The pun thread

Asta Kask · 03-03-2013, 06:36 AM

What's the pirate looking for in the low-price shop?

A real barrrgain.

Amidus Drexel · 03-03-2013, 10:18 AM

What do puns and windows have in common?

They're paneful.

A Rainy Knight · 03-03-2013, 10:26 AM

The castle was surrounded by a vile swamp known as the Yellow Fingers, cutting it off from the outside world. But one day, the king needed to send a message to his subjects beyond the swamp. His knights volunteered to brave the swamp for him, but, unwilling to risk his finest soldiers' lives, the king decreed: "Let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."

Xenrei · 03-03-2013, 02:37 PM

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the barkeep: "How much for a drink?" The barkeep replies: "For you? No charge!"

PurityIcekiller · 03-03-2013, 02:48 PM

There once was a convent with very strict regulations. For one thing, each and every nun was only allowed one set of clothing, and they all had to be the traditional black. They weren't even allowed to replace their outfits, having to keep the same clothes every day of service. This went on for years.

Then, one day, the abbess tired of this. "Why should we, who have devoted our lives to the Lord, have to suffer the indignity of wearing these boring old clothes? The least we could do is spice them up a bit. I will allow every one of you sisters to choose a new colour to wear."

The nuns were thrilled at this news, eagerly awaiting the change from boring old black costumes to wearing all the colours of the rainbow. Soon, the convent had great vats throughout, each filled with pigments which the nuns could put their clothes in for recolouring.

However, once the process was done, every sister got a shock. When they removed their clothes from the vats, they had indeed changed colours, but somehow the fabric had become stiff and rock-hard. They were all completely unwearable.

"Figures that this would happen," muttered one of the nuns. "After all, old habits dye hard."

TinyMushroom · 03-03-2013, 03:09 PM

When the zombies approached, we stood aghast! It appyramided we were cornered and we had to face it: we were all abone, the amound of trouble was tomb big and our fighting skulls were rather vaulty. Since there was no hope anymorgue, of corpse we grave up, but just when we thought we were ghoast out of nowhere a hero appeared we ghould only watch as he carcassassinated them all! This cryptic person saved us all with such a bloody nonchalhaunt expression on his face, it kind of bogled our minds. I know, all of these are bad and I should feel bad.

Cuthalion · 03-03-2013, 07:57 PM

They were good warriors when they mustarded all their troops with relish, but the Franks really couldn't ketchup to the Greeks in terms of warfare, because they didn't have Achilis.

Minitroll · 03-04-2013, 06:08 PM

I'd make a good Chemistry pun but all the good ones Argon.

TinyMushroom · 03-05-2013, 11:47 AM

I wanted to send you all my sympaTin, but I Zinc I will save it for another time. Since I Xenon express what I feel very well I'll keep it simple so I won't look like a total Boron with my attempts.

I believe you can do it, champ! Keep your ion the prize, and be redox to use every oppurtunity.

/casually breaks three-post-rule

Dr.Epic · 03-05-2013, 09:57 PM

Why didn't Achilles pick up the phone when Odysseus called him?

Because nobody was calling!

PurityIcekiller · 03-05-2013, 10:07 PM

Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his mouth? You see, he drank his coffee before it was cool.

PallElendro · 03-06-2013, 10:59 AM

There's an event that takes place when a square grows.

It's cuberty.

Cuthalion · 03-06-2013, 12:41 PM

How about after every string of 20 posts in this thread we vote on our favorites?

Dr.Epic · 03-06-2013, 12:45 PM

Did you hear Victor Frankenstein is going to art school? He's either gonna study illustration or re-ANIMATION.

eulmanis12 · 03-06-2013, 05:06 PM

A bunch of mice sailed their ship into port, raided a bakery, then ran off.
Stupid Pie-Rats.

SnowballMan · 03-06-2013, 07:02 PM

Shirley came to me with a brightly colored outfit, juggling balls, a scroll full of amusing comments and asked, "What do I do with these?"

"Shirley, you jest."

Phil Lactery · 03-06-2013, 08:32 PM

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

PallElendro · 03-06-2013, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cuthalion

How about after every string of 20 posts in this thread we vote on our favorites?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil Lactery

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell...

..."No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

I have a nominee already.

His pun is Philarious.

Minitroll · 03-07-2013, 08:50 AM

Dang, I have so much math homework today: it's deriving me crazy!

SnowballMan · 03-07-2013, 01:24 PM

Speaking of crazy...

I was at a bar with a friend when this attractive woman came in and started declaring loudly about the coming of the Squirrel King. Interspersed with her ranting, she would cast suggestive looks at my friend as well as direct many innuendo's his way. She then left as suddenly as she came in, leaving my friend very frustrated.

It was his own fault though, he should have known better. It was clear case of insanitease.

Phil Lactery · 03-07-2013, 03:04 PM

Speaking of bars...

I was in a bar last week after work, it was still early so it was just me and the bartender. I ordered a drink and sat down as the bartender wondered off to do some cleaning. Almost as soon as he was out of sight I heard a voice:

"Nice hat!"

I looked around, but couldn't see anyone. I returned to my drink, putting it down to stress. However after taking a sip I heard:

"Great tie!"

I was sure I heard it. Not only that, but it was close. I began searching around, looking over the bar, behind chairs, everywhere. I decide to finish my pint and leave, but as I bring the glass to my lips I hear:

"Those glasses really suit you!"

And I discover the source of the noise, a bowl of peanuts on the bar. As I stare blankly the bartender returns so I ask him,

"Hey! What's the deal with these peanuts?"

"They're complimentary"

sammily99 · 03-07-2013, 06:24 PM

MOM: hey son how was school.
SON: good. we played a guessing game.
MOM: i thought you had a math test today.
SON: exactly

PurityIcekiller · 03-07-2013, 06:35 PM

The Vikings eventually decided to give up their practice of burning the bodies of their fallen warriors on ships. I guess they realized they were just heating a dead Norse.

SnowballMan · 03-08-2013, 01:25 PM

The farmer forgot to milk his cows today. He was udderly irresponsible.

Think that pun was short? This one is two.

TaiLiu · 03-09-2013, 12:09 AM

Three humans walk into a bar. The first one says "I would like a glass of water, please." He drinks it and leaves.
The second one says "I would like a glass of H2O."He drinks it and leaves.
The third one says "I would like to have a glass of H2O too." He drinks it and dies.

SnowballMan · 03-14-2013, 08:05 PM

Pun-nish me if you must, but I feel I must keep this thread sewing.

In Egyptian politics, if you sacrifice someone else for personal gain, is that "throwing them under the Anubis"?

Phil Lactery · 03-14-2013, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SnowballMan

Pun-nish me if you must, but I feel I must keep this thread sewing.

In Egyptian politics, if you sacrifice someone else for personal gain, is that "throwing them under the Anubis"?

Trying to keep this going?

You must be in de-nile

KazilDarkeye · 03-15-2013, 08:13 AM

I once met a ninja and struck up a conversation. After a while, I asked him if he could hit a nearby tree with one of his throwing star things, and a passersby interrupted.
"Sure 'e can!"

Pencil-Monkey · 03-15-2013, 10:21 AM

What pun thread could possibly be complete without a fine selection of Max Jollity quotes?

"My doctor always engaged in comic wordplay when administering an injection. She was from the Punjab."

"Erasing a rough spiral doodle I drew earlier. Goodbye, crude whirl."

"Q: What sort of bird is best for deflecting guided missiles? A: Chaffinch."

"There's now an iPhone for Greek vintners. It has a very impressive retsina display."

"Local fishmonger offered me a day's work as long as he could pay me with fish. It was a generous offer but I made sure to get it in whiting."

"National Association of Proctologists awarded me their highest honour yesterday. I was deeply touched."

Kieran Cage · 03-15-2013, 11:52 AM

Actual house rule in my game group:

If the DM accidentally knocks any player's dice off the table, then all players get an untyped +4 bonus to all rolls made during the next combat encounter, under the principle of "Dies fall, everyone rocks"