeppio]

Originally Posted by Mynxae

I know this may sound childish, but my personal woe tonight involves a video game, aka, World of Warcraft.

I'm on there with the Guild I'm in, and we were doing a Burning Crusade Raid, as is usual on a Sunday night (aussie server, Nagrand). There's this guy ('Rad' is what he's known by) in the Guild who's been fighting with me previously a few times who the Guild Master (who I have actually known -longer- {by several months} than he has) has refused to kick out, even though all he adds to the guild is noob-ish-ness and stupidity.

He had the -gall- tonight, to bring my parentage into the picture in a, let's say, 'disagreement' we were having tonight during the raid. And all the Guild Master has to say 'Oh he's just baiting you, he's fine.'. I said *insert swear word here* this, and closed WoW and Vent (on voice with a few people in the Guild, including Guild Master). Now I'm just very angry and craving a cigarette like I always do when I'm angry, and I haven't smoked for quite a while. It was the only thing that took the edge off of anger.

Anyone know how to help?

Also, quitting the Guild would only be a last resort. I'm sick of this guy though, hence why I'm torn. He and -maybe- one or two others are the -only- problems I have in the Guild.

Ugh, there's always one idiot in every guild, isn't there?

Maybe give your GM another talking to. Try to stress how this guy really gets to you. Hopefully the GM can sort it out, seeing as he has the authority to just boot the guy if he's not co-operating.

/ignore is another option, but it might be a tad problematic if you're both consistently in the raid team.

Most extreme case scenario, you could send a report to a mod if things are really out of hand and heavily abusive. It is in the Terms of Service, after all.

[WarKitty]

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

I don't really like therapist because I always feel like I remember the one thing I really wanted to talk about right as I leave, and the way they directed the conversation is part of why I forgot it in the first place. >.<


*hugs tight*...I don't really know much about how therapy works, but if you ever need someone to listen and care...I'm always here for you.

[rogueboy]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

So I finally have a therapist appointment. Which is good I guess.

The problem is I have absolutely no idea what therapy is supposed to do anymore. I've been to plenty of therapists, and it all seems to have the same pattern - you sit there and talk for 45min, get a few platitudes, and leave. Not useful. I know I'm supposed to be seeing someone because that's what you do for mental health, but I have absolutely no idea why anymore.

Would it help to start by trying to get an explanation of what therapists are supposed to help with? I know that, at least for me, without buying into the reasons (and methods), it's not going to be helpful. But with a knowledge of what I'm trying to get out of therapy (albeit group right now, not individual, so there's some pretty significant differences there), I know that I'm not going to get anything out of it.

I understand that doing the above seems like a waste of a session (or part of one), if your alternative is to have no idea what you're supposed to be gaining (and thus not actually gaining anything, if you're like me), it's probably a worthy investment of your time.

[Yora]

Of course there is not much use if you are talking but have no idea why you are talking about it. But that's mostly how it goes. If you find yourself again in such a situation, ask what the person you are seeing has planned to do.
Unless they are completely useless as their job, they should know very well what they are doing.
In the beginning, you first need to find out what is actually bothering you, so it will be rather unspecific at first until you are getting a better picture what's actually going on. Some things that may be important may not be apparent to you, so it's good to look into things that may be unrelated as well. If there's nothing of relevance, so be it. But it's a better approach than to focus only on a single issue, while the whole problem may actually be caused by an issue that appears unrelated at first glance.

So my advice is to ask the person to explain to you what you are doing and how it is supposed to work.

[Hipho]

I apologize if this sounds like useless teenage whining but I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Spoiler

First of all, some background. I'm 17, live at home with my fsther(mom died over a decade ago), a junior in an online highschool, and got a part time job about two months ago working 9-15 hours a week.

Now, recently my grades have been dropping. I've been an A-B student my whole life, and when I started highschool that didn't change. This year my school got picked up and absorbed into another one and everything changed. Weather it's the constant tech issues or the asinine and confusing wording of the textbooks I've dropped to a C-D grades and Im in danger of failing a couple of them. Now the school really isn't the only thing at fault. In-fact most of it is me. I get into this circle where I either couldn't give less of a **** if I tried or care too much, freak out and have a panic attack. Very little gets done either way. The fact that I have no clue at all what I want to do in life just makes the panic attacks a bit worse.

Now my dad is very much so the 'any mental problems can be solved easily by force of will' kind of guy. So any attempt at me suggesting that maybe I need some help either he or I can't provide has just been a brick wall.

So, any tips on how I could cope or deal with this?

[Yora]

Well, we've all been there. Some had it harder, some less. But that's happening to everyone. That's not a problem. Nothing whiny about that.

Now you feel that there's something going wrong, which you want to change, but you can't manage to get down all by yourself. The approach of "just try harder, then it's as easy as it is for everyone else" does in fact not work. There are lots of possible reasons that make trying harder pretty much impossible. I've been strungling with such problems myself. The good thing is, that these days there are many places and people that can help in these situations, and many of them offer free service to anyone, without insurances getting involved, no registration required, and no requirement for parental consent. If your father thinks that's all useless rubbish, he's free to his oppinion and you're free to do it by yourself. At 17, it should not be that difficult. The most difficult part is finding out who these people and organizations are, that can offer you help. None of them (I hope) will turn down anyone because they think your problem is not worth their time. Everyone who thinks he needs help, does have something that is worth getting help for, whatever it may be. If it's actually very easy to solve, that's great for everyone.
But in times of the internet, that's not really very difficult at all, if you have an idea what you are looking for. What country do you live in?

[dehro]

I'll play devil's advocate and ask you if you've in fact given your father's approach the due consideration and actually tried it his way..
because you're 17 and what you're going through really isn't all that unique..most people I know, including myself, at some stage in high school have had a personal crisis moment, or found themselves with a big lump of uncertainty weighing on their shoulders. And again, most people at 17 tend to dismiss what their parents say out of hand on the principle that "you're not me/I'm not like you" "you don't know how hard it is" "the times have changed" "you don't understand me" etc etc.. I've done it myself.. to a degree I still do. Sometimes I've been proven right..most often I have not.
but...
Your dad may not be saying it the right way or bring any practical solutions other than statements of "try to want it more/harder" variety..but the principle may be valid that you simply need to go back to a place of comfort and re-focus.
How to do that..well..you know yourself better than we do..and your dad probably has some of that knowledge too.. I duubt we can come up with anything more useful than him or yourself.
I wouldn't go running for outside help as a first solution but only after you and your dad together have tried to work on your dad's suggestions/approach and developed it into something that you can actually act on, other than being at the receiving end of a pep-talk

of course if you have done that already and it didn't help..then by all means.. teachers should be trained to at least know where to direct you to to find the proper help.. some teachers have insights and prior experience that may help you nail the problem..also, involving them shows them that you care about your grades and want to do well..which will positively affect their judgement of your performances. (I'm assuming that at least a few of them are actually teachers that care about their students).
so.. if there is an issue, I'd look for help within the school institution itself.

[Hipho]

I live in the U.S.A.

And Thankyou for any and all help.

Edit: and yeah I did try the force of will thing. It worked for a week or two and then I spent a week in a wonderful pit of depression because my will broke.

[Yora]

Phew, then there are probably different services in different states. I also don't know the commonly used terms for them that are used in america. But it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Looking at the website of your city administration might be a good start, and if you are really lost, there are lots of Americans here who would be able to help you figuring out for what terms you'd have to search on google.

[MethosH]

Originally Posted by Hipho

I live in the U.S.A.

And Thankyou for any and all help.

Edit: and yeah I did try the force of will thing. It worked for a week or two and then I spent a week in a wonderful pit of depression because my will broke.

You know what you do when you will broke? You look at that god damn mirror and says "F u will! Get your things together! You will broke when I SAY you can! Listen to me life, YOU don't break ME! I BREAK THE **** OUT OF YOU! "

Thats right! Get really mad at life!

Life is full of things that seems annoying, boring and pointless. But you need to get through those before you can get to the awesome part, like.. sharks with lasers.

Consider yourself a low level character and go level up. Or maybe a dedicated GM getting ready to master a life campaign. That kinds of works for me.

EDIT:

Also

Spoiler

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by Yora

Of course there is not much use if you are talking but have no idea why you are talking about it. But that's mostly how it goes. If you find yourself again in such a situation, ask what the person you are seeing has planned to do.
Unless they are completely useless as their job, they should know very well what they are doing.
In the beginning, you first need to find out what is actually bothering you, so it will be rather unspecific at first until you are getting a better picture what's actually going on. Some things that may be important may not be apparent to you, so it's good to look into things that may be unrelated as well. If there's nothing of relevance, so be it. But it's a better approach than to focus only on a single issue, while the whole problem may actually be caused by an issue that appears unrelated at first glance.

So my advice is to ask the person to explain to you what you are doing and how it is supposed to work.

Actually, I usually have the opposite problem - I know exactly what's bothering me and why, I just don't have any control over the situation. And it doesn't seem like the kind of thing I can just "let go."

[Yora]

Well, then that's the actual problem you need to get to.

When I have troubles organizing the tasks I need to do and suffer the consequences, that is the immediate problem. But that's not the source of all my troubles, that's only how they manifest in the most visible way.
That part has always been easy for me: "All I need to do is to do things immediately and not move them to a later date indefinately." I know that, that's obvious. But why am I not able to do such a simple thing? That's the bigger problem and the one that actually needs to get tackled.

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by Yora

Well, then that's the actual problem you need to get to.

When I have troubles organizing the tasks I need to do and suffer the consequences, that is the immediate problem. But that's not the source of all my troubles, that's only how they manifest in the most visible way.
That part has always been easy for me: "All I need to do is to do things immediately and not move them to a later date indefinately." I know that, that's obvious. But why am I not able to do such a simple thing? That's the bigger problem and the one that actually needs to get tackled.

Yeah. I mean, I've been through the whole problem with a bunch of other counselors. I'm down to the issue of "how do I live in a world where there's a high chance of getting completely screwed over and there's absolutely nothing I can do if that's what someone decides to do." Usually I just get some random platitudes followed by "wow, um, yeah, that's not supposed to be possible."

[Hipho]

Soooo you're saying I should get combustible lemons and burn my house down while yelling at myself in the mirror?

[Yora]

This one time I dare being direct and say: Don't listen to MethosH. Whatever he wants to say, this does not appear like a coherent and structured argument.

Originally Posted by WarKitty

Yeah. I mean, I've been through the whole problem with a bunch of other counselors. I'm down to the issue of "how do I live in a world where there's a high chance of getting completely screwed over and there's absolutely nothing I can do if that's what someone decides to do." Usually I just get some random platitudes followed by "wow, um, yeah, that's not supposed to be possible."

Well, I just drop this in here and we won't comment on it any further, but maybe you could find something useful for you in looking into buddhist philosophy. What you describe is pretty much exactly the thing it is all about, and all the arguments actually work completely independent of any believes in supernatural things. BuddhistSocietyWA has a large number of lectures on youtube that deal with all kinds of questions, and they are made by Westerners for a western audience, so they leave out the supernatural believes of Southeast-Asia that don't have any actual relevance to the philosophy itself.

If anyone has any questions regarding this, send me a PM.

[MethosH]

Originally Posted by Hipho

Soooo you're saying I should get combustible lemons and burn my house down while yelling at myself in the mirror?

Almost. You should yell at life! You say to life "Go to hell! I will accept your challenge and beat the crap out of you!" and then you go and win some internets. Don't worry too much about bad results, but recognize them. And always enjoy the most of the good results.