My Little Pony XXIV: Now About 200% Longer Than Firefly

[Lix Lorn]

I think it was mainly that I was half asleep at that point. In a bit I'm gonna try and go through it again. Not in a reading mood at the moment, plus I feel the need to harass Ronin about his birthday.

Kay!

I want a shiny Lixachu!

...shapeshifter.

Ok, reread [some] of it, here are some thoughts:

This sentence just seems to jumbled together to me.

“One, a mare with a blue coat and a long, vibrant purple mane, was in fact the shipping queen, the near-goddess known to some as Lixie.”

“Amongst them was demi-goddess Lixie, queen of shipping. She was a mare with a blue coat and a long, vibrant purple mane.”

To be honest, I quite like the long sentences. That second one just feels too simple.

The am isn’t needed, since you already mention the fact that it is in the morning.

Derp.

A or the?

A. There's more than one, isn't there?

Feels disjointed. It comes from one thought to the next. If you are going for the omniscient narrator bringing thoughts to mind, instead of “remember,” perhaps use “think.”

Very disjointed. Think might be better though.

Something I’ve noticed from just these two excerpts. You use a good number of adverbs. “Vibrantly”, “timidly” and so on. As I’ve told Esper and Grif, try to cut down on these.

For example, in the more recent quote, you say that she is “timidly sneaking up to a door”. Do we really need the “timidly” there to get that? We know she is sneaking, and we know that the rest of the family is watching her – giving her the morale support, and we also know from earlier in the story and this exact sentence that in terms of time of day, she is well out of her comfort zone.

Yes, but sneaking doesn't necessarily imply being un-confident. You can be sneaking while being utterly self assured. Timidly just colours it the right way.

Long story short, show, don’t tell. Adverbs are like salt and spices, you sprinkle it on and all is well, you empty the container and you end up with a mess.

Five in the entire thing is emptying a container?

Ok, heading out to hang with Ronin. I will say this, with some actual sleep under my belt I find myself getting interested in this. I see potential, but a bit of a lack of training. With everything, practice will straighten out those rough edges. Only really read up to the point I quoted, will finish the rest later.

kk

Brilliant!
...I'm a horrible pony.

S2

Spoiler

Show

I approve so much. xD

Guys:

Discord's tall enough to be Lord English.

???

Oh god yes. xD

New ep: Coulda been better, but pretty awesome.