Quote Originally Posted by Lady Moreta View Post
Oh good. And let me ask - the descriptions - mostly of pain, were they okay? realistic? it's hard to write that sort of pain when you've never experienced it before. I've recently been reading my Rob Thurman books and she is very good at describing nasty stuff like being shot full of arrows (actually it was only one, very well placed arrow) so I've been sort of copying her style a bit, not sure if it worked.
I think it worked overall, but there were 2 bits that stuck out to me as....
well... "off" I guess.


the opening lines "drums.... hammers"

to me at least, that seemed slightly repetitive/redundant. probably due to my association with hammers and smashing things..... and the way drums are played.


the second part was this paragraph here.

Pain. Dull, throbbing, pulsating, sharp, searing, piercing, blazing, deep, pounding, shooting, stabbing and screaming. Always screaming. Screaming thousands of glass needles plunging into the soft skin of the throat. Screaming hundreds of fires burning tinder-dry grass. Always screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming.
having experienced intense pain before... I found this...
well.
far to intricate of a thought process for someone in this amount of pain.

and.... a few of the terms evoke different ideas to me.

dull and throbbing - this is the kinda pain I experienced after say... taking a hit to an unprotected area in football practice.

pulsating - kinda like a bad headache

sharp and searing - close to an exact opposite of sharp and searing. a sharp pain is your body going "hey moron! you're being murdered!" and your body instinctively shys away from it.... like burning your hand on a stove.

sooo.....
I guess longstory short
my issue is the length of the paragraph.... it seems to intricate a description for someone in that amount of pain... and some of the descriptors are somewhat opposed.

however!

all that said, it did a wonderful job of conveying a sense of rushed panic.

as if the speaker was tumbling over the words they were trying to say them so fast.

which I think is great.