Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Nexus-R.C._Mina]

Originally Posted by Castaras

This could have an impact, y'know. Being tired makes me feel depressed. Sleep is a good thing, and you should have some. Work on catching up.

For what it's worth... Seconded. Immensely. Sleep is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It not only helps the flesh recuperate and revitalize, but the mind and the soul as well. Sleep helps you both to remember things you're looking for and forget the woes of the day. Sleep helps clear the blood-ways and the thought-ways. Sometimes, a little bit of a break to rest or catch up on sleep can indeed help catch up with work and other matters.

[AtlanteanTroll]

The sleep thing makes sense and all, but I don't think that's what it is. Seeing as how that happened Tuesday-Wednesday and I got a lot of sleep Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Plus, I felt very awake through out Wednesday ... Very a live. Perhaps though.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Hate to double post, especially since it makes me look like a freaking ... ... ... I don't even know. But.

So here I am. Home alone. Making myself some pasta because I'm a bum and haven't eaten all day. My dad's been gone for hours on some date. I haven't left the house for more than 2 hours in 3 day. I feel awesome!

[WarKitty]

When did our society become so...romance-focused? I'm finding that I'm just lonely, but I don't want to go on dates. Except I don't feel like there's anywhere to go, you know? I want more than just seeing a few people once a week - I want real, strong, lasting relationships.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

When did our society become so...romance-focused? I'm finding that I'm just lonely, but I don't want to go on dates. Except I don't feel like there's anywhere to go, you know? I want more than just seeing a few people once a week - I want real, strong, lasting relationships.

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance?

[Objection]

Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance?

I wonder how one could have a romantic relationship without romance. I guess maybe it'd have something to do with performing the actions of a romantic relationship but without the romantic intent? I don't know, that sounds a bit ... shady.

EDIT: Or maybe it's the opposite, like a relationship with romantic intent but without the romantic actions?

[Serpentine]

Originally Posted by Cobra_Ikari

I'm confused as to what you're saying. You don't want romance, or dates, you want strong relationships? From the "few people once a week" comment, would these be, like, a close enduring group of friends, relationship, or are you talking about a romantic relationship...without...romance?

...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

[Cobra_Ikari]

Originally Posted by Serpentine

...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

Pretty sure I covered all those in my original post. =P

[Form]

Sounds like a desire for close friendships to me. You could deepen already existing friendships by doing some bonding activities together. It'll take some time of course.

[Blue Ghost]

Yeah... Deep friendships are hard to come by, and a lot of people aren't willing to be real enough with their friends to develop such relationships. I think the best way to do so would be to take the initiative. Open up to the friends that you have, be vulnerable, and I bet at least some of them will do the same to you.

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by Serpentine

...or she could mean small-r relationship, as in friendships and the like? Or maybe she wants to skip the dating part and go straight to the comfortable part... Or both!

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

So...long-distance capable...friendshippy type things? I thought that was what we were for! =P

More seriously, I have no idea how to get into that after a certain point. Maybe people with whom you share hobbies or something? I was lucky enough to have a close group of friends that endured in spite of scattering across the country, and I know I'd be completely lost without them. *hugs* =\

[blackfox]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

Every time I've managed that it's been through shared interests and activities. Most often, multiplayer video games, at least for me. Without doing things like this, I've never managed to keep in touch with people who move or go to different schools or whatnot, sadly.

[Feytalist]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

The first one. I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move (which happens often in my field) or gets married or what have you. But I'm not looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. But I just don't feel like that's an available option in our society, and I feel like I'm marked out as really weird for not wanting one.

My oldest and very best friend is a girl who I've known for close to 13 years now. We started hanging out simply because we were placed next to each other in choir practice one day. There was some mutual romantic attraction early on, but we've moved way past that by now. We haven't got much in common, a similar sense of humour maybe, but ours is the deepest and most open friendship I have. We live 400km apart now and it's still like that.

So relationships like that aren't weird. Maybe just uncommon. My point is that such relationships take time. You're not expected or supposed to open up like that to someone you've just met. First you have to find someone you can actually stand to be around. Strike up a normal friendship. Also it doesn't hurt if you go through some stuff together. The term fire-forged friendship isn't used for nothing. Maybe it develops into something more over time. It's worth trying anyway.

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by Feytalist

My oldest and very best friend is a girl who I've known for close to 13 years now. We started hanging out simply because we were placed next to each other in choir practice one day. There was some mutual romantic attraction early on, but we've moved way past that by now. We haven't got much in common, a similar sense of humour maybe, but ours is the deepest and most open friendship I have. We live 400km apart now and it's still like that.

So relationships like that aren't weird. Maybe just uncommon. My point is that such relationships take time. You're not expected or supposed to open up like that to someone you've just met. First you have to find someone you can actually stand to be around. Strike up a normal friendship. Also it doesn't hurt if you go through some stuff together. The term fire-forged friendship isn't used for nothing. Maybe it develops into something more over time. It's worth trying anyway.

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

[The Succubus]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

I can understand that, Kitty. I can understand it all too well.

For about 10 years, my job involved me moving all over the country for short periods of time - sometimes as long as a year, sometimes only a few weeks. I'd socialise with people easily enough but there was always that metaphorical Sword of Damocles over my friendships. I think it may have messed with my ability to make normal long term friendships with people. My romantic nature didn't help matters much either. >.>

[THAC0]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

I wonder if the time thing isn't part of the problem. I've never been able to know someone IRL for more than a year or two without one of us moving away. And that doesn't look hugely likely to change.

Don't give up. I'm in a similar position - we move every three years, and since everyone around us also moves every three years it's rare to overlap for more than a year or two. I'm also the most unsocial person ever, but I managed to find an awesome friend by sheer happenstance. We were only in the same area for about six months, but we'll travel all over the country to hang out and have adventures.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

I'm looking for relationships that will last and not just fall apart when someone has to move ... or gets married or what have you.

You and me both, kid! It's difficult to find friendships of this caliber. When I went through my divorce, I discovered who my true friends really are, because for some reason once I stopped being part of a "matched set", people who had known me and classifed me in terms of my marriage just ... vanished. It was dumb ... but it was also deeply hurtful.

It was pretty harrowing to watch so many friends "forget" me when I needed them most. What was worse were the friends who decided to put the moves on me now that I seemed to be "available". I was not available, just not married anymore. One those friends was someone I cared about a lot, and he did not react well. That was worse than the vanishing act.

Having said that, I survived it, figured out who my real friends were, and made some new friends, too. I am choosier now, though.

But to be honest, I don't think it has to do entirely with society. True friendships have always been hard to find and keep. Seneca, Montaigne, and Bacon all wrote about friendship. I think it's just part of the human condition: the need for friendship contrasted with all the fears and complications involved when two human beings depend on each other.

The oldest bit of written-down story, the poem of Gilgamesh, is all about a close friendship, and what happens when that friendship is lost. So is the *Illiad*.

*thinks about that a moment. Wanders off to write*














.

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

You and me both, kid! It's difficult to find friendships of this caliber. When I went through my divorce, I discovered who my true friends really are, because for some reason once I stopped being part of a "matched set", people who had known me and classifed me in terms of my marriage just ... vanished. It was dumb ... but it was also deeply hurtful.

It was pretty harrowing to watch so many friends "forget" me when I needed them most. What was worse were the friends who decided to put the moves on me now that I seemed to be "available". I was not available, just not married anymore. One those friends was someone I cared about a lot, and he did not react well. That was worse than the vanishing act.

Having said that, I survived it, figured out who my real friends were, and made some new friends, too. I am choosier now, though.

But to be honest, I don't think it has to do entirely with society. True friendships have always been hard to find and keep. Seneca, Montaigne, and Bacon all wrote about friendship. I think it's just part of the human condition: the need for friendship contrasted with all the fears and complications involved when two human beings depend on each other.

The oldest bit of written-down story, the poem of Gilgamesh, is all about a close friendship, and what happens when that friendship is lost. So is the *Illiad*.

*thinks about that a moment. Wanders off to write*

The main frustration with society is that most people around me seem to have the beliefs that:
(1) All single people are automatically desirous of getting into a relationship right away.
(2) The only relationships that can be expected to last are romantic partnerships.

It's really hard to build strong friendships when most people around you don't believe there is any such thing.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

The main frustration with society is that most people around me seem to have the beliefs that:
(1) All single people are automatically desirous of getting into a relationship right away.
(2) The only relationships that can be expected to last are romantic partnerships.

It's really hard to build strong friendships when most people around you don't believe there is any such thing.

*nods*
You forgot one, though:

3. The only important relationships are romantic ones.

I hate that number three. Let me tell you, after years in a "romantic relationship" that was very lonely (the man previously known as my husband was always "too busy" to spend time with me) I am so damn happy to be single.

This is not to say I don't sometimes wish I had someone I could hold hands with, or cuddle, or make wild and passionate Monkeysex to. But mostly I feel relief to not be stuck in a relationship that was no longer the other person's top priority. Part of what makes friendship so wonderful is that friends are less likely to have the (mistaken) hope that the other person in the friendship will be a soulmate, or that a soulmate is even desireable.

Friends can just be people who like each other a whole lot, and are free to be as devoted as they choose.

[WarKitty]

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

*nods*
You forgot one, though:

3. The only important relationships are romantic ones.

I hate that number three. Let me tell you, after years in a "romantic relationship" that was very lonely (the man previously known as my husband was always "too busy" to spend time with me) I am so damn happy to be single.

This is not to say I don't sometimes wish I had someone I could hold hands with, or cuddle, or make wild and passionate Monkeysex to. But mostly I feel relief to not be stuck in a relationship that was no longer the other person's top priority. Part of what makes friendship so wonderful is that friends are less likely to have the (mistaken) hope that the other person in the friendship will be a soulmate, or that a soulmate is even desireable.

Friends can just be people who like each other a whole lot, and are free to be as devoted as they choose.

Yeesh do I get that one. That's part of my complaint about the tendency people have to veer off when they find a romantic partner - they have their partner, so they don't need to worry about friendships anymore. Or if we have a strong relationship, it's a threat to their new partner and has to be broken up.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Originally Posted by WarKitty

Yeesh do I get that one. That's part of my complaint about the tendency people have to veer off when they find a romantic partner - they have their partner, so they don't need to worry about friendships anymore. Or if we have a strong relationship, it's a threat to their new partner and has to be broken up.

What is ironic is this: the main reason why I am now divorced is because the man previously known as my husband veered in the opposite extreme. He never invested time in our friendship. This was devastating, because I considered him, for many years, to be my best friend. When he stopped treating me as a friend and started treating me as "the litttle woman" (a simplification of the situation, but good enough for this conversation, for now) the marriage began to falter. I'm still not sure what my contribution was to that situation ... because he was never willing to discuss it. /grousing

Not sure where I'm going with that observation right now, but I felt I needed to say that.

Friendships, like any relationship, require work. I suspect that because we think of our friends as those we go to to have fun, we can forget how much work is involved. Like being there when a friend's dog dies, or she goes through a divorce, or loses her home and job ... a friend who spends months being blue is not much fun , but we take care of our friends because we love them, and because we hope they would do the same for us.

Friendship, like all love, is a bit of a gamble.






.

[Marillion]

So life has been pretty ok lately. I work a lot, but it kept me living on my own. One of my jobs is on hiatus for the summer, and I was looking forward to relaxing a little bit. I was way ahead of all my bills, and was planning to begin saving for college once I got back to having 2 paychecks.

So, NATURALLY, I come home from work today to discover that my apartment "retains the right...to extend a non-renewal offer with a 30 day written notice. At this time we do not wish to renew your current lease....We are requesting that you vacate your apartment by July 31, 2012".

I don't know what has prompted this. I've never been late with my rent payments; in fact, technically they owe me money because I have been paying more than I need to. But I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is you guys I cannot afford to move. I had a small amount of money saved up in case I fell behind on bills, but it is not nearly enough to cover first months rent + security deposit + moving & cleaning expenses, nor will I make that in a month and a half. There's no one whose couch I can crash on, because I have dogs. Finding a roommate, same issue.

You guys, my dogs. What am I going to do with them? What am I going to do with me?

Also, :smallfu rious: the company for being jerks about this. Any problem they had could have been solved by just talking to me about it.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Marillion

So life has been pretty ok lately. I work a lot, but it kept me living on my own. One of my jobs is on hiatus for the summer, and I was looking forward to relaxing a little bit. I was way ahead of all my bills, and was planning to begin saving for college once I got back to having 2 paychecks.

So, NATURALLY, I come home from work today to discover that my apartment "retains the right...to extend a non-renewal offer with a 30 day written notice. At this time we do not wish to renew your current lease....We are requesting that you vacate your apartment by July 31, 2012".

I don't know what has prompted this. I've never been late with my rent payments; in fact, technically they owe me money because I have been paying more than I need to. But I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is you guys I cannot afford to move. I had a small amount of money saved up in case I fell behind on bills, but it is not nearly enough to cover first months rent + security deposit + moving & cleaning expenses, nor will I make that in a month and a half. There's no one whose couch I can crash on, because I have dogs. Finding a roommate, same issue.

You guys, my dogs. What am I going to do with them? What am I going to do with me?

Also, :smallfu rious: the company for being jerks about this. Any problem they had could have been solved by just talking to me about it.

try telling them this in a reasonable manner to try and at least get more time to move..and find out why this is happening.

about the money..shouldn't they return you the money owed and the security deposit that you can then use elsewhere?

[Marillion]

Originally Posted by dehro

try telling them this in a reasonable manner to try and at least get more time to move..and find out why this is happening.

The way this will work here is that if (IF) they decide to let me stay, I will be put on a month-to-month lease, paying an artificially inflated rent that they call "fair market value" or something like that. Basically, my rent would go up by $300, and they could still kick me out at any time for any reason. As to the why, I don't think they owe me any explanation, and the manager is one of those "Stepford" type women. Getting a straight answer out of her is like pulling teeth.

about the money..shouldn't they return you the money owed and the security deposit that you can then use elsewhere?

I am not expecting the entirety of my deposit back. It has been my experience that owning pets is like wearing a sign that says "take all my money please" to apartment complexes, regardless of how clean and non-destructive your pets actually are. Either way, though, any final charges or credits will be mailed to me within 45 days of my move-out date, so at the moment it may as well be non-existent.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

*














.

MonkeyBusiness, your white spaces are getting bigger and bigger...

[MonkeyBusiness]

You make an excellent point Rawhide, and I'll watch that. It is not intentional. But I can't figure out why you did not tell me this in a private message, rather than embarassing me in public. In future, please do not do this in the middle of a thread.

.

[Rawhide]

Originally Posted by MonkeyBusiness

You make an excellent point Rawhide, and I'll watch that. It is not intentional. But I can't figure out why you did not tell me this in a private message, rather than embarassing me in public. In future, please be more considerate.

.

Because I was mentioning it in jest.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Oh. Okay, well, it didn't *feel* like a jest. *weak smile* Seriously, when I see a message from a mod, I pay attention to it. To me, this is kind of like getting pulled over by a cop, and finding out it was a prank. I suppose I'm giving away my "lawful good" (or merely oc) tendencies by indicating how much this worried me.

Incidentally, the white spaces happen because I post from my phone, which is (a) my main connection to the internet and (b) a piece of crap. It is very frustrating.

[Rawhide]

I just found it incredibly amusing is all. While it is something you should try to prevent, I wasn't censuring you, but poking fun at it. Mods are people too who participate in the forums and like to have fun. We'll make it clear if we're telling you to do or not to do something.