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Best story I have was in my short lived career playing 4e.
We were doing Dark Sun, and the world was fittingly craptastic. As we walked through a town, attempting to get to our objective. Well, our Bard was a "free" soul. That means he tried to seduce anything female that walked across our path.
Including the 9 foot giantess who gave us directions.
And immediately fell desperately in love with said bard.
And immediately dragged him away to her private room.
And didn't let him out for the next two days.
Yeah... he actually never showed up for the rest of the campaign, though we cut back to see "what was happening."
I actually nearly died writing this post; I laughed the whole way through. And now my larynx is about to explode.
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Quotes:
Spoiler
Quote:
Originally Posted by TravelLog
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Originally Posted by SamBurke
*snip* ...Hands down the funniest class critique I have ever read... *snip*
I cannot tell you the number of times I laughed while reading this.
Best story I have was in my short lived career playing 4e.
We were doing Dark Sun, and the world was fittingly craptastic. As we walked through a town, attempting to get to our objective. Well, our Bard was a "free" soul. That means he tried to seduce anything female that walked across our path.
Including the 9 foot giantess who gave us directions.
And immediately fell desperately in love with said bard.
And immediately dragged him away to her private room.
And didn't let him out for the next two days.
Yeah... he actually never showed up for the rest of the campaign, though we cut back to see "what was happening."
I actually nearly died writing this post; I laughed the whole way through. And now my larynx is about to explode.
No death by snu-snu? Dang.
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~~Courage is not the lack of fear~~
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Originally Posted by gooddragon1
If the party wizard can't survive a supersonic dragon made of iron at epic levels it's his own fault really.
At the end of the current plot arc, the PCs faced a gut-wrenching decision. A certain artifact had to be activated within a day to forestall the Apocalypse-Which-Cannot-Be-Succinctly-Explained and give the heroes enough time to reach the other three plot devices. They made it to the dungeon with plenty of time to spare. Trouble was, in the center of the dungeon they ran into something they hadn't expected - a chained titan, sealed away in ancient times for rebelling against the gods (the deities in this setting, even the allegedly good ones, viewed mortals as a fuel source - this titan was actually trying to protect the mortal races). He was a sympathetic figure and a powerful potential ally, and the PCs wanted to free him, except for one thing - the artifact (which was actually the dungeon itself) couldn't be activated without killing him.
No problem, right? The heroes had earlier acquired the artifact Sealbreaker, a hammer capable of breaking any protective or binding spell, even those of the gods. Unfortunately, it couldn't dispel the work of the gods without permanently costing the wielder his life - and I'd been very clear that only a sapient being who was not under magical coercion could use it. The dungeon was far too remote for them to return to civilization and find a willing sacrifice before the time limit ran out. I wanted the PCs to face an impossible choice between killing a heroic innocent and sacrificing their own lives.
...well, they were too smart for me. "Wait, isn't the definition of a sentient creature something with 3 or more INT?" From there it was a simple matter of finding an ape in the surrounding jungle, casting Charm Animal, placing our swordsage's Headband of Intellect on it... and tricking the newly-sapient ape into striking the titan's chains with the hammer.
....
Did your character get an on the spot Deity level? Just saying. You convinced a demon to join the forces of good, with a damn mango....
And people think bards are useless.
Who said the PCs were necessarily the forces of Good?
I mean they COULD have been, but that was never specified I don't think.
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Originally Posted by Dire Panda
...well, they were too smart for me. "Wait, isn't the definition of a sentient creature something with 3 or more INT?" From there it was a simple matter of finding an ape in the surrounding jungle, casting Charm Animal, placing our swordsage's Headband of Intellect on it... and tricking the newly-sapient ape into striking the titan's chains with the hammer.
So much for gut-wrenching moral choices, huh?
Nice trick, but I wouldn't allow Headbands of Intellect to break the Int -/1/2 to Int 3+ barrier like that just on general principles. I might let them get away with it just that once as a reward for creative thinking though.
A While ago i was playing a Warforged Barbarian who was Illiterate and had a int score of 7. However I singlehandly saved a librarian from a mugging so he gave me a lesson on history. I was allowed to put a single rank in Knowledge(History). Later on we ventured into a cavern that had reports of undead coming from it. after clearing out a wing of the cavern which didn;t have undead but did have some hostile dwarves we noticed a small crack in the wall. The rest of the party worked on trying to find a way through the wall as they could see a intricate network of caves on the other side. they managed to get a light source through the crack and could make out some cave drawing on the other side.
While they were doing all this I was dismembering the dwarves into as many little pieces as i could when i noticed everyone making knowledge checks to see what the painting were. I decided to roll my knowledge History. Nat 20. My Illierate barbarian with an Int score of 7 went from hacking a pile of ~ 6 dwarves into as many little pieces as he could to giving a dissertation on the various tunneling and artworks of the species of cave gnomes that have inhabited this area for the past 500 years.
After the TN gnome fighter in our party hitched up with a gnome waitress, got drunk, and jumped out a third-story window because he wanted to go downstairs (nearly killing both himself and the inn's owner in the process when he landed on him), the CG human wilder/cleric and my LG elf cleric/ex-bard decided to go "flumph hunting" so that no one would get injured in the future if the fighter jumped out a window again. After some exploring through the town, we finally found a place that my ex-bard had decided would be a "dramatically appropriate place" for flumphs to visit.
DM: You turn the bend in the narrow road and come across two flumph ghosts floating near the base of the bell tower. Wilder/Cleric: *proceeds to fail his saves against both ghosts' appearance* Me: Ghost flumphs?! TURN UNDEAD! *rolls an 8 on his turning check* Rats. DM: Okay... *rolls a 5 and 6 for the flumphs' turn resistance* The ghosts, cowered by your display of positive energy, immediately turn and flee the scene. Me: Really? DM: *rolls* Moments later, a human ghost falls from the sky and splats on the ground below in the exact spot where the flumphs were floating before you Turned them. Wilder/Cleric: Those flumphs were there for a reason?
At this point, we all burst into uncontrollable laughter which forced a pause to the game for the next few minutes (after which we decided to make our characters start laughing as well).
Sooo, Elroy Grasso'blue won the thread, or by default, some unique award.
*slow clap*
And that's only with a mango. Imagine what he would have achieved with the Doctor's celery.
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Originally Posted by on Dwarf Fortress succession games
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.
Or was the Charm Animal dismissed and then the ape mundanely tricked?
That. It's not too hard to trick something that's still adjusting to a sudden doubling of brainpower. (For further reference, see me while my morning coffee has yet to kick in)
That is amazing. I now want to put Elroy Grasso'blu in my campaigns as a kindly bard, traveling the world, teaching the importance of sharing.
Please do! And feel free to add as many twists to the character as you like. I voiced him with a blend of Larry the Cable guy's enthusiasm and Forrest Gump's slower speech pattern. I also threw in a dash of the accent one of my favorite college professors had.
He was a classy older southern gent who loved William Faulkner even more than William Shakespeare, but could make anything he was talking about sound interesting. "Shakespeare's...just bawdy. Just... accept it. Git yer minds in the gutter, people. In Romeo and Juliet...when the servants are talkin...and one says 'Mah naked weapon is out,'...he is not talkin about the dagger on his belt..."
When it came to using Perform (Oratory) for Elroy's Bardic Music Abilities, I had a few tales loosely hashed out that I would use if needed, all pertaining to various kinfolk. (feel free to use these or make up your own)
Inspire Courage told the story of Elroy's gramma Myretha Grasso'blu and the time "Them thar Goblins came a' courtin".
Countersong was a rambling story about his family tree (and yes, "I'm My Own Grandpa" inspired it) designed to confuse and break the brain of the spellcaster who heard it.
Fascinate as you recall was the mango story, but feel free to insert any sort of scene-appropriate folk tale involving an ancestor of the Grasso'blu line.
If you're going to use Inspire Competence, the more "Git'er done!" the better, in my opinion. But if you want to tell the tale about the time Jethro Grasso'blu had to keep his smellhound from gettin' into the vittles, that works too.
Inspire Greatness were tales of Bo and Luke Grasso'blu, dodgin' the law and ridin' around on their big orange riding dawg who jumped a lot. Generally speakin, they were awesome.
Can't rightly recall what I had for Song of Freedom.
Inspire Heroics, though? That was Jethro Grasso'blu's famous last stand against them Redneck Treefolk who kept tryin' to get into his 'shine. (Those familiar with a webcomic by the name of Something Positive might recall these)
Now, as for another story to keep this thread going, I'll tell you a tale from an Exalted campaign I was in. My girlfriend was playing an Abyssal named Red (short for The Red Widow, a name we deliciously and shamelessly stole from a George R.R. Martin novella), a master of the Laughing Wounds style of Martial Art. For those less familiar with Exalted, think Ivy from Soul Calibur, with even more Dominatrix (and a fair dash of crazy) added.
Red had a retinue of "pretties", a small group of awakened undead servants who would carry her around in a palanquin, tend to her needs, and assist in her delightful endeavors.
My girlfriend actually managed to do one of the things Mr. Welch isn't allowed to do in RPGs (a fantastic list, I'm sure many of you have seen it) after a Seven Samurai/Magnificent Seven inspired battle by rolling around and making carnage angels. The best part? She hadn't seen the list and wasn't aware of that entry. The bunch of us who were aware of these facts had a great and uproarious laugh at this.
In addition to playing my own character (a repentant Abyssal cross between Roland Deschain and Jonah Hex), I also got to play some of her servants. One of them (Baltic, my handle's namesake), was the resident Sick Puppy of the group.
His response to the battle was to hold a puppet show using parts of the people we'd ganked since he didn't get to take part (his Mistress ordered him to keep children safe during the battle so the other Exalts wouldn't complain, and he followed this to the letter...then held his puppet show afterwards when no one was looking).
We made our way eventually to a wonderful ancient city concealed in a jungle, and amazingly, we get granted an audience with the ruler of the city. A nasty sort by the name of Raksi, the Queen of Fangs. (She eats babies, don't ya know). She has books we need access to, but how to distract her?
Red: "Baltic, come forward. Present yourself to the Queen. Keep her... entertained."
Baltic was not only an awakened undead, he'd been sentient for some time (in our game's fluff, he was one of the first servants of The Lover Clad in the Raiment of Tears) and was a student of various hedonist and sadomasochist delights. Long story short, if anyone could keep the Queen of Fangs entertained, it'd be him.
Rather than subject a gaming table to descriptive squick, I cut-scened to the next morning, with Baltic making Raksi tea, a la Grissom and Lady Heather from CSI: Vegas. The thought of someone as epic and badass as Raksi reduced to blissful smiles and something approaching warmth brought more than a few laughs at our table. :)
The Atlas is also goofy but it has that whole "Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" menacing smile thing going for it. The guy who drew that one up was obviously taken to the Nutcracker when he was a child... and he was screaming in terror the entire time.
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Originally Posted by Enterti, Cogidubnus
Glyphstone, out of all the playground I think you scare me the most...
So I was in the last session of a Super Villain game using spycraft. Kind of depressing for me, but funny for everyone else. My character was a demon, my friends were a Tech Ninja, Daredevil, Sniper, Immortal, Gunslinger, and evil CEO. The Solver is the BBEG
Gunslinger: I shoot at the "Solver". *Wink Wink Nudge Nudge*
GM:Okay. Roll *Gunslinger Rolls* Demon what's your defense?
Me: He's shooting at me!
Gunslinger: No I'm shooting at the "Solver". *Air Quotes*
Me: Do I see him?
GM: No he's behind the Solver.
I decided that my character thought the Solver was getting extra shots off so I retreated into a nearby crowd.
Gunslinger: I shoot at "the Solver". *Air quotes*
GM: You don't see him.
Gunslinger: I shoot at the Solver then. *No air quotes*
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The sniper was also taking pot shots at me, because the Immortal wanted me dead. The reason, because I killed my nemesis, which he had a vendetta with. But at the end of the game the GM asked us what we wanted to do before we tried to escape.
GM: So what would you guys like to do.
Sniper: I want to shoot the guy.
GM: Which one?
Sniper: The one on the first Note I passed to you. *rolls*
GM: Okay. Demon, what's Immortals defense?
Immortal: What? I hired you to kill Demon!
Talking to the GM afterwards the Immortal hired the Sniper to kill everyone else, in exchange for his life. The Sniper didn't think he would stick with his deal, so in the end he sniped the Immortal in the head.
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Haggis is Sheep's stomach filled with its intestines.
So, we are playing Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, and I'm a playing what is basically a mild version of a murder hobo. I'm more like an aggressive mugger who the party only puts up with because I was the best in a fight, so I was payed to be muscle. Anyway, eventually the DM decided to teach me a lesson...
We arrived in a small city where the town guard is known to be pretty active in stopping crime, but very corrupt. Murder will probably only get you a large "fine," and their jails are filled with only the poor.
So my character, Felix, decides "Hey, I could get behind this kind of work. It's basically what I'm doing now, only the law is on my side!" So he goes to apply.
Keep in mind, that I've basically been on a crime spree for the last 4 cities, I'm wanted for over a dozen assaults and muggings, and the murder of a town guard.
So, I go in and ask to apply. The guard gives me a funny look, then smirks and points to the "Wanted" wall. Where I see myself on a poster.
"Son of a bitch..."
I lost all my ill gotten wealth, some of my legitimate wealth, and a very cushy job compared to wandering in the wilderness of the empire.
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Girl, pack a sandwich before our date, cuz you know I'm gonna ask you for one later...
Can't post right now, but I'll come back with a few stories of my own later!
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I can't stand my own grammar mistakes. So if one of my posts has 4+ edits, chances are I fixed 4+ different typos.
I seem to find another one every time I read one of my posts!
We were in a castle, and in our group of casters (one summoner, one sorceress, one wizard, one magic, and an alchemist) I (the alchemist) am the only one with ranks in disable device and a form of dispelling magic (gotta live dispel bombs). Therefore, I am the go-to guy when it comes to traps.
So in this castle, we came to a five-foot-wide corridor with a door at the end. When our magus stepped on one of the tiles, he and the wizard got zapped with a lightning bolt. Upon detecting magic, we find that every tile between us and the door radiates magic, meaning that each one is trapped.
Being the only one able to disable traps, I use endure elements on myself and begin disabling the traps.
I'm succeeding most of the time, only rolling one fail, until I get to the second-to-last tile. Then this happened:
Me: I disable the trap (rolls a 3)
DM: You fail roll a reflex save.
Me: (succeeds)
DM: Take 18 points of damage
Me: I try again (Rolls a 1)
DM: Reflex
Me: (Rolls) Crap, I failed.
DM: (Rolls dice) take 35 damage
Me: Again (fails check and reflex)
DM: Take 35 damage
Me: Again! (Fails both)
DM: 23 damage, your protection is gone and you take normal damage.
Me: Iyaaaaaaaa! (actual scream)
DM: As you scream, you see a rock fall from the ceiling onto the ground in front of you, make another reflex.
Me: (fails) oh no.
DM: Take 21 damage
Me: I run back to the others.
End result was me getting electrocuted to within 3 hit points, me finally managing to disable one of the remaining traps, us finding out that the one who dropped the rock was a skeleton, and us taking over the castle.
At the time, everyone was laughing at me getting barbecued.
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If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.
As a DM, I have a soft spot for Fleshrakers. It is kind of a running joke in my world with how often I have used them against the party. One player HATES them more than he should. He usually plays a character with a massive AC and a bigger fortitude save so they shouldn't be a problem.
Shouldn't.
Me: Ok, that is 3 poison attempts. *rolls eyes* Go ahead and save.
Him: *rolls 3 d20* Well, I got to an 11 combined with 3 dice. Soooo, I think I failed.
Me: Alright, that's 12 Dex damage.
*2 minutes later*
Me: Ok, your up.
Him: *looks to me with the most amount of contempt possible* I. Have. Negative. 6. Dex.
I had forgotten that he had rolled exceptionally poorly in the last fight.
The winner was this situation though:
The party is looking into a couple murders and heard that this one rich kook was particularly nasty. He would pay money for people to disfigure themselves (Devil who worshiped Mistress of Pain). This is the exchange as they approached his house.
Me: As you knock on the door, it swings open after a very short delay. On the other side of the door is a large Ogre in a suit.
Beguiler: "What are you doing here?!"
There was a silence for a good 9 seconds as we all kind of stared at him. The silence was broken by someone stating "I think he just cast Confusion in real life..."
To this day, we have no idea what the hell he was talking about.
I'm telling this story second-hand; I was not involved, but I heard about it from one of the DMs that I gamed with.
The group had travelled several millenia back in time, chasing after the BBEG who was attempting a Terminator-esque plot to alter history and thereby remove many obstacle to his schemes in the future. One of the targets on his hit-list was the major good aligned city that in the present was home to, and the home-base for, many of the group's members.
Arriving in the past, they are lagging somewhat behind the BBEG, and are faced with the task of tracking him down. The group, lacking a solid lead and realizing that their Wand of Teleportation is running low on charges, decided to split the party. 2 members will stay behind to search and see if they can uncover either the BBEG or his minions, and the other 2 will teleport to their home city (where they are well-known heros) in order to prepare defensive measures, then purchase another wand and rejoin the rest of the group.
Spending the LAST two charges in the wand, they teleport several hundred miles and arrive...in the middle of a dense jungle. Somewhat perplexed, they look around a bit (but of course they characters with good search checks had stayed behind). Not finding anything, they query the DM, who informs them that: "Yes, this is the spot they wanted, and yes, magic is functioning correctly". Then he instructs them to make spot and listen checks since their frantic search is stirring up the local wildlife.
The entire group is growing increasingly frustrated and not in the mood for a random encounter, and starts to harrass the DM about how come they managed to lose an entire city. The DM, who is somewhat frustrated himself with the players missing the obvious truth, says "The settlers that build the town that will become X City won't arrive for another (brief pause to consult notes)... another 400 years or so."
[As I mentioned, the history of the city was not unknown to the players, as they have had several campaigns where the city has played an important role.]
The entire group is stupified into silience.
DM: What? You're 25 centuries in the past, you can't expect everything to be exactly the same. This whole plot line is based around changing the past to effect the future.
All four players stare at each other in slowly-dawning horror; they are seperated, half a continent apart, with no conceivable means to regroup, or even communicate. The DM re-instructs the 2 players to make spot and listen checks, which they do, somewhat apprehensively, because the DM had previously informed them that he was swapping to a more "primeval" encounter table for this pre-civilized world.
Their characters turn to face the crashing noises coming from the jungle, and prepare to either fight or flee, depending on what emerges. The DM rolls a dice, and consults his encounter table. Then he rechecks the dice. Then he double checks his table.
DM: Crashing out of the jungle comes giant prehistoric monster, which you quickly identify as...*sigh*...the Tarrasque.
Player 1 and 2 look at each other, totally at a loss for how to proceed. They look towards players 3 & 4, who know what is going on Meta-game wise, but who's character's won't realize anything is wrong for at least a week, and have virtually no chance of finding and/or resurecting them.
No help to be had from that quarter either.
Player 1: I roll for...I make a.... *stops and looks at player 2*
Player 2: We want to....make...a...something....to....not do....THIS! *looks in desperation at the DM*
The DM is himself pretty stumped, not having expected the normally competent group to mess up quite this badly.
DM: Alright, umm....(he stops and thinks for nearly a full minute)
DM: Make a wisdom check.
Players 1 & 2: *roll dice* is 15 good enough?
DM: Uhm, suuuuure. You all stand around the time portal, chuckling about what a terrible mistake it would be to teleport halfway around the world to a city that won't be built for another thousand years.
All: *breathe a sigh of relief*
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"A man is known by the company he organizes." -Ambrose Bierce
These two words made me lol! The players should pay the pizzas for the next weeks!
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I can't stand my own grammar mistakes. So if one of my posts has 4+ edits, chances are I fixed 4+ different typos.
I seem to find another one every time I read one of my posts!
To avoid harming the sanity of the DM I can no longer:
* Cast flesh to stone on a annoying Druid
** Cast Rock to mud on a Druid statue
*** Scoop mud into little ceramic pots
**** Plant tree's in individual ceramic pots
***** Claim that I have helped them become one with nature
Well, I don't know if this one is funny enough.
In the beginning of the campaign, my paladin caught a nasty decease that reduced his strength and constitution by 2 every day. The party decided to seek for the herb that will heal from it, but in the middle of the forest we suddenly remembered that we have absolutely no food. Party ranger, Vasily, was to find some meat, but when it came to the survival checks, he rolled... rather poorly.
He rolls. Fail. Rolls again. Fail. Rolls again. Fail. And again. And again. Whoa! Natural one! Thus, he walked right into a big hungry wolf, that looked rather... interested in our Vasily. Ranger's first reaction was to shot him, but he rolled poorly (again) on the damage roll, damaging the animal for the amount of 2. After realization that he is as good as eaten, he tried to roll the handle animal skill, trying to tame the predator. Wolf was rather shocked by the attempt, so this bought for Vasily some time to flee.
It was nearly midnight, when he returned to the camp. After scolding him for a poor job and bickering for a while, we went asleep. Then our DM chuckled a little and asked us to make Listen checks. The only one, who made it, was the ranger.
- What do I see, when I wake up? - he asked.
- There is a pack of wolves right in front of you. By the way, their leader has an arrow in the ear.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fibinachi
Hey, if the cost of that particular paladin in that particular scenario is falling...
... then I intend to so hard and so fast that the impact carries me and the cleric through the core of the planet and out the other side, streaking blood, grit, gore, law, evil, good and the precepts of my convictions far, far behind me. If being a rapidly moving comet soaring across the multiverse is the price one must pay to defeat a demigod of Evil, then that'll be the price.
We've just finished off some giants when we notice a named red dragon. Kothar turns into a dire bat while Kasma casts fly on me. We make it over to the dragon in half a minute. We drop off Vurzand on a nearby tower and prepare to attack the dragon. I shoot at the dragon to signal the rest of the party. Now, my character has the brilliant idea to insult the dragon to draw his attention off the others. It works, somewhat. Kothar flies up to the dragon and spits venom into his eyes, blinding him for a round.
After that, I decide, "Hey, why not be like Legolas?" and try to land on the dragon. I miss, bounce off, and grab on to his neck. Kothar then staggers the dragon with Frigid Touch while Kasma orders her familiar, a weasel, to jump onto the dragon's back. After pulling myself up onto the dragon, I shoot and miss. Kothar shoots some lightning at the dragon while Kasma's familiar uses Frigid Touch on the dragon. Next two rounds, same thing, but I fumble on one and cause myself one point of damage.
My turn again, I use Manyshot, critical hit. Taking my second shot, another critical hit. Named dragon dies. We just killed a named red dragon in six rounds and the only damage we took was one point of self-inflicted bleed.
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One of these days, I'll figure out why my Wizard is the only one who knows Resurrection in my 4E party, and not the Cleric.
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