-
Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solution
Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Five years old and growing. This isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.
Here are the basics.
The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.
Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.
#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).
#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.
#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)
#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.
#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.
#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.
#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.
#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.
A list - courtesy of Pheehelm
RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.
-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.
-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.
-We are not allowed to dispense advice that should be handled by a professional, including psychological or medical advice.
I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.
So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response
-Syka
Previous thread: Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time to Go Bar-Hopping
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Is the title apropos of something?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I'd have gone with a reference to Catch-22 as it's remarkably descriptive of many relationships and lack of relationships.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Is the title apropos of something?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
The Succubus
I'd have gone with a reference to Catch-22 as it's remarkably descriptive of many relationships and lack of relationships.
*cough*
That's exactly what it is a reference to.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
*cough*
That's exactly what it is a reference to.
I'm glad SOMEONE is keeping up :smallwink:
It would have been more explicit, but for the character limit on titles
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DeadManSleeping
Three years old and growing.
Five, actually. :smallwink: It be half a decade old, and ready for kindergarten.
I'm glad to see the thread still around. :) Apologies for the absence without warning, there has been a lot going on in my life (both good and stressful) the last while. I just haven't had the emotional ability or time to handle much beyond my real life at the moment.
Sadly, this probably does not signify an actual return as of yet. I'll try to keep an eye on it and pop in every now and again, though.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Syka! *gigantic blue furry hugs*
Oh wait, something on topic, a woe.
Girl I was crushing upon and I agreed that we're both way too busy with college at the moment to start anything, so we'd see in some time/when we'd both have more time. But now for her new degree, she'l be going to college across the country, we don't live in a giant country, but still, it sucks. Means from 30 min of travel time to see eachother, it's 5+ hours. She says she'l still visit/come back from weekends, but yeah..:smallsigh:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
5+ hours..in Holland?
buy a faster donkey:smallamused:
but yeah..I sympathize.
girl I wouldn't mind exploring opportunities with has been in Afghanistan for the better part of a year, will be there for another year and then probably move even further away.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I should, it's faster then the 4 1/2 hour of public transport+ half an hour of cycling from my home to the nearest trainstation :smallwink:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.
What is an OKC?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Pyromancer999
What is an OKC?
I "Think" it stands for OkCupid, which is an online dating site that is fairly popular by some of the singles in this thread ^^
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
OKCupid, one of the more popular online dating/meeting sites.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
is okc a purely american thing, or is it actually fairly populated here in europe too? I'd hate to create a profile and then find out that these parts are mostly a saussage fest...and a small one at that.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I'm in the UK. Reasonable numbers of girls do use it.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.
Congratulations are in order.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
As someone who's contacted like 20 people on OKC and had pretty much no luck, I guess I should say "congrats".
And don't worry about OKC being a sausagefest. You can search for females-only. It's a pretty "duh" feature.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
So, I live in my college's dorms, and we have co-ed floors. Which is fun and all, especially seeing as this super cute girl on my floor recently revealed that she has feelings for me. Thing is, I've heard that things like this can get nasty. Any advice?
p.s. I think I'm willing to try to make it work :smallwink:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Advice: Give each other space. You will be tempted not to, because you have so many opportunities to be close. Make sure you do not spend too much of your free time on each other. You will both grow to resent it. Additionally, avoid being a jerk. If she's well and truly crazy, there may be nothing you can do, but most people are fairly reasonable, and will not hate you forever if you are not a jerk. Your relationship may end up not working out, but you'll still be able to live near each other. If she turns out to be a jerk, try to be polite after your breakup. If she turns out to be psycho, get some help from your RA and your friends.
Also, use protection. Good protection.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
So I have a date for this Saturday. With the first girl I ever contacted on OKC. Just a friendly first-meeting coffee.
Ooooh, congratulations. :smallbiggrin:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DeadManSleeping
Also, use protection. Good protection.
this.
life is different for each of us. there are no sure-fire tips or strategies in these matters. just use common sense and talk to her if there's a problem. other than that, you'll have to figure it out on your own, and learn from your mistakes, like we all did. if it doesn't work, be honest about it with yourself and her.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Based on feedback from the last thread, here I am.
I fling out messages periodically, but I've only ever gotten two replies (one resulted in a meeting nearby, to overcome the whole initial 'is this person really Charles Manson' issue, the other seeming to go really well until it petered out over the weekend, unfortunately).
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
So this girl is either the biggest tease in the entire state, or she is signaling me as hard as she can without getting an air traffic controller involved.
Maybe both.
The problem is, I want more from her than I am likely to get. She is just trying to stay single and "have fun" while in college, and while there's nothing wrong with that...Well, there are girls who I could just "have fun" with without developing those icky complicating feelings. S is not one of them. And I am 98% certain that I wouldn't be the only guy she's "having fun" with. And that's prevented me from making a decision one way or the other; A very large part of me is telling me go for it, that she acts jealous when I talk about other girls, that it'll turn into a real relationship, and even if it doesn't, that I can't afford NOT to take a chance on her. A smaller, but equally persuasive part of me is telling me that, knowing full well what she is looking for, it would be foolish and borderline idiotic to go for it when it can only end in heartbreak for me.
Bah. :smallsigh:
Though in other news, another girl-type customer has recently begun talking to/flirting with me while I am at work. I don't see her every day, but when we do we always chat and laugh for way longer than is technically necessary for me to do my job and her to get her food. And from what I hear, she is available. This S situation may have resolved itself...:smallcool:
There are far too many beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girls out there who may actually return my affections for me to waste too much time pining over a girl who may or may not return my affections. Whatever happens with either of these girls, it'll be ok.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DeadManSleeping
use protection. Good protection.
If they're living in the same dorm, it's a little late to give her a fake name. :smalltongue:
Maeglin_Dubh: You're at a point right now where any attempt I could think of to improve it would risk losing your voice. Having both a voice of your own and a niche are good things. Heliomance may not be everybody's cup of tea, but he's good at targeting people who like his niche traits.
(Before anyone else here brings it up, being a nerd is not a unique niche. Being a nerd on the internet is like being a snowflake in a blizzard.)
If you've had your account for over two weeks, I might as well leave this link here. We're not exactly talking moderated, so understand that you'll have both trolls and people who are honestly misinformed. Still, there's good stuff there. Even without posting a thread of your own, seeing other people's threads/profiles and seeing what advice they're given can help you hone your own approach.
Speaking of which, if you tend to fall flat, it's always worth asking what sort of messages you send. Messages are at least as important as profiles.
Heliomance: If this is a brag thread now, there's a girl I started talking to last week. I've seen a lot of her since then. And I don't mean that I've been seeing her a lot.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.
If it makes you feel any better, that seems to happen a lot. :smallsigh:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Scotchland
If it makes you feel any better, that seems to happen a lot. :smallsigh:
I figure she's still kinda really awesome and amazing and stuff, it just means we ain't gonna be more than friends. Close friends even, maybe, but no more. Aw well. I can live with that.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
I figure she's still kinda really awesome and amazing and stuff, it just means we ain't gonna be more than friends. Close friends even, maybe, but no more. Aw well. I can live with that.
Well......They say that where there's a will, there's always a way. :smallamused:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
@Reluctance: You think you could take a look at my OKC profile?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.
Huh, its better than finding out they have a boyfriend, that way there is always a fleeting hope that they might break up and that then she might choose you.
Closure is nice.
That and the temptation to kill their partener :P
*i kid, i kid. please don't hurt me*
EDIT:
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Augulus
Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol
You dont know the half of it, my current crush shares my birthday and has the same name as my mother. :smalleek:
Still increadibly cute, and sexy, and a brony, and kinda sorta into Metal.
And she has a boyfreind :smallannoyed:
DM
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Augulus
Is it strange that the last three girls I've crushed on/been with all have the same name?? lol
An Abundance of Katherines, you say?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Sholos:
Spoiler
Show
Flipping through RWA 21 (which is typo'd in the opening post, when DMS cares to get around to it) to find your link, it sounds like your approach is what needs the most work. Describe some of your dates. This sounds like you need more than an updated sales pitch to make nice with the ladies. The underlying product might need work.
As always, giving a couple of sample messages might help. The best profile in the world isn't likely to help me if my messages are about the violent, debasing things I want to do to the recipient. I don't think yours are anywhere near that, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were overly dull and Nice Guy-ish.
The biggest thing with your profile is to be mindful of your competition. Meet
Daniel. I found him through your Similar Users. (You used to be able to see them on your own profile, which was helpful. C'est la vie.) Imagine I'm some hottie who has a thing for shy, geeky guys. Why would I spend a weekend with you over him? Once you understand the sheer volume of options available to - and presenting themselves to - any high-desirability partner, you start to grasp how much you need to stand out from the crowd.
But like I said before, share some initial messages and early date stories first. There's a lot more to landing a partner than making a good sales pitch. It's important, no question, but so is delivering a quality product.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Reluctance
If they're living in the same dorm, it's a little late to give her a fake name. :smalltongue:
Maeglin_Dubh: You're at a point right now where any attempt I could think of to improve it would risk losing your voice. Having both a voice of your own and a niche are good things. Heliomance may not be everybody's cup of tea, but he's good at targeting people who like his niche traits.
(Before anyone else here brings it up, being a nerd is not a unique niche. Being a nerd on the internet is like being a snowflake in a blizzard.)
If you've had your account for over two weeks, I might as well leave
this link here. We're not exactly talking moderated, so understand that you'll have both trolls and people who are honestly misinformed. Still, there's good stuff there. Even without posting a thread of your own, seeing other people's threads/profiles and seeing what advice they're given can help you hone your own approach.
Speaking of which, if you tend to fall flat, it's always worth asking what sort of messages you send. Messages are at least as important as profiles.
Heliomance: If this is a brag thread now, there's a girl I started talking to last week. I've seen a lot of her since then. And I don't mean that I've been seeing her a lot.
I'm not trying to brag, honest. Just wanted to share happiness gained from unexpected success :)
Course, judging from my track record, anythingthat develops will last two months, tops >_>
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
It's funny. I've noticed something over the past couple of weeks. Out of my... well, few friends, I've noticed that women will practically never initiate contact (I think 1 has initiated contact once over that period), while men on the other hand are very very likely to (at least 2 or 3 have initiated first if I haven't done it myself).
No idea if this is me or them or whatever. I just thought it was interesting -shrugs-
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Marillion
stuff.
I find that usually, when I'm not on the same page with the subject of my thoughts, be they thoughts of fun or something more serious... it's best to step away before I get hurt or worse, I hurt her.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.
Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
dehro
I find that usually, when I'm not on the same page with the subject of my thoughts, be they thoughts of fun or something more serious... it's best to step away before I get hurt or worse, I hurt her.
Pretty much. It's just kind of strange, how 3 months ago I only knew her by sight and now she's one of my closest friends. Good friends are hard to come by.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Course, judging from my track record, anythingthat develops will last two months, tops >_>
Hey, don't be negative :smallannoyed:. That's the worst possible attitude to approach a potential relationship from :smallyuk:.
:smallsmile:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Reluctance
Sholos:
Spoiler
Show
Flipping through RWA 21 (which is typo'd in the opening post, when DMS cares to get around to it) to find your link, it sounds like your approach is what needs the most work. Describe some of your dates. This sounds like you need more than an updated sales pitch to make nice with the ladies. The underlying product might need work.
As always, giving a couple of sample messages might help. The best profile in the world isn't likely to help me if my messages are about the violent, debasing things I want to do to the recipient. I don't think yours are anywhere near that, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were overly dull and Nice Guy-ish.
The biggest thing with your profile is to be mindful of your competition. Meet
Daniel. I found him through your Similar Users. (You used to be able to see them on your own profile, which was helpful. C'est la vie.) Imagine I'm some hottie who has a thing for shy, geeky guys. Why would I spend a weekend with you over him? Once you understand the sheer volume of options available to - and presenting themselves to - any high-desirability partner, you start to grasp how much you need to stand out from the crowd.
But like I said before, share some initial messages and early date stories first. There's a lot more to landing a partner than making a good sales pitch. It's important, no question, but so is delivering a quality product.
Okay, here goes. This is how it went with the first (and so far only) person I've managed to meet with from OKC.
First date I managed to land:
Spoiler
Show
We met at a local Baskin Robbins (I chose this after she mentioned she hadn't been in years) for ice cream. It was really simple, we just sat and talked about this and that for 4 and a half hours. All kinds of things, really, from stories about our cats back home to places we've visited to random childhood likes and dislikes. At the end of it (which was mostly one of us actually noticing what time it was), she said, very enthusiastically, "We should do this again!" I got her number and said I'd call her. This was on a Monday.
Second date:
Spoiler
Show
I was going to wait a couple days before calling her, but I happened to randomly run into her the very next day on the bus, so I took the opportunity to find out if she wanted to get together again before she left for the weekend. She agreed and we set a date for the next day at a local restaurant that she hadn't been to (I again chose). We met up, had dinner, and talked for a good three hours. Then I walked her home (aside from just walking her home, I live in the same direction and so would've walked that way anyways). We got back to her place and I asked if she wanted to meet again after she got back from her weekend. She agreed, but didn't have a good handle on what her next week was going to look like. I asked if Monday would be a good time to call, and said I'd call then when she said yes.
The weekend:
Spoiler
Show
So, I know I had said I'd call the next Monday, but I got talking with a friend who managed to land himself a girl (seems every other guy around me barely has to try to find someone...) and got to thinking maybe it'd be cool in the future to double date. Now, because I'm horrible with remembering to do things (moderate-to-severe ADHD), I texted her (the girl I went out with) and asked if she liked bowling. That was it, pure and simple. Didn't hear back from her, but I figured she was busy with her weekend. Monday comes along, and I wait until late afternoon to make sure I'm not interrupting a class to call. No answer, just goes to voice-mail. I leave a message asking her to call back and don't worry about it.
The week:
Spoiler
Show
Come Tuesday evening, she still hasn't called back or even texted, and I'm started to get worried. This is the start of a pattern with which I'm all too familiar in which the girl just up and vanishes with no regard to how it makes the guy feel. It's happened to me several times before, and hence I'm not feeling too good about it. I'm still refraining from calling because she's a fourth year chem major and even though I said that I'd call Monday, maybe she's busy or something. Some friends that night agree that I should wait a little bit. So I wait until Wednesday evening, a full two days (48+ hours) before calling again. Once again, it goes to voice-mail (not straight, but she didn't answer). I leave a short message asking how things are going and again asking her to give me a call back. Come Friday, there's still no response. I hop on OKC and find out that her profile is gone. At this point it's pretty obvious to me that she doesn't want to speak to me for some reason.
And so ended my brief flirtation with success.
As for my messaging, that gets interesting. I've actually had more girls message me initially than vice versa, so I must be doing something right, at least as far as initial messages go. This included the girl who I actually got two dates with.
Here's a very early message in our correspondence from me:
Spoiler
Show
I agree. I actually liked the slow beginning it had. I thought it felt more realistic that way. And Alan Tudyk was amazing as Alpha, of course. I thought they really had a neat concept adn I'm sad it got canceled.
I see your open to suggestions for books and you like sci-fi and fantasy. Have you read any of Terry Pratchett's Discworld? I highly recommend the series.
I saw you like cats. Do you have any here with you or back home?
Here's one I sent as an initial contact to another girl:
Spoiler
Show
Hello there. I was reading your profile and absolutely agree with your idea of a party. What other board games do you like? I'm also a regular player (pretty much every Friday night, actually) and am always on the lookout for new ones. Board games = awesomeness, so say we (my group of friends) all.
Here's an early message to yet another girl. The length of it was typical for our messages back and forth:
Spoiler
Show
There's another place down on Preston that's all about organic and vegan foods if you're looking for an easy-to-get-to place (there's a stop right near it on the Outer Loop). What kind of place is Lemongrass? I think I've seen it, just never been inside. You don't actually need a car, but it certainly helps and saves tons of time. The trolley and city bus system can get you a lot of places, though, including downtown.
My favorite Poe work is definitely the Raven. There's just something about reading it out loud that is really fun. Then again, reading most anything by Poe out loud is fun. I definitely remember the Black Cat, though I was always more upset about the cat (comes from my possibly silly level of love for the evil little critters).
I can't actually think of a top xkcd in my mind, but the tech support flow chart is up there. As for other comics, if you're at all a fan of D&D, I recommend Order of the Stick (though you don't really need to be a fan to enjoy the comic, just might not get all the jokes). Sluggy Freelance is excellent if you have the spare time (updating daily since 1997). Have you heard of Darths & Droids? It's taking the Star Wars films and treating them as if they're a roleplaying game gone wrong. DM of the Rings does the same with Lord of the Rings. They're both hilarious, and Darths & Droids actually manages to improve on the story in some parts (like Jar Jar being invented by a 10-year-old girl).
This one actually agreed to have lunch with me and seemed very enthusiastic about meeting up with a couple of groups I was already involved with, but nothing ever came of it... :smallfrown:
Of the 9 girls I've been in contact with, I only initiated contact with two of them. Most of them I exchanged in excess of 30 messages before things stopped happening. Three of them have since gotten rid of their profiles.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
All of these profiles being deleted... I need to ask two questions.
1) What happens if someone blocks you? Is it possible? Will it just ignore messages? Will it tell you? Will it show their profile at all? Will their profile appear to be "deleted"?
2) Were they perhaps fake accounts phishing for money?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rawhide
All of these profiles being deleted... I need to ask two questions.
1) What happens if someone blocks you? Is it possible? Will it just ignore messages? Will it tell you? Will it show their profile at all? Will their profile appear to be "deleted"?
I don't honestly know, but either way it's still an active avoidance of me, which seemed uncalled for given the circumstances.
Quote:
2) Were they perhaps fake accounts phishing for money?
If they were, they were certainly trying to take a long and inefficient route. I had fairly extensive conversations with them and money never came up.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
@Sholos: first thought was "maybe you misspelled bowling" :smalltongue:
Beyond that, it's hard to say. Maybe some drama you never knew about came up
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Starwulf
@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.
Agreed :smallsmile:. You don't know what's going on in her life right now, so it's probably best to just step back and wait and see what happens. If you don't hear from her in a week or two, then yes, she probably has found something else...
But don't let that get you down. Two massive conversations with someone you've just met? Don't worry about seeming awkward or anything on dates, you seem to be doing it right :smallwink:
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DeadManSleeping
@Sholos: first thought was "maybe you misspelled bowling" :smalltongue:
Ha! :smalltongue:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Starwulf
@Sholos: How long ago was all of this with the girl and the dates and the taking down of the profile? I'm wondering, because it kind of came off to me, as though she was just busy, and that she took down the profile because of you, but not because she was creeped out, but because she honestly felt a connection with you. You don't just have 2 3-4 hour conversations with someone you don't like or feel attracted to, that just doesn't happen man, not at all. The reason why I'm wondering how long it's been, is because I'm hoping it hasn't been that long at all so you can try contacting her again. Don't pull away from her just yet.
It's been a full 2 1/2 weeks now. :smallfrown:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.
Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Moonshadow
Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.
Eh. From what I've seen, women tend to be extremely judgmental anyway. Or at least more open about it.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Sholos
It's been a full 2 1/2 weeks now. :smallfrown:
:smallfrown: Well, nothing you can do except stop worrying about it. The point you need to take away is that you did extremely well at the dates themselves. If she's gone off, it's through no fault of your own--you didn't do anything wrong.
:smallsmile:
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Moonshadow
You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.
Also, unless you're smoking hot, aka supermodel levels of hot, you'll probably not get much more than 1 glance if that from a lot of women on there. Because as their last survey went, 80% of all women on the site thought the men on there were below average in the looks department or worse.
I believe it.
The site informs me that I've messaged more than 20 people. Of that, only two have replied.
It's to the point where sometimes I don't message interesting people, leaving them to be Schroedinger's Girl - so long as I don't message them, they can remain a potential reply, as opposed to when I message them and they ignore the message, like 18+ others.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
Turns out the girl I had have a crush on was is lesbian.
Edit: Past tense is lying to myself
This is turning into somewhat of a theme for me.
*hugs Gwyn* awwww.... I'm sorry
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eadin
*hugs Gwyn* awwww.... I'm sorry
It's actually a lot easier to deal with, actually, because it's like... If it was some other reason I would be all like "But whyyyyy doesn't she like me" angst, while this way I'm like "Oh, she just isn't into guys. Gotcha."
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Syka
Five, actually. :smallwink: It be half a decade old, and ready for kindergarten.
I'm glad to see the thread still around. :) Apologies for the absence without warning, there has been a lot going on in my life (both good and stressful) the last while. I just haven't had the emotional ability or time to handle much beyond my real life at the moment.
Sadly, this probably does not signify an actual return as of yet. I'll try to keep an eye on it and pop in every now and again, though.
SYKA! \o/ I've been meaning to contact you and ask where you are and how you're doing for months...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Reluctance
Poor Daniel's gonna get a whole lot of people looking at his profile all of a sudden, and won't know why...
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Trekkin
There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.
Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?
Can you show us what you usually look like, preferably including how you hold yourself, etc?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Moonshadow
You do have to realize that the vast majority of women on OkCupid are only there for attention and to inflate their egos due to the sheer number of men competing for their time.
I find that highly unlikely, or at the most exactly as applicable to the men on OKCupid :mad:
I've actually been pleasantly surprised by the large numbers of good-looking (by my measure), interesting guys on OKCupid. I've also messaged many of them, and responded to almost every message I've received (except messages that consist entirely of "hey" or "hi" or "hey sexy ;)", or from people who creep me out for whatever reason).
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Serpentine
I've also messaged many of them, and responded to almost every message I've received (except messages that consist entirely of "hey" or "hi" or "hey sexy ;)", or from people who creep me out for whatever reason).
Lady, that puts you in a severe minority. Do you want to see the metrics?
OKTrends on how women rate men
I can't find one on the rate with which women initiate contact vs. the rate with which men initiate contact, but given that the site measures female replies on most charts and male first contacts on most charts, I'd guess there's a bit of a discrepancy.
Now, do I think that means most ladies are there for the attention? No. That's a bit of an absurd conclusion, especially since male reply rates are percentage-wise no higher than female reply rates (EDIT: Okay, not true, apparently. Male reply rate is like 40% vs. female less than 30%). But the base points raised are valid. Ladies don't contact men enough, and they think we're ugly SOBs on average.
Of course, maybe we're just not wearing enough makeup.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I know I'm in the minority. But if you're* gonna start attacking and insulting all women on OKCupid for some trends, why are you trying to talk to them anyway? :smallannoyed:
*non-specific
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Trekkin Quoted
Spoiler
Show
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Trekkin
There's this weird thing that's been happening to me of late: people keep getting scared of me. My friends, my coworkers, cashiers, even people I just introduce myself to all react oddly, in little ways. They get quiet and reserved and oddly twitchy. I've asked said friends about it, and apparently I just seem "intense" or "scary" or "intimidating", with all attempts at elaboration rapidly devolving into apologies for being unable to explain. It's apparently not communciable through texting, though.
Now, as much as I can put this to use corralling my players for Deadlands, it's a bit of a hamper on my social life, and I'm at a loss to explain it. As far as I know, I haven't changed anything about my appearance or bearing; I'm still the same relaxed hippy I've always been. Has this happened to anyone else? How do I tone it down?
People who appear intense, scary, or intimidating sometimes share certain physical qualities that you might be displaying, Trekkin, without even realizing it.
Things like intense staring, scowling, looming, holding your body rigidly, fists clenched, etc. are the types of things people might be scared by. Shorter people sometimes find taller people somewhat scarier than people closer to their height. Emotions that could bring about those physical states include anger, irritation, stress, etc.
A solution: Try to relax your body, smile if you're actually feeling good.
You could learn more in depth solutions by talking with a counselor. I don't think you're crazy; a counselor / psychotherapist could teach you about simple things like body awareness and emotion maintenance, which could help, but I can't talk about them as they fall into the professional "advice" zone.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Serpentine
I know I'm in the minority.
You are a minority, it seems. 10% response rate is rather frustrating.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
I know that feel, bro. While "average" is supposedly nearly 30% (and definitely higher for people who write longer messages than "sup girrrrl"), I've really observed it to be less. I feel pretty unattractive.
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Quote:
Originally Posted by
DeadManSleeping
I know that feel, bro. While "average" is supposedly nearly 30% (and definitely higher for people who write longer messages than "sup girrrrl"), I've really observed it to be less. I feel pretty unattractive.
Agreed. I've messaged a good 30+ people of interest, and only had a few responses (those died rapidly).
Now, I'm part of the issue on that one, but still, I can't be THAT horrifying awful to deal with. Right? Right?
-
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice 22: In Which Two Problems Prevent Each Others' Solut
Ooh, Gwyn, can I have her number? :P *hugs*
On OKC, I've noticed about five times more messages when I'm female than when I'm male. It's weird.
QAERA's LOVE LIFE UPDATE: My crush is dating someone else. I think a girl in my Mythological Creatures and Fairies Club likes me. Another person, I wish would pick up all these signals I'm dropping. I can't hold all these signals.
~ ♅