LGBTAitP Part 23: Et tu, ~Bianca?

[KenderWizard]

Um, guys/girls/etc?... I just looked in a mirror... And saw a girl. And she didn't mutate into a 'feminine male' - even when I leaned closer!

... It is so hard not to spam smileys right now. This must be what a "sugar rush" feels like.


~Bianca

That's so great!


On being the feminist in a group of guys, in response to Glass Mouse:

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I hear you, this is so hard. Even when the guys are good people, lots of people, especially men, just don't get feminism or are actively hostile towards it, and I find the rest of the group will usually go along with that.

My solution is to always be ready to fight my corner, but that is tough and draining, and doesn't work all the time because sometimes I'm tired and sick and there's too much sh**tiness. I can't and don't call out every sexist thing anyone says, because that would be waaaayy too much work. I do call out blatant things, or things from people who'd be receptive to me saying "Actually, that thing you just said was a bit yucky." Sometimes I've called things out and got backlash.

The most upsetting incident was when me, my partner and a good friend were watching Firefly, and my (sexist) housemate came in to watch it with us. Friend called something "Pimp!" at one point, meaning "Awesome!" and I was like "Uh, can you not use that word to mean awesome?" and he said "Sure, sure! Can I ask why?" I said "Well, I feel personally uncomfortable glorifying someone who sells women's bodies for sex*, it's a bit ... rape culture, isn't it?". Friend says "Oh, cool, I get it. Just wanted to know, that's fine!" Housemate goes "Rape culture? Pff. What does that even mean?". I shut the conversation down because I hate hate hate talking to this guy about stuff like this, because he's really contrary about it and sometimes openly very close to misogyny. Anyway, we kept watching, and the next episode was the one with the sex workers. I won't go into plot, but at one point a man in power abused a female sex worker in front of a group of men, and housemate goes, in really satisfied voice "Now THAT'S a rape culture!". Me: (Later, I had a really affirming chat with Friend about the whole thing, he was totally on side and completely understood where I was coming from, it was great!)

*I know there's a big debate in feminist circles about sex work. Suffice to say most sex workers are women and most sex workers are trafficked, especially those who work under a "pimp" rather than independently or as a group of equals.

Soooo... It's hard. It's hard and it kind of keeps being hard. I think it's difficult to avoid, if you're a feminist woman in a male-dominated or male-centred culture like nerddom is. It does get better, because a lot of people, when confronted with a real example of whomever they're prejudiced against (a feminist, an atheist, a toddler, a Jewish person) find it difficult to keep saying sweeping statements when that now includes their friend Kender (I am only one of the aforementioned things, but I am some other things!). And it's great when you find an ally, and even better when you talk someone around from not identifying with what you're talking about (equal treatment, applied regardless of gender) to realising that's something they can get behind, like Friend in the previous story.

And my PM box is always open to talk about feminist things, Glass Mouse!

The problem with feminism is that the extreme radical feminists are ruining it for the rest of them. Basically once more a vocal minority is forcing a stereotype on the rest of the group which makes it so that anyone not part of the group can't and won't take them seriously.

I bet most of the people that dismiss feminists as man hating feminazis are still all for equality and non exploitation of either gender but everytime someone brings up an issue one of these extreme feminists will pop up and a lot of people will distance themselves from the subject because of that.

That does seem to happen a lot, but I've usually more found that it's a perception. People who have never actually heard someone espouse a radical feminist view get the trickle-down effect from, I dunno, the media? People who don't like feminists? Someone who did get put off by a radical feminist? I have found almost everyone is pro equal rights. There is a significant group that thinks that means voting and stuff, and they want their hot wimminz in bikinis on ads and in waitressing jobs and fat b****s can stay at home because "That's just the way it is."

On a semi-related note: What do you peeps think of women pretending to be lesbian? I've been finding myself pretending to be a lesbian a lot lately (as opposed to bi/pan, which is true) because it just makes work so much easier. I'm in a mostly male environment. It actually significantly lowers the harassment rate if people think I'm a lesbian, and it just makes me a lot more comfortable knowing that the guys aren't seeing me as a potential partner when I'm not interested. I feel bad about pretending, but...

I feel sad that you have to protect yourself that way. I'm for whatever works to avoid harassment, but I think it's terrible you have to do it every day. I would do it if I had to, but I think I'd go mad if I worked in such an environment every day. The other thing that some women do, say for travelling, is buy themselves a ring and wear it as an engagement ring so they won't be propositioned.