Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Erik Vale]

*My Warlock may not have more options available to him then a wizard.
**Or have more spells than a wizard.
***Homebrew has been destroyed.
****A new player has been voted the party Wizard.
*****I nolonger have access to UMD or Magic.
******No matter whatever role play I perform in game.
*******No more extraordinary abilities.
********My leadership rights have been banned, It will take a year and a day of good roleplay to regain them.
*********I will not point out that I am the only one that has and does use it responsibly.
**********I am now a permanent level 1 commoner follower of a randomly detirmined party member.

[Morithias]

Originally Posted by Erik Vale

**********I am now a permanent level 1 commoner follower of a randomly detirmined party member.

*********** No more chicken infested.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Morithias

*********** No more chicken infested.

************I am now forced to take levels in the UA generic Spellcaster class.
*************Said spellcaster can not have a mental score above 3

[Arcanist]

Originally Posted by toapat

************I am now forced to take levels in the UA generic Spellcaster class.
*************Said spellcaster can not have a mental score above 3

**************Said Spellcaster cannot be a Venerable Dragonwrought Kobold
***************A Stat increasing item is out of the question
****************Asking for a Book to increase stats is just flat out No

*I may not Wish to re-roll my stats, despite clearly being able to do so at the start of the game

[Balmas]

*In every town, there is a town guard.
**In ever town guard, there is at least one epic level druid, one epic level wizard, and one epic level barbarian equipped with an antimagic sphere.
***I will remember that the next time I go on a maniacal rampage through the center of town.

[Techwarrior]

I may not have a Contingent Resurrection set on the BBEG to raise him two days after death.
Especially if it would be in character.

[Rockphed]

Originally Posted by Doxkid

*It should not contain Mary either.
*****The Healer who wields bananas should not do more damage per round than the rest of the party combined.

****** If the party is fighting undead he is only allowed to match the rest of the party.

Originally Posted by Incom

*The paladin in obvious holy armor may not attempt to bluff his way through the guards guarding the demon summoning

** He especially cannot bluff his way past the guards by claiming to be a seller of holy books.
*** He cannot aggressively try to convince the guards he is lying by purposefully failing bluff checks while speaking the truth.
** When he finally gets to the summoning just as a demon arrives, he is not allowed to try converting it to his religion.
*** Attempts to convert the cultists are also forbidden.

[Jane_Smith]

* The Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Sorceress with 3 Fiendish Heritage feats should not be better at doing good acts then the Lawful Good Aasimar Paladin.

** That paladin should also not get to keep his abilities after deciding to keep a mans severed leg as a improvised club and using it as a tool to intimidate a surrendered enemy.

*** OR when the paladin breaks a promise to allow the man to live and shoots him in the back of the head as he attempts to escape, and then keeps his arm so he can duel wield human limbs.

**** Yes, the tiefling is allowed to kill the paladin at this point and become Chaotic Good.



* One may not begin a match of league of legends, highlander, as urgot with a dorans ring and be considered serious.

** They may also not complain how there lane opponent, shaco, has been so nerfed and is completely useless and boast how easily they will win there lane.

*** They may not later begin to complain how overpowered shaco is after going 0/11 against that shaco, thats ap, while stacking armor and dorans blades.

**** They will be reported even if it was a premade 3v3 when they act like a jerk and ragequit.

***** And yes, it does make you seem more stupid, not less, when you claim you have had 32 beers that day and you were not playing at your full capacity.

[Ksheep]

* I may not cast a Permanenced Contingency Maximized Empowered Fireball to go off on my location when I die.
** I may not do this multiple times, with the area where the fireballs are to be fired staggered to cover all spots within a 800 foot radius of my body.
*** I may not proceed to teleport myself into the center of the enemy stronghold while completely unarmored shortly after slitting my own wrists.
**** I may not then complain when half the enemies survived because they are rogues.

[LordDeathkeeper]

*My familiar can't make Diplomacy checks by looking cute to make up for when I roll a 2 on Diplomacy
**Even if he rolls a natural 20 when the DC is only 10
***He may also not make heal checks by beating the person's chest with his wings
*If the dwarf rolls a Fortitude save to stay conscious during a drinking contest and rolls two natural 20s in a row, he may not tell everyone he's the chosen hero of Cayden Cailean.
**Even if he beat a cloud giant in said drinking contest
*the verbal components of Holy Smite are not screaming Holy Smite! as loud as possible.
*The command phrase for Ring of the Ram is not "fus ro dah"

[Sith_Happens]

Originally Posted by The Second

If, while my bard is 'entertaining' the dukes consort, the duke enters the room, he WILL autofail all of his diplomacy checks.

The duke also gets a +20 circumstance bonus to his will saves versus my Suggestions.

I WILL accept the fact that I am royally screwed, pun intended.

* I may not attempt to get out of this situation by becoming even more royally screwed, pun intended.
** "What, aren't you into that kind of thing?" is not a valid Suggestion.

[Blightedmarsh]

*There is no Badass PrC
**Even if there where I may not take a level in it
**I can not make a stunning fit attack refluffed as a headbutt
**Chuck Noris is not a valid animal companion
**It dose not allow me to duel wield bladed numchucks
***there is no such thing as bladed numchucks

**It does not grant favored enemy (people who annoy me)
***Favored enemy (the world) Is right out.

**It does not grant summon (The pain) As a spell like ability
**Nor does it grant polymorph self (Ninja Dent) as its capstone ability.

[Socratov]

*I may not play an awakened worm with way too much WBL and Perform(Sarcasm), Perform(one-liner), Profession(Worm of fortune) or Knowledge(Irony)
**neither may I ever have ranks in UMD
*No there is no Holy handgrenade
**No there is no Relic of Antioch
***I shalt not count to 3
**No I may not craft one
***Even if I do, which i obviously don't, it's command phrase is not "1..2..5"
***I may not have leadership with a follower named Brother Maynard
*I may not reference Monty Python, on pain of immedeate rocks falling
*I may not play videogames within a timeframe of 8 hours when making a character
*I must contain myself to a sensory deprivation tank before starting to make a character.

[Blightedmarsh]

**May not base a character off of the hallucinations caused by sensory deprivation.

[tuggyne]

Originally Posted by Blightedmarsh

**May not base a character off of the hallucinations caused by sensory deprivation.

*** May not base a character off of the hallucinations caused by sleep deprivation.
**** May not base a character off of hallucinations, period.
***** Not even the interesting ones.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by tuggyne

*** May not base a character off of the hallucinations caused by sleep deprivation.
**** May not base a character off of hallucinations, period.
***** Not even the interesting ones.

******Unless I'm the DM and I'm sending the players to Dal-quor, Xoriat, or the Far Realms. Then hallucination based characters are encouraged.

[Socratov]

Originally Posted by Kelb_Panthera

******Unless I'm the DM and I'm sending the players to Dal-quor, Xoriat, or the Far Realms. Then hallucination based characters are encouraged.

******Provided they are not called Lucy

[eulmanis12]

* while it is perfectly acceptable for me to name my weapon, I may not call my 5 and a half foot sword of fire and Ice "Mr. Pointy"

**My ranger that fights with a longbow may not do a called shot (knee)
***this does not make the target into a town guard
****Shooting myself in the knee does not instantly cause me to join the town guard

*my rogue may not spend all his time stealing sweet rolls
** nor may he steal Swee Trolls

* I may not create a wizard capable of benching both the party's barbarians at the same time

* I may not join a college of majic without any majical ability beyond yelling people to death.

* If a town is deserted except for guards and one or two unkillable NPCs I may not consider this a success

* I may not duel wield shields and rely entirely on shield bashes for my damage output

* placing a cauldron over someone's head does not render them incapable of detecing me

* I may not question the fact that there are ancient burial sites RIGHT FRIGGIN NEXT TO THE TOWN! NOT EVEN TEN FEET AWAY AND NOBODY HAS EVER EXPLORED THEM IN THE SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS THAT THEY SAT THERE!!!!

*Dragon is not the key ingrediant in any local cuisine

*I may not season food with money

*If I use a glitch to kill the BBEG right at the end of the starter dungeon I may no longer play the game.

* My character's name is not
-Leroy Jenkins
-THE GAME
-Kilroy McDeathenator
-Bob the Breaker
-Chml'thlgggpnnnch'chlch
-Nobody, (Nothing, Nemo, Sombody Else, and Guy Over There are also unacceptable
**Our party may not consist of people with names entirely from that list.

*My battle cry is not
-GOOD FOR THE GOOD GOD
-FOR THE LULZ
-WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
-FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR
-BECAUSE I CAN

*My character may be fluent in only one language, however this language may not be
-Uncommon
-Dragon
-Braile
-Morse Code
-Lojiban
-C'thullu

*If DMing a campaign set in the real world I must remember that just having a character that speaks a foreign language does not mean that the person speaks that language.
Example. Bob's character knows spanish, Bob does not. Thus I may not when speaking for an NPC say "?Donde estan los armas para nosotros?" and not tell bob what it means, then expect him to respond in character. (this happened, I didn't know that bob did not speak spanish and was trying to add a level of realisim to the game)

[toapat]

Originally Posted by eulmanis12

* I may not duel wield shields and rely entirely on shield bashes for my damage output

**I will Duel Wield shields, along with a pair of Animated Shields, in Mountain Plate. I will do it effectively

[Ksheep]

* Power Word (Kill) is NOT the word that the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
** Nor is Power Word (Stun) or Power Word (Blind)
*** None of the Power Words are common words in Common
**** Or any language, for that matter
***** Power Word (Kill) is now Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, and I must actually speak it and pronounce it correctly if I want to cast it.

[Balmas]

Originally Posted by toapat

**I will Duel Wield shields, along with a pair of Animated Shields, in Mountain Plate. I will do it effectively

***I will take the Ironclad prestige class so I actually get the shield bonuses to my armor and touch class.
****I will not plead for Multiweapon fighting to be able to use all four shields at once.

[Doxkid]

*The DM CAN revoke my gender and WILL if I keep up these shenanigans.

[Dr Bwaa]

Originally Posted by eulmanis12

* while it is perfectly acceptable for me to name my weapon, I may not call my 5 and a half foot sword of fire and Ice "Mr. Pointy"

** I may, however, use this name for any Masterwork- or better- quality wooden stake.

[Arbane]

Originally Posted by Balmas

*In every town, there is a town guard.
**In ever town guard, there is at least one epic level druid, one epic level wizard, and one epic level barbarian equipped with an antimagic sphere.
***I will remember that the next time I go on a maniacal rampage through the center of town.

**** Complaints that the uberNPCs could finish whatever trivial quest we're on in less than a minute shall be restricted to once per session.

[Morithias]

* I am not allowed to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him.
** No not even if I have 5 levels in Silverhaired Knight.

(No I'm not even kidding, at level 5 they get the ability "consume sins" which just requires you to maintain physical contact for a number of minutes equal to the target's HD. Given how long sex lasts, it's entirely plausible for you to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him)

[Rockphed]

**** Uber-NPCs do not follow our actions via scrying just to laugh at our failure.

[Hyena]

* My character can complain about seeing bad dreams every night, but said dreams can't include being forced to travel by train without possibility to leave, stop or change direction of the rails.

[Thump]

*I may no longer try to lick the random pillar of holy light.
**Especially when it burns my tongue almost clean off.
***This goes triply so when it turns out to be a planetar.
****Which proceeds to smite me.

[MidgetMarine]

*The Leadership feat is not an adequate replacement for buying rations.
**Nor is the elven bard.

[Malak'ai]

*My character may not taunt the BBEG's pet Minotaur Barbarian with a red handkerchief.
**Calling him 'an over grown milk cow' or a 'walking T-bone' is not allowed either.
***He may not proceed to fight the Minotaur Barbarian 'Matador Styles'.
****I may not then complain when I get gored six ways from Sunday.
*****Doing this while the DM just stares at me like a deer in the headlights because I survive is right out.

*My light Scout Mech is no longer allowed to be armed with the equivilant of two small sub-machine guns.
**Especially if this makes room for a stadium grade sound system.
***Playing 'Run for the Hills' by Iron Maiden though said sound system when I get detected is a no.
****Hiding behind the Super-Heavy Mech that looks more like a walking weapons cache while playing 'Die, Die My Darling' by Metallica when what ever detected me finally catches up is certainly not allowed.
*****Bringing a walkman and speakers to actually be able to play those songs at the table will result in books being thrown at me.