Anyone want to critique a comic script?

[JoshL]

So: I'm a composer. Worked with a director who also does comics. He really wants to collaborate again, but he has no budget right now (getting something together for a Cronenberg-style body horror script that is pretty awesome). So he asked me to write a comic for him to illustrate. The plan is to publish webcomic, but present in comic book style (pacing, format, etc). I'm good with concepts and general story arcs, but I'm not really a writer (other than songs), so I recognize my own weaknesses.

Anyway, I have a first (very rough) draft of the first "issue" (arc-ing 32 pages, which is a little long for a print issue, but too short for a double issue). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. You can read it here: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B8-...UJTNE0xcm1QbFE

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read, and I appreciate any feedback/advice you can pass along!

[Cuthalion]

I really, really, like it, though I'm not sure what's with the blurred out pages. It's excellent. I might leave a few more details to the artist in a few places, but apart from that, nice job!

[leakingpen]

From a story editor perspective, you have my interest in the first page, and by page three, I'm hooked. I really hope you guys make this! The tie in of I wish I could do something between characters is great, I love that kind of effect.

The captioning gets a bit much with eileen. I think you might want to turn some of that into dialogue of talking to herself.

Is the shadowy forms captioning supposed to have I always lower cased?
Also, as much as you are using captioning as internal thoughts, you might want to move from a standard caption box to a "thought box" with unique font and or color for each person?

But, you have my interest, I like the world, I like Jake. Eileens a bit flaky, but that seems to be on purpose, and I like the idea of her and Jake teaming up. This is good stuff!

Now, on the copy editor side.

2.2 dialogue, Caption: He’s the sort that of
person you could see a thousand
times and never notice. Always on
the fringes, but always around.

that and of in the first line are swapped.

2.3 dialogue Two days ago I got wind
of girl gone missing.

of a?

2.5 dialogue, repetition of Caught him and caught up to him is kinda jarring. I'd reword that.