Arts and CraftsThe place to talk about stick figure avatars, graphic design, fan art, or any application of the visual arts and creative writing--or just to show off your latest masterwork!
... or maybe Monday. Monday is sort of like Sunday, right? Anyway, judgements!
Garwain
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First Poem:
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Well, that took an... interesting turn.
*rereads*
OK, yeah, that's actually really clever. I didn't see that last line coming at all, and the way you surprised me with that was nice. Well done.
Second Poem:
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It's a fish! Also, I like how the rhyme scheme sort of... converges on the middle line. It's an interesting take, but "agressor" and "tore" is kind of a weak rhyme. But other than that: well done again.
TechWarrior
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First Poem:
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... I loved this. I mean, not only do I love the French Revolution, (which is what I'm seeing with this poem) but the aesthetic of rhythm and word choice here... it's beautiful.
Second Poem:
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Again, just beautiful. I want to offer constructive criticism, but you've left nothing here for me to criticize. Great job, sir.
FINAL VERDICT:
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TechWarrior
__________________ If the above makes no sense, I probably did that on purpose. Probably.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Witch-King
THIS aberrant, ancient evil ain't no playa! I'm gonna take care of my little Meduthids and my Spawnling Mama! Besides which--the Old Ones know the Elder Brain keeps pestering me about giving it some Grandspawnlings...
Very clever and double entendre-ish. Some of your metaphors might be stretching it a little, though, which makes the twist at the end have somewhat less impact. Despite this, it's quite a nice poem that mixes an epic struggle with a tongue-in-cheek sensibility.
Poem 2:
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I've never really liked poetry that forms a shape; it always feels to me like a distracting gimmick. Still, this poem's content is superb. It gives an excellent sense of guilt over the unspeakable horrors inflicted in one's name. I especially liked the internal rhymes in the fourth line. Well done.
Techwarrior
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Poem 1:
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Extroardinary. Does a perfect job of capturing the anger and resentment of a repressed lower class against a tyrannical regime. Some of it almost seemed more like prose put into stanzas than poetry, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Word choice and imagery are both amazingly done. Possibly the best poem you've submitted.
Poem 2:
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Another wonderful poem. I could feel the sailor's sense of longing for their loved one, and their burning desire to see through the fog and find them. Could have used a bit more detail, but excellent nonetheless.
Verdict:
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This was agonizingly close. I felt that Techwarrior's first poem was better than Garwain's and that Garwain's second poem was better than Techwarrior's. Still, when looking through the poems, I gradually began to feel that Techwarrior's work had that certain indefinable quality that made me declare him the winner.
__________________
I am a:
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Two-handed martial reach weapon. I do d10 weapon dice, weigh 12 pounds, and belong to the Axe group.
Many, many thanks to kpenguin for the amazing avatar.
I didn’t really like this. From the second verse, the rhyme and meter didn’t meet where my mouth thought it should and it was painful to try to hammer it into a rhythm. I think I had to read it four times before it flowed close to smoothly. Interesting idea, but it didn’t really materialize. It felt rushed and lacking in content.
Poem 2:
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This, however, I enjoyed very much. I loved the image that you created with the formatting, felt your language and word choices were spot on. I had no trouble finding the rhythm. The varied line lengths, while clearly in service to the image, did not hinder the flow or rhythm of the piece. I particularly loved the line ‘Would you…’ and the line following it. Nice work.
Techwarrior:
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Poem 1:
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I liked this. I thought that the idea was good, the language use nice. What I didn’t like was that the subject matter felt so strong and powerful, but your poem really didn’t come across that way. Your stanzas were too long, keeping them from really having the impact needed. I would have liked it if they were all narrowed to 4 lines. I did love the lines ‘Emotional violence; Has its own kind of silence’. It may have come from the rhyme, but it had the kind of punch that I was looking for through most of the piece. Your imagery was beautiful though.
Poem 2:
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I’m not getting the barons prompt in this poem coming through at all. The subject matter seems rather vague and clichéd and I feel like I’ve read this poem before. The rhythm was fine, Some of the language was nice, but overall it felt rather, meh.
Verdict:
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First, I commend you both for writing two poems to the same prompt. I would have such difficulty with that. Once I come up with one idea for a prompt, I’m kind of fixated on it and having to come up with something completely different seems very hard. This is a difficult decision. I had a clear favorite poem, but that poet’s other poem was my least favorite. Do I give the contest to him based on the poem I liked? Or to the other poet based on the fact that I at least somewhat liked both of their pieces? Overall, I liked Techwarrior’s first poem much better than Garwain’s and Garwain’s second poem much better than Techwarrior’s. After much indecision and flip-flopping, I’m going to go with Garwain because I really really loved your second poem. It was the only poem submitted that contained nothing I disliked.
__________________ I was outzombied by the baby!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amotis
Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.
Apologies for confusion in the verdict section of my judgement. My choice still stands, but it was Garwain's second poem that I was talking about, not first.
__________________ I was outzombied by the baby!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amotis
Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.
Also remember that you can have a True Neutral character that believes in things like truth and love and altruism and fluffy bunnies so long as he's willing to murder, lie, torture, and decapitate kittens to achieve them.
This poem amused me greatly. I'm a fan of last second humor (there's probably a name for that but it's escaping me). I'm not sure what the purpose of the third stanza is, though. It seems just kind of jammed in there because you felt you needed another one. Also, I don't know if this was conscious or not, but it feels like you couldn't decide if you wanted a rhyme scheme or not. I noticed that you posted these pretty early and never edited them. I'm left to speculate on whether or not some of that time could have been used to put some polish on this entry.
Baron Otto...
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I really liked the idea of the construction of this piece, for the most part, but bits of the execution niggled at me while I was reading. I think maybe it went a little too far with the fourth line, or perhaps not far enough with the others. In any case, the disparity was notable to me and that's just one example. The subject matter, I'm afraid, didn't really move me either. I see potential here and I wonder if maybe you could have used some of the extra time to tighten it up a bit, too.
Techwarrior
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Revolt From Below
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I thought this was well constructed and the imagery was engaging to read. My favorite part was the third stanza. I can practically feel the contempt as I read it. On the flip side, I don't see the connection of the fist stanza to the rest of the poem and I felt the final stanza was just a tad over the top.
To Light the Darkness
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I found this entry to be a little confusing. He hasn't spoken to her in months but he heard from her only weeks ago, implying that he didn't respond the last time she initiated contact, and now he decides to track her down because he misses her? Maybe it's poor word choice or maybe I'm not getting the story right. Why are they apart at all? Maybe that would have cleared up some of the confusion. Yes, I think my beef here is that there isn't enough story to fill in the holes and make me want to connect with the speaker, for good or ill.
Verdict
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I'm going to go with Techwarrior for more consistent execution and for, in general, making a better emotional connection for me. Well done to both poets, of course. Keep in mind that this is the finale and so my criticisms are more sharp in order to nail down a winner in an otherwise close contest.
There, that's done! Congratulations to Techwarrior for emerging victorious!
I now hand over the reigns once again to Vaynor to take charge for the next iteration.
I invite everyone to vote on a Best In Show via PM or in thread. It can be any submission from any round and anyone can vote, even if they've only just found this thread. I only got one vote last time so I'm going to state that if I haven't gotten a decent number of votes I'm not going to declare a fan favorite this time either.
When I read Techwarrior's poems, I knew they would be hard to beat. Nonetheless, I'm happy with my own work, although the judges had some very interesting remarks that could make them even better. So thanks to the judges!
For me personally, I think TechWarrior deserves to win this round only because of: "Emotional violence has it's own kind of silence". This line is from a whole other league than everything else written here. The line I wish I wrote myself.
Anyway, although 2 wins by default brought me further into the competition than I hoped, I'm pleased that people like what I write, even as a non-native english speaker. After all, poems are just a string of words, but crafted so that they tingle a reader.
__________________
My personal folder is a graveyard of ideas, stuck in their dream phase.
The "DM won't kill us" attitude is a bubble that sometimes needs to be bursted.
There's an armor variant rule in UA that will drastically increase character survivability without completely bubble-wrapping them in plot invulnerability
While you guys talk about this, I think I'll start the next contest off by posting the thread to begin gaining interest. Thanks to all of the judges!
__________________
"'There aren't any beginnings,' Burton said. 'Nor any ends.
It seems to me that man has engaged in a blind and fearful struggle out of
a past he can't remember, into a future he can't foresee nor understand.
And man has met and defeated every obstacle, every enemy except one.
He cannot win over himself.'"
~John Steinbeck~ My Homebrew(Most Recent) | Forum Rules | IRC
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Re: Iron Poet XVI
Anyway, judgements!
