Right, similar to my Sauceror thread, this class comes from Kingdom of Loathing
. If you've come across this thread and are angry at the concept, complain to them first please.
That said, this class is still partially incomplete, just as the Sauceror was. Asteriked abilities and such are those that I have need for further corrections. Without further ado...
“You say dragons and giants and zombies are tough? You ain't seen anything unless you've seen your best friend die at the claws of that aquatic killer, the blubbery death machine... the seal. I've spent my life training to beat that freak of nature, and I won't rest until I've smashed its skull in brutally.
You may say I'm a psychopath, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you will join us, and the world will be free of the foul seal.”
The Seal Clubber
|Fort Save||Ref Save||Will Save||Special|
|Seal Clubbing Frenzy (1/day)|
|Hide of the Otter|
|Claws of the Otter|
|Seal Clubbing Frenzy 2/day|
|Tongue of the Otter|
|Thrust Smack 1/day|
|*Super-Advanced Meatsmithing, Seal Clubbing Frenzy 3/day|
|Eye of the Stoat, Thrust Smack 2/day|
|Hide of the Walrus, Seal Clubbing Frenzy 4/day|
|Claws of the Walrus|
|Thrust Smack 3/day|
|Tongue of the Walrus, Seal Clubbing Frenzy 5/day|
|Lunging Thrust Smack|
|Rage of the Reindeer, Thrust Smack 4/day|
|Seal Clubbing Frenzy 6/day|
|Double-Fisted Skull Smashing|
|Northern Exposure, Thrust Smack 5/day|
|Musk of the Moose|
Seal Clubbers come from the frigid Northlands, in the far reaches of Little Canadia and the northern shores of the Big Mountains, where they have trained to fight one of nature's least suspected predators: the adorable (to some) seal. They hunt their furry foes with a single-minded ferocity, and fight them with a frenzied rage while using their preferred weapon, the club. Although their mission in life draws suspicion and disgust from some, none can deny their combat prowess.
The mission of a seal clubber in his adventures almost always correlates to the destruction of seals, but they have been known to set this aside to deal with greater threats where known. Good seal clubbers, although rare, are often found trying to defend northern villages from seal attacks, while evil seal clubbers merely delight in the destruction of life, especially cute and cuddly life.
Seal clubbers fight in combat with a clubbing frenzy, which they have mastered when dealing with smaller creatures. They also perfect their skills with the club and greatclub, their preferred weapons, with a technique known as the "Thrust-Smack" which offers great damage at the cost of potential fatigue. Aside from these more combative skills, they also take on the aspects of various animals of the north, and employ their abilities to great effect.
Due to the overall cuteness of the seal, ferocious though it may be, seal clubbers are rarely good, mainly because it is harder for good characters to bring themselves to harm something so adorable. As their seal-clubbing frenzy isn't a fighting style so much as a rage against all of sealdom, seal clubbers are also often chaotic. In fact, no seal clubber may be lawful, as their fury could not be allowed to manifest in such explosive displays if they were.
Seal clubbers are known to follow gods that condone slaughter, such as Erythnul, despite their own alignments. Good seal clubbers may instead follow gods that favor protection, such as Fharlanghn. Piety among seal clubbers ranges from almost nonexistent to violently zealous.
Seal clubbers generally start their training when they have dealt with seals negatively within their life. Since seals tend to roam solely around the frigid Northlands, almost all seal clubbers come from there. Their abilities are rarely learned from another, and the only link with other seal clubbers that they have is their common goal, which isn't much. They take a dim view of those who wish to protect the seal for its cuteness, having seen firsthand what a seal can do.
Half-orcs take to the life of the seal clubber easily, thanks to the bloodlust of their orcish heritage. Dwarves could be found defending others from the threat of seals. Humans, as with most other professions, take to the seal clubber's way of life naturally. Elves are generally too frail to be found a-clubbing.
Seal clubbers can handle close combat with little to no assistance. When it comes time to set the club aside, they have no problem with letting disco bandits back them up. They regard turtle tamers as possible enemies, since they are the most likely to sympathize with the seal. They always appreciate a hearty meal from a pastamancer, and an accordion tune appropriate for clubbing.
The first and most important role of the seal clubber is to beat the ever-loving crap out of anyone who threatens them or the party. Because of their hardiness from surviving in the frigid Northlands, they are also good at taking hits for the team. They can also smith (or pulverize) powerful weaponry for use by their team-mates.
Strength is useful to ensure that every hit counts that a seal clubber deals out. Constitution enables them to stay at the forefront of combat with ease, and also keeps their healing abilities strong. Wisdom, while not as important as the other two, ensures that a seal clubber will be able to put some of their skills to better use.
The class skills for the seal clubber are Climb (Str), Craft (Int), Handle Animal (Cha), Heal (Wis), Intimidate (Cha), Jump (Str), Listen (Wis), Ride (Dex), Spot (Wis), Survival (Wis), and Swim (Str).
Skill points at 1st level: (4 + Int modifier) x 4.
Skill points at every other level: (4 + Int modifier).
The following are the class features for the seal clubber.
Weapon and Armor Proficiency:
The seal clubber is proficient with all simple and martial weapons, as well as up to medium armor and shields.
Seal Clubbing Frenzy (Ex):
A seal clubber can fly into a clubbing frenzy a certain number of times per day. In a clubbing frenzy, a seal clubber temporarily gains a +4 bonus to Strength, a +4 bonus to Constitution, and a +2 morale bonus on Will saves, but he takes a -2 penalty to Armor Class. The increase in Constitution increases the seal clubber’s hit points by 2 points per level, but these hit points go away at the end of the clubbing frenzy when his Constitution score drops back to normal. (These extra hit points are not lost first the way temporary hit points are.) While raging, a seal clubber cannot use any Charisma-, Dexterity-, or Intelligence-based skills (except for Balance, Escape Artist, Intimidate, and Ride), the Concentration skill, or any abilities that require patience or concentration, nor can he cast spells or activate magic items that require a command word, a spell trigger (such as a wand), or spell completion (such as a scroll) to function. He can use any feat he has except Combat Expertise, item creation feats, and metamagic feats. When a seal clubber in a clubbing frenzy is in melee combat with a creature (has attacked them with a melee weapon and can still do so) and the creature is one size smaller than the seal clubber, the seal clubber gains +2 to hit and deals +4 damage, at the cost of another -2 to their Armor Class. A fit of clubbing frenzy lasts for a number of rounds equal to 3 + the character’s (newly improved) Constitution modifier. A seal clubber may prematurely end his clubbing frenzy (unless they are granted a bonus for being in melee with a smaller creature). At the end of the clubbing frenzy, the seal clubber loses the clubbing frenzy modifiers and restrictions and becomes fatigued (-2 penalty to Strength, -2 penalty to Dexterity, can’t charge or run) for the duration of the current encounter (unless he is a 17th-level seal clubber, at which point this limitation no longer applies). A seal clubber starts with a single clubbing frenzy per day, and gain an additional use every three levels (4th, 7th, etc).
Hide of the Otter:
A 2nd level seal clubber has begun the first of their skills that relate to creatures of the wild, the Hide of the Otter. This grants the seal clubber a +1 natural armor bonus when wearing medium or light armor (and when not carrying a heavy load).
Claws of the Otter:
At 3rd level, a seal clubber gains +1 to damage whenever they use a club or greatclub, having studied the clam-bashing skill of the otter.
Tongue of the Otter (Ex):
Upon reaching 5th level, a seal clubber learns to mend their wounds to a degree by licking them. Once per day, by spending a minute licking their injuries, they may recover hit points as if resting for 8 hours (1 hit point per level).
Thrust Smack (Ex):
A seal clubber of 6th level or higher has mastered the offensive art of the thrust-smack. Whenever they wield a club or greatclub, they may attempt a thrust-smack on a foe. If they hit, it is automatically counted as an unconfirmed critical hit. The seal clubber gains more uses per day of the thrust smack at every third level (9th, 12th, etc).
At 7th level, the seal clubber learns the secret to meatsmithing weaponry of a higher caliber. To start with, a seal clubber must procure both an amount of meat weighing at least 100 lbs. (freshness, while recommended, is not necessary) and a chunk of ore from a special, unorthodox material (such as chrome, asbestos, or linoleum). They must make a Craft(weaponsmithing) check with a DC of 20 to fortify the meat with the ore. Afterwards, they can use the fortified stack to create weaponry with unique qualities (listed below).
(I'm looking mainly to change the effect of chrome weapons. Linoleum I'm fine with, and asbestos, although rather clunky, works fine. I'll add prices soon.)
Eye of the Stoat:
By emulating the superior eyesight of the stoat, a seal clubber of 9th level or higher has learned to make their attacks count. When rolling to confirm a critical hit, they may roll twice, taking the better of the two rolls (this also applies to Thrust Smack). Similarly, when avoiding a fumble, they may roll twice, taking the better of the two rolls. Additionally, they gain a +2 bonus to hit whenever using a Thrust Smack or Lunging Thrust Smack.
Hide of the Walrus:
Upon reaching 10th level, the seal clubber has improved their natural armor bonus to +2 while wearing medium or light armor and not carrying a heavy load, having reached a mastery of defense akin to the mighty and weighty walrus.
Claws of the Walrus:
At 11th level, the bonus to damage when wielding a greatclub or club raises to +2, due to the study of the fearsome face-claws of the walrus (or tusks, as some people say).
Tongue of the Walrus (Ex):
Seal clubbers of 13th level or higher may now recover more hit points with the Tongue of the Walrus. They may now spend a minute licking their wounds once per day to recover hit points as if resting for a day (2 hit points per level).
Lunging Thrust Smack (Ex):
At 14th level, the seal clubber has improved their mastery of the thrust smack. When using a thrust smack, the seal clubber may declare it to be a lunging thrust smack, and by expending an additional per day use of their thrust smack ability, the critical multiplier for their weapon is improved by one step (x2 becomes x3, x3 becomes x4, etc) for the purposes of that thrust smack.
Rage of the Reindeer:
Upon attaining 15th level, the clubbing frenzy of the seal clubber now speaks for the cruelly tortured reindeer, and incorporates their fearsome rage. The bonuses to their clubbing frenzy rise to +6 (for Strength and Constitution), +3 to Will Saves, and +3 to hit and +5 to damage when fighting a creature one size smaller or less than them. The penalties remain the same (-2 AC normally, an additional -2 AC when fighting small creatures in melee).
Double-Fisted Skull Smashing:
A seal clubber of 17th level or higher gains the Two-Weapon Fighting feat for free. If they already have the feat, they may instead receive a bonus feat for which they already qualify.
Northern Exposure (Ex):
Seal clubbers at 18th level have properly prepared from their years in the frigid Northlands, and can therefore handle cold temperatures easily. They gain cold resistance 10.
Musk of the Moose (Sp):
By 19th level, the seal clubber has learned to mimic the strong scent of the moose, and can create an identical scent via hormones once per day by concentrating. While they maintain concentration, creatures within 300 feet must make a Will save (DC 10 + half of the seal clubber’s level + Constitution modifier) or be drawn to their position. This is a mind-affecting charm effect, and a creature who has made a successful save cannot be affected by that seal clubber’s musk of the moose for 24 hours.
A drawn victim walks toward the seal clubber, taking the most direct route available. If the path leads into a dangerous area (through flame, off a cliff, or the like), that creature gets a second saving throw. Captivated creatures can take no actions other than to defend themselves. (Thus, a fighter cannot run away or attack but takes no defensive penalties.) A victim within seeing distance of the seal clubber will usually attack, having realized that they have been fooled. The effect continues for as long as the seal clubber concentrates (up to their Constitution score) and for 1 round thereafter. For this duration, the seal clubber can be detected by scent from anywhere within the area of the ability (enabling intelligent creatures with scent to possibly avoid the effect).
A seal clubber of 20th level has gained an intimate knowledge of the art of brutally smashing things to tiny bits, and can now use this to dismantle magic items. By making a Craft(weaponsmithing) check (DC 10 + caster level of the item), they automatically destroy the item. Intelligent items get a Fortitude save (DC equal to the Craft(weaponsmithing) check of the seal clubber) to resist. A successful save prevents the seal clubber from pulverizing the item for one day.
When pulverized, some magical residue is often left behind in the form of edible bits of energy. What type of energy is determined by what the item does:
- If the original item does damage of a certain energy type (or, if not in KoL energy, fire or cold damage, charm or compulsion effects for sleaze, fear or death effects for spooky, and poison effects or ability damage for stench) the pulverized item shares that energy type.
- If the original item protects from a certain energy type (see above), it grants the pulverized item an energy type according to the following:
- Protection from fire (hot) grants either stench or sleaze
- Protection from cold grants either fire or spooky
- Protection from fear or death effects grants either fire or stench
- Protection from poison or ability damage grants either sleaze or cold
- Protection from charm or compulsion grants either cold or spooky
- If neither condition is met, it grants a twinkly item.
Additionally, the caster level of the item affects what type of item you get. Items with caster level 8th or lower enchantment grant powder, 16th or lower grant nuggets, and anything higher grants wads. The qualities of the items are listed below. Pulverizing an item takes 8 hours (you must thoroughly smash it to get any benefit).
(I'm worried about the implementation of this skill, as well as the effects of wads, listed below. I just don't think it accurately uses the abilities of the wads.)
To change the seal clubber to a ten-level prestige class:
- To find the new level for class abilities, divide the current level in half
- Requirements are Weapon Focus (club or greatclub), Craft(weaponsmithing) 8 ranks, rage ability
- Change Seal Clubbing Frenzy to add the size-dependent ability to the existing rage of the character, and add additional uses for every three levels of the PrC
- Remove all the Otter abilities
- Rage of the Reindeer only amplifies the seal clubbing frenzy effect, but with +4 to hit and +6 damage
For those of you that want chrome, asbestos, or linoleum weapons:
Chrome is a rare ore that can be found deep within the mines of the Big Mountains. On its own, it is very difficult to work into a metal weapon, and must be meatsmithed by a trained seal clubber first (see Super-advanced Meatsmithing, above)
Due to the excessive shininess of a chrome weapon, it is possible to attempt to blind a struck creature. A creature struck by a chrome weapon must make a DC 12 Reflex save or be blinded for 1 round. Methods that help a creature avoid gaze attacks are effective against chrome weaponry.
Chrome has 10 hit points per inch of thickness and hardness 15.
Linoleum is a rare ore that can be found deep within the mines of the Big Mountains. On its own, it is very difficult to work into a metal weapon, and must be meatsmithed by a trained seal clubber first (see Super-advanced Meatsmithing, above)
Linoleum is notable for its ability to channel magical energy. While wielding a linoleum weapon, all spells cast by the wielder have a +1 bonus to the save DC.
Linoleum has 15 hit points per inch of thickness and hardness 8.
Asbestos is a rare ore that can be found deep within the mines of the Big Mountains. On its own, it is very difficult to work into a metal weapon, and must be meatsmithed by a trained seal clubber first (see Super-advanced Meatsmithing, above)
Asbestos weaponry is significantly flame-retardant. Asbestos weapons suffer only a quarter of the original damage from fire and heat attacks (as per objects and cold damage), and cannot be heated by heat metal. However, enchanting an asbestos weapon with the flaming or flaming burst enchantments add an additional enhancement point to the cost.
Asbestos has 20 hit points per inch of thickness and hardness 5.
Powder, Nuggets, and Wads
By pulverizing a magic item, high level seal clubbers can create tasty, bite-sized essences of magical power. These can either be used to improve other magical weaponry, or they can be used to grant temporary beneficial qualities to a recipient, much like a potion.
Powder is the weakest of the three pulverized essences. You can apply powder to your pants (or lower torso analogue) to grant them a temporary defensive benefit dependent on the type:
- Hot powder grants fire resistance 5 both to the pants and the wearer
- Cold powder grants cold resistance 5 to both the pants and the wearer
- Sleaze powder grants the wearer a +2 bonus to Will saves against enchantment effects (or sleaze resistance 5)
- Spooky powder grants the wearer a +2 bonus to Will saves against fear (or spooky resistance 5)
- Stench powder grants the wearer a +2 bonus to Fortitude saves against poison (or stench resistance 5).
- Twinkly powder grants a +2 deflection bonus to AC.
Powder can be scattered by any attack or by wind, and has no HP or AC (too insubstantial). Applying powder to your pants is a standard action. The powder takes effect immediately and lasts for 1 minute. Using powder provokes attacks of opportunity. A successful attack (including grappling attacks) against the character forces a Concentration check (as for casting a spell). If the character fails this check, she cannot apply the powder.
Nuggets are slightly stronger than powder, and are more substantial. They can be applied to a weapon in the same fashion as powder is applied to one’s pants. This grants the weapon the following qualities:
- Hot nuggets grant the weapon the flaming quality.
- Cold nuggets grant the weapon the icy quality.
- Sleaze nuggets grant the weapon the power to skeeve people out (or enable the weapon to deal an extra 1d6 points of sleaze damage a la flaming or icy). Anyone hit by a weapon affected by sleaze nuggets must make a Will save (DC 15) or be stunned for 1 round. This is a mind-affecting compulsion effect.
- Spooky nuggets grant the weapon the power to scare opponents (or deal 1d6 points of spooky damage). Anyone hit by a weapon affected by spooky nuggets must make a Will save (DC 15) or be shaken for 1 round. This is a mind-affecting fear effect.
- Stench nuggets grant the weapon the power to overpower the opponent’s nostrils (or deal 1d6 points of stench damage). Anyone hit by a weapon affected by stench nuggets must make a Fortitude save (DC 15) or be nauseated for 1 round. Creatures without a sense of smell are immune to this damage.
- Twinkly nuggets allow a weapon to deal an additional 3 points of damage with each strike they make.
Nuggets have AC 13, 1 hit point, hardness 1, and a break DC of 12. Applying them works the same as applying powder, and they also last for 1 minute.
Wads are the strongest of the three possible items one can acquire from pulverizing a magic item, and are difficult to create due to the power needed from the item. Unlike with nuggets or powder, wads are ingested by the user to grant several beneficial effects. The effects generally amplify one of the user’s ability scores as well as providing additional KoL elemental damage and resistance.
- Hot wads enable the user to wield any weapon (or fight unarmed) as if the attack had the flaming quality, grant fire resistance 10, and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Strength.
- Cold wads enable the user to wield any weapon (or fight unarmed) as if the attack had the icy quality, grant cold resistance 10, and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Constitution.
- Stench wads enable the user to wield any weapon (or fight unarmed) as if said attack was affected by stench nuggets (see above), grants a +2 bonus to Fortitude saves against poison (or stench resistance 10) and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Wisdom.
- Spooky wads enable the user to wield any weapon (or fight unarmed) as if said attack was affected by spooky nuggets (see above), grants a +2 bonus to Will saves against fear (or spooky resistance 10) and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Intelligence.
- Sleaze wads enable the user to wield any weapon (or fight unarmed) as if said attack was affected by sleaze nuggets (see above), grants a +2 bonus to Will saves against enchantment effects, and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Dexterity.
- Twinkly wads enable the user to deal an additional 3 points of damage with each melee or ranged attack, grant them a +2 deflection bonus to AC, and grant a temporary +2 bonus to Charisma.
Wads are used by chewing on the wad (starting takes a standard action, but the effect is not received until the next round). This provokes attacks of opportunity, much like the use of a potion or other pulverized items. Wads have AC 13, 2 hit points, 2 hardness, and a break DC of 14. Like other pulverized items, their effects last for 1 minute.
Suggestions, criticism (not based on idea for the class, see above), harpoons appreciated.