Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[Sgt. Cookie]

*My Werewolf Cleric was NOT given the following instructions:
"First of all, you will eat all the bodies."
"The Second step is to swallow all creation."


For those that don't get it, and I really only expect French Metalers to get it, it's a reference to Wolf Down the Earth by Gojira, a French heavy metal band.

[Kalrany]

Originally Posted by Malak'ai

*My character may not taunt the BBEG's pet Minotaur Barbarian with a red handkerchief.
**Calling him 'an over grown milk cow' or a 'walking T-bone' is not allowed either.
***He may not proceed to fight the Minotaur Barbarian 'Matador Styles'.
****I may not then complain when I get gored six ways from Sunday.
*****Doing this while the DM just stares at me like a deer in the headlights because I survive is right out...

I must have an odd DM. This would result in much laughter and extra XP for thinking obliquely and with style. Of course, this is the same person who get’s giddy when we can outthink the baddies. And loves the theatrical engagement.

* When the rogue takes on the master thief mano-a-mano Jackie Chan style, the appropriate response is to start the popcorn and relax, but no meta allowed. This includes shouting suggestions from the sidelines when you are required to be otherwise occupied.

** Clapping when the rogue wins after 30+ rounds is acceptable, however. (Seriously, we lost count between the serving tray discus attack and the chandelier dive to the ledge of the second story window. I am not exaggerating.)

[Metahuman1]

Originally Posted by Morithias

* I am not allowed to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him.
** No not even if I have 5 levels in Silverhaired Knight.

(No I'm not even kidding, at level 5 they get the ability "consume sins" which just requires you to maintain physical contact for a number of minutes equal to the target's HD. Given how long sex lasts, it's entirely plausible for you to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him)

I must have book and page number!!!!!! Please!

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Metahuman1

I must have book and page number!!!!!! Please!

Dragon 315, P28


and yes, they do have Perform (Sexual Acts) as a class skill

[byaku rai]

As a DM:

*I should determine ahead of time what sort of party the players want to play.

*Failing that, I should at least make clear what sort of characters will work best in the (homebrewed) setting.

*Not to be disappointed when I get a group of well-thought-out, excellently roleplayed characters instead of the murderhobos I tailored the setting for.

*Not to keep the combat encounters the same despite a somewhat lower level of combat competence than they were designed for. >.> No matter how tempting it may be.

*Not to get disappointed when they try to talk their way through /every/ /single/ /encounter/, including the ones with dumb (in the literal sense of the word) beasts.

[Riverdance]

Originally Posted by Socratov

*I may not play an awakened worm with way too much WBL and Perform(Sarcasm), Perform(one-liner), Profession(Worm of fortune) or Knowledge(Irony)

**I may not play an awakened worm at all, or anything else that nobody in the group can say with a straight face.

Originally Posted by eulmanis12

* while it is perfectly acceptable for me to name my weapon, I may not call my 5 and a half foot sword of fire and Ice "Mr. Pointy"

**"Jesus" is right out.

Originally Posted by eulmanis12

*Dragon is not the key ingrediant in any local cuisine

**Neither is Gnome, Halfling, Elf, or Kender.
***No, not even if I take Profession(Chef) and invent the dish myself
****Even if I do try to eat Kender they are rumored to be chewy like bouncy balls.

Originally Posted by eulmanis12

* My character's name is not
-Leroy Jenkins
-THE GAME
-Kilroy McDeathenator
-Bob the Breaker
-Chml'thlgggpnnnch'chlch
-Nobody, (Nothing, Nemo, Sombody Else, and Guy Over There are also unacceptable
**Our party may not consist of people with names entirely from that list.

**My Barbarian's name is not "Plair Karkter"
***Nor is it "Nohn-Plair Karkter"
**My Gnome's name is not "Donjin Meister"


**I am to refer to the power gamer's Gladiator by the name he almost forgot to give it and not "Minimus-Maximus"
***The more blatant "Optimus Munchkin" is right out.

[Erik Vale]

Originally Posted by Ksheep

* Power Word (Kill) is NOT the word that the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
** Nor is Power Word (Stun) or Power Word (Blind)
*** None of the Power Words are common words in Common
**** Or any language, for that matter
***** Power Word (Kill) is now Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, and I must actually speak it and pronounce it correctly if I want to cast it.

****** All the powerwords are now the chemical name of Titan, broken up with prayers, no drinks of water, and the effect I want to cause. A single mispronounciation will result in my death.
******* There are now no breathing breaks.
******** There are no magical recorders.

Originally Posted by Rockphed

**** Uber-NPCs do not follow our actions via scrying just to laugh at our failure.

***** Because that's gods job.
****** Who has now gotton bored and stopped watching, and so won't save the world.


QUOTE=Morithias;14027491]* I am not allowed to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him.
** No not even if I have 5 levels in Silverhaired Knight.

(No I'm not even kidding, at level 5 they get the ability "consume sins" which just requires you to maintain physical contact for a number of minutes equal to the target's HD. Given how long sex lasts, it's entirely plausible for you to redeem the big bad by sleeping with him)[/quote]

Wow...

[Malak'ai]

Originally Posted by Kalrany

I must have an odd DM. This would result in much laughter and extra XP for thinking obliquely and with style. Of course, this is the same person who get’s giddy when we can outthink the baddies. And loves the theatrical engagement.

* When the rogue takes on the master thief mano-a-mano Jackie Chan style, the appropriate response is to start the popcorn and relax, but no meta allowed. This includes shouting suggestions from the sidelines when you are required to be otherwise occupied.

** Clapping when the rogue wins after 30+ rounds is acceptable, however. (Seriously, we lost count between the serving tray discus attack and the chandelier dive to the ledge of the second story window. I am not exaggerating.)

The DM was laughing so hard he cried, it was when the others in the group started acting as rodeo clowns when it finally caught me that he started thinking we were going a little too far .

[Silus]

I may not cast True Resurrection on the BBEG's Dragon Scale armor.
I also may not cast Cure Blindness on an Eye of Grummish.

(Thanks TV Tropes =D)

[Krazzman]

Originally Posted by Riverdance

**Neither is Gnome, Halfling, Elf, or Kender.
***No, not even if I take Profession(Chef) and invent the dish myself
****Even if I do try to eat Kender they are rumored to be chewy like bouncy balls.

***** The only exception to this is the Gnome in the Beholder-cuisine which is know for their recipes mostly consisting of raw flesh.
****** NO I may not try to teach a beholder any Cooking related skill.

[Fayd]

Yelling "SUCK BOLT V LIZARD" at an adult black dragon is generally a bad idea.

[Doxkid]

*You only get to wink and smile at someone ONCE per session. Make it count.
**...Alright, I guess I'm to blame for that last one.
***From now on your charisma cannot be above 8. With or without boosts.
****Know what? All NPC are assumed to have heard about your exploits. Expect the child support demands to start flocking in.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Doxkid

****Know what? All NPC are assumed to have heard about your exploits. Expect the child support demands to start flocking in.

*****You are not to ask how you have kids when your character is a lesbian.
******Even less so if she is an elf

[Malak'ai]

*My character cannot distract the enemy spellcaster by sneezing in his face.
**Blowing my nose on the hem of his robe is just asking for it.
***Blaming his bad cologne gets hot coffee poured on my lap.
****I may not play characters with allergies again.

[Doxkid]

*"...but it'll be fine because I can outrun them..." should not be the main reason behind your alignment. I dont care what that alignment is, you just got it veto'd.

** No hunting Hi-Op casters as a mundane, just to prove you can.

***Seriously, the Wizard is crying.

****You are no longer allowed to play Monks, Commoners or Warriors. Just...just sit in a corner and think about what you've done.

[Techwarrior]

I am not allowed to retire and then play one of my many children who wants to grow up to be just like his daddy.

[Riverdance]

* I am to cease and desist of setting my housecat on commoners.
**Even if they set theirs on me.
***I am not to first dip the cat's claws in hot sauce.
****Acid is right out.
*****My housecat privileges can and will be revoked if I continue with my shenanigans.

[BootStrapTommy]

Originally Posted by Doxkid

** No hunting Hi-Op casters as a mundane, just to prove you can.

The way we play, this is almost a requirement.

*I am no longer allowed to use prestidigitation to do anything I decide that its vague language will allow.
**I'm no longer allowed to EVEN brainstorm on the things I could get away with with prestidigitation.

[Elemental]

* I may not create a portal that leads from the Elemental Plane of Water to a spot near to the Sun such that the aforementioned Plane that contains an infinite quantity of water drains onto the Sun.
** If this is your plan to kill everything, then good work because it will succeed eventually. Just... You know... Not how you think.
*** Also, the Sun God will try and kill you.

[Riverdance]

**No portals from the plane of water to the plane of fire either. Salamanders don't appreciate that.
***Not to mention the efrits.

[TheRedWidow]

* I will not offer my gay vulture as a gift to the tengu in an attempt to get on their airship

[Rockphed]

Originally Posted by TheRedWidow

* I will not offer my gay vulture as a gift to the tengu in an attempt to get on their airship

Dare I ask about the story behind this?

[Venusaur]

Originally Posted by Malak'ai

*My character may not taunt the BBEG's pet Minotaur Barbarian with a red handkerchief.
**Calling him 'an over grown milk cow' or a 'walking T-bone' is not allowed either.
***He may not proceed to fight the Minotaur Barbarian 'Matador Styles'.
****I may not then complain when I get gored six ways from Sunday.
*****Doing this while the DM just stares at me like a deer in the headlights because I survive is right out.

****** Not allowed to try and "milk those".

[Riverdance]

Originally Posted by Rockphed

Dare I ask about the story behind this?

Seconded.

Originally Posted by TheRedWidow

* I will not offer my gay vulture as a gift to the tengu in an attempt to get on their airship

**My familiars may never have a defined sexual orientation.

[Reltzik]

* DnD (or a similar game like Pathfinder) and Paranoia do not mix.
** If they were to mix, the decision to mix them would be made by the DM, not a player like me.
*** Especially not a player like me.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by Reltzik

* DnD (or a similar game like Pathfinder) and Paranoia do not mix.
** If they were to mix, the decision to mix them would be made by the DM, not a player like me.
*** Especially not a player like me.

**** If, however, the DM does decide to make that particular blend, I will do my best to not -completely- screw the rest of the party until the final session. (No guarantees though.)

[Techwarrior]

How do you manage a Paranoia game that survives an entire session? Hell we play Paranoia planning to only go one night at this point.

[toapat]

Originally Posted by Techwarrior

How do you manage a Paranoia game that survives an entire session? Hell we play Paranoia planning to only go one night at this point.

I thought the intended TPK time of a Paranoia game was 10 minutes before you get to the front door of the first quest's hideout

[Kelb_Panthera]

Originally Posted by Techwarrior

How do you manage a Paranoia game that survives an entire session? Hell we play Paranoia planning to only go one night at this point.

A) First and Last are not mutually exclusive terms.

B) It's possible but the role-playing requirements are HEAVY. You have to go in with a seriously machiavellian mind-set and an eye toward keeping your pawns (read; the other pc's) alive so you can continue to make use of them.

Finding an entire group that's even capable of having the right mindset and roleplaying chops is probably more difficult than keeping the game together once you do.

[NikitaDarkstar]

* I am not allowed to play natural lychantropes anymore.
* I am not allowed to play barbarians anymore.
* I am most certainly not allowed to play werewolf barbarians anymore.
** Especially not with the Lesser Animal Totem rage power.
*** Soloing a CR 4 encounter as an ECL 3 character is just bad form.