-
Personal Woes and Advice 2
It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.
It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.
I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.
Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.
Please carefully read what follows:
THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD
The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.
Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.
1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules. If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea. Most relevant to this thread is the rule:
2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.
3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.
4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice thread.
5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.
6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.
7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!
8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.
9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.
10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."
And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety guidance for adults.
Original quote by MonkeyBusiness
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
PW:A 2 - Twice as Nice for Advice!
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
*yowls*
Erm...yeah, we'll go with that. Can't really explain...
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
So I missed the first incarnation of this thread. This thread also seems more fitting the the RW&A for most of my problems.
Edit: Or maybe this should be in the normal Relationship thread? I'm never quite sure as its not directly about relationships, but it isn't not about them either. Since its not really about finding or keeping a specific friend and the other thread always very much leans that way.
I don't think I post around here enough for anyone to remember my problems so I'll try to give some context.
I'm very much an introvert and I'm not that talkative with everyone. I've also been talking about this some with real friends.
And I'm sure this will get long and rambling as I try to fit in context and say what I want to say. Or I might just keep it really short.
The overview is that in many cases the more I do with other people the lonelier I get. I feel more alone in a group of people then I do sitting at home being actually alone.
The main reason is that it demonstrates how poorly I'm able to interact with other people. It really bothers me to see my friends act and seem more comfortable with people they've just meet (some very extrovert friends, and at least with the newest center of the issue only a friend for about 3 months now, and a woman but it was pretty clear dating wasn't going to go anywhere with us but we're friends now, but it also happens with quite a few other friends) then they are with me. Its both physically (hugging, casual contact sort of stuff) and conversationally, they seem more involved in interacting with everyone but me.
I know conversationally I just never know what to talk about and casual conversation is just not natural to me. And physically I'm... not uncomfortable with it, but I'm not confident in it either, and I know it at least subconsciously comes across. In fact I really want more of it, I want to get more used to it and get better at it but because I'm not already comfortable with it people avoid it with me and it just makes the problem worse. Sort of a self-replicating problem loop. Even me trying to initiate it myself doesn't work, with the side effect of me feeling like I'm imposing myself on others after a little while.
The other part of it is people tell me I need to "relax" and "loosen up" and I have no idea what they expect from me when they say that. As I feel plenty relaxed already and don't know what they expect me to do differently.
All of the problems seem to be self-repeating, that the fix for them is to not have them in the first place. And that trying to change myself is incredibly difficult in the first place and made all the harder by the (mostly unconsciously done I think) negative feedback I get from others by trying to act differently. It doesn't help that I'm about 10-15 years past the awkward teenage/college days where most people go through this so it seems more out of place and unexpected. Also at least one of the friends I'm trying to get help from for this is so extroverted that I don't think they can relate to the problem at all, but is also the only person locally I feel like I can talk to and has the best opportunity to actually help me with it.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
*Groan* I do not have a good feeling about this. One of my classes has a group project, a poster presentation, due next week. I did terribly on the first paper but very well on the second; I have an 89.5 in the class right now so I can get an A, but only if I get As on the rest of the assignments. On the last paper, the one I did well on, my two lab partners came running to me for the data at 10:30 the night before it was due and only started the paper that night, instead of working on it over spring break like a responsible person would (which I guess makes me responsible).
Since this poster is a group project, you can see why I was a bit nervous. I suggested yesterday that we all meet in the library for a couple of hours to work on it. Neither of them showed up. At least one of my partners had the decency to tell me she had gotten started on her part and wouldn't be able to show up. The other partner texted me incoherent and likely drunken responses every time I asked when or if he was coming. :smallannoyed: Instead of working on this group poster project, he got drunk. All day Sunday. And then texted me a half-hearted apology at 9:40 PM. :smallmad: I'm going to have a few...words...with him tomorrow in lab.
EDIT: Oh, and I was assigned these partners. And if he skives on his work, I'm going to make it very, very clear to the teachers that he did not contribute to the poster.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread
Spoiler
Show
I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eadin
Just going to repost this here, since it got lost in the switch to the new thread
Spoiler
Show
I just find that I am unable to deal with negative things, panic immediately and go into a sort of defensive mode which often results in me getting angry. I am pushing people away like that and I can't control my anger or panic attacks
Spoiler
Show
Anger Management and/or therapy should help
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Meh, shouldn't post this when there's people with actual problems needing attention, but whatever. :/
Spoiler
Show
I feel like I'm always going to be alone. I know, I keep pestering you with that same old crap, but every time, the result is always the same:
-I try something to escape depression
-I get hope
-I use that hope for a person/goal
-The other person/goal is unattainable or rejects me
-The hope was a waste of time
Every time, I'm shot down. Few even have the courtesy to shoot me down, preferring to just ignore me until I disappear. Just the other day, on a dating-like site, I had the courage to say hi to a woman. After a little chatting, I had to leave, but she said she'd love to chat with me again. Next time I'm on, she's deleted her account and gone. Just my luck, right? That was a big waste of time and certainly doesn't help me in thinking positively when I'm showed once again that it was fruitless. :smallmad:
Why even have hope? It never goes anywhere. If I do well at Uni, sooner or later, it's gonna be completely undermined by a crippling error or 20. If I ask someone out, they're going to either reject me or ignore me until I leave in shame. If I make art that I'm happy with, and want to show people, no-one will bother to give it a look, and even if they do, they won't comment or critique. :smallfrown:
What's the point? I'm obviously not worth anyone's attention. Then of course people will rush in to remind me I have plenty of friends. That's all well and good, but it's not much of a comfort to know the people who care are people I'll never reach or have any sort of closer contact with. :smallsigh:
I know.... "This bad mood will pass, Skep". I know. I also know it'll come back though in full force just like every other time. :smallannoyed: Why bother caring when I have no-one to turn to.....no-one to cuddle... and no-one to love.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
@ Coffee:
Spoiler
Show
This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.
My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.
@Erloas:
Spoiler
Show
Seems like you picked the right thread to me, as I think this more of a personal deal for you rather than a relationship one. You've recognised the problems quite accurately and seem to be approaching them with a certain distance as well, which is good as it keeps things in perspective. You mention an extrovert friend that you get along quite well with - I think you'd do well to spend more time with this person as they're slowly helping to bring you out of your shell. I think the trick here is to focus on having a small group of close friends - people you can feel comfortable around and trust. While in school/college we all hope to have thousands and thousands of friends, as time wears on you tend to drift away from most of them and those people you truly count as friends will be with you for years to come. I'm only in contact with a couple of guys I used to go to school with but I've known them for about 25 years now (I'm 30) but I think of them as my brothers almost. So in a nutshell, work on improving the bonds you have and don't fret so much about forging new ones.
@ Eadin:
Spoiler
Show
Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.
This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.
Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?
@ Skeppio:
Expect a PM.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
Skeppio: You can't rely on other people to be your happiness. It will not work and when they leave, you will be back to square 1. You must be your happiness.
:smallconfused: I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.
Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
This is one of the first Secrets in my Playground Post Secret thingy:
Seems relevant...
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Hi everyone. I've been having difficulties lately. I wish it wasn't such an issue during exams... :smallsigh:
Spoiler
Show
I've always had an issue with trying to move on from past arguments, mistakes, or incidents I was involved in; however I've had a lot of difficulty lately trying to move on from a certain one that has happened about over a month ago. Every now and then I end up feeling like I'm completely over it, and then the next I'm in despair over the past issue. My mood swings in opposite directions frequently over this matter and it's been something I'm trying to get over, but have been unable to for awhile. I don't really have anyone to talk about it. My younger brother doesn't understand and my parents are rarely around due to full-time work, so I guess I've come to talk about it here if that's alright.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
What's the mistake, argument or incident?
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Skeppio
:smallconfused: I cannot fathom how that can work. Be my own happiness? If I'm still alone and lonely and everything, what point is there in being happy? It benefits no-one. And in that sense, it doesn't benefit me, because I know there's no purpose for it.
Simply put: I can't operate in a state of loneliness and isolation.
I didn't say that you have to be alone, I said that you cannot rely on someone else to be your happiness. Your post indicates that you're looking for someone else to pull you out of your slump. Stop. Forget about it. Only you can pull yourself out. Trained professionals can help, and appropriate medication may be necessary, but only you can pull yourself out. You cannot expect someone you haven't met yet to magically change things for you. You need to do that first, then go looking for someone to spend time with.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Serpentine
What's the mistake, argument or incident?
It was an argument, I bowed out before it became an incident or something worse. It was mostly a clash of ideas and opinions, probably misunderstandings too.
...Okay it's more than that if I'm going to be specific, but that's the general, loose, explanation in a sentence. :smallredface:
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Starsign:
Spoiler
Show
I've tended to dwell on the particulars of conversations and events for entirely too long and worried about what I said and did.
What I have found is that in reality most people really don't make nearly as big of a deal out of what you've said/done as you do. There are of course exceptions, but from the sounds of what you've written you didn't say or do anything really bad, just something you regret. Its probably not nearly as big of a deal for them as it is for you.
What I have also found, is that it is easier to simply talk to the person about it and get it over with. If they are a good friend they will talk about it, and from the sounds of it it wasn't anything to get them to instantly hate you anyway.
I've ended up saying quite a bit to friends which I really questioned whether or not I should have said, and the friends that are worth having have always still been there and have accepted me still.
Skeppio: (but also saying a lot about myself)
Spoiler
Show
The whole feeling lonely thing and how I handled it has put me in the situation I'm in now. Of course there were a lot of secondary aspects to how and why I handled it the way I did and I'm sure there are a lot of different ones for you as well. Since I don't know them I'll just tell you a bit of what I did and what I have learned since.
First, although sometimes it seems impossible, happiness and loneliness are *not* mutually exclusive. They are not opposites. The hardest part here is that not being happy makes it much less likely for people to be friendlier and more open with you, I don't think its intentional or even consciously done. But if you feel bad about yourself it sort of makes the problem worse, the hardest part by far is figuring out how to break out of that loop... and its what I'm still trying to figure out myself.
I think the biggest mistake I made in dealing with being lonely is that I started ignoring or even coming to resent some of the people and activities that I liked because they couldn't help me be less lonely. And in the activities side of things I felt they were making me unappealing, when in reality they were only unappealing to people that wouldn't like me anyway and that someone that would accept me would accept me if I was doing them or not.
What I have also come to realize over the years, and this took entirely too long for me to figure out, is that having good friends are much more important then having a relationship. And it can be hard to know ahead of time who is going to be a good friend and who isn't. One of my best friends now I had actually known for years but didn't take the opportunity to make her a real friend until last year. Another person that has became a good friend I'm really surprised about because we have nothing in common and are about as opposite as two people can be but still for some reason we are friends. The three people I like the most are all women but are all unavailable to me for various reasons (and I don't see that changing with any of them), the irony about it is that I'm both happier and more lonely when I get to hang out with any of them (rare for 2/3 as they are 1000 and 2000 miles away). I know 4-5 years ago I would have dismissed/ignored/not bothered keeping in contact with the most recent two because they were unavailable, but I realize now how stupid that would be.
What I have also learned from them is that I can make a mistake, or 20, and they will still be my friends. What this also means is that I can make mistakes with other people and, if they are worth the effort, they will still be there after the mistakes. The "if they are worth the effort" is the key though, there will be a lot of people that aren't worth the effort, and its actually hard to tell who those people are until you've made the mistakes and find out if they are still around or not afterwards.
I don't know if any of that is any real help. But the main point is that you have to be happy with what you DO have and keep looking. The worse thing you can do (which is what I did) is to stop looking, stop trying, and shut yourself away from anything that makes you feel lonely.
As an aside, I would also recommend exercise. It really is a cure-all for so many problems. It will make you feel better in many ways. It will also give you more opportunities to meet other people. And making yourself feel better will also make others feel better about you.
myself:
Spoiler
Show
Take what I said to Skeppio and read what is implied there in. And note that its much easier to realize what I need to do then to be able to do it myself. I'm pretty sure I know what my problems are, I think I know what I need to do to fix them, but at times I'm still having an incredibly difficult time actually doing it.
I've found a few times when my social problems seem to just vanish and I do great with other people. Its really inconsistent though and not something I can replicate. Even the same people on different days it sort of comes and goes.
Like last night I meet the new instructor at the gym and I talked to her a decent amount. I know some of it was having obvious context of what to talk about, but there is more to it then that... I just can't really recognize what all was different. So I don't really know what to do to replicate that later.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
@ Coffee:
Spoiler
Show
This isn't the first time you've had this problem, is it? I vaguely recall that you had another freeloader on an earlier project of yours. I can't help but wonder whether someone's playing a game here of sorts. Whether the teachers are hoping that by working with a good student like you, that you'll somehow motivate Captain Slacker to get off his backside and do some work. The other possibility which leaves a deeply cynical taste in my mouth is that the teachers *know* Captain Slacker is a screw up and *have* to put him with a good student in order to get his sorry self a passing grade of some sort.
My advice would be to keep an exact record of all that he says and contributes to the group and work more with the other person that seems to be making an effort. Then if he has the nerve to kick up a fuss, simply show the teachers the record of his contributions (including the texts) and they will have no choice but to do something.
Oh believe me, I'm keeping an exact record. I've got all the texts saved, I'm making a chart of who said they'd do a part of the project versus who actually did it, I'm going to very meticulous on it. And no, we were grouped together randomly.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
@ Eadin:
Spoiler
Show
Hmmm. I went through a phase of this myself when I got my first job as a student Audiologist. I had a hell of a lot riding on me - it was my first proper job from college, my parents had been crowing about how proud of me they were, blah, blah.
This didn't help. Not one bit. What happened was that I became horribly afraid of failing. Every time my boss called me into her office I was mortally terrified that she was going to fire me or start shouting - it sent my brain into the most horrific spiral of depression and I wasn't exactly Mr Sunshine to begin with...What happened was that I became "lazy", for want of a better word. I knew that if I attempted something, I'd fail and people would be upset/angry with me and so it was safer not to attempt in the first place and that's when I felt the same as you did - panic attacks, snapping at anyone that put even the smallest pressure on me to do something, even if it was just meeting up on the weekend.
Do you think it could be tied to a source of stress somewhere or is it something else?
Spoiler
Show
My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Today I started testing Ritalin for my ADHD, since all other tests didn't show any signs for other physical or mental problems. Took the first one 15 minutes ago and now anticipating if I will notice any effects. :smallbiggrin:
Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool. :smalltongue:
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eadin
Spoiler
Show
My school is not going well, and my family expects a lot from me. A friend I care deeply about is sinking further into depression and growing more colder and distant by the minute and I can't seem to help them, they fade away from me.
It seems I am unable to do anything I really wish to do.
I have come to hate myself for not being good enough for those I care about..
*hugs*
You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, sweetie. Between the expectations of your friend, your family and your own self, no wonder it's getting to you.
If it's okay, can you tell me a little more about each individual bit:
@School
@Friend
@Family
It'll be easier to come up with a solution if you break it down into different bits. Helping someone with depression is hard because even the most cheerful person in the world will have trouble coping. One thing you have to do hun is set aside time for yourself and give your brain a chance to recharge. It doesn't matter how you do this, whether its gaming, reading, listening to music or even just getting a week of early nights to top up your sleep. But you have to do this. You won't be able to help your friend if you're feeling blue yourself.
With the other two, treat what goes on at school as your own affair. The time you set aside to do the coursework and what not is time *you* want to set aside - not because your teachers expect it, not because your folks expect it but because you want to cross off a little bit of work from your to-do list. The other thing is, if you're feeling stressed at school, the people that will most likely be able to help are your teachers, rather than your parents. Better yet, if you have a couple of friends doing the same courses as you, organise homework nights together. Get some drinks and some nibbles and then do some work together for just a couple of hours and follow it up with a movie or something afterwards.
The point is, I reckon you'll find you can do the work a lot more easily without a whole bunch of folk breathing down your neck.
@Yora
It's been a while since you've posted here which I'm going to take as an encouraging sign. :smallsmile: I hope the new medication works out for you.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Yora
Also, the IQ test I took among many other indicated an IQ of 134. I'm not sure if it was a complete test and based on what standard, but that'd be roughly entrance level for Mensa, which I think is pretty cool. :smalltongue:
First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).
Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
So...graduate school. Grr.
The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.
And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.
I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
So, I've tried dealing with an identity crisis of sort, but this time, I don't know what to make of it.Spoiler
Show
I'm Jewish through my late father (which should not actually make me Jewish at all given the way it works, I know). He hated his family (and turned that hate into antisemitism), and as a result, didn't introduce me to Jewish culture or anything related. Whenever I would visit his family, I wasn't able to understand most of these cultural references, which widened the gap between us (probably led them to think I was a terrible cousin/niece and act on their greed later without remorse, but that's another story for another time). I only regret it today because it made me unable to relate to my grandmother (a very Jewish woman who barely escaped the Shoah and lost all her family in the process); much like my father, I don't want anything to do with his side of my family anymore.
Also, I'm atheist. All of this should mean that I am not Jewish.
However, whenever I hear an antisemitic joke, I'm hurt and feel personally insulted. Whenever Jews are targeted by racists, I'm afraid for my well-being, because I know that these people don't really care about my beliefs or culture, only about my last name and origins. I don't actively describe myself as Jewish, and yet, I take personally all the negativity.
The Jewish identity is a complex thing, more complex than most other religions where your faith is the only important factor, and more complex than most ethnicities, where genealogy, and sometimes looks, are clearly the determining characteristics. That much I've been told by several sources. Doesn't help a lot.
So, basically, I only seem to identify as Jewish on a subconscious level when I can be offended by things. That can't be right. I want to separate myself from that identity, as I am not a believer, and I'm not particularly interested by it, but I don't know how to do it. There's nothing I do that can be tied to it (I did research WWII, because my grandmother, who's still living, was directly affected by it). Well, I'd like to visit my grandmother sometime, but I really don't want to risk meeting her descendants again, or have her reveal anything about me; can't get closure through her or assure her I haven't forgotten her. Yes, I know, I'm a terrible granddaughter. Maybe my dilemma is linked to that situation.
TL;DR: not a big issue, but a chronic one.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
There hadn't been any new developments except for doing more tests before getting the results today. Since there's lots that indicates to ADHD and we pretty much ruled out anything else that would commonly create the same symptoms, we're now checking if ADHD medication does the job. If it does, then it's probably the cause. If it doesn't work, we'll have to start looking for more exotic causes. But I am quite confident.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
First, Mensa entrance isn't based on the IQ score, as it's different for every test, but based on the percentile. You need to be in the 98th or higher percentile (higher than 98% of the population, aka top 2%).
Mensa also doesn't accept every test. What test did you do and what percentile score did you get?
I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Yora
I actually don't care at all for Intelligence tests and just looking at them always makes me doubt the methodology. Also smartness doesn't work that way. I just made an online test for fun, which got me 121, which would put me in the top 8%, while 134 would be in the top 1,2%. When I was 13 or so, I made one that got 104, which would be the top 40%. Yay! You'd probably have to make a dozen or so tests based on different standards and then average the results to get a somewhat clear final result. And even that just tells you how good you are at the tasks the tests are made of.
And yeah, having another accute phase of snarkiness today, Mensa is a stupid club. There are people who have special needs because they develop so much faster than other children that makes it difficult to aquire proper social skills and integrate socially, but I think that's a lot less people than the top 2%. They don't need support groups.
You could have an IQ of 147 and not be in the top 2%, or you could have an IQ of 130 and be in the top 2%. The IQ score you quoted is absolutely meaningless unless you know the test.
And yes, every IQ test has biases. Which is why Mensa delivers two different tests if you sit one of their sessions. You only need to get on the 98% percentile on one of them.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
WarKitty
So...graduate school. Grr.
The thing is, I really am in a place where I have to be perfect. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. I'm in a hugely competitive field where maybe only a third to a quarter of us who start here will finish. Given that there's such an overwhelmingly greater number of candidates than spots, any weakness is a reason to reject someone. Not to mention that impressions really do matter here - how good of an impression you make can literally determine whether you have a chance.
And I'm effectively stuck trying to stay at the top while managing multiple health problems. I'm tired of it. I'm not being seen for my skills, I'm being seen for my health problems. I'm not even getting a chance to address my health problems, because my work/school takes up so much time and energy, but my job is tied to my staying in school, and there's really just not much else available that would pay the bills.
I'd be happy if I could compete fairly. Even if I lost. What I'm not happy about is losing based on perfectly treatable, temporary issues that could be addressed if I could just find the time and money without having it all sucked away.
I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
WarKitty
I guess my whole frustration is that the system seems designed to "weed out" people who don't fit into narrow and often arbitrary standards, instead of providing support. Which means it's basically impossible with any sort of disability or extra stuff going on.
You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
You know, most universities have a disability office. You should look into it and register with them, they can help you out with things (should you need them) like extensions, changing exam times, extra time in exams, getting an examination room all to yourself, reducing your workload, and putting you in contact with the right people to help you. Obviously you may not need all of those things, and they can usually do more than that, but those are some examples.
Honestly I don't think it'll help with my concerns. And I'm afraid to be considered disabled, because there's a significant attitude of "why would we take a disabled candidate when there are so many more clamoring to get in." Special treatment and all that. We don't even have exams at this level. Extra time on papers is easy to get, but it generates a backlog and I end up getting further behind. And a large part of my problem is that I miss all the stuff that's technically extra-curricular, but also completely necessary if you want to get anywhere. Plus I'm just so concerned about making a good impression, I want to "get top-quality work done", not just "get the work done." It's hard to explain if you've never been in that environment, but probably a majority of the determiners of who does or doesn't get to go on are in stuff that's not technically requirements.
What I really need is a year off, but then I don't have anywhere to go.
Edit: I actually tried that at undergrad. Lots of work and time wasted to get told "we can't do anything for you." It's not just that I don't need *all* those things, it's that none of the stuff I need seems to be on the list of what they address.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I can understand why you would be afraid to be seen as "disabled", but honestly, the university doesn't care. Quite the contrary, they want to see you succeed and will usually do their absolute best to see you through and get you to the next level. Some even have special openings only for those with a disability, in order to allow those who would be excluded because of their disability, but otherwise meet the requirements, to gain entrance.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
I can understand why you would be afraid to be seen as "disabled", but honestly, the university doesn't care. Quite the contrary, they want to see you succeed and will usually do their absolute best to see you through and get you to the next level. Some even have special openings only for those with a disability, in order to allow those who would be excluded because of their disability, but otherwise meet the requirements, to gain entrance.
Again, it's a little hard to explain. Two things here:
(1) The university has no control over whether I get to the next level, since I would have to go somewhere else for that. It's all up to impressing an admissions committee somewhere else with my papers and references.
(2) Recommendations are BIG in my field. Seriously, the quality and opinions of your recommenders can make or break you. So it's a big deal if you can't impress the faculty in your department, at least enough of them to get your 3 letters (and we only have like 6, 2 of which don't share any of my interests). Opinion might be more important than actually completing your work, honestly.
Edit: In any case I'm just not sure what they'd do. I don't want extensions, I don't want less work, I just want to actually have the chance to get proper medical care for once!
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated. My students are clamoring for more information and assignments back before the finals, and I'm curled up trying to stave off a panic attack. I'm afraid - what happens if I can't write a final in time? Or get grades in? What happens when my students complain about not getting work back to study from? Why does all the financial aid have to be tied to teaching stupid intro classes anyway? I'm desperately behind on work, I've got the department chair fussing at me, and I just don't think I can do it.
One of my friends disappeared for a week around Christmas last year. Maybe I should try that - it seems to be the only way to actually get any help around here.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
So, just when I thought my life might start picking up, I lost my job. For a reason I can best describe only as bad luck. Which is hugely ironic, since it was Friday 13th. I thought these kinds of things only happen in movies.
Curiously, I don't feel that bummed out about it. Maybe because I instantly put some effort to find a place to continue in, and I already have a job interview coming up. So, it might be much less of a setback than I initially feared. But if I have to go through a third lapse of unemployment lasting six months or more, I swear I'll go postal. And I don't mean in the sense of working in mail delivery. :smalltongue:
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.
Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:
The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Yora
So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.
Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:
The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.
Yora, that's exactly what happens with me. Unless I'm thinking about it, I don't notice its effects until it's worn off and then there goes the focus...Also, I personally consider the lack of hunger and thirst a bonus; it helps me keep my weight stable.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Yora
So day one of my ADHD medication comes to an end.
Interestingly, I didn't notice any effect until about 4 hours later, when it's actually supposed to wear off. But I very much noted when it wore off about an hour later. From a 9 out of 10 in regard to my concentration, I'd now place myself at 2 or a low 3. I actually was 5 minutes in the kitchen and generally aimlessly wandering around my appartment between the last two sentences... *sigh* :smallsigh:
The only side effect I noted is the lack of hunger and thirst, which might become a bit of a problem.
Crap, I've just been wandering the room again! :smallbiggrin: Thank god we're finally starting the medication trial now. These will be interesting three weeks.
My advice would be to keep track of how your days go, and what effects you do/don't notice with them. Your psychiatrist should be able to adjust the medication and/or dosage much more effectively if you can give them as much detail as possible.
I'd also expect that seeing some effect on your first round of experimentation is a good sign. I don't know enough about that to know for sure, but it certainly sounds like a good sign to me.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
CoffeeIncluded
Yora, that's exactly what happens with me. Unless I'm thinking about it, I don't notice its effects until it's worn off and then there goes the focus...Also, I personally consider the lack of hunger and thirst a bonus; it helps me keep my weight stable.
While I did become a bit soft on the stomach, I don't have much there would be to lose. And the problem is that I used to eat very irregularly, with hunger really being the deciding factor for when I think I should eat something. Guess comming up with a planned schedule would be the best idea.
What suprised me is that once I've started eating late this evening, hunger did come within minutes. Which I think would match with what I read about Ritalin abuse in healthy people, that they still perceive things, but just don't care about it. It's as if once I started eating, my body was like "oh yeah, now that you mention it, eating would be a very good idea".
Today was only one tablet to check if I suffer from any immediate side effects. Unfortunately I still have to get an EEG, just to be sure the symptoms are not actually caused by another neural problem that would went ignored and left untreated because the ADHD medication supresses the symptoms. But since I've noticed the symptoms for over a decade and others for my whole life, and I had EEGs in the past, I don't think anything will show up, but better safe then sorry. But that means I have to be checked in my "normal" state and can start with the two week trial period only after that. First it's seven days with 5mg four times a day, then seven days with 10mg four times a day, and then we'll evaluate if I should get long term treatment and at what dosage. But given this evening, I think we're on track.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
*hugs*
You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, sweetie. Between the expectations of your friend, your family and your own self, no wonder it's getting to you.
If it's okay, can you tell me a little more about each individual bit:
@School
@Friend
@Family
It'll be easier to come up with a solution if you break it down into different bits. Helping someone with depression is hard because even the most cheerful person in the world will have trouble coping. One thing you have to do hun is set aside time for yourself and give your brain a chance to recharge. It doesn't matter how you do this, whether its gaming, reading, listening to music or even just getting a week of early nights to top up your sleep. But you have to do this. You won't be able to help your friend if you're feeling blue yourself.
With the other two, treat what goes on at school as your own affair. The time you set aside to do the coursework and what not is time *you* want to set aside - not because your teachers expect it, not because your folks expect it but because you want to cross off a little bit of work from your to-do list. The other thing is, if you're feeling stressed at school, the people that will most likely be able to help are your teachers, rather than your parents. Better yet, if you have a couple of friends doing the same courses as you, organise homework nights together. Get some drinks and some nibbles and then do some work together for just a couple of hours and follow it up with a movie or something afterwards.
The point is, I reckon you'll find you can do the work a lot more easily without a whole bunch of folk breathing down your neck.
@school:
Spoiler
Show
it's not that it's too heavy or the work load is too much, I just can't focus. I find it hard to study for the courses that bore me and am not interested in, while i get very good grades on what I find interesting. I also have no idea what I want to do for a living later, which complicates things ...
@ friendSpoiler
Show
managed to talk to them again, they were distant.
He has a lot of problems which I can't help with, and he doesn't want to admit he needs help, which leads to him shutting people out because he doesn't want to burden them. The big distance between me and them doesn't help.
@ family is all in all most of an annoyance. They are old fashioned and don't accept other opinions. They nag a lot but won't stop loving me. Won't stop nagging either.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eadin
@school:
Spoiler
Show
it's not that it's too heavy or the work load is too much, I just can't focus. I find it hard to study for the courses that bore me and am not interested in, while i get very good grades on what I find interesting. I also have no idea what I want to do for a living later, which complicates things ...
@ friend
Spoiler
Show
managed to talk to them again, they were distant.
He has a lot of problems which I can't help with, and he doesn't want to admit he needs help, which leads to him shutting people out because he doesn't want to burden them. The big distance between me and them doesn't help.
@ family is all in all most of an annoyance. They are old fashioned and don't accept other opinions. They nag a lot but won't stop loving me. Won't stop nagging either.
Hmmm.
@ School:
Spoiler
Show
This is one of the things that threw me for six when I left college. For years I had been aiming for a career in computing - it was a subject I was interested in, had a natural aptitude for and had selected my qualifications with that in mind. Then one Friday afternoon, I was working on an Access database and I was bored to tears and a thought popped into my head.
"I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life"
...and I shuddered and it twigged that doing something I enjoyed as a hobby as a career would suck all the fun and enjoyment out of it, especially if it wasn't a creative one. The point is, don't fret too much about careers and jobs in college as you are still exploring yourself and what you want out of life. My advice would be to work on the things that tickle your interest and show your family that this is the field in what you want to do. The other qualifications can take a back seat.
@ Depressed friend:
Spoiler
Show
As someone once said to me - you cannot take responsibility for someone else's happiness and you cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes the only thing you can do is listen when they're upset and even though you give them advice which seems the best in the world, odds are they probably won't act on it. Be there for him when he needs you but make sure your friends are there when you need them. When the depression really kicks in and he starts lashing out at the ones he loves and cares about, you will need a hug.
@ Family:
Spoiler
Show
Heh - from reading that hun, it sounds like part of you wants to hug them and the other half wants to brain them. :smalltongue: All they really want is to see you do well, so if you can show them you have a plan, they might ease off a bit. As I said above with the courses, if you can show to them that you're going to concentrate your efforts on areas A & B and say that while you're not giving up on C, you want to focus your energy and effort on an area that you know you can do well.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
Hmmm.
@ School:
Spoiler
Show
This is one of the things that threw me for six when I left college. For years I had been aiming for a career in computing - it was a subject I was interested in, had a natural aptitude for and had selected my qualifications with that in mind. Then one Friday afternoon, I was working on an Access database and I was bored to tears and a thought popped into my head.
"I'm going to be doing this for the rest of my life"
...and I shuddered and it twigged that doing something I enjoyed as a hobby as a career would suck all the fun and enjoyment out of it, especially if it wasn't a creative one. The point is, don't fret too much about careers and jobs in college as you are still exploring yourself and what you want out of life. My advice would be to work on the things that tickle your interest and show your family that this is the field in what you want to do. The other qualifications can take a back seat.
Spoiler
Show
I'm trying to do so, I just feel very sad I can't seem to find something I /really/ find interesting. I'm very good with languages yet the courses bore me or are too theoretical and my mind goes boom from information overload.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
@ Depressed friend:
Spoiler
Show
As someone once said to me - you cannot take responsibility for someone else's happiness and you cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes the only thing you can do is listen when they're upset and even though you give them advice which seems the best in the world, odds are they probably won't act on it. Be there for him when he needs you but make sure your friends are there when you need them. When the depression really kicks in and he starts lashing out at the ones he loves and cares about, you will need a hug.
Spoiler
Show
I know I can't, it's just that we made some sort of promise to try and make each other happy again. And I have come to depend on him a bit, because he actually did manage to make me a bit happier. Which why I hate it that I can't help him too.
And he has closed down completely, won't talk to me for weeks and when he says something it's cold and uncaring. I'm not sure what to do, but giving up on him is not one of the options. And the other friends, they don't even know I feel so bad. Reaching them is hard enough, and I don't feel like I can talk to them about these things.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Astrella
Interesting article, thanks :smallsmile:
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
I've started taking Ritalin now, and it's working quite well. The only real sideeffect I noticed is a very slight headache at some time, but not as bad that it would bother me, and I don't notice it most of the time.
The other thing is that the reduced sensation of pain seems to mostly take away my ability to feel when my legs are falling asleep. Which with my bony legs and the way I happen to sit happens quite easily when I don't shift a bit every couple of minutes, which I do less now that I don't notice it as much. I found out on the first day when standing up from my chair and immediately falling over because my legs didn't support me. Simply standing up first and then starting to walk instead of doing both at the same time seems to be doing the trick and I've been doing fine since then, but those two bruises will stay with me for a while. :smallbiggrin:
The positive effects are quite interesting. It's nothing dramatic (though I'll be doubling the dose next week to see how that works) and a gradual change, but now I can tell very easily if it has already kicked in or if it has worn off already. the most drastic change is in my field of vison: My primary vision narrows from about 120° to maybe 15 to 25° with everything outside this area becoming peripheral vision. It feels a bit like having massive blind spots on both sides of my field of vision, or similar to how it feels when you enter a dark area with only one eye adjusted to the darkness. That really is quite helpful in not noticing what's going on around me.
While it does not affect my eyesight at all, it also appears like I see things which I look it more clearly. It's not sharper or helps seeing smaller things or finer textures, but I guess the reduced field of vision allows more brain capacity to be spend on analyzing the data that I get. Really a bit weird and hard to describe. "Focus" really seems to be the word for it, though I don't see things sharper or bigger. It's also appearing a bit sterile though.
Probably most importantly, it's getting a bit more quiet in my mind. Like turning off the bubbles in a whirlpool. It's more tidy and calmer in my thoughts. Not dramatically, but I do notice when I concentrate on it. And I have to say, for the first time in close to 15 years, I once again felt bored. Nothing to do, nothing that I really felt like doing, and also searching for something to occupy me. The first two parts happen to me all the time, but usually there's enough activity in my head to not feel an urgent need for any stimulation. I think I can see how other people feel their ADHD medication reduces their creativity and even turns them into zombies. But right now, it rather feels like I am getting even a bit more creative, since my mind stays more focus on the idea and analyzing it instead of playing around with the idea more aimlessly.
For me it's no big cutrain being opened or a veil torn away, but I think my ADHD is relatively mild to begin with. Next week I'll be trying a whole week with double to dose to see how that turns out. I suspect it might be a bit too much and give my tunnel vision or make the world a bit too quiet and tidy for me.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
The Rainbow Mod: Thread re-opened.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
WarKitty
I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated..
I empathize and understand your frustration. I wish I could offer some advice or help. I graduated with a BA in English & Psychology, I did not get accepted at either of the two schools I applied to grad school.
While waiting to reapply I took the only job I could find working in a warehouse at the local Newspaper and I herniated a disc in my back. The more and more time has passed the farther away the goal of getting into Grad school and obtaining my Masters seems.
Is there any avenues of information you can look into? people in the field you wish to get into or grad students you could discuss your worries with?
Don't give up.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Spoiler
Show
Why? Why am I such a vile person? With no impulse control no matter how hard I try and how much I promise myself I'll be careful. All I ever do is ruin friendships through my own anger and stupidity.
More and more people grow sick of me. Because I can never do anything right. All I do is take out my anger on them and never trust them. All I ever do is make them feel miserable and worthless, because I'm full of nothing but self-hatred and spite and I take it out on them. They're wonderful people, and far more than I deserve.
I want to say how sorry I am to everyone. But the people who I desperately want to see this have either blocked me, or won't see it. :smallfrown:
I'm sorry to all of you. You were more than I ever deserved, and I'm sorry I screwed up every time and made you feel awful.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Once upon a time a small village lived on the shores of a mighty lake. Surrounded by forests and nestled in a valley, the lake was a beautiful sight and brought peace and serenity to troubled souls.
In the lake, there lived a water sprite and for many years she worked closely with the people of the village and had a special magic to help them. If a person needed a hammer, they would walk down to the lakeside and leave a screwdriver or a set of pliers on the shore. During the night, the water sprite would search the bottom of the lake and find what the people of the village needed. The next morning, the item would be there for them. In this way, the people of the village and the water sprite lived in harmony for many years.
Over the course of time, a city sprung up on the opposite side of the lake, populated by people that had heard tales about the quiet and prosperous village. The city people had a difficult life - unsure of themselves, stressed out and full of the woes that affect those that live in cities. The water sprite saw the people of the city and was moved by their unhappiness and she resolved to try and help them.
The people of the city were very different to the villagers. They were always angry and upset and constantly sought for the help of the water sprite and demanded more of her each time. A man might walk down to the shoreline with a broken pencil and demand beautiful calligraphy set and the water sprite would travel to the bottom of the lake to seek it for them, for that was how the magic worked. Yet with each trade, the lake grew colder.
The people of the village were worried. They hadn't seen the sprite for a long time and on the seldom occasions they did see her, she was exhausted and sad.
"Water sprite, why do you weep so?"
"I am trying to help the people of the city but they do not help themselves."
"They do not deserve your help - leave them to their misery."
But the water sprite could not, for the people of the city depended on her too much and if she were to leave them, they would starve and be lost. The people of the city stopped trying to trade items of equal value with the sprite and instead began dumping their waste and unwanted things in the lake. But the sprite was bound to return an item that would help the people of the city, for that was what they demanded.
Eventually, the lake froze over and the people of the village and the people of the city never saw the water sprite again.
******
This is a story that's stuck in my mind ever since it was told to me as a child. I never quite appreciated it until a few years back when I tried to help someone that was depressed.
Skeppio - I am trying to help you, but the lake is growing cold and I just need a little time to warm up again. I just need a little space for a bit.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Spoiler
Show
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
*story*
I understand. Those who pollute the lake don't deserve the water sprite's help. Just as all I do is pollute and ruin my friends.
"They do not deserve your help - leave them to their misery." No truer words have ever been spoken.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
:smallsigh:
No, you missed the point of the story. A friendship is a two-way deal. You have to help your friends as much as they help you. A friend is not a therapist, a friend is not a councillor, a friend is not a psychatrist. If you seek the help of friends, help them to help you.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Spoiler
Show
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
:smallsigh:
No, you missed the point of the story. A friendship is a two-way deal. You have to help your friends as much as they help you. A friend is not a therapist, a friend is not a councillor, a friend is not a psychatrist. If you seek the help of friends, help them to help you.
I'm sorry... I really am. :smallfrown:
I'm a horrible pitiful excuse for a friend.
I hope I can make up for it eventually.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Skeppio, the very first thing you can do towards making it up is to actually listen to what people are saying, not what you assume they're saying, or think they should or would be saying. What they are saying. Not every piece of criticism or advice regarding a change of behaviour means "I hate you, you're vile and disgusting, go die in a hole". If that were true, we wouldn't be bothering to give the advice or criticism at all.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Serpentine
Skeppio, the very first thing you can do towards making it up is to actually listen to what people are saying, not what you assume they're saying, or think they should or would be saying. What they are saying. Not every piece of criticism or advice regarding a change of behaviour means "I hate you, you're vile and disgusting, go die in a hole". If that were true, we wouldn't be bothering to give the advice or criticism at all.
Yes. The problem with giving help or advice to some people is that, even when they ask for it, they refuse to accept it, try to reinterpret what was said to mean something else, and point blank refuse to acknowledge what is right there in front of them - even when what they are saying in reply cannot logically be true. It can be very draining at times dealing with that and sometimes you just need to distance yourself from them to recover. The hardest part is making them understand that you don't hate them and that you're not putting them out of your life forever, but that you just need that time to recuperate.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Venting time, mostly related to stress...
Large confluence of events, basically. With a few redeeming factors, but 2 (out of 3) are also contributing to the stress at the same time. :smallsigh:
The good:
-Teaching is done for the semester. Just finished grading their finals this afternoon, now it's just submitting grades to my supervisor, discussing them with her, and finalizing them; a fairly simple task.
The bad:
-If I don't get enough done on my research soon, I'll be teaching again in the fall. I REALLY don't want to be teaching in the fall. Sadly, this is chemistry (synthesis), so "work harder" doesn't necessarily mean anything.
-I present my research to my advisor in 3 weeks. I have a few things I can present, but I'm not nearly as far as he (or I) want me to be. Not sure how that'll go down if I can't get some more progress made.
-I lost a good 75% of the material I was bringing up behind my front end this week. Went from likely being able to quintuple my front-end material (which means I can focus more on doing the new chemistry) to probably only being able to roughly double it.
-My entire lower body (knees, feet, hips) is acting up, to the point that I'll be starting PT soon to try to deal with that. General aches, soreness, and difficulty in standing for long periods is the typical effect of that.
-My best friend has retreated into his anti-world shell, which leaves his girlfriend (and myself, as best I can being 3000 miles away) to try and drag him out of that.
-My most effective method of stress relief (soccer) is largely restricted to lunch-time games, given when people are able to play. This might change as we get into the actual summer. That means losing an hour+ of research time (causing stress) in order to destress...
The "both":
-This weekend I'm driving out to NYC (~4hr drive) to see a friend who'll be there for a work conference (he lives on the opposite coast, so I rarely get to see him). I'll also get to see my aunt and uncle on that trip. It also means I lose a weekend of research.
-Next weekend I have a friend (again, west coast-er) who'll be in town from Friday until Tuesday. Really looking forward to seeing her, but losing a long weekend's worth of research time.
And, of course, this is in addition to the standard routine of do research, eat, sleep, maintain sufficient food supplies, laundry, etc.
tl;dr: I'm stressed. My main stress relief causes its own stress.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
@rogueboy: Yeesh. My condolences on your workload. :smalleek:
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Aaaaaand, now I'm sick today. Not so bad that I'm stuck in bed or anything, but enough that I'm losing another day of work :smallfrown:
Also, got an email from my teaching supervisor reminding me that I had volunteered to rewrite/edit a sample report in the next week or so. :smallsigh:
Does it never end?
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
General apathy and "meh"ness hitting me again. Revision I'm getting through, slowly, and while it definitely is making a difference (in that I can understand more than I did before [which was very little]) it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Games are starting to feel like a chore when I de-stress after work, but when I try and do anything else to de-stress that feels like a chore as well.
Keep feeling shattered all the time... despite sitting at home in front of a computer or a textbook all day. Not sure if that's just me finally crashing after a lot of excitement and fun, or if it's just my body going "eh, who cares?"
Pushing myself to keep doing things, keep myself busy - hoping it'll pull me out of this dip before I go too far in. Just gotta remember to not stop doing things because "I can't be bothered", not to give up on the work, and not drink alcohol while all this is going on.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
@Castaras: Seems like you do a lot of sitting. Do you do any physical activities, like running?
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Castaras
General apathy and "meh"ness hitting me again. Revision I'm getting through, slowly, and while it definitely is making a difference (in that I can understand more than I did before [which was very little]) it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Games are starting to feel like a chore when I de-stress after work, but when I try and do anything else to de-stress that feels like a chore as well.
Keep feeling shattered all the time... despite sitting at home in front of a computer or a textbook all day. Not sure if that's just me finally crashing after a lot of excitement and fun, or if it's just my body going "eh, who cares?"
Pushing myself to keep doing things, keep myself busy - hoping it'll pull me out of this dip before I go too far in. Just gotta remember to not stop doing things because "I can't be bothered", not to give up on the work, and not drink alcohol while all this is going on.
The alcohol thing depends on many elements. I completely agree you shouldn't drink any alone, but if you've got a couple of friends, it'd actually help if you went out with them and got tipsy a bit. It helps remove the pressure and the morning after should have you better by far. That is, if you don't actually waste yourself, that'd be bad.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Scotchland
@Castaras: Seems like you do a lot of sitting. Do you do any physical activities, like running?
Thinking about it, yeah... that's probably what's doing it for me. Since I got back from university I've done very little exercise. I'll see if I can get back to doing some wii-fit, methinks - should hopefully help. :smallsmile: Thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Ur-Quan
The alcohol thing depends on many elements. I completely agree you shouldn't drink any alone, but if you've got a couple of friends, it'd actually help if you went out with them and got tipsy a bit. It helps remove the pressure and the morning after should have you better by far. That is, if you don't actually waste yourself, that'd be bad.
Yeah... Alcohol even with friends, it depends on my mood to begin with. It enhances rather than changes for me. But thanks for the advice.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
*hugs* the Cas.
*writes prescription for ponies* :smallbiggrin:
But yeah, physical activity is a really good idea to blow the cobwebs out of your brain. Get up early and go cycle somewhere to watch the sunrise. Puts you in a marvellously productive state of mind for the day. I need to go and do that myself at some point...
Failing that, just go for a jog or something. Go dancing. Just do something physically exerting and fun.
-
Re: Personal Woes and Advice 2
Hey, I bet you guys thought that things were calming down with my roommate and hallmate, right?
WRONG!
So last night they both went out to party because they didn't have class until noon. I didn't. I had to wake up at 8:30 this morning because I have a quiz during my 10:00 class. My roommate came in some time between midnight and 1:30, and she didn't wake me up at all.
At 1:30 my hallmate drunkenly pounded on the door and everything went to hell.
They then proceeded to have a loud practically screaming conversation in the room, both of them in her bed, and when I told them to shut up and take it outside (okay, whining a bit because I have a quiz in an hour and they've been treating me like **** all year and I'm tired of it), they proceeded to turn on me. They, especially my hallmate, spent almost an hour mocking me, telling me to grow up and stop being a baby, and flat out saying that they didn't care that they woke me up, or that I have a quiz in an hour, or that I barely get any sleep anyway. Called me a bitch, said that I don't care about them, eventually I gave up and went to the convenience store next to my dorm to get some cheese sticks because I was also hungry and it's hard enough for me to fall back asleep as it is.
When I came back, my other hallmate was yelling at them for being so rude and waking her up and then taking it all out on me. I could go on but I...I just...I can't do this anymore.