So... I felt like I wanted to share what's going on with me...

My first year of college is winding down. And looking back on the year... I feel really disappointed and frustrated at how it's gone. Objectively, everything's fine. Classes are going well, not as well as high school, but I'm maintaining a B average. I'm balancing studying and social life quite well. And best of all, I have found a group of friends who share my life's purpose, and who care for me, and whom I can (and do) turn to at any time.

But I just feel incomplete, like something crucial to me is missing. I think in a large part, it's that for a long time, I've felt unable to really care about things, people, life. Through high school, I've been learning to care about other people, appreciate the joys of life, have hope in the future. It gave me joy like you wouldn't believe, and I based my identity on that. And now, I feel like that's all been taken away. I know and recognize that there are people who love me, and plenty of reason to have hope that things will be better. But I just can't feel it. In the beginning of the year I was terrified and depressed, but I still had hope in the future and love for my friends. But more and more as the year progressed, I've been stuck feeling apathetic and cynical, and that's just not me. I can still function quite normally. I can still enjoy life, take time out to hang out with my friends, come to the Playground, and distract myself from thinking about it. But looking back on the year, it's all blurred together, without that passion for life that keeps me going. And I don't know what the problem is, or how I can fix it.