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Well, I don't know if this one is funny enough.
In the beginning of the campaign, my paladin caught a nasty decease that reduced his strength and constitution by 2 every day.
Paladins are immune to all diseases in 3rd edition (which you had to be playing since handle animal isn't in any other edition) from level 3 onwards. Are you saying your DM gave you a disease that reduces STR and CON by 2 per day at level 1/2?
Last edited by holywhippet : 07-26-2012 at 07:39 PM.
Are you saying your DM gave you a disease that reduces STR and CON by 2 per day at level 1/2?
1) He hadn't thought of any other good plot hook (my paladin was cured by some druid guy after all)
2) Yes, it was level 2. Actually, I was Fighter 1/Paladin 1, so I should gain 2 more levels to get this immunity.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fibinachi
Hey, if the cost of that particular paladin in that particular scenario is falling...
... then I intend to so hard and so fast that the impact carries me and the cleric through the core of the planet and out the other side, streaking blood, grit, gore, law, evil, good and the precepts of my convictions far, far behind me. If being a rapidly moving comet soaring across the multiverse is the price one must pay to defeat a demigod of Evil, then that'll be the price.
System: World of Warcraft d20
Party: Human Paladin (me), Dwarf Rogue (fond of dual-wielding blunderbusses), High-Elf Mage with a drinking problem, and a Night Elf Ranger who doesn't really come into the story. All 3rd level.
The Hook:
Spoiler
We've been hired to clear out a group of bandits harassing trade routes thru the forest. Typical low-level lead-in "get some experience"-type quest...
The Setup:
Spoiler
After flushing out an ambush along the trade route, we beat the hell out of some bandits, tie them up, and interrogate them to find their base... which turns out to be a fairly well-defended wooden fort in a large clearing deeper in the forest.
After scouting out the area, we decide that the best course of action would be to have the Mage cast Invisibility on the Rogue, then have him sneak up to the fort, climb the outer wall, unlock the gate, then sneak back out again.
At first, the plan works flawlessly. Rogue gets in and un-bars the front gate without anyone noticing him. He gets up to the outer wall again... and finds a sentry walking patrol only a few feet away. Well, our hero can't pass up a chance like that! He decides to sneak up right behind the sentry, pull out BOTH blunderbusses, and unload them at point-blank range into the poor helpless CR1/4 mook right in front of him. 3d6 from each Blunderbuss plus 2d6 per hit for Sneak Attack.
The Punchline:
Spoiler
Meanwhile, back at the party...
Our characters are waiting patiently at the edge of the clearing for our intrepid rogue to come back, when an earth-shattering KABOOOM is heard from the general direction of the camp.
Quoth the GM: "So, it starts raining a fine red mist, and you guys notice a commotion over in the camp."
So, we all start running for the gate, hoping that our rogue has at least managed to get the door open. SURPRISE, in the two rounds it takes us to get there, someone notices the gate's been unbarred and has closed it again.
Meanwhile, the Rogue is now surrounded by the bandits and is fighting for his life. My character, being the big strong Paladin guy, starts trying to break down the gate to aid the poor dumbass.
GM: "Okay, roll me a Strength check to shoulder the door open."
Me: *rolls* "Ugh, a 2"
Rogue: "Kinda need some help here!"
Next Round
GM: "Pally, roll another Strength check"
Me: *rolls* "...a 1"
Rogue: "REALLY COULD USE SOME HELP GUYS"
The above goes on for at least two or three more rounds, until the Mage, who has been flinging spells at the archers on the walls, decides he's had enough, and charges the gate.
Mage: "Awright, pansy-ass Paladin, stand aside if you can't manage it! YEAAAAAAAARGHHHH!"
GM: "Roll it."
Mage: *rolls* "Natural 20!"
Me: "..."
GM: "So, there's an elf-shaped hole in the gate now..."
Needless to say, "Fine red mist" and "Elf-shaped hole" became staple jokes of our gaming group.
When I DM games where players have pets (familiars, mounts, animal companions, etc.) with humanlike intelligence, I tend to get pretty goofy with the pets' characterization (my players are kind enough to let me voice their pets).
Our paladin is pretty well known in my campaign world, so his mount became a hotshot warhorse who was overconfident. End result: horse always sounded like The Scout from TF2. Thankfully, for the paladin, the horse didn't pop up much, but when he did summon it, things always got pretty goofy.
Wizard: We need some extra muscle to haul this carriage.
Paladin: I summon my warhorse.
Warhorse: All right boss, what we got goin' today? Giants to slay? Hordes of goblins to fight?
Paladin: *Puts yoke on horse.*
Bard (an avid TF2 player who often plays as Scout): I bet you have some crazy stories, horse.
Me: Actually, only the paladin can hear him.
Bard:
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Yes my name is misspelled. No I don't care. There, problem solved.
Anyway, I'm long overdue for a funny story so I shall give you a titbit or so from the current set of encounters.
Fun with doors.
Spoiler
So, we had just cleared out the twisted tower of guards, and saved the damsel (who was a changeling all along: (GODDAMN SKRULLS!), ),There was a door to the underdark and obviously the maguffin. So my burly half-orc monk (as opposed to my “Just won’t freaking DIE” revenant dragon born monk) set about tearing the door off it’s hinges.
Turns out, where I placed my model was not the door we actually wanted to remove. Suffice to say, I blend in with being the Big Dumb Fighter WAAAAAY too easily.
Fun with multiple Awesome personality disorder.
Spoiler
One of the players at our table is pretty amazing all round: not only does he make ridiculously convoluted hybrids that nerveless work like a charm, he’s not a bad role-player, and this came to a head with his current character: An ex-druid, who, after attempting to guard his grove by splitting himself into multiple bodies, went quite insane, and can now manifest his personalities outside his body and hit people with them.
Gems with this character include:
*Yelling at a drow guard “YOU KILLED ME!” after having one of his spirits slain.
* Jokingly asking his D.M if he could have 3 renown points for surviving 8 sessions because there were technically 3 of him. (D.M rules that only if he could keep all his lesser spirits alive, which he did not, sooo…)
* Politely asking a drow prisoner to stay put and not escape… AFTER the psion made her explode into giblets. “And don’t you run off now!”
* Trying to inspire two enslaved goblins to be his brethren in arms by a combination of wild gesticulation and blowing up several of their buddies. (he failed, but they got to escape anyway.)
The psion, by the way, was a chaotic evil shardmind, who we nicknamed him wind-chimes because his telepathy-voice/appearance was like one. Between that and trying to bluff his way into being someone’s thoughts, he fit right in with the party!
Fun with drow-punting.
Spoiler
Speaking of the last-two incidents above, we eventually came to what I was called something along the lines of doomstone keep: a massive stalactite, and a major crossroads in the drow empire, connected around a bottomless-pit by spider-web rope bridges. We had to fight our way pass the keep due to our poor stealth/bluff checks.
Naturally, seeing as we were over a chasm and had as whole bunch of push/slide powers, we spent basically the entire fight shoving or teleporting the drow over the edged and off the cliff.
(un)Fortunately, there was a safety spider web… but the spider was still attached, and much feasting by the giant arachnid ensured. The drow may like spiders but the spiders don’t have to like them.
Bonus: there are several tables all running D&D encounters at the same time at our store. I went up to another group, and their fighter has managed to fall off and was also locked in combat with the spider, which was very much kicking his ass:
Suffice to say, I am glad we didn't trigger THAT bossfight.
Fun with worthless dung.
Spoiler
With another group but the same campaign, we went up to the next challenge: a keep with two enslaved ogres guarding the gate: Dung and Worthless, respectively. In the traditional tokeinein style, we had the drop on them and tried to make them argue against one –another by throwing rocks and blaming it on one of them. This lead to the following conversation:
Worthless: “Dung, stop throwin’ rocks! We’ll get in trouble!”
Dung: “Wasn’t throwing rocks! You were, mate!”
Worthless “ I’m not your mate, I’m your brother!”
After that failure and failed bluff checks (me: “NO-ONE HERE BUT US ROCKS.”) and the drow running in to pelt us with spell and arrow, we tried to get dung to fight worthless… with little success.
Dung: “I can’t fight worthless, he’s my brother!”
Worthless: “I’m not his brother, I’m his mate!”
Dung managed to escape unharmed and ran off but only AFTER we pointed out that he was no-longer chained to the wall due to the effort of the rogue. The player party was not so lucky…
Fun with worthless baseball.
Spoiler
After several successful(wind-genasia racial power) or failed( My monk attempting to jump.) attempts to reach the top of the keep, our halfling rogue managed to throw a grappling hook up to the keep and kill the crap out of the drow there. Then he got cocky, and decided to directly throw down with Worthless the ogre, who was in the courtyard.
However, this mean that Worthless now had a clear shot AND the space to use his encounter power, and he wound up for his strike.
Me: “HIT HIM FOR SIX!”
D.M: **Rolls the damage dice and comes up with enough damage to insta-kill* rogue and splatter his corpse on the opposite wall.**
Me: “…OUTTA THE PARK!”
My gaming group has a tendency towards the silly. Once, in a zombie RPG, we fought a man wearing powerful body armor, when he pulls the pin on a grenade. I figure it's a bluff, so I tell my teammates to keep fighting. The explosion proves me wrong. What's embarrassing is that the exact same thing happens again three rounds later, because I thought for sure, I was right this time.
Because it was a zombies RP, one of the first things we did was drive to Gander Mountain. (A hunting and camping store) It became a hub for our missions. At one point, someone asked us who we were. In true superhero fashion, I whispered "We're the Gander Mountain Rangers." The name stuck
In the same campaign, fighting zombies in a Sam's Club, two teammates and I found a forklift and rode into battle with riding it. One player branded us "Scoob Squad" as we surged forward. We were all quickly knocked into negative hit-points. One Squad-member now has a leather jacket, our in-game uniform, with "Scoob Squad" embroidered on it IRL.
Once, we were infiltrating a zombie-infested jail. One player had invited a woman who had never played an RP before to join us. Everything seemed to be going well until she realized he had a better gun than she did. Eventually, she shot and threw grenades at him until he was unconscious, took his things, and never came to another session again.
Whenever we got into confrontations with humans in the RP, because I had ranks in gambling and cheating, I would always challenge them to poker with the catchphrase "Are you a gamblin' man?" To my surprise, one said yes and asked if I had a deck of cards. It was only then that I remembered I did not have any kind of deck on me.
In the eleventh hour of the Gander Mountain Campaign, a fellow member of the Scoob Squad had been using a spiked frisbee he had made early in the RP as a weapon. He had climbed up a tree and was shooting zombies from it. Sixty yards away, we were all climbing into a hatch and it looked like he was going to be left behind. Somehow, he tied a rope to the frisbee, threw it like a grappling hook into the hatch, and ziplined down to safety. He had to burn like three "fate points" (re-rolls specific to the module) but he had accomplished one of the greatest feats of the campaign.
Well, it's not exactly something that happened in a session, but I always thpught my cousin's first Mutants & Masterminds character was pretty funny. When I first got the system, I told my players they could use it to build 'practically anything.' My cousin took this as a challenge. He asked, "Can I make a character that turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex with robot legs? That also spits acid?"
I said yes and asked for his backstory. Thus was born Space Captain Tiberius Rexington - a man who, in the distant future, stole advanced alien shapeshifting technology, allowing him to transform into the acid-spewing, robot-legged Mechasaurus. As punishment for his theft, Space Captain T. Rexington was sent back in time (apparently a fairly common punishment in the future). Now, he fights crime to save innocent lives - because, to quote him, "Man, I don't know how time travel works! What if, like, someone dies in this time period, and then that person was supposed to be my great-great-grandfather, and then I never get born? I have to do my part to make sure that doesn't happen, or whatever."
Unfortunately, the people who sent him back in time eventually realized that they completely forgot to confiscate his shapeshifting tech before sending him back (the future government is... not too bright, apparently), and sent back an agent with similar shapeshifting powers to track him down - the tyrannical Terrordactyl.
Also, he has skill ranks in "Space Guns" and "Space Swords." When I asked him if he meant things like blasters and lightsabers, he said, "No, they're exactly the same as regular guns and swords in every way. But I'm only good with the space ones. If I had a regular Earth weapon, it just wouldn't feel right."
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My blog, in which I talk about Pathfinder books (and maybe other things, some day).
Well, it's not exactly something that happened in a session, but I always thpught my cousin's first Mutants & Masterminds character was pretty funny. When I first got the system, I told my players they could use it to build 'practically anything.' My cousin took this as a challenge. He asked, "Can I make a character that turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex with robot legs? That also spits acid?"
I said yes and asked for his backstory. Thus was born Space Captain Tiberius Rexington - a man who, in the distant future, stole advanced alien shapeshifting technology, allowing him to transform into the acid-spewing, robot-legged Mechasaurus. As punishment for his theft, Space Captain T. Rexington was sent back in time (apparently a fairly common punishment in the future). Now, he fights crime to save innocent lives - because, to quote him, "Man, I don't know how time travel works! What if, like, someone dies in this time period, and then that person was supposed to be my great-great-grandfather, and then I never get born? I have to do my part to make sure that doesn't happen, or whatever."
Unfortunately, the people who sent him back in time eventually realized that they completely forgot to confiscate his shapeshifting tech before sending him back (the future government is... not too bright, apparently), and sent back an agent with similar shapeshifting powers to track him down - the tyrannical Terrordactyl.
Also, he has skill ranks in "Space Guns" and "Space Swords." When I asked him if he meant things like blasters and lightsabers, he said, "No, they're exactly the same as regular guns and swords in every way. But I'm only good with the space ones. If I had a regular Earth weapon, it just wouldn't feel right."
Damn! The BEST KIND of loonie!
Quote:
Hexblade: "What? Should I wait for Mr. were-ugly there to do it while pouncing? I plan to win the bizarre-action competition today, you know."
The best thing about that is that by R.A.W, you can actually trip that.
In a battle against two storm elementals, our group was trying to figure out what to do, when the human druid started:
Druid: "I cast bite of the weretiger. I share this spell with my animal companion."
DM: "...with your smilodon companion."
Druid: "Yeah, that's him."
DM: "So now he becomes a... weretiger saber tooth tiger."
Druid: "Hey, I didn't create the spell, man."
DM: "Who the hell created druids? You know what, whatever, you know have a weretiger saber tooth tiger. It has... stripes or something. It's just too goddamn ugly to live. Okay, hexblade, your turn now."
Hexblade: "Well, these guys are actually over-debuffed from my last round, right?"
DM: "Well... yeah, it seems so."
The hexblade then full attacks the elemental, but on his last attack...
Hexblade: "Ok, now I trip it."
DM: "You WHAT?"
Hexblade: "I trip it."
DM: "You trip a GIANT FREAKING LIGHTNING?"
Hexblade: "What? Should I wait for Mr. were-ugly there to do it while pouncing? I plan to win the bizarre-action competition today, you know."
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Proud member of fan club.
Last edited by Spider_Jerusalem : 07-28-2012 at 06:32 PM.
Star Wars RPG:
Jedi Veterans x 4
Jedi Scientist
Rookie Jedi
Wookie Pilot
So the Four Veteran Jedis and Scientist were told to find an alien that survived a major attack on his planet by Dark Jedi. Turns out the Alien has been spreading anti-jedi propaganda on Coruscant because he feels that the Civil War between Dark and Light will get everyone killed. The Veterans did nothing to quel his fears, in fact they tried to force pull him when he ran away and trap him in a force bubble. As such the Jedi Council gave us the Jedi Rookie to make sure we didn't kill anyone or go against the Jedi Code.
It worked out pretty well until we met a Dark Jedi we were supposed to convince to leave his evil ways. The Rookie Jedi was the first to strike.
Vet 1: Weren't you supposed to keep us in check?
Rookie: Dark Jedi. Have to kill him.
Wookiee: Am I the only one who hasn't tried to commit murder?
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Haggis is Sheep's stomach filled with its intestines.
Me (The Tommy-gun wielding halfling mobster)
The Boxer
The Summoner
The Sorcadin
So an alchemy lab exploded and scattered obsidian dust everywhere, which is causing an army of undead to rise up and attack the city. The army his holding the bridges just fine, and I've rallied the local gangs to help fight off other incursions. We are going to investigate the site of the lab itself.
We arrive and find zombies digging through the rubble. These are 1hd zombies, so one sweep of my machine gun drops them with no dice rolled (We are 18th level at this point). I feel something grabbing my ankle and make a fort save ( I succeed) against a Spectral-hand carrying some sort of nasty touch spell, which has grabbed my ankle
Cue five minutes of our party, which has today engaged in a midair free-fall battle against a flying demon (It antimagic'd our flying car, and we had to keep summoning air elementals to keep it from crashing until the engine started again) and a group of powerful mind flayers, trying to figure out what to do about the hand while my character jumps around shouting "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF".
From this point on, I would like to tell the story in two ways. First, how the Sorcadin experienced things, and then how the rest of us experienced things.
The Sorcadin's Story
Spoiler
The Sorcadin uses Detect Evil and gets a ping from under the water. He's got Some sort of buff on that gives him a swim speed and lets him breath underwater (This character was based around buffing himself, he had all four "Hear of X" buffs going, all day, every day), he dives underwater and encounters a necromancer. He attacks, the Necromancer retaliates with a Twinned Harm spell. The Sorcadin blocks one of the harms, but takes damage from the other.
It is at this point that a celestial whale appears in the river.
The Necromancer kills the whale and trades blows with the Paladin again.
At which point another Whale appears.
He turns to kill this whale, and the Paladin retreats, reaching the surface and, using his fly speed (Overland flight, I think), flies away (He is very, very low on hit points).
The Rest of the Party
Spoiler
The spectral hand is now off my foot. The Paladin looks towards the river, shouts "EVIL!" and dives into the water.
We stand dumfounded.
The Summoner starts throwing in some Aquatic summons while me and the Boxer stand there looking confused.
under the water we see splashing and bubbles.
Suddenly, the Sorcadin, looking considerably worse for wear, comes rocketing out of the water at a very high speed shouting
Me (The Tommy-gun wielding halfling mobster)
The Boxer
The Summoner
The Sorcadin
So an alchemy lab exploded and scattered obsidian dust everywhere, which is causing an army of undead to rise up and attack the city. The army his holding the bridges just fine, and I've rallied the local gangs to help fight off other incursions. We are going to investigate the site of the lab itself.
We arrive and find zombies digging through the rubble. These are 1hd zombies, so one sweep of my machine gun drops them with no dice rolled (We are 18th level at this point). I feel something grabbing my ankle and make a fort save ( I succeed) against a Spectral-hand carrying some sort of nasty touch spell, which has grabbed my ankle
Cue five minutes of our party, which has today engaged in a midair free-fall battle against a flying demon (It antimagic'd our flying car, and we had to keep summoning air elementals to keep it from crashing until the engine started again) and a group of powerful mind flayers, trying to figure out what to do about the hand while my character jumps around shouting "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF".
From this point on, I would like to tell the story in two ways. First, how the Sorcadin experienced things, and then how the rest of us experienced things.
The Sorcadin's Story
Spoiler
The Sorcadin uses Detect Evil and gets a ping from under the water. He's got Some sort of buff on that gives him a swim speed and lets him breath underwater (This character was based around buffing himself, he had all four "Hear of X" buffs going, all day, every day), he dives underwater and encounters a necromancer. He attacks, the Necromancer retaliates with a Twinned Harm spell. The Sorcadin blocks one of the harms, but takes damage from the other.
It is at this point that a celestial whale appears in the river.
The Necromancer kills the whale and trades blows with the Paladin again.
At which point another Whale appears.
He turns to kill this whale, and the Paladin retreats, reaching the surface and, using his fly speed (Overland flight, I think), flies away (He is very, very low on hit points).
The Rest of the Party
Spoiler
The spectral hand is now off my foot. The Paladin looks towards the river, shouts "EVIL!" and dives into the water.
We stand dumfounded.
The Summoner starts throwing in some Aquatic summons while me and the Boxer stand there looking confused.
under the water we see splashing and bubbles.
Suddenly, the Sorcadin, looking considerably worse for wear, comes rocketing out of the water at a very high speed shouting
"EEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"
and flies off into the sky.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dsurion
I don't know if you've noticed, but pretty much everything BRC posts is full of awesome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiasaur11
So, Astronaut, War Hero, or hideous Mantis Man, hop to it! The future of humanity is in your capable hands and or terrifying organic scythes.
I have so many good stories, it would take forever to tell them all. Here are some of the best ones.
Unconventional Ammo
Spoiler
We were playing a Spelljammer campaign where we were all monsters; The captain was a Mindflayer, the first mate was a Beholder, etc. We were being chased by another ship, and we decided that a boarding party was our best option. Problem was, it would take us several rounds to get there, and we'd be easy targets for their cannons while we made the journey. So, we needed a distraction. Maybe we could shoot something onto their ship to keep them too busy to notice our shuttle.
So we start looking around for something that will fit into a cannon or catapult that will keep them busy for a few rounds. Then it hit us: Beholders are spherical, and almost exactly the right size to fit into a catapult. So we loaded him in, buffed up both him and the gunner (the DM ruled that because he was being used as ammunition, we could use ammo buffs on him), and fired. Gunner rolls a natural 20, he lands perfectly on their ship, and immediately starts blasting eye beams everywhere. Needless to say, the resulting chaos allowed us to safely board and capture the ship.
How to Win the Tomb of Horrors
Spoiler
Characters:
My character, Lisa the 14th level human enchantress
Haas, 17th level Yuan-ti necromancer
Nadja, 16th level Yuan-ti envoker
A 15th level Death Knight whose name I can't remember
We're doing the Tomb of Horrors module, and doing pretty well at it. We get to a corridor that ends in a doorway and a statue with an open mouth that reveals only blackness. Now I know that most of you already know what that is, but at the time I had no idea, so there's no metagaming here. Nadja and Haas start examining the door, the Death Knight keeps watch, and I go to look at the statue. I assume that it's probably magical darkness, and look at my character sheet to see if I have anything that would help. I notice that I have a "torch of continual light", which is actually just a torch I cast continual light on, and keep in a heavy bag when I'm not using. I know that continual light cancels out magical darkness, so I thrust my torch into the blackness. The DM tells me to roll a save, which I make, and he tells me that something pulls at my torch, and I barely avoid having my arm pulled into the darkness. I pull my torch out, and the top six inches of it are just gone. A quick identification spell reveals that it is indeed a sphere of annihilation, and that I was lucky I only lost my torch.
Later, we get to a magical portal. We don't know where it leads, so Haas summons a skeleton, casts corpse link on it so he can see what it sees, and sends it through. It catches a brief glimpse of a Demi-lich before being destroyed. We buff up, get ready to attack, and leap through the portal. Suddenly, the two Yuan-tis and I are back at the entrance of the tomb, missing the Death Knight and all of our gear. The DM tells us over the table that the portal sends all non-living matter to the demi-lich's lair, and sends all living matter back outside. I use a limited wish to rewind time thirty seconds, and we try to come up with another plan. We realize that since the skeleton and death knight got through, the portal must allow undead to pass. So if we want to defeat this monster, the DK is going to have to do it on his own. Sounded like a tough fight, but then he pointed out that the easiest way to kill a demi-lich is to cast Power Word: Kill from the ethereal plane, and what do you know, he has a mount that can go ethereal and he gets Power Word as a racial ability. The DM didn't even make play out the combat, he just said "you win, here's the treasure".
The Hangover
Spoiler
Characters: my Elf Duskblade, and a human monk who has a reputation as being grumpy and quick to throw punches.
The Duskblade and monk are out drinking, and some random drunken guy starts giving the monk a hard time. Before I can intervene, the monk does a stunning fist and punches the guy through a wall. The drunk guy's brother gets upset, and challenges the monk to a duel in the arena outside of town in the morning when they're both more sober. I take the brother aside and try to talk him out of it, explaining that the monk is an experienced fighter and he's going to get his butt kicked. The guy assures me he has a plan, and leaves. I tell the monk that the guy seems to be planning to fight dirty, but the monk isn't worried, he says he can handle this guy and his tricks. The next morning, we arrive at the arena, which is just a stone circle in a nearby field, only to find the challenger passed out in the middle of the circle, covered in various plants in what appeared to be a bad attempt at camouflage. We wake him up, and he has no idea where he is, who we are, or why he has poison ivy stuffed down his shirt.
The Tarrasque Incident
Spoiler
The DM fudged the rules a bit to make the plot work, so don't think too hard about it. Same characters as the Tomb of Horrors story, minus the death knight.
Haas had become a minor god thanks to the deck of many things, which caused the government of the Empire of Almouria to decide to take him out. They somehow woke up the tarrasque and put it under a magical compulsion to always head straight for the keep that we were using as our base of operations. We first found out about this when our keep started to shake, and we looked out the window to see the tarrasque bearing down on us. We tried everything we could think of to turn it aside, but nothing was working. Finally I cast a Magic Jar on it. It rolled a 2 on its save, and I trapped its soul in a jar and replaced it with my own. So now I'm the tarrasque. Awesome! After devouring several of our enemies and wrecking a village of dwarves who had been giving us a hard time (now might be a good time to mention that we're a rather evil party), we decided that it was time for us to say goodbye to our new toy. But if I released the spell, the tarrasque would go right back to trying to eat our keep. No matter where in the world we took him, he would just keep coming back, unless we forced the Almourian mages who summoned him to undo whatever they did. So we polymorphed him into a rabbit (with me still possessing him), teleported to the capital of Almouria, and set him down on the side of the city opposite of where our keep was. I released the Magic Jar, Nadja released the polymorph, and Haas teleported us away. The Tarrasque immediately began to head back towards our keep, plowing straight through the middle of the city. The mages had no choice but to undo their compulsion and send it back to wherever it came from, and it never bothered us again.
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Go not to the Dragons for counsel, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Some friends and I had rolled up level 2 characters for a campaign (that ended up not happening, sigh) that we decided to "guest star" in another friend's campaign...which happened to be level 10+. Hmm.
Setup:
Spoiler
Important characters:
My Dwarf Druid
Kronk - Orcish axe guy, 20+ str and con, <4 int.
Jerkwad - Elf mage of some sort, Evil
"Shiny" - First time player, level 2 ranger with a chain shirt, earned nickname from Kronk
Others.
They had just finished killing a bunch of drow, and a dragon, and came back to the tavern to celebrate and shop when we joined them. Kronk and my dwarf had a friendly drinking contest...which I won with rolls of like 18, 17, 18 to his 3, 2, 3. So I was level 2 with ~5000 gold off of my 50-to-1 bet. Jerkwad promptly picked my pocket (Mage Hand I guess, he passed a note to the DM) before I could spend it.
Kronk also made friends with Shiny! But Shiny annoyed some unsavory types in the corner, who apparently were part of some thieves/assassin's guild. Jerkwad secretely approaches them to ask how much they'd pay him to deliver a tied-up Shiny to their doorstep. Remember this is Shiny's first time playing.
TLDR: Jerkwad is a teamrobbing teamkilling elf mage. Kronk is strong but not smart.
The payoff:
Spoiler
So, we leave town together to head to wherever their quest led (with Jerkwad looking for a good opportunity to secretely kidnap+teleport Shiny). A ways down the road we hear movement in the bushes.
Jerkwad: *leans close to Kronk* "Psst! Kronk. Throw something at those bushes."
Me: (instantly) "I STEP AWAY FROM KRONK."
*a second or two pass*
Every non-orc at the table: "I STEP AWAY FROM KRONK!"
Jerkwad: "-WAY FROM KRO-Iiii'm the last person to step away from Kronk aren't I?"
Kronk: "KRONK THROW SOMETHING!"
Jerkwad: "I MEANT A ROOOOooooccckkkk....."
At this point a grinning DM cracks his knuckles and picks up a stack of dice.
DM: "What's your AC?"
Jerkwad: *says a low number*
DM: *rolls dice* "And your fort save?"
Jerkwad: *says a lower number, voice cracking*
DM: *rolls dice* "Current health?"
Jerkwad: *says a number reached by d4s with a racial Con penalty*
DM: *rolls dice* K. In midair you are struck by 7 crossbow bolts. You're at -2 health, poisoned, paralyzed, and unconscious. And THEN you hit the ground..." *rolls more dice* "Wow, lookit those 1's. K you're now at -8. Next?"
When both of your groups (Dark Heresy and Black Crusade) can be described as cruise missiles - big, dumb, and really, really good at ruining somebody's day - the GM (me) doesn't even have to do anything to make it happen. The fact that they wanted me to use critical success/failure rules makes it all the better
"I'm the f***ing Bat-WHOOAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh..." *whump*
Spoiler
Dark Heresy, Rank 2 party. They've been invited into the Governor's Palace under the paper-thin disguise of travelling merchants. Why 'paper-thin', you ask? The highest Intelligence score in the party was somewhere around the low 30s*. Yeah. So they suspect the First Lady of heresy. In the middle of the night, they try to break into her study. After about half an hour in-game time, they decide they're not getting through the door with anything but a chainsword or a grenade. So off they go to the roof, where they're going to drop the Assassin down on a rope and have him go in through the window.
I ask him to roll Move Silently. He passes. I ask the party to roll Strength to hold onto the rope. They pass. I ask him to roll Acrobatics to drop onto the windowsill. He rolls a 98**. He spends a Fate Point to re-roll that. 97.
Our Ezio-wannabe falls facefirst into the Palace Gardens 12 metres below, dropping into Critical 2*** from the fall.
* - For comparison, Ballistic and Weapons Skills were uniformly around 40, and the Psykers' Willpowers were almost 50.
** - In 40kRP you want to roll low.
*** - In 40kRP, once all your Wounds are gone, you go into Critical Wounds.
"Roll for anal circumference."
Spoiler
This is the Black Crusade party's idea of a stealth mission.
They're picking up a package from a dead-drop on an Imperial World. The Renegade is set up in an abandoned apartment next to the park where the pickup is to be made, with his long-las ready and his drop line (for quick getaways) set up. The Psyker, cleverly disguised, is making the pickup. The Heretek...is hidden inside a vending machine nearby the park. Yes.
The Psyker makes the pickup, no problem. The Renegade is disappointed he didn't get to shoot anybody. They regroup next to the vending machine the Heretek is in. At this point, two Enforcers decide to stop by the vending machine for a snack. The same vending machine that's had its guts ripped out by the Heretek as he hides inside it.
One Enforcer, after a few frustrated kicks at it, goes off to complain to the building manager. The other one sticks his hand in to dig out a drink. Here's where the Heretek hands him a drink with a mechadendrite.
As the Enforcers, building manager, and a priest who happened to walk by are screaming about a corrupted machine spirit (the Renegade is carefully leaving at this point), the Heretek decides to fire a soda can out of the machine. Rolls. Gets a 1 (Critical Success).
"Nut-shot! Nut-shot! NUT-SHOT! NUT-SHOT!"
So one Enforcer goes down with a soda can to his package.
Things just escalated from there, with a Luminen Blast taking out the manager and severely injuring the priest and Enforcer, the Psyker using Fine Telekinesis to draw the symbol of Chaos in mid-air with the blood of the manager, and an "OH YEAH!!!" moment from the Heretek as he busts out of the vending machine.
Also, the Psyker uses Fine Telekinesis to Goatse the remaining Enforcer involuntarily.
End result: one blown-up vending machine, one very scorched and gibbering priest, one dead manager, one unconscious Enforcer who's never going to have children, and one Enforcer who's been ripped in two by the...well...
Chaotic Neutral Elven Rogue (Me)
The Paladin
Chaotic Neutral half-dragon half-elf optimized Sorcerer/Whatever-other-classes-he-took
Neutral Good Useless Cleric
Passing it on
Spoiler
King of Wherever-we-aren't-outlaws: Thank you for coming on such short notice! We had heard of your deeds...
Me: Whatever, where are we going?
King: You will be going ... *dramatic pause* ... into the depths of Hell itself!
Me: Uh-huh... and our reward for this would be...?
King: You will have the eternal gratitude of this-tiny-little-kingdom-worth-2gp.
Me: Group huddle.
Paladin: Surely we must undertake this most noble...
Sorcerer: We need the XP...
Cleric: The gratitude might be good for us...
Me: I have a much better idea. Watch.
Me: <rolls Bluff> Oh Great and Honorable King of this-place-with-relaxed-laws-on-murder-and-stealing-and-stuff, we accept your quest!
Outside the palace
Sorcerer: How is this any different from what we were going to do? And why were you rolling Bluff back there?
Me: I head to the tavern and look for an inexperienced group of adventurers.
GM: Okay, I guess...
Inexperienced Wizard: *casts Mage Hand* *spills ale on self*
Inexperienced Rogue: *tries to pickpocket someone* *gets hand chopped off*
Inexperienced Cleric: *tries to heal hand* *inflicts wounds*
Me (on table): Are there any brave and worthy adventurer's here, who might aid us in our time of need?
Inexperienced Adventurers: Us! Us!
Me: Then, please, accept our quest to journey into the pits of hell and ...
Inexperienced Adventurers: Okay! *rushes out door*
Paladin: What. Did. You. Just. Do.
Me: Well, you know how all those quest givers are always higher-level than us?
Paladin: ....
Me: Aaaand, you know how we don't really want to get ourselves mixed up in that sort of thing?
Paladin: ....
Me: So, I, you know, gave them a quest. Because I'm a quest giver now. And stuff.
Paladin: ....
Me: So..... Do we receive XP for delegating the quest, if they succeed?
GM: Yes, you would.
Me: "Would"?
GM: Well, they still have to succeed. And it's hard to succeed when you're dead.
Me: Ah.
Paladin: ....
Me: Well... Let's get going on that quest then, shall we?
Paladin: Smite. Evil.
Chaotic Neutral Elven Rogue (Me)
The Paladin
Chaotic Neutral half-dragon half-elf optimized Sorcerer/Whatever-other-classes-he-took
Neutral Good Useless Cleric
Passing it on
Spoiler
King of Wherever-we-aren't-outlaws: Thank you for coming on such short notice! We had heard of your deeds...
Me: Whatever, where are we going?
King: You will be going ... *dramatic pause* ... into the depths of Hell itself!
Me: Uh-huh... and our reward for this would be...?
King: You will have the eternal gratitude of this-tiny-little-kingdom-worth-2gp.
Me: Group huddle.
Paladin: Surely we must undertake this most noble...
Sorcerer: We need the XP...
Cleric: The gratitude might be good for us...
Me: I have a much better idea. Watch.
Me: <rolls Bluff> Oh Great and Honorable King of this-place-with-relaxed-laws-on-murder-and-stealing-and-stuff, we accept your quest!
Outside the palace
Sorcerer: How is this any different from what we were going to do? And why were you rolling Bluff back there?
Me: I head to the tavern and look for an inexperienced group of adventurers.
GM: Okay, I guess...
Inexperienced Wizard: *casts Mage Hand* *spills ale on self*
Inexperienced Rogue: *tries to pickpocket someone* *gets hand chopped off*
Inexperienced Cleric: *tries to heal hand* *inflicts wounds*
Me (on table): Are there any brave and worthy adventurer's here, who might aid us in our time of need?
Inexperienced Adventurers: Us! Us!
Me: Then, please, accept our quest to journey into the pits of hell and ...
Inexperienced Adventurers: Okay! *rushes out door*
Paladin: What. Did. You. Just. Do.
Me: Well, you know how all those quest givers are always higher-level than us?
Paladin: ....
Me: Aaaand, you know how we don't really want to get ourselves mixed up in that sort of thing?
Paladin: ....
Me: So, I, you know, gave them a quest. Because I'm a quest giver now. And stuff.
Paladin: ....
Me: So..... Do we receive XP for delegating the quest, if they succeed?
GM: Yes, you would.
Me: "Would"?
GM: Well, they still have to succeed. And it's hard to succeed when you're dead.
Me: Ah.
Paladin: ....
Me: Well... Let's get going on that quest then, shall we?
Paladin: Smite. Evil.
That is truly EPIC! Why haven't any other groups ever pulled this?
And the paladin at the end, Yes, that is the best reaction!
Btw, did the novices succeed? Did the Sorcerer survive the Paladin?
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If there is anything I learned from D&D, it is to never bull rush a Gelatenous Cube.
That is truly EPIC! Why haven't any other groups ever pulled this?
And the paladin at the end, Yes, that is the best reaction!
Btw, did the novices succeed? Did the Sorcerer survive the Paladin?
Ehm... The novices died. Very quickly, apparently. Also, that would be me, the rogue, who got smittensmitedsmote attacked by the paladin.
Last Sunday was the second session of my first ever PnP game. I am completely hooked, and now that I've gotten my first-game jitters out of the way I've begun to get into roleplay. I got some... interesting results.
I don't write very often, here's hoping this is fairly readable.
Spoiler
The game is DnD 3.5, Kingdoms of Kalamar setting, a 1st level homebrew campaign in a rather harsh desert called the Khydoban.
The party has reached an oasis and are refilling supplies, gathering information, et cetera. It seems to be a typical rest-stop when our drow barbarian, understandably, starts getting funny looks from the locals. He tries to cover up his face, but that only makes them more suspicious. Things start to get interesting when a young man approaches him, telling his friend that he's got a scimitar he'd like to test out. I'm not exactly best buddies with the drow, but I don't want him attracting too much attention to us, so I start bluffing the young'uns into leaving him alone. That's when Mr. Scimitar makes a mistake He (we'll call him Jerkface) says to his buddy, "Hey, why is this woman telling us what to do?"
Well, I'm a CN brigand, a rather proud one at that, and I don't appreciate that one bit. Keeping a low profile gets put on the back burner, and I threaten to cut his tongue out. He doesn't appreciate that one bit. He draws his scimitar, and I eagerly do the same, egging him on. Soon the entire camp has gathered around us in excitement, chanting and placing bets... including our ill-tempered NPC dwarven cartographer, who I've been having a bit of a rivalry with
Combat begins (subdual damage w/ the flat of the blade), I'm anticipating a lengthy, pitched sword fight... and it lasts one round.
Jerkface goes first, misses... I hit him for a double critical.
Damage: 4, 4, 6, 6.
Nobody bothers to tally it up against his HP. Evidently he insulted the wrong Dejy woman, as his eyes cross and he flops to the ground, knocked out cold.
The crowd goes wild (in-game and out), the drow is forgotten, and the dwarf wins 400 GP in bets. The cleric checks to see if jerkface is still breathing.
The camp loves me to bits now. What was going to be a marriage celebration is re-purposed, and everyone gets blasted. The other party members get to gathering more information, they'll tell us just about *anything* at this point. I mostly just get drunk and dance on tables.
This however, was not to be the end of the excitement. A drunken man attempts to pickpocket our cleric, and he decides the best response is to punch the pickpocket in the face. I decide that this is an excellent idea. Cue bar-room (tent room?) brawl Even the old man we spoke to earlier is whacking people with his cane, I end up slapping the chieftain's daughter and punching out her husband. By the time morning comes, half the camp is unconscious from drink or blunt force. We figure that it would be a good idea to leave before they wake up... and so ended my second ever session of DnD.
No new stories from me yet; still trying to think of more good ones (most of the stories that seemed to start as "wouldn't it be funny if..." frequently ended in TPK with my groups).
A lot of the other things on here are hilarious though; that "EEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!" has had me walking around with a huge grin plastered to my face all week.
And the story about tripping a storm-cloud had gotten me thinking that maybe elementals and a few other creatures that aren't exactly incorporeal should have a special property (called "amorphous" or something like that) that makes them either impossible or just epically-difficult to trip, grapple, etc. I'm thinking, is it even be possible to "trip" a gelatinous cube? It's basically exactly the same on every side, and it's mindless; how would it know it's been tripped?
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"A man is known by the company he organizes." -Ambrose Bierce
Story in another thread, involves my playgroup though I am not witness to it. Worth a read though. The story is ongoing, and kind of keeps getting derpy-er by the day. Props to Acanous for this one.
Part 1 http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showp...7&postcount=17
Player 1: *teabagging a cactus* "I'm so, so sorry. I'm just... I'm sorry."
Player 2: Hey, I'm a lot like a valiant warrior of old.
Dwarf: You?
Player 1: I like the disdain you managed to put into that.
Me: You're going to be thanking fake Napoleon Zombie after this aren't you.
Player 2: I'm definitely thanking fake Napoleon Zombie after this.
Me: Yeah, the Jack Frost is back from his vacation to Berlin. He's got an 80s American cop mustache, a United States' airforce jacket, and aviators.
Player 1: He never made it to Berlin did he.
Me: You'll never know.
Player 2: They let him in the air force. Oh gods.
Me: They even let him take the nickname Ice-Man.
Player 1: We're just gonna call him Guile-Frost.
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Me: I'd get the paladin to help, but we might end up with a kid that believes in fairy tales.
DM: aye, and it's not like she's been saved by a mysterious little girl and a band of real live puppets from a bad man and worse step-sister to go live with the faries in the happy land.
Me: Yeah, a knight in shining armour might just bring her over the edge.
Okay, this didn't actually happen, but I have a hypothetical plot outline to tell everyone.
A nation composed largely of gold dragons has been angered by a copper dragon appearing to pull a prank that went just a bit to far (You can decide the details yourself). That copper dragon was a princess in another nation, this one mostly made of copper dragons like her. The gold dragons' own princess seems to be hallucinating all the time, and attacking everyone in her parents' castle. The (currently undefined) prank has caused a war to break out between these draconic countries, when they should be making sure the nearby empire of red dragons doesn't extend its grasp over the whole world (it's trying). Although the players won't know this at first, the red emperor has a daughter that is a very powerful illusionist. Said daughter will, of course, be the bbeg.
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Centaur avatar made by Akrim_elf. Thanks!
One of the Jedi in our group is carrying around a hollowed out Reek carcass. A reek is essentially a rhino(its in Episode 2 trying to trample Anakin and Padme). So far he has just been shooting blaster rounds out of it's eye sockets and mouth.
Don't know why he is doing this, but hey we get a lot of jokes about how it reeks in here.
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Haggis is Sheep's stomach filled with its intestines.
One of the Jedi in our group is carrying around a hollowed out Reek carcass. A reek is essentially a rhino(its in Episode 2 trying to trample Anakin and Padme). So far he has just been shooting blaster rounds out of it's eye sockets and mouth.
Don't know why he is doing this, but hey we get a lot of jokes about how it reeks in here.
If he's anything like me, he probably wants to zombify it and build his base in there.
Call of Cthulhu Campaign: Masks of Nyarlathotep (Spoilers of campaign included, read further at your own peril)
The Cast: (some names have slipped my memory, years having past since this game)
Professor Hans Zarkov, Eccentric scientist (Yes, he was a based on the character from flash gorden)
Arthur Hobbs, champion Cricket player
Father Edward, Catholic Priest
Several others who's names have been lost to the depths of my memory.
The mindswitch
Spoiler
The players have uncovered the identy of a leader of the cultist in egypt and invaded his home, using their twin powers of firearms and arson they have succeeded in destroying most of the information they were seeking but found and engaged the enemy in combat.
The players won and walked away with a map of the pyramids but didn't realise that before he died the high cultist swapped minds with their priest. The player of the priest is one of the most delicously malevolent people I know, so I left him in complete charge of the high cultist.
As the group investigated the tunnels under the pyramid the high cultist struck, causing the party to be split into two halves each blundering into his pre-prepared traps.
One PC had a camel dropped on him (he dodged though, I was sad)
Two PC's fell into a pit and ended up in a cage, one of them was Arthur Hobbs.
Various and sundry other attacks on other PC's.
By this point the other players have figured out that the high cultist is the priest as he's not with either group and there is a huge volume of secret notes going back and forth.
(Note from High cultist to me: Have a cultist thrust a stick of dynamite into Hobbs's trousers)
Cue Bumbling around by Hobbs trying to retrieve the dynamite...
...
...
Finaly he retrieves it and notices that it wasn't lit.
(the note never specified lighting the dynamite first)
High cultist curses the quality of minions, entire group bursts into laughter, TPK avoided as Hobbs uses dynamite to escape / help group get back together.
The Ebon Throne
Spoiler
You see a large Ebon throne, scaled larger than human size, surrounded by..
"I sit on the throne"
"you what"
"the Throne, I sit on the Throne"
"can I finish the room description?"
"sure, go ahead, I'll be here, sitting on the Throne"
"...... Fine"
"... blah, blah blah, end of room description, As you sit on the throne you feel a surge of energy fill you and pass through you, Your body spasms a bit and then is possessed by a much stronger force, your entire form changes to that of a 10' tall, strikingly handsome man who address the rest of the party..."
.... Much ado occurs and afterwards...
"so what happens to me?"
"... hang on, it's here somewhere.... ah yes... Your twitching blackened corpse falls to the ground."
The Adventure isn't wriiten with my group in mind
Spoiler
And in a crate the party will find a strange item that none of them will recognise, there are various things that it could be but none of the PC's will be able to correctly identify this booster rocket for a satellite as this is far in advance of any known earthly technology...
Yeah right, here's Professor Hans Zarkov, who has spent the entire campaign looking at every unusual item encountered and tried to conceive of a way that it could be converted to make a space ship and he's not going to recognize a rocket booster when he sees one? He barely had to roll for it, not that anyone else in the party believed him of course, but thats a different matter.
Tried to intimidate another PC, who actually invested points in intimidate (whereas I didn't, incurring a penalty). His character was also nearly twice mine's size.
Failed miserably and my character nearly wet himself from the other PC's glare alone.
Ended up saving his life later after his leg got blown off. Go figure.
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Re: More Funny D&D Stories
"We're the Gander Mountain Rangers." The name stuck
fan club.
Jerkwad promptly picked my pocket (Mage Hand I guess, he passed a note to the DM) before I could spend it. 
Okay, I guess...
He (we'll call him Jerkface) says to his buddy, "Hey, why is this woman telling us what to do?"
