Hillariously Stupid Non-Monster Things from D&D

[Korivan]

The one that comes most to mind is actually from 2nd edition.

Haste. Doubles your speed and attacks per round and -2 initative. Not bad for a tanker, not bad at all. However, it ages you a year. So lets say haste lasts 10 rounds (round=minute in 2nd). You experience 20 minutes of life, and age a year..... a whole year, for a few more minutes. And that's not the worst part. In the DMG, any time you rapidly age a year (or rapidly age at all I think), you have to make a system shock or die.

Yes, you can die from haste, you can die from a buff. No, I'm not lying.

[Kaww]

Originally Posted by hiryuu

There are high level casters in Eberron. Most of them are just evil. Or dead. *cough*MordaintheFleshweaver*cough*

There certainly are, I just don't see them spending their days forging rings for the adventurers of the world. Forge Ring feat has a CL 12 requirement.

Originally Posted by hiryuu

And the average soldier is a level 2 warrior. NPCs do not get to use the XP chart that PCs use. What's your point?

I don't know what those mid level characters (such as some of the nobles lvl 7 - rogues, aristocrats etc. that never left their home) did at home if fighting a war gave three PC class levels to a general. IRK it was a lvl 4 paladin running a floating fortress somewhere.

Also evil NPCs (the PCs are supposed to fight) are still NPCs, do they get xp from the same chart? If so they probably had to kill entire civilizations by themselves to get to be lvl 10.

Originally Posted by tuggyne

You would be right, except that it's listed in a different section from the prerequisites, separated by a semicolon.

Open Eberron campaign setting for 3.5 there are no semicolons, it's right next to the price and required feats.

[Reluctance]

Originally Posted by Korivan

The one that comes most to mind is actually from 2nd edition.

...

Yes, you can die from haste, you can die from a buff. No, I'm not lying.

It's AD&D. Also the edition most of the stupid monsters came from. You candie from just about anything.

[Jeff the Green]

Originally Posted by Korivan

Yes, you can die from haste, you can die from a buff. No, I'm not lying.

You mean like amphetamines?

[Celisasu]

2E is the home of 90% of crazy stupid awesome ****. I mean what other edition has a wizard visit a strange land where if you put a silver coin into a red box with weird lettering apparently named "Cola", it'll hand you a can filled with a magical black fizzy delicious concoction? And then return to his world, create a simulacrum of said thing...and the simulacrum is evil? And will either poison you or give you acne depending on it's mood if you buy one of it's drinks?

[tuggyne]

Originally Posted by Kaww

Open Eberron campaign setting for 3.5 there are no semicolons, it's right next to the price and required feats.

Hmm, that's very strange, and seems non-standard.

[hewhosaysfish]

Originally Posted by hiryuu

There are high level casters in Eberron. Most of them are just evil. Or dead. *cough*MordaintheFleshweaver*cough*

Originally Posted by Kaww

There certainly are, I just don't see them spending their days forging rings for the adventurers of the world. Forge Ring feat has a CL 12 requirement.

Of course the evil high-level casters of the world spend all their time forging magical rings for adventurers. They're obviously planning to later create one all -powerful ring to turn all those luckless adventurers into wraith lieutenants for when they take over the world.

[tbok1992]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

Racism IRL is born of ignorance of the fact that human beings are all basically the same.

Racism in fantasy is based in the knowledge that there are some "races" of people, though species would be more accurate, that are naturally inclined to try and kill you because it sounds like fun.

Fantasy racism has a little more validity than its RL counterpart, and is thus less disturbing, IMO.

To quote a webcomic, "If I was going to be racist, I'd pick the race that was most likely to tear out my spine, for the fun of it, too."

Btw, "machete of 'die whitey, die,'" made me snort with laughter. I'm caucasian and inclined toward dark humor.

Actually, since a lot of the "evil" races, even including such vile savages as gnolls, have shown capacity for free will and even goodness, I'd attribute the racial "evil" of them to:

A) Being born into and growing up in broken and deranged societies that reward various degrees of cruelty, maliciousness and evil and attempt to squash anyone who doesn't fit that mold.

B) having very real and very malevolent patron gods who throw around their power and ensure the higher ups in said malevolent civilization have some of said power if they act according to the god's personal whims to ensure the broken society stays essentially the same.

C)Having the other civilized races hunt your kind down due to the atrocities committed due to A) and B) molding your race into a bunch of neurotic murderers, thus showing any who would stray from the "path" that it'd be safer to stay in the broken society rather than go "Out there" to a world that hates them.

Anybody else agree with that theory?

[Erik Vale]

*Raises hand*

[Jay R]

The entire racism / evil sub-thread here comes from the most hilariously stupid concept in D&D:

The alignment system.

The easiest way to see how ridiculous it is is to realize that it assumes some sentient beings are evil (or good), totally independent of their actions or thoughts.

No magic bagpipe or mummified hand can compete with that idea for stupidity.

[The Glyphstone]

On that line of thought, non-lawful Bards. Because only rebels can be free-thinkers with actual creative spirit, unthinking slaves to the oppressive hand of the Man can't.

[Lord_Gareth]

I do believe that the king of 'hilariously stupid' would be Bear Bearington the Bearbearian, Lord of all Bears.

He's an anthropomorphic bear werebear bear totem barbarian bear lord bear warrior. He took Leadership to pick up a Sentinel of Brharri (Bear Mage) as a cohort, as well as some bear followers. So he's a bear that gets so angry that he turns into a bear that turns into a bear, commands bears, rides bears, and has a bear mage serving him who (I. Kid. You. Not.) has an ability named summon bear cavalry.

This. Will. Get. Grizzly.

[tbok1992]

Originally Posted by The Glyphstone

On that line of thought, non-lawful Bards. Because only rebels can be free-thinkers with actual creative spirit, unthinking slaves to the oppressive hand of the Man can't.

Speaking of stupid Bard related things, there's this board's own Pervirtuoso build, which uses the Perform [Sexual] skill from The Book of Erotic Fantasy combined with a Prestige Class that allows you to use any Perform skill for bardic abilities, combined with wanton abuse of a familiar to make the most wrong Bard build ever.

[Talanic]

Okay. Stupid non-monster things from D&D.

As a fan of real heroes, I have to nominate the Paladin class, as written / confined by the rules of the game.

I think we all know the problems with the class. Class features that restrict the behavior of the other players. No allowances for innocent mistakes. Prevention of actual good behavior (like showing mercy - oops! You tied him up and tried to reform him; that means you just associated with an evil creature.)

The Paladin often winds up being played like some kind of xenophobic sociopath - exactly the opposite of the noble, self-sacrificing warrior that he's supposed to be.

[navar100]

The infamous Orb spells of 3E have an ancestor in 2E called Chromatic Orb from the Wizard's Handbook. It was a 1st level spell that created a colored orb doing some damage. As you gained levels the color would change and the damage would increase or even change in severity of harm. You could choose which ever color/effect you want you were able to cast. Eventually you would be able to cast a Black Chromatic Orb of Death. Save or die. In 2E a wizard could cast a 1st level save or die spell. Not save or suck, save or die.

[hiryuu]

Originally Posted by Kaww

There certainly are, I just don't see them spending their days forging rings for the adventurers of the world. Forge Ring feat has a CL 12 requirement.

Oh, that. You know the entire world was once an empire ruled by demons that enslaved dragons that lasted form millions of years, right? Or that the continent was once ruled by a magical kingdom of goblins? Little things like that. There's probably more rings lying in wait out there than there is gold to mine.

I don't know what those mid level characters (such as some of the nobles lvl 7 - rogues, aristocrats etc. that never left their home) did at home if fighting a war gave three PC class levels to a general. IRK it was a lvl 4 paladin running a floating fortress somewhere.

Also evil NPCs (the PCs are supposed to fight) are still NPCs, do they get xp from the same chart? If so they probably had to kill entire civilizations by themselves to get to be lvl 10.

NPCs do not level the way PCs do. They have exactly the levels they need to do what they do. No more, no less. Yes, it's meta, but that way you don't run into, say, tippy.

[Nepenthe]

There's an official, published source for water wings. Just imagine that half-orc barbarian doggie-paddling across a river in floaties.

[Arbane]

Originally Posted by Slipperychicken

Unless, of course, you're playing a Crazy Awesome campaign and are getting mobbed by hippo swarms.

Considering how small creatures have to be to qualify as a Swarm, you'd have to be playing Colossal-sized creatures.

Which would be rather awesome.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Nepenthe

There's an official, published source for water wings. Just imagine that half-orc barbarian doggie-paddling across a river in floaties.

the sad part is, they are some of the most useful magical item in the game, after all, most characters are going to have the inherent flaw "Water Soluability".

Asto Bagpipes: Of course it only gives a bonus to the dead, only those with Perform (Bagpipes) can survive the sound.

Asto Blessed by Tem-Et-Nu:

Yep, complete poop. Some Turn/Rebuke varients are Absurdly powerful because of how Extra Turning affects all turns you get simultaineously. This only adds slightly more options to turn undead without actually improving it (IE: more charges)

[Mahonri Violist]

Originally Posted by The Glyphstone

On that line of thought, non-lawful Bards. Because only rebels can be free-thinkers with actual creative spirit, unthinking slaves to the oppressive hand of the Man can't.

It's because the government outlawed art and music. That's the most real excuse. Anyone caught singing, playing the violin, painting, drawing, or anything of the sort is to be cast into jail forever.

That's why all the Bards are non-lawful.

[navar100]

2E's Priest's Handbook offered specialty priests kits for clerics. They were based on various themes and used the spell spheres to determine which spells a priest had access in addition to a couple of class abilities. A priest would have major or minor access to a sphere. Major access meant the priest would eventually get all spells, capping at 7th level in 2E. Minor access meant you only get up to third level spells.

1) The Cure Wounds spells were in Healing sphere. Not every priest got access to Healing, so there exists clerics who did not heal. Not "stupid" per se, but for 2E that was a big deal of a disadvantage. I learned that from experience playing a cleric of Justice/Revenge. Even the DM saw how harmful it was in play and agreed to allow me Healing sphere.

2) The priest of Guardian only had minor access to the Guardian sphere.

3) I don't remember which priest kit, but I know there was one that had minor access to Summoning sphere. There were no spells in Summoning of less than 4th level. (2E's Tome of Magic had a few, but Priest's Handbook was published before it so it only took into account PHB spells of which no Summoning spell below 4th level existed.)

[Doorhandle]

Originally Posted by Arbane

Considering how small creatures have to be to qualify as a Swarm, you'd have to be playing Colossal-sized creatures.

Which would be rather awesome.

...Gonna have to put that on on the backburner, along with the "Sky whaling" and "masters of the angry fist" ideas I have...

Originally Posted by tbok1992

Actually, since a lot of the "evil" races, even including such vile savages as gnolls, have shown capacity for free will and even goodness, I'd attribute the racial "evil" of them to:

A) Being born into and growing up in broken and deranged societies that reward various degrees of cruelty, maliciousness and evil and attempt to squash anyone who doesn't fit that mold.

B) having very real and very malevolent patron gods who throw around their power and ensure the higher ups in said malevolent civilization have some of said power if they act according to the god's personal whims to ensure the broken society stays essentially the same.

C)Having the other civilized races hunt your kind down due to the atrocities committed due to A) and B) molding your race into a bunch of neurotic murderers, thus showing any who would stray from the "path" that it'd be safer to stay in the broken society rather than go "Out there" to a world that hates them.

Anybody else agree with that theory?

Yes, Except in the case of evil outsiders. Then it's because they are literally made of evil/selfishness/crazy ect.

[pffh]

Originally Posted by Doorhandle

...Gonna have to put that on on the backburner, along with the "Sky whaling" and "masters of the angry fist" ideas I have...

For sky whaling there are the Soarwhales in the Arms and Equipment guide.

[Slipperychicken]

Originally Posted by Arbane

Considering how small creatures have to be to qualify as a Swarm, you'd have to be playing Colossal-sized creatures.

Which would be rather awesome.

By "swarm" I meant in the sense of "huge numbers". The DMGII Mob template would be far more appropriate for emulating a hippo stampede.


Hippopotamus Mobs ruin people in a Grapple. CR8, +41 grapple mod, automatically deals 5d6 to any creature whose space it occupies. Good luck breaking out of that at without magic.

[Jay R]

The most ridiculous published addition was Elves in Space Spelljammer. And yes, it had mobs of (intelligent) hippos.

[Shred-Bot]

Originally Posted by Mahonri Violist

It's because the government outlawed art and music. That's the most real excuse. Anyone caught singing, playing the violin, painting, drawing, or anything of the sort is to be cast into jail forever.

That's why all the Bards are non-lawful.

So... all D&D campaigns take place in the town from Footloose?

Actually a Footloose-style subplot could be a fun way to screw with your players between real plot arcs.

[tbok1992]

Originally Posted by Jay R

The most ridiculous published addition was Elves in Space Spelljammer. And yes, it had mobs of (intelligent) hippos.

You shut your mouth about Spelljammer. I'm still angry about the fact that boring ol' Neverwinter was the last setting to come out for 4e instead of Spelljammer, which I will say to my grave was one of the most creative things D&D ever did. Though I am appreciative about the Epic Destiny in Heroes of the Elemental Chaos that allows you to become a Regiar.

[Wraith]

Originally Posted by Rallicus

Trying to imagine someone adventuring with a lobbed off, mummified hand around their neck so they can lift 5 pound objects with their mind just seems bizarre.

This is the sort of magic item that I adore owning in my games. Especially if you're being sneaky and try to push the GM's definition of 'item' a little.

For example: The human brain weighs about 3 pounds.

*SCHLORP!!!*

[toapat]

Originally Posted by tbok1992

You shut your mouth about Spelljammer. I'm still angry about the fact that boring ol' Neverwinter was the last setting to come out for 4e instead of Spelljammer, which I will say to my grave was one of the most creative things D&D ever did. Though I am appreciative about the Epic Destiny in Heroes of the Elemental Chaos that allows you to become a Regiar.

there is a Spelljammer sourcebook for 4th. there isnt one for 3.5

[tbok1992]

I thought that was (sort of) the opposite. While Spelljammers themselves got statted out in 4e's Manual of the Planes, and there were a few references here and there to the line (Including the Neogi in the Monster Manual 2 and the aforementioned Regiar Epic Destiny), they didn't actually give it the full setting treatment. Whereas in 3e at least it got an updated version in Dragon magazine.