"Boy, howdy, wouldja look at that... hey, Jerry! Yeah, Jerry! Git in 'ere! Look at the size o' that thing! Look, it oozes green stuff when I poke it! Jiggle, Jiggle, Jiggle... You wanna bet we can sell it to someone?"
"Everything I see is total, unblemished reality...Except for the flying carrots. Those are probably fake." ~The Good and Potent Trixi
"Do you like motorized death vehicles? Do you often find yourself wanting to ride a Harley? do you feel that you need to make more attention for yourself? Do you not like to wear your brain bucket*? Then we have the perfect product for you. The motor-unicycle! It has all of the fun of a motorcycle, all the fun of a circus, and all of the balance of a fat man on a two inch wide beam that is not properly stable. It's incredibly hard to drive! it's incredibly easy to crash, and only our well trained mechanics know how to fix what's wrong with it!** now call the number at the bottom of your screen, and we will get you your motorized-unicycle in no time!**
*= The term 'brain bucket' refers to a helmet.
**= Not guaranteed.
"Do you find yourself being bothered by unwanted guests? Do you long for piece and quiet without a group of adventurers banging on your door, waiting to drag you off on a suicide mission against a ginormous dragon?
Then my friend, you want Dwarf-Be-Gone. This elegant device is crafted from the finest elvish steel, with high quality tensile springs. Simply place Dwarf-Be-Gone on your doorstep and use the enclosed packet of leaves to hide its presence. The next time an unwanted visitor shows up on your doorstep, the mithril coated razor sharp teeth will ensure further visits are no longer an issue! No sir, this not your average bear trap - this is Dwarf-Be-Gone!"
Device may cause irreperable damage to the feet, lower legs, knees, thighs or genitalia depending on the height of the dwarf. Further packets of leaves are available at $100 each. If device is ingested please consult a funeral director. The manufacturers of Dwarf-Be-Gone accept no liability for harm, damage or invasions by the Dwarves of the Iron Hills caused as a result of utilising the device. Always read the label.
Originally Posted by Dallas-Dakota
Succubus gets grongratulatory cookies from me. You have stepped into the realm of puns that only the likes of Death, Your Friend the Reaper have seen.
Last edited by The Succubus : 09-21-2012 at 10:19 AM.
[deep bass announcer voice]
In a world full of darkness, the horde is everywhere. As your friends are dragged off into the darkness and slain one by one, kicking and screaming as they are torn to pieces, you are going to wish you had... [/announcer voice]
This double-barreled, 12-gauge Remington Shotgun! With its walnut stock, blue cobalt steel, and hair trigger, any member of the Undead Horde will be running in terror! Or more likely, dead at your feet!
Now available at S-Mart.
Model not available in all stores. Please check your store for availability, and remember: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart. You got that?!
Co-Founder of LUTAS. For all the less than useful Superheroes out there.
Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar.
Tired of that stubborn belly fat? Now there's an all natural solution to lose wait and keep it off. It's called AIDS! AIDS was used successfully by many celebrities including Rock Hudson, Freddie Mercury, and Arthur Ashe. Side effects may include fever, swollen lymph nodes, infection, cancer, and death.
Have a holly jolly Christmas (or whatever you might celebrate this season), and please forgive the occasional late post while I cook and eat way too much food and drink more than I usually do.
Old avatars: Count Strahd von Zarovich by Matthias2207, Mirielle Greyhome by Akrim.elf, Rook by Kymme, and Adele Blancheart by Ceika.
Greenman by Bradakhan/Autumn Greenman by Sgt. Pepper/Winter Greenman by gurgleflep
Last edited by Jeff the Green : 09-24-2012 at 04:49 PM.
"So you were wondering what to do with your life, and didn't get any meaning to it, right, RIGHT? Well now there's this product exclusively made for you and no-one else! Why buy it? Because it's nice and easy, and fun to do! You know you want to, you know you do, so buy it now! Damnit Jimmy, I'm running out of phrases! What was the name of the product?
And if you buy it now, you'll get another one for the same price!
Buy your what was that? we sell unholy books? original by the devil signed books of dark mystery wait, a holy cow? with your holy cow!"