Arts and CraftsThe place to talk about stick figure avatars, graphic design, fan art, or any application of the visual arts and creative writing--or just to show off your latest masterwork!
Shadows
I run my mouth in circles
That seek to be undefined
While you keep playing games
With the shadows in my mind
The ones that torture
The ones that deceive
The ones that stayed with me
On all my lonely nights
While you went out and played
These shadows are what you need to see
If you hope to be a light
In the darkness of my sanity
I don’t know how to stop you
And I never learned how to say no
Because there’s just something to you
That sneaks around my promises
And makes them vanish before the wind
You don’t know
Because you simply don’t care
You can’t see the shadows
They keep count of how you’ve sinned
And throw the numbers in my face
As you teach me
To love what I truly hate
Just remember this
Oh lover dear
When the shadows start to fear
I see with eyes no longer blind
And I can count the ways you’ve sinned
But not on my fingers
Not on my toes
You don’t know
Because you just don’t care
The shadows tell me
As I sleep a sleep
Filled with angry dreams
But when I step from the shadows wake
Your eyes hold no mysteries
And the lies you tell me
Flash through my mind
Stretching the bounds of the darkness
The darkness that you refused to light
Until I was already blind
So take your lies
I can see with reborn eyes
All your sins done unto me
__________________
Avatar courtesy of Thormag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff the Green
Also remember that you can have a True Neutral character that believes in things like truth and love and altruism and fluffy bunnies so long as he's willing to murder, lie, torture, and decapitate kittens to achieve them.
Last edited by Techwarrior : 07-24-2012 at 06:45 PM.
I met a girl at a bar.
She said “I’m a medium
and you have an entity.”
I said “I’m an extra-large
and have no idea what that means.”
She tried to tell me about some
psychic connection with a ghost,
claiming to be my father,
that was preoccupying a good portion
of his post-life time
acting as my spook
and guardian angel.
When I got home I forgot entirely
about the drunken conversation.
I knew she was yanking my chain;
my dad was still alive
off in Europe somewhere
but it would have been nice,
wouldn’t it have been,
if he was dead
and following me around
and giving a ****?
Oh, and if people are so inclined to run a 17th contest, I would like to put my name down now. :) This seems like a lot of fun!
Can I also be in IP XVII?
__________________
Avatar from anythingcomic.com
Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Tentacle
Often in the Lord of the Rings, if people need a Deus ex Machina: Gandalf. But if Gandalf needs a Deus ex Machina: eagles. And if the eagles need a Deus ex Machina, then you should probably just pledge undying loyalty to Sauron right there and save yourself the trouble.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Razanir
Everyone knows frying pans are actually weapons that people repurpose for cooking
I completely forgot to check in on this thread for a while, and the round had started by the time I remembered it, so I didn't finish my poem until right now. I'm going to use my twelve hour extension.
Prompt: Entity Title: A Song of Eternity
Spoiler
Ripples form across
the silent expanse
of endless infinity.
Stars glow
ever so bright
for a time
before they fade into history.
As galaxies whirl
as they dance and twirl,
as stars are born,
and as they die,
ripples form across
the silent expanse
of endless infinity.
A song is sung, endlessly,
with a voice less than a whisper.
A song of infinity, louder
than can be heard.
A song that no one ever hears
ringing ever so loud
so silent
in their ears.
Ripples form across
the silent expanse
of endless infinity.
With stars as eyes
and claws, and fangs
and a thousand beating hearts
it is.
It sings a song
of endless wonder and beauty
of eternal pain and cruelty.
And ripples form across
the ever ringing expanse
of endless infinity,
as it sings its song
of eternity.
A roaring flame burns through his fingers.
The work shines bright as he lets it flow.
A word, a note, a symphony lingers,
Setting their pace, he’ll watch them go.
He dusts the ashes from past emotion,
this masterpiece will free them all.
He won’t back down with this devotion,
Nor shall he let his new art fall.
Pen scratches paper with graceful strokes,
A melodious Rhapsody takes shape and form.
Looking down on the beauty his mind invokes,
The tired artist retires, and cold comes from warm.
The days go by and not a word,
The days go by and not a note.
The clear-spoken words becoming slurred,
A shadow of what once he wrote.
“I mean to finish,” he once said,
“I just need time to think and rest.
I swear, I swear, this is not dead!
It will, in fact, become the best!”
The road screams in pain as I drive across its face.
The midday sun only makes things worse—the asphalt
Burns with those wavy lines like on the machine in the bathroom
Where you push a button and get warm air instead of bacon.
It’s hot is what I’m getting at.
All around…. Well, you know how it is in the desert.
The sky is open, not even a cloud to break the monotonous
Blue, nor a tree or even a cactus to island the sea of sand.
There’s just me and the sun and the street and I wish that
The one would go away and the other shut up because
I can’t even think my brain’s shielding itself so.
Just a bit distracted, really.
And it’s disgusting how such emptiness, this paucity
Of idea and feeling, this lack of beauty that won’t even grant
Me the displeasure of ugliness, how absolute solitude
And emptiness, how nothingness can be so distracting.
‘Can’t make something from nothing’ they always say.
‘That’s why you’re wrong’ they always smile that same stupid smile
That self-satisfied smirk that suggests they said something smart.
Well who just created something from nothing
And found that the something is loathsome!
I wish I could wash it all away, clear it out and start over:
My car can be my ark, the S.S. Ford Taurus with a pony on the dashboard,
Two of every thing: two blankets, two gloves, two tires, two shirts—
Except there’s only one iPod, because the apple is unclean
And will only bring sin.
And with all that at least if my mind unfocused
It would have a reason I could respect.
But all I have is the sun and the street and the
Bacon lines in the air and I don’t even know
What I was doing or thinking before because
My noodle’s fried, the oasis of imagination
Has dried up and gone back to the desert as all things must.
Note for after judgment
Spoiler
When my brain decides to do free association it takes me to some slightly weird places. Ford Taurus ark is just a bit odd.
__________________
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Giant
Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Giant
No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
Before me it is sitting, shining,
Its glow reflects off the instruments
As they show me what I’d uncovered.
Culmination and vindication
Enabled by the work of the dead
Whose shoulders I am standing upon.
But has my life’s work been worthwhile
Or is this, however bright, empty
Simply reflected from my desires?
__________________
At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman, and these hills, the softness of the sky, the outline of the trees at this very minute lose the illusory meaning with which we clothed them, henceforth more remote than a lost paradise.
-Camus, An Absurd Reasoning
The shiny new airbrush slid onto the workbench
Displacing the half-filled scrapbook
Into the dessicated bonsai
And pushed the unwired breadboard
Over the jumbled patterns
Through the uninked stamps
And into the skein of yarn
That rested against the neck of the no longer shiny guitar
That had long since lost its place on the workbench.
__________________
Ahthankya, thankyaverymuch.
Last edited by Elvaris : 07-26-2012 at 09:59 PM.
Reason: Insecurity.
Got it finished with a couple of hours to spare on the extension. That's a relief.
Prompt: Scintillate
A Moment
Spoiler
I started in college:
Late at night,
I’d find a quiet location,
Book in hand,
And I'd sit down to read,
With the thought in the back of my head
That someday, someone might find me.
I’d see her,
book in hand,
And she’d sit down.
We’d share a look -
Just a momentary glance,
But that would be enough.
And years later,
We’d look back on this meeting
As the moment we knew.
It’s another late night.
I find a location,
Book in hand,
And sit down,
Thought still in the back of my mind.
But today, today someone has found me.
She walks toward me,
Book in hand,
And sits down.
I glance up,
And our eye’s meet
But for a moment.
I glance at her book
To see what she’s reading.
Lord of the Rings.
Yea.
Now I know.
__________________
Thanks goes to Nevitan for my awesome avatar!
Last edited by The Fiery Tower : 07-27-2012 at 09:21 AM.
Okay. I give it. There is nothing I can make out of this goddamn prompt which I'd be remotely happy having associated with my name, and you can laugh at me if you want, but that's it. No chance. No further. I'm through. Apologies for wasting everyone's time, and for wanting this to begin as soon as possible, which I realise makes me look like a sanctimonious jackass who doesn't know what he wants. Have fun, everybody.
It's all good, sometimes you just don't have the inspiration. As a fellow poet, I can completely understand.
__________________
Avatar courtesy of Thormag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff the Green
Also remember that you can have a True Neutral character that believes in things like truth and love and altruism and fluffy bunnies so long as he's willing to murder, lie, torture, and decapitate kittens to achieve them.
Well, it being well past even the 12-hour extension deadline, I believe I can begin judgement. Entity: Silviya vs. Mainlander
Spoiler
Silviya
Spoiler
Beautiful. From the infinite scope of the topic, to the "it is", I loved everything about this poem. I especially enjoyed how you sort of flirted with a rhyme scheme, but didn't let yourself get too caught up in structural details.
Mainlander
Spoiler
I quite enjoyed the joke your poem led off with, and the way you described the young man's estrangement from his father definitely tugs at the heartstrings. Overall, I loved it.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Silviya. While both poems were amazing, I felt that Silviya's poem was more... beautiful.
Fizzle: Haruki vs. Elvaris
Spoiler
Haruki
Spoiler
This struck a particular chord with me (I've done this sort of thing more often than I care to admit), and the structural elements - rhyme, rhythm, etc. were divinely executed. More than anything else, however, you evoked the spark that lies in all creative minds, while bemoaning its continued dormancy. This - this is what poetry should be.
Elvaris
Spoiler
I do like this: each object symbolizes a project abandoned and forgotten; this workbench is a collection of broken dreams. It's fantastic writing to be able to convey so much meaning with so few words. A very good poem.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Haruki. While both poems were (again) fabulous, I felt a strong connection to Haruki's poem. He basically reached inside my brain and plucked the string marked "nostalgia and regret", and it was amazing.
Invigorate: Lord Tygre vs. The Grimmace
Spoiler
Lord Tygre
Spoiler
Short, sweet, and to the point. Moreover, it speaks to the refreshing tranquility of the great outdoors, something I've always acknowledged and adored. Good imagery and good use of the prompt.
The Grimmace
Spoiler
I'm sorry, really, but I just don't get it. I'm sure that there's a great, deep meaning in there somewhere, but it is far beyond my grasp. There are parts I liked, (the surges, the sieges, and the seizures) and parts that sound good when read aloud, (noble cello, pupil of endless self-reference) but nothing that I managed to comprehend.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Lord Tygre. In addition to the lovely imagery and how much I enjoyed the style, I actually understood his poem on some level.
Apocalypse: Garwain vs. Mardel
Spoiler
Garwain
Spoiler
First of all, I hope you don't mind that I'm critiquing your work even though you won by default. That being said, I liked it. While it was a bit simple, and fairly short, the rhyme scheme was clever, and your portrait of a post-apocalyptic survivor was good.
Mardel
Spoiler
N/A
Verdict:
Spoiler
Garwain, by default, though he had a good chance of winning even if Mardel had shown up.
Scintillate: Weezer vs. The Fiery Tower
Spoiler
Weezer
Spoiler
Let me know if I'm way off base, but I'm sort of seeing this as the invention of the lightbulb. Assuming I'm right, that was a stroke of genius. that glowing orb of brilliance is the incarnation of scintillation, and its glow shedding light on the inventor's possibly ignoble motivations works beautifully.
The Fiery Tower
Spoiler
You tell a beautiful story, portraying the fulfillment of what every bookish young man wishes for - a companion to be bookish with. However, the connection to scintillation is vague at best. So, while I love the story you tell here, I don't really get where you're coming from in regards to the prompt.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Weezer. Using Edison was brilliant, (again, if I'm remotely close with that) and Tower's connection to the prompt was just too unclear for my tastes.
Mistrust: leakingpen vs. Szilard
Spoiler
leakingpen
Spoiler
Ooh, syntactical inversions! And meta-ness! I like it.The pain of growing older, the fear of losing one's edge - these are primal anxieties that you have masterfully tapped into and displayed. Don't worry, this is definitely in the "not crap" 10%.
Szilard
Spoiler
...this is good stuff. I do love history (it's my minor, in fact) and I'm grateful to you for showing me this interesting little corner of it. I also enjoyed the three-line stanzas - an intriguing variation on the norm. Overall, it's great.
Verdict:
Spoiler
leakingpen. While I enjoyed both quite a bit, his was a poem I could more easily connect to, and I feel like he touched an emotion that's a primal part of each of us.
Arid: Worlok vs. Saint Ridley
Spoiler
Worlok
Spoiler
Don't feel bad; writer's block happens to everyone sometimes.
Saint Ridley
Spoiler
As I said to Garwain, I hope you don't mind my critiquing even though you win by default. Actually, there's nothing there that I don't like. The symbolism of the ark and the apple and the oasis were masterfully executed, and the idea of nothingness being often worse than ugliness is an interesting idea to explore.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Saint Ridley, by default.
Indignant: TechWarrior vs. Cuthalion
Spoiler
TechWarrior
Spoiler
Bitterness and regret are always powerful emotions, and your use of them here is well-executed. How this person feels, (and the gender ambiguity, allowing the reader to fill in whatever they feel is most appropriate was a masterstroke, by the way) realizing that the one they love is bad news, is beautifully portrayed here. Great work!
Cuthalion
Spoiler
It's fun, and the rhyme scheme is nice, but it just doesn't seem like there's much there. It's fairly simple, and while it is entertaining (and relevant to the interests of everyone here) it doesn't really create an emotional response. I"m sorry if I'm being too negative, but that's my honest opinion.
Verdict:
Spoiler
TechWarrior. Your poem was fantastic, and very emotionally charged.
That concludes my judging for today. If there are any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to let me know!
__________________ If the above makes no sense, I probably did that on purpose. Probably.
This should make my sig less obtrusive...
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Witch-King
THIS aberrant, ancient evil ain't no playa! I'm gonna take care of my little Meduthids and my Spawnling Mama! Besides which--the Old Ones know the Elder Brain keeps pestering me about giving it some Grandspawnlings...
Well, this is rather intriguing. It does a wonderful job of describing an entity that seems to be beyond all description. I really got a sense of its cosmic majesty and the unknowable, contradictory beauty of its song. You also described the eternity of space in a nicely poetic manner. Very well done.
Mainlander:
Spoiler
Quite nice. It was humorous, yet somehow poignant. The speaker's encounter with a fraudulent medium was a creative way of exposing his deeper issues with his distant father. I also liked his retort to the medium about being an "extra-large", very witty.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Silviya.
Haruki/Elvaris- Prompt: Fizzle
Haruki:
Spoiler
Excellent. I can relate to the artist's experience, when a great creative force takes hold, then gradually fizzles out. I also find it interesting how the artist continues to believe his composition will be a masterwork long after the original spark of inspiration has faded. Extra credit for introducing structure into a contest filled predominantly with free verse, even if it is just a simple ABAB rhyme scheme.
Elvaris:
Spoiler
This poem may only describe a single scene, but every single long-forgotten item on that workbench conjures an image of another pastime lost, another interest long forgotten. The scene seems to be a sort of biography, a story of a person's failed attempts and lost hobbies throughout their life. A short, yet wonderful, poem.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Both were great, but I would say Haruki by an inch.
Lord Tyger/The Grimmace- Prompt: Invigorate
Lord Tyger:
Spoiler
Ah, very interesting form you have there. Iambic quadrameter, ABAB and ABBAA rhyme schemes. I commend you for it. The poem's description of an invigorating, peaceful mountain vacation is OK, but it seems you were a bit restricted by your form. Also, I don't believe "draik" is a word. Overall solid, though.
The Grimmace:
Spoiler
...Wow. This is quite an odd poem. It does not follow a coherent narrative, but rather leaps energetically through a cavalcade of chaotic images and feelings. Though it can feel a bit disjointed and bizarre at times (Cows exploding? Mailmen held hostage by eels?) it does have an irresistible electricity running through it that befits its title.
Verdict:
Spoiler
The Grimmace.
Garwain/Mardel- Prompt: Apocalypse
Garwain:
Spoiler
An OK poem. Rhyme scheme is a bit odd, but it works. Its depiction of the postapocalyptic survivor is what I imagine it would be (can't believe they survived, determined to make a new life out of the wreckage, etc) but some of the lines feel a bit off to me. "so hard it falls to believe" being an example. You're advancing to the next round without competition, so it's hard to tell how it would do against another poem, but there's definitely room for improvement.
Mardel:
Spoiler
Sorry, but you kind of need a poem to compete. Disqualified.
An interesting portrayal of the speaker, who I assume to be some sort of treasure hunter. He's found what he has been searching for, but seems to feel guilt for those who died in the name of his quest and doubts whether it was worthwhile in the first place. I can't help but see this as a metaphor for those who have obtained everything they ever wanted, yet remain unsatisfied. Short, but excellent.
The Fiery Tower:
Spoiler
What a touching poem. I usually don't go for poetry that enters the realm of the romantic, but this is quite well-written. The parallel structure of the speaker's fantasy and its fulfillment was superb. And I like that the girl was reading Lord of the Rings, a nice touch. Wonderfully heartwarming.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Gah, I want both of you to advance so badly. But I can't do that, so... Weezer by a millimeter.
Leakingpen/Szilard- Prompt: Mistrust
Leakingpen:
Spoiler
Odd title, but well done. Doubting yourself is a theme that those on this thread will find especially relatable. The sense I get is that the only thing holding the speaker back is their lack of self-confidence. I also like the touches of Yoda-speak in there ("when young I was"). The prompt was used in a wondefully creative way as well. Mistrust between people may be more visible, but mistrust within oneself is arguably more universal.
Szilard:
Spoiler
Hmm... I realize that there's supposed to be some sort of narrative in here, no doubt a wonderful, historical tale that incorporates warfare, mistrust between nations, and some pirate named Jenkins getting his ear cut off. But I'm just having a hard time following it. Putting the entries in chronological order would have helped. Also, the "food" thing in the first two stanzas seems utterly pointless and unnecessary. The rest of the poem is good, though, with a solid ABA rhyme scheme that doesn't seem to get in the way too much and a good title. It just needs to be clearer.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Leakingpen.
Worlok/SaintRidley- Prompt: Arid
Worlok:
Spoiler
You don't look like a sanctimonious jackass, you just look like a person with writer's block. Disqualified.
SaintRidley:
Spoiler
A pity this amazing poem didn't have competition. It has a conversational tone that almost makes it seem more like a monologue than a poem, the eccentric ramblings of a speaker driven a bit out of their mind by the heat. It perfectly describes the desert's somehow distracting, worse-than-ugly emptiness, and the bizarre fantasies that can pass through a heat-addled brain. Also, when it comes to free association, I have seen much, much stranger than your Ford Taurus Ark
Very interesting. The speaker appears to have a love-hate relationship with the imaginary "shadows", manifestations of his/her insanity. They torture the speaker, but also seem to be informants, telling him/her about his/her lover's unspecified "sins". But are they telling the truth, or are his/her lover's sins merely lies the shadows tell in order to keep them apart? He seems to believe the former, but the truth is left ambiguous, as are many things in this poem. I could spend a lot longer analyzing this, but, suffice to say, I liked it quite a bit.
Cuthalion:
Spoiler
If I could think of the poem that is as opposite from Techwarrior's poem as possible, it would be something like this. This is possibly the most light-hearted poem here, and the limerick-ish form is evidence of that. Essentially, there is a dwarf and a bard who insult each other, and a fighter who is irritated by them both. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Although it is quite funny in places, and your rhyming is rather well-executed, it just doesn't have enough depth for me.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Techwarrior.
__________________
I am a:
Spoiler
Two-handed martial reach weapon. I do d10 weapon dice, weigh 12 pounds, and belong to the Axe group.
Many, many thanks to kpenguin for the amazing avatar.
Note to judges after judgement(Dimonite in particular)
Spoiler
It's ironic that in the last 2 judgements in a row, I get criticized for opposite things. Last time I entered, I was told that my use of prompt was the "Most basic, obvious" use of it. So this time I went deep with the prompt. The word scintillate has definitions of to emit sparks, to sparkle, to flash(I'll have to admit I looked this one up, so if I'm missing subtle nuances to the words, well, I can only go by written definitions.) What does it have to do with my prompt? Well, nothing physically, completely intentionally. There is no shining object in my poem, sparks or fires that make the poem an obvious connection to the word. However, I attempted to imitate the idea of the word, to draw as many parallels as possible(Making a moment that felt like sparks or sparkling, and having characteristics of that word)
Use of prompt was also the thing I focused on the most in the process of making this poem in an attempt to make it subtle(I didn't start for 6 days because I was trying to think of an idea that was subtle but also had a close enough connection to the prompt that it could be easily explained), so to have it dismissed out of hand for not really having a connection to the prompt was saddening, to say the least. Understandable, but saddening. Because of the focus I put on this, I'm curious as to what parts of that I could have improved to make the connections more obvious. And so I leave that question to you: what was vague about the connection to the prompt? If needed, I can list the ways I tried to connect it to the prompt to for specifics as to how I had tried to connect the prompt to the word. This is ultimately something I want to learn from, so don't feel like this is trying to be critical. Thanks for any response you give in advance.
__________________
Thanks goes to Nevitan for my awesome avatar!
Firstly I'd like to thank the both of you for taking the time to judge my poem.
@Dimonite
Spoiler
Nope, not way off base, though I was being a bit more general and metaphorical. I was thinking mostly of any scientific discovery with the 'glow' being the light of knowledge (or simply the scientists hubris/ignoble motivations, which I'm glad that I seemed to convey well). But it's very similar to your take and multiple interpretations are the key to art. Thanks for your input.
@Halberd
Spoiler
Huh, it's always interesting how people interpret poems so differently. I was aiming to depict a scientist who had made some sort of new discovery. There's definitely that metaphor you mention of someone finding all they wanted (or what they think they want, or deceiving themselves into thinking they've found it, not sure which it is myself) but still being dissatisfied. Yeah I agree it's a bit short, I wanted to add another stanza or so to 'wrap it up' and give some resolution as to if he really found what he wanted or not, but it ended up being better left hanging (or so I think). Not to say your interpretation is 'wrong' because it doesn't match my intentions, on the contrary multiple valid interpretations are incredibly important. I'm glad the poem worked for you, and thanks again for your time.
__________________
At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman, and these hills, the softness of the sky, the outline of the trees at this very minute lose the illusory meaning with which we clothed them, henceforth more remote than a lost paradise.
-Camus, An Absurd Reasoning
I'm sorry if my judgement came off as idly dismissing your poem due to its lack of connection to the prompt. That was no part of my intention; the judgement between you and Weezer was one of the most difficult of the competition so far. As I said, I did love the story you told, but I liked Weezer's just as well. My focus on the tenuousness of the connection was meant to be more along the lines of outlining the deciding factors than dismissing anything. While I did sort of grasp that there was a connection (and since reading your description and rereading the poem a few times I understand it more thoroughly) it wasn't very conspicuous. As to how it could have improved the obviousness of the connection: I feel as though this is one of those situations where a single word in the right place would have made all the difference - a mention of some kind of light, a gleam in her eye, something like that. Am I making sense?
__________________ If the above makes no sense, I probably did that on purpose. Probably.
This should make my sig less obtrusive...
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Witch-King
THIS aberrant, ancient evil ain't no playa! I'm gonna take care of my little Meduthids and my Spawnling Mama! Besides which--the Old Ones know the Elder Brain keeps pestering me about giving it some Grandspawnlings...
Um...wow, you guys are fast on the judgments. Mine won't be in til um...Monday at the earliest, Thursday at the latest.
I know, right? I'm often the first judge out of the gate, and Im not that fast!
Worlok, it happens man. Better to declare defeat than hand in crap. Next time! :Hug:
Diomonite,
Spoiler
syntactical inversions! And meta-ness! wow, I feel like im in an episode of star trek. technobabble! Lol. thank you, Im glad you enjoyed it. I felt like playing with words. Im worse than a toddler with a plate of pasta and mashed potatoes in that regard.
Halberd,
Spoiler
glad I struck a chord. The wonderfully horrible thing about self doubt is even when we all share it, the doubt makes you positive that you're alone in those feelings.
Sad to see writer's block strike. I was looking forward to your entry, Worlok.
Notes to judges.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimonite
Arid: Worlok vs. Saint Ridley
Saint Ridley
Spoiler
As I said to Garwain, I hope you don't mind my critiquing even though you win by default. Actually, there's nothing there that I don't like. The symbolism of the ark and the apple and the oasis were masterfully executed, and the idea of nothingness being often worse than ugliness is an interesting idea to explore.
Verdict:
Spoiler
Saint Ridley, by default.
Spoiler
I rather appreciate critique, so I'm glad you didn't just leave it to Default win. I think the best part of writing this was that I tried to capture all possible angles of the word - I wanted something that suggested dryness, emptiness, and a lack of imagination. So I took a desert, emptied it, and aimed for keeping the narrator unable to focus long enough to imagine. I hope on those fronts I managed to succeed in what I set out to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halberd
Worlok/SaintRidley- Prompt: Arid
SaintRidley:
Spoiler
A pity this amazing poem didn't have competition. It has a conversational tone that almost makes it seem more like a monologue than a poem, the eccentric ramblings of a speaker driven a bit out of their mind by the heat. It perfectly describes the desert's somehow distracting, worse-than-ugly emptiness, and the bizarre fantasies that can pass through a heat-addled brain. Also, when it comes to free association, I have seen much, much stranger than your Ford Taurus Ark
Verdict:
Spoiler
SaintRidley by default.
Spoiler
Thanks for the kind words. I've written stranger, but I don't venture into surrealism much, and almost never when writing in English. Comes more naturally to me in Spanish, perhaps because I am not constrained by any sort of inculcated idiom as I have been in my native language.
I think one of the amusing behind the scenes parts of this poem is the way the Ford Taurus Ark happened.
I was actually getting ready to scrap everything but the first stanza. I wasn't sure where I wanted the poem to go, but I knew where it started. Anyway, at some point it connected to me that my poem was in the desert and that if I started over it would be like using a flood to wipe everything clean and restart from scratch. And from there I simply needed to incorporate it and further elements into a proper allusion, which helped bring the poem to a close without scrapping anything that I had already written.
__________________
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Giant
Fantasy literature is ONLY worthwhile for what it can tell us about the real world; everything else is petty escapism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Giant
No author should have to take the time to say, "This little girl ISN'T evil, folks!" in order for the reader to understand that. It should be assumed that no first graders are irredeemably Evil unless the text tells you they are.
I like the language used here. It’s very lyrical and poetic. I can see this as a song actually and music runs through my head as I read it. I didn’t really feel that the connection to the prompt was as clear as it could have been. Very pretty though and I enjoyed it.
Mainlander
Spoiler
This didn’t strike me as very poetic. It’s an interesting premise and I can see how this could be a really interesting poem. The story could be really fun. This poem, however, doesn’t really work. I really liked the first two stanzas and wish you would have shown the rest of the conversation. It could have made a really neat poem, but then you gloss over the rest of the conversation and give us his thoughts in a way that doesn’t inspire connection or interest really. Some emotion would have been nice as well. So, yeah, not really very impressed, but I see nuggets of something good and interesting here. It needs a lot of reworking though.
Verdict
Spoiler
Silviya
fizzle – Haruki vs. Elvaris
Spoiler
Haruki
Spoiler
I really liked this. It had a fun rhythm and a good connection to the prompt. It was interesting and I felt a connection to the speaker and the ideas behind it. Your language was good and there were some lines that I really enjoyed. There were a few bits that I felt could have been a bit more polished, where it felt like you used certain words for their rhyme, but they didn’t quite fit the sentiment you wanted to convey. Overall very nice.
Elvaris
Spoiler
This is really good. I love how much you can say in so few words. And it’s so universal and easy to connect to. I loved how much you told us about this person without them even being present in the story. Really really good.
Verdict
Spoiler
Elvaris
invigorate – Lord Tyger vs. The Grimmace
Spoiler
Lord Tyger
Spoiler
I don’t like this. It has a good rhythm and it rhymes, which I do appreciate as it’s something I struggle with. It seems overly simplistic though. There’s nothing new, interesting, surprising here. It’s really straightforward, no emotion, a vague narrator with no real presence or connection. I mean, it’s an adequate poem, but I find it disappointing given the energy that the prompt ought have inspired.
The Grimmace
Spoiler
Hmm. I read this something like 6 times. I don’t get it. I’m sorry. No, not really ‘don’t get it’, because The section that starts with “Jolts” was wonderful, fully encompassed the prompt and really illustrated the speakers sensations beautifully. I would actually have really loved this poem if it was just that section. But the stuff before it, while interesting and lyrical just didn’t make sense to me. There were some beautiful lines and some lovely language, but put all together, it just didn’t form a coherent picture and I didn’t get the connection between it and the actual sensations being addressed at the end of the poem. Maybe it’s just me.
Verdict
Spoiler
The Grimmace
apocalypse – Garwain vs. Mardel
Spoiler
Garwain
Spoiler
I like this. It’s a pretty common theme and a very straightforward connection to the prompt, nothing really surprising going on. However, you convey a great deal of story, thought and emotion in a very small number of lines, which I find impressive. So while you lack creativity, your execution is spot on.
Mardel
Spoiler
No poem
Verdict
Spoiler
Garwain
scintillate – Weezer vs. The Fiery Tower
Spoiler
Weezer
Spoiler
I like your language, some of these lines are really interesting. Good connection to the prompt on several different levels, which I like. You say a lot in very little space, which is always a feat. You did a good job of presenting emotion and a person without putting too much of him into the piece. You leave a lot to the imagination and leave me wanting to know more, which I like. The rhythm was decent, but I wish it would have been one more stanza, it felt unfinished, rhythmically. Content-wise, the end was nice, however.
The Fiery Tower
Spoiler
This could be a premise that could be interesting and well done. It’s not a really new idea, but even old clichés can make good poetry if done well. I don’t feel that this was done well. The language isn’t very interesting and it doesn’t seem particularly poetic. It was hard to establish a rhythm. Overall, I found it kind of meh.
Verdict
Spoiler
Weezer
mistrust – leakingpen vs. Szilard
Spoiler
leakingpen
Spoiler
I like the premise of this and your connection to the prompt is good. It was easy to connect to. There were some very awkward turns of phrase, however, though most was good. The rhythm was easy to establish and overall I liked it relatively well. I especially liked the stanza that started ‘contests online’.
Szilard
Spoiler
It bothered me that the years did not go chronologically. It bothered me that the sections weren’t the same number of stanzas. The rhythm was hard to grasp. The story was interesting but didn’t draw me in and I didn’t feel any connection to the characters or action. There were some nice turns of phrase, but much of it did not feel ‘poetic’. It kind of reminded me of a book report, sadly. But I could see it being an amusing song.
Verdict
Spoiler
leakingpen
arid – Worlok vs. Saint Ridley
Spoiler
Worlok
Spoiler
No poem
Saint Ridley
Spoiler
I really really enjoyed this. You made such a character and brought us so fully into his thoughts and even though it became a bit too ‘prose-like’ at times, it still felt poetic overall. You had some excellent lines and I loved loved loved the car =ark section and laughed out loud at the ipod lines. Well done. I’m sure you would have advanced even if you were opposed because this is really good stuff.
Verdict
Spoiler
Saint Ridley
indignant – TechWarrior vs. Cuthalion
Spoiler
TechWarrior
Spoiler
The rhythm seemed very erratic in this piece. It was easily found in the first and fourth stanzas, but the rest were kind of muddled. I was expecting something really good from the first stanza, because I really liked that one, but the next two just didn’t flow and were awkward to read and speak. Some nice use of language, but overall nothing really exciting or interesting here. Middle of the road, but I see potential and would like you to push yourself a little further if you make it to the next round.
Cuthalion
Spoiler
I didn’t like this. Your words seemed chosen for their rhyme, rather than being the appropriate word for the piece. I see the attempted humor, but it didn’t really work. And I really hated the last two lines and because they were the end of the piece soured my impression to any good that may have been buried above. I wish you’d taken longer to work on this. It feels rushed and unfinished and, well, very amateurish, though I don’t know that’s really the right word for what I’m trying to convey. Sorry. I’m not meaning for this to sound overly mean.
Verdict
Spoiler
TechWarrior
__________________ I was outzombied by the baby!
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amotis
Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.
I'm not sure if that was all the judges, but I might as well move on to my responses. Once again, thanks for all your hard work judges. Especially for this first round of judging. I think we all know how that usually turns out.
Dimonite:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimonite
...this is good stuff. I do love history (it's my minor, in fact) and I'm grateful to you for showing me this interesting little corner of it. I also enjoyed the three-line stanzas - an intriguing variation on the norm. Overall, it's great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! You don't seem to have any real complaints, so I think I'll just leave it at that. Once again, thanks for being a judge, even if you voted for the other guy.
Halberd:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Halberd
Hmm... I realize that there's supposed to be some sort of narrative in here, no doubt a wonderful, historical tale that incorporates warfare, mistrust between nations, and some pirate named Jenkins getting his ear cut off. But I'm just having a hard time following it. Putting the entries in chronological order would have helped. Also, the "food" thing in the first two stanzas seems utterly pointless and unnecessary. The rest of the poem is good, though, with a solid ABA rhyme scheme that doesn't seem to get in the way too much and a good title. It just needs to be clearer.
I think I'll respond to your points backwards.
First off, the title I cannot take much credit for. More can be read about the war here. I mostly used my memory of the war from when I learned about it a few years ago in AP Euro, and then glanced to the article for the details I needed. As for the rhyme scheme, I simply figured it'd be nice to include to make this a bit more... fun?
Food... Well, mostly I put that in to explain why that first war took ten years. Looking back, it seems I should have either left it out, or used it as an extended metaphor, so you seem to have a good point there.
Now for the big one: Chronological order. The theme of this was supposed to be mistrust, and I wanted to have a poem where I showed an event and then showed why the events turned out that way--the why being something that was petty, or in this case a mistrust, that led to a giant understanding. This is the first war that came to mind, as I didn't want to go into more recent politics for fear of getting the post scrubbed by the mods. Now that I had my "why" and my "outcome," I wanted to have the "why" come afterwards, in order to show the status quo before I explained the seemingly unrelated events that led to this, showing how a misunderstanding could lead to a war. As I was getting into the poem I realized some background could also help the reader, so now I had the background, the why, and the event to explain. As I said earlier, I didn't want to do it in order, as that wouldn't show the theme quite as well as I wanted (or so I thought), and I didn't want to do it completely backwards, as then the background would just seem tacked on after the theme. Originally I wanted to do the poem similar to the movie Memento, with alternating verses going backwards and forwards in time (perhaps differentiating themselves via italics), but I figured that to be overly complicated. That is how I compromised on my final order of the background, the outcome, and the why that led to it. I figured it'd be an interesting way to deliver the theme, and I made sure to include the years so people wouldn't get lost, but evidently it left judges confused.
Now your first point. Yes, it was supposed to be a historical narrative of war, mistrust, and an unfortunate captain named Jenkins, but evidently I am not as good at storyweaving as I thought I was.
Once again, thanks for the judging and critique.
Alarra:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alarra
It bothered me that the years did not go chronologically. It bothered me that the sections weren’t the same number of stanzas. The rhythm was hard to grasp. The story was interesting but didn’t draw me in and I didn’t feel any connection to the characters or action. There were some nice turns of phrase, but much of it did not feel ‘poetic’. It kind of reminded me of a book report, sadly. But I could see it being an amusing song.
I realize now that the number of stanzas per sections could easily be fixed, and would sort of make sense too. When doing the rhythm, I was just trying to do what sounded right, and I suppose that led to almost no consistency in that aspect.
As for not drawing you in and/or being book reportish, that might have stemmed from the fact that I wasn't sure whether to make this serious or humorous, and ended up being an dull mishmash. Poems require more forethought than I thought. As for it perhaps being an amusing song, that was sort of what I was going for, though I suppose that would be better by chronological order, or better transitions between sections. I guess that transition could also have been the extra stanza in section 2 to make the stanza number consistent.
Anyway, for the chronological order thing, I'll just copy what I wrote to the other judge:
Quote:
Now for the big one: Chronological order. The theme of this was supposed to be mistrust, and I wanted to have a poem where I showed an event and then showed why the events turned out that way--the why being something that was petty, or in this case a mistrust, that led to a giant understanding. This is the first war that came to mind, as I didn't want to go into more recent politics for fear of getting the post scrubbed by the mods. Now that I had my "why" and my "outcome," I wanted to have the "why" come afterwards, in order to show the status quo before I explained the seemingly unrelated events that led to this, showing how a misunderstanding could lead to a war. As I was getting into the poem I realized some background could also help the reader, so now I had the background, the why, and the event to explain. As I said earlier, I didn't want to do it in order, as that wouldn't show the theme quite as well as I wanted (or so I thought), and I didn't want to do it completely backwards, as then the background would just seem tacked on after the theme. Originally I wanted to do the poem similar to the movie Memento, with alternating verses going backwards and forwards in time (perhaps differentiating themselves via italics), but I figured that to be overly complicated. That is how I compromised on my final order of the background, the outcome, and the why that led to it. I figured it'd be an interesting way to deliver the theme, and I made sure to include the years so people wouldn't get lost, but evidently it left judges confused.
Once again, thanks for judging and critiquing. I'l like to think my poems have been improving over the months (years?).
Thanks again!
__________________
Want an avatar? Shoot me a PM.
Current DYF Avatar by the fantastic Alarra
Awards/Trophies/Quotes
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by Supagoof
Bravo Szilard. Bravo!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oblivion
And Szilard, great job! You make me proud!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sneak
Szilard is wise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lix Lorn
In Soviet Russia, internet give you.
(is given to Szilard. With bow. Clothes optional.)
That would be me, I bet... Sorry for cutting it so close -- real life won this round. Oh, well...
Anyway, my thoughts on the poems:
entity -
Spoiler
Silviya : powerful words, great use of imagery, excellent pacing Mainlander : very interesting story, first two stanzas came across very humorous (which I like), good pacing Comment – while Mainlander told a good story, I thought that Silviya had a stronger poem overall thanks to the imagery Winner – Silviya
fizzle -
Spoiler
Haruki : very good imagery, solid storytelling, wonderful use of rhyme, solid flow and pacing, interesting use of rhythm Elvaris : fantastic storytelling, great imagery, solid pacing, humorous (love that – it can be very difficult to do) Comment – I could pick a winner, but just barely – both were very good, though it was amusing to me that both told a similar story; as much as I love Elvaris’s humorous portrayal, I felt that the mechanics of Haruki’s conveyed the story better Winner – Haruki
invigorate -
Spoiler
Lord Tyger : excellent rhythm and rhyme, solid imagery, though I think a typo (do you mean draik=drank? if so the line makes sense) The Grimmace : very odd, again typo errors (jotls=jolts?) but phenomenal imagery, the racing pace was used well for that sense of sliding thought – very fitting to the story being conveyed Comment – it was actually kind of close, but the full impact of The Grimmace’s poem moved through the states of going from lost to invigorated in what felt like a cleaner and deeper transition Winner – The Grimmace
apocalypse -
Spoiler
Garwain : there is something about the 4th line of the 1st stanza that I find off (word choice?), 2nd stanza is very solid, good rhythm Mardel : NP Comment – by default; the poem was a very interesting story, oddly positive (if still melancholy) by the end, which is really cool to be able to do with such a dark start Winner – Garwain
scintillate -
Spoiler
Weezer : creative use of topic, well done storytelling, solid pacing The Fiery Tower : humorous, very enjoyable storytelling, good pacing with strong flow Comment – this was very difficult choice for me, since Weezer’s poem was one that I could personally identify with (I am a scientific researcher) but I think that The Fiery Tower’s poem just edged that out with a combination of humor and mechanics, (that is, pacing and word flow) Winner – The Fiery Tower
mistrust -
Spoiler
leakingpen : interesting story, wonderful imagery, good use of rhythm to convey change Szilard : fantastic use of rhythm for that sense of escalation, solid storytelling – very visual, interesting twist of prompt topic Comment – though it was close as both were excellent poems, perhaps my favorites of the batch which made it kind of hard to vote against leakingpen’s poem; both had excellent emotional evocation, but I loved the storytelling elements of Szilard’s which really made the poem for me Winner – Szilard
arid -
Spoiler
Worlok : OUT Saint Ridley : superb use of imagery, good use of pacing, strong storytelling, loved the sense of humor Comment – by default, but I have to say that I loved the poem overall, the story and the image were so solid and the dry humor was wonderful, and I would have placed this poem a tight 3rd in all the entries together Winner – Saint Ridley
indignant -
Spoiler
TechWarrior : very interesting use of topic, story was very clear, wonderful use of imagery, good flow, the rhyming scheme was odd but pace was solid Cuthalion : interesting story, humorous (kudos!), pacing scheme works well though I think it was nonspecific, I felt like there was a specific rhyming scheme that I didn’t recognize (maybe) Comment – this was close, both were good and solid in terms of imagery, mechanics were strong for pacing but I thought Cuthalion’s was a bit cleaner, both used some rhyming but not a strong point and I was not able to determine the clear scheme, overall I felt the humorous story gelled better Winner – Cuthalion
Thanks for all your wonderful poetry! I am looking forward to the next round -- you guys rock!
__________________
78% of all DM's start their first campaign in a tavern. If you're among the 22% who didn't, copy and paste this into your signature and tell us where you DID begin.The players were attacked individually on the road on the way to town by werewolves. To survive, they had to team up then and there without knowing anything about eachother (literally -- all character sheets were completed without other players' knowledge).
Last edited by Kalrany : 08-03-2012 at 06:55 PM.
Reason: punct.
I admit to have played on safe for my first entry ever. More risks next time.
I got a lot of feedback on the 'falls hard to believe' line. I tried to express the 'losing faith' aspect by linking 'belief' and 'falling' as in how a paladin 'falls'. In retrospect, I should have phrased it differently. Oh well, win by default is still a win.
__________________
My personal folder is a graveyard of ideas, stuck in their dream phase.
The "DM won't kill us" attitude is a bubble that sometimes needs to be bursted.
There's an armor variant rule in UA that will drastically increase character survivability without completely bubble-wrapping them in plot invulnerability
RSS Feeds: 
Re: Iron Poet XVI
[/IMG]
Fiction Editor for 
You don't seem to have any real complaints, so I think I'll just leave it at that. Once again, thanks for being a judge, even if you voted for the other guy. 
