Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

He mentions a colloquial expression commonly used to mean "you need to loosen up" - the one that immediately springs to mind is "you need to get laid".

I didn't get that impression...but then, English isn't my first language

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

He mentions a colloquial expression commonly used to mean "you need to loosen up" - the one that immediately springs to mind is "you need to get laid".

Honestly since we were talking about smoking I was thinking about something else.

[gunnar11]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

He mentions a colloquial expression commonly used to mean "you need to loosen up" - the one that immediately springs to mind is "you need to get laid".

I think he means: Just don't be so uptight.
And even though reluctance doesn't really elaborate his point well, I agree with him.
But before that:
1) If you really LOATHE smoking, the choice is easy
2) Get to know them both, who do you like better, why?
3) Go with the guy. Not only will he get you out of your comfort zone, but he might also open your eyes, and define your gender-identity, or let you realise you wanted to be with the girl/ someone else the whole time!

In order.

[Grytorm]

Good morning. I am a college student and I have a question.

If I encounter a girl from my dorm who I find attractive and after I say hello or smile at her and they smile back am I correct in my assumption that they are just being friendly? This has happened with at least two girls if that is relevant.

[Serpentine]

Utterly inconclusive. Could be anything from awkward politeness to intense interest.

[noparlpf]

I assume it's fairly normal to get over someone, and then years later, some random thing reminds you and you get all sad for a bit?

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Grytorm

Good morning. I am a college student and I have a question.

If I encounter a girl from my dorm who I find attractive and after I say hello or smile at her and they smile back am I correct in my assumption that they are just being friendly? This has happened with at least two girls if that is relevant.

Not enough information. Strike up a proper conversation when the two of you are not in a rush somewhere or engrossed in anything for more to go on.

edit: I mean, I'm a guy and I'm not exactly keen on having sex with dudes, but I'll generally offer some acknowledgement of a friendly greeting and smiling is my defense mechanism against people thinking I'm about to murder them because of my naturally dour face and the fact that my facial hair emphasizes my naturally downturned lips to the point where it looks like I'm frowning unless I'm actively smiling.

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I assume it's fairly normal to get over someone, and then years later, some random thing reminds you and you get all sad for a bit?

Well, I've run into that, certainly. Not sure if it's normal though, haha. x.x Only really happens with the one ex who is also the only one I could really honestly say I loved in a meaningful way, and it's only just now getting to be years and I get a fair number of reminders due to seeing our old haunts by passing them because I live in the same area still.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Grytorm

Good morning. I am a college student and I have a question.

If I encounter a girl from my dorm who I find attractive and after I say hello or smile at her and they smile back am I correct in my assumption that they are just being friendly? This has happened with at least two girls if that is relevant.

no offense meant, I swear..but..
I am honestly surprised that this doubt comes to you at college age..unless you're Sheldon Cooper and are actually 12

[prufock]

Originally Posted by Triscuitable

Okay, I'm in something of a bind. I'll explain it in bullet points.
...
What in the HELL do I do?

Hang out witht he guy. Ask the girl to go out on a different day. Figure out which person you have more in common with/more fun with/an easier time talking to, and pursue that one. It's allowed.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by prufock

Hang out witht he guy. Ask the girl to go out on a different day. Figure out which person you have more in common with/more fun with/an easier time talking to, and pursue that one. It's allowed.

Recommended, prior to physical and romantic entanglements, even.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by dehro

no offense meant, I swear..but..
I am honestly surprised that this doubt comes to you at college age..unless you're Sheldon Cooper and are actually 12

Hey, be nice. I'm 27 and still can't tell those types of things. Then again, I'm bad at striking up conversation, too....

[Grytorm]

Originally Posted by dehro

no offense meant, I swear..but..
I am honestly surprised that this doubt comes to you at college age..unless you're Sheldon Cooper and are actually 12

I am just bad at talking to people to some extent. I have Aspergers and generally try to spend time alone and I don't like to talk to people all that much. Thankfully I am pretty certain that I am likable, mostly because I am at friendly terms with most people I know.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Well, I've run into that, certainly. Not sure if it's normal though, haha. x.x Only really happens with the one ex who is also the only one I could really honestly say I loved in a meaningful way, and it's only just now getting to be years and I get a fair number of reminders due to seeing our old haunts by passing them because I live in the same area still.

I had the luck to be forced to move away and then go to college shortly afterwards. But when I visit my dad in my old town I get really uncomfortable. Today was just sucky. First thing I saw when I woke up was a pic of my ex on my news feed. Seems like she took a picture with the creator of a cartoon we both "like" on facebook, and he posted it on his page. Oh, hey emotions. I told you to get out. What are you doing here. Go away. Not a great way to wake up.

[Reluctance]

{Scrubbed}

[Sholos]

Arghh! Why can't I simply tell this girl how I feel and ask if she feels the same way? I'm going to be alone forever...

[Heliomance]

Originally Posted by Reluctance

{Scrubbed}

Not that I'm certain why it's either relevant or any of your business, but yes, I did. But I certainly didn't go into the relationship because I figured she'd be easy smexings, I went into it because we hit it off really well and I fancied her, and I continued in it because I grew to love her. I really don't know what your point is here, though, and I don't consider your question appropriate.

And frankly, "we all know" nothing of the sort. I'll admit that from the description Trisc gave, he (sorry if that's not your preferred pronoun) seems to be leaning more towards the girl, but I disagree with your accusation of "public hand-wringing to sell an image", and again think it's not an appropriate accusation to make on no grounds. And frankly, I don't see what's wrong with going for the girl. In fact, that would be my advice. You seem to have more in common with her anyway, and the guy's smoking is a big deal for you. Make a move with the girl.

Nor do I see any evidence of him finding excuses to withdraw from society. Kindly stop hurling baseless accusations around, it's really very annoying.

[dehro]

Originally Posted by Heliomance

Not that I'm certain why it's either relevant or any of your business, but yes, I did. But I certainly didn't go into the relationship because I figured she'd be easy smexings, I went into it because we hit it off really well and I fancied her, and I continued in it because I grew to love her. I really don't know what your point is here.

my guess is he doesn't like to be contraddicted.

on an unrelated note..

and people wonder why I'm single

[Astrella]

Originally Posted by Reluctance

{Scrubbed})

Do you get a kick out of making unbased assumptions about people? Is it that important to you that everything fits into your cynical word view?

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I assume it's fairly normal to get over someone, and then years later, some random thing reminds you and you get all sad for a bit?

It is indeed. However, is it points when you are alone or is it when you are with someone too? There is a difference.

Originally Posted by noparlpf

I had the luck to be forced to move away and then go to college shortly afterwards. But when I visit my dad in my old town I get really uncomfortable. Today was just sucky. First thing I saw when I woke up was a pic of my ex on my news feed. Seems like she took a picture with the creator of a cartoon we both "like" on facebook, and he posted it on his page. Oh, hey emotions. I told you to get out. What are you doing here. Go away. Not a great way to wake up.

If she makes you feel this way, why the heck are you still facebook friends with her?

Originally Posted by Sholos

Arghh! Why can't I simply tell this girl how I feel and ask if she feels the same way? I'm going to be alone forever...

I here you there. I have a lot of problems with this step. Getting rejected scares me because I often get emotionally invested in a person I like. As in it's not like I can go up and say: "Hey, you're cute. Want to go to a movie? No? Ah well, moving on." I like getting to know people first before I have an opinion on if I want to date them, so I inevitably gather more potent feelings, such as crushes. Still, 2 and a half years being single...I got a bit more confident. I'd not suggest that technique as a method, but I feel ya.

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Reluctance

Yes, yes, I know that sex isn't important in a healthy relationship.

Actually, an individual's physical needs are just as important as mental & emotional needs and can be a huge compatibility issue, even if all other aspects of the relationship line up perfectly, in exactly the same way that not meeting each other's emotional or mental needs might. A healthy relationship is well rounded on all fronts.

Physical doesn't always have to mean sex, but for a good majority of people it does. Also, I'm not saying physical needs are the most important thing, but I would highly doubt the long term happiness of any relationship that doesn't consider it to be important at all. It can be a direct relationship conflict just as easily as mismatched personalities can, and the intricacies of the specifics can be just as complex as well.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

I here you there. I have a lot of problems with this step. Getting rejected scares me because I often get emotionally invested in a person I like. As in it's not like I can go up and say: "Hey, you're cute. Want to go to a movie? No? Ah well, moving on." I like getting to know people first before I have an opinion on if I want to date them, so I inevitably gather more potent feelings, such as crushes. Still, 2 and a half years being single...I got a bit more confident. I'd not suggest that technique as a method, but I feel ya.

I'm basically the exact same way. I like to be a little more sure of liking a person before I do anything about it. Except now I'm going on 4+ years of being single (since I started desiring not to be, I've been single my entire life).

As for the needs discussion, do you have to have a romantic partner for those? Though I feel like none of my needs in any of the three areas are currently being met, but still, I'd hope that there's the possibility of meeting them without someone else.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom

It is indeed. However, is it points when you are alone or is it when you are with someone too? There is a difference.

If she makes you feel this way, why the heck are you still facebook friends with her?

I'm not. Like I said, she took a photo with the creator of a show we both "like", and he posted it on that facebook fan page.
Though it's not like that's my normal response. Usually I'm okay. I think it was waking up from a bad night's sleep and having that be the first thing I saw before I was properly awake.

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Sholos

Arghh! Why can't I simply tell this girl how I feel and ask if she feels the same way? I'm going to be alone forever...

I hope this concept helps:

There are three possible outcomes. #1 - You tell her & she feels the same way. You're both happy. #2 - You tell her & she does not feel the same way. It hurts for a while, but you move on. #3 - You don't tell her & you agonize over the question for a good long time... Years... Maybe even decades (I don't know the specifics in your case, but it's far more difficult to move on without closure.)

The worst case scenario if you talk to her is still better than the only scenario if you don't.

Might I recommend starting with a more familiar topic and changing the topic to how you feel once you start to get a bit comfortable with the conversation flow?

Originally Posted by Sholos

As for the needs discussion, do you have to have a romantic partner for those? Though I feel like none of my needs in any of the three areas are currently being met, but still, I'd hope that there's the possibility of meeting them without someone else.

It's possible to get them all through other social outlets, I suppose... But really, I was referring to the needs of the relationship. If two people are together, but they're each getting all their emotional needs met with friends, their mental needs met at work & their physical needs met with a few really close friends, then how much of a relationship are they even having with one another? How likely are either of them to prefer the company of their friends at that point?

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

Actually, an individual's physical needs are just as important as mental & emotional needs and can be a huge compatibility issue, even if all other aspects of the relationship line up perfectly, in exactly the same way that not meeting each other's emotional or mental needs might. A healthy relationship is well rounded on all fronts.

Physical doesn't always have to mean sex, but for a good majority of people it does. Also, I'm not saying physical needs are the most important thing, but I would highly doubt the long term happiness of any relationship that doesn't consider it to be important at all. It can be a direct relationship conflict just as easily as mismatched personalities can, and the intricacies of the specifics can be just as complex as well.

I agree with your point here a lot. This is one point where long-distance relationships fail immediately.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

I agree with your point here a lot. This is one point where long-distance relationships fail immediately.

Heck, that's entirely why I cannot enter into one in good conscience.

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

Actually, an individual's physical needs are just as important as mental & emotional needs and can be a huge compatibility issue [...-snip-...]

I'd swear that was sarcasm on Reluctance's part, but I didn't see the blue, so I couldn't be sure.

[Seffbasilisk]

Originally Posted by Triscuitable

Okay, I'm in something of a bind. I'll explain it in bullet points.

• I met this girl. She's really nice, and I like her. I'm very certain that because of how she introduced herself to me, that she likes me (especially considering I'm rather quiet in class).
• A friend of mine introduced me to this guy. He's really nice, and I like him. He also likes me.
• I've been friends with this girl for a while, but only just got to know this guy.
• I haven't had a chance to hang out with the girl, but the guy has already asked me if I wanted to.
• I've got some rather complicated gender-identity issues, but this girl is straight and the guy is gay.
• The girl and I share a lot of hobbies. The guy and I share a few interests, though he leans closer to anime and the like, while I prefer games and comics.
• The guy smokes. This is actually a big deal for me, because smoking is generally quite gross for me, and I don't like what it does to people. It also really turns me away from him, despite his much nicer traits.

What in the HELL do I do?

Seems to me, just from first impressions, that you like the girl more, but are unwilling to make the first moves there. The guy seems willing to do all the work for you. So you're considering him more due to the path of least resistance.

I'd say to ask the girl to something. Not strictly a date if you're not sure yet, but something to get to know her in an one-on-one situation better. Maybe hang with the guy, but if the smoking's a big thing, it's probably not that shiny a deal anyway.

When you have a decent feel for both of them, try a method I refer to as 'Arguing with a coin'.

To decide which one you want, arbitrarily assign sides. For instance, lets say the girl is heads, the guy is tails. Face-up is the one you date. Flip the coin. Catch it in midair, and slap it down on your arm.

That's the one.

The feeling you get afterwards? That's how you know whether you chose right or not. If you get the sudden urge to flip again, or find some way to invalidate that flip, or try best two out of three or some such nonsense? The one it landed on is not the one you really want.

It's a way of tricking your brain into looking at the decision in hindsight, while still in the decision-making process.

Just my two cents.

[Drascin]

Originally Posted by Seffbasilisk

When you have a decent feel for both of them, try a method I refer to as 'Arguing with a coin'.

To decide which one you want, arbitrarily assign sides. For instance, lets say the girl is heads, the guy is tails. Face-up is the one you date. Flip the coin. Catch it in midair, and slap it down on your arm.

That's the one.

The feeling you get afterwards? That's how you know whether you chose right or not. If you get the sudden urge to flip again, or find some way to invalidate that flip, or try best two out of three or some such nonsense? The one it landed on is not the one you really want.

It's a way of tricking your brain into looking at the decision in hindsight, while still in the decision-making process.

Warning: Does not work and in fact can be a real problem if you're the type of person that would feel uncertain with the decision no matter which way the coin falls. Speaking from experience, here.

[arguskos]

Originally Posted by Drascin

Warning: Does not work and in fact can be a real problem if you're the type of person that would feel uncertain with the decision no matter which way the coin falls. Speaking from experience, here.

See, it works perfectly for me at all times. Just a good example of how experiences differ.

It's not a perfect method, but if this style of thing works in general for you, the coin argument trick is a great way to examine your behavior.

[Sholos]

Originally Posted by Thajocoth

I hope this concept helps:

There are three possible outcomes. #1 - You tell her & she feels the same way. You're both happy. #2 - You tell her & she does not feel the same way. It hurts for a while, but you move on. #3 - You don't tell her & you agonize over the question for a good long time... Years... Maybe even decades (I don't know the specifics in your case, but it's far more difficult to move on without closure.)

The worst case scenario if you talk to her is still better than the only scenario if you don't.

Might I recommend starting with a more familiar topic and changing the topic to how you feel once you start to get a bit comfortable with the conversation flow?

I'm generally comfortable talking to her about most things. I just don't know how I'd change the topic to that without it being really weird. =/

It's possible to get them all through other social outlets, I suppose... But really, I was referring to the needs of the relationship. If two people are together, but they're each getting all their emotional needs met with friends, their mental needs met at work & their physical needs met with a few really close friends, then how much of a relationship are they even having with one another? How likely are either of them to prefer the company of their friends at that point?

Are the needs that get met in a relationship needs that you only have if you're in a relationship? Or are they needs that single people are just screwed on?

[Thajocoth]

Originally Posted by Sholos

I'm generally comfortable talking to her about most things. I just don't know how I'd change the topic to that without it being really weird. =/

Wait for a pause, smile while looking at her, and then just say what's in your heart. (Not "blood". I mean your metaphorical heart, not the organ.)

Originally Posted by Sholos

Are the needs that get met in a relationship needs that you only have if you're in a relationship? Or are they needs that single people are just screwed on?

A mixture of both I think. A relationship is a bond. Think back to chemistry. A hydrogen bond shares one electron, and is rather weak. Two carbons can share 3 electrons to have a really strong bond. The bond itself needs those electrons, and the atoms aren't quite whole without the bond, but they get by without it if they need to.

So, you can get some of the needs met with friends, but if your electrons are all shared with other hydrogens, how strong is your relationship going to be? They're your needs, but they're also the bond's needs in a way.

My analogy probably isn't perfect... And it's very much an opinion, just like the rest of what I've said on this topic.