Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[Coidzor]

Well, my English Teacher paramour broke things off with me because apparently the guilt was driving her mad.

Would've been nice if it were before she was begging me to come over and then went full cray-cray, but c'est la vie.

[Morph Bark]

In my country we have a saying: "no news is good news."

This does not apply to relationships with people.

Not hearing from someone for two weeks kinda grates me. :|

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

In my country we have a saying: "no news is good news."

This does not apply to relationships with people.

Not hearing from someone for two weeks kinda grates me. :|

Agreed. I ran into something very much like that myself recently.


It is a very curious piece of misapplied feminism that results in the strange belief that the only person whose thoughts, feelings, or schedule matters is the woman and any kind of compromise or discussion is sexist oppression.

C'est la guerre, I suppose, given the number of self-described anti-feminists or completely apathetic women that I've encountered it in.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Coidzor

It is a very curious piece of misapplied feminism that results in the strange belief that the only person whose thoughts, feelings, or schedule matters is the woman and any kind of compromise or discussion is sexist oppression.

If that is supposed to be a thing, I guess it's applicable moreso to your area than in general. My ex wasn't at all like that, for instance. With regards to this girl, I understand that's she's very busy (she's studying to become a dentist), but I like being in contact fairly regularly, however briefly. Texting doesn't seem to cut it for her, as she doesn't keep her phone with her most of the day as to not be disturbed during classes (they might not even be allowed in there, I forgot if she mentioned that).

Anyway, I decided to re-install WhatsApp on my smartphone, since she has her iPod with her more often than her Nokia phone and can apparently use WhatsApp on it. See if she replies to pokes on there.

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Morph Bark

If that is supposed to be a thing, I guess it's applicable moreso to your area than in general. My ex wasn't at all like that, for instance.

Mostly an observation that your plight reminded me of, and as I've encountered it on the West Coast, the South, and online I'm inclined to believe that there's something other than personal hallucination to it.

[Adumbration]

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

[Coidzor]

I seem to recall something about there being some form of etiquette involving questions but I can't recall any details for the life of me.

[noparlpf]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

I think you're supposed to say more than "Hey :)". Try starting a conversation. Be interesting.

[Coidzor]

Say, what was that term that was developed for the thread as an alternative to partner/lover/boytoy/etc.?

edit: Kerfluffington? Gerrinton? Gerdonkle? Merfonkle? Gedonkle?

[Castaras]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

- Go for profile pictures of you outside doing something. Pictures taken of people just against the wall of their room or from a webcam look much less attractive and more inherently creepy than pictures of you out there doing something - even if it's just standing by a tree looking sheepish.
- Two-three sentences is good. More than just "hello darling" or "Hey, I have a <genitals> and you have a <genitals>, 'ey? 'ey?". Commenting on something the person mentioned on their profile is good. Don't do too long a reply, however - people will go "TL;DR" and ignore it, sadly, no matter what the content.

[Marillion]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

This article is a pretty good look at the situation.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

Starting up talk about something you both find interesting is probably a good start. I have an account there I only used for a month or so, but I got a pretty good reaction after I asked a lady about her Stargate blog.

...if you're talking about sending messages in written form, rather than the kind of "making a first impression".

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

I can certainly help you there, depending on what you're looking for and how you want to go about it. I just warn you that many girls are absolutely swamped with messages, and many don't take the time to message back to the ones they aren't interested in. Even the most promising could turn out to be a let down. However, I've also had some nice luck on there as well.

If you'd like to be more specific, or message me, I can cater to your specific needs.

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Say, what was that term that was developed for the thread as an alternative to partner/lover/boytoy/etc.?

edit: Kerfluffington? Gerrinton? Gerdonkle? Merfonkle? Gedonkle?

I'm assuming you don't mean MULWIPAR....so how about PILTFER - Person I Love To Fondle - Exnay Relationship

[Serpentine]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

As a general question - I just made a profile on OKCupid, and I was wondering what's a good first message to send to someone? Is there an etiquette of any kind? Apart from A) Be attractive, B) Don't be unattractive and C) Don't be a creepy bastard (my personal addition).

Everyone's pretty much said it, so I'll basically reiterate: pick up on something in their profile, and start a conversation on that. Ask one or two questions that invite an answer, and that can further contribute to conversation. Avoid commenting on physical stuff, I think, unless there's something particularly distinctive (e.g. funky hair colour, weird bit of clothing).
On the other hand, I recently started an ongoing conversation by just saying "Nothing much to say, but I like your style".

[Faulty]

So: cute girl in a class. I managed to get her out to coffee with me by saying I'd like to hear about the thesis to her research paper (I actually do want to hear it). How do I move from that -> friendship -> romance? Tipz plox.

[Zrak]

I feel like the intentional move from friendship to romance will always appear artificial. Just be her friend and wait and see if something develops; if nothing does, it's not as though a dozen roses would've changed things, you know? There's nothing wrong with making it clear you like her after you've gotten to know her, or even asking her out, I just mean trying to move the relationship in a more romantic direction before doing that often seems artificial and forced.
As for going from acquaintances to friends, just make it clear that you like hanging out with her and enjoy her contributions to topics of mutual interest. The thesis is a great way to do this, since it gives a lot more indication of what somebody's like than the usual small-talk, but there's not too much added pressure.

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Mostly an observation that your plight reminded me of, and as I've encountered it on the West Coast, the South, and online I'm inclined to believe that there's something other than personal hallucination to it.

I don't think it's so much personal hallucination, but I also don't think it has much of anything to do with women or feminism. Typically, people believe (regardless of their sex) that the only thoughts, feelings, and schedule that matters is their own, even if they don't think so consciously or openly. Whenever someone is called out on this, it is obviously not his or her fault and is instead a result of him or her being oppressed, bullied, or what-have-you by whoever had the audacity to suggest they were being anything less than reasonably. The important thing to remember about most people of either sex is that they are convinced they are always right and they/their priorities are the most important, provided anyone else matters at all.

[Serpentine]

Random but tangentially related: My sister's recently joined OKCupid and is enjoying enormous success with it. I'm somewhat jealous, but on the other hand the sort of interactions she's having aren't really the sort of interactions I particularly want, so oh well I guess...

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Zrak

I don't think it's so much personal hallucination, but I also don't think it has much of anything to do with women or feminism. Typically, people believe (regardless of their sex) that the only thoughts, feelings, and schedule that matters is their own, even if they don't think so consciously or openly. Whenever someone is called out on this, it is obviously not his or her fault and is instead a result of him or her being oppressed, bullied, or what-have-you by whoever had the audacity to suggest they were being anything less than reasonably. The important thing to remember about most people of either sex is that they are convinced they are always right and they/their priorities are the most important, provided anyone else matters at all.

I don't think it was the casual sociopathy or solipsism of selfishness alone when I've encountered it. Certainly it's a component, but you usually don't get the fires of dogma with solipsism and all.

Originally Posted by Faulty

So: cute girl in a class. I managed to get her out to coffee with me by saying I'd like to hear about the thesis to her research paper (I actually do want to hear it). How do I move from that -> friendship -> romance? Tipz plox.

Well, there's the old conventional standby of outmoded gender roles for comparison. Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Show charisma/personability/non-creepiness.

Put your best foot forward, show interest in her, flirt as best you're able and as the situation allows.

You really don't need to establish a formalized friendship before your first date, after all, considering you're already interested in pursuing her. So... pursue her. It's not like pursuing her is mutually exclusive with having an interest in her or her thoughts.

[Serpentine]

There are no "fires of dogma" here. Your angle is irrelevant to this thread. Shall we move on?

[Coidzor]

Originally Posted by Serpentine

There are no "fires of dogma" here. Your angle is irrelevant to this thread. Shall we move on?

There was no angle in the first place, nor was I suggesting such, so, yes, by all means.

I'd hardly say a memory of past relationship woes was completely irrelevant to the thread, given the title if nothing else though.

[Heliomance]

Sigh. I miss having a girlfriend.

[Adumbration]

Well, this is awkward. In an attempt to follow the advice here, I sent multiple messages to various people. Just got a response - I asked (after seeing a lot of classical literature): "Have you read Dostojevski's Idiot? I can recommend that."

Honestly I wasn't expecting anything back, but just got. ".... jeah I have". And I'm a bit lost now.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Well...at least they responded, so that's something. I had a few people like that as well...I generally would try once more to strike up a conversation, ask more questions, ask them open ended questions like what is your favorite thing to do, so on, so they invest time in a response instead of a yes or no.

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Zrak

I feel like the intentional move from friendship to romance will always appear artificial. Just be her friend and wait and see if something develops; if nothing does, it's not as though a dozen roses would've changed things, you know? There's nothing wrong with making it clear you like her after you've gotten to know her, or even asking her out, I just mean trying to move the relationship in a more romantic direction before doing that often seems artificial and forced.
As for going from acquaintances to friends, just make it clear that you like hanging out with her and enjoy her contributions to topics of mutual interest. The thesis is a great way to do this, since it gives a lot more indication of what somebody's like than the usual small-talk, but there's not too much added pressure.

Thank you for the advice.

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Well, there's the old conventional standby of outmoded gender roles for comparison. Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Show charisma/personability/non-creepiness.

Put your best foot forward, show interest in her, flirt as best you're able and as the situation allows.

You really don't need to establish a formalized friendship before your first date, after all, considering you're already interested in pursuing her. So... pursue her. It's not like pursuing her is mutually exclusive with having an interest in her or her thoughts.

We're both femme so I don't know how I could use stereotypical gender role scripts effectively here. The problem is I don't know how to effectively flirt/pursue people. Zrak's advice sounds like it'll do me well.

[Asta Kask]

Originally Posted by Adumbration

Well, this is awkward. In an attempt to follow the advice here, I sent multiple messages to various people. Just got a response - I asked (after seeing a lot of classical literature): "Have you read Dostojevski's Idiot? I can recommend that."

Honestly I wasn't expecting anything back, but just got. ".... jeah I have". And I'm a bit lost now.

If you have, you can now ask what ze thought. And then conversation can follow.

[Chen]

Originally Posted by Faulty

So: cute girl in a class. I managed to get her out to coffee with me by saying I'd like to hear about the thesis to her research paper (I actually do want to hear it). How do I move from that -> friendship -> romance? Tipz plox.

So do you actually want to be her friend? Or are you only interested romantically? Trying to be friends just to become romantic later is a bad plan. Just directly ask her out if you're interested.

[Faulty]

Originally Posted by Chen

So do you actually want to be her friend? Or are you only interested romantically? Trying to be friends just to become romantic later is a bad plan. Just directly ask her out if you're interested.

I am romantically interested. She seems like a shy person so I don't want to just be like HEY LETS GO OUT after our first time spending time together... Maybe I'm wrong?

[Fragenstein]

Originally Posted by Faulty

I am romantically interested. She seems like a shy person so I don't want to just be like HEY LETS GO OUT after our first time spending time together... Maybe I'm wrong?

Find common interests and invite her to things not involving thesis papers. Compliment her in unexpected ways. Initiate some subtle touches to the shoulder/arm/hand region if she seems open enough.

If her friendliness increases, ask her out. If that fails, go for the old stand-by...

"Wow. I love your skirt. It'd look great dangling from the ceiling fan in my bedroom."

That line's always worked on me, after all.

[Faulty]

Thank you for the advice. My problem is I normally just go to coffee with people so my only idea of what else we could do would come off date like (movies, etc.). I guess that's my one hole right now. The rest of the suggestions I can manage.

[Morph Bark]

Originally Posted by Faulty

I am romantically interested. She seems like a shy person so I don't want to just be like HEY LETS GO OUT after our first time spending time together... Maybe I'm wrong?

My investigation as to this subject is still ongoing. I'll let you know when I publish my results.

Originally Posted by Fragenstein

That line's always worked on me, after all.

How often have you actually used it?


...oh ON you, not FOR you. Nevermind!


EDIT:

Originally Posted by Faulty

Thank you for the advice. My problem is I normally just go to coffee with people so my only idea of what else we could do would come off date like (movies, etc.). I guess that's my one hole right now. The rest of the suggestions I can manage.

Watch a movie together at home, or a series you both like? Done that a few times. Then stayed up late just talking. Eventually we didn't even see the anime episodes anymore.

Walking through parks or such is generally also pretty okay, only semi-date like (especially if you asked about seemingly as more of a spur-of-the-moment thing, unless it is a REALLY cool and/or pretty park), healthy (SNIFF THAT NATURE AIR) and free.